Original subtitles

You have a problem with this scene?

I'm not one of those actors who complain.

I'll do anything. I mean, I was plaque in a mouthwash commercial.

But sometimes you have to stick up for your dignity.

Dignity?

Sweetheart, you're a bit player in Hercules, Son of Zeus. How can you even

about dignity?

You're wearing more fake hair than William Shatner.

It's not the costume, it's the dialogue.

Listen to this.

Mount me, Hercules, and ride me all night?

I can't say that.

It's degrading to women.

Honey, have you seen the show?

It's degrading to everyone.

Hey!

Hey, get back here!

You're just lucky I'm nailed to the floor!

Excuse me?

Could someone help me move my ass?

you'll never guess who's about to walk through that door.

George Clooney with nothing on but a surgical mask and rubber gloves?

No, but now you've made me forget who really is there.

Oh, I know.

It's Ira and his new girlfriend, Holly.

Ira and his new girlfriend, Holly. Hi.

Jim, Mary Ann, small world.

Small shirts.

Small feet.

Are they ballet slippers, princess?

Yes. They're bicycle shoes.

We just biked over for brunch so Zoe could finally meet Holly.

What's wrong with what I'm wearing, anyway? Nothing.

Turn around and show everybody how cute your little bicycle feet look.

Oh, I skipped breakfast. Please don't make me miss brunch.

Go on. You can't bring me down, ladies. If I'd have known how good these anti

-aging hormones were, I'd have had a midlife crisis in my 20s. Oh, your

treatments. They are male hormones, right? Because those shoes... They are

aerodynamic.

And for your information, I never had more energy or felt more invigorated.

Ira's having the best results in his test group. And talk about romantic.

Yesterday we rented horses and rode bareback on the beach.

Bully for you, I couldn't get my Ira to mount anything.

My Ira was afraid of the carousel at the pier.

Hello, I'm standing right here.

Your daughter called. She can't make it.

So he's not coming? This is the third time she's canceled.

Fascinating.

Hey, we are standing right under an air vent.

I don't want you to get a chill.

Why don't we take that table right over there?

Bye -bye. Bye -bye.

Did you see that?

She sucked the brain right out of his head.

Well, I for one am happy that Iris found someone.

So soon after our breakup.

I need a new fork. This one's dirty.

Well, at least you're over him.

I am over him.

It's just that he's false. Someone and I haven't.

You don't need a man to make you happy. If you have a void, you have to fill it

yourself.

Yeah, well, that gets old, too.

Not if you're doing it right.

I'm just trying to say you need something spiritual, something to make

calm and serene.

You know, when I was a little girl, I loved to sit in the church and look at

stained glass windows.

I would see St. Agnes, who was brutally murdered in the town square, or St.

Cecilia, who had her eyes plucked out, or St. John, who had his head cut off,

and I'd think, my family's not that bad.

I once saw Jill St. John break a nail in a cat fight with Susan St. James on St.

Croix.

How will you think? How will you cut your meat?

I was on my way home, and I started worrying over how you felt about Holly.

I hope you're okay with this relationship, because I'd hate for it to

friendship. Don't be silly.

Our friendship's as solid as the day we divorced.

Did you help me get Zoe to meet Holly? It's really important to me.

Not only is Holly sweet and lovable, but when those lights go out in that

bedroom... Our friendship's not that good!

Thanks for covering for me.

How do you know you don't like Holly until you've met her?

You don't like her? That's not true. And I waited until I met her before I

didn't like her.

Look, you know my rule. He dates him three months, I meet them for coffee,

months appetizer, a year we split an entree.

This is important to your father, and he's not going to leave me alone until I

make it happen, which means I'm not going to leave you alone.

Drive -ins, sleepovers, miniature golf. You don't scare me.

Dropping by unexpectedly with the blooper reel from all those episodes of

Barnaby Jones I did.

All right, I'll go.

Come on. Everyone loves to hear Buddy Fs that say crap.

Oh, thank you for squeezing me in without an appointment, Father Lindeman.

you got lucky.

God canceled his 2 .30.

That's a joke.

Priests are allowed to make jokes now? Oh, sure.

Are you allowed to make good ones?

My best friend Sybil asked when I last felt fulfilled, and I couldn't help

thinking about my Catholic upbringing in Buffalo.

You ever been there?

Well, priests only end up in Buffalo if they offend a cardinal.

They must have the parishioners falling out of the pews.

The church always gave me faith and a sense of belonging.

Well, we would love to have you back.

You know, you could start with confession, and if that felt right, you

on to receiving communion.

That sounds fair.

But before I agree to communion, I'll need to see the wine list.

Hey, Sib.

Hey, Marianne. How do you look different?

Oh! Oh, you shaved off your holly.

I don't have to be with holly every minute.

She's in the ladies' locker room. If you'd worn those same shoes you wore the

other day, I'm sure they would have let you in. Enough with the shoes. They came

with a bike.

You know what I like about coming to the gym?

All the good -looking guys.

Check out that hunk over there.

Who? All I see is my dad.

Hey, Tim.

Hey, Holly. Hey, Mayor.

Hey, Rhoda.

And there is my big, strong Ira.

There's three words I never thought I'd hear in the same sentence.

Hey, Mom, did you know that Holly went out with Sue Vicious?

I spent two weeks with the Sex Pistols in Europe. It was my summer work -study

program at Vassar. They give you credit for anything.

Oh, and Holly and I stayed at the same youth hostel in Berlin. Isn't that

I want to go see if I can find two treadmills together. Okay.

Wow, Holly.

Punk rock groupie to registered nurse?

You know, I think I played you in a movie on Lifetime.

Now, remember to drink plenty of water. I don't want you getting dehydrated.

I just love the way you worry about me.

Uh, excuse me, but, um, I've been watching you. Hey, Buster, this is a

a pickup bar.

Then why do we put on makeup to come here?

You've been on this bike for 20 minutes. That's the limit when people are

waiting, so come on, move it, toot.

I don't mean to confuse you with big numbers, Mongo.

But the timer says 15 minutes.

20 minus 15 is 5.

You remember 5.

That's the grade you couldn't make it past.

And this portion of Sesame Gym is brought to you by the letter L for

Is there a problem, ladies?

Nothing that concerns you, buddy, so take a hike.

Well, actually, it does concern me. That's my ex -wife and my ex

Pally.

I'm not your pally. Oh, yeah?

You want a piece of me?

I thought this wasn't a pickup bar.

Ira, be careful.

I've seen that guy bench press the attendant.

Hey, I'm his worst nightmare.

Ira, remember, you're Ira.

Ira?

That's a wimp name.

No, you're the wimp. And you're bigger than me, which makes you a bigger wimp.

Huh?

lost a lot of money on that one.

Holly, you see that? I hit a guy who's now really mad at me.

Sibyl, isn't it incredible?

Ira Woodbine's in a fight.

this shiner.

You should see the other guy.

I did. He was holding you by the ankles and arching off punches.

Hey, I'm not the one who want to go to the hospital.

He was laughing at you so hard he gave himself a hernia, Ira.

You're an offense fight. I'm worried about you. You haven't been the same

you started taking hormones.

What are you saying?

You want a piece of me too?

That was a joke, Sybil.

If yours was.

Ira.

What's going to happen when the hormone study is over and Prince Charming turns

back into a frog?

I'll find another study.

Oh, yeah, that's the answer. Keep pumping yourself full of hormones till

testicles explode.

Hey, it's my life. If I want to explode... I'm just telling you this

as a friend.

A friend would want to see me happy.

I've never been so full of life. I have all this energy. I'm in this fantastic

relationship. It's a fantastic lie.

And sooner or later, Holly's going to meet the real Ira, the one who's afraid

ants.

Sim, hi.

Oh, hi.

Well, we should do this more often.

Bye. Bye. Bye.

Well, Mr.

Three Times a Night.

Have I got a surprise for you.

Holly, I need to get something off your chest. Your breast.

Maybe you should put your coat back on.

What if I wasn't Mr. Three Times a Night?

What if I was, say, Mr. Three Times a Week?

But you're not.

I'm just afraid that you don't know the real Ira Woodbine. The hormone -free Ira

Woodbine who doesn't bungee jump or get in fights or...

Make love all night. Ira, this isn't just about sex.

I love you.

And I love you.

I'm just worried that the me you love isn't the real me.

I'm probably risking my job by telling you this, but you're part of the control

group of the hormone study.

Honey, you've been taking placebos.

In that case, marry me.

Married? You're getting married.

As in, married?

Just think, if you hadn't forced me to tell Holly I wasn't the real Ira, then I

would have found out the fake Ira is the real Ira.

I don't know.

Those placebos can be pretty powerful.

What can I say? It's like being in bed with Superman.

But I don't have to tell you that. I wish you wouldn't.

Congratulations, Superman.

Holly, I'm so happy for you.

Oh, thanks.

And Zoe's going to be our maid of honor. I'm going to dress her all in blue.

I used to do that when she was a baby, just to confuse people.

Is there any champagne?

In the refrigerator.

I have a bottle of Dom Perignon, but I was saving that for a special occasion.

Like this.

Oh,

hooray for me.

I'm hormone free.

Oh, I cannot wait to go over wedding details with Zoe.

I tell you, Sybil, you have raised one great girl there.

Oh, thank you so much. I feel like I've known her my whole life.

Me too.

Zoe and I were talking for hours the other day, mostly about her new

Neil. I didn't know she had a new boyfriend.

But now that you mention it, I did notice she had a little bounce to

Yeah, she's been pretty upset about a little spat they had. I told her Zoe.

There's no shame in losing an argument to keep a boyfriend.

I mean, sometimes you just have to pretend you're not as smart as a man.

Stop!

You told my daughter there's no shame in losing a what to keep a who?

Oh, come on, Sybil. You're a woman.

You're a blonde woman.

It's not like you never played dumb to get a guy.

Sure, Holly.

And sometimes I even wear tube tops.

Whatever works.

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

A little.

Well, a lot.

Okay, I'm Mary Magdalene in a Chanel suit.

Go on, my child.

Tell me, how long has it been since your last confession?

32 years.

Picking up where I left off, I still hate Cindy Campbell, this girl in junior

high school who stole my boyfriend, Mark.

That's when I first started stalking.

Father, are you petting me?

No, Maria. Sybil.

I'm a sister.

I've been looking for you all over this place.

I wandered into a meeting of something called Catholic celibates.

Why would celibates want to be in a group anyway?

Sybil, do you mind?

I'm sorry, but I am going to have to ask you to leave.

I can't. My ex -husband's getting married.

Married?

Father, I would like to confess a late -breaking resentment.

And if that's not bad enough, Holly's giving Zoe bad advice about men.

Uh, who's Holly?

Ira's fiancé.

I don't know whether I should say anything to Ira.

Who's Ira?

My ex -husband.

Haven't you been listening?

Excuse me.

I would now like to move on to high school and a little something that...

I like to refer to as the sins of the flesh.

Don't you get it, Marianne?

Holly is going to be Zoe's stepmother, and she's going to be giving her bad

advice till death do they part, which I hope is sooner rather than later.

Sorry, Father.

Go to Isaac.

Go with an open heart.

Go with kindness and understanding.

But most importantly, go!

You're right. I shouldn't say anything to Ira.

But so is my daughter, too.

Maybe I should.

Then again, she's an adult.

She can make her own choices.

Thanks for your time, Father.

Whatever.

And even though I'm not a Catholic, I just want to say nice job.

Oh, thank you.

I'm a little nervous. That was my first three -way.

Here's that waffle iron you needed right away.

Thanks. You know how sometimes you've just got to have a waffle?

Mom, can we skip the small talk and get straight to the prying?

Okay. Who's Neil?

Fine.

Not serious.

He's this guy I met at work.

Last night we went to see Citizen Kane.

Citizen Kane?

Oh, you must have had a lot to talk about.

Well, not really. He thought Rosebud was just a sled.

Any idiot knows it was a symbol of Cain's lost innocence.

Well, I tried to explain it to him, but he just didn't get it, so I finally gave

up. I mean, what's the big deal if I let the guy win one stupid argument?

Zoe, if you repress yourself, it'll turn into resentment and eat away at you.

That's why I'm helping Marianne with Dr. Dick.

She's channeling her violent impulses into healthy, violent action.

So... Should I blow up Neil's car?

It's better than listening to Holly Homemaker teach you how to have a happy

relationship in the 1950s.

If you finish lecturing me, I'm going to go home and make Neil a buffet while he

and his buddies play poker.

And then I'm going to clean up after them.

And while you're at it, why don't you put on a French maid outfit? The boys

love it!

to subordinate her stuff to a man, that's her problem. But you tell her to

her little bag of helpless women tricks away from Zoe.

I'm fine, thank you. How are you?

Do you realize she's coaching our daughter to lose arguments with men?

I get it. You're jealous because Holly and Zoe hit it off so well.

I want Zoe to hit it off with the woman you're going to marry. I just can't

believe this is the woman you're going to marry.

Don't need to be insulting.

If you don't like Holly, just say so. Oh, you don't want the truth.

Remember when you paid $300 for that tie with the clowns on it? You asked me

what I thought, and then you got mad when I told you you looked like Bozo the

novelist.

You want honest?

Remember you made that straight -to -video movie with Hulk Hogan, and I said

wasn't an embarrassment?

Guess again!

That movie paid for Zoe's braces, and it's a good thing, too, because if her

father's going to act like a fool, the least he can have is straight teeth!

Someone left four frozen waffles outside my door this morning.

Could that have been you?

What gave me away? The note that said, Love, Mom?

Or me knocking on your door for half an hour, screaming, I know you're in there?

It was Neil's history, Mom.

Just for your information, I had already decided to stop seeing him after that

Citizen Kane incident.

Why didn't you tell me the other day?

Because I didn't want to give you the satisfaction.

The most annoying thing you do, out of the many, many annoying things you do,

to point out things I already know.

I'm sorry if it seemed like I didn't trust you to make your own decisions.

But I was a little hurt when you confided in Holly instead of me. I can't

believe you took her bad advice.

Well, it's easy to take advice from someone who hasn't been harping on you

18 years.

And you got lucky.

She was wrong.

You're not just saying that to make me feel better?

Yeah, right, like I would ever do that.

By the way, Mom, it looks like Holly's going to be in our lives, so...

You should probably lighten up on her.

You're right.

By the way, it looks like I'm going to be in your life for a while, so you

should probably lighten up on me.

There you are. I've been looking everywhere for you.

Well, I looked here.

Marianne, what are you doing? I thought Friday was Polish the Pew night.

Say what you like about the Catholic Church, but they offer a sense of

community, they help a lot of people in need, and they have a casino in the

basement.

Nevertheless, I've decided it's not for me. Really?

I mean, really?

You know what that priest had the nerve to tell me? Let the rest of the

parishioners have some of the wine?

After that.

He told me that I had to find it within my heart to forgive Dr.

Dick.

I knew they were up to something.

Can't I just hire someone to find the meaning of life for me and get on with

You know, I'm looking at the yellow pages under void consultant.

Hi, Marianne. I can't talk to you now, Ira. I'm on a quest.

Hi. You got my message.

Yeah, but I think there's something wrong with my machine.

Kind of like you said, let's be friends, I'll buy dinner.

I want you to know, if you love Holly, marry her.

It doesn't matter what I say.

I still care what you think.

Look, I'll make you a deal. I won't say bad things about Holly if you won't say

good things.

You really don't like her?

I'm sorry.

Can't you say you like her anyway? It would mean a lot to me.

You want me to lie to you? Yes.

No.

Close enough.

That's kind of nice. I like being friends again.

So you really don't like Holly?

want from me be my best man sure

but don't expect much from the bachelor party i stopped getting you hookers when

we got divorced