Original subtitles

Great. Meg Ryan and Tim Robbins in IQ.

Bad enough I didn't get the part.

Now I can rent it and relive the rejection in my own home.

You were up for the Meg Ryan part?

No, the maid who falls down the stairs.

They went younger.

How about Braveheart?

20 ,000 hairy legs and skirts.

Looks like November in Paris.

No, I was almost the scullery maid who gets trampled and dung.

They went younger.

They went younger.

They went blonder.

Sucks.

Simple, wait till you see this.

Don't look, don't look, don't look.

It's the adult video section.

I have discovered a whole new world, just like Columbus.

Except Columbus rode a boat, not a pair of Swedish nurses.

Do you know that I have never seen an X -rated movie?

Dr. Dick wouldn't allow anything in the bedroom more stimulating than him.

Eventually, I had to remove the plants.

Well, let's rent one.

Rent one? Do we dare?

Well, come on.

We're two adult women with healthy sex drives. There's nothing wrong with it.

We're putting this on your card.

Look, they make sci -fi.

Sex Trek The Next Gyrations.

How about Drive This, Miss Daisy?

And it's starring Jessica Handy and Oregon Freeman.

Oh, no.

The last picture hoe.

So? Look at the hoe.

Whoa.

I'm the hoe.

They pasted my head on somebody else's body. My body can't do that.

It might if you had those two men helping you.

Loving what?

And then taking that vow.

Nice work if you can get it. And if you get it, won't you tell me

how?

Hurry up, Marianne. I want to watch this so I know what I'm talking about when I

call that company and rip into them. No time for popcorn.

You were much more polite before you were a porn star.

Why don't you try using the back burner, Rachel?

Why don't you try getting a job, Kevin?

Anyone ought to know about this. I'm not even sure I trust you.

Let me handle this.

Yoo -hoo!

Hi, Kevin. Hi, Rachel. Hi, Mom. Oh, look at the two of you preparing your own

food like refugees.

Here, it's D -Day. Dine out.

No, no, no, no, no. We can't take the money. Oh, yes, we can.

Thank you, Marianne.

William, we're going to eat in a restaurant like people with a future.

Y 'all have a good time. We're just going to watch a movie.

Nothing weird.

So what movie did you rent?

The Last Picture Ho.

She -Man Ever Made.

It's an art film.

Lib Tyler has a small but pivotal role. Now get out.

Hey, Lib.

Rachel let me in. I need your help. I'm having a personal crisis.

It's kind of hard to talk about.

I'm so sorry. You know what you need? Time alone. Go home. Collect your

thoughts. Come back when I have time to be supportive.

So I'm in a checkout line and this young sexy woman I'm behind said...

Go ahead of me, Pops.

She called me Pops.

And how did that make you feel, Ira?

Sensitivity was the first thing I used to teach my psychology class.

When I had a class, job, purpose.

Anyway, I look up the shoplifting mirror and I saw Pops. I was all slumped over,

no energy.

I'm getting these little white old man hairs in my ears.

Ira, you're a successful, healthy 47 -year -old man.

So what if you're turning into a hobbit?

Don't be silly.

Hobbits are taller and cuter and capable of relationships.

Ira, I know this doctor who's been getting amazing results with this anti

drug for men.

What's in it? Is it safe? I don't care. Where can I get some?

Well, it's supposed to be safe. It's made up of hormones.

Hormones? Ira's going through menopause. I'm not going through menopause.

Kevin, for the first time in months, I have money burning a hole in my pocket.

So move it.

How does that make you feel, Kevin?

Hey, back off, Hobbit. I have to take it from her.

Okay, everybody, out!

And don't come back for at least... 58 minutes.

Come on, we'll be watching.

it with you and all these questions. Can I do anything in this house without you

breathing down my neck?

What?

I am waiting for you to peel your face back and reveal your true identity.

I didn't expect you to drop in, that's all.

We're not doing anything weird.

Yeah, it's not like we're watching porno.

You are the one who butts her big nose into every aspect of my life, and I am

the one who resents it.

Advantage, redhead.

Not fair, Zoe.

I do not butt.

How many times have you pumped me for information about my trip to Europe?

I care what you did in Europe, unless you want to tell me right now in a lot

detail.

And now I leave, secure in the knowledge that my mother's spirit has returned to

her body.

getting turned on yet?

No way.

Look at that guy.

He's got hair all over his back and he's eating pizza.

This is a total male fantasy.

Average guy gets hot woman.

Well, that's one way to wax the dining room table.

So that's what the extra leaf is for.

Kevin, I'm a little worried.

What if this hormone drug makes me grow breasts?

I have a hard enough time jogging as it is.

Just relax, okay? He's a very reputable doctor, and I'm here for you.

But I parked 12 blocks away at a 20 -minute meter, so I have to leave again

two minutes.

There's something else that's bothering me.

I've been having this problem.

One minute 50. Okay, okay.

They expect me to fill up this form, but, you know, it's extra.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Kevin, I feel like I'm in the lightning round of what's my libido.

Look, Ira, it's perfectly normal for men to go through periods where they lose

that urge.

You know, it's nothing to be embarrassed about.

Are you here to see the doctor?

Uh, me?

No, no way.

No, I'm as horny as Kansas in August.

Uh, I gotta go.

So, you must be the patient.

Can we do this quickly? I don't want anyone to know I'm here.

You're Ira Woodbine?

You are such an incredible writer.

That is terribly unprofessional. Good.

Embarrassed the man.

Embarrassed me?

I'll be playing it all week on my ego cineplex.

I'm Holly.

I just, I think you're amazing.

When's the last time you had sex?

Oh, uh, five, three months.

Weeks. Three weeks.

Okay.

Creative men like you use that energy differently.

Really? I mean, yeah.

Do you have morning erection?

You mean before coffee?

The doctor's ready. He'll finish this up with you.

And, Mr. Woodbine, from what I see, a man like you has nothing to worry about.

Why, thank you.

Call me Ira.

You know, ladies, the auditions for Spank Me Grandma are down the hall.

I just happen to be a grandma, so I'm going to let that slide.

I'm here to lodge a complaint.

And I am here to accompany my friend on her journey into the underbelly of smut,

followed by a nice lunch.

You put my picture on the cover of the last picture hall without my consent.

It wasn't me. I just bought this company.

Yeah, right.

No, I did.

Really. I mean, I would never do something like that.

I'm not a sleeve.

I went to Harvard.

All right, I'll pull the tape out of circulation right away.

Too bad. It's a very big renter.

It's right up there with the slutty professor.

That's quite a feather in your cap.

Or wherever.

Oh, look at that.

Another guy with a back like a shaggy one.

You wouldn't kill your actors to do a sit -up.

There's nothing in this movie to turn women on.

Uh, that's because we make them for men. They are the market. I mean, everyone

knows that men have a bigger sex drive than women. Oh, that's just patriarchal

propaganda created by men to keep women locked up in our chastity belt.

You go to Smith.

I have a sex drive of ten men.

Truck drivers.

Excuse me, I thought of a title.

Dr. Dick with the lousy leg.

I was saving that for my memoirs, but you can have it.

Women would read erotic movies if there were movies women found erotic.

Okay, well, what would you want to see?

I don't know. Something where we have power.

Where we're not treated like objects.

And still have get down, sweating, heaving, barn steaming, hot, funky,

satisfying sex.

Is the air conditioning out?

I thought of another title.

Dr. Dick was a lousy late part two.

The Quaalude years.

You know, this could be an untapped market.

Why don't you write me a movie, both of you? Oh, we couldn't do that. Well, we

could, but we don't. Well, we choose not to. What does it pay?

I'll give you a week and a thousand dollars. You don't even have to drive

the way out here again. You can just email it to me.

Okay. But I'm doing this for my frustrated sisters everywhere who have

to watch on a horny Friday night.

It's a field of dreams situation.

If you film it, they will come.

We need something intimate, something sexually revealing, something incredibly

personal.

You go first.

The hell I will.

Fine. Let's write our fantasies down on a piece of paper. We'll give each other

the piece of paper and read it at the same time.

Can I draw?

Leprechaun girl.

Okay, I'm just going to start.

Miranda is lying on a bed.

A four -poster bed.

It's romantic, and you can tie people to it.

Oh, you're good. You're very good. Thanks so much. So very much.

Miranda's M -I -R.

Marianne, watch what you hit.

We lost our first sentence.

And it was a classic.

I can get it back. All I have to do is push.

This.

There. It's back.

That's not our sentence. August 16th landed in Europe, three blessed weeks

from Los Angeles and my mother. Stop, stop!

Move away, quick!

Why? Why? I just opened Zoe's European diary by mistake.

Fabulous! I'm finally... No, no, no, Marianne, you can't read that. It's

private. I'll just blur my eyes so I can't read the screen.

And push this and...

Good, it's gone.

What are you guys doing with Zoe's computer?

Not reading her private things, no siree.

We're writing an erotic movie.

Yeah, listen to this.

Miranda is lying on a four -poster bed.

Or she could be standing under a tropical waterfall, letting the cool,

water flow over her brown, sun -kissed breath and down to that special place

reserved for her one true love.

Did we mention it was a four -poster bed?

Yeah.

Well, gotta warm up the baby's lunch.

We never would have thought of that. Oh, who cares? That special place angle is

so overdone.

Someone asked to see the chef?

Oh, I just wanted to thank you for that wonderful lunch.

And to ask you, what would you like to see in an erotic movie?

Uh, sex with a farmhand in a country kitchen while canning apples, surrounded

kittens.

Good one.

Another round of drinks for the lewd Bronte sisters?

Okay, who should we interview next?

How about her?

She looks like a potential bucket of filth.

We have to email the finished script day after tomorrow.

We're going to have to speed up research.

Excuse me.

If I could have the attention of the women, my friend and I are writing an

erotic movie from the female point of view.

Thank you, thank you.

We're running out of research time, so show of hands.

How many women here would like to have sex outdoors?

Sex with another woman.

Patents, lawyers, or priests?

Okay. How about a leprechaun?

Do I count?

Guess what my favorite scene is.

The one where the woman scientist has wave after wave of orgasm while the man

kisses her stretch marks and says he's not worthy of her?

That's good, too.

Now, I like the scene where the beautiful woman pleasures herself with

-husband's credit card.

Oh, morning, Sib. Ira, hi.

You brought somebody with you at 6 .30 in the morning?

Hey, you're the one who called with the email cripe that couldn't wait.

Sib? Meet Holly.

Hi, Sib. Hi, Hal.

Honey, you have some donut on your face.

Come on in.

Hey, that's my new girl.

She works with that doctor who saved my life with those hormones.

I feel ten years younger. I have all this energy, all this motivation, all

endurance, if you know what I mean.

I think you got a little tacky caught in your eye.

Hi. Oh, here we are. This is my new girlfriend, Holly.

How festive.

Interesting outfit, Ira.

Someone planning on shooting you out of a cannon?

No, we're going mountain biking.

And I think he looks strong and handsome and rugged.

Oh, let's get to work. Oh, sorry.

Hey,

what's somebody's diary file doing out?

I opened it by accident, and I don't know how to put it back, so I need you

before Snowy finds out and megabytes my head off.

Oh, Ira can do it. He can fix anything.

Whoa, careful with the goosing, honey. I'm moving files here.

Boy, I am so bad with gadgets.

Anything with a motor or batteries, aren't you?

No. Actually, I'm quite gifted with gadgets, especially ones with batteries.

Hey, Harvard, surprise.

We came to check out the filming. What did you think of our script?

Well, it certainly wasn't like any other one we've ever gotten. The St.

Patrick's Day dream sequence was my idea.

How about our dialogue?

Hey, can you win awards for these things? Shh, they're starting. Shh,

starting.

I can't believe I had to spend my first four hours in Paris trying to get my

traveler's checks replaced.

That's not our award -winning dialogue. What's going on?

Here's my passport.

You must be Zoe Woodbine.

Oh, no.

They're filming Zoe's diary.

You really think women are going to find this traveler's check stuff erotic?

No, we didn't write this.

How did you get it? This is what you emailed.

It wasn't us.

It was my hormonally hopped up ex -husband.

This bite.

And not in a good way.

You sent me a 100 -page travel diary with no dialogue and just one lousy sex

scene in Italy.

Hey, you have to stop filming right now. Sex scene?

There was a sex scene?

Would you care to explain why my European diary was open last Saturday at

p .m.?

Oh, no, Zoe. I'm sure it was Sunday when we... didn't look at your diary.

And how dare you accuse us of that? Excuse me.

I can't believe you would open my diary. Do you have any idea how personal that

is?

You know.

All I know is that it happened in Italy. I don't know anything else. How dare

you read my diary?

I would never read your diary.

All I did was email it to a porno producer by accident, and they made a

out of it.

Oh, well, as long as you didn't read it.

And I stopped them from filming it. Shouldn't I get a little credit for

Look, I'm sorry this happened, but maybe it's the universe's twisted way to give

us the chance to share.

That's so desperate, blaming the universe because you don't know how to

computer.

Zoe, having sex for the first time is a momentous event.

At least it was for me.

Oh, we're going to share a moment. Why is there never an earthquake when you

need one?

It was Bobby Ray Weeks.

And the Beatles were on the radio singing, Please, Please Me.

And let me tell you, he didn't.

And in the backseat of this Chevy, he had it up on blocks in his front yard.

And that afternoon as I was walking home, I wished I had someone that loved

trusted me to talk to.

Well, his name was Gianni.

He had beautiful, long, curly brown hair.

We just talked and talked, and I felt so in control of my

life and free and so incredibly alive.

We spent one night together in Positano right before I went home.

I don't know if I'll ever see him again, but it was really beautiful.

Oh, honey.

I'm so happy it was beautiful.

Can I be happy it was safe?

Yes, of course it was safe.

And now if you'll excuse me, I have to go drive my car into the ocean.

Is everything okay, pal?

Oh, Marianne.

My little girl's a woman now.

And her first time was special.

No leprechauns or cheesy music. Just special.

Really?

Now that's erotic.

I can't wait for my first time.