Original subtitles

- Ruth, this thing weighs a ton. - A large energy crystal

can pack a very powerful punch, Rollie.

I guess it's true what they say, "Size does matter."

- Oh, my God! - Oh, my goodness!

- Dad, what are you doing? - What am I doing?!

Oh, I'm just playing a quick game of tennis

with Venus Williams here. Alright, Venus?

- I don't understand the joke. - Dr. Green said you shouldn't

be doing any strenuous activity. Put that down!

- I cannot just put this down anywhere. A poorly placed crystal

is a... What is it, Ruth?

- Weapon in the hands of the universe.

- It's a weapon in the hands of the universe!

- Dad, don't tell me you're falling for that crap.

- It's not crap, Andy. A lot of very cool celebs are into crystals:

Spencer Pratt from The Hills, Heidi Pratt from The Hills.

And that's just two of the cast members from The Hills.

- You know what, Dad? - I'm fine, Andy!

- Let me take it, Dad. - Let him do it, Andy, please.

Dad? Dad?

- Rollie? - Is this a prank? Are you guys pranking me?

- It's not a prank, Andy. Daddy, are you having a heart attack?

- Of course, I'm having a heart attack, you massive tit!

- Oh, God, he's mad at me, something's wrong. He's mad at me, something's wrong!

- OK, I'm gonna call an ambulance.

I wish I had some rose quartz or aventurine.

Oh! Peridot, that would be perfect!

- Ruth! - Yeah, going.

- ♪ Di-da di-da di-da di-da di-da di-da ♪

- OK, so it appears

your father suffered another heart attack.

Now, that's eight in the past twelve months,

which actually is one away from the provincial record.

So I could get him there if you want.

- Eight heart attacks in a year? How is he still alive?

- Ha! Quit grilling me. But seriously, I have no idea.

- OK, alright, so what is the plan here?

Obviously, we have to make some changes, right?

- Don't worry. I've consulted my crystal manual

and let's just say we'll be seeing

a lot more red jasper around the house.

- Ruth, Dad needs some actual medical attention.

Maybe a home-care worker, right, Dr. Green?

- A home-care worker could help, but...

- But what? - Red jasper is a great stone.

- Isn't it though? - I honestly love that stuff.

- Really soothes. - Exactly what I said to her.

- You were saying that. - Oh. OK, yeah.

- You guys, come on, let's get this place cleaned.

June is gonna be here any minute.

Bryn, Mark, you wanna help?

- No, thank you. - Yeah, we're not gonna do that. We're gonna keep working

on Bryn's graphic novel which is called...?

- Wolf Daniel. - Wolf Daniel.

Look at that guy, he's freaking jacked, eh?

- Great. - Andy, this is

a complete waste of time. I do not need some nurse maid

hovering about waiting to change my diaper.

I've got Ruthie for that.

- He doesn't wear a diaper. - Dad, give her a chance.

Maybe she'll save you from breaking the provincial heart-attack record.

- Yeah, well, what if I want that record, huh?

Records are nice. People are known for records.

- Oh, my God, that's her, that's her! OK, everyone,

just act normal. Bryn, you...

You're good. Alright. OK, OK.

You must be June. - And you must be Andy.

You're even more handsome than you sounded on the phone!

- Thank you. - And you have got to be Rollie.

I sure know where Andy gets his looks.

- Well, don't pin those on me. - And witty to boot.

I best be on guard around you.

No, actually, there has been a bit of a misunderstanding.

I'm sorry to waste your time, but it turns out

I don't need a babysitter.

- Dad! I'm sorry. - No, that's OK. It's OK, Andy.

Uh, sometimes, people recover

a little faster than expected. No worries,

I'll just take my Assyrian sculpture and just get on

out of here. Bye-bye.

- Sorry, what did you say you've got there?

- Oh, it's an Assyrian relief sculpture of an alien.

I mean, it's most certainly not authentic, but still.

- Oh, well, it might not be the real deal,

but it's certainly very tasty. - Isn't it?

- Wow! Where did you get it?

- My late husband ran a museum of his own

before he passed away. This was just in storage.

You can have it

for a price. - What price?

- I demand a tour of this wonderful museum.

I am just chomping at the bit

to see what you've got in here.

- Oh, well, say no more. Hahaha!

Oh, uh, that's Bryn. And that's Mark.

- Oh, hello! - And this is, uh...

- It's Ruth. - Ruth!

I think I blanked there. That's weird.

I just couldn't think what her name was for a moment. Now, it's...

- It's Ruth. - Ruth, yeah.

- It's very nice to meet you! - Nice to meet you too.

- Oh, my goodness! I have the exact same purse.

- Yeah, that's right. Looks like mine's a slightly newer model.

- Oh, yes, it is. - Yes... it is.

- OK, well, why don't I take you on that tour?

- Oh, goodie! Why don't I take some notes

as to all the unhealthy things you keep doing during the day.

- Ohhh Well, be prepared to blush.

Oh, it's just a stuffed duck with a fancy skull

stuck on top of it. If you call something

an Aztec god, then people tend to believe you.

That's because people are idiots.

- Andy, what the hell are you doing?

- Trying to move this crystal into the shed. Give me a hand. - Absolutely not.

No. Didn't you hear what Ruth said?

A poorly placed crystal is a weapon in the hands of the universe.

- Yeah, well, in case you haven't noticed,

this place is a house of science now, and Dad seems to be taking to it.

- Oh yeah, Dad's really taking to the science.

Couldn't possibly be the sexy temptress you've hired to wait on him.

- She's not a sexy temptress; she's a professional nurse.

- She is a lonely, widowed professional nurse

who clearly has the hots for Dad.

- You are delusional, man. - You are delusional. Do you think Ruth doesn't notice this?

- We don't even know what Ruth and Dad's relationship is.

Yes, we do. It's not that complicated. Ruth and Dad are like the Odd Couple.

They don't seem to get along on the surface, but they got a fun rapport,

they clearly love each other, and deep down,

you just know they're fing.

- How does that apply to the Odd Couple?

- Oh, trust me, it applies to the Odd Couple.

- You mean to tell me the characters

in The Odd Couple as portrayed

by Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon were having sex?

- Yes. - Well, that's crazy.

- I don't know what you want me to tell you, Andy. Now help me get this up. We're moving it.

to where-- - No! You help me...

- OK, we'll move this to where Ruth wants it. - No, we are moving it--

- This way, Andy. Not-- - No. This way! This way!

This is really heavy, Mark. COME ON!

- Did that fall on your foot?

- Yes.

- Do you... do you need help getting it off?

- Oh yeah. Yeah, please, please.

- Do you promise to fire June?

- No.

- Well then, uh...

- Don't. Don't. - I don't know what I can do.

- Mark, don't. - I don't know what you want.

- Please, Mark. Please. - I can't. My hands are tied.

- Please! - My hands are tied. - Mark, please.

- I thought you could use a little tea.

- Oh, thank you, Ruth.

- Oh, is this some more Wolf Daniel?

- Yeah. Here he is in a softer moment.

- Yes, he looks very calm.

I know, I know.

- Is June still here? I thought she was supposed to have gone home hours ago.

- It's her first day on the job, she's probably just getting the lay of the land.

You see these?

- Yeah, sounds like that's not the only thing she's getting the lay of.

- Nice. - Enjoyed that? - Yeah.

- I'll go see if she needs some help.

I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

You are just a little stinker,

that's what you are! - Hi, June!

Are you having a little trouble with him in there?

- No, not at all. Just getting some Epsom salts.

- For a bath? Rollie is more of a shower guy.

- Well, in his current condition, he really should be sitting as much as possible.

- That makes so much sense. You're so smart!

But it's late, you probably wanna get home

so I can take over now-- - No, no, it's my pleasure.

It's my pleasure too.

So maybe I'll just head in and make sure

he's OK. - He's fine, Ruth.

- OK.

I'm just gonna head in to see--

- Ohhh! - Could you please move and let me do my job?

- Argh! - What's going on?

- Papa? Papa, are you OK?

- Oh, my God! - Dad, are you alright?

- Oh, idiot! - I got him! I got him!

Oh, God! I grabbed...

I grabbed his peter. Dad, did I grab your peter?

- Everyone, give him space. - Rollie, are you alright?

- That includes you, Ruth. - June, I think I can

take care of him-- - Ruth, Ruth,

June is the medical professional here,

please just let her do her job, alright?

- Come on now. OK? Careful.

- I touched Dad's peter.

or anything? - Oh yeah, yeah. Here and there

now and then, turns out. Between us,

I outbid him every time.

I would. - Did you ever.

Your father was always very competitive.

- Yes, well, I am very competitive naturally.

I mean, I'm much more competitive than any of you lot for a start.

OK, I'm headed into town.

Anyone care to join me?

- Dad? Ruth's asking you a question.

- Rollie, I thought you might want to come and just stretch your legs a little bit.

- What? Oh, no thanks, Ruth. Yeah, Junie,

have you ever seen a baby pig in formaldehyde?

- I'm about to! - You are. Look at that!

- Hahaha! - Ewww! Holy!

The horror!

These are the cookies

that I was telling you about. - Oh yeah.

- Ooh! Summer veggies. They've got rhubarb in!

- Uh-huh. So, uh, Ruth, I'm sorry

if this is a very personal question, but what exactly is

your relationship with my dad?

Oh, my goodness, well!

It's one of those hard-to-define things.

Like a tomato, is that a fruit or is it a vegetable?

- It's a fruit. - Is it?

Has that been formalized? Oh, that's nice.

- Yes, that wasn't a clear example for me.

- Your father and I go back a long way.

In terms of defining it as a relationship, no, we haven't defined it.

Your father is a tough nut to crack.

- I know all about that, he drove my mom away. Haha!

Anyway, have you tried telling him how you feel at all?

- No, not in so many words, but...

...sometimes instead of a green pepper, I'll buy a yellow pepper.

- OK. So I'm not sure that sends

quite as direct a message as you might think it does.

- I guess I could go for a red one next time,

but that seems pretty graphic. - Yeah. OK, so, uh...

I'm just gonna cut to the chase here, Ruth.

Do you see what's going on, at home? - What?

- June, Ruth. June is honing in on Dad,

and unless you stand up and start fighting for your man,

she is gonna snatch him out from under you.

- I don't want to interfere. This is about

your father's health, and June seems... nice.

- She's not nice!

Tell me how you feel, Ruth! Tell me how

you actually feel about June.

- She has her imperfections, but who doesn't? - Good.

Sure, that's a good place to start. OK, yeah, she's got imperfections.

I wanna hear some of those imperfections.

- I don't... She's... She's... I sometimes wonder

if she's as generous as she pretends to be.

- Yeah! Now we're talking, Ruth. Now, we're speaking

the same language. What else? - She's... she's...

- She's...? - She's...

- She's...? - She's had her eyes on Rollie

since the moment she SAW HIM!

- That's my right there. - That's exactly what I'm talking about!

- Everything OK over there? - she's tapping into her anger,

- stay the f out of it! - Okeydokey.

- Ruth, we are gonna go home, and you are gonna show my dad

that you are someone who cannot and will not... - Yeah! I will not!

- ...be taken advantage of. - That's right.

- And how are you gonna do that? - I'm gonna cook him a very nice MEAL!

- OK, that is a start. And not a bad start.

YEAH!

Yeah. Yeah.

Well done!

It's another thing you're good at.

- What's going on here? - Oh, come on in, you two! We're just playing a game.

- Whose go is it now? - Me! Me, me, me!

- Hey! Are you ready?

- Yeah. - Alright. And go!

- Ah! OK, give me some clues. - Well, alright,

calm down, give us a chance. - He's tall.

- Michael Jordan! - Taller than Michael Jordan.

Wait, no. Maybe less tall. Less tall.

- OK, any other attributes, Bryn, please.

- Oh! He used to be a wrestler. - Oh! Uh, uh, Hulk Hogan!

Uh, uh, uh, uh,

Doink. Doink the Clown. Is it Doink the Clown? Doink the Clown? Doink? Doink the Clown?

- That's not Doink the Clown. Who's Doink the Clown?!

- He's taller than Doink. - Jesus, Bryn! Anything other than tall! Please!

- Oop, time! - D'augh!

"Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson"?!

- Whoa, Doink the Clown is only 5'10''.

- Oh, Jesus, Bryn. - Andy's right,

I think we let him down on that one,

because he was very good. - Rubbish.

- Wow! Looks like you're all having nice, fun time playing

a family game. With June as well

involved in that. But you can probably

head home now, June, because Ruth...

- Is going to cook a very special dinner.

- Ohhh, it's really nice of you, Ruthie.

But actually, June's already on it.

- Yepper! I have a nice, healthy meal

in the oven as we speak.

- Does that qualify as a nursing duty

or is that just a special perk? - Just a perk, I suppose.

- Feels like a special perk. - Hahaha!

- Well, that's great! I guess tomorrow night,

I'll make a very special dinner and maybe a little movie.

I noticed Netflix has Rocky IV. Rollie, that's your favourite.

- Rocky IV! Oh, what a film that is!

The only film to feature a boxer who gives

his brother-in-law a robot that's sort of a wife.

No, that's true.

It's true, it's true. But I will have to do all that

some other time, Ruthie, 'cause tomorrow

me and June are popping across the island to check out an auction, so...

Oh.

Everything OK, Ruth?

- I'm sorry. I don't know why

I did that. I... I guess it's because

I want to spend time with you, and you're choosing

to spend time with June, and my body seems to be

rejecting that. It's so weird!

- It's very expressive, Ruth. Dad, Ruth is expressing herself.

- Come with us if you want.

- Oh, sure. Little third wheel type of thing, that sounds

like a lot of fun. - No, it doesn't have to be that way, Ruth.

- Shut up! - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

- Ruth, June is a guest in our house.

- Oh, that's funny because I thought

that guests went home at a certain point.

- Oh, goddamn! - I suppose I should go then.

- Uh, no, no, please-- - Yes, June, sit down

and I'll go! - Oh no, you don't really--

- No, no, no, no, no! And listen,

if my clothes fit you, why don't you start wearing those too.

You're coming, Bryn?! - No.

- OK!

- Ruth, don't...

Well, I hope you're happy, Andy. You and June just

drove away a wonderful woman. - Ruth drove herself away.

- Is that what you think? - Yes.

- Maybe it's because she's panicking

because she and Dad had a beautiful little Odd Couple

relationship going, and then you introduced some new lady into it

and drove 'em apart, just like in Grumpy Old Men.

- This is not like Grumpy Old Men!

- Exactly like Grumpy Old Men. - Have you seen Grumpy Old Men?

- Have you seen Grumpy Old Men? - Yes, I've seen Grumpy Old Men.

- Have you? Have you? - Yes, I have!

Grumpy Old Men is about two grumpy old men

who hate each other and fall in love with the same woman. - Wrong.

Grumpy Old Men is about two grumpy old men who appear

to hate each other, but secretly love each other and have a great rapport

and deep down, you just know they're fing.

And then a lady comes along and gets in the way of all that. - I'm going to sleep.

- OK. Sleep tight, Andy.

Sleep tight knowing the destruction you've caused.

- There we go. - Oh, thanks.

Aaah, I wonder where's Ruth's gone.

- Oh, don't worry about her, Rollie. She'll be fine.

- Yeah... Yeah, yeah, she'll be fine.

You know, you don't have to stick around so late.

I promise I won't tuck in at the first salty snack

I see as soon as you leave.

I don't mind staying late.

I mean, it's not like I have anyone to get home to.

Husband's dead.

- Yes, as you keep saying.

- Yeah, I never told you how he died, though.

It's kind of a funny story.

You see, he put so much

into his museum, but because of your antics,

he never got a chance to succeed.

Anyway, long story short,

he went out of business and drank himself to death.

Oh!

Sorry, June, I didn't know.

- It's really alright, Rollie.

Aaah...

everybody has to die sometime.

Well, you say that--

Hold still.

Yeah, chloroform takes a lot longer than most people think.

There we go.

Ohhh! We're relaxing now?

Oh... it's just like a massage, is it?

A massage inside your head.

Here we go.

Night-night. Poop!

and listening to my sob story. - I didn't hear any sobbing.

Just a lot of jaw clenching

and mime strangling, which I really connected with.

- I appreciate it. - Now I'm gonna go do up your bed.

Uh, uh... You need a toothbrush? I got a spare,

but the bristles are rock hard. It's how I like 'em.

- No, it's alright. I put some stuff in my...

purse.

- What's wrong? - Oh, my goodness, I think

- I took June's purse by mistake. - Whoa!

- Oh no, put that down! Molly! - Let me see!

Oh! Look at this. That looks like a diary.

- Well, I am gonna ask you again to respect June's privacy.

And if you don't, I'm going to ask you a third time.

- Fine, it's your life. Night-night, Ruth.

- He's awake.

Jeez, I hope those ropes aren't too tight.

Are you OK?

- Shh, shh, shh, shh! You know, after my Davy died,

I was consumed by thoughts of revenge.

I just... I didn't know how I was gonna pull it off.

And then, poof, your son

calls my place of work

asking for a home-care worker for you,

and I swear, it felt like God was tapping me

on the shoulder saying, "Uh, June,

did you forget you wanted to kill this guy?" Hahaha!

Anyway, after a few days, trying to get

rid of Ruth, here we are. Any last words?

Well said.

- Put. That. Needle. Down. Now.

Please. - Hello, Ruth.

June... ♪♪♪

I found your diary.

And I almost read it before I realized

that would be very rude, and I decided to return it.

But now I see that you're the one who's very rude.

Unless I'm wrong about what's going on here,

and then I do apologize.

Oh! What was that?

- Oh, I think Dad and June are having sex. - No. I heard banging, thumping.

- What part of "having sex" do you not understand?

I do not want to walk in on this.

Help!

- Oh, my God! Dad?! - Hmm!

- Oh, God! Ruth snapped, she's here for revenge!

- She attacked me! She's trying to kill your father! - See, I told you

June was a bad person. Get her, Andy, get her!

- No, she's lying! She came back and found

your father and I together, and she tried to kill me!

- So hard to know. I'm pretty sure Ruth would never do this,

but I'd be lying if I said I was, like, certain.

- June's the killer, you moppets!

- OK, yeah. June's bad, Ruth's good; get her, Andy!

- Fine! It's me!

Now stay back! - June,

how did you ever expect to get away with something like this?

- Air bubble in the needle causing a heart attack.

I would have made sure that it was too late

by the time he got to the hospital. - That's actually pretty clever.

- It would have worked. - Well thought out.

- But the time of subtlety is over.

You took away the love of my life, Rollie; now I'm gonna take away yours.

- We've never really defined our relationship, but I'm certainly not the love of his life.

Yes, you are, Ruth. ♪♪♪

You have been for a long time.

- How touching. You just signed her death warrant,

but it was a lovely moment.

Do you have any last words? - Yes.

I forgot to return your purse! - Argh! Ah!

AAAAH!

- Well, June is in stable condition

down the hall if you'd like to check in on her.

But I'm sure that you don't.

Because she tried to kill you. - Yeah.

So, how are you feeling, Dad? - Oh, much better,

thank you, Mark. Now that I'm no longer in the clutches

of a deranged murderer. By the way,

thank you very much, Andrew.

A fine bit of due diligence there.

- She was from the home-care service, it's not my fault.

- Nobody's blaming you, Andrew. - I am.

- Yes. I am also. - Me too.

- That's three out of four for blaming, you sure you don't want

to change your mind there, Ruth? - Oh, alright,

I blame you too. - Hmm!

- Alright, clean sweep. - Well, I'm just gonna go

bring June this casserole I whipped up.

- OK, whoa, whoa, whoa! She just tried to kill you.

- Oh! Well, that's in the past now.

You can't hold on to a grudge forever.

- Jeez, that woman is a saint.

- Indeed she is. Which is apparent to us all,

apart from Andy of course.

- I said I was sorry! - You think

Andy technically qualifies as an accomplice here?

- Oh, I... What?! - He might be, I think.

- ♪♪ You can make your life a misery if you try ♪

♪ You can take a smile and change it to a sigh ♪

Closed Captioning by SETTE inc

♪ Then look beyond the cloud ♪

♪ 'Cause there's an awful lot of sunshine in the sky ♪

♪ Yes, there's an awful lot ♪

♪ Of sunshine in the sky ♪♪