Original subtitles

♪ ♪

[Gene] I think I've been in this position too long.

I can't feel my legs. Could someone look and tell me

-if they're still there? -Tina will.

-Can I do it later? -Forget it.

If they're gone, they're gone.

Okay, you clump-a-lumps.

Get up and get dressed.

We don't get dressed on Sundays.

It's the day we worship the TV.

-[all gasp] -[Linda] Come on.

It's nice out.

We're going on a family walk.

[all exclaim]

But our family is terrible at that.

It's too hot for a walk.

It's too cold for a walk.

It's a beautiful day and we're wasting it

just walking around.

This is happening, and it's gonna be great.

You always say that.

Your mouth is a lie hole!

Wait, does Dad know about this?

There's no way he signed off on a "walk."

Oh, yeah. Dad, can you deal with your wife, please?

-Tina. -Sorry.

Okay, I'm ready to go.

-Traitor. -Sorry, kids. -Ha!

In your little faces!

Yes, our family walks

have not always been great,

and some have been very bad.

We did have that sort of good one,

before it went bad.

So, yay, walk.

And, hey, I'm prepared this time.

I got sunscreen, I got Band-Aids,

I got a water bottle,

I got a change of shorts for Gene.

-Gene, you know why. -I do.

And I got these new walking shoes.

You see? Walk, walk, walk.

Aren't they fun?

I hate them! Sorry.

I hate what they stand for.

Oh! The restaurant! We can't walk.

We have to work in the restaurant.

I thought that place closed down.

-Gene. -Wow. Tina's right, Mom.

I'd love to go on a walk

but, you know, got to work. Married to my job.

We'll be back in time to open for lunch.

We're just gonna walk to the end of the Old Pier,

say hi to the ocean and come right back.

The Old Pier? The one with no fun stuff on it?

Unless you count old fishermen as fun.

[sighs] Okay. We'll go on your death march.

If we can get toys at the souvenir place.

Toys? No.

Candy at the candy place?

It's 9:30 in the morning.

Muffins at the muffin place?

-Yeah. -Yes, yes, yes.

Hmm, it is by the pier.

Their muffins are really good.

Muff yeah, they are.

Okay, deal.

We're going on a family walk.

Everybody pee. Wait, me first.

What happened, man?

[sighs] I said sorry.

[Linda clicks tongue] Aw.

You see, kids? It's such a nice day,

-even the bird's walking. -[Tina] And it's

-eating an old diaper. -Oh.

Yeah, gross. Still a nice walk, though.

-[Gene] Mm... -Hold on.

Something's funky with my new shoes.

Fun funky. Let me pull up my socks.

Well, hello. Look who's at

-the sunglasses place. -[Tina] Coach Blevins.

And he's wearing some sort of shorts that

go all the way down? Wait, he owns pants?

-[Louise] Or rents them. -[Gene] I guess he's taking

a day off from teaching science

and yelling at kids to "get after it."

You know, I heard a rumor that Coach Blevins

makes sweat-scented candles.

Sweat-scented candles? Oh, my God.

I know. I'm not not interested.

Gene, we did that-- the sweat joke we made the other day

-about Blevins. -We went viral.

And not in a diarrhea way, for once.

W-Wait, what happened?

Well, let's just say Gene and I have both been

targeted by Blevins for our lack of perspiration.

One. And done.

Don't want to get too ripped.

They're called sit-ups, not lie-downs, Louise.

-Get sweating. -Ugh.

[grunts]

Gene, come on. Get after it.

I'm just not feeling inspired yet.

And I don't love the choreography,

if I'm being honest.

Just once I'd like to see you break a sweat during PE.

Would you settle for seeing me break wind?

So, in the lunch line, Gene said...

What is that man's obsession

-with sweating? -And I said...

I think he collects it to make sweat candles

so his whole house can smell like PE.

And Gene said...

Yeah. And then he sells them on Sweatsy.

Kids must have heard us and spread it around as a rumor.

So, that sweat candle idea's still up for grabs?

Wait, is that your sort of friend,

-Fifth Grade Megan? -Where?

Oh, Megan.

Is she following Blevins?

You mean, like, on the socials?

Megan's not allowed to follow teachers anymore.

That seems like one of those rules you shouldn't

-have to make a rule about? -Yeah.

She followed Ms. Santucci home every day for three days

because she thought Ms. Santucci was a werewolf.

Now if she does it again she'll get suspended.

Ms. Santucci's not a werewolf. She's just European.

This is nice, right?

Yeah. No one's even complaining.

Ugh! These socks.

-Yep. -Hold on.

-Are you okay? -I'm fine.

Just a tiny little blister-- Ow.

Ew. I mean, mm, wow.

Sorry, socks, it's not your fault.

We both know who's to blame here.

It's these shoes. You failed me, new shoes.

But I've got the Band-Aids, so we're good.

Do you need anything? You want a sip of water?

You want lip balm?

-A receipt for lip balm? -Um, no thanks.

-Tampon? -Maybe later.

[Louise] Huh. There's Blevins, but where's Megan?

-Was there ever a Megan? -She is a bit of a kook.

Once, during recess, she tried to convince a few of us

that chickenpox was invented by chickens

as a way to overthrow mankind.

That's not true. Right? [weak chuckle]

No, actually, it's a proven fact.

[all exclaim]

Why are you guys following me?

-Why are you following Blevins? -I have my reasons.

You already got in big trouble for this exact type of stuff.

If Blevins catches you, it's Suspension City.

And that place doesn't even have a decent Whole Foods.

-So what gives? -Okay, I'll tell you.

But I'm not responsible for the danger

this information may put you in.

Uh-huh, yeah, sure.

So, you probably heard that Coach Blevins

is collecting students' sweat to make candles.

Oh, God. Megan, listen--

But, actually, he's handing it all over to Big Data.

-Um... -They're mining our sweat for DNA.

They'll be able to predict who's gonna be a troublemaker,

who's gonna be a goody-goody,

who's gonna go into performing arts.

It all goes into a database so schools can identify

potential "problem" students.

And then silence them.

Wow. Megan, that's... elaborate.

-Thank you. -And I love hearing

your many theories, which are all super rational, but--

He's on the move, he's on the move. And once I have

enough proof, I'm gonna go to the cops,

I'm gonna go to the media,

anyone who wants to know the truth.

Tom Cruise? Even though he can't handle it?

Megan, wait.

Aw, damn it.

So, Megan heard our hilarious rumor

and now she thinks Blevins is part

of a global sweat conspiracy?

And it could get her suspended,

which is not great.

Because it'll be all your fault, basically?

No, no, no, no, no, no, don't say that.

I mean, I did say it, 'cause it's true.

Gah!

Ow, ow, ow, ow,

-ow, ow, ow, ow-- -Lin, maybe we should just go home.

Aw. Ow! Ow, ow-- Why?

-Just an idea. Uh, because, you know, -Ow, ow, ow,

-of the sounds you're making. -ow, ow.

Ugh, fine. I'll never forgive you for this, shoes.

I'm sure they feel bad about it.

No, they don't. Look at them.

They're laughing at me. Well, the kids'll be thrilled.

Hey, guys? We're-we're gonna head home.

Mom's new walking shoes aren't great for walking.

Oh. Uh, seriously?

But can't we keep going?

You guys want keep walking?

Yeah. We love it so much, it turns out.

And it doesn't have anything to do with the fact

that a joke we made might get someone in huge trouble.

-What? -Nothing!

Aw, they love walking.

Kids, your mom really isn't up to--

No, I'm fine.

I'm great. Better than great.

-Family walk. -Is that blood on your sock?

It's just a little bit of new shoe blood.

It's very normal for this type of shoe.

-Okay, let's walk, people. -All right!

-Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow... -Oh, my God.

-[grunting] -Can we, uh, pick up the pace

a little bit here? You know, get the blood pumping?

Maybe no more blood for Mom, though.

-'Cause of, um, you know. -Guys, I don't think

-your mom can go any faster. -Sure I can.

Ow, ow, ow. See? So fast.

And now I'm gonna sit on the bench, ow.

-Ooh, I could sit. -Gene.

-Or keep walking. -Hey,

you kids go ahead, we'll catch up in no time,

if your dad doesn't slow us down too much, right?

[laughs] So out of shape,

-he is. [weak chuckle] -Mm. Mm-hmm. Yep.

And, uh, if we don't catch up, we'll meet you

at the end of the Old Pier, okay?

Family walk. Yay.

-Okay. -See you later. -Bye.

Oh, wait, here's some muffin money.

Muffin Money is gonna be my exotic dancer name.

Don't steal it.

We're never gonna make it to that pier.

Yes, we will, damn it.

Bob, you see the coffee place over there?

Yeah. You want a coffee?

No, we can't afford their coffee.

-I want napkins. For my feet. -Napkins?

Yeah, I-I just need some more things

between my feet and the shoes that hate my feet.

So, I should go in and take napkins without buying anything,

like a criminal?

We let people come in and take our napkins.

No, you don't. You yell at them.

Yeah, but none of them were bleeding.

-Well, that one guy was. -I apologized once I found out.

Eh, you said, "Doesn't seem like that much blood."

Just go and get the napkins, please.

How far up does this go? School board?

The Board of Education? Could be a whole smorgasbord

of boards in on this.

Megan, listen, you... you got to stop.

That sweat candle rumor came from a very funny joke we made.

And it spread like sweaty wildfire.

Louise, I know sweat candles aren't a real thing.

Who'd believe something crazy like that?

Yeah, I know, right?

But all rumors have a touch of truth to them.

And this one got me thinking.

All the signs were there,

I just needed to connect the dots.

Sweat can contain skin cells, hair cells.

That's why every time a drop of sweat

touches the basketball court, Blevins immediately wipes it up.

And it explains why he loves dodgeball

so much. Sweat flying

everywhere. And his precious mats?

All he has to do is wait until class ends,

swab those suckers, and it's a sweat-fest

ready for processing.

PE is a BO-scented DNA gold mine.

[Tina] OMG.

But I haven't been able to figure out

where he's processing the DNA.

The school definitely doesn't have

that kind of equipment, and Blevins

doesn't seem to have a lab set up at his house or anything.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You went in Blevins' house?

Oh, my God, no. That's so creepy.

-I watched him through his windows. -Oh, Megan.

He's getting a call. Okay, it's probably his handler

to coordinate the drop. He's talking on his phone

and he's looking in his bag. He's saying,

"Yes, I have the sweat samples right here."

-He is? -I mean, I'm guessing.

I can't read lips. But I do read vibes.

Yeah, I can't think of any other reason

he'd be looking in his bag and talking on his phone.

-That's the only explanation. -I know.

He's gonna lead me right to his processing center.

-His bottom? -Megan.

We made an incredible joke.

Please don't get suspended over it.

Louise, your "joke" put me on a path

toward truth and justice.

If that gets me suspended, then...

-That was deep. -Megan, stop! Ugh!

-Your fault. -[Louise] Shh!

Cheap Band-Aid that only sticks to the sock.

Here are the napkins.

Uh, I got a coffee. It's small.

I put it on the credit card.

-We'll pay it off over time. -Thanks.

-Oh, I also got sugar packets. -Ooh, free sugar.

-No, not for your mouth. For your feet. -Oh. For my feet?

Maybe? Seems kinda cushiony?

You know what, I'll try it.

Get in there. You get in there, you two.

Hmm. Okay, a little less searing pain.

And the napkin's soaking up the blood

and the sugar's squishy, so that's fun.

Yeah, it's all working out.

Let's go find the kids. Ow.

[children panting]

[Tina] Will you look at that?

Everyone's jumping on the muffin train today.

[Gene] Well, it is muffin season. Which means

just a few more months till hot scone summer.

[Megan] Look at the cover story of that magazine.

"Bio-tech Breakthrough." Could that be any more obvious?

[Louise] Oh my God, a science teacher

is reading a science magazine?

Call the Pentagon.

[Megan] Louise, if it's easier for you

to live in your little dream world

where teachers aren't using our sweat

to create a database, then maybe it's best

if you just stay asleep.

But some of us have to do something.

You can high-five the crap out of me later.

Okay, how about this?

If you're so sure that Blevins is collecting our sweat,

then let's set a trap.

-[Gene] What? -[Tina] What?

[Megan] That's a great idea

I should've already had. How do we do it?

[Gene] I'm assuming step one is we get muffins.

-[Tina] Step two, we eat the muffins? -[Gene] Copy that.

No, we use bait that Blevins could never resist.

Sweat from the one kid who's never left a drop in PE.

What?

[grunting]

[Tina] Are we gonna get in trouble?

What if Blevins gets suspicious?

Tina, I'm trying to prove a point here.

Gene, you're barely moving. You actually have to sweat.

I'm warming up. Also, I don't know any exercises.

Run in place or just do that dance

you're planning on doing when you meet Prince in Heaven.

But I need Ken to be my "Jerome" for that.

[Louise] Gene, just do it.

Ugh, okay, I'll try it.

[grunting rhythmically]

Now get Coach Blevins' attention.

Hi, Coach Blevins! It's me, Gene Belcher!

Uh, hi, Gene. Are you...

-doing the bird? -Just doing some working out.

You convinced me. And... done.

Hoo. Good game, everyone.

Woo! Time to throw this sweaty, sweaty T-shirt away.

Bye, Coach Blevins. Off I go to the beach to catch my lunch.

Um, bye?

-Good work. -Yeah, you really went for it.

[sighs] Thank you, but my eyes are up here.

[Megan] And the trap is set.

[Louise] And... he doesn't care at all.

Well, this has been fun.

Especially the us being super right

and you being so very wrong,

-but we need to go meet our mom and dad and-- -[Megan] Look.

[Louise] What?

He's just crossing the street to...

to... What the heck?

-[laughs] I knew it. -What?

No! My shirt!

Now I'm gonna need sunscreen for my shoulders,

Mary-Kate and Ashley.

Wait, I thought they were the Judds.

-My jugs are the Judds. -Oh, yeah.

[Louise] I can't believe it. Coach Blevins took Gene's shirt?

It doesn't make any sense.

[Gene] Like that movie Stop Making Sense.

Okay, people, this is undeniable proof

that Coach Evan Blevins

is for a fact collecting the sweat of Wagstaff students

for the behavior predictive database.

-Ugh. -And, Louise,

we never would've had this breakthrough

-without your idea for the trap. -No. Shh. No, it-- [sighs]

-[Megan] Yeah. -I'm not here, I'm not part of this.

Another thing that's your fault. Just saying.

Yeah, thank you. Helpful.

[Linda grunting]

Oh, God. Stupid feet.

Is it just bone down there?

I don't want to look. It's nasty.

Well, why don't I just go get the car?

No, no. This could be the start of a new family tradition.

We could be a family of walkers.

Walker Belcher Rangers.

And I can get new feet, better feet, Uma Thurman feet.

Those can't be real, right? Come on.

We're still kind of walking with the kids

even though they're, like, four blocks ahead of us.

I-I can still feel them. They don't feel kidnapped.

Uh-huh. W-Well, what if, uh, you-you get on my back?

-Your back? -I know, it's not good,

but maybe today it'll be strong?

I'll crouch down a-and you climb on.

-You'll crouch down? -I know.

It's sounding worse and worse, but let's try, okay?

-Oh, my God. -All right, here we go.

-Climbing on. -[grunts]

Lin, you're choking me. Okay. Will you loosen your arms?

-Oh, sorry. Sorry. -It's fine.

-Sorry. Oh... -It's great. Okay.

Okay. Here we go.

[grunting] We're walking.

-Hi, hello. -[Bob grunting]

Doing great, Bob. Sort of.

Okay, there's a curb coming up. Use the ramp.

I can't turn. I'm committed.

Come on, legs. You can do this.

And... up. Nope.

And... up.

-[straining] I'm dying. -Uh... Okay, put me down.

-Put me down. Bob, you okay? -[grunts]

I heard crackly sounds.

No, that's normal, I think.

Maybe Coach Blevins just needed a shirt that would fit

a ten-year-old boy for some reason?

Nice-ish gift for his least favorite nephew?

It's probably for his dog.

I do have the exact same torso as an adult corgi.

I just... [sighs] I don't get it.

There's got to be some explanation.

Hey, Louise, I know the truth can be scary.

But being afraid of it doesn't make it any less real.

And if we do nothing, if we just cover our eyes,

the bad guys win, and then all our fates

are decided by Coach Blevins wiping our sweaty balls.

-[Tina] And... he threw it away. -[Megan] What the...

-Ha! -How dare he.

It's made of cotton.

[grunts, groans]

Ugh, forget it. I'll go barefoot.

Throw these things into the ocean.

Or into a volcano. Damn you.

It's too far to go barefoot, Lin.

Plus, the ground's pretty gross,

and you have a lot of open wounds.

[sighs] Then leave me. Find a new wife.

Someone with shoes that fit.

-Okay. Oh. -Bob, I was kidding.

Don't leave me. You won't like your new wife.

She won't laugh at your Mrs. Doubtfire impression like I do.

It rolls pretty good.

Oh, Bob, shopping cart. You're a genius.

[imitating Mrs. Doubtfire] Hello!

Ah, there she is.

[normal voice] You want a ride to the pier, ma'am?

Oh, Bobby. It's like I'm a princess.

Oh, don't roll over that poop.

Oh, too late.

[Louise] Well, Megan, seems like all you've uncovered

is Coach Blevins' sinister plan to clean up the boardwalk.

[laughs] So, I'm gonna go back to the gloating

and saying I was right about everything.

And putting this back on. Ooh, pepperoni.

-Was that there before? -[Tina] Gene, no-- Okay, fine.

That's why he threw away Gene's shirt.

Look. He saw us.

[Louise] Oh, please. It's so blurry you can't tell

-where he's looking. -That's what he wants you to think.

He's clearly trying to sabotage this investigation.

By... tidying up the community

and just being helpful in general?

Uh, yeah, tidying up his mess.

But I'm not gonna let him win.

We're not gonna let him win, okay?

'Cause I'm gonna edit this deceptive part out,

where he's clearly trying to throw us off,

and the world will see the unvarnished edited truth.

Megan, this is getting serious.

This is an innocent person.

And also, damn, you're in fifth grade,

and you have a phone that can do all that?

I'm 13, and I don't even--

-Tina. -Yup, right.

Sorry, Louise, it's my duty

to share this with the world.

-And... post. -Megan, no!

Oh, man, big file and no signal.

Oh, bummer. Eh, I guess you can't post.

I got to go. Please, don't follow me. Thank you.

Damn it. She's looking for Wi-Fi.

We can't let her post that video.

She's running to the muffin place.

-Muffin's gonna stop us now. -Try the banana rhubarb.

-It's sweet, but not too sweet. -Thank you. -[panting]

Megan! Megan! Don't post that video!

[sniffs] Ah... That smell.

I want to ask that smell to prom.

I'm already engaged to that smell.

We're having a beach wedding.

-Damn it, the Wi-Fi's locked. -Oh, good.

You have to buy something to get the password.

-Oh. -But the Wi-Fi is exceptional.

Is it possible I can cut in front of you?

I'm just-- I'm sort of on a mission of justice here.

Oh, that's cute. Sorry, no.

-Ha! -Hmm.

Ugh, that lady just got the last banana rhubarb.

Are you kidding me?

Aw, Bob, look at the baby. Hi, sweetie.

-So... how old is yours? -He's kidding.

I'm not a baby. I'm just a grown woman in a shopping cart

'cause my feet are bleeding. Yeah, my feet are bleeding.

Yes, they are. Yucky, bloody feet.

-[Bob] Oh, here we go. -[Linda] Bye, baby.

[bumpy voice] Oh-h-h-h, it's bump-y-y-y.

-Too much? -Maybe-e-e-e.

Wait, no, I think I like it.

-Megan, you've got to delete that video. -[scoffs]

Actually, unrelated, can I see your phone real quick?

I just want to make sure my contact info's up to date.

-Bup-bup-bup-bup. -Just real quick.

-It's up to date. -Are you sure?

Yeah. God, what's taking so long?

-People, it's just a muffin. -Don't listen to her!

-It's so much more. -It's everything.

Megan, would it be cool to uncover

a nefarious surveillance ring at Wagstaff?

Uh, yeah. It would be very cool,

but think about how much planning

and precision it would take

for the people who work at our school to pull that off.

They haven't even figured out morning drop-off.

It's just people honking.

But they will figure out how to expel you for this.

[employee] Here you go.

The Wi-Fi password's on the receipt.

I know. I come here a lot.

Thanks for noticing. Hurtful.

-Hi. What can I get you? -A muffin, please.

Well, what kind? We have over a dozen different flavors--

Whatever. Any muffin. It doesn't matter.

Any muffin, it doesn't matter...

Okay. Challenge accepted.

Megan, please. I don't want you to get suspended,

and I don't want to mess up

an annoying but innocent gym coach's life, okay?

Listen, I like that you question stuff. I really do.

That's one of the reasons that I like being friends with you--

kind of friends with you.

But sometimes, you got to turn some of that

on yourself, you know?

You got to question your questioning.

$2.75, please. Enjoy your cinnamon passionfruit.

-Or don't. I did my best. -Thanks.

Megan, please. Please don't post that video.

-Oh, phew. -Hello. What can I get you?

-Oh. Uh... -Muffins!

-[panting] -Sorry, he's just excited.

Uh, Gene, calm down, buddy. Bring it down.

I guess you saved me from getting into

a buttload of trouble, or whatever.

Hey, don't worry about it.

But, uh, yes, I did, and you're welcome.

I hope we can stay kind of friends?

Have you ever seen a video of a live giant squid?

-No. -[laughs] Well, you're about to.

Okay.

Whoa. Look at that thing.

Kind of makes you want a giant squid, right?

-Yeah. -'Cause I have a plan for that.

How big is your bathtub?

[Linda] Thanks for getting me here, Bob.

Riding in that shopping cart made me feel like E.T.

-Your feet look like E.T. -[Louise] Hello, parents.

Hey, you slow pokes finally caught up.

Ooh. There better be a muffin in there for Mommy.

Of course. How does vanilla nutmeg

with a little bite taken out of it sound?

That's not that little.

-So you made it, huh, Mom? -Kind of.

Your father pushed me here in the shopping cart.

You guys keep getting hotter and hotter.

It was a good walk, huh? A good walk?

Yeah. Sorry we were jerks about it this morning.

It was way less bad than I thought it would be.

Really?

Yeah, I'd family walk this family again.

Me, too. I'd walk the walk,

and I'd talk the talk about the walk.

Well, I'm gonna take the shopping cart back

and go home and get the car

before your mom's feet fall all the way apart.

Anyone want to go with me?

-Ooh. We just walked... -No, yeah, I'm-I'm done.

-Can we all fit in the cart? -[sighs] Um, no.

Yay! Everyone in the cart!

-I don't want to-- -Driver, take us home.

Okay. [straining] It's just hard to push all of you,

but it's fine.

[Linda] You're gonna like the bumps.

Little pee comes out. Not too much.

[Gene] You packed me extra shorts. Dad, go nuts.

♪ Family walk ♪

♪ With the family ♪

♪ Family walk ♪

♪ Walk the walk and talk the talk ♪

♪ Family walk ♪

♪ With the family ♪

♪ Family walk ♪

♪ At first, they balk, then they love that walk ♪

♪ Gonna take a family walk ♪

♪ Get some blood right on our socks ♪

♪ Then we ride in a shopping cart ♪

♪ That's how we do the family walk ♪

♪ With the family ♪

♪ Family walk ♪

♪ Hey, what's in that muffin box? ♪

-♪ Family walk. ♪ -[Linda] It's just a little bit of new shoe blood.

Captioning sponsored by BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT

and TOYOTA.