Original subtitles

Well, did you tell adjustment to keep the noise down?

Hello? Who's that?

Hi, Sammy. Oh, Milton.

Yeah, listen, Sammy, could you see your way clear to lend me $50?

What was that?

Can you lend me $50?

Milton, you'll have to speak up.

Can you lend me $50?

Sorry, Milton, I still can't hear you.

Well, I can hear him clear enough.

Then you lend him the $50.

Have you got a book called Man,

the Superior Sex?

You'll find it over there.

Under fiction.

I

just

think it's time I had a night out with the boys, that's all. Other men have a

night out with the boys. Why can't I?

I agree.

I mean, I should have a night out with... You agree?

You mean you don't mind?

If I minded, would I have spent half an hour getting the boys ready?

Thank you, Clive.

Now, when I was young and my figure was sleek.

I had a different gal every night of the week. And each gal knew for certain

which was her day.

You see, their names were Sandy Mandy, Trudy Wendy Fergie, Heidi and Sally May.

Then people asked me why I never married.

Why I never took a wife.

One of my own, that is.

I say it's because I have been in love with dream stars all my life. Well, when

I hardly think, now can you name the five disciples, my son?

I say, well, I sure can.

They're Matthew, Mark, Olivia, Newton, John, you see.

I'm fond of Jane, fond of, but he's getting fond of me.

I'm mad on a lady called Madonna, but Madonna ain't mad on me.

I'm ready for Helen. Ready, hell, I'm ready as I'm ever going to be.

And if I could see more of Jane Seymour, I'd let Jane see more of me. And

there's a lot to see. If I saw Ursula Andress, I'd be dying to take a second

look. I wouldn't think Sue Cook is Sue Cook, my goose.

I'd rather goose Sue Cook.

I'd let Gloria gain a little bit of weight as we picnic by Joan Rivers.

If I could get my burly shaggy up close to Shirley Bassey, I would boogie till

my googie withered.

I'd like to get Leslie and I'm down to my cottage by the bay.

I told Esther Ransom I would put my best pants on if she'd come with me down

Mexico way.

But when I assured Anna Ford that we can afford to fly to Cuba, she just said

no. Well, if I can't have Anna in Havana, I'll see Esther in Mexico for a

clutch. I'll see Esther.

That's right. Yes, I come back and I caught the pair of them loading up 400

weight of me potatoes into the back of their van. It was a blue van, it was.

Would you recognize them if you saw them again, sir? Oh, yes, indeed I would.

They were King Edwards.

Bob a job, sir.

Bob a job?

Yeah. Bob a job?

Yeah. You haven't finished the swimming pool you started last year.

Get up there, Bob a job.

Here we are, sir. One fresh salmon, 30 quid.

Thank you, sir.

Now, shall I wrap it up for you? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Throw it.

Throw it? Yeah.

All right, sir.

Why? Well, I'm going to tell all the boys that I caught it.

It's only a guinea pig, son.

It's not. It's my Paddy.

But when I told you Paddy was dead this morning, you didn't cry then.

But I thought you said...

Yes, again.

Yes,

I think so.

Thank heavens for that.

Enough, take it out of me. Sit it up and down that drainpipe if you like.

Sit down.

Thank you.

Doctor, I've got a rather nasty pain in my... Back? Back, yes, in my back. I

thought so. Come on, suddenly.

Yes, he did, yes.

How are things at work?

Well, not very good, I'm afraid. I'm being replaced by a younger man.

And at home?

Just the same. I'm being replaced by a younger man.

I know.

As I thought.

Stress. Look at you. Bloodshot eyes.

Trembling hands.

Switching. All typical examples of stress.

Now, Randa, you've got a pain in your back.

Here.

Take these tablets three times a day.

They'll help you to relax, and the pain in your back will disappear.

Oh, thank you, Dr. Trump.

I'm very, very grateful. Thank you so much, Dr. Trump.

I found it down the back of the filing cabinet. It must have...

prison for, then, eh?

You've been a naughty little birdie, have you? You've been dipping your

in their gold tops and licking all their cream, eh?

You've been doing your ploppies in the bird bar.

What's your name, then?

If you must, now, it's Joey.

Joey? Yes.

That's a boy's name. You're female, ain't you?

I know that, and you know that, but that silly old cow, what lives here, don't.

She calls a cat Ben to like kittens.

What's she call it now, then? Ben -er?

I'll be joey, boy, till... Till when?

Till I lay an egg, I suppose.

Yeah, well, I mean, I might be able to help you there, you know.

Oh, how?

How?

Don't nobody ever tell you about the humans and the bees?

Take a cheeky old rooster to the pretty little end. You ain't laid an egg since

the Lord knows when.

Take a pretty little leg to the cheeky old rooster. You don't come around as

often as you used to.

Do you get it?

Didn't your mother ever tell you anything?

Mother? You mean the old girl who bought me?

You mean your mother sold you to her?

No, some man sold me to her.

What a slavery that is.

What about your feathered rights?

I mean, it's not right. Did your mother ruin her figure laying you just so you

could be bought and sold like a chattel?

I mean, that ain't right.

I don't like to think of you being in there, you know. Couldn't you go out,

like, for a little while?

Well... On, like, passionate grounds.

You mean from passionate grounds.

I know what I mean.

I don't like to think of you being in there, you know.

It's not right, is it?

Don't you ever get out at all?

Yeah, when she cleans my cage out, then I stretch my wings a bit. Well, you

could escape.

I know, but I always come back inside.

Ah, you're a recidivist.

No, I'm a budgerigar.

No, you're like them humans. Once they've been in prison, when they go

they nearly always come back again. Of course, they can't face up to the

world, see.

Oh. Are they very like us, then?

Well, they are a bit, yeah. Actually, the menfolk used to call their women

birds.

But they don't much nowadays. Are women very like birds then?

Well, some of them are, yeah. If you look at a nun, she don't half look like

penguin.

No, actually, she's more like a bird of prey.

And I mean, if a woman, you know, she likes to like about a bit and she's a

flighty, you know, they say she's a game bird.

And if women like lay out in the sun, they look like Robin Redbreast.

And if it's chilly, blue tits.

for one reason only. What's that?

Because of the worms they pick up.

Don't let them think you've been in there, though.

Still, at least I'm nice and warm in here. I don't freeze to death in the

like you.

Me? I don't freeze to death, darling. And my great.

Your great what?

Not my great. What? My great? Me and me mates, we all migrate. We fly staff

together. Oh, yeah, I've seen that. Like in a V formation.

Yeah.

He's the one with a map.

Because you've got to stick together out there, you know. It's a jungle out

here. All danger locks around every corner. All these cats, these owls,

orcs. And there's a killer bird what's a cross between a falcon and a duck.

Now, would you if your bum was on fire?

So, look, where do you all head for?

South of the border.

Down Mexico way.

Yeah, we all fly down south, you know. We'll all be with the cockatoos in

Caracas and the parakeets in Paraguay. And I tell you, that lot over the border

there, they need to kill me. They need to dump me and all them over the border.

Bolivians. It's true.

El Coccolito.

Who's El Coccolito?

Who's El Cockaflippin' Lito?

Who is it? He's only, the only male amongst 70 females at the Cockatoo Stunt

Farm. And I mean, you do know how cockatoos breed, don't you?

Yes, who denotes it?

He was marvellous. He had such stamina and he was polite with it. He was called

the fastest lover in La Paz.

Oh, he was, he had a lovely way with him. You know, it was all, Thank you,

madam. Thank you, madam. Thank you, madam. Sorry, Pedro.

Thank you, madam.

Very polite he was. One day they brought in 150 females.

150?

I didn't think he'd make it, but he did.

At the end of the afternoon, he staggered out onto the hot sand, fell on

back, with his legs up in the air and his eyes closed, while circling

above was a dirty great vulture.

And I looked down at him and I said, well... At least he died a happy

What a thing.

That must be a record.

150.

And he opened one eye and he looked at me and he said, shh,

151.

Do you tell me about your fight with Il Coccolito?

It was all over.

A magnificent minor bird from Montevideo.

Oh, she was beautiful.

What colour was her plumage?

Same colour as the rest of her.

I shall never forget it.

I was on my way to La Paz.

It was a lovely day, so I thought I'd walk.

Suddenly, I was in a clearing, and there she was.

She was gorgeous.

And she cocked an eye at me, and I cocked an eye at her.

And for one wonderful moment, there we were, cock -eyed.

Then she flung open her wings, and I flung open mine, and she came towards

and I clasped her to the ground.

I've had more than a day!

Don't go away!

I've paid you the rest, Mr.

Garcia!

Here we are, sir. A quarter pound of mince. You want a calorie -controlled

No, a salary -controlled diet.

One sausage, please.

Just the one.

Good day, my man.

I'd like a Norfolk turkey, and it must be fresh.

Norfolk turkey fresh, yes, ma 'am. One coming up. There we are, ma 'am. One

Norfolk turkey, nice and fresh.

That is not a Norfolk turkey.

I insist on a Norfolk turkey.

Norfolk turkey, right?

Ah,

here we are. Yes, you're quite right. Here we are. Nice Norfolk turkey, ma

There you are, Norfolk turkey, nice and fresh. Neither is that.

Not a Norfolk turkey.

Here you are, ma 'am, a Norfolk turkey.

And neither is that a Norfolk turkey.

How can you tell?

By feeling here by the parson's nose.

A Norfolk turkey is smooth but firm.

Mr. Tibbs always used to save me one.

But you're new here, aren't you? I can tell by your accent.

Where do you come from?

Well, ma 'am, you're the expert.

Thank you very much. It's very nice to be here.

You'll have to forgive me. I'm not myself this evening.

I expect you've noticed the improvement.

Woke up this morning, I had a pain in my side.

I thought I was going to have a wife.

You know, I remembered I got it here last night at the party. I introduced

Davidson to one of the girls and I didn't get out of the way in time.

Jim Davidson, oh boy, oh boy. Is that a comedian? Is that a comedian?

That's what everybody kept asking. Is that a comedian?

But I had a great time. I tell you something very, very nice. I started off

a vodka mixed with castor oil.

It's called a pile driver.

Then I went on to the ASCII Spubanti until I couldn't say it.

Then I went on to the beer.

But while I was there, I met Nina Mishkoff, a brilliant television critic

beautiful woman.

I had drinks with all three of them.

And I met Ray Allen, you know, Ray Allen with the little dummy, the little

wooden dummy, Lord Charles, told me he's just going off to play Israel.

Asked if he could borrow my pencil sharpener.

And on the show tonight, we have none other than the famous Chinese juggler,

Hongluo.

Thank you.

ladies and gentlemen we got a beautiful number it's called the sale of two the

sale of two cities

port a family.

Oh, yeah.

Only there's 15 of us, you know.

Mr. Jones?

Yes? Your zip is undone.

It's not undone.

I know, but I bet so far I could make you take your hat off in the lift.

Right, gotcha.

Richard, quick, go and get Mummy to phone the police station.

Can I say he's got him with a water pistol first?