Original subtitles

If you'd kissed me like that ten years ago, you'd still be single.

No, she told me.

Oh, look!

There's a record player in the kitchen.

And a rack to keep my records in.

Say thanks for coming to me coming out party.

It's great to be out and it's great to be back. Hello, Harry.

I see you with the wife.

What is this, novelty night?

Hey, Frank, I hear you're way half burned down.

It's Tamara.

It's Tamara.

Hiya, Brooklyn.

Remember me?

Do I remember? Do I remember?

I don't know who the hell she is.

Oh, yeah, I remember now. Yeah, it's Marge. It's Marge.

Not from here, you ain't.

Brooklyn, look at these bozos.

When they say crime doesn't pay, these guys are on easy street.

Easy street? Believe me, lady, these guys have a tough time. They really do.

Look at Chuck over there.

Lends the guy $10 ,000 for plastic surgery.

The guy skips down, he don't even know what he looks like.

And Fiorello. Last week his father was in a fire.

Was he badly burned?

They don't kid around at the crematorium, lady.

Three weeks ago, we had a hemorrhoid transplant.

And it rejected him.

Believe me, ladies, these guys have had it tough.

And you?

I've had it tough as well, ladies, too. I'll tell you all about it. Now, listen.

I was brought up in this shack on the wrong side of the track.

No shoes, no dogs, and no bedding.

By the day that I was born, I had calluses on my hands to try to hang on

after the wedding.

Before I went to find my mom, I said, Paul fell off the roof and broke a rib.

Well, that's no cause to cry. She said, you should have laughed. He's dead. I

said, Mama, that's exactly what I did.

Hey!

When I was five, I went to school, and I was made such a fool by a teacher who

was cruel in those times.

I would raise my hand and say, Sir, I can't find my eraser. He'd say, OK, you

set little boys behind.

When I was the age of 12, I had to take care of myself and my little baby

brother, too, because...

You see, one night in Arkansas, we lost our maw and our paw.

Oh, boy, what a crap game. That's rough.

I went to stay with Uncle Jim, who used to chase the women. He said, oh, don't

do that no more. Now I've retired.

You see, for the time you've learned to read a woman like a book, you'll find

your library card has expired.

He thinks you're going to make your money for it? Then you've got to make it

back. Now that's the sentiment that cannot be denied.

Oh, boy,

oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

How do you meet Gloria?

Gloria! And where's Macho Mike?

His wife wouldn't let him come.

Macho Mike?

His wife wouldn't... Macho Mike?

Who's had two vasectomies?

And jumped home from both of them?

Macho Mike, whose motto is... You get more with a kind word and a gun.

What do you do with just a kind word?

Well, I hate him. He slept with my chick and squashed it.

Hey, and what about Father O 'Brien? Remember, 24 children had Father O

His wife's doing great, but the snork is dying.

Sorry, Father.

Oh, don't you know, it was good to see at mass on Saturday night.

Oh, so that's where I was.

Are you mixing with his creeps? I thought they were coming to my poetry

Come on, no. So much you can do.

Come on. Poetry? Oh, come on. Oh, no.

The swishy scrub, the grass is riz. I wonder where them boys is he.

Them little boys who all so sweetly sing.

Do not distress yourself, young man. It's always a part of nature's plan. You

see, that little boy is on the way.

I have listened most intently to the words you spoke so gently,

but what you have vouchsafed is quite absurd.

It do not have a truthful ring to say the boy is on the wing when we'll know

the wing is on the boy.

What's that, Father?

Now tell me, tell me, Brooklyn, when did you last see your son?

Oh, about 20 years ago, Father. He was about four years old, a little kid.

we have invited him here tonight. No.

Yes. Your son, Brooklyn Jr.

Oh.

Oh, no.

Not my son, a dirty, lousy, stinking cop.

How could you do it to me, son?

You could have been a father of all this.

You'd have been a member of the Brotherhood, where every brother is a

And he's a great guy.

Guys like old smudger Tom, who takes your photo on the promichat, five

but you never get your prince.

And pickpocket Harry Clinger, who's only got one finger. All he ever steals is

pole on me.

And when I say I love a steal, I mean a steal where the gin comes out the end.

And tips hope Pete can open a safe with his bare feet. He drives a fingerprint

department round the bend.

All right, it's going to be great fun. No, no, no. Hold it, hold it. No, no,

That's not your son.

That's your son.

Dad!

That's my son. That's my son. Hey, son, how did you fix this?

I got the warden a ticket for the governor's ball.

Oh, great.

But the warden can't dance.

He don't have to. It's a raffle.

I like it, yeah.

It matters too much. And then?

Oh, and then, yeah.

Just eating the fun, father and son.

How is the crime? We can reap it.

Boy, it'll be good. We'll be like Robin Hood.

We're out from the rich, but we'll keep it.

Now you can hold the ladder while I climb up to a window and do paintings by

Rembrandt and Van Gogh.

And if the cops find them in your room, they'll say they're a family heirloom.

They were handed down to me by my father. Oh, it's a hard life.

We've done a lot of jobs, but a hard life. Fifty million, no we don't. I had

steal a diamond necklace for the war.

No shotgun, no six -shooter, and no badge upon his chest.

But whenever he came into town, the population hid.

He was known as the Halitosis Pit.

up this morning who said, rinse your mouth down with a cup of horse manure

morning. Kid said, will it cure my halitosis? Will that get rid of it?

He said, well, no, it won't, but it'll tone it down a bit.

Hi there.

Good morning, sir.

They like to dance.

That's not...

be true.

Well, she'd had an operation and she'd lost her sense of smell.

She was known as Lucky Lulu Bell.

Now Kitty had a rival who was often heard to yell, By heck, I mean to help

wicked way with Lulu Bell.

Then he'd belt and make rude noises and still say...

Thunderclap.

Thunderclap.

Thunderclap. Thunderclap.

Thunderclap. Thunderclap.

Thunderclap. Thunderclap.

Thunderclap.

Now see that villain Thunderclap and his pal Gay Cavaliero.

They're convinced the end's in sight for our courageous hero.

But there's one thing they ain't thought of. There's one thing they don't know.

The kid's halitosis is quite mild compared to his beyond.

Oh, thank you. What is a celebrity menu?

Celebrity menu is a menu dedicated to the famous and the infamous.

You can see there, you could have an Edwina curry.

With Annika Rice.

Pile of Fitzgerald.

If you like fish, you could have a Magnus Pike.

Thorville and Dean.

What sort of fish is that?

Cape, madam.

What is a Samantha Fox?

It's a tender young game bird, sir.

Very tasty, sir. Very sweet, nice, plump breath.

Well, enough for two.

Ample, madam, ample.

And, of course, sir, it's served without dressing.

For two. Very well, sir. And with it, sir?

What, sir, has the Cynthia paid?

Oh, madam, thin.

Yes, you can pay for that with lunch and vouchers.

What are they?

Brothel sprouts.

Would you care for some Jimmy Tarbucks?

What are they?

Hearty jokes.

Not Russell hearty jokes.

Oh, no, sir. Haven't heard of one of those for ages.

And some Charles and Diana salad, sir.

What's that?

Let us alone.

Yep, fine.

Right, and you, madam?

What is the Oliver Reed?

A thick slice of ham.

Is that all?

It's marinated overnight, madam, in a mixture of gin, whiskey, vodka and

Doesn't that ruin the ham?

Indeed, but the gravy, sir.

The gravy, sir. It'll make you feel single and see double.

And we serve it with a feather duster.

Why? Well, it gives you something to do while you're on the ceiling, doesn't it?

What's Superman?

Superman, sir.

Ham with K -pop.

What is the Anne Diamond?

Anne Diamond is a sheep's head with the brains taken out.

Well, what's the Clive James?

Clive James is a load of...

Deceptively strong punch. I should be a bit cautious about that.

Well, what's the Cyril Smith?

That is whale meat, sir.

And the little and large?

Shrimp and whale meat.

And the Vera Lynn?

Whale meat again.

What is the Nina Misch cow?

It's Nina Misch cough, madam.

The cow should be replaced.

Full bone of an ass.

With a double helping of tongue.

On a plate of tripe.

With a side order of ugly fruits.

I don't think I fancy that. I don't think anybody does.

I'd like the Frank Bruno.

For two.

I like his muscles.

Wait till you see his cockles.

for dessert, sir, of course. I mean, you could have a Joan Bakewell tart.

Semolina scotch.

I could mix you a John McEnroe with a Lena Zavaroni. What would that give us?

Macaroni.

You have a Dolly Parton, sir.

What's that?

A little peach with a large pear.

for example, sir, an Alec Guinness?

Fatima Witchbread?

You like? You could even have a sachet of stale water.

Or a cup of Mr. T.

You like something with a little more body? You could have a Tia Maria

Whittaker. Served in a teacup?

Served in a teacup, madam.

Something fizzy? Something with a kick in it. And nice and sweet. And

spicy. Oh, there's only one thing to order, sir. You must order a Hill's

I'm still standing.

Bye.

Bye. Bye.

The bread you made will make you coffee now. You love what doesn't look good.

You'd be a clown by now.

As I thought, it's the drink.

Alcohol and alcohol alone is to blame for your condition.

You see? You see?

You see?

You heard him. Alcohol. Alcohol is to blame, not me. She's been blaming me.

the baby?

Three months.

Tell them a year ago.

I wonder if you'd look after our cat for a few days.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, yeah, all right.

But don't put yourself out.

I've never kept any secrets from my wife. Have you?

Oh, no. No, no, never.

I thought I had.

I wish... I wish this night would never end.

Why, John?

I start work in the morning.

What? With an old funny daddy like me?

Nothing. I like your company.

Still making money, isn't it?

Well,

it ought to be soft. I've boiled it for half an hour.

She won't be long, Trevor.

She's just making a strawberry, onion, banana, anchovy, marmalade and fish

paste.

to see me, sir. Yeah, sit down, Andrew. Look, Andrew, you well know I don't

normally mix business with pleasure.

But in your case...

Unit Trusts. Is there a future in futures? Or is a pension your intention?

Amen.

for that week's morning.