Original subtitles

Of course you can.

Are you wearing that see -through blouse about me?

Like you asked me.

Oh, yeah.

And like you said, I'm not wearing a bra underneath that.

Well, come in, then.

never know how a rose can look so sweet and pure and hold its head up high

when it's standing in manure or why they say all brides are beautiful each and

every one if this is true then where do all the ugly wives come from I'll

never know

They don't throw your faggots down the loop cause it isn't right.

It makes them wet and soggy and impossible to light. Another time they'd

her into flora and she will feel like a queen.

But who can get romantic over a packet of margarine?

For my birthday, the cake that I bought wasn't bad.

I liked the 28 candles that were on the slice that I had.

I knew that the fella as clever as you was tested for fame and for wealth.

Because I crossed a duck with a banjo and got a bird that plucks itself.

And I kissed you instead, I just wanted to do something more comfortable.

While I sat there biting my finger.

Then the door first opened, she stood there with all of me mates from the

And we all sang happy birthday to you.

And all I had on was me socks.

He got the wind up the very first day.

He said, boss is the man of the buildings with a pitchfork barring my

boss said, but all of my tenants are very high class and well bred. Now he

probably holding a pitchfork because he'd been making his bed.

I know it's true.

I know it's right. I know it's right. It's in the papers. It's in the papers.

In black and white.

Now little G, he sat by the roadside.

He was crying one summer day.

Why do you cry, young Jimmy? An old man was hurt today.

Cause I can't do what the big boys do. That's why I cried to Jim.

Move over, then said the old man.

And he sat down and cried with him. And it's true.

I know it's right.

It's in the papers.

In black and white.

Oh.

Oh, look at your face.

Joe!

Why not?

This place is haunted.

Haunted? Who by?

You!

Introducing Susan Camsha.

Irving Cruddy. Willie Treader.

And Patty Bottom as the Kirkdale clan in The Herd.

Duck!

Duck!

Duck!

What the hell's he yelling duck for? Supposed to say whore, not duck.

Why the hell does he keep shouting duck?

Say it's not, I'll be back in time, yeah.

Okay, Biff.

Two beers.

That'll be ten dollars.

Ten dollars?

Hey, what are them for?

For?

You've seen double already.

No, I mean that round your neck. What in the heck's that?

That's my necklace. Why?

Well, everything's a damned high around here. I thought it was your daughter.

There is a bus leaving in ten minutes.

Be under it.

Hey, honey, why don't I take you out one night?

Oh, great.

I'll wear my hop -along chastity belt.

Say, why don't we take those two out tonight?

Oh, can't tonight.

I've got to go to my grand... Your grandpappy's 104th birthday party.

Your grandpappy's still alive at 104?

No, he died at 50, but we just like to celebrate.

Is he going to be there tonight?

I'll go find out.

Would you look at the invitation list and let me know if Ellie Mae has been

invited? Well, let me see now.

This looks like it.

Well, is there a name on it?

I can't rightly tell.

I don't have my reading glasses.

Well, give it to me. Let me have a look.

of things.

Yes, sir.

And don't ever let me catch you wearing my clothes again.

You're going to be some party.

Look, honey, all I said was you want to come up to my room and hear my records.

Now that's finished and enough, isn't it? But suppose I don't like your

Well, then you put your clothes on and come.

but it wasn't the padre, it was the doctor.

I thought he was a bit damn familiar for a padre.

That's the one my fruit comes with.

Have one yourself.

Oh, thank you.

Now, you know the doctor told you to rest.

He said you've got a cute angina.

I've got a cute belly button.

What the hell does that got to do with the price of meat?

Now, go get my desk. I'm going down there. Having a party and nothing about

I've never heard of that thing in my whole dang life. There's a lot of it

me. Drink, sir?

Well, I really do think I should.

I've had six already.

You've had eight, Henry, but who's counting?

Weatherizer. Weather who, Eliza?

Weatherizer. It's a sort of bag that tells you when you've had too much to

drink.

Don't you have it over here?

Yeah, Harry, but over here it's called a wife.

Talking of cattle, I've got a freezing herd out there. It's cold weather that

does it.

My name is Patricia.

Now, I don't mind you calling me Pat, or Girl Pat, or even Cowgirl Pat,

but you call me Cow Pat just one more time, and I'm going to forget that I'm a

lady and kick you right in the nuts.

I mean, look at you. Nothing better heads on a glass of beer.

Say those three little words, that'll have me walking on air.

Go hang yourself.

Thank you.

Spending the night around at my place. What do you say, huh?

I can't. I'm sorry.

I could do a lot for a girl like you, you know. Why don't we talk about around

at my place?

I'm sorry. I'm busy tonight.

Kids, don't give me that hard -to -get stuff.

I mean, I've been around, you know what I mean?

Okay, I understand.

You want to have dinner first.

That's okay.

I'll see you around about 11 o 'clock.

I'm sorry, really. I have other plans for tonight.

More important than spending the night with Superstud?

Oh, come on. What the hell are you doing that's so damn important?

I'm chairing a meeting to decide who's going to be made redundant here.

Well, now, look, I don't want you to think that I'm the sort of person who

coerce a junior fellow employee, you know what I mean, or even a superior,

because that's not my bag at all. I mean, I'm not your average run -of -the

-mill male chauvinist pig, you know. I respect women.

I really do. I think women should not take it lying down. I say take it lying

down. I mean the women have rights. I really think the women have rights.

And they stand up for those rights. I'm going to fight to the death, you know,

to respect those women's rights.

Thank you for the bread and water.

Ladies and gentlemen, you know, people often ask me, you know, they say, what's

it like, what's it really like being an international sex symbol?

And they say, it must be a lot of fun. And I say, well, not necessarily.

I mean, there are times that you could see me and you wouldn't think it was a

lot of fun when I'm sort of banging away at my typewriter, trying to finish

the script.

the show in time, trying to keep awake sometimes until half past three, four o

'clock in the afternoon.

And then they say, oh, all those girls, Ben, aren't you lucky, all those girls.

I bet you get plenty of OB joyful, eh, Ben?

Bet you get your share, eh? I bet you would have birds around it like knives.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have been working with dancers since I was 16

That's 30 years.

say in all honesty with my hand on my heart that I have never once laid a hand

on one of those girls.

I think her name was Sandra.

I'm not absolutely sure.

And then they'll say, you know, oh, I suppose after the show in your spacious

dressing room you have big glamorous champagne parties.

Spacious dressing room?

That room is so small the RSPCA condemned it.

They said there wasn't room to swing a cat in it.

If somebody comes in quickly, the door handle either insults you or injures

depending on which way you're facing.

There's one chair in there.

It's called a bentwood chair.

It's not a bentwood chair. It's a bentwood chair.

It's walked by the damp.

They caught a trout in the mousetrap last week.

hanging from the ceiling like a cow's udder, only not so bright.

I didn't know you could get three watt bulbs.

Next door in the gents, there is no bulb at all and hasn't been for the last

three shows.

Can you imagine what it's like standing there holding a lighted match in one

hand?

feel your way round the wall to the appointed place.

You always know when you're at the appointed place there's a sign that

Thames Television, we aim to please.

Underneath someone's written, will you aim too, please?

You could always tell a man who works at Thames, mould his shoes in a rusty zip.

Think about it.

The man who thinks he's the director,

He says, why don't you use the ladies? We all do. But be careful, there's no

locks on the door.

I said, well, what do you do? He said, well, you sit down, put your foot

the door and hold it.

decided. I was invited to a festival recently, a festival of dubbed and

subtitled television shows, and some of the translations you just wouldn't

believe. Out of sight, out of mind came out as short -sighted people are potty.

He was bent on seeing her came out as the sight of her doubled him up.

And the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak was translated as the whiskey's

alright, don't order the steak.

Anyway, here are one or two versions of some Out of the show.

I don't know.

This is the book of the chest.

Come here.

Come here, I'll be the mayor.

Come around.

What the f -

Ich bin blutenwelke nacket.

Du schlupfst Zigaretten? Oh, ja.

Ich habe denken das, wenn du wirst puffen und panten.

Oh,

yeah.

Ich habe jetzt einen kolossalen Durst.

Aber hast du 50 pence?

50 pi?

Was?

Hast du half ein quid?

Half ein foot?

Half ein knicker?

Oh, Fräulein Diane, geht mir ginger beer für nix.

Not milching the cows.

Not milching the cows.

Not a cow with a cow bell that goes ding -dang -ding -dang because the horns

don't work.

Not a cow with a ding -a -dang -a -dang -a -dang under the arse and put a milch.

But they're plot cows.

They start off cows.

Ich liebe Fräulein Diane.

Oh, Fräulein Diane, ich liebe dich.

Nein, ich nicht liebe dich.

Ich liebe Fräulein Diane.

Ich denke, Fräulein Diane liebe dich.

Eine ginger beer.

Ich habe nicht Geld.

Nicht Geld?

Fünfzigpenstuck.

Danke. Hier.

Hast du ein Fünfzig von Noten?

Danke. Benny, kommst du hier?

Benny, kommst du hier?

Moment.

Kommst du hier?

No, ever so. Moment.

Was wollen Sie denn? Was brauchst du? Benny, ja, hier.

Du kannst haben diese schöne Breite. Silver, super, ben,

air, da klar, duck.

Oder diesen Schreck, muttig, kaputt, gut auf Papier.

Du kann hab einer oder oder.

Aber only einer.

Ich kann nicht haben, der Schwein. Nein. Ich brauch nicht, der Schwein. Ich will

nehmen, dieses Stück hier ist Silber. Es ist breit und schön und möglich und

glücklich und lustig. Ich will gibt dazu.

Oh, nein, Diane.

Aber ich rat nicht, ob ich dich da auch nicht so fassen kann.