Original subtitles

Thank you.

backside. That is what a lot of people say.

But I say if one comes to you in times of trouble, now be a friend and don't

turn him away.

And if he says he needs a thousand dollars, give him two or maybe three or

four. And for all his life, he will remember you, especially when he wants

more.

Of the poor man with no food in his kitchen. Some folks today are so darn

Why, they don't even have a pot to pitch in.

Friends, and I call you friends.

I know you're too well to call you ladies and gentlemen.

But everybody at some time in their life needs a helping hand.

Well, that poor old lady whose gas stove went out through the roof needs a

helping hand.

That poor woman who's so damn... ugly every time she goes to the supermarket,

they turn off the cameras.

She has tried every beauty product known to man.

Helena Rubinstein, Mary Quant, Elizabeth Arden, and she still looks like Max

Factor.

She'll need a helping hand.

And that poor boy who goes for the very first time in his life to a massage

parlor and finds out it's self -service.

the difference between putty and pate?

Oh, her windows fell out.

She needs a helping hand.

And that poor boy sitting in the waiting room of the hospital with his arm

wrapped in bandages and sticking out like that.

And he turns to the woman next to him and he says, I'll put my arm through a

plate glass window.

And she says, lucky for you, you had that bandage on.

He's going to need a helping hand.

And that poor man,

and his mother -in -law off at the station and he packeth the engines.

And he sits there in the saloon with both his arms in great thick bandages

all over his hands, his hands looking like two enormous white boxing gloves.

And he struggles to get that pint of beer up to his trembling lips.

But he persevered because he had courage and what needs?

pints of beer.

And when he'd finished, he stood up and he says, will you excuse

me?

I'll only be gone a minute or two or sixteen.

Well, you know as well as I do, that boy's going to need a helping hand.

Because that's when you find out who your real friends are.

Well, I think give that boy a hand. helping hand.

Go and hold the door open for her.

And that sassy little gal that hitchhiked right through this morning

them hot pants, trying to climb on the back of a truck. I tell you, them hot

pants of hers were so damn tight, I could hardly breathe.

All she needed was a helping hand.

I gave her one.

My case comes up on Thursday.

and all you wonderful people are joining, singing this beautiful song, a

hand, a helping hand. Everybody needs a helping hand.

his vitamin tonic every day. I can't think what he does with it if he doesn't

take it.

Hello?

Yes, I'd like to have an early call tomorrow morning.

And another one at 4 .30.

And another one at 5.

appreciation. What's this?

Iron bag?

A blatant iron bag?

You give them other girls a thousand pounds each.

Here, take this back.

I want the same as you give them other girls.

Certainly, my dear.

You gotta be the man I need, everything you do for me, so love me in the night.

You gotta be the man I need, everything you do for me, so love me in the night.

You gotta be the man I need, everything you do for me.

I mean, like they say, this native girl only wore 11 beads, and eight were

perspiration.

Or she never said she'd a glass eye, it came out in conversation.

Or her feet are so big she's to go to the crossroads to turn round.

Or she's so fat when standing up she looks like Cyril Smith does sitting

If you ask the soldier why he was born... One night when she was drunk,

said, was it cavalry, fat horse? He said, no, infantry, short bunk.

I think we joke about our body because we're a bit ashamed of it.

And, you know, I think the body would be improved if it was rearranged a bit.

I mean, like the ear. Would the ear lose all its charm located underneath the

arm?

Were not those moments still in, dear, spent whispering in a lady's ear?

And while sweet nothings were being said, God, you'd have somewhere to rest

head.

And if by chance you have a home near the flight path of an aerodrome, forget

the noise, ignore the riot. Just fold your arms and fall into quiet.

You want to listen to the radio, simply lift the arm like...

Or lift both arms for stereo.

The mouth. I think I'd put the mouth up there beneath your bonnet.

And you could swear and go... They'd not know who'd done it.

And if a Chinese couple meet, both bow their head, well, they could change

minds and kiss instead.

If you're late for work, don't mind that. Put your breakfast in your hat.

those two fingers there.

That way they could look anywhere.

Through a keyhole, behind a screen, see round corners, we are being seen.

See far off, see quite near, you could look in your own ear.

that gift here to see ourselves as other people.

The nose, I think I'd put the nose alongside one of the big toes.

Feet like to run, I know that's true, but you could let your nose run too.

The object of the nose is to smell, but some folks' feet do that as well.

There are some other parts.

I can't be too precise.

Though the parts concerned are very nice.

I think you know the ones I mean.

Oft talked about but seldom seen.

Well, you know, they would come to no harm situated in your palm.

Of course, in public you'd have to wear a glove.

even out with the one you love, except, of course, in Saint -Tropez.

There you take off your glove, tuck it away.

Lie there in the sand, all hot, showing everything you've done.

Meeting folk from many lands.

Think of the joy of shaking hands.

Well, there it is. That's my wee plan, the science and truth of the world, man.

If this plan was implemented, I think we'd go far.

On second thoughts, leave things just the way they are.

George?

George!

Yeah, George, you awake?

I am!

is it then? Oh, don't get cross.

It's not your mother, is it?

Your mother's not coming round. Don't say your mother's coming for God's sake.

Well, what is it then? Tell me, what is it? Now, don't get worked up. Remember

what the doctor told you.

It's not the car, is it? You haven't smashed up a car again.

Well, what is it? God, what have you done this time? Tell me what it is. Tell

what it is!

No. No, you're right.

I'll tell you in the morning.

Otherwise, I'll only lie awake all night worrying about it.

Thank you.

But someone...

issues no no you're supposed to take them out of the box

Cleopatra, Cleopatra, what have you done?

Come on, put something into it.

Cleopatra, Cleopatra, deep breath.

What have you done?

I'll try.

Deep breath.

Cleopatra, Cleopatra, what have you done?

isn't he? I am Munduno Besani Karibu.

Do not worry. We will help you. We will show you how to

do jetty and fuete.

And first position.

But why are you talking to me like this? I understand English terribly well.

We wasn't talking to you, love. We were talking to Wayne.

We were...

That new dance teacher said I gotta put a clean pair of socks on every time I

come to class.

Well, what's wrong with that?

Well, I can't get me blingy shoes on.

Primavera.

Primavera.

Van der Lee!

Van der Lee!

From the rain, from the rain, from the rain.

I'm myself a mischief.

much for being with us. You've been a super audience and we look forward to

seeing you all again very, very soon. And until... That's very rude.

What? Oh, two minutes.

Two minutes under.

We can't be too... We've never... Excuse us. We've never been too... Two minutes

under. Yeah. Yeah. Yes.

What was the pillow say up there?

Get on with it.

Oh, does it? Get on with it.

This week... I get the blame for this one. I always get the

blame for this.

Had a very mild winter, hasn't we?

The scenery falls down. I get blamed for it. I do.

After the last show, the Daily Telegraph... Or was it the Melody Maker?

I get them muddled up. One or the other. Said that this show was full of...

I always thought they were Italian suppositories.

And they blame me for it.

They said some of the girls' dresses were cut low enough to make a baby cry.

I don't design the dresses. It's nothing to do with me.

It's him up there.

Director. He couldn't direct.

traffic.

I said, do we have to have girls running around half -naked in all the shows?

He said, well, I look at it like this.

I'm not against half -naked girls.

Not as often as I'd like to be.

But you see, it reflects upon me. Somebody I haven't seen for ages the

day, he said, Ben, I bet when that show's over, you and them birds are at

like knives.

Me, Simon Pureheart.

He said, I bet you get plenty of Obie Joyful, eh, Ben? Plenty of Obie Joyful?

I haven't had any Obie Joyful since... What's the time now?

Not since four o 'clock.

January the 2nd.

1979.

It's an illusion, you see. Show business, it's all a big illusion.

I mean, the girls on the show, teenagers, yeah?

Early 20s?

It's all polyfilla.

One of our girls is worried sick about her son getting bullied by the prefects

at his university.

I said, why don't you take him away? She said, I can't, he's the headmaster.

It's an illusion.

See, this, this is not the real me. God, you pass. to be in Tesco's, you

wouldn't recognise me.

I wear high heels, nylon spender belt.

I'm kidding.

I hope I'm kidding.

And this, it's all make -up. This is not a suntan. I mean, this is make -up.

Under this, I'm as white as a sheet.

I said to my doctor, how do I stand? He said, it's a miracle.

He said, you've got to start taking things easy.

He said, otherwise I could go like that.

He said, I could go tomorrow.

I hope I do go tomorrow.

I haven't been today yet.

Oh, we're all right, are we, now? We've made it up. Oh, jolly good. Well, ladies

and gentlemen, thank you for being with us. We'll see you all very soon. Till

then, bye -bye. Take care.