Original subtitles

Now, then, these pains that you complain of, be honest, they're all in your

head, aren't they?

Well, think of them in love.

I must say, it was very good of you to agree to go Dutch this evening.

You don't mind going Dutch?

No, not at all. I've never eaten Dutch food before.

come home for the summer.

Oh, and I'm gonna have me some fun.

Tell us about all the people you've met and all of the things that you've done.

Now one day I thought in Girona by a river so quiet and remote there were

lovely girls from the college and they were all in the same boat.

But as they rode in unison by me, I gallantly raised my hat and I said with

sigh, I wish that I could stroll the crew just like that. But I'm glad I've

home for the summer.

Oh, and bird watching's gonna be fun.

I'm glad I've come home for the summer.

Now, the mate, the mate, the mate.

Now, the guy from Concord once ordered a steak weighing nine and a quarter

pounds. The good three said, will you take it, ma 'am, or shall I send it

She said, no, I just want to look at it, because I've been dieting like a chump,

and that's what I've lost. I just want to see what it looks like in one look.

Now,

Hannah from

Hamburg had four sets of twins. A journalist paid her a call.

Always did twins every time. She said, sometimes we get nothing at all.

My husband, he named the last set of twins.

He called them Rudolph and Adolph. If I get any more, I shall name them myself.

And I'll call them Get Off and Stay Off.

You'll get to be home on the summer.

To see the girl I adore.

Now when I marry my lovely Maria.

Maria? I'll be happy forevermore.

the feeling that something's wrong?

Jed. Yeah? You can't marry Maria.

I can't marry Maria?

In heaven's name, why not?

Why can't I marry

Maria? Oh, Jed.

promise to another man?

Look, I bought a ring and everything.

Look, here's a place to put a stone, too. Look, ain't it funny?

But Jed, she's got Herbie's.

She has got what?

She's got Herbie's ring.

stole my gown, did you, you horse thief?

I'll have you know she's mine.

Not now, he ain't. Hey, don't I get any say in all this?

Now, hush up, woman.

But I've got a perfect right.

You've got a perfect left.

But that's got nothing to do with it.

Why don't you fight for her?

Just to make it interesting.

and we got the bridge.

saw the advent of Breakfast TV, TV AM, Channel 4, the video booth.

And now we await nationwide cable TV.

Now, who are the men responsible for the

production of their programs?

One of Britain's... One of Britain's newest production companies.

This company is called Scuttlevision.

And I am hoping to talk with the man behind it all, Fred Scuttle.

Good evening, viewers, and welcome to Scuttlevision, the company which

brings you our quality programme.

What fighting project are you working on now?

At the moment, sir, our new defective series, Columbo Jack.

Columbo Jack? Columbo Jack. It's a cross between Columbo and Kojak.

Does he suck lollipops? Or wear dirty raincoats? He sucks dirty raincoats.

And his glamorous assistant, Bo Entwistle.

Forty -six.

Nineteen. But nothing will grow in the day, sir.

Anyway, you see, you can tell by his physique that he's from our health for

program.

A keep fit program? It's called Fighting Fit and Fit to Fight.

And it's hosted by none other than the brown bomber himself, St. Bruno.

St. Bruno?

St. Bruno, the boxer, sir, yeah.

St. Bruno is a tobacco.

You mean Frank Bruno.

He's not a saint.

Are you going to tell him?

I'd need our physio -terrorists.

Yeah, yeah.

Physio... Physio -terrorists. We've got three on the show, sir, actually.

Therapists. Not all of them, sir.

Not all the time.

The camera crew, yes.

But not them, sir. And then, of course, you'll want to hear about our drama

series. Our blockbuster drama series we've got, sir. But how can you compete

with a...

Big American production companies who give us blockbusters like Flamingo Road,

Dynasty, or Dallas.

Well, I've seen Flamingo Road.

And Dinerot.

And that Falcon Crest.

And this.

And I've seen their nuts landing.

and dull ass.

But you haven't seen our Darlington. That is the Darlington hotbed of

Yes, yes.

They've got their doings. And I've got my doings.

The doings of Darlington.

Well, what do you have to replace tough JR?

Sweet FA.

Sweet Fred Ackroyd, a shy and sensitive used car salesman,

opens up the picture, sir. He's walking all by himself across a moor, sir, and

he passes a bog.

He looks down at the bog, sir, and he sees a ten -gallon hat.

He picks it up, and underneath is a ten -gallon head.

He says, how long have you been there? And the head says, I've been here for

four hours, and thank you for picking up my hat.

Well, the first one who hasn't kicked it.

And he says, are you all right down there? He said, yes, it's all right. I'm

fine. I'm standing on the wife's shoulder.

Now, it transpires, sir, that this chap, sir, is an American army man.

millionaire. And he's wealthy.

Oh, he's rich beyond the dreams of Arrowroot, sir.

He owns his own island, sir. He's got an island just off the coast of Spain,

sir. One of that little group there, you know, Mallorca, Midorca and all that

little lot there. He owns an island.

The lyrics.

It's true, sir.

He owns his own island, he does, sir, yes.

But you see, he confides in trade, you see, and he tells him that he has

invented the ultimate weapon.

He says it destroys people without...

disturbing the houses and the buildings, you see, sir.

And Fred says, we got that in England. It's called a mortgage.

You see, there's a little humicry thing, you see, sir. Not a lot, but... I must

say, that sounds quite banal. I might almost say soporific.

Oh, it's very kind of you to say that.

Listen, I think you're in for a treat. Hang on, I'll show you.

Philip, would you put the...

Put the cassette into the video.

Watch my lips. Put the cassette into the video.

What do you mean?

What's that?

Oh, left it behind.

I'm going to play about it.

in this gutter here, are you, sir?

In that gutter over there.

Have a tea about half past nine?

The British gentlemen and ladies men, who have come here all the way from

London, from Edgwarestrasse, Tellwasser,

Gildersgroin, and Marble Arch, we

wish you a good body every evening.

And oh boy, have we got a show for you tonight!

Have we got a show for you tonight!

Have we got a show for you tonight!

Two beautiful ladies who really scintillate. Sometimes till ten.

Here with John John are Louise and Erika in an attempt fantasy.

You are too beautiful, my dear, to be true.

And I am too drunk with you.

I have this feeling that my arms that hold you really caress you

too.

You are too beautiful for one man alone, for one lucky fool to

be with.

When there are other men with eyes of their own.

Love cannot stand sharing.

Not if one cares.

You won't be comparing.

My every kiss with her.

You know I care and I'll be faithful and true. It's not the same.

You are too beautiful and I am too proud.

effort goes

See the happy Sturgeonly, extra caviar.

Well, the octopuses group each other sometimes, they go too far.

But the soul eats only once a year, then sleeps back in his hole.

Which gives rise to the expression, poor old soul.

Here's a little anecdote that's really rather rude.

You've seen some chaps in Brighton go twing in the news.

There's one old chap popped up and down, I heard a passing...

Say, goodness, will you look at what they're using now for bait.

Laying on the ocean bed. Laying by the sea.

We all need a happy life swimming in the sea.

joke is so funny it makes your boobies fall off.

Oh, you heard it already.

There is an English doom cop staying at a hotel in Germany and in the morning he

complains to the manager and he says, I can't sleep in this hotel.

And the manager says, why not? He says, because the train's going past.

All night long he says, the train's going past and I can't sleep. And the

manager says, you are a doom cop.

The railway line is miles away. The hotel is here. The railway line is over

there. How can you? Oh, I think I understand.

You see, we here in Germany, we are, We are rebuilding very, very fast. We build

houses all the time. And the workers are very, very sincere workers. And they

work through the day and they work through the night as well.

And what you think you hear is trains. It's not trains at all. It is very

builders passing bricks to one another and saying, Bitteschön, Dankeschön,

Bitteschön, Dankeschön.

gives them a big round of...

be comfortable.

Thank you.

with black hat, black shirt, and big tie, but he's a black man. He is thought

be Fingers McNee.

thank you

Everybody drink.

Yeah, that's right.

Thank God for that. I thought I'd lost it.