Original subtitles

I haven't forgotten you.

Oh, she loves her whiskies. She does, my kitty.

Oh, she does.

I love her whiskies.

Are they kitty? You love whiskies, don't you?

Oh, not often.

It's the Penny Hill Show.

And here is the man in belt, Penny Hill.

Now here on Paradise Island the sun shines every day.

The girls are dressed to express themselves but they don't have a lot to

But the flowers that bloom on our island are part of our national wealth.

We've got a sweet pea with a kidney bean and got a plant that waters itself.

Now the band that plays at our nightclub is always a bit off key.

It's the only band I know where the drummer carries the melody.

Well, it's Friday night stuff. Amber appears. Her dancing is a sensation.

She only wears 12 tees and eight of those are beads of perspiration.

You can have any meal that your heart desires. I hold, Mr. Ross. These sweet

sour waitresses will get you anything that you want.

A tourist ordered a rhinoceros sandwich.

Just a moment, the waitress said.

She returned to say you're out of luck today because we've just run out of

bread. There's a wild old cup from the old wild boar. You think that's got us

the floor, but it's the furniture from the night before.

Here I'll have the night style.

And I'll speak English to Pete at the drugstore. And he won't know what you

mean. If you tell him you've got a dull pain, he will sell you a bottle of

window lean.

At his army medical, they make him fit. He had to take off the lock. Then the

doctor said, coffee. Thought he said, off and passed out right there on the

spot.

Go, come to Paradise Island for a holiday you won't forget.

There's fishing or tennis, but you can't do both, because we only have the one

net. But you'll live on Paradise Island like you never lived before.

There's pants for the kids and there's songs for the wife and sharks for the

mother -in -law. They pounce with health and vitality.

They're full of limb and vitamin D. We had to choose a guy to start a cemetery

here in paradise.

He's so very nice. Just a bitch spy. She must have surprise. Here on Paradise

Island!

Is he hampering any better?

I told you to have him shoved.

Waiter. How about a spot of sauce for my duck?

Sir.

Oh, my word, you are a stupid -looking duck, aren't you, eh? You don't look

too great.

In fact, I go so far as to say you look positively doolally.

Is that enough, sir?

That'll do fine. Thank you.

Sure.

Now, sir, this vehicle you've misled, you say it's a red, a bright red, and

there was a ladder on the top.

You were... Sorry, sir.

Hi there, Jake.

Hi there, Doc.

How's your sick calf?

Did you give him the pint of castor oil like I told you?

Sick calf?

Shoot, I didn't tell you I got a sick calf. I told you I got a sick...

he was with five of his friends.

Two of them was digging holes, two of them was filling them in, and the other

two was out looking for fresh territory.

We've not done terribly well, have we?

We're no exactly la creme de la creme, are we?

Name four fruits that begin with the letter N.

An apple,

an onion and a nana.

What is a Hebrew? A male tea bag.

Where is the hottest part of the sun?

Page three.

Righto then, listen for your names.

Righto.

Righto.

Oh, you're having a wee dose, were you?

What's that?

You assumed I knew you were there.

Never assume, boy.

Never ever assume.

Because when you assume, you make an ass out of you and

me.

Pay attention.

Potter tea.

Potter pea.

Honey bee.

Little Willie.

Large Richard.

Steel helmet.

L -E -P -U.

Flower, N -N -M -E.

Monkhouse, P -F.

Monkhouse, O -L.

Monkhouse, Y.

Accrington, Stanley.

Are you a heathen, boy, are you? Are you a heathen?

There were five disciples.

They were called Matthew, Mark, Olivia, Newton, John.

You could tell Moses was sick by the size of the tablet.

Who was unhappy at the return of the prodigal son, the fatted calf?

You're not going to become an atheist, are you, boy?

Don't become an atheist. They get no holidays.

Right, pay attention. Golly gee.

Former pew.

Worthington E.

Ham NX.

North E.

Gatville.

Little John Thomas.

Glass I.

Car Ted.

The voice whose names I've called, what I want you to do, when I blow the

whistle, knock the door, to go quietly to the dining hall and see Mrs.

Ramsbottom. And when you've seen it, get ready for Jim.

The remainder... Sweet

William.

Sweet P.

Sweet F .A.

Anyone else?

Mustapha P.

You can stay in and fill up the inkwells.

Right, off you go.

a little service.

Then go to a riddle church.

Which one of you two want to have the haggis?

I do.

Then you must be the egg on a toast, yeah?

Hey, Jimmy, no egg on toast.

Rose on toast.

You don't want an egg on a toast?

You want a rose on a toast?

Get up!

I have a complaint.

Then go see a doctor.

This spaghetti isn't cooked.

You can't eat a bloody chopstick.

What's he say?

He seems to be saying... It means, help me, I can't swim.

French, you know.

French, eh?

You thought his parents would have taught him to swim before they taught

speak French, didn't you? To what?

Help!

I can't swim!

I can't swim!

I can't swim!

Well, I can't play the bloody Japanese ghost.

I don't go on the party.

My name's George.

That's funny. So is mine.

It's your lovely smile.

This is 36, 24, 36 pieces.

Oh, it's for you.

Thank you very much.

Hello, darling.

Oh, no, no, no. I said I'd be home after seven.

But I've only had six up to now.

Well, that's a bit wrong, isn't it?

Oh, she says, uh -oh.

I keep wasting too much time in bars, but I'm drinking as fast as I

bloody well can.

I promise you a single soul and you're married.

I don't want anyone to hear this.

Not you, mister.

They've got call girls in this hotel.

Where?

Upstairs in the Nook Crackers.

They play call girl roulette up there.

You get the choice of six call girls.

Only one of them's writing the book.

It's just a phone, it's out of order. Yeah, that's enough.

single -handed. Aye, I did.

Wasn't that a bit risky?

Shooting it? No.

Getting it out of the zoo afterwards.

Long ago in Dimpton Town, to its eternal shame, there lived a wicked lord, Jack

Daniels, is his name.

He ruled the streets by terror, and he ruled the town by force. But charity and

righteousness means easy ends, of course.

a good clean living guy the wickedness and sin he saw it nearly made him cry he

said this town sure needs some help and so I'll stick around till I've done what

I do best till I've cleaned up this town cleaned up this town

But a resident of Cornwall County, that Friday the 13th was a day just like any

other day.

The residents of Cornwall County, well, they sort of got a thick thing.

But there sure as hell ain't no sign of the other five.

And they could smell or feel or whatever, but there was a whole lot of

brewing.

Boom.

Some said the wardens was to blame. Others reckoned it was the cleaners who

started it. But like all wars, it began with just a little difference of

opinion. And it just growed and growed.

Wall County, love conquers all.

And for every man, there's a woman.

Well, all men can't do that.

And I was married his meter maid, and they lived happily ever after.

Once more, peace and tranquility have come to Dimpton Town.

That's bad news for any unsuspecting motorist around.

For the meter maid and the cleaning...

And a job is fun and it's well done when it is done with love.

When it's done with love. It's done with love.

It's done with love.

With love.

I'm sorry to keep you waiting, but I can't make up my mind between the soul

manoeuvre... The scallop veal, the dark laurant, or the beef stroganoff. Why

don't you come back on Friday and have rissole?

Then you're going to get a beef.

That'll be okay, sir.

Yes.

Yes.

Mister, would you put your whip in my case?

Certainly, sir.

Special co -star, Dorothy Squire.

Also starring Liza Minnelli and Charles Aznavour.

Special guest stars, co -star, Moira Anderson.

Fred Marshall.

With special guest stars, special co -stars,

Milligan and Nesbitt.

With Patrick Wayne.

Andre Tahome.

featuring Lay Girl.

Here is your host, Patrick Lane.

I know all you folks out there in Matabele land, Titicaca, Baffin Island,

forgetting all our good friends out there in Yumchishumu.

Yes, the Monte Carpolic show is seen in places as far apart as Brighton and

Hull.

tonight on the Monte Carbolic show we have from Italy, Bendover and his

performing Goose.

From the world of pop, we bring you the incomparable sounds of Pony and Trap.

From Ireland, on the trapeze, we bring you the swinging bristles.

And from the world of opera, one of the world's greatest bass baritones, Ellie

Mae Druitt.

we bring you the ace yodeler, Jock Trapp.

And for lovers of the ballet, we bring you the incomparable Marina and her

disappearing cockatoo.

Yes, we bring you the greatest entertainers in the world

who come here to bring you the greatest entertainment in the world here on the

Monty Carbolic Show.

You shot the cook?

No, I didn't shoot him.

I was taking a picture of Telly Savalas with my camera.

Ah, Kojak.

No, Polaroid.

When he lost his shorts and he came off the wrong way, and I left him unsaved

him. What for?

I thought he had split his head open.

And then I saw the flesh of his head from being attacked.

How? I kept my hands to myself.

Well, here's something far too good for us to keep to ourselves. From Germany...

The Black Theatre Company.

Ladies and gentlemen, here he is, uh,

Teddy Rogers!

First time that we kissed, my heart went thud.

It was like a mouth full of nothing, but it tasted just like heaven.

Sounded like a cow pulling its foot out of the mud.

Well, I helped her bake the pudding, and it was finger -licking good, and I

thought maybe someday she'd become my wife.

She hollered from the kitchen, Kenny, would you trust the chicken? Said, of

course I would, my darling, with my life.

I swear to God only. want to love you.

And I promise you that other men ain't bad.

But I don't mind playing second fiddle, my darling.

Just want to be in your band.

This oil man from the west, he sure as hell impressed my little shah, my little

sensitive way.

He said I've so many gold teeth that I sleep every night with my head in a

This $400 if you'll come with my darling to my motel was quite unexpected.

But she didn't fret and she wasn't upset. She just kept cool, calm, and

collected.

But I'm content to be the one you run to when you need someone to hold your

hand.

And I don't mind playing sick and sick with my darling.

Now this Englishman and this Aussie came in and started getting bossy. Then this

French guy says, hey, you come here.

Have you got frog legs? I said, oui.

He said, right, now let me see you hop over the bar and get me a glass of beer.

Then she walked through the door.

They just stood there in awe.

I'm sure they'd never seen a more beautiful sight.

The Australians said, by golly. The Englishman said, by George.

And the Frenchman said, by tomorrow night.

I need to have some male lovers.

It's something I will never understand.

I don't mind playing sick and fiddle all my dawn.

I just want to be in your bed.

He said, Kenny, you've got a friendly face.

And your heart's in the right place. It's a pity that the rest of you is not.

you love me or so I'm told. But would you love me if I got old?

Like a fool I said, if you got old or what?

She went off with George until she took the money from the till.

And goodbye was the only word she said.

I pray that she'll come back again. I haven't slept a week since then. Cause

when she went away, she took the bed.

But I learned to play love's violin when I was young.

And I've known many... lovely ladies in this land.

But till the day I die, I never will know why she never

once let me play in her band.

Ladies and gentlemen, once again we come to the end of yet another Monty

Carbullock show.

And so from us all, it's au revoir and... A bientot!