Original subtitles

I can't talk to you now.

It's my wedding night.

I'll ring you back in five minutes.

Yes, it's the Benny Hill show.

And here he is, the wedding boat, Benny Hill.

No,

Marie, it was a high -class gypsy.

She sold gold earrings from a stall.

Her mother had a cut glass eye.

Her father had a crystal ball.

But I took Maria to a fancy dress dance. It was a very swell affair.

All the girls had to wear a dress the same color as their escort's hair.

There was a commotion in the ballroom just after the dinner.

All the men wanted to dance with the girl who came in with Yul Brynner.

They all cried out, Maria Novotny.

What we want is Votny.

Hey!

Ach, du liebes Buddha.

Real brown bread and Buddha.

I'm going to show you what the wild goose goes.

Some girls are like African, serious and hot. And other girls are

like Paris with all the charm it's got. But Maria, she is like Tibet with all

its ice and snow there. Because everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to

go there.

Her teeth

were green and brown and yellow.

One of them was black as jet.

If only she'd have had a blue one, she'd have had a snooker set.

I waited to a phone box to try to get in touch with my lovely Maria, because I

love her so much. But a policeman came and turned me out. I still can hear him

yell. He went back into the phone box and he turned her out as well.

Dance!

I twirled. her

round the dance floor. She said, I hate the way you're doing it. I said, why?

She said, I've got a wooden leg and you're unscrewing it.

Standing on the cross -town bus, hanging by a strap, she let her hanky fall into

a sleeping old man's lap. Now he woke up, he looked down, he gave a sheepish

grin. He thought it was his shirt tail and he slightly tugged it in.

I saw her in her birthday suit swimming by the weir. She said, please go away,

but I pretended not to hear.

She said, if you don't go, I'll stay in here till it gets dark. I said, that's

all right by me. I only came to feed the shark.

We had a gypsy

wedding, but the caterers were monsters.

They blew up all... the prawns and shrimps to make them look like lobsters.

So she sucked herself with wedding cake and beer and fish and chips. I carried

her across the threshold. I had to take two trips.

She's ruined my poor life. She's gone back to her mother and now I'm going

to the wild.

Did you know?

Did you know that on the island of Bataan a bloke called Sukiyaki Dan don't

believe the war's over and goes on parade twice daily?

And did you know his mother comes from Ireland and his daddy's Japanese and

every year he goes and bobs Pearl Bailey?

Not a lot of people know that.

And did you know that when Egbert Nash thought he'd like a moustache, he went

straight out and bought a tin of Whiskers?

And did you know that the odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a

million to one, because they reckon near enough that's what the risk is?

And did you know that the odds against there being two bombs on a plane are a

million times a million to one?

So next time you go on board a plane to go abroad, cut down the risk.

Always take a bomb.

Not a lot of people know that.

But when I tell my wife these interesting facts, it's not as she

says they're privileged glimpses of the bleeding obvious.

Like I said, that bloke at number 22, his parrot died of flu.

It flew under a number 7 bus.

And she just says, I know, I know, I know.

I said, did you know Phil Kelly went out wearing one wellie when he heard there

was only going to be one foot of snow?

And did you know that nothing succeeds like a budgie with no teeth?

And she looks up and says, I know, I know.

She says, look, love, don't you see? All this don't interest me.

In fact, I find it positively boring.

I've been sitting here listening so long, my little bottom's gone to sleep.

I says, I know it has. I heard it snoring.

Not a lot. people know that i said you know what they call a dog who's got no

legs well it don't matter because he won't come anyway and did you know when

mate fred ordered a lager the barmaid said whip bread and he said i'll have

slices if i may and she just says i know i know i know i said i think that bloke

on his honeymoon next door must be a plumber because all night long he keeps

saying overflow

I says, roses are reddish and violets are bluish.

If it weren't for Christmas, we'd all be Jewish.

And she just says, I know, I know, I know.

I got my lorry backed up to the zoo.

Do you know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to pick up the elephant that died last week.

And me and some of my pals are going to take it around my house, winch it up to

the bathroom and stick it on the seat.

Then I'll go down and watch TV.

Because sharp at half past three, she'll come home and straight up see as she'll

go.

She'll say, Gordon, what are we going to do?

There's an elephant on our loo.

And I'll just say, I know, I know.

For the first time since its inception, the EEC student poetry competition has

been won by a pupil not yet eight years old.

Tell me, Gaston, where are you from?

I am coming from France, monsieur.

What part?

All of me.

Where is your school?

My school is the Gravelin Catholic School in France, but the priest, he

like me. No?

No. You see, he has taught us.

Oh, what did he teach you?

No, he have taught us.

We have taught us.

You've taught us? Yes, yes, but he don't let me play with him because he has a

bad feet. No, that's not your fault. No, and he like to play with me.

We play on the desk. We play racing cars and he likes that. And

the priest doesn't like it when I blow

sneezing powder over Angelique.

I like to do that. Why?

It makes her sneeze.

Where's the fun in that?

She keeps her handkerchief in her bloomer.

The Marshal! The Marshal!

But the priest is very nice sometimes because he gives me money. And he says,

when you go to London, you must go to the zoo. And you must go to the monkey

house and visit your brothers and sisters.

And what did you say to him?

Thank you, Father.

Did you go to the zoo? No, I have not even been to the bloody town.

Why not?

There wasn't bloody time.

I see my uncle here, and he have take me to the park to see the turpentine.

Serpentine. Yes.

Well, while I am there, I see a lot of pretty ladies sitting on the grass, and

can see their pink knickers.

See their... Pink knickers.

I can see they are pink knickers because they are having a pink knick.

Pink knick. Yes.

And I saw, I saw, I was not a thing. I was not a thing. You're what?

I was not a thing. Is this a girl?

Oh, don't you think?

Yes, yes. I think she was Elsie. Elsie who?

Not Elsie who.

Elsie. De bon santé.

Anyway, all the ladies were healthy, I think, because I could see they all had

big happy tits.

They had... Big happy tits.

Big happy tits.

Who? Big appetizers. Yes!

Did you speak to them? No, because I did not want to cockroach upon their

privilege.

Now, encroach.

You didn't want to encroach.

Oh, je suis trompé?

Ah, yes, you are right, yes. Yes, I must use a feminine hen.

I was using a masculine cock.

There are a lot of such, and they live very close to the park in Knight's

Bridge. And they live in beautiful, deluxe apartments.

A barracks.

It's true.

It is very nice. It is very close to Arabs.

Arabs. That's the same thing.

But... My uncle, my uncle, I buy me a nice new beret. He don't buy it at

He buy it at the C &A.

Because that stands for Costa Nats.

And he let me wear it when he took me to the pub.

I went to the pub and I had a shandy.

And I had a pickled union.

And I wanted some pepper.

Oh, black pepper, white pepper, cayenne pepper.

Writing pepper.

I wanted to write to my mother to tell her all about it, because it's very

They have a piano there, and it's just like the café concert that we have at

home. Beautiful, yes. And there was a man there, and he had a musical bum.

He had... He had a musical bum.

And he opened this musical bum.

Maybe it is a big horse.

Maybe it's a big horse.

Maybe it's because I am a Londoner.

Then we have a song dedicated to justice.

Justice? Yes, justice song at twilight.

These are the jokes.

Those were given to me by Jimmy Tarbuck.

And he was bloody glad to get rid of them, I tell you.

And I tell you, they were Frank Evans.

Oh, and what did Frank Evans say? Frank Evans didn't sing. The man sang Frank

Evans for a little girl.

And there was a German.

He spoke English?

He was English. He was an English German.

He had the armor.

Oh, a German.

Yes, and he was very angry because, you see, there was a big dog.

It was a great big poodle that he made on the floor.

And I say to the lady who has the dog, who's standing by the dog, I say, does

your dog bite? And she says, no. So I go to stroke him, and he jump on me, and

he knock my ass off the floor, and he numbs my ass. Oh, he chews your hat. No,

chew the hat at the CNA.

And then he bite me, and I say to the lady, I say, you said your dog didn't

bite? And she said, it's not my dog.

I was a very, you see, I thought she was Fiona.

Fiona who?

Fiona of the dog.

Anyway, Annie wrote up.

What happened was this.

I was angry not just of the dog, but for her manner. It was very, you know. It

was her attitude.

No, it was my attitude.

She was not very nice, you know. But we were all waiting for the paper.

Oh, writing paper, newspaper, and a note.

Try toilet.

Toilet paper?

No.

Bag. Oh, you were waiting for the paper bag?

No, for the bag paper.

He come along, he was a funny man, because he had this funny thing under

arm, and he was wearing a skirt, and he had a little furry thing on his lap.

That was a sport. Yeah, I didn't stroke it.

In case he bit me, you see.

And how long are you here for? Yeah, I'm going to stay.

For how long?

I just told you I'm going to stay. I'm going to stay.

Oh, excuse me.

Well,

England lost. France is lost.

A chic derrière.

That is French for a smartass.

Perhaps you would like to recite for us your prize -winning prayer.

Very well, monsieur.

It is called England.

The English are a funny lot. I learned that on this trip. They send the

by car, while a cargo goes by ship.

English men have 16 wives. It is in the wedding verse.

Four richer and four poorer, and four better and four worse.

The English bride, she likes the aisle, the altar, and the hymn.

Papa says that is what she's thinking.

I'll alter him.

My teacher said, I must not say pluff, I must say plow.

I was not feeling well that day. I had a hacking cow.

My teacher said, if you say psychology, it shows you are a fool because the P is

silent. I said, oh, like in swimming pool.

Think about it.

Bon, bon, bon, bon, bon. Et voilà.

I have been to the Chamber of Hards.

It is dark and strange and sinister.

I have been to Heathrow Airport, which was named after a former prime minister.

I like Heathrow the best of all, because there I get the chance to get aboard an

airplane and fly back home to France.

Ladies and gentlemen, here they are, Hillbangers!

What more?

We had our breakfast in bed and we had our lunch in bed. I think we ought to

up for our stay.

No, thank you.

From Hollywood, California, comes Wonder...

This week's episode, Wonder Grand meets Dr.

Jekyll and Mr.

Hyde.

Oh, oh.