Original subtitles

Yes, it's the Benny Hill Show. And here he is. And that is so Benny Hill.

Once I was happy.

Once I was gay.

Then I went off to fight the war.

Now I've been fighting for peace.

Now I'm home, I want a piece of what I've been fighting for.

I'm coming in.

I'm coming in.

I'm coming in in your heart.

When I get there, you'd better beware.

Swear that I'll never depart.

When I hold your hand, I swear by the soul of the foe.

Once you've been kissed, you won't resist the thrill and the wonder of

That's easy for you to say, Captain.

But can you tell me this?

That means different things to beautiful people.

I'll try to tell you what love means to me.

Love is just like a sword.

The more you send in the sweeter it grows.

The more you want to see the sweetest part.

That means you'll never part.

The least time that you pick a...

I thought you were going to drink with us.

Beating with the boys Suddenly doth I The

flashing And you don't know what to do

Love makes your heart sing.

He cut off his ear, didn't he?

Cut off his ear and sent it to his young lady, you see.

Why did he do that?

Well, you see, now I know.

He wanted to hear from her.

There were a funny lot of these artists after. I mean, for example, Rubens.

Johann Sebastian Rubens, sir.

I mean, you see, Rubens was born, and when he grew up, sir, you see, he

to paint lovely, luscious, well -rounded ladies barefoot all over.

Cigarist. He was a traditionalist. He was a dirty old man, to tell you the

truth.

Whereas, of course, the Rembrandt, sir, Anthony Wedgwood Rembrandt, he could

have fainted on clad ladies, but he preferred painted old men with beards.

what would you call him? A fillock.

Good evening.

I am speaking to you from the new leisure complex at Dimpton -on -Sea.

few British seaside resorts to offer package holidays.

And I have with me the amenities officer, Mr. Fred Scuttle. Good evening,

Good evening, viewers.

Happy holiday!

Mr. Scuttle. Yes. Your brochure advertised holidays at popular prices.

Could you give us an example of one of these popular prices?

Certainly, sir. One whole week of four -man song, £350.

Oh, I'd hardly call that a popular price. I like it, sir.

What would your holiday maker get for his money?

Sir, for a start, he would have a room of his own choice at the Hotel

Metropolis.

Any room he liked, sir. He could have the blue room, the green room, the pink

room, the magenta room, the yellow room, sir. They've got a lot of rooms.

They've got a lot of paint.

Would he get a private bathroom?

Well, either that or a balcony overlooking the sea.

We aim to please.

And we hope they reciprocate. When would be the best time to go?

Without a doubt, sir, during our summer carnival week. When's that? Last week in

November. It's marvellous, this singing, this dancing, this cabaret, sir, this

bingo. It goes on till half past eight some nights.

But afterwards, sir, you can retire to the horizontal bar where you get all the

latest modern drinks, sir. You can have a martini with a cherry in it, sir, a

martini with olive in it. If you like, you can have a pint with a pickled onion

in it, sir.

Could I get Cuba Libra in there? As a newt.

And, of course, don't forget, we have our lovely waxworks museum, sir, with

these historical characters, the Mary Queen of Scots, sir, we have, you see,

Nell Gwen, dressed exactly as they was in the days gone by, you see, sir. Tell

me, I've often wondered, do they wear anything under the dressing?

Well, I shouldn't really tell you that, sir.

As a matter of fact, they don't, sir, but there's only me and 500 American

sailors know about that.

And of course, sir, you've got, you know, Jack the Ripper. Jack the Ripper?

sir, Jack Tripper, sir.

That is him there, sir. He is our Andy man.

We call him Andy because he lives around the corner.

But you see, he's very helpful, sir. I mean, for a start, sir, he drives the

mystery coach to us, sir.

Before they go, they always have a bet as to where they're going to go, you

know. He hates it.

Why? He keeps losing, sir.

Oh, why is that? Well, we blindfold him, you see.

It's a real mystery tour.

He's not very keen, you know, sir.

He's half -hearted.

He

says

no, sir.

He's not.

Does he get the gratuities?

In the cold weather, yes.

In the hot weather. Sir, he's down on our Tantra Bay beach looking after it.

can clean everything. Tantra Bay? Yes.

Is there any nude bathing?

Oh, no, sir, no, we wouldn't have that, sir. You know, I mean, a lot of hundreds

of men running around stark as, sir, it's... Indecent.

Untidy, I would have said.

But I hear that this year, Brighton expects to get 500 topless sunbathers a

Well, if that ever happens, sir, it'll be a thousand pitties.

that, quite honestly, we cater to the family more, sir, like we have our

circus, sir, with Elsie, our acrobat. She can jump five feet straight up in

air, she can, sir.

Sexy to catch her, right?

Then, sir, we have our elephant.

Is it a car? It is sometimes, sir, yes.

Especially if they give it the wrong medicine or anything. I mean, if that

in the other way, he didn't know what to give it. He gave her half an hundred

weight of xenopods.

Now, what did you give it? Plenty of room.

And, of course, in the circus, because we've got five of our performing dogs,

sir. He's marvellous. He does the most spectacular somersaults you've ever seen

in your life. Oh, how many does he do?

Well, that depends, sir. On what? On how hard you kick him up the bum.

And also, sir, what we're having this year for the first time, our

television society do, sir.

International? International, with television shows from all over the world

coming. We've got some coming on up. Let's have a look.

I don't know.

Oh,

God.

Hmm.

NBG News, Dudley Badley reporting.

From across the nation today, reports have been coming in of the strange

behavior of many people's electrical appliances.

It seems almost as though these machines are revolting against their masters.

These reports have been coming in from as far afield as New York, Los Angeles,

and Denver, Colorado.

It would be great if one of these days they came home and I found the stove as

warm as the TV set. Wouldn't that be great?

Stoves don't work either.

How the hell would you know?

First time you seen it, you thought it was a new local player.

What are you dumping it for? The TV you dump, the stove you kick.

just draw with Absinthe.

Because Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.

Good

evening

and welcome to Women's Live Television.

And I see that at seven o 'clock we have the Kitty Everett show.

That naughty little co -op. That Mr. Harry Whitehouse.

We booked ours six months ago.

What about, uh... Oh, unfortunately, my dearly beloved has been passed on.

Couldn't one of your relatives have used it? No, they're all at the funeral.

R is for the way my sense is real.

E is for the ecstasy I feel.

E is for the way you turn me on.

Panos for on and on and on and on and on and on and on. L is for your lips

against my skin.

I for the restless food I mend.

A is for your touch that I adore.

But M is because I want you more and more and more and more and more. F is

the way my spirits rise.

O for a non -apprentice guy.

B is the contentment that I feel.

and cave for the knowledge that our love is real.

Put these letters together and they'll tell how I feel about you because they

fell.

Rats to rats to flicks.

Rats to rats to flicks.

Rats to rats to flicks. Rats to rats to flicks.

Rats to rats to flicks.

Friendship. Friendship.

Time once again for our musical quiz named That Tune.

Right away, we're going over to our first contestant. Now, you are Barney

Treader, and you were born just outside Wedlock.

No, outside Muffler.

And I see that you still live there with your loved one?

No, the wife.

Now, I believe you have a rather special pet name for your wife, have you? Yeah.

I call her Bubbles.

Why do you call her Bubbles? Because she never has a handkerchief.

Right, well, we wish you well and, you know, enjoy yourself. Enjoy yourself.

Have a good time. That's right. And what do you call the other one?

Right, now, let's get this straight now. You are very friendly. Vera friendly,

right? And you live in St. Albans. That's very suave, isn't it? St. Albans,

suave.

That's where they carry their fish and chips home in a briefcase, isn't it?

I went there once. It was shut.

Well, we want you to enjoy yourself and have a good time. You know, wish you

well and everything. Right. Now, you know the rules. What you've got to do is

take away the words from the board at the back here and leave the title of the

tune that Alan's going to play. OK?

OK? Right.

Pardon. Je ne comprends pas.

Je ne suis pas d 'Anglais.

French? Oui, monsieur.

Well, take the bloody words off the board.

Take, oh, the words, oh, off the board, oh.

Okay, oh.

Of the board.

Yeah, the board, yeah, but not that board, the other board.

Take it off the other board.

What's French for the other?

La moire.

I speak a little bit English.

Yeah, well, you just follow me, love, you'll be all right. Now, look.

What I want you to... No, no, no. I don't mean follow me. When I say follow

I don't mean follow me. I mean stand there and follow me.

Do you follow me?

No, you don't. You don't.

In a minute, I'm going to say turn around. Now, when I say turn around,

you have to do? Walk up to what you're for.

That's not fair. She's turned around already.

And she's having a good look.

She's not the only one, I tell you.

She's cheating.

I can see right through her. You're missing the best part, I tell you.

Stand by. Stand by.

right turn around turn around walk forward to your board right thank you

you've won it you've got it right well done love

well done i can't get these words off

they're stuck on what have you said to that

we come to what we call melody roulette, you see.

And... Right.

Now, I say, can Vera come out to play?

Right.

Now, when you recognise the tune, you must press the buzzer, right? Press on

buzzer, oh, the second that you recognise the tune. Right.

Someday I wonder where you are I saw you in a motor car But over there in

both... We haven't started yet.

Right. Now then, for £1 .20, name back to you.

The Cabra song.

No, I'm sorry. I'll have to give it to Vera. Any ideas, Vera?

After the ball.

a lovely bunch of coconuts.

You're boasting again, are you?

Right, no, that was, of course, Colonel Bogie. Now then, for...

For

100 pounds, name that tune.

And you're right. Well done.

And now...

the hundred pounds, name that tune.

La Vie en Rose.

You're right again, love. Well done, well done.

Right.

Where do you keep paying fans to change all the time?

I'll wait till night and understand.

All right, then. Four hundred pounds, name that tune.

You have won five pounds. Well done.

Oh, no, I haven't.

Very good, I've won.

And I want that one.

Now.

You want the one pound?

You can have it. That's what you want.

Give it a good spin this time.

Now, if you think you know the tune, you say, I name that tune in one.

Or anything up to seven, you say. I name that tune in one. Not yet, love. Stand

by, love. Right, here we are then.

This 30s song illustrates the puzzle of love.

I name that tune in one. And here is your one note.

Well, if you don't know it, why do you keep on trying to say you can name it in

one? I don't know why, but I do.

You need this old son. Now, why do you keep scratching yourself?

Because I'm the only one that knows where the edge is.

It was sung by Dean Martin and could have been called soft in the egg.

And then that children won.

Right. It was sung by Fred Martin. No, no. You said Dean Martin.

Who was Dean of St. Paul's.

In the end, here's your one note.

Gentlemen, my men.

No, what kind of fool am I? Sorry.

Sang it at all the school concerts he did right now, Vera. Anne Murray made a

mint from this garden.

I knew that tune in one.

And here is your one note.

Scranoribus Coriopticalio.

I beg your pardon?

need this old song, really. Wish you well, wish you well. Everything will be

fine. Right, now then. This song reminds us of a monkey on a fast train.

I did not dream one.

Right, and here is your one note.

How about a honeymoon?

No, I'm dreaming of a white Christmas.

Sorry. Hey, that's got nothing to do with it. Where does a train come in?

King's Cross.

I'm not about to monkey.

That's where you come in.

That's exactly where you go out. But you don't go empty -handed. I mean, you

have your two pounds and seven pence, and you have this beautiful... Oh, look,

hold it the right way up.

You have this beautiful chromium -plated, guaranteed for three years,

unbreakable, indispensable, and it's battery -operated, and there you have

speeds on it and everything. And there you have many years... Don't worry, yes,

you'll have... Right. Isn't he a lovely competitor? Wasn't he lovely? Great.

Great. Right you are.

Now, look.

Now,

then.

We come to what we call the golden medley time, and we wish you lots of

love. I mean, you've got to name 40 tunes in three minutes, you see.

And if you get them all right, you're on your way to winning 1 ,000 pounds, eh?

Have you any idea of what you might do if you won 1 ,000 pounds?

Uh, holiday, Riviera.

I take nice Englishman, son of a beach.

A what?

Son of a beach.

Sun over the beach. Oh, sorry.

Shall I know deep?

Oh, yeah.

We would be naked.

I'm sure I would for the start.

Two weeks. Yeah, two weeks would do anything. Anyway, look, we wish you

But as I said, you know, first of all, you have to guess three tunes in 40

minutes.

You don't forget to press your button. So here we go.

Tune number one, can you name that tune?

A tune!

What tune?

That tune is quite well done. Now then, we come to tune number two.

I didn't want to do it! I didn't want to do it!

Well done, love, that's great. Well, that's super. Now, you'll jolly soon be

the beach with me. I mean, down there in San Francisco.

Oh, great. Lovely, you know. And I must say, I do like that dress you're

wearing. Particularly your Parisienne derriere.

That's great, that is. Right you are.

Here we are. Tune number three. Name that tune.

It looks a lot better than my... London derriere.

The London derriere.

Well, when you find love, isn't that super love? That's great there. And here

you are. There's your check. And tell me, have you decided to... Who the young

man is going to be who's going to accompany you down the almost out the

eh? Someone who has helped me? Yeah.

You scratch my back, eh? Yeah, not a hard life, but yeah. Come along, Barney.

Let's go and get ourselves a stiff drink. That wasn't so bad after all, was

So good, they made it twice.

Go Senor, go!

I love it. New York, New York.

to go chillin'.

match of the day. Hello, love.

Forget about the results at six o 'clock.

Don't tell me, darling. Don't tell me. But I know the result.

Don't care, darling. I don't want to hear it. Don't tell me, love. But I know

the result.

Please, darling. Please don't tell me the result, darling.

All right. If you want to watch it, you sit and watch it.

But you won't see any goals.

I'll have some of this caviar.

Yeah, double l -pin.

And peasant. Ooh.

the glass and uh patted a false grass and a spirit gas and wild strawberries

uh two bottles of your best champagne tell me my dear do you do you eat as

as this at home oh no but no one there don't want to sleep with me do they

stuck up cow you should have heard her

my husband works the inland revenue she says

My husband's an income tax inspector, she says.

My husband earns 100 quid a week, she says.

Well, I soon told her.

I said, my husband earns more than that in his spare time.

Here's something to make you feel better.

What's that?

It's night nurse.

It's what?

Your night nurse will ease away that nasty pent -up feeling, help you get a

night's sleep.

I'm not interested in running like that.

You'll wake refreshed.

I don't want bloody diabetes!

Well, you know best.

Sorry, love.

From Paris, France, Europe, we present

the three musketeers.

I have a message for you. They have captured the king!

IW9. Are you still there?

This week's happy thought.

queen.

And all because the lady liked milk chocolate.

Thank you.