Original subtitles

It's the Benny Hill Show, and here he is, the lad in coat, Benny Hill.

The men who inhabited the town of St. Cowan are a rough and unscrupulous mob.

Once we put up a notice, man wanted for murder, and 16 applied for the job.

Into this.

living hell, come Eskimo now, with a bright smile for each lumberjack.

I won't say she's cross -eyed, but each time she cried, the tears used to run

down her back.

The chef she once loved had been taken above, for one night as they lay by a

hedge, along came his wife with a long -handled knife, and she cut off his meat

and two veg.

She liked a few laughs.

She played Ludo and Draft, and even indulged in some streaking. But we never

found out if she'd varicose veins or a fountain pen had started leaking.

Jake was up at the bar. He was drinking Campari.

When Eskimo Nell wandered in, but he nearly died of fright when she said,

Mind the light.

And she ended up soaked to the skin.

To add to her discomfort, the man eating a crumpet dropped dripping all over her

knee.

She said, Heaven's above. And he said, I know, love, but I've got to get back to

meeting.

her a grin and he bought her a gin and as she sat on her bar stool with it he

said I've been told that you're hard and you're cold she said so's dynamite till

you fall with it that tickled old Jake and he bought her a steak which she

promptly had set in a ring next day Jake married Nell But the cocky hotel clerk

said, we're full up, we're having a thing.

But Jake, he was smarter.

He said, if President Carter came, you'd jolly soon find him a bed. He said, of

course we would. He said, well, that's good. He's not coming. We'll have it

instead.

Jake took the coming home late. Just four pints with me, mate. He'd say,

I'm that little elf.

One night, Nell found a note. And on it was wrote, I love you, Jake.

Signed, little elf.

Jake was took very ill.

As he made it his will, he said, I've been unfaithful, my dear, with Jean,

Annie, and Flo, and Nell said, I know, and that's why I poisoned your beer.

At the funeral of the vicar, I'd drunk so much liquor, look, he could hardly

what he was reading.

And what's even worse, the bloke driving the earth was fined $50 for speeding.

Well, the judge knocked up Nell. Knocked up Nell!

She's all alone in that cell, but some nights, when I'm at your own guard, I

think of her there, in that cell, cold and bare, for to live all alone's awful

art. It's like a rose without rain, like a creature in pain.

To live without love is a sin.

It's sad, but it's true.

What can I do? She got the key and she won't let me in!

And who am I to interfere with thee

when it please?

Who can say I'm a man and I kiss

him when I can?

I'm warning you. You do that one more time and I'll call the police.

You never heard of candid camera?

Here, wait for your mum. Wait for your mum.

Give her the kiss for mum.

And your dad.

And your brother.

Oh, my dear.

Say, are you a director from Camden, Canberra?

No, I'm a dustman from Camden Council.

I tell you now, I don't get nothing, do I?

Please, we're made to love and kiss.

We're in your arms.

Kiss me, dear, and when I know... Test him! Have you heard of candid camera?

Now

we

join the criminal party for their most important night of the year.

Here in the foyer of the Eureka Hotel are gathered many of the country's top

criminals. All anxiously waiting to see who is going to win this much coveted

award, which is the statue of a beaten copper.

In beaten copper.

How do the police feel about the giving of awards to criminals?

With me, Sergeant Fred Scuttle.

What's your answer to all this?

Piffle.

It is full of piff.

It is the transvestite of justice.

I tell you, listen, that fellow that got bashed in the face in his own garden

last night, he didn't tend for this lot, did he? He tended for us.

And look what happened to me.

I got there.

You were attacked by the same assailant? No, I trod on the same rake.

I'm beginning to think there aren't any honest people left, sir. I mean,

nowadays, if you see a fresh -faced country girl with a straw in her mouth,

chances are she's siphoning petrol.

And look at some of those publicans who overcharge.

They ought to be beyond bars.

And you get some of these fellas in court, the excuses they'll give you,

Me, sir, me steal a car? No, sir, it was parked outside the cemetery gates and I

thought the owner was dead.

a copper. They say, no, sir, I was cleaning me nails with a bread knife and

ran onto it.

Seventeen times.

Backwards.

Well, what chance? And they'll have you for wrongful arrest if you're not

careful, you know, sir. I saw this girl the other day. I was 99 % sure I saw her

nick those two melons and stuff them up her jumper.

But not completely sure, you see, sir.

So I approached her with my ballpoint in my hand.

It was then, sir, that I discovered that she was French. She didn't speak

English, I didn't speak French.

I had to explain in mine what I was after.

And I'm no Marcel Marceau, sir.

Well, it was a great palaver, I can tell you, sir.

Was an arrest finally made? Oh, yes, yes. What happened? I got off.

I pleaded insanity.

I said I was mad about melons.

I'd better mingle, sir, otherwise I'll be out pounding the beach. Excuse me,

sir. I say, here you go.

Have you gone?

Oh, yes.

I'll tell you something. Ever since my ex -husband's been inside, those

they've been hounding me. They have hounding me.

I mean, why should I help them with their inquiries?

They never helped him with his robbery, did they?

Now they're sending him to a prison without bars.

And he does love a drink, you know.

Your ex -husband?

Yeah, well, I mean, the day he was sentenced, I gave him his freedom.

Not only that, since he's been inside, he's met someone else.

He's very happy in there. I mean, the screws call him by his first three

numbers, which is nice, you know.

Do you know what one copper said to me the other day? He said, I'm booking you

for an immoral act. Me? I said, when?

He said, how about next Friday?

Oh, yes. Hello, Chief Inspector.

How are you? All right? You have to forgive me. One drink and I really feel

Two drinks and anybody can feel it.

They appear to be about to make the presentation.

Let's go inside.

Mail for all.

Lay about and jelly men.

Pray silence for your Godfather.

Thumb for a tool.

GBH and Bob.

First of all, we should remember absent friends.

Two -Ton Tingle, No -Nose Watson, Lefty Arkwright, Basher Bates, Bushelette

O'Malley and Peg Leg Johnson.

Six of the nicest gals ever to be asked in Holloway.

We was going to have a big cake and a lovely nude showgirl jump out of it, but

unfortunately when we took it out of the oven, she didn't look any too good.

So we dropped the idea and are into the Thames.

Now a subject near and dear to our hearts, police brutality.

In particular, the matter of that copper breaking free of Bomber Smith's fingers

with his ribs.

I know who the sadistic swine is because I've got his ear in my pocket.

On the lighter side, this profession of ours has been officially declared

Britain's fastest growing industry.

Britain's only growing industry.

So we should be in line for the Queen's Award.

If they don't give us one, we nick it.

Now, I know you'll be pleased to know that our founder, Buster Benson, has

it. I got a card from him in Brazil. He says it is all thanks to our friendly

plastic surgeon, Mac the Knife.

who not only got him through Heathrow but made him look 20 years younger.

He said he'd done this by cutting a little hole in his scalp and pulling all

loose skin up till it was tight and then tying a knot in it so as it shouldn't

slip back.

He said there are only three drawbacks.

One is I can't go anywhere without a hat on.

The second drawback is I've got a little hole in the middle of my forehead.

I tell people it is a bullet hole, but actually it is my navel.

And the third drawback

is no matter how hot it

is, when I sunbathe on the beach, I still have to wear a scarf.

Now, we'll have the awards, shall we? Oh, my darling.

Let's see who's won this.

Beautiful statuette in solid gold.

And as the lights are lowered, the underworld waits to see which of these

becomes the much -acclaimed villain of the year.

Most promising newcomer, Percy Balcock, for his work in armed robbery.

ready to flush.

Twenty

-one

today. Twenty -one today.

Twenty -one today.

Twenty -one today. Twenty -one today.

Twenty -one today.

Twenty -one today.

Here, let me.

Thank you.

22 today.

22 today.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There we are.

Thank you very much.

Do you like women?

Oh, I love women.

I do it four times a day.

It gives you the cramp in the cold weather, you know.

I like doing it on me back, then.

Thank you.

I'd like to try the women across the channel.

French girls?

No, the women across the channel.

I've got women four times a day. Women, women!

Women! Yay!

You would think I'm awfully stupid.

Yeah.

Here, here. High five.

High five.

Top three. Yeah.

Here.

Here. Here.

You mean that? Yeah.

He went out with Americans. The Americans took her out, you know. They

out all night.

I had to go along and bail her out.

She couldn't stop leaking.

Leaking all over the place.

And I'd been all over her bottom that morning with a tarp.

Oh, a boat. A boat, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. What happened?

She went down.

She went down.

Just like that.

Then I put all me money on this horse in the national.

And what happened? It went down.

It went down.

Just like that.

Hey, you've just drunk my beer.

And mine too.

Ah, then this one must be mine.

I have very great pleasure in handing you this handsome statuette.

Who's got the statuette? No, who's got it? Now, come on, hold up.

Honour amongst thieves.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do. Listen, I'm putting the lights down for

seconds. When the lights come up, it better be there, right?

Here we go then. Now the bridegroom, he was 90.

The bride was 17.

Now there's a funny thing.

The doctor said, you're taking a chance and she knows what I mean.

He said it could prove fatal. The old man blinked his eyes.

He said, doctor, I'm a fatalist. And if she dies, she dies.

we wait in vain.

All we want is just one bus to come and take us home.

Then seven come together because they're scared to come alone.

Here's Billy Connolly.

Could I have a handful, please?

Ah, lucky, on her motorbike.

She stopped me by a wood.

She said, you come on the new. I'll do you better, dude.

She took off her clothes.

She said, I'm yours. Take anything that you like.

Well, her wellies would defeat me, so I took her motorbike.

She is Al Johnson.

Here's your little boy, Sammy, just got back from Alabama, Mammy.

Oh, don't flim -flam me, Mammy. Don't you remember when I was a little baby

it was Thanksgiving Day, Mammy, and you sent me next door to ask if we could

borrow their turkey for half an hour?

Do you remember, Mammy? Oh, you remember when I had to fleas? And you said,

whatever you do, don't let a landlord know you got to fleas because we're not

allowed to keep pets.

Mammy, remember when I had the mumps, Mammy? And Daddy said, you want to watch

out, son?

You can die from the mumps.

And she said, oh, Daddy, don't tell a little baby a thing like that. He won't

die from the mumps.

And he said he will if he gives it to me.

I don't remember that, Manny.

Oh, Manny.

My little Manny.

I'd walk a million miles for one of your miles, my Manny.

Thank you. And now, ladies and gentlemen, I present the very lovely

With the towel.

Could you get me a towel?

Towel.

Towel.

Thank you.

A man with that with Mrs. Grable in a pub one night.

When he slipped beneath the table, disappeared from sight, her waiter said,

Madame, your husband's just slipped onto the floor.

She said, Oh, no, my husband, he has just come through the door.

And that's all there is. There ain't no...

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of God and in the face of this

congregation to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony, which

is an honourable estate. Oh, Lord.

I've done it now, haven't I?

Just look at her. Look at that face.

Looks like it wore out two bodies.

Well, the old man has got a few bob put by.

It's more than I have.

It'll all be hers when he pegs out.

That shouldn't be long by the sound of things.

Oh, she is ugly, though.

Still, I'll be out most of the day, won't I?

Looking after one of her dad's factories, no doubt.

Oh, but cop that face.

Looks like an unmade bed.

Bed?

Bed?

Here, will I have to... Here, will she expect me to... I can't. I couldn't. I

couldn't. I can't go through with this. I can't. I can't let myself in for this.

I just can't. No, I can't do it. I won't. I won't. No, not for all the

the world.

Wilt thou, Ted, have this woman to thy wedded wife?

I went out to water and I... Ted Tingley!

Elsie! What? Oh, I'm wearing black on account of my dear departed husband.

Oh. Might they ask when he departed?

Oh, about ten minutes ago, but he won't be back till six.

You were in Joyce Hobbs' class, weren't you? Joyce Hobbs? You remember, had a

long nose, looked a bit like General de Gaulle, only taller.

Pretty hot.

Oh, thanks.

mother had religious mania, didn't she?

She used to put on stained glass spectacles and watch stars on Sundays.

You never got married then?

Nothing like that.

Oh, and you've got a little glass there.

That'd be like burning the house down just to get a bit of toast, wouldn't it?

Thank you.

It's nice, that. A bit like cider, isn't it?

I'm warning you.

be coming home soon.

Oh, I'm not doing anything.

I know, but if you're going to, you better get started.

What about your husband, then?

Oh, Ian, he doesn't even look at me.

If I was to have an accident, he wouldn't be able to identify the body.

Why never?

Well, me neither.

Well, hardly ever.

Here, who do you like married, then? Oh, Bill Bates.

treat me awful.

Yeah, I know, but... Oh, heck, that's him.

Go on, find me. Get me out of here.

Go on.

Go on.

Sorry, love, I forgot me fags.

Bye -bye, Elsie. Ta -ra, love.

Ta -ra, mate.

See, I told you, he doesn't care.

He doesn't, does he, eh?

I mean, you do fancy me, don't you? you, Ted? Oh, I fancy you something chronic.

I do, I do, yes. I mean, you do find me attractive, don't you, Ted? Oh, yeah,

not at all. I do, yes. I mean, you do really want me, don't you, Ted?

Oh, Elsie, I do.

I do, I do.

Can I now pronounce you Marilyn Bell?

Here with the latest number, our love, Murphy.

you're happy for eternity.

You're flattened, scattered, round and broken.

Your heart is smashing, beating too.

Beautiful as water, I don't ever think he's left you what you've done.

We must apologise to viewers in the Dimpton -on -Sea area for a technical

during the whole of Coronation Street.

We do hope that the loss of sound and vision didn't spoil your enjoyment too

much.

Later this evening, you'll have another chance of seeing the very popular

Victorian Scandal.

My dear friend, thank you all for coming.

As you well know, it is just a year ago today...

The sweet Susan here became my bride. You lucky bander!

Just a year ago tonight that she first joined me in my bedchamber. Father Jerry

was ready for plucking, eh?

And I'll tell you this.

And Benson, my trusted servant here, will bear me out. This past year has

the happiest of my life.

And I know you'll all forgive me if I bid you adieu. For I'm just as eager to

in her arms tonight.

as I was that first night one year ago.

You

make

me vomit.

You hypocrite.

The happiest year of my life. Oh, God, how I hate you.

I know that, dear. And now so does he. Who?

Him, Benson.

The eyes and ears of the world.

Now all London will know.

You know what a big mouth he's got?

You thought I didn't see you making sheep's eyes at your slut all through

dinner? I made sheep's eyes at no one.

Liar!

As God is my judge, I swear it's true.

Liar!

Do you think I don't know about you and all your fancy women?

to the moment my back is turned.

Veronica.

Marcia.

Definitely.

And I'll tell you why I go to them. They're sweeter, they're kinder, they're

prettier than you are.

And I'll tell you this.

I'm sick of your tantrums, do you hear? Dick, it's got to stop.

far this time.

I'm one of you.

Slut!

Slut am I?

Then I'll not suffer you to share your bed with a slut.

And whose will you share it with?

There isn't a gentleman in London, or have you?

And there's not a gentleman in the land I'd want, but a man.

Fine talk, my girl, and which man will it be?

I swear if you were my mother's life, I'll not spend this night with you. I'll

spend it with...

Sleep with that?

Fine. I doubt if the fool would know what to do.

All right.

You've made your choice.

You can lie in it. See if I care.

Make forgiveness, is that it?

Expect me to wheedle, to persuade, to cajole you? Is that it? Is that what you

want? Then I will.

Darling, please forgive me.

Dearest, please say yes.

Oh, very well.

But if you promise it will never happen again, will you promise?

Will you?

Yes. I will.

Come, let's have some of us. Special brandy. Eh?

And then we'll take it up to our room.

Ah, Benson.

Benson, we're together again.

Doesn't that make you happy?

You came along and everything's starting to hum.

Wait till the warm -ups on the way. Wait till our lips have met.

Wait till you see that sunshine day. You ain't seen nothing yet.

The best is yet to come and babe won't it be fine.

The best is yet to come from the day you're mine.

That is yet to come.

And on for today, the gay Gordon is dead.

Everyone does the flash Gordon instead.

It's called a flash.

It's more than a dance, it's a real sensation.

And it's called a flash.

When you're in the dance hall with Marie and Beryl. Forget the Frankie Gibbons

and the Knotsmiths, we're a... Who's a -flashing all the girls of the day? Nice

one, Sarah!

Come on, let's do the flash!

woman's purgative to be late, innit?

My friend will be here in a minute. Oh, yeah? Who's she like after? Oh, well,

you know that Avril?

What, tall Avril? The one with them long legs? All the way up to her Arthur's

sister? Yeah.

Well,

she couldn't come.

Oh. So I asked Edie Grimful.

And she could come? Yeah. She always can.

Will she be going home first or will she come straight round here from the

slaughterhouse?

is on it.

Yeah, you do and all.

Yeah, that's better.

Than what?

And straighten your stockings, they're all wrinkled.

I'm not wearing any.

Do you like my pearls?

Oh, I like them, Edie. Oh, are they real?

Of course they are.

Oh, come on, you're not going to tell me those are real.

What about your friend?

He ain't one of them punk rockers, is he?

Oh, no, love, he's very high class. He's more like a Deb's Delight, you know.

Oh, he's gloated, is he?

Most nights.

Now, where are we going, then?

Well, I can go in here if you like. All there is at the Regent is a sailor to...

sailor to cities.

Supported by the mummy's hand.

To be you, there's naked as nature intended.

Oh, I could go and watch a film like that. If I was to watch a film like

that, I'd want to bury my face.

Well, that's an idea, isn't it?

He ain't much to look at, is he?

Why don't he come over here, then?

Well, I mean, he's only 20.

He's a bit shy.

Yeah, but...

I'll nip across and chat him up. Hang on, yeah. Oh, Paddy, eh? What do you

of them two, eh? Oh, don't think much of mine. Bye -bye.

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

Don't you want to see the monster from the Black Lagoon?

Yeah, I've just seen her.

Listen, mate, she just beat in a beauty parlor.

Was it shot?

All right, now listen, mate. Look, if we go out and have a meal, whatever you

do, don't go mopping up all that gravy with your bread.

A lot of people mop up gravy with their bread.

Not off other people's plates, David.

Come on, over here. Here we are, Edie, Ruthie, this is Paddy, your little

playmate of the month.

I don't think I've had the pleasure.

I'm not surprised.

Look, where are we going, then?

We don't all have to go together, do we? I mean, two of us might not want to go

in here, and the other two might want to go down a tunnel of love.

Oh, I don't want to go down the tunnel of love with her.

That's great and great.

What do you want, jam on it?

What? I think we should all stick together.

Excuse me, will you?

Be my guest.

Look, mate, we've got to split them up, mate. If we don't split them up, no

-one's going to get anywhere, are they?

Well, I won't know what to do with her.

Well, you'll think of something.

I don't know, knowing you, perhaps you won't.

You see, I don't know much about the opposite sex.

Is it one of the means you know which is the opposite sex?

That it wants to go backwards when you're dancing, remember?

Well, take her down to the palais there, and if you don't like it, you can lose

her in the ladies' excuse me.

And how to do that? Lock the bloody door.

I'll tell you, I'm sure it'll come as no surprise to you when I tell you that

this young man here is the reigning all -Ireland dance champion.

but there I suspect you've already noticed his stylish gait.

I ain't even seen his house.

And he has asked me to ask you if you'll go dancing with him this evening.

Oh, I can't see, on account of my very close face.

Oh, but I can.

I've never danced with a champion before.

You've got to split them up, otherwise no one's going to get anywhere.

of them so you could be alone with me.

Why did you pick on me then?

Because you're so excited.

We could go to the fun fair. I'd like to go in the haunted house.

You'd be at home in there, wouldn't you?

They've got mirrors in there that make you look ever such a funny shape.

You've got head start.

of love.

And Harry, you won't be disappointed because I've put on some kiss -proof

lipstick. You needn't have bothered.

Why not? Because you've got a kiss -proof face.

It's no good me kidding myself.

I know you'd rather be with Ruth.

I'm always the one that some fella gets stuck with.

Never the one he wants.

But you must understand, Harry, That even if a woman ain't much to look at,

needs to be loved just as much as a pretty girl.

More so, in fact, because she needs reassuring.

Can't you see that, Harry?

Harry. Yeah, what?

I want you to do something for me.

What? I want you to ask me to go out with you. Ask me nicely, as if you

wanted me to.

Well...

Please, Harry.

Edie, I'll be very proud.

I'll be very honoured to take you out tomorrow night. Will you come?

Say please, Harry.

Say please.

Please, Edie, will you come?

No!

Women, I'm finished with them. Finished with them. Never again, I ask.

You woke me up to do it.