Original subtitles

Yes, it's the Benny Hill Show, with a host of your favorite stars!

Love, Chuck LaVey, and Cherry!

her performing men.

deliver down panting fruit?

Yes, yes, sir, I do, sir, yes. And do you serve a Mrs. Treader?

Is that number 47, the redhead?

Ah, yes, yes, I do, sir, yes. And last Thursday at one o 'clock, did you shout

woe to your horse from her bedroom window?

Yes, sir, I did, yes.

Well, I'm her husband, and I don't like it one little bit.

Neither did I, sir. Look, I crossed your name out, see?

With me tonight, the multi -talented Clyde Jarrow.

Hello there.

Now, Mr. Jarrow, you're a poet, historian, songwriter, critic, and a

director. How do you do all these things?

Brilliantly.

And with great humility and charm.

And yet you're still quite young.

Oh, come now, I wouldn't call 28 young.

When was it that you got your first chance to become a writer?

It was the winter of 1959.

But I remember I was in the bathroom and I was looking in the shaving mirror and

wondering what was happening to the other six wonders of the world.

And I turned to my wife, Elaine, who was sitting nearby, straining her greens.

And I said to her, I said, you know, Elaine, when I shave in the morning, I

ten years younger.

She said, why the hell don't you shave at night then?

And you know, before I could think of a snappy answer, this publisher came in.

He said, Clive, you're made, you're made.

I want to talk to your maid.

And while he was talking to her, I showed him my anthropology that I had

written, which I called Love is Like a Dumpling. And I called it Love is Like a

Dumpling because I honestly believe that to be the most profound thing that I've

ever said.

Love is truly like a dumpling.

Why? Pardon?

Why is love like a dumpling?

Well, if you're going to bleed and argue about it, I mean, love ain't like a

dumpling. I mean, you don't have to take it literally.

It's like saying, cast your bread upon the water and it'll come back a

hundredfold. I mean, who the hell wants a hundred loaves of wet bread?

Not to take it too literally.

It's time for you to speak of the love affair.

Oh, yes, I'm sure it'll be a great pleasure for all of you.

A dirty old man was sat down by the lake quietly plucking a duck.

And just as he feared, the gamekeeper appeared. He looked up and said, what

rotten luck.

He chucked the duck in the lake as the gamekeeper spanked.

He said, you're stealing that duck, I suppose.

He said, come off it, Jim. He's just having a swim and I'm sitting here

his clothes.

He said to his landlord, me roof leaks. And every time that it starts to rain,

water runs down me walls.

The landlord said, ball to dash.

What did he expect then, champagne?

What more he said, there's bugs on me bed. They climb there from the wall of

shack. I've tried pulling me bed away from the wall, but the bugs keep pulling

it back.

Once the dirty old man left his dirty old bike by the railings of number 10.

You can't leave that there, said the copper. I'm not going to tell you again.

Not just Wilson, but Thatcher and Thorpe may turn up to wine and to dine and to

sup. But the dirty old man went across to his bike and he carefully locked it

up.

We've all of us seen the dirty old man as we hurry past in the street with his

dirty old hat and his dirty old coat and his dirty old rags on his feet.

And we think that we care.

But do we really care should this lonely old man live or die?

In your heart of hearts, Do you really care?

No. Neither do I.

I believe now we're going to see the documentary that I made over here, are

The one about the family, you know, the group of family from Aldershot.

I mean, well, marriage is not just like sex.

I mean, it's coming home to a spotless head.

He's having a lovely meal. He's been preparing a lovely meal.

What did you say?

There's another label to come off the table.

I know.

Ah, spaghetti bollock knees.

Yeah. Is it going to be long?

Well, do you want me to measure it or something?

Can I have a glass of water, then? What, drink?

No, I want to rinse out a few things.

Don't you be sorry with me.

Yeah. I wish I was him.

I wish I was that cat.

Ha! You wouldn't if you knew.

I'm taking him to the vet this afternoon.

Oh, go on.

Demand your conjurer's rights, are they? I do wish you'd stop playing with that

smelly, hairy thing. It's not a smelly, hairy thing. I was talking to the cat.

I took the father's tea into him. You see, Tom, marriage is two people finding

happiness and contentment and... What are you doing?

I'm not doing that!

I'm not doing that!

Oh, well then.

And peace in each other's hearts.

I'm going to my tent.

Why, what's wrong with the one you're wearing?

Oh, to go camping.

Well, camping, you don't worry about getting a tent. You want to worry about

getting yourself a house, don't you, Father?

Can't blithe me. I mean, you've got to get married sometime, Tom.

Can't go and join yourself forever.

You'd marry her, wouldn't you?

You listening to me?

Yeah. How can you be? You've got your eyes closed.

Today, I'm listening with my ears.

But I understand, Tom, the sanctity, the holiness of marriage.

Well, I'll pick a bloody thing, will you?

OK.

But I mean, Tom, like, I mean, if you'd married, you'd have all sorts of

benefits. Honestly, it's like coconuts.

I mean,

you'd like your baby to have a name, wouldn't you? Just imagine you have a

little son.

A lovely little lad with a chubby face like his mum. A little son you can, I've

told you about that before, haven't I?

Love and cherish the lovely.

Or a nice daughter while she grew up in the womanhood in front of your very...

It's no wonder you're coughing, running around all the time half -naked like

that. Where did you get that ice cream from? I want one. You shut up.

I got it off the ice cream man, didn't I?

You mean to say you've been out like that half -naked?

Well, he knows what I look like. I've been round his house dark naked.

When he gets his Polaroid out, and them other villains at them gangbangs and pot

parties, I mean, they're all drunk anyway, ain't they?

After all your father and I have done for you to bring you up nice and

respectable, you still say ain't.

I'm sure the vicar don't approve of you two having sex before the wedding.

He says it's okay as long as it doesn't block the aisle.

Be nice, my pet wedding.

Oh, I'm a pet, see?

I'm an atheist.

Why not? Why not?

If you ate that bread already, you must be another appetite, haven't you?

Tell us what they say in it. Wait till a man's heart is through his stomach and

it's quite ripe, you know.

Yeah, it's a shredded wheat.

Who's got my drink outside?

Here,

I've been looking for that.

It's not a poison, mate. I'm going. Hang on, hang on. Wait a minute. Wait a

minute. You're fond of your food, aren't you, Tom? Here.

Look what she cooked for you.

The wrong little boy down.

What's gone is good, Tom.

Thank

you.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, will you please listen to the golden voice of

Eddie Buchanan?

Considering so many folks dissatisfied

with everything,

Who needs someone to understand they're lonely

Yes, they're lonely But they're not

alone And everywhere They

shrug their shoulders tell themselves that they don't care

And all the while they make believe that

Yes, they're happy, but not really.

And they're asked to hold the world together,

make it happen, and give it

children. Oh, and turn on, turning on

to.

And all the strength that I need to help them has

been wasted, remains hidden.

I'm a fan, sir.

After that, sir, what can I say?

Rubbish!

No, and I'm a fan, sir. Mr. Buchanan, I've watched you box many times.

Last time I was to call you.

No, sir,

the thing is, may I be frank?

Oh, certainly. I'll be honest if you'd rather.

I had heard.

The thing is, sir, what you need is a group. A group!

Discovery.

And I have called them Loosenicks and Old... Arsenic and Old Lake.

Yes, Arsenic and Old Lake.

Each one, sir, a soloist in his own right. Elton.

There's no place like home.

There's no place like home.

He's got a rotten voice. He's got a rotten home, sir.

Our poplar singer, all the way from poplar.

D, sir.

And then, sir, we have little Donny Esmond.

The Australian Nightingale.

I know he doesn't look much, but he's very big down under.

At least that's what he tells me.

I'll tell you something, sir, it was, his voice was used for Catherine, not

Catherine Hepburn, Audrey Hepburn.

That wasn't ties you'd give me, was it? No.

For Audrey Hepburn in My Fair Lady, sir. Good God, how did he get into things so

high?

That is a trade secret.

I'd show you, only it makes his eyes watery.

I mean, if I told you, they'd all be at it, wouldn't they, sir?

You wouldn't be able to tell Moira Anderson from Mick Jagger.

Not without seeing them.

Then you'd have a job.

He's lovely, this little fella, sir. He is our romantic singer.

Hola, tiger.

Hola, tiger.

That's not romantic.

It is to another tiger, sir.

Now then, sir, we won't let you down, sir. All you want is the right song. Get

good song. We won't let you down, sir. You'll be all right. We'll come in

sir. I've got one.

Big part, you're... I've got one.

I've told him you're very big down under.

A song?

What's it called?

Give yourself a pat on the back, pat on the back, pat on the back, and say to

yourself, here's Jolly Good Health, I've had a good day today.

That's the title?

Yes. When we've got a couple of weeks, you must come and sing it for us.

Here, hang on a minute.

Here, go on.

Have a lie down, have a cup of tea and a marie biscuit. You'll be all right.

Carry on, sir. We won't let you down, sir.

I see you every day walking down the avenue.

I'd like to get to know you, but all I do is smile.

I'd like to get to know you,

but all I do is smile.

Thank you.

I'll finger on what you're doing right Yeah, yeah There's something about you,

baby Yeah, yeah There's something about you, baby

you anything, sir?

Like hot and bothered?

Here, hang on. I haven't finished my tizer yet, had I?

Oh, get you.

Yes, I bet you'd like to and all.

Is anyone sitting there?

No. Mind if I do?

Treat yourself to three countries. Oh.

What's that you're drinking?

It's tizer. Why?

Miss, two tizers, please.

Look, I didn't mean for you to buy me one, did I? There, there.

You're only being sociable.

All right. Could you go for me?

Why, can't you go for yourself?

Oh, no.

No, I mean, can we be friends?

Well, if it's only friends, I suppose it's all right, yeah.

Why not?

Any good with these things?

I beg your pardon?

Um, crosswords. Oh, try me out. I'm not bad, you know. All right, I will.

Seven across.

Uh -huh. Okay?

It's popular with men and women.

Mm -hmm. It's got three letters.

Uh -huh.

Begins with S. Uh -huh. And ends with X.

Oh, and it's much nicer when there's two.

and it's much nicer when there's two.

I mean, can you imagine me walking around wearing only one sock?

Oh, yes.

That'd be silly. I'd rather have it off.

So would I.

Thank you, I'm sure.

Oh, that's a lovely painting over there.

Hmm, it's a constable.

Looks more like a game warden to me.

Not as nice as that one up there. I think that's a Picasso, isn't it?

Yes, done during his blue period.

Yeah, well, you could see one nappy when he'd done that.

That looks like a Van Gogh.

Funny man.

Cut off his ear and sent it to his girlfriend. Now, I wonder why he did

Perhaps he wanted to hear from her.

But I still think that's the nicest one that's painted here. That sign up there,

it's painted ever so nice, isn't it?

Oh, well.

Round the mouth, round the gums, look how stomach -ish he comes.

May I live as long as I want to, and want to as long as I live.

my shoe.

This is not my bed.

Where's Teddy?

Whose brazier's that?

It's that woman. It's that woman, I know.

I say, madam, wherever you are, I know you're here somewhere.

I'm not staying here.

I'm certainly not.

Let me...

to get the claws to strobe you.

You can't keep me locked up caged up like an animal.

You're not right to cage me up like an animal.

Oh, mummy.

Help me.

Oh, dear God, help me.

Somebody help me, please. If you know you're shouting, the room is soundproof.

Oh, well, I won't bother then.

Are you going to let me out here or not? No.

I should climb out the window. We are 13 floors up. I'm not superstitious.

Look.

And I've got the key.

If you don't give me that key, I shall come and take it off you by brute force

if necessary.

Will you? Yes, I will.

No, I won't.

Look, I can't stay any longer. It's nearly midnight.

Midday? Mid... Midday? Mm -hmm.

I can't have been here all... Oh, my God.

Have I been here all night?

Mm -hmm.

Ooh.

During the night, did you...

Did you have carnival knowledge of me?

Can't you remember, Tiger?

When I was saving myself for the girl I marry.

You can't keep me here against my will.

Can't I?

We'll see about that. Yes, we will see about that.

I've jumped in at a time like this.

With the kitchen on fire and smoke everywhere, the whole place will be

a cinder.

What shall I do?

What shall I do?

Save the furniture.

Save the furniture.

Why don't you stop wasting your time? You won't get away with this. I'll phone

the police. That's what I will do.

You'll soon see.

Hello, Scotland Yard.

Hello, Jock.

Yes, I'm speaking to you from an apartment very near to the post...

It's up in the air.

Yes, you can't miss it. It's got striped curtains.

And there's a wicked evil woman here and she's holding me hostage.

No, me hostage.

Yes. Right, old officer, you'll come right away and I should prefer charges

soon as she gets here.

You brought me here. I collect beautiful things.

I know, but... But why me?

I mean, honestly, there are plenty of other young men.

Just as good, almost as good looking as what I am.

I mean, why in this whole metrolopis do you have to pick on me?

It's my hobby. What is?

Philately. Well, that'll get you nowhere for a start.

I've got a tiny tickle.

Well, I can't help about that, can I?

I mean, I'm not a doctor.

Would you like to see it? No, I wouldn't.

Oh, stamps!

Oh, that's all right. Stamps is all right. It's quite a nice hobby. There's

nothing wrong with that.

Oh, yes, it's nice, you see, but it's not enough.

Don't you see I'm lonely?

I am desperately lonely.

You don't want to be like that. I mean, you know what they say. For every man,

there's a woman. You can't complain about that.

I'm not complaining about it. I just want to get in on it.

Well, all this has got nothing to do with me, has it? Oh, hasn't it? And how

you think I feel, eh?

Seeing you Saturday after Saturday in the King's Road with your tight T -shirt

and your open -neck trousers.

Loving your lovely body, inflaming all those women. Oh, how do you think I

Don't be silly.

Look, you don't understand. I'm secretly and unofficially engaged to Elsie.

Well, what's this Elsie got that I haven't got?

Nothing, and she ain't had it for quite so long.

Come on, sit down.

Well, all right, stop treating me like a child.

I mean... Honestly, in six months' time, I should be allowed to vote.

Look, have a cake.

All right.

Thank you very much. Naughty, naughty.

Why? Well, if that had been me, I'd have taken the small one.

You've got the bleeding thing, haven't you?

Nothing quite like you.

Did

you

make these ice creams yourself?

Very nice. Let's have a little taste.

Mm. I say, we might get slim on lemon juice, but never on sundaes.

That beer looks a bit pale.

Oh, it's nice, though. You got any fags?

Oh, it's the one thing I forgot. I'll pop next door and get some. Right,

very much.

Oh, she's a nice little body, hasn't she? Isn't she?

Let's get the door open.

I can escape.

I can get... I can go home.

I should see my little house before they pull it down to put up a slum.

I should have some of my mother's homemade chipolatas.

What tastes like dentist's fingers.

I'll meet Elsie and her mother when they come out of work at the slaughterhouse.

I should see my goldfish again.

The only ones that open their mouth without asking for something.

I should have some of my mother's homemade little pastry.

Tastes like eating a wet book.

Hello, who's calling the golden shot?

Hello, Madge. From Bingley, yes, I know it. It's on the way from Muldershot,

Calshot, Bagshot and... Oh, well, isn't it? I know it well.

You're the beauty queen.

This contestant, Bob, has got, um... 73.

73.

And the other contestant... Señor.

Good morning. I'd like to buy a gramophone record. Perdón.

They play it in the cafe across the road every day.

Ay, madre mía, siempre los turistas locos.

Record round with a hole in the middle. I want... Ah, sí,

señor, comprendo. Diez pesitas.

Now, what can I say about my guest tonight that hasn't already been said

piles?

He's just been described as a legend in his own mind, more dynamic than Derek

Nimmo, sexier than Malcolm Muggeridge, and more controversial than Huey Green.

Songs like I Can't Leave Her Behind Alone, I Can't Leave Her Behind Alone,

and What Is This Thing Called, Love?

have made him a household name in places as far apart as Brighton and Hull.

With three numbers in the top ten in Macedonia, his voice has been described

sounding like someone breaking wind.

Oh, like someone breaking a window.

I have been a fan of his since he came on the scene in the late 50s and early

60s. He is, of course... Text, text!

Symbol!

Well, welcome to the show, Tex. Now then, Tex, you're young, you're good

-looking, you're rich, you're famous, and you bought your mother a house in

Pinner. Everywhere you go, beautiful women throw themselves at you. But tell

honestly, does it really make you happy?

Yeah, um...

That's

really most enlightening.

Let's get back now to the beginning text. I mean, how did it all start?

I've always wanted to make something of my life, you know. I've always wanted to

be respected.

Albert Schweitzer or Mick Jagger or, you know, one of that lot.

And I've got, like I said, full of words. A poet's poetry and all that.

all these words in my head all the time. And it's like, when I hear, like, a

nice -looking bird, I just can't wait to get him down.

You know what I mean?

But I want to go to school.

And with Scotland right here at the top. And, of course, the ale of man, which

is... Not quite.

Right, Willie Baxter.

You keep on to your roots, that's your trouble.

And leave Miss Monroe alone as well.

Now then, children, up here. Of course.

Oh, very well, then. Go on, off you get. Off you get. Get out of there, you

little dears. Off you go. Off you go.

Oh, that Tex.

He knew far too many vulgar songs for my liking.

Quite disgusting, some of them were.

I mean, he actually sang them in class.

No, but he whistled them.

Reportedly, I've always had this rather wonderful book on child psychology.

I used to belt him around the head with that.

But I blame his probation officer, you know. He was far too laxative.

He wanted to kill a man to boot as well, or something awfully strange about

that.

You, of course, were present when Tex and his group played at the Denby Town

Hall. That is quite right.

What a commotion they caused.

How? Well, they was holding an odd fellow's gathering.

I mean, they didn't expect jubilant delinquents, not on a night like that.

Was it a testimonial dinner?

I don't know. I only had a drink.

But the lady Maris, who was sitting on my right hand, well, not like sitting on

it, you know.

Said to me, were you ever a juvenile delinquent?

I nearly was, said I, but I managed to stop myself in time.

How, said she.

I grew up, said I.

At least the lady mayoress, who was rather on the plump side, fairly shook

laughter.

They must have been quite a handful.

The delinquents.

Oh, yes, yes, they was as well, yeah. But, I mean, I myself, I'm more for the

quiet genital way of life.

I couldn't carry on like textiles, thank you.

All right.

Well, it does, like, get a bit hectic, you know, like in a recording studio.

It's knowing that your door is always open and your path is free to walk.

It makes me tend to leave my sleeping bag rolled up and

that's behind your couch.

And it's knowing I'm not shackled by forgotten words and bombs and the ink

stains that have dried upon some line.

I presume the pack rose by the rivers of my memory that keeps you

ever gentle on my mind.

Gentle on my mind.

Gentle on my mind.

Gentle on my mind.

Isn't that lovely?

That was his first guitar.

He got it from the works raffle.

He won it?

No, he organised it.

But, you know, they were never so proud of him. We're all proud of him, really,

you know.

Even his old school, and you had to be recommended by a magistrate even to get

in there.

They had a speech day the other day and they wanted him to go along and present

the prizes.

And you see, he had this kipper for his breakfast and I think it must have been

off or something because he was out the back all day long and consequently he

couldn't go along and... Officiate.

And I'm not just saying that because he's my brother.

Because Arnold would... Oh, I'm sorry.

You didn't know his name was Arnold, did you? It is Arnold.

Arnold Bibby.

But there's nothing he wouldn't do for Mother and me.

And that's about all he's ever done for us.

Well,

everybody's making out he's so blooming marvellous and wonderful and everybody's

making out the things are what they are not and they are not.

And which one's that?

Yes.

And what about Angela and the baby and my bicycle pump?

He's a lovely boy. I don't want to say he's my son.

I won't hear it. I wonder what about this lovely reference they give him,

lovely reference he says. He says he's noble and honest and hardworking and

industrious. Mother, that is not a reference. That is a Wayne Machine

all the way from America, from the deep south, from Mrs. Pissy.

Look at that.

That's real Miss Juliet, that is.

There you are.

Cheers.

Yeah, well, I mean, that American tour, that was something else, man.

Six years ago, when I first heard his album, I just went, what?

You know what? I wet my knickers.

Isn't that awful?

But that was six years ago.

Oh, I mean, just now.

And I went, what?

I've done it again.

He means so much to us kids. Honestly, he's a wonderful person because he's

our leader. He's like our God.

Because, you know, after Vietnam and Nixon and Watergate and I knew and all

that, he's all we've got left.

You see, he's all we've got. Tex is all we've got.

Tex is all we've got.

He's all we've got.

Help.

cymbal band, the only band where the drummer carries the melody.

We'll be hearing from the Irish band leader, Edmund Ross, and his upper

and we'll be seeing Elton John tackling a bowl full of salad, a soulful ballad,

and we'll be seeing Alison Dotsworth as a mashup.

We were to have had Alvin Stardust, but unfortunately his voice is gone, and to

him trying to get that very large agenda of his into his very tight schedules.

But we do have somebody with us tonight who was on the Tech Symbol American

tour, and that is country and western stylist Hank Key.

Hank, you've only just arrived in this country, haven't you?

I'd have been at the studio sooner, only at the airport this security lady had

to search me.

It took so long.

No, but I went back for seconds.

I believe that this tour, the American tour of Texas, was really quite

something. Oh, sure as hell was. I remember the first night out, my lady

she wore a strapless evening gown.

I wouldn't have minded, only she had wash for a V -neck.

And old Tex says to her, he says, I don't see what keeps that dress up. She

says, you play your cards right and you will.

She had no right talking to him like that, though. I was going to fire her. I

was going to attack her. She said, boss, don't sack me. She said, I'll do

anything if you'll forgive me. Just anything.

So I forgave her.

I forgave her four times.

No,

I'm joshing. He a fine boy. Why, he bought me these here spurs.

That's made a real Sheffield steel.

Real Sheffield steel, M .R. And you... Oh, darn it.

I didn't know they were as heavy as I am.

Well, let's look now at Tech Symbol when he made his first big success with his

first number one on top of the Pops.

If I were a squirrel...

from licking the grass I'd climb up all the chestnut trees and I'd slide down on

my if I were a salmon I would swim just beneath the ice

and when the girls came gating up wouldn't it be

nice but I am just a

I long to hold a loving hand in mine. Long to see a lovely face.

Long to kiss your lips as red as wine.

Yes,

I am just a lonely boy. I long to have

a little girl that I can call my own.

I long to hold a loving hand in mine.

Long to see a lovely face.

But I'm just an unlucky lad, so unlucky it has

often been said.

If I was Sophia Lawrence, baby boy, oh, I'd be bottle fed.

I long to have a little girl that I can

call my own.

I long to hold a lovely hand in mine. I long to see a lovely fear.

I long to get lips as red as... Why, that healer's not impressed.

Healer's not impressed.

Healer's not impressed.

Healer's not impressed.

Healer's not impressed.

And you need to tell me, Ted, that with all this success, that your lifestyle

hasn't changed one little bit.

No, not one little bit.

Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for joining us, and we look

forward to seeing you all again very, very soon. But until then, may I just

leave you with this thought.

Bye.