Original subtitles

Paddy, it's no good. They know where we are.

Surrender. Surrender.

Surrender.

This is the Benny Hill Show, with the help of the old man's paper, including

cooking pretzels.

And to register, I cry.

But if I didn't come here...

Gold and silver.

We have confirmed the lovely Marianne Pitbull.

You owe Gino.

I

really

don't hook up.

And the Latin quote, 32!

Oh, God!

That's what I thought.

That anxiety.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is not generally known that the island of Luana

or Polynesia to be Pacific.

Ha, ha, ha!

Oh, God.

Has the largest female population in the world.

When I say large, I don't mean numbers. I mean they are big.

God, they are big!

Oh, the pains are coming back.

The average size of the average Loenese woman is 52.

19.

Because nothing will grow in the shade out there.

of teeth.

But personally, I look at it like this.

They make my wife look like a midget because my wife's only about about

so high.

God, she is stupid. The other day they gave her the key to the city.

She locked herself out.

Thank God. But while I was in Luana, I had the pleasure.

times of meeting the chief there and his 17 wives.

17! God, all that meat and no potatoes.

He was a funny little fellow, you know, white hair and wizened old little

gnarled hands, about 30.

He wrote a very beautiful song once, and it was only four verses long, and I

have translated it into English. In English it is called She was only a

stockbroker's daughter, but everyone got his share.

Please yourself.

Well, he wrote these four verses, and before he could write the fifth verse,

got trapped in a revolving door with two hula -hula dancers.

Big ones!

And he was massaged to death.

song now there's only four verses they're quite cute so here we go with

the beach in Waikiki there lives a lovely maid who cannot keep her body

when her favorite song is played but if you sing the chorus in Hawaiian they say

that she'll appear not only will she dance but she'll give you her souvenir

song goes

a little bit quicker.

One day she bought a book so she could learn to water ski.

Then she spent a fortnight looking for a sloping sea. But with humor in her long

grasp, the excitement never stopped.

And all the farmers say they love the way that she rotates her crop.

a pigeon on a hot pavement.

I'd love to see her in 3D.

That's my room number.

Third verse.

We lay upon the sand one day beneath the cloudless sky. I bought her a crimson

rose to match her bloodshot eyes. Oh, she got a little bolder. My shy young

thing, I said. She got a little bolder and she dropped it on my head.

Manuna. Reminds me I must get some hot coffee.

Hang on to your hernia belts.

Fourth and last verse. Okay.

She said you give me half a crown and I will read your palm.

Then she saw my love line went halfway up me arm. So now she shares her prices,

although she's just as willing.

It's big fat men at two pound ten and little boys a shilling.

Come on, kids, all right!

and we won't disappoint them. I'll tell you what, I'll give you a roll on the

drum.

Manuna, Manuna, Manuna.

Just a minute, what does Manuna mean?

It is what girls say to boys while walking through cow field.

She say, don't tread in, Manuna.

Lord Denby, a footman, gardener and handyman.

While Lady Denby's maid

was a charming creature named Emily Turnbull.

George would entertain his lordship's guests on the flute.

While Miss Emily played the virginal.

So it

came as no surprise to the village when on September the 15th, 1907,

they became man and wife.

Their honeymoon was spent in Bognor Regis.

her son Gavin after a sailor she wants to use.

Listen to him talk.

Aye, and he's only seven years old.

There's musical he is.

1914, and George Blod was sent to fight in German East Africa.

He never returned.

Instead, he married a Yubangi lady and settled in a family.

Unintelligent girl, not yet the pretty place.

Heartbroken, Emily went to live at Frinton -on -Sea.

Her many kind friends set up a fund to send little Gavin to Milan, or Paris, or

anywhere.

After all, boys will be boys.

Nescaf. Nescaf.

But, you know, as a child, Gavin was a delicate, sensitive rat. Another highly

strong little boy.

But at this time, he was helping me to write my... My

music for the dance.

Your belly, sweet.

Oh, thank you very much.

Oh,

pardon. After that, you see, he began decomposing all by

himself.

1939. A war clouds were gathering.

In England, young men gallantly answered the call to arms, Gavin Blod with no

exception.

joined the crack fifth foot and mouth regiment.

At ports everywhere, soldiers embarked for the front. On the dockside, crowds

were singing and cheering and laughing because they weren't going.

his love of music into others.

Gavin was tireless in his efforts to entertain his fellow children.

Only escape.

Two days afterward, Germany surrendered and Gavin settled down in Vienna.

You know, during the war, everybody

here in Vienna was poor.

I was poor, my wife was poor, the butler was poor, the maid was poor.

But it was this poverty that brought all the people together.

You would see advertisements in the newspaper saying, Communists with a

and fork wishes to meet capitalists with steak and kidney pudding.

Bravo!

I think that Gavin Blatt came here for the music.

After all, where else but in Vienna would you find music?

Like this.

Played with Dutch.

With such a panache.

Would you mind, musicians?

Will you shut your bloody mouth?

But you know, seriously, I think that the cause of Gavin's

downfall was Maria the opera singer.

Was that a woman?

That's what everybody kept asking. I don't know.

In 1949, Gavin fell in love with opera singer Maria Carlo. It was her voice

first attracted him.

1950.

Gavin returned to England.

He was a wonderful man. He was a wonderful man.

He could play anything.

He would kneel up in the serenade. He would play Finkel's Cave or

Overture of the Hebrides. He played that. I mean, the four Indian love

Amy Woodford Bypass.

I mean,

you could be in a pub with him all night long and he would never even know he

had a penny. It was wonderful.

Mozart and Liszt.

No, he only drank champagne.

And then he wrote this, what they call it, electronic music for the

documentary about the new computerised postal service.

What happened?

He got lost in the post.

In the advent of pop, there was less and less demand for Gavin's kind of music.

Sixty -two, overcome with remorse and chronic fatuous, he took to his bed

he remained for three years.

Did the vicar go on yet? No, it wasn't the vicar. It was the doctor.

I thought he was a bit familiar for a vicar.

You've eaten your bread poultice again, haven't you?

Don't worry, old fellow.

We'll have you on your feet in no time.

I'm going to have a job getting the coffin down these stairs.

And so on May the 12th, 1974, Gavin Blunt died of colic.

And so he never heard the brass band from the village where he was born, just

outside Wedlock, play his tone poem, Bird of Freedom, which perhaps was just

well.

Patrick, would you look at that?

They want drivers, and we can't drive.

And they want typists, and we can't type. And then over here, they want

fellers, and there's only two of us.

Ladies and gentlemen, will you now welcome, please, the enchanting Lee

If you hear music when he's near you and Christmas comes every

day of the year, then you should know why it's the first clue

that the moment of truth is near.

If every time he glances your way, a million bells...

And after one kiss, you yell mayday.

Then the moment of truth.

Oh promise me starts to sing in your ear You're wide awake

all the way home.

How did that make you late?

He wasn't walking very fast.

Look, I'll put out them cookies you made because guess what? What, Mama? You are

going to have a gentleman cola.

A gentleman cola.

I've had gentlemen crawl as tall as before.

Well, Mama, I can marry any man I please.

But you don't please any of them, do you?

Look how you treated that poor Knowerton Short.

Poor Knowerton Short?

Mama, Knowerton Short was not a knower -mower man.

Only his own driving movie.

So as he could look at the wall -to -wall carpet.

He left the people over 70 and free.

Only if they was accompanied by their parents.

business? Were you faithful to him? Mama, I was faithful to Norton Short

times.

Elmer Briggs. Elmer Briggs. Holy cow, Mama. I seen the nice little engagement

ring in the jeweler's window and I said, Elmer, why don't you go buy it? And he

did. Went straight by it.

Now, Elmer was a nice boy.

I like him because you said he was a city slicker. He was a street cleaner.

Well, that's the same thing.

Baby, we just got to get you a rich husband.

We can't go on like this. So when he comes, please be nice to him for Mama.

Mama, it is not me that puts them off. It is you.

Mama, do you remember when you had to drive Jed and me down to the Clambake?

We were sitting in the back of the van, sparking, and all you had to do was

follow the white line down the center of the road.

You had to go and follow a cow that was late for milking.

When we got to the clam bank, you had to go and put an egg in your malted milk.

Well, lots of people have egg in their malted milk, but not fried, Mama.

And then when you seen Jed's poor grandpappy's tombstone there hanging on

that long piece of wire, you had to go and say, I see you got the phone put in.

Do you remember, Mama, when I was a little bitty baby?

If ever I fell down and hurt my knee, I used to come to you, didn't I, Mama? And

I'd say, Mama, can I have a cookie?

And when I lost my tidy buyer and my wooly offender

and my little dollies, I used to come and I'd say, Mama, can I have a cookie?

And then that day when my own dear, sweet, wonderful little pet skunk

I came to you and I said, Mama, can I have a cookie?

And now what? Did you bloody give me one? I don't care. I'm taking them up

Choctaw Ridge because I like to eat them up there.

Don't know why it's so quiet up there. It's like a graveyard.

Child, I never told you this before, but your daddy proposed to me on Choctaw

Ridge. And when I...

How's that voice anywhere?

three daughters are all pregnant and they claim that you are responsible.

Is that true, Lester?

Lester, I do believe you're blushing.

Lester, that is the twelfth time that it's happened this year and it's only

January the fourth.

Lester.

The door, ma 'am.

I have to believe this.

Now, don't rush yourself. You better go and have a lie down. I'll answer it

myself.

nice gentleman would like to see you too.

Wow, Mr.

Arbustnut, my, you look so immaculate, don't he, sissy?

Yeah. Oh, this is my daughter, sissy.

Hi. Not from here, you wink.

Now, why don't you join Mr.

Arbustnut? Why, is he coming to park?

It's a little warm for this time of the year.

It sure as hell is. Well, I'm sweating like a horse's armpit.

know who wanted to marry my daughter, Sissy? Only the mayor.

He was corrupt.

I seen him in church on Sunday. So did I. He crept into the crypt.

Corrupt.

And then he crept out again.

Stamps, Mama.

Holy cow, Odyssey and Eek, that's the first time I've ever seen Sparks come

of a knife and fork.

And do you know another thing?

One time he put his false teeth in upside down, ate half his head for a

something.

You know, we used to call him Vesuvius on account of he was always belching and

dropping ash all over the place.

I guess you two young 'uns would like to be left alone. Yeah, sure as hell

would. Why do you keep scratching yourself?

Because I'm the only one who knows where it itches.

Why didn't you mind the mayor?

On account of a name he called me.

What name was that?

Well, I don't rightly remember, but I know it began with a B.

Was it beautiful?

No, it wasn't beautiful.

Baby? No, it wasn't baby.

It wasn't? No, it wasn't.

And it began with a B.

Oh, I remember now.

Honey.

My, but you're an interesting and exciting little critter, ain't you?

I'm a little shy.

Well, ugly little four -eyed skinny baldy shrimp like you ought to have more

time for that.

If I got a tablet picture of me, I'll look like a monkey.

You should have thought of that before you had it taken.

Oh, I thought of... I thought of... Yeah, I thought of...

Yeah. Hmm.

Oh, ain't no two ways about it. You sure are ugly little critter, ain't you?

Well, I didn't ask to be born.

You didn't want to stay where you were, did you?

Did you now?

No, I didn't. Okay, then. Listen, listen, listen.

Someone left the gas on. What's going on? What? I have a very important

I want to ask.

Then hold everything just there.

Hey, Mama, I think we hooked a skinny little shrimp.

Mississippi.

has been gone three years.

She ought to be there by now.

But I've been faithful.

I think adultery is just as wicked as murder. Don't you agree, Sissy?

I don't know. I ain't never killed no one myself.

Mrs. Chippy, will you marry me?

Me? I thought you wanted to marry Sissy here.

What? That great ugly lump?

I wouldn't kiss her with a set of boned lips.

Well, I have never been so insulted in all my life.

That's because you don't get around enough.

Why... Why, of course I'll marry you.

But what's going to happen to my little girl? Don't worry about me, Mama. I know

who I'm going to marry. Hey, Lester!

Child! Are you out of your cotton -picking mind, Mary Lester?

Why, he can't breathe.

I know that.

And he can't write.

I know that. And he can't even speak proper.

I know that.

Well, what in heaven's name can he do?

I quickly remember that last week's winner was Peter Potti and his

pig.

He will not be going on to our all -winner show on February 31st, as last

he had a rather lean week and had to eat the act.

But his place will be taken by the act that came in second, that very talented

soprano from Cardiff, Arthur Treader.

And so we come to our last act this evening. They come from British West

They are all related to each other. They've done two cabal performances on

Woolwich Ferry.

They've appeared in front of the President of the United Dairies. And

the versatile Beckwoods.

That was great.

And let's meet the youngest member of the family.

Could I have a chair, please?

Thank you. Why don't you throw it on?

Hello, my little man.

What's your name?

They call me Jolly Jack.

Ta. You're welcome.

Never mind about that, then.

Tell me, anyone at home like you?

Yes, three brothers.

Daddy Mere.

Igor. Tell me, were your parents Russian?

No, they just took their time.

Never mind about that then.

Cormis, if I told you you had a lovely figure, would you hold it against me?

Never mind about that then.

I hope she never gets a cold in the chest.

It won't want to go.

Never mind about that then. What are you going to do with that?

I am going to drink this beer. And what am I going to do while you're drinking?

alphabet recite the alphabet incotical whether

it's incotical or impossible or not right ready off

you go right a b c

On with the show.

Here we go. Thank you.

A little bit of magic now.

A little bit of magic for the... That's the idea. Right, get off.

Here we are.

Here we are.

Right.

Don't worry, children.

The quickness of the iron deceives that of the eye.

that lovely cat dog or you know that little toy bear I've probably cost you

quite a lot of money in any big store over Christmas with just a few little

ordinary party balloons put it down put it down

put it down

Yeah, nice long straight, buddy.

Any of the big stores?

There we are.

There's the leg. There's the neck. Here's the rat leg.

All we want now is his front leg. Give me his leg.

One thin one. Thin one.

One thin one, which we think they were free.

Thin one.

Right.

That's the idea.

And there we have a lovely toy that has probably cost you...

have the worth of our adventure.

Now, are they going to beat tonight's winner so far, who is happy bats with

Well, we'll soon find out as we go for Mark's presentation,

Ted Ray.

Ha ha! Well, you know, I come from a large family myself.

Well, 14 of us, really.

We used to put Mother on a pedestal. We had her to keep her away from Father.

But I must say, I like the tiny fellow.

Reminded me of my father, Arthur Askey. Arthur Askey. He's a nice little thing.

Has he really? I didn't know that.

No, I thought they were very good. Well done. And they should be. Now, how about

you, Vicky Vogt?

Uh, yeah.

Well, I think their singing and their dancing was interesting and exciting.

Their acting was quite nice, quite refreshing. Actually, terrific.

But, um, you know, I've handled them all.

Beatles, I've handled them.

And, uh, Milliken and Nesbitt, I've handled them. And Kathy Kirby? No, I've

never handled them.

I've never represented her, you know, but I think a very good actress should

a long way.

The sooner they start, the better.

Clifford Davis.

Well, now, I do know a little bit about magic myself.

Now you see it, now you don't. Now you see it, now you don't. Now you see it,

now you don't?

Sounds like a nudist rolling down a hill.

I thought the magician was perhaps just a tiny bit unlucky.

I think if he'd just cut a lady in half, he'd have probably got the half that

eats.

But all in all, no, jolly good. I give them nine.

Tony Hatch?

Yeah. Well, you know, I like to play whenever I possibly can, but I still

that in this case. I mean, that woman who sang, she had rather a peculiar

for a woman.

Or a man.

Or a camel.

But, I mean, she could sing on What's My Line for a couple of hours and still

fool them.

It seems to me that she's trying to emulate Cilla Black.

I'm not absolutely sure that the world's ready for another Cilla Black.

I'm not even sure they were ready for the first.

Right,

now, well, that makes quite a lot.

Now, that's for content, Ted. Well, I believe in life, liberty, and the

of record wealth.

Vicki Boast.

No, I'd only give him half that.

Six.

Smith and Davis.

They were worth more than that.

Four.

How about you, Tony Hatch? Two.

Well, that makes around 30.

Well, somewhere around.

Oh,

I think definitely six.

Vicky Boat?

Well, I'd like to give the little old man three, give the old bird two, and

little blonde, I'd like to give her one.

I mean, I'd like to give her one. I'd like her to have one, like.

Make her eight in all.

What do you say, Clifford?

I thought the contortionist was perhaps stretching things a little bit too far,

but that's only one way of looking at it.

All in all, a resounding success. Congratulations.

Give them three.

Toby Hatch, are you feeling any more generous?

Well, I got up at seven this morning, and I came here at seven, and it's

seven of them in the act, so I'll give them two.

It is in all 101, so Happy Max is still the winner with 107.

Thank you.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Bless you.

Thank you for joining us and we look forward to seeing you all again very,

soon. Until then, bye bye.

Let's go back home.

Thank you.