Original subtitles

A boy. A boy. I've got a little boy. A little boy. Mr. Stone, it isn't a boy.

It's a girl.

And will you please let go of my finger?

Yes, it's the Benny Hill Show. And here is Benny Hill.

Dearly beloved brethren, we have got it here tonight to make money.

You know, it was our own dear Lord who said, and I'm inclined to agree with

that the meek shall inherit the earth.

Now, if the meek are going to inherit the earth, what are the single men going

to get?

Tell you what they're going to get, they're going to get married, because

everybody wants to be something different nowadays.

Poor men wish they were rich.

Rich men wish they were handsome.

Single men wish they were married, and married men wish they were dead.

So single men take warning before... Let me tell you something. She made it like

a million dollars now, but in 20 years' time, she's still like a million

dollars. In loose change.

So before she takes you down that path to the gallows, down the aisle to the

altar, think of the aisle, think of the altar, think of the hymn.

Because if she looks at you, that's what she's thinking.

I'll alter him.

Let me tell you something.

Nature gave woman eyes like the stars, a complexion like silk, and a mouth like

a rosebud.

He stuck a tongue in it and spoke the whole damn thing.

You know three wise monkeys?

You know which one's married?

Right!

Drew, my wife, can hold three billion balls in her mouth without making a

cannon.

And she smiles. She gets lipstick on her ears.

I can read her like a book. I wish I could shut her up the same way.

In fact, another thing. You know how to tell a married man in a bar?

Always turns his back when he opens his wallet.

That's true, that is.

My wife said to me the other day, she said, I want three new dresses.

I said, what would a woman want for three new dresses? She said, three new

How about that?

My grandmother was an old gorilla.

And as he lay dying, he called me to his bedside, and just before he sold me his

washing chain, he said to me, Always remember, a dead bird never falls out of

its nest.

And I never forgot that.

I never found out what I had him in, but I never forgot it. He used to say, Help

your enemies that'll confuse the hell out of them.

And my grandmother would say, It's the little things in life that hurt. You can

sit on top of a mountain, but you can't sit on...

One day she broke her leg, so we shot her.

But ladies and gentlemen, nobody's wrong all the time.

Even the clock that don't go is right twice a day.

Believe me, one of these days all your worries and troubles will be over and

your country of Britain will be great again.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. Very nice to be with you once again.

And we're starting off tonight with some more of those terrible moments of

television from the studios of the world.

And so is the cake mixture ready for the cake and ready for the bacon.

Let's lift the bacon off to try one.

We can have the bacon in the oven.

Enough!

And for better machen der Kekkemixtur, du musst hatten eine... Eine Ecke.

Eine Ecke. Eine neuen Lebensegge.

And that is from England. That is a cheddar cheese.

That is the best cheese in the whole world.

Have you seen the soap?

Welcome

to

the Hello Hair studio.

Hello, Marlo. Your hair looks very nice.

Thank you.

But I do have trouble with my...

What you need is... What you need is balanced action.

We'll soon put that right.

What I'm going to do now is to give Marlowe some soft curls over this ear

some more soft curls over that... There.

Here, here, there.

And you'll soon see how it has a hold with...

hold her.

What I'm going to do now is to brush Marlowe's hair with

gentle downward strokes and keeping it with an even, keeping it

nice and even so that the hair falls in nice natural

strokes.

I'm going to spray the back of her hair downwards. I always spray downwards.

shaving cream. I've been looking for that everywhere.

Oh, but I take it daily, Kiernan.

Yes,

we have in here...

to how to make a decent omelette.

Johnny, tell me, what do you think of omelette?

Omelette? Yes.

To be or not to be.

That is the question.

And this is the answer.

But if you have nothing enough to go around, if you have nothing enough to go

around, what can you do?

Yes, I guarantee I'll smack you in the middle and we'll all get some.

But today they are an integral part of our big city nightlife.

I refer to the... I refer to the

escort agency.

Well, for a price, you could have that special evening with someone

charming.

and amicably disposed to your ever ephemeral whim.

Most escort agencies supply only girls, but the Scuttle escort agency also

supplies men.

Good evening, sir. Good evening, viewers.

Good evening, Mr. Scuttle.

Now, Mr. Scuttle, if a lady came to you and said that she wanted a night of

excitement, glamour...

Sensuality and unforgettable ecstasy.

If

she

wanted all these things... Yes, sir.

Not necessarily, sir.

I could do mine.

Quite a few days' notice.

No, sir. First of all, sir, I would send her jewels.

Oh, expensive jewels.

No, it's very reasonable jewels.

Oh, Jules.

Yes, sir.

Jules. Avoir du poids acroid.

He's French. Half French.

By a friend of his father's. Yes, sir.

Tell me, is he bilingual?

I believe some of them are, sir.

I could find out if you require it.

Personally, sir, I think that Homo sapiens and Lebanese should be left to

own devices, sir. I mean, he earns his money, that's the main thing. And they

all do, sir. Some of the women that come in here for the fellas, sir.

There's one woman comes in here for jewels, sir. Well, I tell you, if Moses

seen her face, there'd have been another commandment, sir.

Lots of women.

But with her, it's natural.

She's got sunken cheeks, shallow eyeballs, deep dimples and a cleft chin.

When she smiles, her old face caves in.

Not a pretty sight, though, no.

But she's loaded. Most nights, she is.

She's potty about jewels, you know. They all are. They look jewels. Tell me,

tell me, what is it that he has that the others haven't got?

Nothing really, sir. Just got it grouped better, sir.

It's not easy to put your finger on it, really, sir.

How can you define me in tangerine, sir?

It's a lot of things, sir. It's the casual way he lollops about,

picking his tooth with a fork.

Then again, sir, when cross -legged, it's that little expanse of dainty flesh

that he reveals towards the bottom of his...

boiler suit and the top of his clogs.

In a word, sir, I would say charm. Pure, unadulterated charm, sir. And a great

lover. He taught himself.

Yes, he did, sir. And at the end of night, end of the evening, sir, he gives

every lady a long -stemmed rose, sir, with a handwritten love poem attached.

Ah, the pen is mightier than the sword.

And easier to write with as well, sir.

Yes. Top a load of this.

Pray do not crush my buds as you hold them, or the stalk that is hanging

beneath.

Place them instead next to your bed, in the glass where you keep your false

teeth.

Gets you there, doesn't it, sir? Gets you there as well, but mostly there.

Mind you, not all women go for these handsome, rugged, Romeo, good -looking

types, you know. Well, all good -looking men are conceited. I'm not, sir.

You see, sometimes they like someone they can mother, you see. We send little

Jackie along.

They love him, sir. He's got a little boy lost look. They look a complete

disillusionment, sir. Like Malcolm Allison watching Crystal Palace, you

How do the ladies get hold of your Lotharios?

Not as often as I'd like to.

And very carefully. They choose carefully.

I parade them and the ladies choose. Would the viewers like to see?

I'm sure they would like to see. Would you stand back, sir?

I say,

stand by, lad.

Yes,

your calca shows.

There they are. Come on, lad.

I'd kiss your little hand, madam, to show that I'm high class.

And though I'd kiss your hand, madam... I'd rather kiss... Here, wait a minute.

Get him, will you? I'm very sorry. Mark!

Mark!

You sound like a dog with no roof to its mouth. Mark, no. Come on, you great

funder. He's around behind.

He's around front as well, sir. Would you like to meet the boss? Come along.

This is little Johnny, sir. There he is. Look, he's blushing, sir. He's only 27,

sir. He's shy.

About 30 years?

Yes. The thing is, sir, quite honestly, he has only just come out of the

Merchant Navy and he doesn't know much about the opposite sex, sir.

I don't think he knows which is the opposite sex.

Yes.

They're the ones that go backwards when you dance.

You see, he's burning.

All the time studying. This one over here.

There he is. He is our witch.

Now, you see, we can provide escorts for any occasion, sir.

Well, Mr. Scuttle, I'm now going to put your claims to the test. I would like

for tonight someone young, charming, attractive, gay.

I don't suppose any of them four.

No, no, no, no, no. I had a woman in mind.

Did you?

When was this?

Oh, sir, don't worry, because we have an even better selection of young ladies.

Because some of the fellas that come here, some of the punters, you know,

Oh, they've got some peculiar taste. They have little peccadillos.

I had heard, sir. I had heard.

That's our ladies. Here they come, sir.

Our lovely, glamorous maid. Look at that.

Look at that little lot there, eh? Hang on. Bella!

Come on, love.

Come on!

You stand as much chance as the others. Come on, love. Yes!

He wants a talkie, girl. He wants to have a bit of fun. Back to the hotel.

Bit of fun. Have it. Anyone you like, sir. Take your pick, sir. Anyone you

Stop crying, stop crying. I'll take you.

Oh, what a wise choice, sir.

And I'm not just saying that because she's my wife, sir.

She is the best here, and I can tell you that with great conviction, sir. Yes,

50 pounds, sir. 50 pounds? She is the best. She's the deluxe night out, sir.

there we are. Thank you very much, sir. That's lovely. Now, now, now, stop

crying, stop crying. Look, out of all those girls, you're the one I picked.

molesting here. I'm talking to her, not you.

Herman,

it's

called Hawaii.

Miriam, I keep telling you the name of the place. It's Hawaii.

It's Hawaii.

It's Hawaii.

Pardon me, sir. Would you mind telling us, is this place called Hawaii or

Hawaii? Hawaii.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Don't forget that the first prize is a seat next to Brian Clough to watch

Brighton play at home.

The second prize is two seats next to Brian Clough to watch Brighton play at

home.

Well, see then if you agree with our judges as they pick their goalkeeper of

year. Is it A, Ginger Tompkins?

You really need a huge gas.

Is it Goldie Dee, Willie Grover of Bristol City Rovers?

Walter Guy from British West Hampton, the ex -ballet dancer, ex -male model.

Off we go.

Magnets and kick. And here in the goal is the people.

Saved by Walter Guy of British West Hampstead. He is the people all the

thousands have come to. And another magnificent goal.

Walter Guy.

Walter Guy.

He really is absolutely incredible in goal. And now he's doing a little father

-to -father.

And another magnificent goal.

Well, after due deliberation and much soul -searching, the judges have decided

that the goalkeeper of the year is Jim. Tompkins.

And here to present the prize is none other than our old friend, Geordie Peck.

It gives me great pleasure to present this trophy to you and to place it in

hands which have often been considered as safe as a bank of ends.

Do you want to marry my daughter, Ella May?

I sure do.

You know, she's 15 years old.

But she looks 12.

That's true.

Thank you. And ladies and gentlemen, my next

guest is without a doubt.

So will you welcome with the hottest band in town, the delightful Judith

We've just captured some more of you Nazis.

They've all got Pellioses.

That's nice to know.

In beginning these... Go, go, go, go, go. It's all right, it's all right. Now,

look here, you fellas.

Let's be honest with each other, shall we?

You're not going to try and escape from here.

Fitzcastle, aren't we?

Yes, we are.

So, you play ball with me and I'll play

ball with you.

Now then, let's have a little looky -look in my booky -book.

Booky -book?

Ich denke, Herr Major, ist ein Puck.

Is that puff a major?

That puff is a colonel.

Look, under the arm is the baton.

What does he know how to do with the baton?

And what does he know how to do with the baton? He knows how to stick it on the

jumper.

Do you know how to stick it on the jumper, the big baton?

The whole little jumper.

Not on your Nelly, not our beloved colonel.

sir, how happy and delighted he is to be working under such a foot actionist as

your good self, sir.

Make a little shine, sir. Make a little shine. Make a little sunshine.

Now, look here, Captain Stuck.

I decided to hold you.

Thank you, sir.

Personally... That's even better.

Responsible. Oh, thank you, sir. Any attempt to escape your...

before on a diet of bread and water.

Oh, extra rations. Goodie, goodie, goodie, goodie.

That's nice, that's nice. We must find a hole.

Ghost! Ghost!

I am the escaping officer.

And what I said, the ghost.

Yes, yes. But do you have a hole?

Do I have a hole?

I have a good hole.

The best hole in the whole world. Look, my hole is there.

But that is too small.

But you see, in the next hole there is the safe box. And in the safe box, so

here, is the key from the gross gate.

One door, and we are free.

Free as the air.

Hole,

hole, schnell, Arbeit, dummkopf.

Schnell, schnell, schnell.

Komm, setzen, setzen, setzen.

Now then.

we shall speak in only the English that is being spoken by the British people in

the privy of their own folk.

Do you understand?

Ja, ja, ja. Nein!

Yes, yes.

But why should you, the escape officer, be? Because I, the best man for the job,

am.

I was the only man to escape from the Minsky prison in Moscow under the nose

the Kremlin himself.

Men found escaping from that prison are dragged through the streets by the

Bolsheviks.

And then they are incarcerated in the same cell that they put

Lenin.

Lenin.

Lenin. Leninin.

Leninin. Stalininin. All those. I was in the elite panzer division. I was in the

airborne commandos. I thought you were the crooked cologne.

Get out, you pig.

That is us in the house here. There is the closed gate. We open the gate and

outside we get on a bus. It will be a dirty one.

Why should it be a dirty one?

Because the only bus that comes past here is a number dirty one.

you will board a train.

Do not attract attention.

Act naturally on the train. If you feel like a slash, have a slash in the

compartment, slash on the deep, slash on the floor.

If you can manage it, slash on the ceiling.

And when people see you, wave your knife about in your hand, and they will think

you are football supporter.

And give them in conversation witty bandage, such as words like, watcha me

cock sparrow.

And go and get connoted.

Go and get stew fake.

Give us a kiss and show us your knickers.

I put

my hand in. Yeah.

Yeah. I have the handle. I turn the handle.

Captain, stop!

Ja, ich bin hier, Herr Colonel.

That was never a penalty!

Never! Never!

Ladies and gentlemen, will you

welcome three lovely young ladies who sing with one voice.

Which is pretty smart, because the other two...

radio waiting for my favorite song when they played

I'd sing along it made me smile

those were such happy times not so long

ago how I wondered where they'd gone

Just like before if yesterday

And the good times that I had Makes today seem rather

sad So much has changed It's the

songs of love that I would sing to them And I'd memorize each word

Every shing -a -ling -a -ling that has gotten to be so fine.

All my best memories come back clearly to me.

Some can even make me cry.

Just like before.

It's yesterday once more.

with $200 in it. Yeah, sure as hell did.

$200. What did you do about it?

I put an advert in the lost and found column of the Budapest News.

Hey, Paul, can I go out to play?

What, with them hos in your trousers?

No, Paul, with the kids across the street.

Thanks so much, Abney.

Well, I reckon it's cheaper than sending a wife to a beauty parlor.

Desperado y tú, tú contestando Quizás,

quizás, quizás

Now we sing for you one beautiful song all about a boy who says my girl is like

my guitar because she have a pretty little white ears a long slim white neck

Lovely shoulders, a slim waist, and he loved her very, very much.

Some say it's from Venezuela,

where one night on the deck of a whaler, a drunken and barefooted sailor tried

to put out a fag with his feet.

Some say that it's Mexico City, where the girls all parade in their pretties.

I'd like to get hold of their ditties, but they stink because they're terribly

sweet. A dirty old man one day with his band splashed mud over Lolita's knee.

She said, heavens above.

And he said, I know, love, but I've got to get back for my tea.

Oh, you'll never find hairs on a duck egg, but you'll always find hairs on an

ape. And it's only the hairs on a gooseberry that stop it from being a

to his kitchen.

Said to his landlord, Mr. Plum, have you corn on the cob? And he said, I have

not, but I do have a boil on my thumb.

My lolo, he just crossed up Paris with a crocodile. He calls it Roy.

He takes it up and begs a bit off his leg and said, no, the saucy boy.

We buried poor Fred because he was dead. His favourite sermon was read out.

But his half -sister Maud said she couldn't afford a knife stone, so they

left his head out.

There was a young man from Caracas who was lurking around like a jackass. Then

he slipped and fell on his maracas, which promptly brought tears to his

if your name is Harton or Larton or Martin or Barton...

I have a lovely bunch of coconuts.

Please don't blame our doggie. It's not his fault at all.

Someone left a wet umbrella standing in the hall.

Why is it cemeteries always have walls? It's silly beyond a doubt. The people

outside don't want to go in and the people inside can't get out.

Arsenal 27, Real Madrid 0.

Now the landlord of the Green Dragon says his lodging house is the best.

To kid you, he's got central heating. He answers the door in his bed.

Every night he's out dancing, but for him it is terribly cheap.

Because he drinks vodka and Horlicks, when he's concerned to pay, he's asleep.

Now I once had to share a bedroom with a holiday maker who snored.

My wife said, he'll keep you awake all night. You are bound to be bored.

I said, never fear, I have an idea. So after I switched out the light, before I

went to sleep, I kissed him on the cheek and he stayed awake all night.

where my wife had had more than a fill.

A man stood rotating a chicken on a flaming hot infrared grill.

She started up to him and shouted with a voice just like a downed crier.

She said, Hey, mate, your barrel organ is broken. What's more, your monkey's on

fire.

Thank you.