Original subtitles

Darling, there's a very important question I want to ask you.

I want you to be my...

Be my...

Gondor.

Gondor?

Gondor. Oh, that's not right, Ray.

M. Barrister.

The wisest man I ever knew had a cottage outside Loo.

His name was David Alexander Kidd. It was David who predicted the world would

end in 1960.

And for David Alexander Kidd it did.

He was round his grocers, Mr.

Spicer, playing with his bacon slicer.

A lovely girl with great big knuckles.

of his hand.

He picked it up and ran to see the famous surgeon, Dr.

Pugh. He said, can you sew it back again?

He said, of course I can, my friend. But first of all, you'll have to pay 2 ,000

quid. He said, I can't afford to pay.

He said, in that case, good day. Push off home.

That's what David did.

As he passed the water mill, he glanced up at the hill to where the Chapel of

St. Levi used to stand.

He was stitching up a tear and sewing with such care, David said, Father,

you sew my hand back on?

He said, there is nothing in God's plan that is beyond the scope of man.

But first of all, you must have faith, my son.

So while faith held his thumb, David sat down while his chum

stitched back his hand, just like it was before.

It's a miracle!

The priest just smiled with humble pride.

Humble pride?

As he saw him disappear across the moor. When Dave got back to his street, who

should he chance to meet but the wicked profiteering Dr.

Pew? Dave said, look what faith has done for me.

Ah, and done it all for free. So Dr.

Pew...

Like a native.

with her personal drummer, El Sidney, Diana Darby.

Well,

look at our energy, eh?

This kid can jump three feet straight up in the air.

Four is to catch her right.

Last night she's out sowing the wild oats. This morning she's praying for a

failure.

The only two can live as cheap as one is a horse and a sparrow.

Think about it.

My philosophy is live every day as if it was your last.

Because one day you'll be right.

I'm after something.

If I come home late, she thinks I've had it.

She's right.

Then you'll know that everything is going to be just like it used to be.

My wife has got a figure like a Venus.

Pencil.

She has always a charm of a temporary filling.

I'd kick her in the mouth, but why should I improve her looks?

I've heard of girls who walk home from rides.

She rides home from walks.

Last night she came home, being out driving with the producer, came in one

shoe. I said, how come you got one muddy shoe? She said, I changed my mind.

It's a very simple story that I tell, and it's half as old as time.

Once upon a time there were two Chinamen.

Now look how many.

The romance of a boy and girl and whispered words that mean I love you.

Yes, did the wife go out and see if it's raining? She says, call the dog in and

see if it's wet.

Not even in my wildest dreams could I imagine that we'll never

fall. You know who's got no imagination?

The parents of Ephraim Symbolus Jr.

Some days to myself he has won and all my lovely daydreams will come true.

Woke up this morning, had a cup of coffee with two lumps, the wife and her

mother.

If you have a row with your wife at breakfast time, settle it by using

psychology. Smack her in her mouth, it would have a grapefruit.

Not only will it settle the argument, but you'll be given her vitamin C as

Oh, God, this kid comes from Spain.

She came across with 50 sailors before she left.

Unfortunately, they work for the other side.

But the BBC?

A certain eastern power shall be nameless.

Russia!

They have in their possession the entire plan of the next NATO exercise.

A microfilm no bigger than a postage stamp.

But how do you read it? You lick it and stick it on your eyeball.

Get it back before it falls into the hands of...

You know who?

Russia.

He keeps it in a snuffbox. A snuffbox?

A small, anti -pagnetic, bulletproof, silver snuffbox.

Now, he knows what you look like, but being a master of disguise, I'm sure

won't worry you, my friend.

Ha, ha, ha.

Skipper, sounds to me like a job for...

So realistic, the costume, you know.

I mean, even the shape. Even the shape of you.

person, do you?

Search him thoroughly.

Search him?

Why waste time? I'm sure I haven't got it on him.

Well, you can't be sure, can you? I mean, I... You don't know until you have

little fear about something. I mean, you don't... No. I might have it. Very

well. I might have it on me. You might know. I mean, I might.

Nothing there?

Thank you very much.

I believe our second love is second to none.

Thank you.

It is an honor and a pleasure.

It's an honor and a pleasure for us. That's what I meant.

Nearly all your films star men rather than women. Are you against actresses?

as often as I'd like to be.

But personally, I think it

all stems back to the days when I made my first cowboy film.

after your queen, Victoria.

And not so damn long after, either.

But, oh, God, she was big.

I mean, everybody's entitled to be big, but she abused the privilege. She was

big!

36 inches!

Each one!

Oh, God, she couldn't sing, she couldn't dance, she couldn't act.

What could she do? With difficulties...

leg because the Indians were chasing him. They hated him, you know. They

him from three pictures back.

I'll show you how much. And she was cradling his head between here anyway.

My God, he thought he'd gone deaf.

Looked like a porn girl.

the producer's niece.

Oh, I see. She got her job through relatives.

So did your queen.

Anyway, we got her a Stetson and a Spurs and a hop -along

chastity belt. She looked like a cowgirl. And we got a few little... You

She looked like a cowgirl. She looked more like a girl cow.

But fortunately, on the film, we had a hero who was an ex -Marine.

God, he was gorgeous.

And in a very old sort of way, you understand.

And he was very butch. And I remember he was built like a brick shipyard. He

really was.

He won the Golden Gloves, you know, the tournament.

They were gorgeous. They came up to here.

And he was so witty. And I shall never forget the first time I met him in the

Hollywood office there. I said, where's the water cooler?

He said, in the last...

Gorgeous boy you really are.

You made several films with W .C. Field. I made his first color film. That was

Lulu Bell with Mae West.

Well, we have a clip. Oh, wonderful.

Oh,

tender. Give me two fingers of red eye, will you?

Thank you.

Medicinal purposes only, I understand.

But the two fingers don't go any more.

Thank you, sonny. You remembered.

Say, how's the wife?

Better than nothing, I guess.

Young man, I have just been involved in a fracas.

Veritable montage of fisticuffs.

Who was you fighting, Mr. Little John?

You heard of Mark McGooley's? The Milwaukee Mauler?

Why, sure.

His mother.

Uh, yes, I did.

I did, you know.

But I kicked her.

Hard. That must have hurt.

No, it didn't. I had my boots on.

Nearly stomped my great toe.

Well, hello there, handsome.

Yeah, why, don't think ye hossified as I live and breathe heavily.

I haven't seen a thing like that since I was weaned.

I've a little job, ma 'am.

Well, we all have.

I've had the pleasure.

Then you don't know what you're missing.

Yeah. Her name's Angelica.

Angelica!

Oh, what are you from this Appalachian?

My friends call me Angel for short.

But not for long.

And it's true what they say about you, ma 'am. You're a scarlet woman. You're

cheap. You're common. You're promiscuous. You're permissive.

I like that in a girl.

my eager lips against your dainty digits.

What are you trying to do? Dig my diamonds up with your nose?

I haven't had a hell like that since last night.

Yeah, four aces and a king.

Playing poker.

Put that hand back in the goldfish bowl, will you, dear? Watch it, Sonny.

Sonny, why, ma 'am, I'll have you know I'm not a fuddy -duddy. I'm not a moon

-calf. Have you known my father was a mare?

What was your mother?

A jockey?

Well, have you known my father fought the last of the Mojicoans?

My father made the Brooklyn Bridge. My father made the Empire State Building.

What did your father ever make?

Look me over, big boy.

Look me over.

Yeah. Now, go on up to my room. I've got you both on.

Follow me?

So long, boys.

Get a load of that walk.

Yeah, reminds me. Let's get the watch fixed.

You

have

a reputation for being unconventional and for doing your own thing. Oh, well,

believe you should do your own thing.

I've always felt that, you know.

Because, I mean, sometimes if Bruce and I want to have a martini, you know, we

just have one. I mean, we don't even fly the seaplanes down to Little Island or

anything.

Oh,

sometimes when I'm feeling reckless, I have after eight minutes at seven o

'clock.

And in your sequel to the Carol Baker film, Baby Doll, you've reversed the

roles, and the woman child becomes a man child, and you've called it Baby Boy.

Baby Boy. Oh, and the lead in this, this boy, is gorgeous.

Oh, he's gorgeous. Well, we have a closing scene from Baby Boy, and good

and thank you, Mr. Spieler.

Great honor.

recognize that boy's underwear.

Uncle Rastor.

If not so, Uncle Rastor, if you're intended Lucy Comfort, let me in.

I can't let you into my booty wall on account of I'm wearing my pajama.

security blanket here and i'm gonna trip over to the door and i'm gonna let you

in and when i say come in i'm gonna unlock it when i say come in you can

and

I ought to be sitting on my bed anyway because I don't believe in that sort of

thing. We're not before marriage anyway.

And ain't none too sure about afterwards either.

But, baby boy, I can't wait forever. I'm a -getting old.

You sure are. Still ain't none of us getting any younger. I should be 20

tomorrow.

Ain't none of us getting any older either.

Ain't you got me nothing by birthday?

Yeah. I bought you some knives.

you a new tape.

He got nice wavy hair. Well, I got nice wavy hair.

Well, he got strong white teeth. Well, I got strong white teeth.

Well, he got brains and intelligence.

Well, I got strong white teeth.

Well, if my daddy was here, he'd horse whip you. Haven't he had a horse?

Your daddy.

Your daddy.

That's all you talk about is your daddy. I don't reckon you never had a mammy. I

did so too have a mammy.

Just don't like to think of her, that's all.

I just don't like to remember that night when she was stood on the railroad

track and the rain was coming down and the wind and the howling.

I said, Mammy, move, Mammy, move.

And the train was getting nearer and nearer. The trains were running then.

And I said, Mammy, Mammy. I said, move, Mammy, and the train's getting nearer

and nearer. And the winds are howling. She's just staring out into space like

she was deranged.

I could hear this train a -getting near, and I said, Mammy, move.

Mammy, please, it's your little baby crying. The train's getting nearer. And

said, Mammy, move! Move!

Move!

What happened?

She moved.

Baby boy, won't you ever grow up?

Don't!

I told you before, that's ironed a pie under the

chair.

Baby boy? Don't do that. Oh, sorry.

Don't you even know what a grown -up is?

Well, a grown -up is me taking your hand like this.

I put my arm around you like this.

And I kiss you like this.

Would Mr. and Mrs. Dobbs come in now, please?

Come along, dear.

You got here all right, then?

You come to court my daughter or buy my spotted hog?

Will you sell your spotted hog? Nope. Then I come to court your daughter.

A very shy and sensitive youth.

promised to take me for a stay in his boat tonight.

You want to watch him go?

He'll get halfway across Broadstairs Bay and he'll run out of wind.

No, that's something he'll never do.

You're just jealous.

Because you don't know no nobles. Don't know no nobles?

My sister got Earl coming round this evening.

I bet he's not a belter, Dale.

He will be if my old man catches him.

What's up with him? Yeah, don't take notes of him. He's got no sense of

They hanged his father this morning.

Here, Harry.

Yeah? You coming up to Jaston Tournament tonight?

No, them Jaston Tournaments are all fixed tonight.

Now, look.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well... Yeah.

That's the only exercise you ever get.

Look, you're assuming... You're assuming that the attractive one of them two

will go for the attractive one of us two.

No, I'll fix your go for you, mate.

I've got a human being for the same price. Good night. Hi, darling.

Hello, love. How you going on? All right, eh?

Yeah, how'd you like to be May Queen this year? I can fix it for you. I know

Lord Morley and the judges.

It's got ears on it.

I was Miss Bumstopper last year.

That don't surprise me.

My mum says I've got the kind of face that turns men red. You don't do their

stomachs any good either.

I've got the figure of a 19 -year -old girl.

Well, give it back. You'll get it all wrinkled.

Here, listen. I'll tell you what, darling. It's a fancy little dance.

up the finish green and have a jig around the maypole.

Or the Omen Colonial, if you prefer.

Yeah, he was so amazing, he could sing.

He could sing and play the lute. Go on, Harry, give him a song.

They don't hear me sing. We do!

No, you don't hear me sing. Come on!

No, you don't hear me sing.

Oh, right, then if he doesn't... If you really want to hear me sing, then here

we go.

Squire Pitt locked his wife in a chastity belt, then climbed up on his

But he left the key with the footman, lest he was killed in the war. Up at the

window he saw the footman, waving frantically.

He said, Squire Fitz, this key doesn't fit. And he said, you're telling me.

Oh, monkeys, flunkies, armadillos too.

Brown tits, blue tits, a little cockatoo. Isn't that a donkey dish you

before the... Charm, isn't it? Isn't that lovely? Please sing with me.

Yes, I've been looking for a boy like you.

You've got a musical bent.

A musical bent what?

You've got talent.

Those hands will one day find gold.

And by the look of your nails, you've started digging already.

Just stick by me and I'll make you top troubadour of the country. All you need

is a group of glee singers with pudding face and haircut, a sackbuck, a viola, a

pisticoto, and not to mention a quadrille. A quadrille? I said not to

quadrille.

And pretty soon you'll be rich.

Half a million. What do you get out of it? Fifty percent of the loot. Oh,

not cutting my loot in half.

Oy vey.

Well, if any factor left the way he followed, cheer for me.

But found that fame and fortune did not come easily.

Off you go.

Right -o, Sir Lou.

She is so fine, she is so fair. I'd follow my lady anywhere.

My life, it shouldn't happen to two dogs.

One dog couldn't handle it.

And I could have showed you. Oh, I forgot about that. Yeah. Uh, hello,

My name is, uh, Harris Sigmund. Uh -huh, uh -huh. Oh, yeah.

I'm all like, I keep going like, uh -huh, uh -huh. I don't know before I go

this. Uh -huh, uh -huh. Ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba

-ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba

-ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba

-ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -

I've got a lot of malady all the way to Memphis.

What's happening anywhere?

Oh, yeah, but... That's good.

Now, look, don't forget that sullen, underprivileged look.

And the yodel.

And the kick in the air.

though sorry and whatever you do don't comb your hair and pretty soon you'll be

ready for the big time

We look forward to seeing you all again very, very soon. Until then, bye -bye,

but we're going to leave you with something especially for the ladies.

Thank you very much indeed, Bert. That's number 18, Bert Flann.

And last, but by no means least, ladies and gentlemen, is number 19, Ivor Biggin

from Mill Hill.

Ivor comes in a shape of 43, 43, 43.

His ambition is to be a straight actor.

His favorite spectator sport is football.

In his spare time, he likes to meet unusual people.

His favorite holiday resort is Greece.

And his favourite day wear is the casual look.

That, then, is Ivor.

So, you're Ivor Biggin from Mill Hill.

No. I'm Ivor Mill from Biggin Hill.

Well, I'm sure what all the girls would like to know is, are you married?

Yes, I am married and I have 15 children.

And what's your hobby?

Flying my kite.

What do you think about all this men's live?

Well, I wouldn't go as far as burning my jockstrap or anything like that.

But I do think we ought to look... would be more equal. Me, myself, personally,

that's what I think. Yes.

Well, now, if you won the thousand pounds, what would you do with it? Well,

should like to help people who are worse off than what I am. I mean, I should

like to help unmarried fathers.

And I'd like to start an institute for destitute property speculators.

Well, that's really funny. Thank you very much indeed. Thank you.

Ivor Biggin. Yes, that's all. Thank you. That's number 19, Ivor Biggin, from

Bell Hill.

Who were the most difficult decisions to make? Are the judges. And I believe we

have it here. Thank you very much indeed.

And as is traditional, ladies and gentlemen, we shall announce the results

reversed order.

Number three is number six, Fred Chubb from

Dalton, Appleton.

Number two, ladies and gentlemen, is number 23, Ted Drunge from Chipping

Soddress.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment that we've all been waiting for,

TV Times, 1974.

And the winner is number 19, Ivor Biggin from Mill Hill.

Ladies and gentlemen, last year's winner won a fabulous month's holiday in the

Bahamas with Miss Green Girl. And he's here tonight to crown our new Mr. TV

Times. Here he is, 19 -year -old Claude Bottom.

Thank you, Auntie.

Thank you, Joe.

Thank you, Jamie.