Original subtitles

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or the sole illogical gardens, or Cleopatra's noodle, there could surely

cat -art party.

But what a typical English sailor boy you are, to be sure.

Splash the main brace.

What'll it be then, Jane?

Bitter. One bitter coming up.

Nine!

Nine bitters coming up.

Give us a kiss and show us your knickers.

Do what?

Being typical British service men, we shall have a typical British drink. We

will have a swipe, two martinis.

Drive? Nein, swipe.

I mean, no, two.

Just two martinis.

I see we've got that big fat pig going on a run, ain't we, eh?

Fat, fat pig.

Great fat pig.

I've got more brains than him. I'm only half his size.

I beg your pardon?

It's the Benny Hill Show, and here is Benny Hill.

Now, I don't want you folks to misconstrue what I'm about to say to

going to tell you about the women in my life.

Now, I know some gals are real refined, but they always seem to get the other

kind, and maybe that's why I've never found a wife.

Now, I used to know a gal in Cruz. She was five foot two. She had eyes of blue

and... She told me that her name was Lottie.

But I think she was funny in the head. She used to sleep underneath the bed.

parents thought she was a little potty.

I kind of liked the way she smiled, so I went around with her for a while, and I

kind of thought of her as my bride -to -be.

I said, you're the one gal in my life I'd like to have you for my wife. She

said, now what would your wife do with me?

Beware of wives within those wild...

© BF -WATCH TV 2021

I said, you just can't help but stare at the cute little chick with the long

blonde hair. He said, that chick just happens to be my son.

I said, I didn't mean to offend. You must let me make amends. At least let me

buy you another rum.

I said, you must think me an awful cat. I didn't know you was his dad. He said,

I'm not your twit. I'm his mom.

Nice hat, isn't it?

Got that itself produced in the restaurant.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show, and it's nice to welcome back my

friend Nicholas Parsons, and here he is talking to the children of St.

Solomon's School.

And what are you drawing?

I'm going to do a picture.

He gave him all little girl chocolate dollies and he

wanted boy chocolate dollies.

There isn't that much difference, is there?

No, but there's that much more chocolate.

He likes chocolate.

He's silly. I know he's my brother, but he's still silly.

I sleep by myself. I'm not afraid to sleep by myself, but he is.

And so is Mummy.

Yes, she is, because Mummy, when Daddy goes away for the weekend, Mummy always

has to have Uncle Percy come and sleep with her.

He's not my real uncle. What?

What did you say?

I'm not sure, but it's something about modern permissive trends upsetting the

fabric of present -day society or something like that.

I told you he was silly, didn't I? He was silly.

I've nearly finished now. What's it going to be? It's going to be a picture

God. I know nobody knows what God looks like, but I haven't finished my picture

yet, have I? So shut up.

Come now, the two of you. All of you. All of you. Leave.

It nearly does.

Well, today we're letting them paint anything they like and... He

paints a lady.

She have no clothes on.

She have no dress.

She have no shoes.

No stockings.

No knickers.

She is a naked.

He is a knackered too.

The gentleman is very fond of the lady.

What is your name?

Rodin, monsieur.

Castor Rodin.

We have to draw what we want to be when we're grown up.

She wants to be married, but she don't know how to draw it. I do. It's all like

fighting and screaming and kicking and shouting and having babies.

I know.

You never?

I do know, because me dad said to me, do you want to have a little baby brother,

or would you like to have a little baby sister?

And what did you say?

I said, if it wouldn't put me mum to too much trouble, I'd like a pony.

He said, no, it's the stalk, and it's going to come flying round our house.

going to fly in round and round. It's going to fly right in the window of me

mum's bedroom there. And I said, don't upset me mum, because she's in the

way.

What do you want to be when you grow up? I'm going to be a boxer.

I know about fighting.

You can't. I know about fighting, I do.

You can't. I do. I beat Ginger Tompkins and I locked her back on the floor at

the playground and she's in the big girls.

I don't know.

My dad, he wants me to become a prime minister, but I don't want to do that

because I don't want to go sailing on the boat all the time. I should be

seasick. I should be sick on the deck and I should be sick on the floor.

I should be sick on the deck.

We're trespassing, you know.

Water bailiff, he says, though, and he don't think of his trespassers, not him,

once he caught me with me rod.

He said, you dirty, rotten, soppy clod.

He says, you're fishing. I says, no, I'm teaching the worm to swim.

He says, I've told you twice before, poaching salmon's against the law.

I suppose you're hoping to get one in your neck. I says, I'm after stickleback

pike. He says, oh, what are they like? I says, I don't know, I ain't caught one

yet.

I used to have trouble with my flies.

And then Joe here put me wise. God, he knows all about fishing that there is to

tell. Do you know, I've known him tickle a trout and then, like lightning, whip

it out.

I've known him catch a girl that way as well.

Here, once we took a boat out in the bay.

Forty cod we got that day.

Told you I'd find you a good place, says Joe with pride.

Well, it's market then, says Pat.

I said, are we going to do that? He said, easy, put a chalk mark on the

I said, that is diabolical, that's stupid, that's illogical.

I said, mark the side with chalk, you silly goat. I said, if we come out in

bay and fish us another day, chances are we get a different boat.

He says,

he says, the Heskimos cuts all in the ice, floats on some peas and waits quiet

as voice.

Open to catch a cod or a hake or a nice sole.

He says, they wait there patiently until the fish comes up for a pee.

He says, what then? He says, they kick him in the eyes off.

Once he told our local barmaid how one day he caught a mermaid.

He said, I got her just off Plymouth Town.

Her bust it measured 42, her waist it measured 22, and the rest of her was 18

pence a pound.

Dear, oh, no, he's a lad, isn't he?

Here, once he took out fidgety Flo.

She says, isn't that swan swimming slow?

And there's the horse, and there's the cow, and that pig's a boar. And, oh,

at that, Joe. He says, all right, love, I know.

She says, what do you want to go and threaten it for?

He married her one day.

What, it was a tiddler on the way.

And he was born. We all wanted to know the weight. He says, he weighs near

enough a pound.

So Charlie, he turns round, he says, go on, you only just got back your bait.

He'd be a young man today, doing his own pop -happy way, chasing some

unattainable dream.

But perhaps when he's older and a bit more wise, he'll begin to realise the

of just sitting by a stream.

For in a world filled with aggression and hate and fear and depression, an

out here, oh, you just don't know what it's worth.

Spend an hour with fishermen, and you'll find peace again.

They're the most peaceful, kindly gentlemen on earth.

I got one!

I got one! I got one!

down memory lane

And may you have many more.

Howdy, all you folks out there in television land.

I come up here this time, I come over on an airplane.

I don't know you folks remember the first time you ever went up on an

Sure, it's a lot scarier, isn't it? You know, first thing you happen, you sit

down, this sassy little gal come along and she strap you in your seat.

Then she sort of hovers over you, you know, with that... Tight white blouse

to bugs.

She says, anything I can do for you.

I said, I felt a lot of good when you hogtied there, didn't I?

And in comes other saucy little gal. Oh, she's pushing a trolley. On that

trolley, there is everything.

There is whiskey.

There is gin.

There is martina.

There is dooboney.

Bo jolly.

You won't know who's up the front of the airplane.

The driver, that's who.

And he stopped talking at you. He says, uh, this is your captain speaking.

He got like a deep, rich, brown voice.

That sort of lulled you into a false sense of security.

I mean, that might not be his normal voice.

I mean, only flyer I ever knew had a voice so high. The only people that

understand him was dolls.

He was gay as old Paris. He used to make his own dresses.

And he says, I'd like to welcome you aboard this here Boeing airplane.

That's the right name for airplane, isn't it? Boeing.

Not Speedy or High Flyer or something like that. Boeing.

You know what I sound like, don't you, Boeing?

That sounded like a piece just dropped off. Boing!

He says, we're going to be flying at 30 ,000 feet.

I said to myself, our plane is going to be flying at 30 ,000 feet.

You get your hands on that gin bottle, you're going to be flying at 50 ,000

feet.

Anyway, I get over here. You know the thing I like over here about you English

people? I like your natural health service. I like that.

Because you know, back home in Little Creek, they charge you $5 just to look

down your throat.

And $30 to look up your birth certificate.

I don't like your quarantine of people there so much, though, because they

wouldn't let me bring my dogs in. I got two dogs. I got two loveliest little

dogs you've ever seen in your life. I got a little Dachshund.

The little Dachshund, that's like a dog and a half long and half a dog high.

I like him because all the kids can pat him at the same time.

And I feel sorry for him when we get snow on the ground because he's got

short legs.

I feel sorry for that little boy.

Anyway,

I absolutely feel sorry for him. We got an Afghan. He's a high school Afghan.

My wife trained him to do his little bits of business on the newspaper while

reading it.

Anyway, wouldn't let me bring my dog, so I brought my wife over with me.

Well, I saved Kitchener goodbye, you know.

I sure as heck don't like kissing her goodbye.

Only time I ever kiss her is when I can't find a table napkin.

She's over here now, and we're going to sing at you. I don't know why you're

doing us no harm.

Anyway, here she is, Roundtree. I call her Roundtree on account of her clear

gums. Come on, gal.

It's up in the music area.

Come on.

Now, down on the farm, everything that you did, it seemed so right some hell.

Like the way you always warmed your hands before you milked the cow.

And that old muley upped and kicked me in the head one day.

The tears rolled down my cheeks as I saw the poor mule limp away.

That day you helped a poor old lady across the street in the snow.

Believe me, it wasn't easy.

She didn't want to go.

I said I didn't smoke or drink and that necking wasn't wise.

I said, what do you do then? And you answered, I tell lies. But the golden

thorns on me, they're in the long ago.

They only serve to remind me just how I love you so.

Now, I came round your house a -courting late on a Saturday night.

I said I don't want to see you.

So I switched out the light.

Later that night, you banged on my door and started to holler and shout. You

kicked up such a rump.

Thank you.

Thank

you.

and I would like to start with Oliver Twist featuring Nancy...

I couldn't get these out.

Could somebody get me rice pudding? Could you order me rice pudding?

Then send in the prisoner.

No more whipping!

No more beatings! I beg of you!

Tell me the name of the man who saved my brother's life and you shall go free.

Very well, then.

The name of the man who saved your brother's life is... His

name is... His name is... His

name is Duke of

Genby.

The Duke of Genby?

Thought his enemy?

But why?

The reason will be most rewarding.

Send in the Duke of Denby.

You sent for me,

Your Majesty?

Even a queen must thank the man who saved the life of her brother.

Come, my Lord of Denby.

Give me your hand.

Nay, my lord, the other hand.

Nay.

Nay, my lord, both hands.

She didn't have to have both hands, did she? Could have done it with one.

I can't get the bloody thing off, can I?

Oh, dear.

Hello, Madge.

But you were two pairs of hands.

Oh, two pairs of hands, dear. Not if they look like that. They are.

about washing up. Oh, you want to try barmolive, my dear.

That's washing up liquid.

That's what your hands are in now.

Oh. Oh, yes.

Oh, barmolive is especially mild, and there's none gentler. Oh, barmolive will

keep your hands lovely and soft. Oi, do you see my do?

Oh, goodness.

Madge. Honestly, Johnny, so bloody rough.

Then sit.

the traitor.

Aye, your majesty.

I'll send him in.

To think a captain of the guard could treat his queen so.

He shall pay dearly for this.

Captain, I would speak with you.

Aye, your majesty.

I would speak with you. Come here.

But I can hear the...

I can hear thee full well from here, your majesty. I command you to come

I couldn't hear you back there, John. It's not my fault.

Well, could you get a welder, then?

Another fine day here in Sherwood Forest.

What say you to that, eh, little John?

Hanging's too good for him.

What do you say to that, eh, little Don?

Now... I told you to keep to the left. I did keep to the left.

Shut that door, then. Yes, and I'm going off to tea. Well, I don't... Nay, my

liege! I tell you nay! Nay!

You shall not take me alive!

Never! For with yonder...

under poison tablet, which is concealed beneath my doublet, which is next to my

singlet, shall I truly kill myself, and so, so do I die.

I die.

With yonder sword shall I truly kill myself, and so...

how quickly the blood doth congeal.

And so... Sorry.

And so do I, darling.

television is, will there be a fourth channel?

No, I don't know.

But are we satisfied with the television programmes that we're getting?

Yes, the answer is no.

But should there be a fourth channel? Of course not. Unless the public demand

it. And then I say, yes, we shall not take no for an answer.

Now, with me in the studio here is a man who is directly concerned with it, the

head of Scuttlevision, Mr. Frederick Scuttle. Good evening, sir.

Good evening, fans.

Mr. Scuttle, if you were in charge of the fourth channel, what audiences would

you aim for?

The thinking man, sir. Yes. The thinking man is fed up with the superfluity and

frivolousness of television.

All that frolics.

Yes, sir. He's fed up with nothing but dancing ladies wearing nothing but

braziers and open -neck trousers.

Some of the costumes the girls wear nowadays are disgraceful, sir. I've seen

more cotton in the top of an aspirin bottle.

There was a dancer the other week, a white -haired club, wearing a kilt six

inches above the knee.

Well, what's wrong with that?

He didn't have six inches above the knee, sir.

What would you put in its place?

In what place, sir?

The dancers, the frolics. I'll tell you what I'd put in. The masters, sir, the

classics. The classics. Lady Fandomia's Wind.

The Tale of Two Cities.

Hater Gobbler.

Dillon from Class, sir. Yes, sir, I worked there.

Continental artiste and book picked and booked by myself.

What was that again?

I can't pick my car. Listen, I go over there, you know. You do?

Oh, sir, yeah. I speak five languages, you know. Sprechen Sie Deutsch?

Oui, oui, monsieur.

That is French.

Is it? Yeah.

Six languages.

I've handled them all, you know, sir.

Les champignons de la chanson.

The singing toadstools.

Lost paranoics, I've handled them.

Sophia Loren, I've never handled them.

No, but we reach for the stars, we do. I offered Maria Callas's... I offered

her 30 quid and 10 luncheon vouchers to come over here and mime to a verse and

chorus of Cozy Fanny Tutty.

Did she acquiesce?

Not with me, she didn't, so no.

But, sir, you know, the thing is... Well, tell you what else we're going to

them, sir. What? Oh, the greatest, sir. Our serial.

The continuing story of Acker Street.

Oh, the critics liked it? The two crickets went potty over it, sir. Mary

said, if I had not seen it with my own eyes, I would not have believed it.

Virginia Ironside.

They're the name to conjure with.

referred to it as Poetry in Motion.

And Alan Bryan said it makes Hocal Cutter look like a Blue Peter.

So, you see, they all enjoyed it, you see. Oh, I'm sure they did. And I'll

you what else we're going to give. We're going to give, for the first time on

television, Poetry in Jazz.

Poetry in Jazz? Poetry in Jazz, yes, with Melody Malcolm, with a voice like

Talcum.

And his minstrels. They're ready now. His minstrels?

They'll give us a couple of them, if you like. Oh, they'll give us a potpourri.

I wouldn't put it as strongly as that.

I'll tell you a couple of them. You see, you never know with Malcolm what he's

going to do. We give him a free hand in its entirety, sir. You see, we never tie

him down.

No. Unless it's a full moon.

And then we have to, you know, sir.

Full moon, a Will's whiff, a cup of Benji's, and a tizer,

and he's off!

Wheel gone!

He's a non -conformist. I think he's theory, actually, sir.

I would like to say. You never know what one minute, sir, he'll give you, Eskimo

Nell, and then, like lightning, you get the rubber yacht of Jaime Cohen.

The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam. As well, sir, yes.

And the minstrels, sir. Oh, the group. Oh, the group. Are they strict tempo?

Never touch a drop, sir.

They don't, sir, no. They smoke quite a bit, which you see, sir. They are lovely

music, sir. Yes, sir. Lovely music. I heard them last night at Teddington Town

Hall. You should have been there, sir. It was magnificent.

The music sort of swelled up. It swelled up and it sort of filled the hall, sir.

Yes. Several people left to make room for it, actually.

Are they ready now? Come over here. I'll show you, sir.

Poor old Prunella was built like a fella.

So she went down to see Dr Kerr.

He said, no, they'll make ace. When she stripped to the waist, he could hardly

stop calling her sir.

He started to gape at her absence of shape, and he laughed, and he hardly

speak. And he started to joke.

She said, it's no joke they've been swallowing like that for a week.

He explained the position. He said, I'm a physician.

I graft you two on just like that.

And he went and got plastered. The silly old fool.

And he grafted them onto her back.

Now poor old Prunella, she can't get a fella to walk or to talk or romance

Because no one wants to chat when a girl looks like that. But by golly, she's

great fun to dance with.

Here's another.

My mate Ted has got a big head.

He's a snob, he's aloof, he's high -ass.

Some blokes say, by heck, he's a pain in the neck. My opinion is lower than

that.

When he was at school, he made it the rule to be Miss Coon's favourite

She said, you stay behind.

He said, I don't mind the joke and the gossip and you don't.

Once I said, Miss Coon, may I leave the room? And I put my head over my head.

She replied with a grin, now you can stop in and fill up the inkwells

that we were soon to discover, Botox was his name.

Ted said, ain't that a shame, because it's neither one thing nor the other.

He wanted more knowledge, so he went to college, one of them intellectual

palaces. I said, no, don't call us. He said, I left there with honors, and

Sally's, and Irene's, and Alice's.

an infant school teacher.

She should have been teaching the men.

On their wedding night, she said, that's not right, now do it all over again.

He says, I went to night school.

He says, I went to the right school, now I go to night school. Every

Tuesday from eight until ten.

That's why I'm so bright, because every Tuesday night I learn about world famous

men.

Now, Venus was chased all over the place.

She was lovely, and that's on the level.

And old Aphrodite ran around in her nightie, and Zeus was a dirty old devil.

He said, you've never heard of Richard III, or Rembrandt, or Voltaire, or Ren.

He said, I'm no fool.

I go to night school every Tuesday from 8 until 10.

I said, I bet you don't know.

I said, I bet you don't know Charlie Glenn. He says, no, I'll buy it. Then

Charlie Glenn?

I said, he's the louse who goes round to your house every Tuesday from eight

until ten.

When she's lost the way Give her your shoulder to cry on

Whether the day is bright or grey Give her your

heart to rely on Blow her a kiss from across the room

Say she looks nice when she's not Touch her hair

as you pass her chair

Give her your hand as you cross the street.

Over at six on the dot.

Find a day when you're far away.

Little things need a lot.

Don't have to buy her diamonds or pearls.

Champagne tables and books.

She doesn't care much for...

Give her your hand when she's locked away.

Give her your shoulder to close.

Give her your heart to delight.

Send her the warmth of a secret smile.

Show her you haven't forgotten.

Good evening.

Well, once again, we welcome from China, Mr.

Chow Min.

Good evening, everybody.

And hello there, Nickers Parsons.

Nicholas Parsons. Nickers Parsons.

I am Nicholas.

Mind you don't catch a cold.

You're not like Chairman Mao.

Chairman Mao, have nicks on.

Well,

I am delighted to see that this time Mr. Min has brought with him his lovely

wife, Mrs. Min. And may I say, Mrs. Min, that you are the veritable epitome of

Eastern womanhood and beauty. With your enigmatic smile, you're the lotus

blossom incarnate.

I'm terribly sorry. I didn't realize that your wife spoke English. Better

you, cookie boy.

Your rota's rotten in corny.

What a rotacobras.

Mr. Min.

Where did you first come to meet your lovely wife? In Shanghai, I sleep.

I was driving in the long rain.

The long rain?

Not a long rain, a long rain.

The long rain.

Oh, the wrong lane. Yay!

In her car.

What else?

Then I drive over this glass.

And you got a puncture. No, not a puncture on glass.

Not a puncture on clean glass.

Not a puncture on glass.

Don't blow them grass, get a puncher.

Get a puncher of a throat in a minute.

Then I noticed that she wearing hot pants.

Made in China?

Made in cotton.

She was leaning over her car and I was rugging and all full of lust.

You were? A car.

It was a lusty car. The engine was lusty.

Rustic. Yeah.

So I say to myself,

It's magic.

Because, you see, what I say in English is, I think maybe her leg is broken.

Maybe her crutches are burnt out.

And then I go over and I say, hey.

Butterfly Blaine, I see you no switch on.

And she say, I only got to take one look at you, Cookie Boy, and I switch on.

So, Mr. Min, this is your wife.

What aspects of Britain do you think will most interest the people of China?

I'd like to hear about Paris.

The French capital, Paris.

In English, Buckingham, Paris.

I'd like to hear about how much is the clean Elizabeth.

And her mother, the clean mother.

Also Prince Philip.

Lord Stoughton.

Princess Margaret.

All the loyal family.

Also visit horse piddle.

Visit the horse piddle, yes. We see the nurses there with the brats talking.

Some of those nurses can disturb the patients without making a bed.

They get a surprise.

What kind of surprise?

Medical surprise.

Oh, surprise.

Oh, you know this one, you silly idiot.

Oh, come on, Cookie Baby, you tell me.

Also, we go to Reading.

Reading in Berkshire. No, Reading in Church, sir.

Ah, we go see marriage ceremony.

I see. And drink champagne.

There was no gloom. Everyone was happy. How can they be happy when there is no

gloom? Gloom not an up.

Oh, the groom.

Yes.

Oy vey.

For when the groom turn up, he marry... He

marry 16 wives.

16? Yes.

Four richer, four poorer, four better, and four worse.

I like that. I hear more crapping. That's nice.

and then come in telling a lead Jerry.

A lead Jerry?

Yes, a lead Jerry.

Yeah, full of custard.

Custard? Yeah, you never have Jerry and custard.

It's rubbery, Jerry and custard. It's rubbery. It was a love belly, Jerry.

And it was not enough to go round, so I give it a smack in the middle and

everybody get a bit... Also, I take a photograph.

It was spoilt. Oh, spoilt, oh.

Ah, spoiled.

Oh.

Ah, spoiled. Oh.

Spoiled. Right.

Click it.

And, uh, rugby.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. With an okay stick.

Okay.

Don't we write best, oh, damn, too bad, Joe.

Oh, yeah. Oh, damn, too bad, Joe. Good game. Oh, damn.

Dobajo. Oh, don't Dobajo. Good game. Ready can pray also?

Oh, summary can pray. I see a lady. She was breast with two nipples.

I beg your pardon? Breast with two nipples.

Oh, blessed with two nippers.

Yeah, that's what I say. Two nipples.

No, no.

There was a big cloud.

Oh, a cloud of rain?

No, a cloud of people.

And they all come to see this man, her husband, pray.

Oh, damn cabacho.

So, oh, don't do bad, Joe, he takes a small round ball, a right ball, oh,

do bad, Joe, put it on the grass, and over there is a small round hole. He

with a stick or a crub to knock the small round hole into the little tiny

there. The ball go into the hole, but it not quite go in. It's just on the edge,

and everybody say, oh, don't do bad, Joe.

Oh, don't do bad, Joe. That's a good game. I like that. I like that game.

you very much indeed, Mr. Min and Mrs. Min.

Good night, Cookie Boy.

I got a brand new pair of roller skates.

I rise at six and then I feed the chicks and I'm feeling

lonesome and blue.

And when I milk the cow it seems somehow my thoughts keep straying to you.

And as the horse and I play the field... nearby, your memory I can't erase.

For as I look at the rear of the horse, my dear, I seem to see your face.

I'm going to soak the seat of deep devotion, fertilizing with emotion.

Water is his warm desire, and then I'll reap the harvest of love.

Yes,

I was happy as a pig in spite of the way that you looked at me when I met you at

the village dance. If you wouldn't, ladies, excuse me, and I thought I

never have a chance.

But you went off with Jeff, our local chef, and you courted him down by the

hedge. Then up came his wife with a long -handled knife, and she cut off his

meat and two vegs. I said, no, you seek a big devotion.

I said, with emotion, water it with warm desire, and then I'll reap the harvest

of love. There.

So, you seek a big devotion. I said, with emotion, water it with warm desire,

and then I'll reap the harvest of love.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you all very much for being with us, and we look

forward to seeing you all again quite soon. Until then, bye -bye.

Thank you.