Original subtitles

My pineapple form takes your ginger bishop, leaving your caramel king

exposed.

And my nicotine knight takes your coconut queen.

You're not supposed to do that.

Blurry hell.

Here's to the Betty Hill Show, and here is Betty Hill.

She thinks she is slim like a willow. She's just skinny and bony and tall.

If she hadn't been blessed with two warts on her chest, she'd have no figure

all. She'd like to please all the men, but she's so terribly thin, there is

hardly enough to go round.

Once she swallowed a whole pickled onion and 24 fellas left town.

But oh, Zanduna, I'm longing to make you my own.

And then I will know, Zanduna, a happiness I never know.

Her flashing dark eyes are so jealous.

The left one keeps watching the right.

And those teeth that I love are like the stars up above because they come out

every night.

Oh, my girl is... one in a million.

Often have you heard that said, but she is not one in a million. She looks like

she's one in a raffle instead.

Oh, Zantuna, I'm longing to make you my own.

And then I will know, Zantuna, a happiness I've never known.

An oil man from Texas once tried to impress this shy and insensitive weight.

He said, I've so many gold teeth that I sleep every night with my head in a

safe. He said, there's 400 quid if you'll come with me, kid, to my flat. It

most unexpected.

But she didn't fret and she wasn't upset. She just kept cool and calm and

collected. But oh, Zanduna, I'm longing to make my own.

And then I will know, Zanduna, a happiness I'll never know.

Tongue -tied, I sat with Danduna while licking its paws was the cat.

I nervously stammered, Danduna, I'd like to see you do that.

Suddenly my Danduna slapped my face and she left me because by the time I had

said what I wanted to say, the cat wasn't licking its paws.

Oh, marry me, Danduna, and we'll live in old Monterey. But don't leave it too

late.

They're going to take me away.

This

is

a health farm where the seedy, the savvy, and the overweight come to be

rejuvenated and to regain their trim, live figures of yesteryear.

With me, the principal.

Mr. Fred Scuttle.

Dr. Scuttle, if you don't mind, sir. Dr. Scuttle. I beg your pardon.

Now, you advertise in your brochures health courses at popular prices. Yes,

Could you give us an example?

Certainly, sir.

Four weeks of health -giving exercises and nutritional diets.

300 guineas, sir.

300 guineas? Yes, sir. I hardly call that a popular price.

I like it.

300 guineas for four weeks of lemon juice and lettuce leaves?

That's only the diet, sir.

For meals, sir, for meals.

Suet dumplings.

Yorkshire pudding.

Treacle and custard, sir.

Doesn't that make you put on weight? Only if you swallow it.

Everybody comes here to lose weight. Some come to put it on, sir. One fellow

brought his little wife here, sir. Going to bed with her was becoming a hazard.

The cat had her on the land. Standing twice?

Six don't do, she was, sir. In her stocking feet? On her knees.

She was so weak? No, the scales are under the sink.

Are the men and women segregated?

The men are, sir. Some of the men are.

But not the women, sir, no.

We wouldn't allow that, sir.

I mean, do they do mixed exercising?

They used not to, so they do now. We used to have sort of the ladies on one

of the garden, you see, and the gentlemen on the other, and a sort of a

dirty grape privilege going down the centre, sir, but there was so much

about the bush.

We let them, they get together, they argue, we even have mixed sauna baths.

They can air their differences any time they like.

Tell me, Dr. Scuttle, What was your greatest challenge?

I would say, sir, without any shadow of a doubt, excuse me.

Without any shadow of a doubt.

Mrs.

Hardcastle, sir.

She was with us two and a half years.

She was an obituary?

Most of the time, yes.

Twenty -seven stones, sir.

I think she was sent on this earth to show how far the human skin could

without bursting.

She had to put a girdle on to get into a phone box.

And then it came to me, sir, in a flash.

Riding, I said to myself, riding!

Was she a horse lover?

I never found out, sir.

She didn't speak very often. How did she get on?

We used a winch.

We got her on there, then she was eight hours every day in the saddle, sir.

Eight hours a day.

Didn't that give her a headache?

Quite the reverse, sir.

It gives the horse a headache.

Well, Dr. Scuttle, I believe you've prepared a film for us to see. That is

right, sir, yes. Would you like to see it now, sir? I would. It's with our keep

-sick class, sir. Oh, you'll enjoy it. It's very good. Because they're muscles.

They're muscle lads, you know. They're very...

Today marks the anniversary of the death of Solomon St. John, the 18th century

poet. To mark the occasion, Felix Tantrum reads one of his poems, just as

written in 1770.

Fam and Fooven by Solomon St. John.

Fam the blacksmith tolls the bell with strong and sinewy hands.

He hath lofty fart to fooven.

But alas, fee is too grand.

Fooven walked strolling by the stream.

Listening as the church bells rang.

They found it fag.

But not a fag of the fun that fooven fagged.

Suddenly the fun came out.

I think I'll have a phwim.

It's such a funny day.

A foo took off her blouse.

And flip.

And corfet. So that fee could have a phwim.

Feed the fadler spied on her.

But foo could not fee him.

Slowly foo took off her foos.

And fox.

And then fee was undressed.

Sinful Finley felt his heart a -beating in his breast.

The fun -fun on the silky foxness of her golden hair.

It cascaded past her folders and rested on her buffum bed.

His heart was filled with lust as Foo faunted across the grass.

He longed to stroke that tiny waft.

and that large, well -rounded car.

As Foo fled into the water, Sid revealed himself to her.

He stood beside her clothing, determined not to stir.

Fooven, who was slightly fucked,

and here I stay.

Fooven picked up a foppen and using it to hide her feminine embarrassment

strode up to Sidney's thigh.

First he said, do you know what I think, you silly clot?

He said, you think that foppen hath a bottom? It hath not.

The fiend was set for production when blacksmith Sam appeared.

me, fam, said Fooven.

Fam grabbed at Sidney's beard. They wrestled and they tuffled, and their

thorn with sweat.

Sid flipped and did a thumber fault, dislocating his neck.

As fam held Foo in his strong arms,

until I die.

Now they're married and have 16 children and they've just purchased a new

pram. As I said before, there's no one who can ring the bell like fam.

de barbette.

Jambon trite.

Ne touchez pas le pouc.

These are just four of the films to come from the founder of the French avant

-garde cinema, director Pierre Teterre.

Bonsoir.

Mes hommages. Thank you very much.

For me, the best thing you've ever done, perhaps the most memorable thing I've

ever seen in the cinema, It was that moment in Lovable on Farts.

This 22 -year -old girl who for so long had lived in this fantasy world

suddenly, through the death of her pet torso, has to face up to reality.

Suddenly, you change from colour to black and white right until the end of

film. A masterstroke showing stark reality. No, no, no.

We change from colour to black and white because we run out of colour film.

That's why. You see, we have no more colour film. We have no money to buy

colour film to use where you have little stock, black and white. That's why.

Yes.

But the, um... The urgency you implied in the story, so simply giving almost

a documentary effect by using a handheld camera, it gave... No, no, no, no, no.

We use handheld because we don't have a, you call it, tripod.

It's a tripod to put on top.

You see, the cameraman hit on the head the makeup man with a tripod and broke

his head.

He read the tripod, not the head.

And we have no... So we hold in the hand.

This girl who had this duende, this savoir -faire, so very nearly perfect,

you gave her a lisp, showing even the most perfect of us.

No, no, no, no, no. I don't give her a lisp. She have a lisp.

The actress who plays the part has always the lisp, always the lisp.

You searched all over France for an actress with a list. There's dedication.

I don't search for her. She was discovered, actually, by the producer

living with her at the time.

He said she interrupted him.

I think the best part of the film, it was in the restaurant.

She looked up to him and said, Je prends les meux manières.

I want a life in the Grand Manor. No, no, no, no. She says, je prends les

marinières. I would like muscle soup.

Moules marinières.

Very significant.

And then, at the end of the film, as she sits alone in the barren waste of the

Camargue, that little dog ran up to her.

That said it all.

It's a dog's life.

How did you get him to do that? I don't get him to do it. I don't know who this

is, the dog.

I mean, if I knew who this is, the dog, I'd kill him because the dog puts the

leg up on the camera, you know.

And all the working is very rusty and like a jelly. You know, it's terrible. I

could kill who this is, the dog, you know.

Thank you, Pierre Duterte.

And now, we are going to show a clip from Lonely Boy, Duterte's film, which

illustrates so perfectly The modern, everyday youth confronted by the

sycophantic hedonist syndrome... Pardon, pardon, monsieur.

Show the film. No, no, no. Just show the film. Ah, yes.

Oh, no, no.

Oh, no, no.

They said he was.

Time for our Spanish lesson now.

Spanish lesson with Conchita Paloma. I told you, didn't I?

Buenas tardes, amigo.

Buenas tardes, señorita. Me llama Conchita.

Que bonito nombre.

Y como se llama usted?

Se me llama Cyril Goody.

Ah, es muy bonito tambien.

Gracias.

De nada.

It's okay.

Just a minute, just a minute.

Excuse me, por favor.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Sorry, Sandra.

Sorry, Sandra.

Oh, dear.

Here we are. It's all right, darling.

Just a minute.

Just a minute. Just a minute. Just a minute.

Are you all right, Miss Fox?

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr Goody.

It's all right, my dear. Come here. I just didn't know who to turn to. I don't

know anyone on the floor. It's all right, my dear. Come and sit down. Come

sit down. It's all right. It's all right.

I just couldn't stand it in my room anymore. I was so lonely.

I know exactly how you feel. I know exactly... I just couldn't stand another

night in that same room.

I know exactly.

I know exactly. In that same bed.

Exactly. All by myself.

Exactly.

I know you want a nice drink. Have a drink.

Oh,

I... I quite like sherry.

Oh, this is quite like sherry.

I'll tell you... Miss Pop?

Oh, that's nice.

That's you.

Cyril. Oh, that's nice, too.

I say, has some man been upsetting you, Hattie?

I mean, to treat me like that after all I've done for him.

I mean, if I like anyone, Cecil... Cyril, Cyril, Cyril. Oh, Cyril.

The more you cry, the less... It's all

right, don't worry. Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. It didn't mean anything.

It's, um... It's the pipes.

I find you attractive. I think you're smashing. I do.

I think you belong on soft furnishings.

You know something? The first time I saw you on soft furnishings, I got on

hardware right away.

Just so as I could be near you.

And then when you went on the toilet counter, I went out of my way with the

consignment notes just to pass by, just to see you.

I mean, I think you're very pretty.

Every time you touch it, it makes a funny noise.

I say, this young man of yours sounds to me like a thoroughly nasty piece of

work.

What do you bloody know about it?

It's twice the man you are. I tell you that for nothing, you great fat puddin'.

Hold on, hold on. I was only trying to help you. No,

you're right.

You're right. It's not worth bothering about anyway.

Of course it's not. Let's enjoy ourselves. Let's think about our faith.

There's only a little kiss. Leave me for that rotten Mabel Tassler. Me!

Me! I'm better looking than she is any day.

I bloody am.

I didn't say you wasn't. I didn't say you wasn't. I think you're ever so nice.

Now, don't get upset.

Don't get upset. I think a girl... Actually, a girl with a face as pretty

A girl with a face as pretty as yours, you know, shouldn't want for men at all.

Not at all. That's what I think.

Oh, Fred.

No, Cheryl.

We shall all get.

Oh, leave me alone.

I'm sorry.

Six years I gave him.

Six years we were engaged.

All right, so you can play at that game.

Gassy, this wine. It's a bit gassy, that wine, yes.

That's it.

Yes, I'm all right, thank you, yes, yes.

Tonight I'm going to live.

Who cares about conventions?

Who cares about what the world thinks?

Let's live, my prince, let's live. Tonight was made for love.

to do how to move I have changed

yes three

And I've managed to get hold of Amos Thrip.

Now, Amos Thrip is the head gardener here at Landley Hall.

He's also said by many to be a leading authority on the vegetable marrow.

Hmm? He is also said by many to be a leading authority on the vegetable

He's also said by many to be the leading authority on the vegetable marrow.

Come, come, Perth, I wouldn't say that.

foot six wonder.

But you did once raise one fourth foot six.

I was younger then, Percy.

And I wasn't married, you see, I had more time then, see.

Of course you'd raise it in here.

Oh, I couldn't raise it outside, not this way.

It's too bleak and cold.

Pardon? It's too bleak and cold. Too bleak and too cold.

Bleak and cold out there, see. I should be frozen in a marriage, shouldn't I?

But according... to those plants outside, the winter has no fears for

No birds, no bees.

No flowers, no trees.

No wonder, November.

That little bit of witty West Country bandage will give you some idea of the

nonchalance with which I regard the pattern of the heartland.

The heartland, that season of mists and mellow fruitiness.

Once again, we ask that old question, what what shall I do with my hardy

perennials?

Once again, we get the same reply.

Once again, we get the same reply.

Just because winter draws on, that's no need to discard your summer bloomers

entirely.

But do watch out, because if Jack Frost gets his hands on your geraniums, by

golly, you'll know about it.

Even before you met her, I understand your wife was a keen horticulturist.

Well, first, what she'd done before she married me is her own concern.

All I know is that eight months, ten months after our union, it was blessed

in the nursery there for all to see. The result of our union was there in the

nursery. Boy or a girl?

Rhododendron.

It's very gated leaves. That's very rare. That boy puts plenty of manure on

You're right, you've got plenty of manure. Bunk plenty of manure on it,

You should learn to call it fertiliser.

It took me ten years to learn to call it manure.

Thank you.

Do you get any pests in here?

Big fun first.

Do you get any pests in here? Not till today, no.

But how do you avoid the green flies?

I wish brown trousers if you will.

Ah, that's just me larking about. No, actually, last summer I did get a touch

the cucumber blight.

They don't usually attack people, only cucumbers.

But I went along to the doctor and he put some blue unction on it and it's all

right now.

But, you know, everyone is anxious now to hear about your prize -winning

exhibit. My prize -winning exhibit's first? Well, last year, my red currant's

coming first in the tomato section.

I never entered my King Edwards, you know. Well, you're only allowed to enter

£14 each.

I didn't want to cut one in half.

For it then is my pride and joy, my high bride rose.

My word.

Fine specimen, have you named it? Yes, I have. I call it first the Raquel Welsh.

Oh, a lovely name after a lovely lady.

She can have the top off my egg any time.

Is it best in a bed?

Well, it's quite nice in a bed.

Some people prefer it up against the wall.

You know, you prefer it in and out of the trellis work, you know.

That's according to... As long as you get plenty of sun in it, you're all

Get the sun on it, that's the main thing.

Well, I must say, this is an exceptionally fine specimen. It is,

do you get it to bloom as early as that?

With my... Thrips wonder!

Never fails.

Pour a little of this on there, and you'll find... It'll come up there, a

tree... Perhaps the booers have cared...

See my cucumbers.

They're not cucumbers.

They're two of the... Well,

I hope you'll join me again next week. I had a dandelion named after her.

When I shall again be... I had a red -hot poker named after me. Until then,

night.

racking on feats of strength.

Hey, give me a little beauty queen to help me out easier now.

Ha, ha. Oh, yes, you pretty little thing. Pretty little thing. Ha, ha. You

that she has to have a chaperone, folks.

That's on account I'm such a wolf.

Ha, ha, ha.

Thank you, Miss Chaperone. Well, round about now. No, look. Ha, ha, ha.

With all of you, I'm going to shock you and get mud.

Ha, ha, ha.

Are you the beauty queen?

Yes.

I can't, sir, John. John, I can't lift her.

Well, you know that might be trouble.

I'll be back with my meg up for three weeks.

Why wasn't I invited to Susan's party?

Perhaps they thought you wouldn't enjoy it, darling.

I'll be playing postman's look and having jelly and custard.

But will they be having hill spaghetti?

We'll have our own little party.

You and I will have spaghetti.

What's that in the road?

A head?

Hold it.

I'm sorry, hold it a second. No, dear, no.

What's that in the road a head?

Not what's that in the road a head.

It's only a bicycle.

Open the gate, she'll be up in a minute.

Oh, go in the gate.

Right about now, Miss Jenny's going to show you an exhibition of female

sharpshooting. How about that, huh?

Ooh, what's this thing called, love?

Bye, baby.

You don't have to be crazy in this daredevil act, but by golly, it sure do

What the bloody hell are you doing?

She shouldn't have been there.

How's that boyfriend of yours, dear?

He's all right, Mum.

You all right, love?

Yes, of course I'm all right, Mum.

Bring them back with Ben Vril.

He's got big ears anyway.

Don't you worry about it. You just drink up your pain.

Hold it.

I told you. We should have booked that, didn't we?

Now,

folks, round about here, young Miss Jenny, she's going to give you the

exhibition of that old...

Will you open it, please?

I'm so sorry.

Nice brawn radio.

With big blisters.

Portembrication. Pardon?

Portembrication. No, no have. Have a liferine.

Have a shaving erosion.

No have port or embrocation. No have.

You've just arrived, sir? I got a fright.

How did you get a fright?

With a fright ticket.

Yes. It was a miracle.

What was a miracle?

We take off. It was a miracle.

You took off from a miracle?

The United States have a miracle.

America. Yes.

Bloody tricks.

Are you staying here, sir, or going on overseas?

I have a right.

Yes, you have a right to go on overseas, but I have a right to ask where.

I have a right.

You have a right?

No, you have a right. I have a right.

Oh, I have a right. Yeah.

Stupid idiot.

I'd hardly call that overseas. You try walking now.

Can you see this?

Yes.

Can you read it? No.

Why not?

Wrong way up.

You're Chinese.

Oh, brother.

Mother of mine!

Did you understand it? Did you understand me?

Hardly the porridge.

Is this all you have? Yes, sure.

Also, also, I have here something to show you.

That egg.

One hundred year old egg.

One hundred year old. One hundred year.

You don't seem to have much.

No, I have my beliefs.

Your beliefs. Ah, yes. Butter. No, no butter, no sugar, no tea, no.

Just have my beliefs. Always have my beliefs.

Yes, well, I'm sorry to leave it in such disarray. Oh, disarray, not array. Who

cares?

How did you get all that in?

Oh, dear.

I knew.

Hey,

immigration!

I'll be ready with a very soon moment.

Hey, you've been out in the sun, cookie boy.

No, you have been telling my colleague that you are going to the Isle of Wight.

For what purpose?

Bleeding cows.

No, that is where. I wish to know why. That is, that is why.

I'm going there bleeding cows.

I bleed cow, rook.

Why, you know, it's a rook.

I can go to Liggett.

I can go to Lill.

Lill. Liggett, Harrogate.

Liggett and Harrogate.

Why, you look paint everything.

farm of clown.

He's angrier. Oh, why is he angrier? Because he live in East Anglia.

Oh, East Anglia. Oh, yes.

It's which town?

Yes. Yes, what?

You see, in my work, you see, in my work, I have to find a farm that's

Oh, you work in pharmaceuticals, yes.

No, a farm that's suitable. Why do you not listen?

You no -go -croft eels.

Loss your rug hose out.

Look, I get to a farm.

I take the bull to the cow so that the bull can make rug to the cow.

Oh, but surely that is a job for the farmer.

It has to be a bull.

a mummy.

So I wait.

I wait.

Forever.

Not forever. Only for a few months.

And then a little tiny baby boy and another little baby boy and another

baby boy and all the little baby boys all go away.

And then when they have all their... Then I charter a ship.

Oh, you charter a ship?

That's what I said. Why, you know, listen.

Right.

And then when I got a chip, when I got an order, I sent to Hong Kong a

lot of bull.

No, you don't. Oh, yes, I do.

No, it's a load of bullocks.

No, Mr. Great Cookie Boy, you'll get a smack in the mouth in a minute.

Good night, my friends.

Time to call it a day.

Time to blow out the candle.

Or as my friend Shirley Bassey would say,

Sounds like Dorothy Squires.

I did it my way.

Moses said to Isaiah, life isn't all milk and all honey.

He said, Isaiah, come forth.

And Isaiah came fifth.

And I went and I cut up his money.

It's all Greek to me.

Hello, everyone.

Here is a little song about a girl who is going to see her lover by the

eucalyptus tree.

And as she walks there, she sees a boy.

And he says, your lips are like red wine, and I should like to sip them.

And she says, you cannot, because I'm going to meet my lover by the eucalyptus

tree. And a little further on, she meets another boy. And he says, your eyes are

like pools of clear crystal water. I should like to bathe in them. And she

you cannot, because I'm going to see my lover by the eucalyptus tree.

And a little further on, she meets another boy. And he says, your hair is

corn waving in the breeze.

I should like to run barefoot through it.

And she says, you cannot, because I'm going to see my lover by the eucalyptus

tree. And she gets to the eucalyptus tree, and her lover doesn't come.

Exact so.

I exact so.

I'm an exo, mini, mini, ah, but she exact so.

Now, here is a little song.

It's time for the day to Christmas.

January the 1st, January the 2nd, January the 3rd, Jan... You'd rather

Moira who?

Short of body, meet a body, a minister who's a boy. If you dare to touch my

body, I will black your eye.

I'll do that to Bonnie Scotland, Sigma Horlicks too!

Rest it to the family sisters on the radio.