Original subtitles

Yes, it's the Benny Hill Show, and here is Benny Hill.

He saw her in her bathing suit as she lay upon the golden sand.

She said, I suppose that you're admiring my arms and legs because they're sand,

but there's parts of me that you can't see. And they're all white, old thing.

said, I bet they're better than all white. I bet they're absolutely

Because you know what people say, a girl's not safe all on her own.

She showed him a snap of her.

He said, that bare midriff's not very chaste. She said, that's not a bare

midriff. That's Jack's bare arm around my waist.

He put his glasses on, and then he stared at the snap a little more.

Then he said, I knew I'd never seen you wear a wristwatch there before.

She bought a mask, a chaperone.

Because you know what people say, a girl's not safe all on her own.

I'll never be to Santa Fe.

Very soon they were good friends, and one day he taught her how to swim.

First the breaststroke, then the crawl.

While she clung on tight to him, then her ma came down the promenade. She saw

them and cried, oh, deary me, if you're going to carry on like that, you'd

better both go into the sea. She brought her ma, a chaperone, because you know

what people say, a girl's not safe all on her own.

On the beach at St. Joseph's. Ma said, now you're 17.

It is time you knew what's what.

So they talked about the facts of life, and her mother learned an awful lot. She

said, never let him in your room. She remembered what Mama had said, and she

never let him in her room. She went along to his instead.

She was a mom, and she had her own.

God, you know what people say.

A girl's not safe all on her own.

One day Mama sent her home, for she thought that she might go astray. Then

day she got a letter from her boy in Saint -Tropez.

But when she read the note he wrote, it made her feel so very sad. It said,

today I married your Mama.

Yours with fond affection, Dad.

So all you lovely British girls, listen carefully to what I say.

Bring your sister, not Mama, away. Et voila!

Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, jolly nice to be with you once again. And

going to start off tonight with some of those moments of television when things

go wrong.

And what always fascinates me about these, you know, things going on on TV

the look on the artist's face.

And, you know, if he's a sort of a beginner and not very experienced, you

always tell it by his eyes, you know, he gives himself away. Whereas, of course,

you know, a professional performer, a man who's been in the trade for many,

years, will carry on and give a performance that... Doesn't throw him at

matter what happens, you see.

Certainly, monsieur, the Eiffel Tower is in that direction on the bank of the

Seine River.

On the left bank, monsieur, you cannot miss it.

Au revoir, monsieur.

I wonder what the saint is doing in Paris.

Maybe, monsieur Simon Templer.

He's come to see me.

David,

David.

The night is young.

I'm sure it will be all right. I tell you, my darling, of course it will be

right. Oh, I don't know.

Come,

Wedge. A kiss.

For your cake. I beg you not, Your Majesty, no. Oh, come, Went. Just one

kiss, Went. What would your queen say?

Oh, never mind about him.

Oh, no, Your Majesty. Oh, Went. No, Your Majesty. Stop, Your Majesty. Stop, Your

Majesty. Stop, you...

make sure that your bristles are nice and firm.

Because if your bristles are thin and floppy, then they will fall out all the

time and make a mess on your bedroom floor.

So, number one, make sure that your bristles are nice and firm.

Two... Hold it a minute.

Bristles, darling.

Bristles. Bristles.

I'll get you cut later on.

Today... lovely, filthiest drawing is trying out perfect against new,

improved Calais.

Well, Sylvie, as one of the world's most beautiful models, you have to care for

that lovely complexion of yours.

Which feels moving?

Oh, this one.

It's lovely.

It's like my own skin. It's all soft, it's all creamy.

You've picked the wrong one again, haven't you, you stupid fat cow?

Speaking to us this evening,

the Reverend Lambtree.

Reverend Lambtree, I believe you have some very strong views on religion

That's true. I do sometimes like to let off steam.

I thought, people who come to my church don't always hear what they want to

hear. They're more inclined to hear what I want them to hear.

Some of them are occasionally shocked by what they hear.

It seems to never hurt anybody, did it?

And you know, this morning I was walking through the park.

I was listening to the birds singing.

And I thought to myself, I thought to myself, like it's too soon.

It's too soon. It's too soon.

I don't know.

All right then, David.

If you're breaking, David, do you mind if I go?

Well, the city elders put me in there. What for?

Well, I had wicked thoughts, see, and I told the Puritan fathers, and they put

me in there.

It must have been pretty wicked, them thoughts, to put you in there.

They was wicked, all right.

Was they, like, ordinary wicked, you know?

Like Eveville?

Or was they more sort of, like, lecherous and, like, lustful?

You know, like that. I can tell you that they were pretty lustful. Oh.

You wouldn't like to tell me one of them, would you? Oh, no.

Well, give me some idea, like, and then if I, like, thought one coming on, I

could push it away out of my mind, couldn't I? You'd give me some idea of

like, you know. Wow. You'd give me some idea.

Wow, seriously. Yeah.

Oh,

that's wicked, that is.

Oh, that's real wicked, that. That's lustful and wicked, that.

Oh, good morning, Mistress Mary.

I see by young chicken you've been in the market.

Oh, it's a scrawny little thing it is.

What I'd really like is a nice goose.

You wicked evil man, you wicked sinful man, you.

Why does thou hate him?

Well, he has wicked thoughts, he do.

you'd think he'd find better things to occupy his mind.

That's true.

I mean, there's enough work he's doing out here in the colony.

That's true.

I've been waiting six weeks for some man to come and look at my chest.

I can't get anyone to touch it.

You wicked lecher, you!

Wicked evil lecher!

What I really need is a handyman.

Then it could help me loosen my drawers.

You wicked evil man, you wicked!

It only needs touching up.

Swine! Swine!

And then there's educating the savages.

Oh, that's true. Oh, that's work to be done. Though my uncle says we could

a lot from them. Oh, well, I think that's nonsense. Oh, nonsense.

I mean, could you imagine me and my sister running around naked?

As for trapping or taming some wild animal, well, what would I look like

through the forest with a bear behind?

You wicked swine!

Swine! Well, I'd best be on my way. I only just passed by for a little social

intercourse.

I'll bid you good day.

Good evening.

At home with me this week, I have a most distinguished visitor from the Far

East, Mr.

Chow Min.

Horror every bloody.

Now, Mr. Chow Min, this is, of course, not your first visit to England.

No, I come to Glade Bliton a reverend year ago.

What were you looking for?

Knowledge. You were looking for knowledge? Yes. But did you find it?

In Norfolk.

Why in Norfolk? Because of that where it is.

Oh, Norwich.

The city of Norwich.

There's a light one here.

You see, I come here to see my pen friend.

Male or female?

I sincerely hope so.

You see, she's a rubbery lady, but I not want her to think I have a silly arse.

You didn't lark about.

I did lark about.

Why? Because I didn't want her to think I was a silly ass.

I did not want her to take me silly ass read.

Serious. Yes.

This one's such a serious.

You see, she and I share same interest.

Flying. Flying. Yes.

Planes or gliders.

Or kites.

Ships.

You fly ships?

Yes.

Sorry, you sail ships?

After you fly them.

You see, first of all, you fly the ships.

With the fish.

And then you sail them to the customer.

She has a chip shop.

Oy vey.

not only have ship job, also have a restaurant, a bislo, pisalia,

and she have a crab, have a night crab, have a cavoli, sometimes have roo -roo.

Roo? No, no say roo as loo.

Say roo -roo. Little Scottish lady, got little, I'm a tiger, I'm a tiger.

Roo -roo. Roo -roo.

Roo -roo.

No say loo.

No say rule, let's go into the rule.

That's naughty.

Also have a orchestra, Mr. Loss.

Joe Loss. Edmundo Loss.

You get muddled up with Joe Loss.

That's a different band.

And I write a music, but I no can understand a British operetta.

A musical operetta.

A telephone operetta.

You see, different country have different system.

You see, for example, in China, no phone directly.

Why can't you phone directly?

Because we no have a telephone directly.

Directory.

Bloody trick.

You see, the thing is, maybe in China, we have too many wrong numbers.

That's a Chinese joke.

Why do you know rapping, you stupid idiot?

In America, for example, I have a wrong radio friend in America. She one day can

no telephone because she no have any knickers.

She wasn't wearing any.

Well, she never wear knickers.

No radio in America wear knickers. Always have knickers in a handbag.

Handbag? Yes, in case they want to make a telephone call in a telephone box.

Oh, knickers! Yes!

Your mind always in the room.

Now, I give you a point. In London, one day, I go into a phone box.

And to make a telephone call.

What else?

Now, I want to speak to Timothy, who is at Mac only 6769.

So you dial Mac.

I couldn't dial Mac.

There was no Mac.

There was abaca.

Jocko.

Jocko.

But there wasn't no Mac. So I talked to the opera letter. The Swiss board opera

letter, not the musical opera letter.

I want to speak to Timothy at Macaulay's. And she says, you must

dial the first.

Three letters of the name Cephalid Reef.

So I dial T -I -M.

And a wrong lady with a very good looking voice, she say to me, it's two o

'clock.

And I say, that's nice. Yeah, good.

And then she say, it's a ten second past two.

And I say, you've got a very good watch there.

to speak to Timothy.

And then she said he just had his first stroke.

You see, I know now because... No, no, no. It was a recording.

I know that now.

But why have I missed out? Why muddle me up all the time like that? You see, in

China, it's all organized ploppery.

Is life in China more bearable than, well, take you and me. Are you, as a

Chinaman, happier or healthier than...

me. Well, let me ask you a question.

When was the last time that you had an election?

Had?

You mean a parliamentary election?

Of course.

Wait a minute. You didn't think I meant a council election?

It's not the same thing.

It was in 1970 when the conservatives got in. Yeah, you see, you all miss out.

You have a conservative, a socialist, have a liberalist.

You all miss out.

If life is so much better in China...

Why don't we hear about it? Because of the newspapers, the journalists, the

labortos. All the newspapers are all stupid idiots.

They all talk a road of cobras.

The Sunday FIFA, the people.

Dairy Bear.

Dairy Man.

Dairy Miller.

Dairy Miller.

Why you look for everything?

Right.

Not to mention the news of the word.

The news of the word. I said not to mention it.

You see, I was recently in Peking at conference.

Now, Chairman Mao alive.

Not dead.

How can he alive if he's dead?

Arrive. Yes.

I don't know. Look.

He... alive arrive and kicking.

Okay? But he have on face shrived thrush.

Also have on shoulders shrived stoop.

British newspapers all say Chairman Mao has stoop.

Therefore too old to govern China.

Too sick to govern China. I was there. I know why Chairman Mao walk with stoop.

Why? Because Thai caught in fry. That's why.

Thank you.

From the anthropology of modern verse, the dirty old man.

The dirty old man left his dirty old bike by the railings of number 10.

Now, you know who lives here, said the copper. I ain't going to warn you again.

Not Jussie, but Barbara and Maudlin are coming this evening to dine and to sup.

So the dirty old man went across to his bike and he carefully locked it up.

And now from my new book, Mayfair, it's arts and farces.

Here is Norman.

My friend Norman Ailsman, who's a shy and sensitive used car salesman,

was really quite an enigmatic fella.

One day he announced with clarity, I give all my money to charity. I said,

that's kind. He said, that's what I tell her.

He said, I've got to go to Bury.

I said, you don't pronounce it Bury. I said, the correct pronunciation is

I said, why are you going there, Norm?

And he says, well, on this form, he says, I've got to go up there and sit on

Jerry.

So feeling sad and sorry, he borrows this old lorry and straight up the old

he goes.

At midnight, he's outside a crew, and by this time he's had a few, so he gets up

on the tailboard for a doze.

In the dark... It is two bald -headed men.

So he blinks and looks again and realises it's a girl in a low -cut

She says, would you like to come home for some cocoa?

And the way that she said cocoa had all his little red and white corporals

running amok.

He gets off the tailboard like a shot and across the road they trot.

And I bet you all know what is on his mind.

Hot chocolate, drinking hot chocolate, drinking hot chocolate, drinking

chocolate all the time.

Inside, she says, here, do you like salami? He says, if it's played by Matt

Devaney.

She says, no, it's Hungarian and so is the wine.

He had champagne and caviar, brandy and a big cigar.

And when he went off to the bedroom, he was feeling fine.

She said, right, now get into bed.

So he did just what she said.

And he thought to himself, oh, Norman, you're in luck.

He thought, Norman, boy, you're in clover.

So he casually moved over and fell straight off the tailboard of the truck.

And now ladies and gentlemen, will you welcome the delightful Lady Bird.

And the time of the year when Johnny likes to get his hand on a nice, plump

young bird.

Making a change from the old boiler he gets the rest of the year.

Well, we have been actually very, very lucky, you know, this year. And we've

this lovely free -range hen here.

And, good God, it's laid an egg.

It's a potato.

Let's fight so bonfam.

I'm just going to give that to Johnny, and he's going to stuff it into the

And we are going to don't do that, John.

And we are going to show you tonight a recipe from our old friend Clement

We're going to show you how to make chicken a la Freud, or if you prefer it,

Freud chicken.

Or as the French say, Poulet Freud.

Cold chicken.

Well, now, first of all for this, you have to make a nice cheese and wine

The first thing you have to get hold of is a pot.

It doesn't matter what kind of a pot it is.

It has to be a kitchen pot, of course.

No good having any other kind of pot.

Otherwise it would crack.

Into this you crumble some gorgonzola cheese. Now, if you don't have any

gorgonzola cheese, it doesn't matter. You can make it quite simply by, first

all, taking a piece of gorgon and crumbling it into there. You see, don't

my hands are quite clean.

I've just given Johnny a shampoo.

You crumble that in there. You crumble, first of all, the gorgon, and then you

put in some Zola.

And you crumble that.

But you must be very, very careful and put the gorgon in before the Zola,

because otherwise you'll have Zola gorgon cheese.

And there's no such cheese.

Now, you mix that up quite, quite carefully like that. That's lovely. And

this, you pour some red wine. Now, this is a very, very good red wine, and this

is called Newt de St. George.

Which means that you can get as... Now,

I

just pour a little, a little tiny... Just a little tiny drop in there like

you see. And I go and put this now on a high, on a high ring.

A synovy, little one.

to have said it, doesn't it?

Well, now then, this is the time of the year when we all ask ourselves that age

-old question, what shall I do with my Christmas pudding?

And as always, we get that same old answer, that same old answer.

Why not try making Christmas pudding pies? It's very, very simple. First of

you need some puff pastry.

Here is the pastry, and here is Johnny with the cream.

Authentically.

we must put in just a little tiny spot of absinthe. Because absinthe makes the

heart go wild!

Now then, we'll just have a look and see how our chicken's getting.

You put that there, you see. Now, onto this, we shall pour this lovely, creamy

white, creamy black sauce.

And I shall just cut myself a small piece of that to see what that is like.

And that is absolutely, mmm, delicious.

and we'll show you how to make boiled potatoes and custard.

Shut up!

Shut up!

Mervyn Craddy, welcome to the NFT.

It's an honour and a privilege.

It's an honour and a privilege for us. That's what I meant.

Now, Mervyn, I know you're going to disagree with me, but you are one of our

most brilliant actors.

Oh, no, no.

You're certainly one of our youngest stars. No, no, no.

And without doubt our most attractive film actor.

No, no, no. I'm not going to disagree with you.

That'll be true.

I think for me the most memorable moment in film was when you played the Doc. to

that thick family.

Inherit the wind.

Yes.

Now, opposite Margaret Lockwood's nurse. That's right. Yes, I know what you're

going to say. The scene in the operating theatre.

That's the scene. You kissed her when she least expected it.

I beg your pardon?

You kissed her when she least expected it. Oh, I thought you said where.

In that film, you turned her head.

I didn't do her stomach much good either, did I?

You're joking, of course. Of course.

Before you became the star you are today, you had your nose altered by a

plastic surgeon.

How did this come about? He caught me kissing his wife.

Then you were, in effect, the great lover before you became a star.

I used to tell him I'd run out of petrol.

Not overly original.

On the dodgems.

When I brought the car, I used to have the trailer in the back.

I don't care what anybody says. You know about these... Common Market Romeos. I

mean, for my money, the greatest lover in the world is the Englishman. Well,

surely it's the Frenchman who has that reputation.

The way he'll kiss a girl's hand, and then her cheek, her neck, and then her

ears. By that time, the Englishman's coming home from his honeymoon.

What was the very first film you appeared in? I

think it was Breakfast in Bed.

Did you find your role hard?

playing Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband.

In my next film, I had a speaking part.

It was opposite Julie Edge and Raquel Welsh.

Four of my favourites.

Peggy Mount and Diana Dawes was in it and all.

What was it called? Little Women.

Do you remember the film that first brought you to the notice of Hollywood?

The Lover.

Well, here's... the scene that got you all those wonderful notices.

John. Marsha.

Marsha. John.

Marsha. John.

Oh, John.

Marsha. John.

Marsha.

John.

Marsha. Oh, John.

Marsha.

John.

Marsha.

John.

Marsha.

Oh, John.

Oh, John.

John. Oh, Marsha.

John. Marsha.

John. Marsha.

George. Marsha.

George. George.

George.

George. George.

You certainly aren't afraid of showing your versatility.

No.

I'm afraid you might find the next question a little embarrassing, but I do

I must ask it.

How much of your current success do you feel is due to those daring Pet of the

Month photos that appeared in Playgirl magazine?

I didn't come here to discuss... Now, it was you, wasn't it, wearing nothing but

a staple in your tummy?

Well, what if it was? There's no shame in a naked body, you know.

They weren't phonographic or anything like that.

The thing of beauty is a joy forever.

I'm not ashamed of my body.

Besides, I wasn't naked. I was wearing flesh -coloured combinations.

Well, you looked naked to me. Well, I'd been touched up.

With an airbrush, I always do it.

If it distressed you so much, why did you do it?

Well, it was a long time ago. I was trying to make a name for myself, and I

this agent, and he got me in this show to start with. I'd do a dance wearing

nothing but gold paint.

Quite a novelty.

Unfortunately, the novelty wore off.

I mean, as you well know, when you put paint on the skin all over, you have to

leave just a little tiny hole to let the air come in.

And it's very, very different. I couldn't apply it all myself, and I got

wardrobe woman to do it. No, she was rough.

And she never warmed the paint or anything. She used to wipe it on with a

whitewash brush.

Oh, she can give me jits sometimes.

Tell me, standing there all alone in the spotlight wearing nothing but gold

paint, how did you feel?

Guilty.

And in this film, Home is the Hero, I play a soldier. I could never play that

real life on account of my religion.

I'm a devout coward.

You're joking, of course. Of course.

Don't come back.

I just know he'll come back, Leroy. But, Abigail, the war's been over for seven

years. He ain't never gonna come back.

I stood under when I was a boy.

Miss Gaylord.

What?

What?

I'd recognize that voice anywhere.

Miss Abigail.

routine of you. Where's Miss Abigail?

I don't care.

I'm here.

Why, I don't recognize that voice anywhere.

Daddy! Oh,

Miss Abigail!

I'm so proud of you. You've been out at the front fighting for peace.

Well, now I'm home.

Miss Abigail. Tell me, how is the old reverend gentleman?

He's a cannon now, Gaylord.

Well, my daddy a cannon.

Well, I'll be a son of a gun.

Talk to me about the Battle of Fort Dix.

I want to forget about the Battle of Fort Dix.

I was at Fort Jackson at the time.

The message came through.

The 30 ,000 of the enemy were surrounding our brothers at Fort Dix,

around to my 40 men.

My 40 men wounded and sick, lying there on the earth, on the grass, in the dirt,

in the filth.

Don't get up, all you men, because we're going in the four dicks.

We ain't going in the crawling on the bellies, neither. We're going in there

marching, men.

That's how we're going marching.

With our heads high and the flags a -waving, that's how we're going in the

dicks. Through the heat of the day, we're keeping on marching.

Through the cold of the night, we keep on marching.

Through the rivers and the swamps, with the mud and the water up to our bellies,

we keep on marching.

And we're going in there singing, men.

Glory, glory, hallelujah.

That's the way. That's how we're going to Port Dick.

Come on, you men. Into Port Dick.

Now. Come on.

Come on. Come on.

But they wouldn't get up.

Thank you very much indeed, ladies and gentlemen. I'm afraid that's all we've

time for, but we look forward to seeing you all very, very soon. Till then, bye

-bye.

laughter