Original subtitles

Thank you, Julia.

Come in.

Ah, Benjamin, do sit down, will you? Thank you, sir.

Coffee? Oh, how kind of you. There we are. Thank you. Now, do you

like her?

She's very nice, yes.

Oh, good.

I like an employee who has the same taste as I do.

They're the ones who get on here, you know.

Now, Peter, I've been looking at this account you've done, and by George, I

couldn't have done it better myself.

Yes, I must say, we do think alike.

Yes, indeed.

You know, this... I'll have to speak to J .R. about you, you know. This could

mean promotion.

Good indeed, yes.

I like a chap who's smart, you know, and intelligent.

Puss, puss, puss, puss, puss, puss.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Benny Hill Show.

And here is Benny Hill.

Oh, listen to the story of a Greek romantic fool.

I fell in love with my teacher when I was in school.

But I knew our love could never be, she could not be mine.

For she was nearly 23, I was 39.

I went to my first dance and I met Queen Mylene.

She had the loveliest eyes that I have ever seen.

I said, within your lovely eyes, I could live and die.

She said, the left one ought to suit his end because it's got a stye.

One day I was as miserable as I have ever been.

I went into a phone box to try to get in touch with Gene.

A policeman came and turned me out. I still can hear him yell.

Then he went back into the phone box and he turned her out as well.

She's got eyes that glow like cigarettes with ashtrays underneath.

And when she bites her fingernails, her mother hides her teeth. But she wouldn't

let me marry Jean. She said it was because she thought I was effeminate and

compared with her I was.

So come, my pretty Greek girl, come and dance with me.

Shine upon me as the golden sun shines on me.

Fill my lonely eager arms with your sweet ecstasy.

Oh, come, my pretty Greek girl, come and dance with me.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Very nice to be with you once again. Now,

of you who are thrilled to the exploits of the Baron and the men in a suitcase

will be delighted to know that yet another Mid -Atlantic series is about to

explode upon your screen.

Whenever a crime is committed which the police cannot solve through lack of

convenience, they send for the man who keeps our

town clean.

Undercover Sanitary Inspector.

Starring Mervyn Dirt as Dan Dan the Laboratory Man.

Mary Tyler Bathory as Ida Asia.

And Tiddles the Wonder Cat as Juana.

What? Oh, no.

Right. Thank you all. Keep close.

Wash that gal right out of my hair. I'm going to wash that old skipper.

You look flushed. What's up?

They got bathtub Jim.

Poor bathtub.

Tell me, how did it happen?

The oldest trick in the game.

The exploding bidet.

Yes.

An old hand like Jim.

Shot up.

some of them... I say, steady on, old man.

I'm sorry, Teddy.

Codenames only.

I'm sorry, Black Fog. That's all right, Brown Ale.

Brown Owl!

I say, did they, uh, did they find his ball cock?

I don't know.

If they get their hands on that, it means 20 years' work down the drain.

Damn, didn't Gina's plan that? A transmitting ball cock in every bathroom

Kremlin. We could monitor their every movement.

Take it.

Hello, Brown Owl here.

Initials only.

B .O. here.

Yes, I'm with the B .F.

I beg your pardon, who? You what?

Who is it? I don't know. She says she's the Bureau.

The Bureau's a tall thing with drawers.

Do you want to talk to her?

Hello? Oh, it's the Dozien Bureau.

Ah, the Dozien.

Oui, oui, madame. C 'est vrai, n 'est -ce pas? N 'est -ce pas?

Oui, bon, it's not the senior ruler.

They what?

Oh, sir, those wicked communists. They've been causing consternation on

continent. What? They've been creeping into the YWCAs at night.

Yes. And putting the seats up.

Damn reds get everywhere.

Oh, les cochons.

Wait a minute. Look. What is it?

Read. the situation's wanted column.

What, you're giving me the push or something?

No, no, no. I think there's something there that might interest you. Woman

mallet wishes to meet gent with bow legs.

Object croquet.

Is that the one you... Oh.

No, not that one.

Man wanted for skilled work in dynamite factory must be willing to travel.

Read on.

Socialist with knife and fork wishes to meet capitalist with steak and kidney

pudding.

Oh, sorry.

Try the next one.

Woman who takes in washing on Tuesday and Wednesday wants somewhere to hang

on Thursday and Friday.

Is that the one?

No. Oh. Try the one after that.

I love it. Signed, Nina.

That's it!

What do you mean, that's it?

Well, don't you understand, you idiot? I love it!

I love it!

Well, so do I. What's that got to do with it?

It's got a monopoly on it, you know. Don't you understand what that means?

is, I love it, spelt backwards?

I love it.

Tivoli. Tivoli. Tivoli. My God, you move fast. I do, don't I? Yeah.

Don't you understand what it means now? It means that Nina has made it to the

Tivoli bar.

If anyone can get their hands on Jim's ball cock, it's Nina.

Tell me, where is this Tivoli bar?

Istanbul. Off you go.

Istanbul?

I'd rather stay here.

I wouldn't dabble there if I were you. You might have your hand blown off.

You mean it's a booby trap?

They don't have things all their own way, you know. We still have a few

up our sleeve.

Not just up your sleeve, either. Here.

Tell us about this Ianina.

She'll, um... She'll be wearing rubber gloves, a plastic mac, and red army

boots. How will I recognise her?

Use your initiative.

I think it will rain this evening.

But I do not think it will rain tomorrow.

Red sky at night is shepherd delight.

In Spain, the rain stays mainly in the plain.

The moving finger right and having rest

moves on.

To write another bit.

A wet seagull never flies at night.

I've got a lovely bunch of cobras.

You will never find hairs on a duck egg.

But you will always find hairs on an ape.

on a gooseberry that stop it from being a grape.

So you're one of us. Of course I am.

For a moment, I thought you were one of them.

Thank you very much.

Walk with me. Very well, Madam Comrade.

To the free world.

I'll drink to that.

If you don't mind, I think I should go to the bathroom.

Mr. Undercover Sanitary Inspector.

I've been rumbled.

What have you done with her? She foolishly sat in a bath which previously

been coated with instant glue.

You can imagine the result.

Disarter. You imagined what happened.

It was very...

Thank goodness you got here, Teddy. What the devil are you doing here?

I don't know what you said. I went to that bar in Istanbul.

Istanbul, you idiot. I said the bar of the Istanbul.

The Bull Hotel at East Ham.

Oh, come on.

No, he tells me.

Listen, I've been in there all night.

I've been in there all night with that horrible, ugly thing lying down there. I

don't know what all night long I've been shouting.

How much I miss old Reverend Gray.

Of course, he want everyone's cup of tea. But, well, I like his style. He

service with a smile in his sermons. That's a bit of jollity.

Like sometimes just for a lark, he drop the odd remark.

Just to see that everyone was listening. Like he say, I know a man named Ho.

Because the vicar stumped his toe right back in the middle of the christening.

When his fried cod was bad, a lot of people would have got mad and told the

waitress to tell the chef to chuck his hand in. But he just looks up and says,

Miss, it would seem to me that this is the piece of cod that passeth all

understanding.

He says, Here, a week last Saturday we went down Cheddar Way at a picnic in the

caves just for a treat. I took the choir and Reverend George.

I says, Did you see the devil's gorge? He says, No, I can't stand watching

people eat.

week we buried old Fred.

Well, we had to. He was dead.

At the funeral, the vicar meets his uncle Jack. He says, well, how old are

He says, me? I'm 102. He said, it's hardly worth your while of going back.

But he always was a visionary.

Perhaps that's why you become a missionary.

Went to Africa to help some native tribe. He came home on leave one day. We

round there right away wondering what wondrous things he would describe.

He says, they big Zulus all wears fig leaves.

The little pygmies, they wears tea leaves.

Oh, he had some interviewing tales to tell. I says, here, tell me about the

pygmy. Does he really practice polygamy?

He says, he don't have to. He does it rather well.

He says, he says, I met this...

lip you bangy last in this tall jungle grass and i asked her to direct me to

ship she says i'd like to answer you but i find that hard to do because you see

you're standing on me bottom lip

he says they gets

drunk and goes into a trance and gets up and starts to dance on broken glass and

sharpened bamboo roots and burning red hot coal when you don't hurt them at all

Because you see, they wear these great big obno boots.

Well, one day he packed his tent.

Back to Africa he went.

Because he had faith of that there was no doubt. Like when he seen this lion

limp him with a thorn stuck in its foot. He just went up and he gently took it

out. And then he said a little prayer.

And he blessed the lion then and there and stroked its mane.

And his great big lion let him.

And then, to show it could understand, it went up and it licked his hand and

raised its paw and knocked him down and ate him.

Well, I don't like this new vicar we got.

And his wife, she ain't so what. He refers to her as my good lady Ellen. She

walks around in fancy clothes, but she's got a smell underneath her nose.

And half the time, he looks like what she's smelling.

I tell you, when I first got my place, the garden was a disgrace.

I tell you, it looked just like a wilderness.

Well, I worked day and night until I got it right, until I had cleared up the

rotten mess.

Well, they too come past one day, sees my floral display and my lawn all

smelling sweet and newly mown.

He says, it shows what God can do with a little help from you.

I says, you should have seen it when he had it on his own.

Still, I'll see Reverend Gray again when my turn comes to go. And then, I see

that in me mind's eye every day there'd be a band about the angels all laughing

thick to bust and telling them the tale would be Reverend Gray.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, for some more of those moments of television when

things don't go quite the way that they'd planned.

My foot!

Get it off!

Get it off, please.

These things happen in the best of studios.

And this ain't the best of studios.

Hiya, baby.

Show your Ma 38 so you can show me yours.

What was your mother a jockey?

Wait, I don't think he died of grief.

Cole, I'm calling you. You calling me, Kincaid?

I'm calling you, Cole.

Then go for your guns. Hold everything.

Now I'm going to get you for killing my brother.

what your washing machine is, whether it's the bend point, the hot wash, or

new robins, whatever.

What's that for?

Well, I didn't know you were going to move. I'm sorry.

Can we go again?

Hey, bartender, give me a beer, will you?

Have you known my grandpappy was an old guerrilla fighter?

What was your grandmommy? An old guerrilla?

You killed me.

Well, I reckon I'll hit the trail now.

Is that it? Strong.

Not just white, but clean and bright.

Yes, she's been using Percy.

And it shows.

Hold it.

Good evening.

I'd like now to show you some of my 71A style.

This one here, as you can see, it's had the full crimping and backcombing. It's

quite enchanting, isn't it?

Over here, this one is more nonchalant, more evocative of the youth of today.

It is mine.

The only person he had with him was a young 22 -year -old lieutenant.

Then he turned to this lieutenant and he said, whatever you do, don't take

prisoners. He found quite a guy, Carl.

She put me right off, then.

I didn't know she was that strong.

A nice clear soup.

And it has been done now, Johnny, dear. And it has been said, after the good

people, that she's done now, dear, not now, dear. And comes out nice.

And smooth.

And...

Enjoy

yourself. Love it.

Cole!

I'm calling you.

You calling me, Kinky? I'm calling you, Cole.

Then go for your guns!

I don't...

George. You've got to crouch more.

Down. I went down.

Cut it. Cut it.

I went. Get down.

I went down, George. Again. Go on.

What about my feet?

What the hell was your feet? Jump, man. You're an actor. Bloody triangle.

I'm sorry, Maria.

I'm sorry.

You must have paid.

It requires, of course, just a little pinch of salt.

And a soupçon.

Which, by the way, is not French for soup spoon.

Of cayenne pepper. And, um, Johnny, could you get the cayenne pepper,

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm delighted

to welcome to the show the lovely Nanette.

I feel so high, me oh my, feel like moving.

Round goes the ceiling,

looks like I'm feeling high.

High as a kite in the night, feeling

happy.

Singing is easy right now.

I need to see just what happens.

Bells started ringing.

Everyone singing like now.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. La, la, la, la, la.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

Turn me up, turn me down to the music.

Look at me.

I am free. Can't you see we can dance?

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

La, la, la, la, la, la.

Is this your foot?

Pardon? Does this foot belong to you?

Oh, this book.

It's a book. That is a book?

Yes. I thought it was a foot.

Silly me.

What then is foot?

That's a foot.

No, that is shoe.

Surely that is shoe.

That is a shoe. That is a shoe. And that is a foot. And that is a foot.

Learning all the time.

I know another one.

Knee. That is a knee.

No, no, no. That's a knee.

Yeah, that is a knee. Masculine knee.

Feminine knee.

That's a knee. Could I have my... Oh, I'll give you back your foot.

No, no, no. Shoo, shoo, shoo.

Learning all the time.

I must write down the new word I learn. The professor says, when you get a new

word, write it down.

And he says, I want the right and red and right. I don't want the right and

and rotten.

That's what he says to the professor.

See, I have left my foot at home.

My book, my book at home. Never mind, I shall remember.

When I get a new word, it goes straight up here, in my bum.

This is your head? No, this is my head, and that is your head.

Ah, this is my head, and that is your head.

Learning all the time.

What is bum?

Well, it's not a nice word. We don't say it. What do you say?

Well, we say bottom.

Don't say bum, say bottom.

What is a bottom?

Well, it's sort of... Oh, it's a naughty one.

Oh, it's a naughty one. Bottom.

Very, very well.

This is my bottom.

This is my bottom.

That is your bottom.

Learning all the time.

What watch is it?

Pardon? Have you the correct watch on you?

Oh. Oh, six.

Such much.

I shall go across the park now to the cafe and have fish and chips.

Do you like our fish and chips? No, I hate your fish and chips, but that's the

only thing I know how to ask for.

There are other things besides fish and chips. What do you think of steak and

kidney pudding?

Oh, Kate and Sidney who?

Steak and kidney pudding.

A steak and kinky pudding.

You're kidding me, pudding.

You're kidding me, pudding.

Pudding.

Pudding.

Pudding. Pudding.

Pudding, I'm sorry. That was naughty. I must not do that. I'm sorry. I couldn't

help it.

I like you.

I do.

I like you bust.

You mustn't say that.

Why not? It's true. Of all the girls I meet in London, I like you bust.

I know.

You mean Beth.

Beth. Beth, that is more good.

Yes. Ah, what is Beth?

I don't think I want to explain that. I have said, I have upset you.

I have said naughty words. I'm trying, I'm always doing that.

It's all right. No, no, no, no.

Don't worry. No, no, no, no, no.

I am a terrible man. I always, every time I open my mouth, I put my foot in

It's terrible.

No, no, no, no. I should go across to the cafe and have fish and chips by

myself. Oh, look.

Why don't you come back to my place? I couldn't do that. Look, I've got enough

here for two.

What would your mother and father say?

I live on my own.

Look, there's a 51 bus.

There's a 51 bus. If we hurry, we can make it.

Naked? Why do you say naked?

No, no, make it. Make it? Get on the bus. Get on the bus, it's naked. Ah,

yeah, yeah. What is naked?

I'll explain that when we get there. Yeah, yeah, that's good, that's good.

German?

Polish?

No, I come from Bradford.

Only, you see, if I don't talk foreign, I'm getting out.

Come on, my friend.

author of Love, Bread and Crumpets, View Up the Flu, I Was a Witch Doctor's

Clerk, and more recently the science fiction novel The Thing Without a Thing,

talked about his new book. But first of all, a visit to Dimpton -on -Sea's new

culture complex.

Rembrandt. Oh, yes, no doubt about that.

The sweeping lines, you know.

Isn't that a Picasso?

Not the Chipolata, that is.

Yes, yes. Oh, that'll be him, you know.

He had a few when he'd done that, didn't he?

Painted during his blue period.

You can see he wasn't happy when he'd done that.

You can tell.

Oh, so sorry.

Good evening.

Good evening.

a marvellous hour here in this particular art development with the

himself, Fred Scuttle.

Good evening, sir. Good evening, Lewis.

Good evening. Good evening, Mr. Scuttle. Now, tell me, Mr.

Scuttle, which of these paintings here is your favourite?

Without any doubt at all, sir. That one there, sir. And painted by... I did that

one, sir. Didn't I tell you?

But isn't that a Rubin? Where? Oh, that!

Yeah, that's a Rubens. Yeah, that's a Rubens. I was talking about that one,

I don't let myself down, you know.

They're both very nice, aren't they? They both seem to have, you know, a

certain charm, you know. I think this one has more to say, though.

It's very popular, that one, you know.

I did it from memory.

I did, yes.

Well, Mr.

Scuttle, what can you tell us about Rubens?

Rubens, sir, Edward Everett Rubens, sir, was born, and when he grew up, sir.

He'd become an artist, you see, sir. And he's a painter, you see, sir. And he

painted these lovely, luscious, beautiful, on cloud, completely naked.

You're dribbling, sir.

You do understand.

Yes, I do understand. Yes, that is it, sir, you see. And it's a wonder he had

any time for any work, isn't it, sir?

I don't know what he did. You see, he painted them like that, sir, because,

see, he was a figurist. He was a traditionalist.

He was a dirty old man, sir.

I mean, him over here, sir.

Rembrandt. Rembrandt. Johann Sebastian Rembrandt.

He could have painted nude ladies, sir, but he preferred to paint old men with

beards. What would you call him? A twit.

I'm only joking, of course. I'm a bit of fun with these artists, you know.

Like old Van Gogh, sir.

Anything you said to Van Gogh went in one ear and stayed there.

Why was that?

He cut his ear off, didn't he? He cut his ear off and sent it to his young

you see, sir. Yes, of course.

Why do you think he did that?

Nobody else do I know.

Perhaps he wanted to hear from us, sir.

I tell you, sir, they're a funny lot. These artists are, you know, they're

bohemian, you know.

Bohemian they are, sir. They have little peccadillos.

I find that hard to believe, sir.

Especially him, who painted half of it.

Aren't they those scaly things that David Attenborough brings back from

Paranoia, sir? No, no, no, I think you're getting confused. No, those are

armadillos. Armadillos, yes.

Armadillos. I see that, yes. Now tell me, why do you think so many modern

paintings are quite so bizarre?

I mean, for instance, where are today's portrait painters?

Well, sir, all I can answer you with that is where are today's models, sir? I

mean, nowadays, sir, we're becoming the lookalike people, sir.

Everybody's face is the same.

They all go to work together, sir. They all go to bed together.

Well, they go to work together anyway, sir. I mean, everybody's becoming the

same. There's no individuality, sir. Like, look, let me give you the next

Over here, sir.

Look at that, the moaning Lisa, sir.

I mean, look at that face, the way you could almost hear her talk, sir. What

does she say?

My girdle is killing me.

That's what we always say, sir. I'm only joking, sir. And over here, sir, the

laughing cavalier, old sir.

I mean, where would you get a face like that?

I've just seen it, sir. Come into the light, sir. God, I couldn't see the wood

for the trees. I've just seen your head, sir. And your face.

Oh, it's a little bit of face fungus on that face, sir. You'd be a dead ringer

for that one over there, sir. You would, really. You've got the sort of face an

artist loves, sir. It's a challenge.

You see, sir, it's funny without being vulgar.

Do you understand?

It looks like it's worn out two bodies.

It's that sort of a face and those delicate aqua -long features, sir. Could

just turn your head a little to the side? Just a little bit more, a little

more. There we are. That's lovely, sir. You like my profile?

No, you've been eating garlic. It's knocking me out of it.

I could get you a bit of modelling here, you know, sir. Modelling? Yes, yes.

Three bob an hour, you know. Three shillings an hour? Yes, sir. Is that

Well, that's all we pay Miss Timpton on sea, sir. And she's barefoot all over

for that.

Three shillings an hour? Yes, sir.

I mean, how can she live on that?

Well, that and her old age pension, sir.

She does very well indeed, sir, yes.

Well, indeed. Now, Mr.

Scott, I believe in this arts complex you have a very marvellous concert hall.

Oh, we do. With a concert every night of the week. Every day. I tell you what,

for the young in heart, For the swingers, for the kids, for the way -out

Gypsy Fred and the South Shield Slingopators, sir.

Featuring their gypsy vocalists.

You'd go potty, sir. Oh, long black hair, sir. Bare shoulders, low -cut

golden earrings. A lovely fella, sir.

You'd love him, sir. And he swings. He's with all the modern numbers, you know,

sir. Oh, you should hear him do, You made me love you. You woke me up to do

You woke me up to do it.

And there we leave the Dimpton complex and return you to the studio.

With the closing of the Variety theatres, the art of the quick -change

became a thing of the past. But here at least is one... Here at least is one

person who's keeping alive this most unusual occupation.

Now, Mr. Speedy Zapper, you are a director, producer, writer, and now

change artist.

Tell me, how do you do all these things?

Brilliantly.

Tell me, what made you take up this unusual occupation of quick change

As a protest against my family, they have two speeds, dead slow and stop.

My father moves like a nudist trying to climb a barbed wire fence.

My sister went out with a sailor, and before she could say I'm not that kind

a girl, she was.

My young brother, I said, where's my book? He said, it's over there.

No, he said, it's over there. I said, if you can show me anything lazier than

that, I'll give you ten shillings. He said, put it in there.

Now, I understand that some of your quick changes are so fast that they

actually be seen by the naked eye.

Well, I suppose if you mean something like... This, then?

Yes, yes, I do.

I must say, that really is remarkable. It is, isn't it? Yes. Is it also true

that you not only change costumes sometimes, but also character?

Yes. Would you like to see me? Yes, I would indeed. Right you are. Off we go.

Splendid. I wonder how many of you recognize who this is.

I put it...

I'll have you know, my dear,

my father... My father made the Brooklyn Bridge.

My father made the Empire State Building.

What did your father ever make?

What did my father ever make?

Look me over, big boy.

Just look me over.

I fell in love with Mary from the dairy.

But Mary didn't fall in love with me. Here, now. Now, here's one. Here, now,

listen. Listen.

Here. Jack and Jill went up here for a little hanky -panky.

If you came down with half a crown, he must have been a Yankee. There's one,

isn't he?

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I give you my most popular request.

It's beef.

It's beef.

It's beef.

And now, what is possibly my most difficult impression.

Bye -bye, Liz.

Oh, I can't keep that up much longer. Not at my age.

I feel better now. Well, good night, Mr. Morley.

Thank you, and good night, Speedy Zapper.

And good night, everyone.

Last night, I held a little hand.

It made my sad heart sing.

It was the loveliest hand I've ever held.

Four aces and a king.

I hadn't finished.

Thirty days past September, April, June, and November.

All the rest have 31.

It's so unfair.

Just two of the many... Roses are red and violets are blue.

So goes the age -old rhyme.

But I know roses are blue and violets are red. I've seen them hanging on a

Just three of the... Oh, of the collected poems of East End poet John

under the title...

Life is like a double bed.

Why did you call it that?

Well, I've always believed that it's true of life. It's probably the most

profound statement I've ever made in my life, you know. All the things, like a

gun and a posterior and all that, you know, and all the phrases and all that,

you know, I think it's the most meaningful thing I've ever said. Life is

double bed.

Why?

Why what?

Why is life like a double bed?

Well, if you're going to bleed and argue about it, like I am.

You know, don't get your knickers in a twist. I'm only talking, you know, you

know.

Mr. Bossom, you've got this reputation for not conforming, for being a bit of a

rebel. Do you feel this is due to your upbringing, your background?

Yeah, definitely, yeah, yeah. Because, like, my whole family, we don't conform,

you know. I mean, why should you?

We won't be dictated to, you know. We go our own way, do our own thing, you see.

I mean, that's what it's about, man, isn't it, you know.

My mum, she's a rebel.

My mum cooks with Kerrygold.

And, you know, some mornings, like, when we like having coffee, we just have it,

you know, just have a coffee, just like that, you know, when we don't shake the

jar and listen to the grandmothers.

I guess if we feel like it, we do, you know, and we get that nice Jamaican lady

from next door to come and, you know, jiggle a bottle or something, if we

feel like it, you know. I mean, the thing is, you see, if you don't conform

nowadays, you know, people think there's something wrong with you, don't they? I

mean, I got along there, didn't I, you know?

Well, you've got long hair as well. I mean, you ain't a fella, are you?

Anyway. I mean, they see me walking down the road with long hair, they think,

aye, aye, you know, they think straight away that I'm a smoked addict.

A smoked addict.

You know, I'm a partner all the time, don't I?

Then they find out me name's Bottom.

Well, that's a stupid name to give a kid, isn't it? Bottom.

That's neither one thing nor the other.

And then when they find out...

Then when they find out I'm a poet, I mean, they think, aye, aye, you know,

hair and a poet, aye, aye, I get livid. You know, I could eat them with my

handbag sometimes.

With all this ready -made entertainment available at the touch of a button, do

you think there still exists within people the urge to write?

Well, all I can say to that, darling, is walls.

You look at a whitewashed wall anywhere in London, it ain't whitewashed for

long, is it? I mean, the grubby little pencils are up.

scribbling it on there. Kilroy was here.

Happy New Year to all our readers.

I mean, there's probably as much feeling gone into Fred Fancy's flow

than the old of Charles Dickens, Romeo and Juliet.

I mean, I tell you, I think it's a lovely one. I tell you, there's a wash

brush up in Chapham.

I've never read poetry like it.

Beautiful it is. The meter, it scans, it's poetic. You know, one or two

mistakes.

And some of them illustrated.

Lovely. Shows vivid imagination.

It's a beautiful sight. It really is. You should go and have a look. Oh, you

can't. But it really is beautiful there. Why do you suppose that they find

inspiration in a place like that?

The solitude.

The magic of the moment.

This feeling of being cut off.

I mean, how can you define me in tangerines?

Mr. Barton, may we now have a poem from your new book? Right, yeah. This book is

called Now Is The Winter Of My Discotheque.

And this poem sums up for me in its entirety all the superfluency of modern

living and everyday affairs and all that.

The soldier sat in the army jail and his mother had brought him a puddin'.

But the sergeant said it was against the rules even though it was a good 'un'.

Then he saw the look in the mother's eyes and he knew she was feeling hurt.

So he did a thing he thought he'd never do. He upped a soldier to dessert.

The soldier got hold of his pudding.

And he ran with it back to his cell.

Then, put up your pudding for... He heard the sergeant yell.

If you want treacle on your pudding.

Pull it out without delay.

The soldier put out his pudding.

And the sergeant took it away.

Thank you, Mr. Barton.

At the recent

Samuel Peep's exhibition, No fewer than eight complaints were received that the

Samuel Peete Singers did not appear.

So we're going to put things right now, and here are the eight Samuel Peete

Singers.

A shy young mate has took a room down at the village inn.

Her bedside light is oh so bright and the curtains oh so thin.

At nine o 'clock she entered the room, at half past nine she sleeped. Lord

Clarendon walks quickly on, but naughty Samuel peeped.

On Tuesday night I kissed her hand, oh, I was very keen.

It was eleven inches long, the biggest hand I've seen.

But as I kissed that hand, a thought into my mind was foot.

If that hand had been one inch longer, I'd have hit the foot.

I said, pray tell me, what would you do if you fell in the sea one day?

Would you tear all your clothes off so that you might swim away?

She said, I would keep my blouse on, that's the method I'd employ.

For the air gets underneath it, and it acts just like a boy.

Oh, we know it's right, it's black and white, and it's all written down in the

diary. Oh, we know it's right, it's black and white, and it's all written

in the diary.

Very much indeed, and that's all we've time for now, but we look forward to

seeing you all again very, very soon. Till then, bye -bye.

Thank you.