Original subtitles

James, take off my dress.

Very well, milady.

Now my slip.

Very well, milady.

Now my corset.

Very well, milady. Now my camionette.

There, milady.

There. Now don't ever let me catch you wearing my clothes again.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Benny Hill Show.

And here is Benny Hill.

Now one day I saw in Girona, by a river so quiet and remote, eight lovely

girls from the college.

They were all in the same boat, and as they rode in unison by me, I gallantly

raised my hat.

And I said with a sigh, I wish that I could stroke a crew just like that.

Oh, but I'm flying south for the summer.

I'm going to follow the sun.

I'm flying south for the summer. Now the mating season's begun.

Now outside a bar in Toledo, where Marie had had more than her pill.

A man stood rotating a chicken on a flaming hot infrared grill. Now she

staggered up to him and she shouted with a voice just like a town crier.

She said, Senor, your barrel organ is broken. What's more, your monkey's on

fire. Oh, but I'm flying south for the summer.

I'm gonna follow the ton.

Oh, I'm flying south for the summer. Now the mating season's begun.

Big Anna from Lisbon once ordered a steak weighing nine and a quarter

The butcher, he said, will you take it, ma 'am, or shall I send it round?

She said, no, I just want to look at it, because I've been dieting like a chump.

And that's what I've lost, and I just want to see what it looks like in one

lump. Oh, I'm flying south for the summer.

I'm going to follow the sun.

Oh, I'm flying south for the summer.

Now the mating has begun With Melina I stood on a bus from Marthe She was

hanging on tight by the strap When she let her pretty white hanky fall On a

sleeping old gentleman's lap Now when he awoke from his slumber He saw everyone

staring at him And thinking it was his shirt tail He slyly tucked it in

And I went flying

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much indeed, ladies and gentlemen. Jolly nice to be with you

again. Now, one of the most popular shows on television is the one that

those great moments of sport.

Well, we thought it was time we showed you the other side of the coin.

Welcome to the world of love and laughter, baby.

Welcome to the sunshine of a brand new day.

to be found here.

These two told us that more skill was required in cutting off the enemy's head

than shrinking it, like they're doing here, to the size of an orange.

I'm sure we all know someone we'd like to do that to.

The witch doctor.

Here he is gazing into his magic box while he eats dried goat's milk with a

primitive wooden spoon.

Shut up! I'm what? The handsomest of the tribesmen.

He is strong, ruthless, fearless, but above all,

consanguiniteous.

Today he must be given in marriage to Bunte.

Doubtless you're asking yourself why this virile young man is to marry this

ugly, wizened hag.

She owns the house they are to live in.

is a contradictory one.

If after six months the young man hasn't felt joy with this woman, he may leave

her never to return.

In that case, he will find himself a young bride, like this 17 -year -old

Here she is at the water's edge, about to take her morning bath.

First she takes off her box, then her sandals, and finally her cuckold skirt.

And then, with her naked body glistening in the sunlight, she dives in and

disappears into the dark.

All right.

A beautiful... Yeah, I was watching that.

There's loads of nonsense.

Magpie's on in a minute.

Sitting watching children's programmes all the afternoon.

You should be out getting some exercise, getting rid of some of that fat.

Exercise gets rid of fat.

Well, how come you've got a double chin, then?

Well, I think how I used to go out with Willie Treader.

Now, there was a man.

someone else.

Oh, dear.

Not like that brother of yours.

50 years old and chasing...

What did John Wayne answer to that then, dear?

What did John Wayne... Oh, excuse me.

Your wife?

Would I have a maid as ugly as that?

Come, come, come. You know, I think she is rather attractive.

Hello. Oh, hello, hello.

We are your new neighbours. We have just moved in next door.

Do call me Bob. Much more friendly, you know.

I don't get it. No, no, no, you stay here.

The man should be the master in the house, is what I always say.

Oh, true, yes, true, true.

Now, won't you sit down?

Oh, thank you very much, most civil of you, yes. Yes, you may find that we will

take a little bit of getting used to, you know. My wife and I, we're rather

bohemian, you know, rather unconventional, really.

You know, two's company, three's the crowd, and...

Four is a great deal more fun.

That is, if they are broad -minded.

You were lucky to find us at home.

Oh, I heard you talking.

Oh, yes, well, that was just a little tiff.

Actually, Henry wouldn't swap me for anything.

Oh.

Pity.

Do you mean what I think you mean?

Well, you know what they say, Henry.

It's... you know, change as good as the rest, isn't it?

No, I don't think I could. I haven't been brought up that way, you know.

I can't ever imagine myself doing anything like this. Hello, I'm Mary from

Door. Like that.

Tea's nearly ready.

Mind you, mind you, I mean, there's always got to be a first time for

everything, isn't there?

Well, of course there is, Henry Monmouth. Well, let me introduce to you

This is Henry Mary. And this is Alice.

Oh, hello.

love one. God.

Sit down.

There we are.

Who's going to be mother?

Well, not me, that's for sure.

Don't start that again, dear.

Mary, you going to have a little lamb?

No, thank you.

Just a cuppa.

I'm off to Chelsea in a minute.

Sugar with or without?

Without. Oh,

no such luck, I'm afraid. Milk with or without?

Without. I'm doing a model for an artist.

With or without?

Without.

Don't worry, I'm taking it off any minute.

It goes to the milk.

Come with me, dear. I'll sponge that off.

I don't know what came of it.

They seem to be getting on very well together, don't they?

Oh, I say, yes, indeed.

They do, yes.

That's a good sign, you know. Is it? Well, I mean to say, Henry, I mean, they

like each other and we get along well together.

You know, after you've been married to the same woman for quite some time, you

begin to fancy a change.

Yes, I know. You know, you fancy something a little...

we could swap wives.

Oh. I mean, only temporarily, of course, because I realise, I mean, you wouldn't

want to part with your little Alice forever now, would you?

I really fancy your little Alice, I do. You know, I could really fancy a little

romp in the hay with her.

Well, I mean, I have to.

You! Now, I beg your pardon.

What? Do your side to it all. Well, I don't know. I mean, it's wrong.

Who says it's wrong?

Well, my doctor says it's wrong for a start.

He says I wasn't to make love to anyone except my wife.

He says I wasn't to get excited.

He says it's like my nerves, you know. Oh, nonsense, Henry. Do you the world of

good? Just hang on.

Supposing she don't want to, like...

Oh, see, well, my wife will. Don't you worry. I know my wife.

Once I get your little Alice next door, you know, come the old charm.

From your uncle!

Do your best, will you?

Now, you will excuse me, won't you? I just think I'll go and find the little

boy's room. Don't need to show me. I think I'll know the way.

Yes, all right.

I say, they're rather a nice pair, aren't they?

Yes, I can't imagine how she can... No.

He liked you, you know. How do you know? He did, though. Oh, did he? Well, I

think he's rather nice -looking.

He said he's, like, got some new contemptible furniture, like, in the

thought you might like to go and have a little look at it. I agree. Well, well,

well, well, well, well. Oh, um, Henry's telling me that you've got something to

show me.

Oh, yes.

As a matter of fact, I'll... I have. Would you like to come next door and

little daco? No, darling, I thought that.

You go now.

I won't be long.

I hope you will be long.

Oh, have they gone?

Yes. He doesn't hang about, does he? No.

I'll tell you something else.

More don't I.

I'm sure you're like Mummy.

Mummy?

Hasn't Daddy told you?

Daddy? Yes.

Oh, my God!

Hello,

darling.

Oh, he's nice, isn't he?

Hasn't he got saucy eyes?

But, Virginia, I thought I was going to be with you.

Oh, never mind.

I do mind. But I'll be like that in 30 years' time.

In 30 years' time, I will...

for you.

Did you make that?

Yes. That looks very nice. Can I just try a little bit?

Yes.

Oh, that's lovely.

You're clever.

Here, do you like magpie?

I never miss it. It's on in a minute.

Oh, ice cream sundae! I make my own ice cream, too. Oh, isn't that lovely?

Let me try one. Get stuck into that.

Oh,

and I'll have a nice lovely cake. Here, I say, we might get slim on lemon juice,

but never on sundae.

Now for just a few of those TV moments when things go awry.

Here are a couple of interesting items.

I wouldn't really.

Well, that's what we usually find.

Most Dove's users won't change.

Are you wearing anything at the moment you had washed in Dove?

Yes. This.

Why

don't

you kiss me?

You used to.

Did I?

I haven't changed, you know.

Haven't you?

No.

Good evening.

Here is the news. The Prime Minister, seen here with members of the Cabinet,

meeting to discuss Britain's economic policy.

It is hoped that... These

sheep that you can see here are being made by Suffolk's top shepherd.

Unlike other shepherds, he uses no dog, as these sheep will follow him anywhere.

It's no wonder we all get cold in this weather. But we needn't suffer from

because Benavite attacks the cold germs three ways.

Here, at the throat, preventing that sore feeling that you get. Here, at the

eyes, preventing running.

And here, at the nose, preventing that stuffed -up feeling that you get.

in the nose...

I'm over you. I've never seen you like this before.

And I hope you'll never see me like this again.

I'm sorry, Fiona, but when you mentioned Dick, everything went black.

Close to his throat, close to his throat.

That's it.

Right, cut!

I didn't mean cut.

Could you see if, um, if Darren Nesbitt's free, John?

Ladies and gentlemen, will you welcome, please, the

lovely Kiki D.

before got mad and closed the door but you said

try just once more I chose you for the one now I'm having so

much fun you've always shown me that loving you is where it's at and you made

me so very happy I'm so glad you

came in To my life

The others were

untrue But when it came to loving you

I'll spend my whole life with you Cause you came and you took

control You touched my very soul You've always shown me that Loving you is

well And you made me so

Bighead!

Bighead!

No, no, I meant him over there.

Flipping fairy!

Great fairy!

You call me a fairy? I'm not calling you a fairy. I'll bash your face in!

Officer! Police!

Officer!

Have we in Britain the police force we want? Or have we the police force we

deserve?

They are useless!

We have all been brainwashed into believing that things are what they are

And they're not.

I mean, what happens? You switch on to television. Somebody commits a heinous

crime. Twit.

Stealing a valuable mink vase.

They get in touch with the faint. Danger man.

Zed squad. Zed cars.

Ford squad.

Special branch.

And Randall and Hopsack. The criminal is apprehended in Rome in 35 minutes.

My bicycle pump was stolen eight weeks ago.

All they said was, next time you go into the dog and duck, take your bicycle

pumping with you. And somebody stole the bloody bicycle.

Well, you see, the police, they won't leave my boy alone.

It's absolute purgative for him. I mean, he's never done anything wrong in his

whole life. I tell you, his whole life he hasn't. You ask his probation

He said the psychiatrist said he had...

Cycle path attendancy.

And you see, he hits his old ladies because he hates his father, you see.

why he hits them, because he hates his father.

Why doesn't he hit his father?

His father'd kill him.

Because he knows, you see, that it's wrong to do all these things like

lead and that, you see.

Why doesn't his father show him the right way?

Well, he does, but he still gets caught.

Now he's in Brixton, poor little lamb.

Did his father ever see him?

Oh, he sees him every day.

Every day?

They share the same cell.

Oh, he's a lovely man, his father.

I'll tell you something.

That man's a saint. He's an absolute saint, his father.

I'll tell you something. When he was in Wormwood Scrubs, he got time off for

good behaviour.

What other wife can say that?

I'm proud of my husband, I am. I really am. My daughter as well.

Where is she?

She's just gone down to the supermarket to get something for something.

Do you know something? When she was given that lovely mink coat, she had a

,000 mink coat given by this very nice lorry driver.

And do you know, she gave it straight to me.

And do you know something? The first night I wore it out, I was questioned by

the police.

Anyone think they've never seen a lady with a mink coat before?

I mean, just because I was coming out of the bottle and jug wearing carpet

slippers and a pink cap, it doesn't have to do with it, has it?

Well, I mean to say, why don't the police go and get some of these

leave ordinary people like us alone?

That's what I'd say.

Look, I tell you something, mate, the police, the police are only here to

protect the property of the middle class, isn't it, right?

Look, I tell you something, listen.

If it wasn't for private property, you'd need no police force. You wouldn't need

one man, would you? Look, and I'll tell you something else, mate. If there was

no private property, you'd have no wars because there'd be nothing to kill for,

would there, man?

Don't you understand that? Look, you wonder what we believe in. You wonder

we all believe in. I'll tell you what we believe. We don't believe in yours.

We don't believe in mine. We only believe in ours.

Because all the beautiful things in the world are there for everybody to enjoy.

Now, for us to have, regardless of race, colour or creed or anything, anybody

who wants anything has every right to take what they want, doesn't he? That's

what it's about, man.

Who's pitched my bloody motorbike?

Officer? Well, here in the police station with me...

Detective Inspector Scuttle.

Evening all.

Good evening, Inspector.

Now, Inspector, you have heard the accusations.

Yes, sir. What have you got to say?

Pipple.

It's full of pipple.

Yes, sir.

I'll tell you something, sir. The British law court is one of the few

remaining... places in the world where true and honest justice is dispensed

with.

Police brutality?

Balderdash. Now, my respect, I must correct you here, because one of your

sergeants from this station here was reported in the local press for alleged

brutality. Ah, that's the local papers, sir. They're always doing it. It's these

criminal correspondents, sir.

They're criminal.

Only last week I was referred to as the detective inspector in the police bar.

But, Inspector, they retracted... I know. They said I worked in the police

as a defective inspector.

Well,

Inspector, we could go back to this alleged brutality.

Yes, it was alleged, sir. Just alleged.

That's all. I don't mean these things.

No, sir. Look, let me... I'll put you in the picture. Well, that'll be very

nice. I'll tell it to you in its entirety, sir. You shall know.

That's all right.

Arnold... Potts. Who is he?

He is a very shy, delicate, sensitive, highly strong detective sergeant. Oh,

yes, yes.

He was called to this house where a 35 stone ex -convict was

duffing up his dearly beloved with a crowbar.

Now then, sir, upon entering, Potts was severely struck on the head with a

Mahogany wardrobe.

Severely... using his nose and breaking one nostril.

Yes, sir.

Pardon, sir. That is where he went wrong. He went wrong. He laid a hand on

saying as he did so, ah, ah, who's a naughty boy then? He had no right doing

that, sir.

But you must understand it was the heat of the moment. He had his nose broken,

sir. Yes, well, I must say that I shouldn't like to have my nose broken.

Oh, I don't know. I don't think a plastic surgeon could do a lot with a

like yours.

Well, Inspector, could we talk about arrests?

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. The graph is there, sir. The graph is there, sir.

It's all there, sir. I see on the graph here on your chart that during the early

months of the year there weren't many arrests and then suddenly, in September,

this sudden shooting up of the arrests. Yes, that is right, sir. Now, who was

responsible for that?

Well, I would say, sir, basically, policewoman Goosen.

Policewoman Goosen. Yes, sir. You see, when it was...

It was partly her. She was making up the chart along here like that.

You were moving slowly backwards, you see.

Now, accidentally and inadvertently, I happen to be standing here, sir,

with my truncheon in my hand.

What you might call a collision ensued, sir. A collision, yes. Yes, causing her

to... That accounts for that, sir. That accounts for that sharp rise in

September. That is true, sir, yes. But what about the early months? I mean, you

hardly made any arrests at all. Well, you can't just go arrest anybody, sir.

You've got to get to the regulations, sir. Well, only the other day, one of

sellers, sir, he was outside the greengrocer's shop, sir. He saw a skinny

go in, sir.

A minute afterwards the same girl comes out with a beautifully rounded figure,

sir. And half a minute afterwards the greengrocer comes out saying two melons

was missing.

Well, sir, I mean, the constable gave chase.

Sir, as is his walk, tapped her on the shoulder, she turned round, and there he

was, face to face with two of the, one of the most baffling things to

you see, sir.

I mean, he was 99 % sure where them melons was, sir.

But he couldn't put his hands on them, you see.

You've got to be 100 % sure before you're allowed to put your hands on

know. And then he found out. What did he find out? She was a foreigner.

Oh, she was a tourist.

An au pair girl, sir.

Now then, sir, he had to explain to her in mime.

And he's no Marcel Marceau, sir.

But was an arrest finally met? Yes, sir. But we got him off.

He pleaded insanity, sir.

He said he was crazy about melons.

Well,

now, Inspector.

Obviously, the most satisfying thing in the police force, like any other

profession, is success.

Absolutely. Like rounding up a gang of criminals.

Don't go away.

That is what we have just done, sir. Only last Tuesday, Scotland Yard sent us

these 12 photographs of these fellas, sir. Within 24 hours, we had 11 of them

under lock and key, and we are hoping to arrest the 12th one by this time

tomorrow, sir. But, Inspector, these are 12 different photographs of the same

man.

Bloody hell.

Oh, well, never mind. We've got him, haven't we, sir? He's there. We've got

sir. Because his picture must be... Yes, we've got him, sir. But what about the

other 11 that you've already got locked up?

Well, we'll have to kid on that they're the jury, won't we, sir? Have you got a

flag on you? What about now?

Now, do remember...

was a penniless actor.

Pierre was a rich banker.

And so Fifi married Pierre and installed Claude as their butler.

This didn't work.

Claude returned as the chauffeur.

When this failed, Claude returned as the gardener.

But when he turned up as the maid, his troubles really started.

You made the ride, and he was obliged to share a room with her.

It was almost too much for him.

had to share a bed with her. It really was too much for him.

And so Fifi remains faithful to her husband.

After all, better an old husband than a lover who's a nervous wreck.

That's number one. Let's cover the top.

Now I just read an interesting article.

The most interesting I've ever seen.

And the nervous new rent collector got the wings at the very first day.

He said, Bob, there's a man building with a pitchfork far in my way. He

they put all of my tenants off their hot glass and well -bred. He was probably

holding the pitchfork because he'd been making the bed.

I know it's right. I know it's right. It's in the paper.

It's in the paper.

And the reader's right that Dr. Jolly could.

Because he helps them so.

If they say they suffer from acne, he says move to Walthamstow.

A woman rose to the park. God, this has been fought by her. He says just to keep

him wrapped up warm and don't void him at anyone.

I know it's true.

Well, that was... Shall I smoke that for the band, do you think?

They're over there getting ready to play, so I can't smoke with them. Come

No matter about that, then. Right, on we go. Now, that, of course, was the Hairy

Fairies with the new record. It's a smashing record.

It's an absolutely fabulous record.

It's in the papers on the front side.

And Kiss Me Again on the other side.

If I told you you had a lovely figure, would you hold it against me, would you?

Are you married?

No matter about that, then. On we go, then. And here we are. We're going to

Roger Twitter there now. You know Roger's Twitter. He's going to whistle.

going to whistle his little whistling song.

And it's called The Whistling Song. Here we go. How about that then, eh?

The way out in the end, there is a little man.

Oh, there's a little man.

You can compromise about me.

Have you known his whistling? His whistling is right along.

dancing there. You've all seen that, haven't you? I mean, lovely dancing.

They're all, ooh, they're all around there. And the one who's won the prize

there is going to get her prize now. And she's going to get it from your old

friend, Tony Blackbum.

Here he is. Go with her. Whoa.

Here he goes. Come on, Tony.

There you go, then.

Well, do it again, like you were doing.

That was marvellous. That was fantastic.

Last girl we had doing that, we found out afterwards she had a lighted

down the back of her dress.

I told her to go and sit that one out.

And here's Bobby Gently with the latest and the dustbins of your mind.

My

daddy

lived tonight. He never had a fever or a cold.

Because he couldn't drink or smoke or go with girls.

Till he was ten years old But coming from

the liquor store One night he went and got a terrible cough

And he rubbed his back with whiskey And he broke

his neck just trying to lick it off

I said I don't want to waste my youth.

and gentlemen, I don't have to tell you, this handsome young fellow standing

beside me now, well, the young fellow, he's pretty young anyway, and it is Roy

Orpington, so I won't tell you.

Anyway, he's come over from America, and you know that, you all know him. Now

then, Roy, what have you come over here for? Tell us all about it. I know you're

here to promote the record, but you've got nothing but the record. Oh,

I'm fine.

And then you're doing your tour, aren't you?

It's out there, Southampton and Bournemouth.

I want you to know Jimmy Cher is a great player for me to be on your show.

Like that, you know.

Well, off you go then.

Roy, now he's going to sing it. I think it's a smashing song.

It's fabulous. Here it is. You're going to enjoy it. It's called Only the

Lonely. How about that? Roy Orbison, come on.

the spatulas, and I'll never know.

I'll never know, never know, never know, never know. I'll never know, never

know, never know, never know. I'll never know why a horse racing in the

field all day should be so hard to catch and be so full of hay.

I'll never know how a rose can look so sweet and pure.

And hold its head up high when it's standing in manure.

I'll never know.

I'll never know.

I'll never know. I'll never know.

Oh, I don't know why Mother Nature gave my wife such a beautiful face.

Yes,

Mother Nature gave my wife that beautiful face.

She stuck her tongue in it and spoiled up the big lock. Why, I'll never know,

never know, never know, never know. I'll never know, never know, never

know, never know. I'll never know, never know, never

know, never know.

Well, that's all we've time for now, boys and girls. Anyway, and we're going

with a number one, and it's Ronnie Aldrich and the Layabouts. And here they

Bye -bye. See you all.

Thank you.

Thank you.