Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Benny Hill Show.

Benny Hill.

Benny Hill.

Now the dogs who roam across the Mexican desert could give a horse 20 -yard

starts. They have to run fast in the Mexican desert because the trees are so

apart.

I ride across that desert and I think of my sweetheart, my happy heart's longing

to shout that I love Juanita Bonita Dolores. I just hope the wife never

out. I love Juanita Bonita Dolores.

Happy forever I'll be with you.

Juanita Bonita Dolores.

Wait on her honey and look for me.

I ride through Merida and I see a young maid in her eyes. They are bright with

desire. I cannot help looking as I see her cooking dumplings on her open fire.

She wears a sombrero and a dress that's cut solo. It's bright and it's green as

the clover.

I near lose my nerve. I can't help but observe that her dumplings are boiling

over. But I love Juanita Dolores.

Happy forever I'll be.

Juanita, Juanita Dolores.

It's on her at the end of for me.

I arrive at my village. She left me a message.

I read it and I stand there aghast.

She says, Dear Don Pedro, I'm writing this slowly because I know you can't

very fast.

Oh, I love you only, but I got so lonely I could not wait for you to come.

So I went to Nevada and I married your dada.

Yours sincerely, Mom.

No more will I see Bonita Dolores.

A bachelor I'm destined to be.

No more on her at the end.

Talked about player in the country.

Just watch him here at press.

There he is. Watch that lovely, lovely ball come from.

If not surpassing Daughtybeth at its very best.

Look at that.

Gil, just look.

It won't take me. Magnificent.

Magnificent.

you some of the skill of this amazing player, Ginger Tompkins. And now here to

talk about Ginger Tompkins to Percy Varmint is the captain of Dimpton City

football team, Ernie Sutch.

Now, Ernie, as the captain of Dimpton City football team, or at its first

becoming known Ginger Tompkins Liberal, it's...

that Ginger is entirely responsible for this sudden upsurge of female football

attendances. Would you agree?

Oh, yes, he's so lovable, you see.

We love him, you see. I mean, if there's any function or anything, if there's

any girls there, the girls don't want to know me and the rest of the team, you

know.

They're off after him, you know. Because he's so lovable, you see.

Is there no jealousy?

Oh, no, no. You couldn't be jealous of anyone as lovable as that. The rest of

the team, we...

We just wash up the ground that's coming, that he plays on.

I believe that Ginger earns more money than the whole of the rest of the team

put together.

Yes, he does.

He's so lovable, you see.

What's his home life like?

Oh, he's got a lovely little wife, you know, and a couple of lovely little

you know.

I wish I could say something nice about that red -headed tart he's carrying on

with, but you can't say something nice about... People say nothing, that's all

say.

Now, when Ginger's playing, I mean, your attendance must be in the region of

about 40 ,000 to 45 ,000 spectators.

What sort of attendance did you get when Ginger's not playing?

About 28 ,000, 29 ,000. No people.

So lovable.

Ernie, you must be one of the oldest captains still playing first class

football.

And, of course, things haven't been going all that well for you just

have they?

If I wanted to, rather ropey seasons, haven't you?

How old are you now, Annie?

Forty -eight? Forty -seven.

I mean, you must find it a wee bit difficult trying to keep up with this

young chub, this young genius, this phenomenon.

So lovable, yes.

Tell me, tell me, tell me, Annie, what would you do? What would happen right

now? Say Ginger was in the penalty area.

What would he do if someone told him a dummy?

He'd probably stick it in his mouth, the juvenile little twit.

And then he'd end the ball. And he'd score.

And he'd stop the game. Why?

He'd have to drag his head out from between the goalposts, the little big

But what would you do without him? I don't know, but I'd like to try.

He's not lovable, he's horrible.

I hate him, and I'm glad I hate him. If I didn't hate him, I'd like him, and I

hate him. Well, I think that's all we have time for now. We'd better go over

the...

Here at the assembly rooms in Loganbury, it's time for the main bout of the

evening between Two -Ton Grudge and Big Ben from Ballon.

See our Christmas tree, Tom?

It's all hung, hung, hung, hung with fairy lights.

Here, look at that one in blue down there.

Cool. That's good. I wouldn't half like to... Take her out.

Do you want me to throw you at her?

No, I might see something better.

Upsetting you again, Tom? Yes, yes.

You know you're troubled, don't you? No.

You're too soft.

Hearted. She's making my life a misery, Ben.

I don't know what's come over you, Tom.

Honestly, honestly, Tom, I've never seen you like this before.

I think there's someone else.

That puts you in a very awkward position, doesn't it?

You know your trouble, don't you? No.

You're too easily hurt.

It's your trouble, mate.

You've got to get yourself straightened out.

You're making me a nervous wreck.

Why are you bothering with her? She's nothing to look at. What do you mean?

She's good looking, sir. All right, all right. She's good looking, yes. She's

very attractive, yeah.

I know why.

What? You fancy her, don't you? No, no, no, here!

in champagne.

Cheeky devil.

He's got a bird with him.

Oh, she's bonny. Oh, she's big.

You don't get many of them to a pound, I'll bet.

Lovely.

Oh, she's taking her coat off.

She's got a nightdress on underneath.

Oh, be prepared, eh, Thelma?

It's a red one the same colour as that one I bought you for Christmas.

Thank you.

Thank you.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, for some more of those awful moments of

television when things don't go...

to me when I'm working. I'm sorry.

Honestly, I've got no chance.

Another time, another place, another

world.

They're waiting for our next contestant.

Who am I speaking to who wants to play the golden chute?

Now, we want you to try and burst the bubble on our cleanliness target. The

bubble that's coming out of the chimney there.

So, Barney, the bolt.

And, Mr. Stoney, you've got just 30 seconds to hit our target, starting from

now.

You've won our zinc prize.

And here is Ben Lowe to tell you all about it.

Yes, Mr. Stoney, you've got an electric cooker with eye -level grill, if you

kneel down, and an all -electric fridge, so don't get a shock when you take it

over.

Taking nobody in, Sheriff. I said I'm taking...

Put on the... Oh, yes. Yes, of course.

Barney, a double.

Oh, that's fine. Do you have any hobbies, Mr... Oh, yes, yes. I've got

I'm very keen on hobbies.

Dahlias. Dahlias.

Oh, yes. Lovely blooms every year. Lovely blooms. That is most

can't see a thing.

Well, you've got just 20 seconds to beat the...

Oh, yes, yes, of course, yes.

There we are. And, um, now, uh, Barney, the boat, if you please. And you've got

just 20 seconds to... Don't touch it!

I've provided to the studio a very eminent person who has no idea of the

and I've just received a message. In fact, I've had the wink.

He is now ready in the studio, so let us go straight over there now.

Good evening, sir.

I believe you are under the impression that you have come here to receive a

presentation.

Yes. Well, I have to tell you, George Podmore, musician and extraordinary,

composer, man of letters.

No,

no, no, George, don't go, please. Just sit down there, make yourself at home,

and just be our guest for a little while.

Now, I want you to listen very carefully, George, and I wonder if you

this voice.

Straight ahead for woolens and twinsets, over on the right for skirts and

blouses.

Now, George, do you recognize that voice?

because it is your old friend Stan Moore from Romford.

Hello, Mr. Renos.

Andrews. Andrews.

I'm in effervescent mood tonight.

So you are Stan Moore from Romford? No.

I am Ron Moore from Stanford.

children, and my hobby is flying my kite.

Furthermore... Now, Stan.

Ron. Now, Ron, I believe that you first met George Podmore here at Niggles

Haberdashers in 1932.

No. It was 1933.

I remember it quite well, because that was the year I was transferred to the

ladies' lingering department.

And I might add, in that department, I had one or two rather interesting and

amusing experiences, some of which were true.

I remember once, for instance, I had the honour of serving our Lady Maris with a

transparent negligee.

I bought one for my wife. It was lovely. You could see right through to her

vest.

Ron, what sort of a person was he?

Who?

Him, George.

Oh, he was all right. But I myself... I myself was in charge of the old

department, and I used to regale the Lady Maris.

with tales of all the assistants' pranks.

At this, the Lady Maris, who's rather on the plump side, fairly shook with

laughter.

They must have been quite a handful.

I beg your pardon?

George Podmore and his friends. Oh, yes, yes.

You do know him, don't you? I've never seen him before in my life.

What on earth are you doing here?

Opportunity Knock. Is this your life?

Oh, I thought it was Op Knock.

I've got a singing sanitary inspector outside.

He'll go clean round the bend.

I didn't know. I thought Huey Green was looking a bit old.

Well, there we are, George.

Well, now we're going to go back even further, several years even further,

to those happy, carefree days of your youth. Back to your school days, in

at Crabtree Lane Juniors.

Now, George, I want you to listen very, very carefully and tell me if you

remember this voice.

Now, Georgie, stop that at once!

You naughty boy!

Do you remember that voice, George?

No.

Well, you should do, because that is your old schoolteacher, Miss Emily

That's George over there. God, you have changed.

What a pity.

We knew he wouldn't turn out to be much, but we didn't know him quite as bad

as... What a pity.

I suppose all those lines are all the result of riotous living, is it, eh?

No, certainly not.

What a pity.

You haven't even enjoyed getting like that, have you?

I'll tell you, Emily. Emily, what... What was George like as a child? Well,

child, he was a delicate, sensitive, rather highly strung little boy.

You know, I should never forget the first time I saw him. I came into the

classroom and there he was, sitting at his desk. And in his hand, he had a copy

of 101 Stories the Nurse Explains.

And he held it up to me, looked at me with those big, grey, blue, bloodshot

of his. And he said, book, book, like that. I thought I was all pleased to

He was only 14.

Tommy, did you ever have to cane him? No, I didn't believe in the cane. You

I had a rather wonderful book on child psychology.

Used to belt him round the head with that.

Zonkity, zonkity, zonk. We used to go happy days.

Wasn't he ever naughty?

No, he was naughty upon occasions, yes. I recall one occasion when he... No, I'm

not going to tell about that.

I could hardly tell about that, could I?

It was a high wall, though, wasn't it?

I remember another incident when he was rather naughty, too. It was at the end

of a chemistry lesson, and it concerned two of his other mistresses.

School.

Oh, I don't know. And myself. And, oh, dear, what a calamity. The naughty boy

locked the three of us in the laboratory.

Thank you very much. It's wonderful.

Do you think I might have a chop -chop before I go?

Oh, isn't he lovely?

you excelled in many different fields.

They made you football captain because you were good at football.

They made you cricket captain because you were good at cricket.

And they made you vice captain because you were good at organizing things.

You left school and you took on several jobs.

A faggot maker's bottom knocker.

Olive stuffing in a pickle factory.

But at all times you kept up your hobby. The hobby that you found so satisfying

and rewarding.

Now, George.

I wonder, do you recognize this sound?

George, do you recognize those dulcet tones?

No. Well, you should do, because it's your old friend from the Tidmarsh Brass

Band.

You never said it was a caramel, did you?

Now, uh... Now, what are those long creakers back there?

Now, uh, Fred.

Yes, sir.

Fred, I... I believe that you knew him well. I knew the old family, sir. I knew

his sister. I was at his sister's wedding. He was there. He was at his

wedding. Did he give her away? Never said a word, sir.

He did. He was all dressed in white, sir. In white, sir. Didn't fool anybody,

mind you.

It was like a long dress. It was one of the long ones, you know. You mean it

fell to the ground?

Not while I was there, it didn't.

I don't know about any of it. Tell me, what instrument did he play?

What didn't he play, sir?

The clarionet.

That's why he didn't play. That's why he didn't play. No, he was the...

What did it say?

Help.

He was marvellous. He used to play classics. Anything he wanted to play,

and roll, skiffle, we never tied him down, sir. No, no. Unless it was a full

moon.

And then, by George, we had two, sir. Oh, yes.

Full moon, a Will Swift, a packet of crisps and a tizer,

and he was off.

Real gone crazy, man. Yes.

Stands we used to go on, eh? The one -night stands.

Oh, yes.

George, do you remember the one -night stands?

Oh, yes.

All -male performers.

No, no, no. An all -male orchestra.

Well, all except Amy Hardcastle. She was a woman. You remember that.

Was she a virtuoso?

When she joined, she was.

He would know more about that than I would.

She played the cello. The cello?

Sidesaddle.

You're not... I suppose so, you know. It's very dangerous.

One slip, sudden death.

That's what causes the fracas on the podium, sir.

The fracas? On the podium, yes.

No, I'm not going to do it.

You're not luring me into that. No.

The thing is, you see, she would be placed about here. I can stand back

you. You see, she'd be bowing across here.

You see, bowing, bowing across there, you see. And he would be standing about

here, you see, in close proximity to her.

And he had a very short base.

He's like that, you see.

You haven't forgotten, she's here.

Harry.

Well, sir, come the overture to the Hebride. Oh, that's all right, sir, you

know. The four Indian love lyrics by Amy Woodford Bypass.

The near Lopperton serenade.

Yes. All right, sir. All right.

But imagine what would happen, sir, with Poet and Peasant.

He don't be down my knees. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, like that, you see.

I get the point.

So did he, sir.

We should do something together one day.

Not 1980, sir. Yes.

Oh, indeed, sir, yes. He was very upset because he was walking about on tippy

-toe for months, you know.

He was three foot six when he joined the band, you know. That, you know.

The way to grow, sir, indeed, sir, yes. Was there much of a feud of any kind?

Oh, there was a feud, sir, yes. A great lot of animosity, sir. Oh, really? Oh,

we used to rehearse at her house, and one night, sir, she accused him of

transposing his pizzicato all over her crescendo.

And had he? He hadn't left the house, sir.

Hadn't been near the flowerbeds all night.

I see, yes.

He was keen.

Oh, keen as mustard, sir. I'll tell you something, sir. The band mascot used to

live at his house.

The band mascot?

Yes. And what was it?

It was a man -eating Nicaraguan wildebeest.

My goodness.

And where did this wildebeest sleep?

Anywhere it wanted to.

It's memory lane tonight, Boston.

Tell me, did this have any effect on his married life? No, that... No, that

didn't stop at the bass playing, did it? Oh, I see. He was so keen on his... It

caused the divorce, sir. Divorce? Didn't you read about it, sir? I never did,

no. It was in the news of the world. Really? No, I tell a lie to the melody

maker. Oh.

I get them muddled up.

Frequently, you see. No, sir. He was so keen on his bass playing, playing... He

used to dream he was playing his bass at night. No.

In bed.

Next to his wife.

I mean, sir, in the middle of the night, he'd grab his wife round the neck with

one hand.

He'd slap her on the tummy with the other.

And he'd shout out, Goal, man, goal!

And it must be jelly, cos jam don't shake like that.

And another one of just the... of what I'm not going to say.

You see, well, that's a... You missed three o 'clock in the morning, sir. It's

unbelievable. I know, sir, because he had every opportunity for all things.

He did, sir.

He, sir... He, sir, could have been one of the finest singers in the country. He

could, sir. I taught him how to sing, took him clack -a -clack of flexibility,

sir. Yes, sir, I taught him to sing like Ema Sumac.

How did you manage to get him to sing so high?

is the trade secret.

I could not divulge that, sir.

Otherwise they'd all be at it, wouldn't they, sir? You wouldn't be able to tell

Mick Jagger from Petula Clark.

Not without looking at them.

Then you'd have a job.

Well, now, I wonder, Fred Scuttle, if you could manage to sum up in just a few

words George Podmore's character for me. Yes, I can say this, sir, and I'm sure

I can say this without any fear of contraception whatsoever.

is one of the finest, most noble, most hard -working gentlemen you could wish

meet. And it's not just my opinion.

It isn't all.

That

was

your old friend, Fred Scott. Do you remember him now, George? Ah, I do.

you know, we go to great lengths on this programme to bring you all your old

friends. It took quite a lot of effort and string -putting to get our next

along. You helped to shape his life and his career.

And I'm sure you will be delighted, as everybody else will be here, and

to meet your own son, Richard.

Thank

you.

Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for being with us, and we

look forward to seeing you all again very, very soon. Till then, bye -bye.

Thank you for watching.