Original subtitles

Thank you.

Thank you very much indeed.

Thank you.

Thank you so much. Ladies and gentlemen, it's very nice to be back with you once

again. You know, for quite a while we've been on at the BBC to put on an amateur

talent show, and at last they have agreed to do this, but they've left it a

little bit late.

As a matter of fact, most of the good talent has already been used.

However, here is the best of the rest in the BBC's own Opportunity Calls.

Good, good evening and welcome to Opportunity Calls, the show in which we

to prove once and for all that the stars of today are truly the unknown artists

of tomorrow.

Over here, ladies and gentlemen, we have our first discoverer, Stan Moore from

Romford. So you are Stan Moore from Romford.

No, I am Ron Moore from Stanford.

Married, I have 15 children.

My hobby is flying my kite.

Well, that really is wonderful. Thank you. Really wonderful.

Well, tell us, who have you brought along with you this evening, sir?

Well, Huey, I brought along Egbert Nogsworth.

Eggnog for short.

Well, we want to hear from him. Now, ladies and gentlemen, for Egbert

from Eden, opportunity comes.

Just read an interesting article, the most interesting I've ever seen.

It told the difference between a fat girl and a girl who's lean.

It said both of them may smoke a cigarette, but it's one of life's

that the fat girl always finishes first, because she takes bigger draws.

I know it's true.

I know it's right.

It's in the paper.

And the fashion editor tells us that the necklines are getting bold.

Now wearing the new religious look, it's what they call low and behold.

Now the necklines are getting lower and the skirts go up each week.

I don't know where it's all leading, but I'd like to be there when they meet. I

know it.

the papers in black and white.

And the readers write that Dr. Jolly good because he helps them so.

If they say they suffer from acne, he says move to awesome so.

A lady wrote that a cartridge had been swallowed by her young son.

He says just you keep him wrapped up warm and don't point him at anyone.

I know it's true.

I know it's right.

He is Albert Trent from Walthamstow. And tell me, sir, who have you brought

along with you this evening?

I've brought along my cousin Huey Huey.

Huey Huey?

No. His name's Huey.

Huey. Your cousin's called Huey, too.

No, he's just called Huey.

Well, tell me, sir, when did you first discover that your cousin had this

talent? Well, I'll tell you, Huey.

One Christmas, like, he'd come up from the West Country, you know, and stay

us, like, and he was spending all his time up the attic, you know. Well, I

thought he might have been a bit cold up there, you know, but he wasn't, because

he, like, had Anita up there.

Anita who?

Not to make me rude. An eater.

An oil eater.

When you ask a silly question, you get a silly answer.

Well, anyway, we want to hear him. And now, for your cousin and his fiancée,

work under the professional name of Cheddar Cave and Gorgeous, Opportunity

then, Johnny?

Hello, Dugganer.

Johnny, I hear that you won 75 ,000 pounds on the football pools last year.

That's right, Dugganer.

75 ,000 pounds.

Tell me, Johnny, what did you do with all the money?

I gave most of it to charity.

Well, that is very good of you. That's what I keep telling her.

She'll never find another like me.

you had a lovely higger, would you hold it against me?

Right,

you go then.

Well, that's all right.

Good help.

Thank you.

And, Johnny, don't keep pushing the girls about.

Well, good help. Here, are you going to drink that?

That's quite right, Johnny. I'm going to drink this. And what am I going to do

in the meantime?

In the meantime, Johnny, you are going to...

recite the alphabet why don't you drink that incostable

incostable impossible eh well we shall soon see

about that off you go A G C D

Now, Miss Fosdike, as the principal of a stage academy and an ex -actress

yourself, tell me, what advice would you give to the young, new actors and

actresses of today?

Well, Huey...

Why was that?

Because, as a rule, there was no one... And

another thing is, it never paraphrased.

What exactly would you mean by that?

Well, for instance, if the script says he was bent on seeing her, then you must

say he was bent on seeing her. Not the sight of her doubled him up.

I see. Well, tell us...

Miss Fosdyke, do you still act yourself at all?

Oh, heavens above, no. I live in quiet retirement in Reigate with my 12

and my husband.

He's a producer, you know.

Madam.

Madam.

Who have you brought along with you this evening?

Well, Huey, I've brought along three of my pupils who together make up Fred and

the debutantes.

For Fred and the debutantes.

Opportunity call.

I just want to say, keep those letters coming in, will you? Because it really

your vote that really counts. Here's the address to write to friends. It's to

me, Huey Carlton Green, Television Center.

I'll just give you that address once more.

It's Charlie Pimple, Christian Grove, Hitchinburg.

Don't forget, folks. Tune in again this time next week and see last week's

winners, Kathy Kay and Alan Bree.

Jeremy Gulliver.

Good evening, viewers. I'm speaking to you from the office of Stuttle Airlines

Limited. And they're offering this year what must be one... What must be one of

the cheapest holidays on record this year.

Great Britain to the continent by air for only 22 and 6 months.

And with me now is the managing director, Mr. Fred Scuttle.

Good evening, sir.

Good evening, viewers.

Good evening, Mr. Scuttle. Well, now, do tell us.

Great Britain to the continent by air for 22 and 6 months. Yes, sir. Well,

how do you do it?

By keeping our overhead down and our own undercarriage up.

I see. Small profit, quick return.

Exactly, sir. Yes, yes, yes. I see. Well, now, tell me, Mr.

Scuttle... Captain Scuttle.

With a cap. Captain Scuttle. Yes, yes.

Sorry.

Captain, you're one of the pilots, then? Oh, indeed, yes. I've been at it for

years, sir.

Flying, that is.

There's a continent under this.

I've flown all sorts. I have. I've flown a lot.

Bikers? Oh, yes, sir, yes.

Ukes, oh.

And you know, even now, sir, I still get a thrill.

I still get a thrill now, sir, when I hear the old steps calling out, fasten

your safety belts, fags out, chuck away.

No, sweet, they don't mind, sir. It's all right.

It's off, off into the wild blue yonder, sir. You'll never, you never know

what's going to be up there, sir.

One minute, sir, you're cruising along with the wind whistling round your

fuselage.

The next minute, sir, you're bobbing about like a puff of wind in a column.

Tell me, Captain Scuttle, how many pilots do you have? Just the one, for

The one? Yeah, I am the pilot. We only have the one plane, you see, sir. Only

one plane? Come on, sir. In your brush, you are, Captain Scuttle, it distinctly

says you've got a fleet of planes. Where does it say that? There, there, fleet

of planes. Where does it say that?

Oh! Oh, yes, yes. Oh, it does, yes.

Oh, that's a typographical error. That's Phoebe's on that, you see. Phoebe,

she's your secretary?

As well, yes.

As well as what?

Well, as well as being the airline stewardess.

Where is she now, Captain? Keeping it off.

Keeping it off?

Yeah, well, she had a bit of a busy night last night with you. Oh, you know.

She can resist anything except temptation, you see.

And I can't get through to her that the drinks are for the passengers, not for

her, you see.

It's a funny girl, but she's the only girl I can get for the money, actually.

Oh, how much is that? Two pounds a week, sir.

Two pounds a week, Captain Scuttle. Can she live on that? Oh, yes, sir. That and

her old age pension?

Well, now, telling more about this trip, Great Britain to the continent for 22

and 3. Yes, sir. Where do you take off from?

Dragon Tree Airport.

Oh, where's that?

Out of Hebrides.

Yes, you take off from the outer Hebrides, and where do you land? On the

continent, sir.

Yes. Captain's got a whereabouts on the continent.

Well, that depends where we run out of fuel.

It's lost, you see. We don't commit ourselves, sir. You'll see it down

don't commit ourselves. No, but where do you make for?

Trouville. Ah, Trouville. Well, that's in France, isn't it? Is it?

Yes, more than that. Yes, I'll settle for France, yes. Have you ever landed at

Trouville? Oh.

Two or three times, sir.

At the airport?

No, sir, at the tennis club, actually.

We land on one of the tennis courts, you see, sir.

You land on a tennis court? Yes, sir. Tell me, how on earth do you manage to

stop in such a short distance?

They leave the net up.

Captain Scuttle, when is your next flight scheduled?

We are flying tonight.

Sounds like a Chinese chip chop, doesn't it?

Now don't forget, viewers, the cheapest way to the continent, Scotland Airlines,

only 22 shillings and sixpence. Yes, but before you go, Captain, you take off

from the outer Hebrides. Yes, but how does one get to the airport?

Oh, we have a boat that goes across from the mainland.

Ah, I see.

Now how much does that cost?

That's 35 pounds single.

With the new divorce laws, England will become the easiest place in Europe in

which to get a divorce.

But what's the situation in the rest of Europe?

Well, my wife, she's so cold -blooded, you know. She's like a refrigerator.

I'm a very hot -blooded man.

Makes life very difficult, huh?

But now everything is all right. Life is worth living again.

We have got twin beds.

But I mean, how does having twin beds help?

Hers is in Dusseldorf. Mine is in Berlin.

The people of Bessarabia no can have the word. It's forbidden.

My wife, she don't sleep at night.

Got to hypnotize herself to get to sleep.

All night long is a toss, a toss.

Got to sleep.

Feets, feet, go to sleep.

Kniez, kniez, go to sleep. All over, go to sleep, go to sleep.

Last night, I accidentally nudged her with my elbow.

She says, oh, wake up, everyone. We're going to have a party.

Crash, no, you're a spook.

You know, this morning my wife, she threw a teapot in my head.

And a chair.

And a table.

All the time shouting and screaming and kicking.

But you know, senor, he does have his compensations.

What compensations are they?

Senor, when you are married to a woman like that, who's afraid of a little boy?

Oh, oui.

C 'est vrai.

Nescafe.

Oh,

you mean background.

I think.

Of course.

You see, my father was le condagnier.

His father was a fisherman from Marseille.

Gaston, you are a pig.

You are a big, fat, ugly, horrible pig.

It's all right. He does not speak English.

And you still don't want to get a divorce?

Oh, Monsieur Wicker, you have to come to terms with life, n 'est -ce pas?

Eh, Coco?

Oh, il est mignon, il est chouette, vachement chouette.

Alors, c 'est la vie, n 'est -ce pas, Monsieur Wicker, hein?

Et t 'es pas mal non plus. Et t 'es -tu, hein?

Oh, quelle jolie personne.

I bought her a beautiful home in Amsterdam, on the Rembrandt's plank.

The flowers, the garden, it was a beautiful house.

Twelve weeks after we married, she went off with my best friend.

And I miss him.

Well, our continental cousins might not have the easy divorce laws that we have,

but they do have one thing that we British lack.

And that is tolerance.

trees underneath.

When she bites her fingernails, her mother hides her teeth.

Her general appearance is what you call offbeat.

I don't mind girls with kinky boots, but she's got kinky feet.

like pearls, only pearl seeds ain't so hot.

Her heart is in the right place, but the rest of her is not.

Now at her birthday party, the cake, it wasn't bad.

When she went out with the bops, before she could say, I'm not that.

Thank you, Madam Comrade.

I will get the menu, Comrade.

Long live the gremlin.

We may have rain later today.

But I do not think it will rain tomorrow.

For every door, there is a key.

I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts.

Hairs on a duck egg.

But you always find hairs on an ape.

It is only the hairs on a gooseberry that stop it from being a grape.

Don't forget the fruit gums, ma 'am.

Hands that do dishes can be soft as your eye.

Do you want to earn our comrades?

Yes. I have a glass of Georgian white wine with vodka chaser, stuffed

Bessarabian vine leaves, Caucasian shuslik, and Siberian peach melba. And

comrade? I shall have a half -mild and bitter Brown Windsor soup, roast beef,

Yorkshire pudding, boiled potatoes, a cup of tea with milk with no sugar.

And I shall have rice pudding for afters.

You don't think he suspects I'm English, do you? Of course not.

He's not one of us, is he? Of course not. He's one of them.

I thought he was the way he went out.

Oh, James, you are so observant and so very, very handsome.

Yes, I am, aren't I?

Oh, James, I have waited all my life for a man such as you.

How wise.

Oh, here comes the waiter.

For you, comrade, brown Windsor soup. Thank you.

And for you, madam comrade, Caucasian chesley.

I beg your pardon, madam. I am so sorry for being so clumsy.

Heavens! The envelope is missing.

That swine must have taken it.

I hope it didn't contain anything valuable, did it? Only false

Jane. What a crafter you are.

The real information is in the next carriage.

Meet me outside my private compartment in five minutes.

I have plans.

Perhaps I'd better come in with you. Why?

I have plans as well.

Oh, James!

James, darling!

Please don't leave me. I love you so much.

Do I know you, madam?

But I'm Hilda.

I live next door to you in Hampstead.

We spent last New Year's Eve together.

So we did.

Well, didn't that mean anything to you?

Well, I mean, my dear, you mustn't take it to heart, so.

I mean, I'm a secret agent now. I'm licensed to love.

This sort of thing happens all the time. You must remember, I'm in the secret

service now.

Yes, and I'm in the... now.

You mean to say you're going to have a... This never happens to James Bond.

we should warn you that the next item is unsuitable for people of a nervous

disposition.

I won't answer it.

It'll be another of them monotonous phone calls.

It'll be that woman again.

I don't know who she is.

I don't half fancy you.

Better think to say to a complete stranger.

With all that heavy breathing.

Enough to give you the abscess.

Hello, what do you want?

Oh, it's you again. I might have known.

Well, of course I am, madam. It's half past nine.

They're blue.

I'm 42 round the chest.

44 round the waist.

My other measurements for my own business have nothing to do with you

whatsoever.

You'd like to watch?

That's the most disgusting suggestion I ever heard.

Besides, where could we go?

Don't you dare come round here. If you do, I shall set the police on you. Now

away, madam, and stop pestering me.

Oh, golly.

Night after night, it's the same thing. She might be a psychopath for all I

know.

She might commit some hyena's crime.

Why don't you go and wash your mouth out with soap and water, you dirty,

filthy... Oh, hello, Vicar.

I'm sorry, Vicar. No, it's all right. I had to get out of bed to answer the

phone.

No, no, well, Vicar, you see, I was lying in bed just now talking to this

On the phone, Vicar.

Well, that's just the... I don't know who she is. She keeps ringing up and...

Making odd suggestions.

Keeps asking me what colour my vest is.

It's white. Why?

I don't know any women, Vicar. Only the woman at the hostel

across the road. It wouldn't be her.

Well, it just wouldn't be her, that's all.

Because she's a Lebanese.

attitude, Becker.

Well, it's only the girls at work, but it wouldn't be one of them, would it?

Good morning, Mr. Treader. You look tired this morning.

Didn't you sleep well?

Is something troubling you?

Miss Crimp.

Would you come here a moment, please?

I should like you to do something for me.

Oh, what?

Say, I don't half fancy you.

Oh, Mr. Treader, I never knew you cared.

Not me, you. You, me. I want you to say it. Say, I don't half fancy you.

I don't half fancy you.

Well, put a bit of lust into it.

I mean, a bit of passion.

Say it in my ear.

I don't half fancy you.

Not finish your breakfast yet.

Oh, sir.

I'm sorry. I think I'd better get back to China.

Yes, you have.

I'll see you later.

Now, look here.

Trader! What's going on here?

I don't know what you mean.

Oh, yes, you do. The whole place is going to pot.

Look at this sign you wrote.

How would you like to see your girlfriend in this for 12 shillings?

all right. It belongs in millinery under one of the bonnets.

But I found it in hardware in a zinc bath.

What about this from the photographic department? Well, it's only the picture

a baby. But you sent it to a honeymoon couple.

And look what you've written on the back.

Please say how many you want.

And what size.

Do you want them in sepia?

I'm so sorry.

Sorry.

Cyril.

Now, something's upsetting you, isn't it? You can tell me what it is.

Well, sir, I keep getting these phone calls.

Phone calls?

Yes, it's like a voice on the phone. It keeps ringing up.

Well, what does it say?

It says, I don't half fancy you.

I don't half fancy you.

No.

It was deeper than that.

It was a woman.

I tell you, she's threatening to come round. I tell you, I'm absolutely

terrified. I don't know what's going to happen.

Mother. I'm home, Mother.

Mother Angel.

Mother, my treasure. Mother, love.

Oh, fuck that old crow in a minute.

Mother.

Hello. Dear son, I'm writing this slowly because I know you cannot read very

fast.

I have gone to Aunty Louie's for the night. I'll be home in the morning.

Oh, sacred blue.

There's no more light.

Go away, you hooligan! Go away, you hooligan!

The side door! I forgot to lock the side door.

What do you want?

You're not to touch me.

Hi, pretty boy.

Hello, Poochie.

You're a real Poochie.

I know.

What does she mean, Poochie?

She means you're very attractive.

I know that as well. Put down my really tight South African Algerian cherry.

Leave my boy's own paper alone.

You wouldn't understand. It's for fellas anyway. It's not for girls.

Here, what's this then? Here, give me that. It's my key. And I'm not a tiger.

If you don't give me that key, I shall take it by force. Will you? Yes, I will.

No, I won't. Oh, I never want to answer you.

So it's you. So you're the one who's been phoning up making these improper

suggestions.

Well, you can pack up those thoughts right away because I don't believe in

sort of thing.

Well, not before marriage anyway.

And I'm not too sure about afterwards either.

You want to try and kiss me?

No, no, no.

There.

Now, what good's that done you? Here, save some for me.

No. Oh, please don't. Oh, please don't. Oh, please.

My,

it's warm in here. You're shameless, you are. Shameless.

Shameless. Cor, look at this. It's Lawrence Harvey.

I don't suppose you'll be satisfied if you kiss me at all.

Cor, you've got to be joking.

They were holding me hostage.

Note on me hostage.

They were like kissing me and pressing themselves up against me and all sorts

of... I'll see you later on.

Two very good friends of ours. And I know they're friends of yours, too.

Here they are, then, back from their latest travel.

Armand and Michaela Menes.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Good evening. Tonight we're going to show you, with the aid of some

our latest journey in Africa.

I expect also you'll be able to meet Michaela's latest...

It was at the end of January. We first arrived at the mouth of the Pungent

River. And we were met there by the men of the tribe.

And they seemed very interested in our motor -driven launch.

But the ladies were much more reserved.

They seemed to think that Armand was going to attack them.

Yes, they even went so far, even went so far to carry little knives with which

to protect themselves.

This was quite unnecessary.

Oh, of course, of course.

Perhaps they were taken aback.

I think they were taken aback by my direct approach, which is never, ever

Well, I asked a Yubangi, or plate -lipped lady, the way to the Yakula

and she replied, Yakula, Nakahula, Lakula. Which means I cannot answer you

because you are standing on my lower lip.

But she was an interesting girl, not just a pretty face.

The natives of the Pungent River, unlike many tribes in Africa, do not practice

polygamy. They are very good at it.

They're a very excitable race.

And on feast days or luau's, they sing and dance to their sun god.

It's all very, very impressive as they dance up and down on red hot coals and

broken glass and red hot coals and all sorts of broken things like glass.

And it doesn't hurt them a bit.

Because they wear big hobnail boots.

Armand got very attached to a Eubangee or plate -lipped lady.

Well, you see, yes, she captured and tamed no fewer than 47 different

of African wild birds. 47? Here is one.

This is the trumpet bird.

Unlike many of the other African birds, the trumpet bird only has one mating

season for a year.

This lasts for 12 months.

Unfortunately, there's no female of the species.

The trumpet bird is a very unhappy bird.

What the hell's that?

Oh, this is the OB bird.

The OB bird is the smallest of the African wild birds and weighs only one

quarter ounces.

Yet every year it lays an egg weighing two and a quarter pounds.

Needless to say, the OB bird is also a very unhappy bird.

There's a very friendly rivalry among the natives that live on either bank of

the Pungent River. On the north live the mopos, and the mopos are fishermen.

They're absolutely fearless as they wade about in this alligator -infested

river, spearing fish.

Absolutely fearless, the mopos, wading about among the alligators.

And the ulas on the south bank, the ulas, they are craftsmen.

They make their living by manufacturing wooden legs for the mopos.

It's like a circle, it goes round.

We were helped on our way by our native guide, Tambor, and he was very expert at

catching the many shellfish that lived on the banks of the river.

Here is Mikaela admiring his mussels.

And his cockle.

Soon we arrived at the Yakulo jungle.

Now, oh, it was very hot, I must tell them. It was very hot in the jungle. We

had to wear our pith helmets.

The jungle was a mass of lush tropical vegetation surrounding a small inland

sea. And it was here in this inland sea that we found a very rare freshwater

female soul.

And it lived in this inland sea for 20 years.

And yet during all that time, no male soul had ever found its way into the

inland sea.

Poor old soul.

He wants to play.

That's my little betty. For a minute, I thought it was you.

I don't want. I don't want him.

I'm so sorry, but Mikael is pet so quite at this time of the year.

Yes.

The Yakulo jungle is inhabited by two distinctly different tribes, the

and the Piglins.

Now, the Watutsis stand about six feet four, and they wear pig leaves.

And the pygmies stand about four foot six and they wear tea leaves.

Yes, the pygmies, they're great storytellers. And they love to tell the

the great white father who came to visit them and stayed with them for 40 years

because he loved them and because he wanted to help them. And because he

couldn't find his way out of the jungle.

They love... She has eaten a piece of my hat.

They love to tell the story also of how the great white father one day went

walking through the jungle and came across a lion that was limping because

had a thorn in its foot. And he went up to the lion and lifted up its paw and

took the thorn out. And the lion went over to him and licked him to show him

grateful it was.

And then it ate him.

What's the matter with you in there?

We hope to have another series.

In the meantime, on behalf of... On behalf of... On behalf of...

Come on, now. Time you were getting off home, eh? Isn't it? Come on, old lad.

What have I done? Now, look, we can't have glass all over the place now, can

eh? Nothing.

I'm not hurting anyone. I'm minding my own business.

I'm not hurting anyone, am I? No way.

Now, come on, old lad. Come on. Now, look, we don't want cars. Look at that

glass. Now, look, listen. Is that your glass?

All right.

All right, all right.

You behave yourself, eh?

You want to get on up and lick the inspector's boots, you do, mate. Stop

interfering with people.

No, not you, mate.

Coppers are all the like that. I'm not interfering with anyone.

Interfering all the time, then. What did you say I was?

You want to punch his thighs right out of your face, do you?

How do you like this in your ugly bust?

Help! Help!

Officer, police!

Officer! Help! Police!

Help!

I'll tell you what the police are.

The greatest police force is a horse.

Of course, it's a farce. We've all been brainwashed into believing things are

what they're not.

And they're not.

It's television, isn't it? I'll tell you what happens. Somebody on television

commits a heinous crime.

They steal a diamond about that big. But what happens? Inspector Lockhart rings

up Interpol. Interpol get in touch with one of the four just men and they

apprehend the criminal in a penthouse in Rome in 25 minutes.

My bicycle pump was stolen three weeks ago.

I've seen it or heard of it since.

And I'm not the only one. The vicar leaves his bicycle outside the battered

trumpet every evening. And three times he's had his bicycle pump stolen.

The police told him to take his bicycle pump in with him. He did, and they stole

his bicycle.

I mean, it's time the police apprehended some of these hooligans.

There are too many hooligans running loose.

It's time the police did something about it.

Well, they've got no sense of humour, have they? I mean, they absolutely

our rag week.

We had a super cape on too.

You know what we did? We went into the local park and we tore up all the

flowers, chopped down all the trees, chopped down all the park benches and

them all over the place. And it was super.

And the police didn't like it a bit.

Why did you do it in the first place?

To call attention to the charity that we were supporting.

And what was that?

Preservation of British parks.

Well, one has to keep in with them, doesn't one?

As a matter of fact, we've invited the commissioner along to the party tomorrow

night at the Ladies' Institute.

Might be a little dull, though. I understand he is also the chairman of

-Drink League.

No, we are not the Anti -Drink League.

He's the chairman of the Anti -Vice League.

Oh. Well, I knew there was something we shouldn't offer again.

Oh, well, none of us will get down to parking, will we? Oh, it's my

Would a policeman have no right talking to Ted like that and showing him up in

front of all these people? No.

I'll admit he was doing over 30 miles a hour down a one -way street on a

steamroller. And I will admit that he had no lights and he had had a few. But

the policeman had no right showing him up in front of all these people.

Well, at least he didn't arrest him.

He couldn't arrest him, though, could he? I mean, he's only eight.

Good evening. I'm speaking to you from the interrogation room of a police

station. And I have with me here Chief Inspector Fred Scuttle. Good evening,

sir. Good evening, viewers.

Remember, crime does not pay.

Really? Well, it doesn't for me, I'll tell you that.

Inspector, in spite of what you've just said, how do you account for the rapid

increase in crime?

Women, sir.

Women is responsible, sir. They egg the fellas on, you see.

Look at this girl here, sir.

Naughty Nora.

Norwood.

I mean, look at her, sir. You see, that girl eggs the fellas on, you see. And

she leads men into a life of crime, sir. She's very attractive.

I know, sir, but a girl like that could ruin a man.

She was lucky.

And look at the ladies' shoplifters, sir. The statistics is going up all the

time, sir.

Mind you, luckily, sir, we do have a very high percentage of convictions.

Ah, what are the figures like?

Very nice, sir.

Yeah, I see what you mean, sir. Yes, well, the percentage is very high, sir,

yes. But it's very difficult for the lads on the beach, you know, sir.

Well, they have to catch them with the goods on them, you see, sir.

Very difficult, sir.

I mean, one of our lads last week, he was outside this greengrocer's shop,

He saw this skinny streaker, he saw this girl.

Going in, skinny she was, sir, and two minutes afterwards, out comes this well

-rounded lady.

Two minutes afterwards, the manager comes out and says, two melons is

Well, I mean to picture the constable's predicament, sir.

Yes, I can, I can. What did he do? Well, he ran after her, sir, tapped her on

the shoulder, she turned round, and there he was, sir, face to face with two

the, one of the...

Most difficult problems a constable could face, you see, sir. I mean, he

she had the goods on her.

He couldn't put his hands on her.

You see, sir?

You see, he could have had her for theft, but she'd have had him for

And then he found out.

Found out what? She was foreign.

Aye. See, she was a tourist.

No, an au pair girl, sir.

Now then, you see, sir, she didn't speak a word of English, and he had to

explain what he was after in mime.

And he lacks the subtlety of Marcel Marceau.

Yes, I see. Was an arrest finally made? Yes, sir, finally an arrest was made,

sir. But we got him off.

He pleaded insanity.

He said he was mad about melons.

I understand. It's not all George riding around in Z cars, you know, sir. I

mean, the public jeering at us, sir, I know. But, sir, as soon as they're in

trouble, it's 999 like a shot, isn't it, sir? Yes. I mean, only last night a

fellow phoned up. He said he had been attacked in his own garden, bashed on

head, sir. We sent a constable round and he got bashed on the head as well, sir.

But did he catch the assailant? No, sir. He trot on the same rake.

It's not that there's an escort duty, sir. That can be very difficult, you

sir. I mean, a young constable, plainclothes man, has to escort a

we'll say, from London all the way to Dartmoor by rail.

That can be a very hazardous, very embarrassing journey, sir.

Yes, but surely the prisoner's handcuffed to the plainclothes man.

Exactly, sir.

And it's a long way to Dartmoor.

Well, you never know. I mean, so the prisoner might want to go and have a cup

tea, sir?

Or anything. I mean, the mind boggles, doesn't it?

The mind does, anyway.

Quite, Inspector. But, of course, you're far more concerned with actually

catching criminals. Oh, we catch them, sir. Look, only yesterday morning

Scotland Yard sent us photographs of 13 vicious criminals, sir. We already have

12 of these men under lock and key, and we ought to have the 13th under lock and

key by nightfall tonight, sir.

But, Inspector, these are all different photographs of the same man.

Are they, sir?

So they are.

Yeah, well, he'll be amongst the money.

He'll be down there in the cells with the money, that fellow.

Yes, but, Inspector, by nightfall, you're going to have 13 men locked up,

only one of them is going to be the hurt pick. Ah, but we'll have our man. He'll

be there, won't he, sir?

Yes, but what are you going to tell the other 12?

I'll have to kid them on they're a jury, won't we, sir?

Not bad on you, sir.

No, I thought you might have one.

This, then, is Britain's police force.

Considered by many to be the finest in the world.

Perhaps it would be well to cease name -calling and jeering and give them, our

police force, the respect they so richly deserve. There you are, old black

stuggins. Right on. You're a couple of sick people, aren't you?

I wouldn't mind being in the arms of the Lord tonight.

What about you on the right then?

God, sexy.

I love you back, stockings.

What are you doing tonight? And laugh.

Sexy, aren't you? I love you.

Oh, stockings and the skirts.

Blimey. Oh, look at him.

Come on, come on, come on. What are you doing? Get over it.

Ladies and gentlemen, one of the most popular programmes on commercial

television last year was Ladybirds, in which the cameras went behind the scenes

and gave you a peep into the private lives of well -known pop girl singers.

Well, we thought it was time that the pop boy singers had a chance, so here is

the BBC's answer to Ladybirds. It's called Labby Boys.

My son.

Because he's been keen on the rhythm music, you know, like ever since he got

that electric guitar.

Oh, yeah. And he got it up the works raffle.

He won it?

No, he organised it.

Like, then he joined this group of singers, you know. Didn't I have some

names? There was Bushelhead and Knuckles and Four Eyes.

They were lovely girls, though.

But they're also proud of...

my boy now, round here they are.

At the last school prize giving, they asked him not to go along and give out

prizes and take charge and everything up there. Only he had a kipper for his

lunch and I think it was a bit off because he had a plane in and he

along and sort of... Officiate?

Yes, it was a kipper he ate.

I think it was officiate.

Oh, he's a lovely boy. He is, really. I mean, you couldn't wish to have a nicer

brother than Ernie.

Oh, dear.

You didn't know his name was Ernie, did you?

Well, it is Ernie, yes.

Ernie Pulteney.

Still, I suppose Ernie Pulteney's not a very good name for a pop singer, is it?

But I, of course, retain the name of Pulteney. We're our work at Niggles

Hardware Store.

But then, of course, I work a whole year...

to make the same amount of money as Ernie gets for making one gramophone

Still, that's life, I suppose. Not that I grudged him at all, because he's a

lovely boy, he really is.

Generous to a halt.

Yes, he's a lovely lad. I mean, he's good to his mother.

And he's admired and he's respected.

And he's decent and he's clean living.

I only wish I could say the same about some of those little scrubbers that he

knocks about with.

But I can't.

Still, that's only a text, I mean.

Mind, of course, it hasn't been easy for him, you know, because he had a hard

life. I mean, he left school at 14 and he was out of work for the next 11 and a

half years. Oh, how old did he tell you he was?

19. Did he really?

Oh, well, I never.

Oh, 19, eh? Well, that would be, yes,

five years he was out of work. Well, he couldn't do any heavy work, you see, on

account of his back.

Oh, what's wrong with it?

It's got a yellow streak down it. That's what's wrong with it.

But he is your brother, you know.

No, Mother, I will speak my mind. I will, I will. I mean, look at the tricks

he's pulled on me. What about my bicycle pump, then? What about my bicycle pump?

Three years I never had my bicycle pump back.

And what about Angela and the baby? You don't know about Angela and the baby, do

you? Oh, he's a lovely boy. And I tell you something, when he left school, he

was out of work for a bit, like, and his mum, she had to keep him by taking him

washing. And I'll say one thing with that boy, he wasn't ashamed.

He wasn't a bit ashamed.

He knew, you see, he knew she wasn't strong enough to do any work, see. Oh, I

wouldn't say that. I mean, since he got on, he can't do enough for her. He

bought her a wash tub, he bought her a mango and a scrubbing brush and all that

sort of thing, you know.

Boy, I knew he'd get on because he got it up there, see. I tell you something,

we used to be out with her.

with a scrap iron on the old horse and cart, you know, and he used to put the

blinkers on the horse and get it on the cart, and he used to say, here, go on

there, go on, Dobby, go on, Jackie boy, go on, Charlie boy, get up there, Neddy,

you know.

How many horses did he have, then? Yeah, only the one with the blinkers on him,

you see, and even all the other names, you know, he thought there was a lot of

other horses helping him, so it was a bit hard, and I knew he'd get on that

I knew he'd get on.

Now, here's that great star text symbol with his latest hit.

Joined by Patsy Ann Noble in Our Garden of Love.

Oh, the sun and the rain fell from up above

and landed on the earth below in our garden of

love.

Oh, there's a rose for the day we met. A rose when we

met. But forget me.

to remind me to remember not to forget a pine tree

for the way I pined over you and an

ash for the day I asked you to be true and

the sun and the rain fell from up above

Turnip, for the way you always used to turnip. Your

mother and your cousin Chris, they often used to come.

So in their honor, I have raised a nice Chris.

Oh, there's a beetroot for the day that you said you'd beetroot to me.

A sweet pea for the sweet way you always smiled at me.

But you had friends who needed you. There was Ferdie, there was Liza.

So in their honor, I put down a load of Ferdie Liza.

And the sun and the rain fell from up above

and landed on me in our garden

of love.

But Gus the gardener's gone now, and you went with him too.

The fungus here reminds me of the fungus he's having with you.

The rockery's a mockery With weeds it's overgrown

The fuchsia's gone I couldn't face the fuchsia all

alone And my tears fell like raindrops From the sky

above And poisoned all the flowers In

my garden of love

I'm afraid that's all we've time for at this point. We'll be back with you again

before very long, I hope.

Until then, on behalf of us all, good night and God bless.