Original subtitles

You know, a newspaper advertisement which always fascinates me is the one

the bully kicks sand in the little fellow's face, you know, and goes up to

little fellow's girl, and then after a year's intensive muscle building, the

little fellow goes up to the bully, knocks him out, and gets his girl back.

But I come up thinking that in real life, it might be just a little more

this.

It's nice there on the beach, isn't it? Oh, it's slushy, mate, it's slushy.

Oh,

blimey, it's everything.

Mummy!

Oh, you was out quick today, wasn't you?

Yeah. I ran all the way here from the boarding house, you nearly lost me.

I know.

Oh, then, I'm all hot and bothered.

You might be hot, you won't be bothered.

Yeah. Do you know what I'm going to do in a minute?

Surprise me.

Well, I'm going into that bathing hat. Yeah. And then a few minutes later, I'm

going to come out of that bathing hat. Yeah. And you're going to see me for the

very first time wearing a bathing suit.

Big deal.

Well, I don't see why a girl should cover herself up.

I mean, it's no good having goods in the window if you've got the blind down, is

it?

Are you having a sale of Osmonds or something?

No, of course not. But the thing of beauty is a joy forever.

And I'm not ashamed of me body.

Well, you ought to be anyway, I tell you.

I've worn a bathing suit before.

Have you? Yes, I've got a photo of me here.

Taken at Worthing last year. I'm wearing one there. Stood next to me grandma.

Which one's you?

That one on the leg. Oh, I'm glad you told me.

That's a bit daring, isn't it, eh?

You in a two -piece bathing suit, eh? That's not a two -piece. I wouldn't go

that far.

What's that across there? That's a bare midriff, isn't it?

No way, Rudy. No, it's me grandma. She's got her arm round me right.

I thought it was a funny place to wear a watch.

Hello, Rudy.

Hello, Rudy.

Who's that lovely uncle?

I don't understand.

You talking about me again?

Don't be joking.

No, I mean that gorgeous looking fellow over there. Look at all the muscles.

Oh, him? Yes, that's Dan. He's like PT instructor up the honour decamp. Oh,

gorgeous, isn't he? He's nothing, you know.

Well, who's talking? Well, he's muscle bound, isn't he? I mean, not a good

breeze would blow him over.

Well, you've got a nerve, and you, in that condition. What are you talking

about? I'm fit, I am. Look at that.

Like steel, that is. It's like steel. Here, go on. Punch me in the thumb. Go

Out as you like. Go on. Here, you. Go on. Out as you like. Come on. Out.

Come on.

Come on. One of you. Out as you like. I never... I never met you,

love. I'm sorry.

Oh, that's all right. That's nothing. You're all right. Yeah, I know. I'll

sit down a bit. It couldn't be awkward, you know.

And your face...

Well, it was like just a lucky punch, wasn't it? I mean, besides, I didn't

my solar system all tensed up, did I? That's why.

But I still think he's all fat and flat. Look at him, all flat. No, he's coming

over. Oh,

here you are.

Thanks. It's all right.

Thanks.

Yeah, well, if a stupid... Well, I don't suppose he'd get out, but, you know,

it's like an accident, wasn't it, you know?

What? It's like a crystal ball.

Sorry, you're too hard on yourself, OK?

It's just that, quite accidentally and inadvertently, you know, a little bit of

salmon up from your foot, like, and that's caught me in the face, that's

Nothing, nothing. Well... And he's caught in the sardines and all.

Well, what about it? I hope you didn't cut your foot, that's all, you know.

There's no main poison in your toe or something. Why don't you shut up? Yeah,

why don't I shut up, yeah.

You want to be careful, mate, or Harry will belt you once. You know what I'm

going to do, what, sonny boy?

I've a good mind to punch you right on the nose, mate.

You're a little talk, mate, you wouldn't dare it. Shut up, shut up, shut up.

You don't like that? Shut up. Go on, hit him. And I dare you to hit him. Right.

What do you got to say about that, sonny boy?

I thought you'd eat that son of a...

Don't waste your time with him, darling.

Get yourself a proper bloke, like me.

I think I will, I know.

Come in for a swim, then.

Yeah, all right, then.

Oh, well, bye -bye, Eden. Bye -bye, Lofty. Oh, bye -bye, Tarzan.

Oh, Harry, you're poor and lone.

Yeah, it's bleeding horrible.

Who asked your opinion? Give the badge, you son of a... Why, I got one.

Well, give it to your handkerchief, then.

I can't. It's got my coffee in it.

Harry, you know what my dad used to do when he cut himself shaving? He like put

a little bit of paper on it.

Hey, I didn't tell you I was coming.

Sometimes I like to surprise him.

Good one, sir.

With her high profile, I thought Heidi would be a perfect spokesperson for New

York City's first annual Cruelty to Animals Week.

Sir, it's prevention of cruelty to animals.

I keep forgetting the prevention part.

Well, gotta leave.

Janelle and I are taking a Tybo class.

So this is going to be a problem.

I'm fit now.

I still hope Big Dan don't show up. Don't worry me if he does.

I've learnt the art. I've learnt the art. I've learnt the art.

A Greco -Roman wrestling and Jewish jitsu.

I've got a great big charter now with a human form with arrows pointing toward a

vulnerable part.

Disgusting.

I've learnt the secrets of open -hand fighting, what they call Karachi.

What? Karachi, with the egg, like that.

Oh, come on.

Let's all go down to the cafe. Oh, yes, let's go to that cafe along the prom.

Yeah, come on, Harry.

I love their three -course meals.

You love their three -course waiters, you do.

No, but you get chips with everything in there.

Oh, no, I've seen the cups and sauces.

Now, if you don't mind, I think I'll wait here a bit.

Oh, here.

I do believe he's waiting for Big Dan.

Isn't that who you're waiting for?

Maybe I am.

Maybe I ain't. Hello, Gloria.

We ain't got long to wait.

Hello there, Dan.

Hello there, Skinny.

Hello, Harry.

It's a long time since I've seen you, Gloria.

Well, yeah, it is.

Yeah, there's a fella at the cap got a car I can borrow. Do you fancy going for

a spin?

No, I'm with my friends.

Well, it's quite a big car. Perhaps you could all go. You know, nice in the

country. Make a change from the beach.

Well, it's quite a nice idea. I must... Yeah, it's a very nice idea.

Well, why don't you kick sand in my face then, eh?

Kick sand in your face?

I couldn't do that to you, mate. You're too nice a fella.

Look there, I thought maybe... I dare you to kick sand in my face.

Kick sand in your face?

I dare you to kick sand in my face!

All right!

So you'd kick sand in my face, would you?

Well, take that!

with him, girlie.

Get yourself a real he -man like me.

Harry Hill, you're just a big bully.

There, Dandy, let me kiss it better.

And what's more, I never want to see you again.

Come on, Dandy.

Oh, that's lovely, isn't it? Oh, yeah.

Been knocking meself out, learning judo and doing the weights and straining

meself and everything.

She goes off with him. Oh, never mind, Dandy.

a swim. I'm not... Hey, watch it! What's up then? Oh, you flicked all the sand

in my face.

And what are you going to do about it then, eh?

I'll show you what I'm going to do about it then. I'm going to do that.

Where'd you learn to do that?

At the evening classes.

You've got to look after yourself, haven't you?

You never know when you're going to be molested.

Vintage Years of the Cinema is one of BBC Two's most popular programmes.

But we feel it's high time viewers on BBC One had a chance to see some of

fine old films.

Now earlier on you saw a new film, a very modern film.

At this moment we're going to show you a film made in 1932 and it's called

Passengers of Passion.

Hello there.

Would you like to see my quarters?

Hello, Daphne.

Care for a cocktail?

Oh, come on, Daphne. Be a sport. Let's have some fun.

I've told you before. Don't bother me, please.

Please yourself.

I say, that chap, he wasn't annoying you, was he?

No, it's all right. It's just that all women are crazy about him and he

with him, too.

I do see.

I don't seem to have seen you on the boat before.

No, I spent most of my time in the...

Yes, but they're not half as you are.

That's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Hello, Daphne.

I say, won't you introduce me to your friend?

Oh, yes.

This is Cynthia Longbottom.

I'm afraid I don't know your name.

Roger. Hello, Roger.

If you would care to join me in a cocktail, Roger.

I shall be in the bar.

I say, what a charming Longbottom.

I say.

Oh, I'm most terribly sorry.

Oh, say. Get out. I'll ring for the steward. There is no need to do that, my

dear. I'll go.

I must have got in the wrong cabin.

Give me beauty and charm.

I'm woozy when Susie's holding my arm.

Very good, sir.

You know, Cynthia, I'm sure there's something fishy about that chap.

What makes you say that?

I spend most of my time in the water.

Roger, would you care to have a... with me?

I'm sorry. I promised it to Daphne.

That's him over there.

Excuse me, sir. I must ask you to show me your ticket. My ticket?

Yes, sir. Very well, I... Second class, eh?

I must ask you to leave the first class saloon immediately.

Very well. And I shall have to report this to the captain.

I'm most terribly sorry. Do forgive me. I'll go.

Is this true?

Are you really?

I'm most terribly sorry.

You forgive me, I'll go.

I told you so. You forgive me, I'll go.

I knew he was a friend.

A man with nothing but a close friend.

I'm not sure.

Let's have another drink. See you in Manhattan, Barman.

Yeah, you might as well.

Welcome back, Bill.

Recognize that voice anywhere.

Daphne. Roger.

What are you doing down here?

I changed my ticket for a second last one.

Oh, you little fool. You sweet, dear little fool.

Excuse me, sir.

I'm sorry about what happened, sir. The captain asked me to apologize. I didn't

know you were the owner.

The owner?

Yes, madam. Mr. Roger owns the shipping line.

187 ships in all.

Oh, Roger.

Darling. Hello, Daphne.

Flumming.

He's the man. He's the one who's been annoying all the lady passengers.

So it's you.

So you're the phantom prowler.

Why, I'm a dirty, filthy beast.

It's a lie.

You can't evict me.

That was a fantastic sounding book, wasn't it? A fantastic record of Rinky

Oh, there you are.

That is fantastic, wasn't it? And good as well. And now, here are two

of ours and yours. And they've just come back from America where they've been

touring and travelling and singing and everything. And here they are,

fantastic and super.

Peter and Corden.

The night nurse came to my room and knocked upon the door.

Then she came in and threw my bedclothes straight upon the floor. Then she

bathed me and she scrubbed me from my toes up to my chin.

I said, oh, tell me, nurse, why did you knock when you came in?

I met Alice standing in our cabbage patch.

Her hair was long and black and she had fingernails to match.

She rubbed some liniment on her arm when she sprained it in the shed.

She said, this stuff makes my arms smart, so I rubbed some on her head.

Lonely,

the loneliest we'll ever know.

is poor young Betty Mae.

She thinks that she's a chicken and she cackles all the day. Oh, won't you send

for the psychiatrist?

Her poor old father begs.

But Mom says, let the girl alone.

You know we need the egg.

I must say, it's such a fantastic, lovely jersey that you're wearing, and I

the design on it there.

Pop art.

Pop art where?

No, the design.

You know, it's red, isn't it? Is it silk?

No, it's tomato ketchup.

I see. Well, I think, Mervyn, you and your brothers are going to give us one

your fantastic numbers this evening, are you?

Well, no, because one of the boys broke a string on his guitar.

Well, couldn't one of you, like, ring up, you know, and get another one sent

round? Well, we can't really, because none of us know which drink to ask for.

That's one of you that you'd care to announce the next act, eh?

Yeah, all right. Here he is then, P .J.

Orbison.

I went to rent a lady's house, she handed me the key. She said it's to be

like this with all that you can see.

Are you to be let with the house that I am most expecting to own? She said I'm

not to be let with the house, I'm to be let alone.

Oh, here I stand by the railroad track.

The memory of her, it keeps calling me back.

But who we goes that old freight train, telling me I should be moving on.

a rich old widow she was 85 years old but coming from a dance one night she

caught a nasty cold we rubbed her back with whiskey to try and cure a cough and

then she went and broke her neck trying to lick it off oh here I stand by the

railroad track and then Ray Alvarez would call me back but who eagles that

old freight train tell me I should be moving on again

lonely nights are over now that I've met Claire.

She's the fat, tattooed lady from the local fair.

And since I have been with her, a paradise I've found. I've got heat in

winter and shade in the summer and pictures all year round.

The moment I say about the railroad track, the memory of her calling me

And oh, we can go that old freight train, but I'll never...

with high five.

Well, this week has brought a variety of various records.

On the classical side, there are some haunting melodies.

Boccherini's Minuet by Supe.

Finkel's Cave, or if you prefer it, Overture to the Hebrides.

There's four Indian love lyrics by Amy Woodford Bypass.

And of course, that lovely Italian piece, the Near Lockerton Serenade.

new numbers.

Some of these rip for singing, some rip for dancing.

But my pick of the week is this one. Those Days, sung by...

the court.

Oh, how could you kiss the butcher when we owe the milkman so much?

where I've been seeing some of the programmes that are being prepared for

enjoyment this coming autumn.

I hope in a few moments to be able to have a few words with some of the

television's top drama director.

Right, ready?

Action!

Go and have a coffee, and I'll deal with the rest. Mr. Scuttle. Oh, I'm...

What's the matter?

I'm... Hello, viewers. I had no idea we were long, sir.

Well, here he is, a very controversial figure, BBC's top television director,

Mr. Fred Scuttle.

Mr. John Paul Scuttle, if you don't mind.

John Paul Scuttle? Yes, sir. I was named after the existing sensualist, John

Paul Sassi.

I see. Well...

Your productions cover a very large field. And, of course, I've done my

The Resistance, sir. My own play, what I've written myself, sir.

Oh, it was a big success, my own play. It was a success. Oh, didn't you hear

critics on Sunday afternoon?

No, I can't say I did. 12 .10 every Sunday, they went, they were so excited

about it, sir. The Spanish one, sir, Ricardo Oranges.

The second my play was mentioned, he went straight into the Castilians.

knockers, senior rota, he said.

And as soon as the leading lady was mentioned, he couldn't contain himself,

Budame mucho, he said.

Oh, you see, he was well received, sir. Now, tell me, Mr. Cuttle, what was your

play about? Well, sir, it's about an introverted extrovert, sir, who has an

Oedipus complex, sir.

Oedipus? He hates cats.

So one day, he goes round and calls on a friend of his who is a taxidermist, you

see. And this taxidermist is just finishing off a Siamese cat.

Now, this fella, over his name was, he comes in and he sees this Siamese cat.

goes, he picks up a bar, advances towards it. The taxidermist says, what

going to do with that Siamese cat, mate? He said, I'm going to give it a bang,

cock.

down like that, it knocks the stuffing out of it, sir. What? Yes, the

denouement. The what, sir? The denouement. Oh, the upshot.

This vicious attack on this cat rids himself of his hatred of cats, but

conversely, it instills into him the belief that he himself is a cat, you

sir. Does this have an effect on him?

Of course it does, sir. I mean, you know, the larder's full of fish head,

and the bath's full of milk.

I mean, he never thinks about it. He won't go near water, because like a cat,

he's terrified of water. You see, he's like a cat in every way, sir, you see.

But how does he clean himself?

With difficulty.

As a matter of fact, sir, it was that scene that got us the critics to warn

You mean the newspapers, they like that? They went mad about it.

Peter Black.

And I quote, if I had not seen it with my own eyes, I would

not have believed it.

And Clifford Davis referred to it as poetry in motion.

Yes, well, thank you very much, Mrs. Guttle. That was all most uninteresting.

Now, I believe we're privileged to be able to see the first of your new

fiction series. Yeah, I think the lads are threading it up now. Good. I'm

looking forward to this. Oh, it'll be very good.

People have been prophesying the future since time immemorial.

Christopher Mark Denby prophesied that the world would end in 1906.

And for him, it did.

When will the story you were about to see ever happen?

And if so, when?

Come with us into the realm of the supernatural and take that all

one step.

Behind. What on earth's wrong with this set?

Come on, will you?

Maybe it's some kind of interference.

Mrs. Clyburn's been having trouble with hers, too.

That's not to score me out. Pardon, Whitmer?

Looks clear enough.

Oh, it's time we rebelled anyway, love.

Good night, my son.

Don't be too late coming up. That's good, lad.

Don't forget, Timmy, don't be too late.

I'll be timid, love.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye. Bye.