Original subtitles

The curse words in this message have been approved by 50 Cent.

Bitch.

Hey, did you ever get to

fix the garbage that's supposed to be back? I'm trying to relax, babe. I'm

sorry. I just can't.

Well, you know, I'm actually not that tired.

I'm here to fix your garbage disposal, if you know what I mean.

Oh, baby, yes, I do.

Oh, yes, baby, you are doing all the things my man can't do.

Tell me, baby. I think it's time to get things real wet.

Let's get it on the way.

Maybe while we let it soak, we can do some drilling.

Oh, yes!

Trying to get it in, but it's just so damn tight.

What, do you think your screw is too big?

Keep going.

Keep going.

Oh, I think I have a hole you might need to fill.

What's all that noise?

Oh, nothing.

Go to bed.

If you want to, we can, you know, still do it. I mean... No, I'm good.

You don't want Mufasa?

Mm -mm.

You don't want the lion to roar right now? It should have roared earlier.

I'm tired now.

I like that new pipe good.

The water pressure started out slow at first, but by the time I fed, she was

gushing all over the place. Oh, baby.

How about we, uh... All right, all right.

Okay. These be on some.

I'm on something.

That bag coming.

You know what's up.

Yeah, she'll come up. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, Trick, I'm up. Yeah, Trick,

I'm up.

One of the most influential people in the culture, the host of 50 Central.

Ladies and gentlemen, 50 Cent!

Give it up for New York's finest, DJ Envy.

Welcome to another episode of 50 Central. We have some fire for you

This week, we are straight up start shit with some people.

Hey, Tristan, Vince, come out here.

Yo, yo, yo, yo.

50, yo, we used to talk about this, but your face lights up whenever you mention

talking about f***ing with people, bro. For real. Like, it literally lights up.

Like, you love f***ing with people, huh? I've seen it on IG. Yeah, they be doing

shit to me, too.

Well, we're at it again tonight, and nobody is safe. So, starting with the

insole comic out of the club and onto the streets, we're gonna be f***ing with

some people some more, so check this out. That's right.

Customers today are used to walking into a store and ignoring the inactive

screen. Welcome to Unique Photo Supply. We take pride in helping you capture the

best moments in life. But what happens when the screen starts to interact with

you?

With help from my boy at the media in Little Duval, everyone in this store is

our mark.

Welcome to Unique Photo Supply. We take pride in helping you capture the best

moments in life.

If you have any questions, feel free to reach out to one of our sales

associates.

Take a moment to have a look around and discover all your picture personalities.

Why you looking at me like that?

Looking at me like that? You see me working?

Welcome to Unique Photo Supply. We take pride in helping you capture the best

moments in life.

Look at the little boy. Look at me, bro.

Right here. What's up, boy?

Don't be embarrassed. Turn around. Turn up.

Boy, you is too big to be acting like that, baby.

She still carry you in the stroller?

Run the red stealing.

Brian the Red's stealing.

He's stealing.

Stay woke.

Hey, check our bag. That's a big bag.

That's all I'm saying.

I got one right here. Hey, I got to charge you. You ain't even got to pay

one. Just ignore me. All right, cool.

Welcome to Neat Folder Supply, where white people ignore black people.

Take a moment to have a look around and discover all your picture -perfect

needs. Hold on. Did that shirt say highlight?

Highlight. Yo, yo.

I read the shirt. I know.

If you have any questions, feel free to reach out to one of our sales

associates.

Hey, hey. Hey, baby.

Baby.

I see you over there.

I see you with them MC Hammer shades.

Tell him to take your round back.

I want to holler at you about something.

Come on, bro. I saw it first. Don't be trying to take mine.

Oh, what's up, Rog?

What's happening, baby?

What's up, Phil?

You need a new bathroom? Bring the camera over close so I can see what you

I can't hear nothing. What you speaking, fluent baboon?

Why don't you scat me like that?

Jesus.

I have a selection that I want to sing for you guys. It's from the heart.

It's an original piece, and I'd like to sing it for y 'all.

Show me what that mouth do. Show me what that mouth do. Show me what that mouth

do. Show me what that mouth do. Kill him with the shoulder.

Nigga, my dog.

What's up, boy?

What's up, boy?

Did he just lick the window?

Oh, yeah, he don't have he bowl.

What time is my lunch break?

I told y 'all to throw a fire stick around before after the break.

Marry Diddy.

Lance Gross.

Kill 50 Cent. Why would you kill 50?

Lance Gross is poppin'. And Diddy is Diddy. God damn it, you married Puffy?

It's your boy, Ben Swan here. We are playing another edition of Smash, Marry,

Kill here in the streets of Harlem.

Let's go.

We need a side bed going, though. Looks like we found somebody. Come here,

gorgeous. Come here. I don't bite. What's your name?

Ella. Nice to meet you. What you do for a living?

Chill. Chill for a living?

She said she'd chill for a living.

Chill for a living. What I'm going to do is I'm going to give you a list of

celebrities. You got to pick who you want to smash, marry, or kill, all

Okay. Okay, so we got 50 Cent, Lance Gross, and Diddy.

Marry Diddy. Uh -huh.

Lance Gross. Uh -huh.

Kill 50 Cent.

That's what I'm talking about.

That's what I'm talking about.

You would kill 50 Cent? I would. Why would you kill 50?

Lance Gross is popping.

And Diddy is Diddy.

Iconic. Iconic. She just want the money.

First guy, 50 Cent, Lance Gross, or Justin Timberlake?

I would kill 50 Cent. I would match Justin Timberlake and marry Lance Gross.

Why would you kill 50 Cent?

Because I wasn't so attracted to 50 like that.

Jesus Christ. Oh, man.

And you would smash Justin?

Yeah. Why would you smash Justin? Because he's cute and he can dance.

Blue -eyed soul brother? Yeah. That's what it is? Mm -hmm. Okay. I guess it's

little chocolate and vanilla season. Yeah. Going on. All right.

So we got 50 Cent, Lance Gross.

I'll marry him. And Drake.

I'll smash Drake.

And 50 Cent would have to die.

50 would have to die?

Yeah. This guy.

Why does this have to die?

Because I don't like 50 Cent like that. He is very ratchet.

He's ratchet to you? Yeah. Okay, so why would you smash Drake on? Because he's

cute. And he's dark -skinned, so he got it. Drake is dark -skinned?

Yeah. I didn't know that. I find him a caramel.

A caramel?

Drake is white chocolate.

I don't know what you're talking about. No, I would not find him white chocolate

at all. He's dark -skinned? What am I? I must be like midnight black if Drake

is... Something makes me feel better about this shit is late.

Drake is dark -skinned.

You can tell who he's dealing with.

All right, so we got 50 Cent, Lance Gross, or Terrence Howard.

We got Kanan from Power vs. Lucius Lyon.

Smash, Lance Gross, marry Terrence Howard, sorry, kill 50

Cent.

You're going to kill 50? I know.

Why?

He's annoying me on power right now. Okay.

If you saw, I don't know, Lance out here on the street one day, what would you

say to him?

Hey, Lance.

You'd just say, hey, Lance. Yes.

That's it? That's it.

I mean, you want to smash him. That's all you want to say is, hey, Lance.

I'm not thirsty.

Okay. I know that. I know that.

He's out here on 125th Street. I like that. Okay. What up?

How you doing?

What's going on?

Well, it's good. I heard everything you said, too.

Where my hey Lance at, though? Hey, Lance.

Yeah.

Oh, girl.

Where my hug at? Wow, can I get a hug? Where my hug at? This is crazy.

Wow, I'm a cat coming outside like this now today.

You don't like 50?

I do like 50. It's just the option.

50 is a real nice guy. You know that? Yeah, but I don't think he nice to me.

he at least smashable?

I don't know. Maybe on a drunk night.

On a drunk night. Yeah, a real bad one. And I don't even have a bad one, so I'm

seeing never.

The fifth is just don't even have a chance with you at all.

Why would you kill me?

Why would you just kill me?

It just got real.

Oh, my God.

Y 'all got killed?

Oh. God damn it, you married puppies?

Man, that's pressure right there.

Puppies. Hey, love.

Oh, my God.

Nah, that a ratchet.

She's married Puffy. Why is my Puffy old?

I also just want you to know. I'm so old, man. She murked you, bro.

She ain't had a hit record in 15 years.

The shade is real.

I lost the Puffy.

Yo, he's not over that.

Hey, oh, there you go. Hey, hey, can I ask you a question?

Yes, please. Do you know 50 Cent? Yes. He's right here. There he is. Isn't he

the Marion type?

No.

I'm done.

I'm done.

They set me up.

I don't even know what to say to that.

They got mama and say no.

Don't worry about it, man.

It's going to be all right, man.

He going to cry in the car.

Sir,

do you know why I pulled you over?

It's tough enough getting pulled over while being black. What the hell?

Other insurance companies just care about the car.

We care about the black people in it.

What's the scariest thing that y 'all can think of? Oh, I know.

You're out camping, right? You wake up in the middle of the night to go to the

bathroom. You look up in the silhouette of the moonlight.

there's a murderer waiting for you with a knife.

Scary, right?

Nah, that lets me know that you white, because that's some white people shit.

Yeah, bro, black people don't even like camping.

Yeah, we don't.

That would be an issue. Yeah, we're more scared of, like, you know, like the

police. Yeah, the police.

Why would you be scared of the police? What do you mean, why would we be scared

of the police? Have you not been watching the news? No, I don't have any

I'm watching horror movies all day.

Okay.

Listen, man, I'm going to help you out, okay? Just watch this sketch right now.

I'm just going to help you out.

Sir,

do you know why I pulled you over?

It's tough enough getting pulled over while being black.

What the hell?

Most insurance companies just offer the basic coverage.

Only AllSafe offers cop insurance to minority families.

What? Only AllSafe's cop insurance provides you with people to record

everything. I need you to put your hands on the steering wheel. Don't even try

to make a move, okay?

Hello, officer.

So I'm going to need you to calm down and breathe. Who the hell are you? With

cop insurance, we offer a licensed therapist to ride with you in a trunk to

ensure that cops don't panic.

Okay, so we're going to try something where you only think about the things

make you smile.

You're going 47 in a 45.

Not in my town.

Mayonnaise sandwiches?

Sound good?

Green bean casserole at Thanksgiving.

Yummy. Just like my grandma made it.

Camping or fishing, either one.

It's just nice to get away from it all.

Donuts.

I mean, bear claw.

I like bear claws.

See, there you go.

So much better.

Officer, I haven't done anything wrong.

Can I go home now?

Well, you sound like you're on PCP.

Hi there, officer.

He actually hasn't had a drink in five years.

And here's a sample of his pee.

And a vial of his blood.

No drugs or alcohol in that either.

That's one drop.

So gross.

Other insurance companies just care about the car. We care about the black

people in it.

You're all free to go.

Everyone should go.

Thank you, sir.

Here at AllSafe, we've got all the bases covered.

Hey, you, you some kind of spokesperson or something?

He doesn't want these hands.

AllSafe. We shouldn't have to exist.

back. You don't want to miss what's coming up.

Stay tuned. Y 'all stick around too.

Oh, she got, um, got to try. I can't do that. I can't pay.

I'm like, yeah, I might cook it. They ain't brag. I'm like, Lenny's weird. I

blew a bag on her.

And then she doing to get what you want. Cause you doing, she always on point.

She doing her own house.

She doing her credit. She doing all night. She doing, she earned a strike.

doing.

Like you posted, I'm going to go for something better. She just want to eat

off the bone and I'm going to let her know. She want me to whip it out so she

can.

She want me to.

She got.

Got the track, can't deny, I can't pass.

I'm like, I'm like Kofi, Dan Bragg.

Lenny's, we had filts, I blew a bag on her.

Rockets and nails, she doing it. Her hair and her nails, she doing it.

She get what she want, cause she doing it. She always on point, she doing it.

car, on house, she doing it. Her credit, aye, she doing it. She can fuck all

night, she doing it.

She earned a strike, she doing it. She might get on my ones if I tilt her. Why

you say that? I fell in love with the stripper. I did.

I'm at V Live. I can't deny it. She bad on me. Right now, right now. She say I

brought her the plug.

What you doing? I worked me a jug down the middle. I asked you. I said I was

straight. Put that on her. Make her reconsider.

Yeah. Oh, she got that thing from her mama. She might be the gorilla. She want

money.

She ain't no runner. Got the track, can't deny.

I can't pass. I'm like, I might cuff you, then brag on it.

Lenny's, we had flips, I blew a bag on her.

She rockin' her nails, she doin' it. Her hair in the nails, she doin' it.

She get what she want, cause she doin' it. She always on point, she doin' it.

car, on house, she doin' it. Her credit, I hate, she doin' it. She can fuck all

night, she doin' it. She earn the stripes, she doin' it.