Original subtitles

The curse words in this message have been approved by 50 Cent.

Bitch.

Hey, here's a favorite rapper, Deposit, out here. Living life lavish as usual.

Ballin' on your fools like LeBron.

Cause I ballin' like that.

Ballin' like that. Hey, hey, hey. I ballin' like that.

What?

You see, every day is a day off when you're living your life like a movie.

I saw this fly -ass pool here from when I'm not recording.

Here I got something to lay on.

Something to sip on. And later, something to poke on.

Hey! Who the hell are you?

Get in the pool before I call the cops!

Damn kid.

Hey, man. It's your boy D -Positor here.

Pull -up game strong as shit. You see what I got behind me?

See, when you pull up in one of these, you know you set the spot off right.

Hey, what should I take? The BMO or the band?

The beamer or the beans.

You're not going to be taking either, buddy. You need to get your buns off

car right now before I call the authorities.

Hello, 911.

I'd like to report an assault.

No, not on a person, on a luxury automobile.

A black man just sat on it.

It's ruined. It's ruined.

Every day like a lottery.

Every day like a lottery.

Every day like a lottery.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's coming off my new mixtape.

Big dreams in small places. Every day like a lottery.

You see, the thing that I did was... Yo, can we go? I put the address in the app

ten minutes ago.

Oh, yes, ma 'am. What's the holdup? I'm sorry.

What?

What?

What?

Stimulate your mind.

Stimulate your mind. Oh, man, it's my voice. Be positive right now.

Yo, he's a hot young rapper.

Killing it in the game, baby.

Deposit? Please, you need to deposit that track into the garbage because that

shit is trash.

Okay, you know what? You're being mad disrespectful right now. I'm going to

to ask you to leave. No!

You're going to take me to Brooklyn because I'm late for happy hour.

Okay, okay.

And put your damn phone down before you kill us both.

All right, all right.

Okay.

I don't know.

I'm the one these pros want. I've been keeping that dough.

I'm on something.

That's not coming.

You know what's up.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's Rick. I'm up. Yeah.

Yeah, it's Rick. I'm up.

Give it up for 50 Cent.

Welcome to another episode of 50

Central. Give it up for Houston's own DJ JQ.

From fresh stand -up to a fun -looking political correctness.

We got another wild one for you. Vince, Tristan, come out here.

What's up, y 'all?

I ain't bringing nothing until I get paid.

Come on, chill out, bro. Come on. No, no, no, not you, Phil. I mean, I've seen

your work on power, so you good.

What I mean is Tristan owes me money.

Oh, Pam.

Yo, yo, yo, wait, hold on, hold on. I told you I got you on my check, Claire.

Come on. Man, your check's been clear for three months, man.

It's clear to see you ain't trying to pay me. Yo!

All right, man, that's everything I've done for you? Come on. All right, yeah,

that's true.

Okay, I'll give you that. Thank you. Like the time I lent you $50 for that

B pill. Yo, yo, yo, okay, roll the tape. Roll the tape, bro. You still owe me

$50. Yeah, all right, I'll write you a check, man.

Two checks, man.

We're going to bring unsuspecting customers who are upset over fake

their account.

We've asked comedian D .C. Irvin to help us out with this one. He's going to

play the customer service agent from hell.

Let's see what happens.

Yo,

what's

up? It's your boy, D .C. Irvin.

My goal today is to make somebody slap me.

Let's go.

It's time to get evil.

Thank you for calling T -Mobile. My name is DC.

How may I help you today?

I'm calling to discuss a phone bill for my daughter.

That's usually not the amount of money she spends on her phone bill. Mama might

let me have it. And it's $1 ,022.

How would you like to pay that today?

I'm not going to be paying it, and neither is she.

Well, someone's going to be paying it today.

Are you calling to make a payment today?

No. I'm calling to find out why is the bill so high?

Because the gas is so high.

We don't cook all day, so how did it go all the way up to $1 ,000?

Somebody cooking all day.

How would you like to make that payment today?

That's an issue, man. I don't understand how it's summed up to $1 ,025 .50. I

don't understand how you don't understand.

I don't have unlimited taxes. Excuse me, I mean, I'm the one asking you the

question. You want me to tell you where the charges are from?

Yeah, please.

Universalpornhub .com, that's one.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

There's a porn charge on here.

Duels on dual love.

That's for three hours.

Okay,

I'm not here to judge you, brother.

That's what Jesus is doing. I'm not here to judge you.

So how do you want to pay for it?

Obviously, you made some sort of mistake.

I don't think we made a $1 ,025 .50 mistake.

Check your records, baby. That's a definite mistake.

Well, check your bank account.

I don't need to check my bank account because my bank account is loaded with

money that you will not be getting for this full charge on her phone.

She's about to be Superman.

Okay, how about an extra $25 for your tone of voice?

How about that?

Okay,

now I'm a bitch.

Whoa, okay. Well, your bitch needs his money.

Are you just a cheap dude?

Where are you from?

i'm from compton you heard there all right what does that mean in compton we

our bills in brooklyn you don't that's what it means are you on welfare oh

you got a temper okay he was in my face

You would see my temper, but you are over the phone, so of course you're

to have a lot of stuff to say that you probably wouldn't normally say if you

were standing in my face. And you have a great day, sir.

Hello. Bet I'll call right back.

Is they calling back?

You hear?

It's them.

It's them.

Hello? You welfare -ass piece of shit. Don't you ever hang up the phone.

I'm on the way. I'm going to find you. You ain't on the way. On the way where,

you ho?

On the way.

Did you call me a ho?

Oh, okay. Now it just got real.

Now it just got real.

I'm going to have someone come get the money.

Oh,

this dude right here?

I can tell I'm going to piss him off.

If you paid for it, we wouldn't be on the phone right now.

What number did you give me? Because I'm about to beat the shit out of this guy,

for real.

I'm sorry I'm being rude to you, but it's like a big shock.

No, you're not being rude. You're not being rude one bit. How about this? If

send me some nudes, 100 bucks.

You do not talk to customers like that. Who the fuck do you think you're talking

to, dude? Do not contact this number again.

Holy... Hello?

I need my money. You called this number again?

I will come down there and I will give you a new one and I will shove your dick

down your throat.

I'll make you shit for breakfast.

No, call this number again.

People always talk crazy to customer service. Let's see what happens when I

up.

Hey, which one of y 'all is Holly?

I need my money.

Hey, money.

What you mean, want to touch her? I need that money. I'm about to be part of

that.

No, we can handle it right here.

Excuse me, what were you saying?

You going to pay your bill today?

The Con Edison bill.

Hey, what you was talking about, playboy?

I'm the dude you was on the phone with. What you was talking about?

Yeah, this is me. What you was talking about?

What you want to do, bro?

Hey, it's a prank comedy. It's a prank show.

50 Central.

It's a prank show. It's a prank show.

What?

What you mean?

It's a prank show, bro. It's a prank show.

It's a prank show.

Everybody in on it.

I'm about to take you out.

50 Cent, you got me. You got me good.

We'll be right back after these messages. Keep it locked right here on

Central.

Crack cocaine.

Make you break it to your mama house and steal all her shit.

And you live there. You got the key in your pocket, but you climbing through

window.

What do you say?

Excuse me, where are my manners?

Put the cash in the bag, please.

Next

up

is a special segment where I give up -and -coming artists a platform to

their talent.

I might give it up for Mario Toro.

One thing about being a comic, people don't even know my lifestyle. I drove

the way up here from Atlanta. Drove. No license.

What?

Yes. I am a superhero.

I don't care what nobody say. I think people who drive on suspended license

over two years and don't get caught, they should just give your shit back.

They should send you your shit in the mail like a Marriott Rewards car.

I love smoking weed. I'm the only one that smokes weed in here.

Huh?

Damn right. What?

Best shit ever. I know I ain't alone.

Crazy thing about weed, though. Safest drug on earth. Too many side effects of

other drugs. What?

Huh? Other drugs have too many.

Crack cocaine.

Make you break it to your mama's house and steal all her shit.

And you live there. You got the key in your pocket, but you climb through the

window.

It's the craziest shit ever. You coming through the window, Uncle James. What

you doing?

The key is in your pocket.

What other shit? Meth.

Huh? The new meth.

You lose your teeth and your face. How you lose your face, man?

Ain't no side effects of weed.

There's two things you can lose on marijuana.

And that's a good conversation and your keys.

That's it.

You could be talking to somebody. Where the f*** are my keys? What you say?

Yeah, that's right. But where are my keys?

I don't even understand where the f*** I lost my keys at while we was talking.

Love weed.

Only thing with weed, though, you better not do.

You better not take your ass home and cut that oven on. What? I almost burnt

whole apartment complex down the other day trying to make a damn pot pie. I was

already high.

And it said pot pie in it. I said, well, it's got pot in it. Let's cook this

shit.

I read the instructions. It say preheat the oven to 375.

Then place on the cooking sheet for 30 to 34 minutes. Then upon removal,

Let cool for 79.

I started doing the math. I said, God damn, that's another 48 minutes. Bitch,

I'm hungry.

Today, I did the only thing that any sensible person in here would have did

you was high. What?

I cranked the oven up to 485.

How's this shit go?

Then I started doing math. I knew algebra was going to help me one day.

I broke the shit down.

I said, well, if it's 375 for 24 to 30 -something minutes, if I put it on 485,

Six minutes. My black ass got high. I walked around and dozed off.

I woke up. Smoke was everywhere.

It was like I was cremating a body.

But not only did I do that, but at the end, the pot pot was so burnt, I looked

at the guts in it. The guts wasn't burnt, so I did anything any person

here would have done when he was high.

I took the guts and poured it on some white bread. I had a pot pot.

Hey, security guard, how do you describe yourself?

I'm fat, okay? I'm a fat guy. Look, just because you fat don't mean you're

unhealthy. That's what my mama said. I like banana pudding.

You're like lost in thought. I was just thinking about my New Year's resolution

to be more politically correct.

Specifically, like, should I use the word black or African -American in your

opinion? Which do you think?

Black or African -American? Black? Black? Anyone? African -American? I

cool with either one. Do you ever wonder why, though, there isn't two terms for

Caucasian, like white and something more PC, like rhythmically deficient

Americans?

This guy, you are one funny honky, Mark.

We've got exactly 10 minutes to pull up the pipe. If you're not out here in 10,

you get left.

Watch it.

3, 2, 1.

Do this.

No, wait, no, this is a robbery!

Everybody get down!

Let's go! Let's go!

No, let's move! Come on! Move, move!

Hop to it, hop to it! You, what's your preferred pronoun?

Oh, please don't shoot! You can say whatever you want!

Jesus! Don't use the Lord's name in vain!

I'm not personally related! but there might be folks in here who are.

Amen. I'm not going to shoot you, ma 'am, or you prefer Sarah.

God damn it! What's your pronoun?

She and her! My pronouns are she and her! Put the cash in the bag, lady! What

you say?

Excuse me, where are my manners?

Put the cash in the bag, please.

Rude ass.

Five minutes.

Hey, you fat type of lord, don't get us all killed.

I got kids.

Hey! Don't you talk to him like that.

Don't you know America has issues with fat shaming?

You talk like that in front of your kids.

I'm sorry.

I love fat people. I love fat people.

Hey, security guard.

How do you describe yourself?

I'm fat, okay? I'm a fat guy. Look, just because you're fat don't mean you're

unhealthy. That's what my mama said. I like banana pudding.

Yeah, yeah. You hear that? Now stop being an asshole.

Hear that out.

Oh, there's another person back here. It's a black man.

What? I said it's a black man. Oh, God, oh, God, please, don't shoot.

Why did you just say black person?

Why do you always whisper black?

Because I'm really not sure what it is anymore. I don't know what the right

answer is. Is it black or African -American? I'm confused. Plus, he

he had an accent, so it threw me off. Okay, let me clarify.

All black people are not from America.

Black is very appropriate.

Wait, what the...

What is going on in here today? We steal money, but we also try to respect

people's humanity. Is that so difficult to understand, my big -boned amigo?

Yeah, because being a bank robber doesn't mean you have to be a bad

Precisely. All right, my bad.

Sir!

All right.

Don't follow us out.

Don't call the police. An absolutely no funny business.

Understand? But most importantly, above all else, try to respect each other as

human beings, because that's most important.

Team, out!

Great job, you guys. You mean you all?

Excuse me. You all.

This tip shit crazy.

You having fun? Of course.

That's right. I'm chilling with my girl, UT, right here. Don't go nowhere.

50 Central will be right back.

Hey, hey.

Thank you for tuning in to another episode of 50 Central.

You know, we're not done yet. We got one last thing for you before we get out of

here. A boy came through and blessed us with another world premiere.

Check it out.

Thought I could come back when that road and I had came back wrong.

Talked a little with Herbie, but it didn't hurt me none at all. Man, I stay

working through a hard rain and thunderstorm.

I'ma stack this paper up again like I never done. I got these rose gold

I feel better now. I put the city on my back and I can't let them down.

Go get that semi -automatic and I'll let you down. I know some days I didn't

have it, I can't play around.

Daylight scooter, where you came from? Got me selling raw.

My VL keep that stick like he playing lacrosse. I lost a million, got it back,

can't take another loss.

All that jigging and finessing made myself a boss.

I got 20 gold chains, I feel better now.

I got three kids, 3 ,000 haters, I can't play around. I know you rap about them,

but can you rap a brick? These really entertaining today, so.

Little Mexico City, we got.

Thunderstorm is raining bricks. We don't get rain.

And I'm going to stack this money like I never done.

I can ride a chopper brick like I'm Daniel Stone.

I'm back with that rod and I ain't paying back. Talk a little about Herbie,

it didn't hurt me none at all. Man, I stay working through a hard rain and

thunderstorm. I'm going to stack this paper up again like I never done. I got

these rose gold jewels. I feel better now. I put the city on my back and I

let them down.

Go get this in your heart. A medic cannot lay you down. I know some things

didn't have and I can play around.

Chug house, number 10's around.

Lay it down, lay it down.

Chug house, number 10's around.

If I'm around, they break some piles around.

I got ghosts and they don't make a sound.

That chopper sound you on the ground. My diamond's wetter than the ocean. Yours

up and down.

All I do is count, get money and love.