Original subtitles

The curse words in this message have been approved by 50 Cent.

Bitch.

She's the bae you always wanted.

So why not give her the she's always wanted?

Introducing Kimmy.

A performance enhancer that helps you stay ready even after a night out

at the club.

No pills, just bottles.

Here's how it works.

Cognac helps men get and keep an erection harder than Black Panther's

Just get hella drunk off some brown, and before you know it, your Bruce Banner

will go full Hulk.

Side effects of Henny may include texting your ex to let her know what

missing, misplaced confidence in the form of sending out pics and thirsty DMs

girls way out of your league, passing out in an Uber, taxi cab, or city bus,

increased stamina, soaked sheets, waking up the neighbor's broken furniture, and

a general ability to beat that.

Call your homeboys if after sex your girl experiences shaky leg syndrome.

They're going to want to hear all about that shit.

Ask your bartender tonight about anything.

Because when it comes to your dick, anything is possible.

If your erection lasts for more than four hours, yo, then that shit lit, fam.

All right, all right.

Okay. These be on something.

Look around here and tell something.

These thirsty pros be done stole something. Shit's working for you, now

something. Them people come, I don't know nothing.

Officer, I don't know nothing. I'm the one these pros want. I be keeping that

dope.

I'm on something.

That bag coming.

You know what's up.

Yeah, trick him up. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, trick him up. Yeah.

Yeah, trick him up.

He's changing how the game is being played. Keep it up.

Hey, how's everyone doing? Give it up for DJ Farron.

Welcome to 50 Central. We got it all. We're breaking new internet stars,

featuring world premieres of new music videos, starship with hidden cam pranks,

and bringing you some of the hottest comedy with an amazing cast. Speaking of

that, please welcome to DMV Zone, Vince Wong.

Next up, we have VA Zone, Tia Roberts.

Next, we've got the Bay Area's own Mark Harley.

Representing South Los Angeles, we've got Tristan Williams.

And now for Miami, we've got Jasmine Brown.

Right, I had pictures of people, myself, from all across the country.

Hey, yo, Fifth, Fifth Man, what you high as for if you're going to do all the

talking? Yeah, why don't you just Russell Simmons and let us take it from

man? We got it.

I'm in the back.

I mean, you have to trust us. Like, he auditioned us. It was a very long

process. But so, just so y 'all know, as actors, sometimes I'm asked to do an

audition a little more urban.

I'm sorry. What does that mean exactly?

Mark, if that ever happened to you, you walk into an audition room and they say,

can you do that a little more urban? Like, how would you handle that?

I would say, can you give me a specific geographical urban city center so

I can adjust my dialect accordingly? See?

And that is why we love Mark because he knows when to ask questions and what to

say. Unfortunately,

Some of these actors did not.

We auditioned these actors for a fake video game to see what urban language

would be willing to say for the part.

Hey, how's it going?

Hey. Hey, I'm Zach.

Michael. Michael, pleasure, man. You can go ahead and hop behind the microphone

right there. Thanks again for coming in. So today we're casting Hood Assassins.

It's a multi -platform video game about a secret society of assassins who fight

crime in the hood.

Okay, so we're going to have you read for Pookie.

He's sort of like a real New York City gangster type.

So we need your character to really capture the affectations of whatever

would be.

All right, let's try it.

Me, I know this block.

This is my block.

And little ass bitches like you don't belong in my block.

So step, mug.

That was so good. Just a little more urban.

Damn, girl, you got a fine ass.

Damn, girl, you got a fine ass.

A little less Donald Glover, a little more DMX.

Damn, damn, damn, girl, you got a fine

ass. If you think about selling that yayo in my hood,

you got another thing coming.

My boot in your ass. I went to Harlem not too long ago, and that actually

reminded me a lot of it.

In this next line, it asks you to improvise some beatboxing.

Don't get caught up if you're bad at it. Let's go right into that. So I guess I

have.

So I guess I have to show these fools how Harlem represents.

That was great.

That's really fun.

One more time, a little bigger.

Excuse me, I'm sorry.

Curtis needs to see you in his office. Gotcha, gotcha. Sorry.

She just has one more line to go. She's reading some Pookie.

We have all the lines except for that very last one.

Okay. Sorry.

Who did that? I know what he's doing. Okay. Whatever the next line is, Jerome.

Yes.

Whatever your next line. He said you have one more line.

Whatever it was. Okay.

These cracker -ass crackers got a n***a tripping up. These cracker -ass crackers

got a n***a tripping. These cracker -ass crackers got a n***a tripping up.

That's a lot.

Okay.

Sorry.

Is it not supposed to say that?

It's kind of less about what it says on the paper.

And more about the fact that you just clearly just spat it out like you were

comfortable saying that line.

I didn't know what any of this means.

You don't know what those words mean on the paper?

It doesn't say the E -R, it says... So that's different.

I don't know, isn't it?

You know, I don't use that word in life, but if that's what I got to do for the

script, then... You just said it in front of me like it was all good.

Like legitimately you felt comfortable just saying that? No, I didn't. He just

told me to say it. Of course I didn't. What do you mean? So you didn't feel

comfortable when you said it? He told me to say the line. He's been telling me

to read the line more urban, more urban every single time I say it. What does

urban mean?

He's been saying it to me. Well, what did you think he meant when he said it?

said less Donald Glover, more DMX.

That's what he said to me. Okay, somehow we got to that part.

That's the last line. What did you want me to say? I wanted you to not be

comfortable saying that, especially in front of me. Isn't he, like, so great?

But did you say he asked you to be more urban earlier before I came in?

Those were all, yes, that was the direction.

Is that what you told him to do?

I didn't say that.

I don't even know what urban means. What does that mean? That's what I'm trying

to get him to. He said something about DMX and Donald Glover. Is that like a

white thing?

Look.

I, I, now I don't feel comfortable. I was just, my only job was to say the

line. Everything is on tape that was, that happened.

Well, you're 1 ,000 % right. Everything's on tape because you are on

show. And we are just f***ing with you.

I'm so sorry, dude.

You mother f***er. I was like, girl, I'm just reading

the line.

You know how to make a white girl sweat?

Like, wait.

All right, y 'all, stick around. There's plenty more comedy coming your way.

In your way, in your way, in your way, in your way, in your way. And you get

some comedy, and you get some comedy.

I want to know how in tune you are.

You play a game with me?

Yeah, let's play a game. Okay, okay, so this game...

I'm going to give you some clues, and you tell me who you think it is.

Okay. All right, so this person played Fresh Prince.

Will Smith. Okay, okay.

You had a dog named after this person. Oprah.

Yeah, okay.

Okay, this person, very funny, was in the number one movie of the year.

McCarthy. Okay, no, no, no. Okay, she's a stand -up comedian, and she was in

that movie.

Leslie Jones.

No, no. The movie was Girl Strip. She was in Girl Strip, very funny female in

that movie. Oh, Queen Latifah.

When did Queen Latifah ever do stand -up comedy? Okay.

She was grapefruiting in the movie.

Regina Hall.

Hell no, man. She wasn't even in that scene.

There's four women in it, and she was one of the four very, very funny

Jada Pinkett Smith?

Come on, man.

Four girls. Name three of them. Okay, I got it.

Issa Rae.

Issa Rae. No, it's Issa Rae.

Issa Rae. That's her name. It was me. I was in Girls Trip.

The mole, you don't recognize the mole? I'm the only...

Female comic out here.

I know. Don't mess up the lunch, man. No, don't mess up the lunch. It's lunch,

man. You probably don't even know my name. What's my name? Tiffany.

What's my last name?

See?

I'm good.

Your show, I don't even want to be on your show. Because you don't even know

You don't even know. I was going to grapefruit you. I was going to give you

fruit rollout. I don't care how much money you got. F*** your vodka, too. How

about that?

What the f***?

We interrupt your regularly scheduled program with some breaking news. Chet?

That's right, Gail. We go live to our sky chopper that is on the scene.

Well, don't stop looking at me. Put them cameras away. You act like you've never

seen a pimp on a scooter before.

A local suburban neighborhood is on high alert after yet another Cat Williams

sighting. Pimp down.

Pimp down. In the event of a Cat Williams sighting, do not approach. If

watching this, please stay inside.

I look beautiful.

To the naked eye, he may seem small in stature with a history of being subdued

by much younger, weaker adversaries. But there's no telling what he's capable of

once his adrenaline mixes with all that hair relaxer that's in his system.

Somebody get this old raggedy back in her nothing home.

For more on this, we go to Lori Evans, who's on the scene. Lori.

Mr. Harbinger, can you tell us what you saw?

Yeah, me and the boys were assembling a Davenport and back when we saw the Cat

Williams roll by on a scooter. And at first, I thought it was some sort of

drunk. black leprechaun but then i realized who it was and you never quite

if you're gonna get it's pimping pimping cat williams or getting beat up by

seventh grader on the internet's cat williams so we went inside closed the

garage door and promptly called the authorities man safety first probably

best course of action once again do not approach a cat williams and under no

circumstances should you feed a cat williams speaking of we're getting more

reports of cat williams and some more footage it appears that he's going

some garbage

Oh, look at all this right here. This is the jackpot right here. These may not

be Louis Vuitton bags, but they got some good shit in them, that's for sure. Oh,

is that open bottles of coconut water? I don't drink that, but I do. Oh, this

will be perfect for those candles. This is a beautiful table. This must be made

from Christmas trees.

That literally made no sense.

Agreed. Lastly, authorities have issued this statement. If you come into contact

with Cat Williams, pull on your stomach and play dead.

That's right. Don't change the channel. We got a lot more show for you.

All right, guys. Okay.

So there's a little game that me and my girlfriends like to play. And ladies in

the audience, I'm sure you guys have played this as well. And guys play it

It's called Smash, Marry, and Kill. Okay, I've heard of that. You heard of

Okay, so you know how to play? Uh -huh. All right, so Destiny's Child, go.

Destiny's Child. Let's see. I would smash Beyonce because that'd be an

experience. Then I would marry Kelly and kill Michelle.

Come on. Hasn't she been through enough already? Michelle got to go, baby.

Michelle got to die.

Yeah.

Everyone's like, yeah.

Michelle got to die.

Let's see what happens when Smash, Marry, Kill gets really real out in the

world. Jasmine hit the streets of Harlem asking the same exact question.

Let's see how the average New Yorker did.

I'm going to show you three celebrities, and you're going to pick which one

you'll smash, you'll marry, and you'll kill. Okay. So we have 50 Cent, Drake,

and Lil Wayne. Which one would you smash? I'll smash 50 Cent, I'll marry

and I'll kill Lil Wayne.

Why? Little Wayne, because I'm not too into his music. Drake is real cute. And

50 Cent, that's just my daddy.

Hey, daddy.

Eminem. Dr.

Dre and 50 Cent.

I would smash Eminem. Yeah, white boy.

Yes, I like white boys. I would marry Dr.

Dre and I would kill 50.

Really? We have LeBron James, 50 Cent. All right. And Michael B. Jordan.

LeBron.

I would probably choose him to marry.

I'd kill Michael B. Jordan. I feel so bad saying that.

Get it, girl!

I think I would marry...

Michael B. Jordan.

I would kill LeBron James. I would kill 50 Cent. I would marry 50 Cent. I love

50, but he's the bad guy in power, so he got to go.

I'm a real fan.

Okay, you're a real fan. So you have like this ongoing crush on 50 Cent. I

actually want to meet him. Really? So if you got the plug, plug me.

Have you?

Would you tell that you met him?

I'm here for you.

So why would you kill 50, though? I would kill him because I think he can't

handle me.

So if you had the chance to tell 50 cents, would you tell him?

Why would you kill me?

Oh, my God, 50 cents. I would not kill him.

We got to go smash. Let's go.

That was an amazing show. Thanks for coming out.

And check it out. We got a little more for you. We also dropping a world

premiere of the new music video every week. And this week, we're bringing you

Lenny Grant's own On and On featuring myself and Jeremiah.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa!

We'll be right back.

We'll be right back.

I'm saying she crazy.

She saying he crazy. You know that kind of crazy you need, baby.

You should just give me the right time. I'll send you the flag time. Show you

around New York. We can sit down and talk.

I'm an overachiever. I make you a believer.

Or you make me a believer.

Then I feel like I need you. I done dealt with some zombies.

It's a beautiful bomb.

Flyers, they got. It's the truth that I gave them. It's nothing.

Don't check. I'm going to run it up. Run it up.

Due to I felt like I done telling off. Come on. With one life to live, we got

live it up. Yeah. Girl, one step in the trip, you got to give it up. Stop the

kicking. Proceed with the touching.

Graduate to Palacio. Then Climax. Put on your body. Private party is waiting

here. No VIP.

Ain't got no shit in here, baby, yeah.

You know me from way back by.

Can't lie to you, that's a bad cry.

With me when I'm that dry.

You call when you need that pie.

It go on and on, on and on with you, baby.

It go on and on, on and on with you, yeah.

It don't get no better, no better, no better.

It don't get no better, no better.

You know better than you know. Baby ride with me.

Be by me and Clyde with me.

I cut all them girls off for you. They tell us to hide for you. They DMing and

calling you.

Damn them stalking you.

Mad I don't want to get with them.

They Mr. High used to give it to them. They want that dick.

You know me from way back by.

Can't lie to you, that's a bad cry.

Still with me when I'm back, right?

You call when you need that pie.

It go on and on, on and on with you, baby.

It go on and on, on and on with you, yeah. It don't get no better, don't get

better, get no better than you.

Don't get no better, don't get no better, get no better.