Original subtitles

How'd you get here?

I know how I got here.

My car.

I'm Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. Remember me?

You disgusting pervert!

Oh, you do remember.

Oh, well, I've never disappointed a fan.

Never disappointed a stranger, for that matter.

And I promise to be just as disgusting and perverted as ever.

Please, hold your applause.

Because I'm not sure what movie I'm going to play yet. So just play with

yourselves while I make up my mind.

Let's see what the DVD devil sent me.

Oh, boy. It's the entire evil movie collection.

Let's find out what's trending in hell this week.

Oh, evil song starring Taylor Swift.

Evil, they're wrong.

Back of the smoking jacket.

Evil bong. Ah.

Trust me, anything that rides up your crack is evil.

Evil gong?

Oh, that sounds annoying.

Evil pong?

Oh, table tennis played with talking testicles.

Oh, evil slong? Oh, I've seen that one in all its sequels.

Evil dong one, two, and three.

Oh, and dong of the dead.

Ooh, I can't believe it. Here is one I have never seen before.

Evil bong.

Hmm. I wonder what it's about.

It's a bong, man.

It's evil.

Well, ask a stupid person. Get a stupid answer.

This movie features Tommy Chong. You know, the unfunny one from Cheech and

Chong. Oh, and Cheech, if you're watching, Maury Povich called with the

results, and you are the father.

You know what DNA stands for?

Do not ask.

Because most of the time, I don't want to know.

All righty, it's time to get high with a little help from your friend, the Harry

Potter of potheads, the Sylvester Stallone of stoners, the Vin Diesel of

vaporizers, the Tom Hanks of hash, the Robert De Niro of reefer, the Spider

of Mary Jane, the Gandhi of ganja, the man who put the Maui in the wowie, the

man who gave Obama the phrase, yes, we can, the bus, the man who has said the

word man more times than any man in the history of man, the one and hopefully

the only A -cademy. a weed winner, Tommy Chong in Evil Bong.

In the morning, in the night, when I don't feel so right.

Oh, through the misty haze, the green or bright end of my day.

Cloud of smoke to clear my mind.

Chug the cup to help unwind.

Everywhere I go, I take it. Oh, it's like I can't escape it.

Only thing I need, only thing I need.

Mean green, wicked weed.

Heaven from the devil's sea.

Feeding for it every day. You know I want that Mary Jane.

Mean, mean, wicked mean.

You got a hold of me.

Feeding for it every day. You know I want that Mary Jane.

Light the fire, spark the tree.

Make it a part of me.

Think of all the life it brings. Just growing from those little things.

I need my smoke today. Work too hard to get home today.

I just need a break.

Oh, one more talk that I can say.

Oh, the thing I need, the thing I need.

What's that?

Me, me, wicked me.

Heaven from the devil's sea.

Feeding for it every day. You know I want that Mary Jane.

Me, me, wicked me.

You've got a hold of me, fiending for it every day. You know I want that Mary

Jane.

Hello? Hello?

What are you doing, bro? Are you, like, trying to speak to me? Oh, no, no, no,

no, no, no. Of course not. Wait, wait, wait. You're not a narc, are you?

you kind of look like 5 -0.

Narc, I'm afraid I don't want...

What are you doing?

Checking you out for a wire.

Oh, I can assure you I am not a narcotics officer. I'm here to answer

Dude, why didn't you say something?

Well, is the room still open? It's 40 bucks a week.

Is that cool?

Good times, bro.

Consider yourself a roomie.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Yeah, yeah, I mean, this is all good. This is all you. This kingdom, this

castle, you are officially a part of the experience, bro.

Yes, well, it's, uh, splendid, isn't it?

Let me give you the guided tour. Come on.

You gotta check this out. This is my favorite part.

Check out this kitchen. This is where we make all our delectable treats.

Brownies, cookies, etc.

Nice.

Bok bok!

Fuck, bro.

Fuck,

we got a new roomie, bro.

Alistair. Alistair McDowell.

Call me Bachman, man.

Like the Roman god of partying, I'm always down for a good bash.

Bachman? Oh.

I believe you mean Baka, the god of wine and revelry.

The Greeks earlier called him Dionysus, and interestingly enough, they're the...

Cool, cool.

Welcome to the pad, Al.

Uh, actually, I prefer Alistair.

Al, you can crash over here, bro.

Uh, I understood that I'd be renting my own room.

Bro.

This is your own room.

Room is in space. This is your space. All your space.

Hey. Because I'm a nice guy?

I'm even gonna throw in a mattress.

Just like five bucks extra.

Peanut.

Brett, you gotta meet Al. He's our new roomie, bro. Alistair.

Right. Dude.

Revenge of the Nerds 12 just called.

They're looking for extra.

I beg your pardon? I mean, take a look at this bit up.

Hell, all you're missing is a pock protector and a protraction.

Perfect. Perfect.

Well, I have to keep up the appearances for the ladies.

Good luck with that, buddy.

First, you might want to hit the gym.

You curl, rock the crunches, peck on the proteins.

You do know what red meat is?

Actually, studies on red meat have found that the carcinogens make it against

minogens. I mean, seriously, look at you, dude. What are these, arms or dead

twigs? You've got to stay strong, Al. He's just been in a sour mood.

Yeah, man, I don't mean anything by it.

Just, you know, I'm just saying.

You want to score?

With chicks.

Get a workout, son.

Check me out.

I never have a problem with ladies.

Chicks dig the long ball.

Touch them all, Brett.

Touch them all.

You know,

trophy wives.

I mean, guys.

What's up, bro?

What is this doing here?

Oh, Dad got on my trip to Maui, man.

So that's what she's in there.

So?

What is it doing here?

With my trophy?

It's just sitting there, bro.

That's what shells do.

This is my trophy!

Not your super fricking ears.

Not cool.

Great.

I can't hear the ocean anymore.

I think he busted it. Thanks, Brett.

Oh, monkey.

I'll bust it if I find that thing near my trophy again. Whatever.

Queer.

These things should be at the campus. That display case in the entrance

All the other trophies.

So, uh, you're a baseball player?

Starting pitcher.

Uh, I think he was more of a catcher.

I used to be.

Until he sprung a piss test on us by surprise.

He cut me from the team.

I'm fighting it, though.

Oh, no, no. No, thank you, Bill.

Seriously? Quite.

While I have no objections to any of you partaking in the activity, for myself,

I find that the potential damages aren't worth the risk.

I'm seeking a master's in chemistry with a bachelor's in metaphysics.

Heart science and the transcendental.

So encompassing both worlds, you see.

And to complete my studies, I will require that every one of my brain cells

in tip -top condition.

Dude, it's just weed.

Oh, nevertheless.

But please, feel free.

I hate to break it to you, bud, but living here...

Secondhand smoke alone is gonna kill you by, like, a whole bunch of IQ points.

You ever been on those secondhand highs?

I guarantee you plenty of that transportation.

Transcendental. Yeah.

I am certain I'll be fine.

Hey,

check this out.

With Al's rent, I finally got enough to buy this.

Large bong for sale.

Originally purchased in the 1960s in New Orleans.

Recently deceased owner claims it was possessed.

Whoa.

A haunted bong.

Guaranteed to give amazing highs, bro.

Seller not responsible for possible bad side effects.

We gotta have it.

We gotta have it.

Don't be a sucker. It's a scam.

Just like that grilled cheese sandwich with Jesus' face on it. What are you

talking about, bro? That was online.

Okay, everything on that internet is a scam. You can't trust anything because

that's how the Fed spy on us through our computer. I must say, this ad does

sound somewhat suspect.

It's high time, fellas.

Okay, everything in here is on the up and up.

Totally.

Whatever. You're a dull man.

Dude, have them express mail it to the house ASAP.

Because if there's one thing this pad is lacking, it's a killer fucking bong,

man.

Arnelle! Please!

Learn now.

Ow!

Dude! You are making it impossible for me to study. Check it out, bro. I was on

level 15 and you just shit on me.

This is the third time in a row I broached the topic.

Now, perhaps if you'd listen to me, instead of playing your games, you'd

how I feel.

Get that, bro.

Lornell.

What do you want, bro?

Package for you.

That box is huge. What's in it?

What's in it?

I don't look in the boxes.

That's against regulation.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy, bro.

Easy. I'm a professional.

I make over $200 a week.

You look in the box, you get fired.

Lornell, perhaps it's...

The item?

Item.

You've been waiting for?

Item I've been waiting for. Yeah, that's it.

It's the item you've been waiting for.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the item I've been waiting for.

There's postage too, friend.

Hey, it's been a bad month, bro. Can you let this slide a little under the rug?

I'm a professional.

You spot me a little coin, I'll take it off next week. Fine.

Just last time, bro, last time.

Thanks,

bro.

Oh, baby, baby, baby, come to daddy.

Yeah.

This is there.

Oh, man, you frontin' Laura again.

I thought you were supposed to be smart.

Perhaps you're right, but...

I'm only trying to help out.

Larnell's financial acumen leaves something to be desired.

Yeah. And he ain't too good with money, either.

Now, believe it or not, he comes from money.

Really?

Where I was loaded.

Some kind of bigwig lawyer.

Until he got creamed by a bus.

That's horrible.

Huh? Oh, no, that old man's still alive, you know.

Crippled in a wheelchair.

Anyway, you know, he had Larnell on an allowance until he dropped out of law

school and cut him off.

That's unfortunate.

Unfortunate?

It's brutal.

Oh, man, the party's used to having that dough.

That was my meat.

See, that's grinding by instead of that brain of yours.

See, that's what I'm talking about, bro.

Huge. Look at the beauty, bro. Look at the beauty.

Looks like a piece of crap.

Told you it was a scam.

Once again, I'm going to have to align myself with Brett's opinion.

Dude, it's junk. Send it back.

No, no, no, no. Don't you see? It's shaped like a beautiful woman, bro.

You got the tits and the badge.

You're fucking nuts.

You two are a cloud of fucked up. This is the best investment ever made in my

life, bro.

I say let's fire this thing up.

Monkey this might

be joke

Awesome, bro.

What's so awesome about it, man?

The ads hit amazing highs.

Where's your money -back guarantee?

You telling me that's not an amazing high? Sure, it's good weed, but, you

I'm just saying.

Regular high.

Same as any other. Regular high.

The bong's nothing special, man. You got ripped off. There's nothing amazing

about it. Hey,

every high is amazing.

It's just like there's no such thing as a bad BJ.

Bullshit.

Example, bro.

That redhead.

Carla Brewster.

Chick had a set of teeth on her.

Like a school prawn gnashing on a baby goat.

That poor goat.

Hey, B, let's do another hit, man.

Huh?

Bro, I said let's do another hit. Come on. No dice, man.

We're gonna have to score some more weed tomorrow.

Summer, bro.

Yeah. I still say this thing is awesome.

In fact...

So awesome.

Oh, no way, man.

Keep that shit away from my trophies.

Beautiful, right, bro?

Feminine surrounded by masculine. There's something.

Spiritual about it, don't you think?

What the fuck are you talking about?

I'm feeling it.

I'm definitely feeling it.

Looks like I dream of genie on steroids.

If you're stoned, it seems like 24 minutes.

But if you're not, it seems like 24 years.

Pass that.

Pass that.

Fuck,

man. You've done like three times as much as me, bro. Slow it down.

I love it too, man, but moderation, you know?

Shit.

Remember Luann?

Hey, what's up, loser?

Is that your friend, Janet?

Hi, guys.

That's Bachman over there, totally out of it.

Here's Arnelle.

And that guy over there.

Ow!

Hi.

Wash his skivvies in the kitchen.

Oh.

Hey, Janet.

So you're a friend of Luanne's, huh?

We got a couple classes together.

So how come I've never seen you before?

Dude, just give it up, Lornell. She is so not into you.

What, is she mute or something? She can't talk for herself?

I know it's a radical concept.

Whatever. Sorry, Lornell. I'm not interested.

Oh, yeah.

Crash and burn, dude.

Not at all, B. On the contrary. This is a breakthrough in communications between

the sexes, bro.

Straightforward, no BS, no games. That's what I'm talking about, Janet.

We're all adults, right?

Right? Who wants a bruski?

Hey,

you don't mind, do you, doctor?

Whatever.

Thank you.

Hi there, Janet, Luanne.

Nice to meet you both.

Uh, you must be a cheerleader at the school.

Oh, yeah? Um, what makes you say that?

Well, your outfit would be the largest indicator.

Do this whole thing?

No, I just wear this because it, um, turns me on.

Rah, rah, rah, zumba.

So, Janet, you're, uh...

You go to the college?

Psych major.

Oh, a fascinating study.

That's one word for it. I'm in chemistry myself.

Oh, really?

Then perhaps maybe you could explain something, Al.

Alistair, actually.

Okay, Alistair.

I was just wondering, were you in the middle of conducting a chemistry

experiment, or are you just happy to... Wow, this kid

is... Foaming at the mouth.

Down south.

I was merely... Yeah, it happens to the best of us.

No, I was twisting the... Oh, twisting.

Is that what the kids are saying these days?

I'm actually looking to say, you know, choking the chicken, wanking the weasel,

packing the meat. No, I mean... Oh, but you know, the hair looks great too, Al.

Yeah, it's hot.

If you'll just excuse me.

You ladies should stay and join us for one more hit.

That's a bong. Dude.

It's gigantic.

Yeah, a gigantic outhouse. White trailer chest wouldn't even crop in. It's so

gross. Hey, dude. Ew moment.

Learn how things don't work on Mark.

Dude, seriously? It looks like an old moldy dick. I ain't sucking that shit.

Well, that's harsh, Luanne, even for you.

Yeah, whatever.

Adios, ladies.

We got a party to go to.

Later, dickheads.

Bitch.

What was that?

What?

Sounded like somebody just called me something.

I didn't hear nothing. Yeah, don't you even go there, pencil dick.

Not cool, dude.

Bro. It was probably Bachman or something.

Right. Yeah, whatever.

Well, make yourself at home.

We have everything here you desire.

Enjoy yourself.

Looks like you're having fun.

Whoa, another little dude.

Watch yourself, kid.

Hey, I didn't mean any offense.

I don't mean that.

I mean her.

I know a lot about the creatures of the night, kid.

Each other, that way.

I'll be just fine, thanks.

You like what you see?

Oh, mama.

You want to see more?

Is the writer stoked to carve a sick barrel?

Translation, babe?

Hell yeah.

Got boobs, huh?

That's cool.

That's cool.

Remember,

boys, boobs can bite back.

Is that puppet doing what I think he's doing?

Yeah,

pour me a bowl.

Good morning, Brett.

You just getting in?

Must have been quite the soiree last night, huh?

Oh, yeah. Hell of a party, too.

You know what you're missing out on, Al? Keeping your nose in those books 24 -7.

Well, there'll be ample time to party down when my schooling's finished.

Then what? Some big career as a scientist or something?

Something like that.

Someday. Yeah?

Yeah, I thought someday I'd be pitching for the Dodgers.

Then I pulled my hammy last season and the whole drug thing went down.

Take it from me, Al.

Dreams don't always come true.

Don't hit the books so hard they hit back and knock the fun out of you.

Hey, get up, you dipshits. We gotta clean this place up. This little looks

a wreck and the chicks are coming over to party tonight.

Will Janet be coming too?

Get up.

What's up, bro? Is someone here? Do I gotta flush the stuff down the crapper?

Relax, man. You're tweaking out, dude. Everything's cool. I'm cool, bro. I'm

cool. Hey, you too, Bachman. Let's go.

I mean it, bro.

You've been crashed here all night?

How much do you smoke?

A lot, bro.

Does my bong look different?

It felt weird.

Bachman? Bachman?

Oh, my God.

He's expired.

What do you mean?

I mean he's passed on, deceased.

Crow?

You shitting me?

Oh, what a buzzkill!

What are you telling me, B?

Arnel Bachman is dead.

Fuck, bro!

What are you telling me, Bachman? Like fucking 20 -something?

Don't fucking check down. Talk to me, man. Give me a monkey, bro. Give me a

fucking monkey. Come on, bro. Chill, chill, chill. Take this out, man. What

you doing?

Calling the authorities, of course.

Do you think we want the cops here, man?

Take a look around. Come on, man. We got weed coming out of our wazoo.

They will have to be notified, Brett.

Fuck, man. Fuck, man. Fuck, fuck, fuck. He's dead, bro. We found the fucking

couch. We can't have the fucking cops over here.

I'm thinking.

What is there to consider? This was obviously some kind of accident, and now

he's dead.

After blowing my drug test last night, being involved with something like this.

Accident or not.

We have to call the police. So not cool, bro. Dead fucking dude on the couch.

I got it.

Arnell, don't balk at his parents over when they bail. Yeah, bro, mid -bail.

Cute little house, white picket fence.

We used to play catch when we were just little dudes in the fucking backyard,

bro.

Here's the plan.

We wait till it's dark.

We drive him over there.

We drop him off at the curb, man.

You can't be serious. That's what mobsters do after a hit.

They drop the body off at a loved one's house to serve as a warning.

Man, that's a good idea. I try to blame it on the mob. I knew that noggin of

yours was going to come in handy, Al. That's not what I meant. Clark, give me

hand, man. This is the best thing for him. Besides, he won't want us to get

any kinds of trouble.

Will you two just stop and think for just one moment?

What the hell?

Somebody's at the door. I don't see who it is.

I thought you... It's the cops, bro.

It appears to be an elderly gentleman with a wheelchair.

Holy shit, bro, it's my grandpa.

What the hell is he doing here? Just shut the fuck up. Maybe he'll go away.

Larnell, I can hear you in there, you fool.

What do we do?

Have you two gone completely lame?

Open up this door instantly, you cocksuckers.

Hold him off, Al.

Uh, Larnell is indisposed at the moment.

Don't get him disposed, goddammit.

He'll be with you shortly.

Hey, Grant.

What a cool surprise.

Hey, Si, it's great to see you.

Ah, shut up, you pathetic louts.

Moronic pricks.

Miscreants, all of you.

Where's the other one?

The, uh, the surfer.

Bachman? Oh, he just up and moved out, you know, kind of a drag.

Yeah.

Moved out, did he?

Well, good riddance is what I say.

Just an utter waste of human skin.

About as much use as a soil tampon.

Who's this?

You're new here.

Alistair McDowell, sir.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

You seem different than the others.

Clean cut.

Well married.

Marked improvement.

Yeah, yeah, Al's really great, Grandpa. Even helps me with my studies and all.

That's a wasted cause if ever there was one.

Got a mind like a urinal cake.

So, uh, what brings you down here anyway, Grandpa?

I came to introduce you to your new grandmother.

You mean you finally remarried, huh?

I did indeed, my boy.

Indeed, I did. So what's she like? I mean, with your dough, you could have

anyone. Oh, she's a catch.

And I'm not the only one who had my eye on her, either.

The lodge was a bath.

All the boys wanted a crack at her.

So where's she at?

She's parking the car.

She'll be right up.

Is she hot?

Oh, she's a looker.

That's for certain.

Oh, that's so cool.

You know, I was hoping you'd hook up with some big -titted bimbo that I could

bang on the side.

Disgusting pervert!

Oh, I only hope that one day convicts will feast upon your

scrotum sack.

You know, bro, I was just pitting around. You don't got to come at me like

Grandpa. Is your mind perpetually in the gutter, you useless, vulgar douchebag?

This is your new grandmother we're talking about, not some...

Two bits loose, floozy for you to defile with your nasty little penis.

No good, worthless enema bag. So, Si, where did you meet the little lady?

Well, I was inspecting my gyms that I owned down on the west side.

She was on the racquetball court.

She caught my eye immediately.

The way she slammed that ball.

Her body, lithe and aggressive.

Vibrant and sensuous.

Boys, I want you to meet Dame Rosemary

Cornwallis.

Ooh, Graham's new wife must be really hot.

Or maybe not.

Oh my God.

Bro, that's your wife?

Is she a beauty?

She can hardly walk.

Oh, she's fine.

Just close to her nap time.

Would you like some tea, ma 'am?

Thank you.

Is she okay?

She's a little spent, that's all.

This morning, she and I had ourselves a go.

A go?

You wouldn't believe what a vixen she is in the sack.

Well, I'm going to take myself a quick dump, and then Rose and I will be on

about our business, leaving you three to do whatever it is you do.

Let me get that for you. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of this myself,

you crow magnon.

Now, why don't you limp dicks clean as pigs tie up?

Miserable bunch of no -account cocksuckers.

What's it all about?

I'm not entirely devoid of surprise.

Shit, man. I thought they'd never leave.

Can you believe the dude actually sleeps with that withered bag?

She's all of that when she opens her legs and my flatters match.

I think I'm gonna be ill.

Dude, it's packed.

Packed.

We never speak of this again.

Never.

But back to the business at hand, what are we going to do about Bachman?

What'd you do with her?

Her who?

My bong, bro.

Your bong's a she?

What'd you put her over here for?

Well, you told me to hide her. Not on the fucking ground behind the couch.

a little respect, bro.

How can you even think about getting high at a time like this?

Are you kidding me? It's all I can think about. The old man was stressing me out

big time.

He almost found Bachman.

Speaking of that, what if something's wrong with marijuana?

What do you mean?

Hey, bright boy might have a point here.

What if Bachman's dead because the weed's bad?

I smoked it too.

But not as much?

Dude, it can't be the weed. No weed on earth could kill Bachman. You know, come

to think of it, remember Luann took some last night.

We all smoked it and we didn't croak.

It can't be the weed, bro.

Oh shit, the girls are coming over. Oh man, we gotta get this place clean.

First thing we gotta do is dump Bachman somewhere.

We are not dumping him anywhere.

We can't leave him here.

Don't get me wrong, dude.

Bachman's a great guy and a hell of a dude, but he doesn't care what happens

him anymore.

How about we store Bachman down there just for tonight, man, and we can have

little party.

Then in the morning, we'll bring him up, put him on the couch, you know, and

we'll call the cops then.

But the medical examiner will know that he's been dead for more than 24 hours.

I mean, how are we supposed to explain that?

Well, this baby's sleeping, man. Dude crashed for days when he got faked, man.

mean, what's the big mystery?

I suppose.

Of course you suppose, man. We could sell that to the cops easy, man.

First thing we gotta do is get this place cleaned up, man, and get you all

spiffed up.

What's the point? She probably doesn't even know my name.

What's the point?

What's the point, man?

Lousy fucking attitude, bro, man. Have a little backbone, man. How about some

stones, bro?

Dude, I'm going to be off with Luann getting me a piece of that action.

You've got the best chance in the whole world to score with Janet.

But I totally embarrassed myself in front of her. Are you kidding, man? She

thought it was cute, dude.

I thought I'd give you the fuck me eyes.

Really?

Big time.

I like me to have a chance with her.

She's too brainy, you know, but Luanne, on the other hand, well, she's about as

smart as a box of doorknobs.

She has an egghead, you know, like you.

You've got a lot in common.

She did seem rather bright.

You're going to get laid tonight, my friend.

Yeah.

Yeah. All right, great, then. Let's get this dip downstairs.

Lana.

Oh, Lana.

Wicked stuff.

Feeling good, Lana.

She can talk.

Damn straight, baby.

One more toast, Lana. Just one.

You got it, baby.

Come on, Papa.

I'm coming.

Closer.

I'm coming hard.

me.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, baby.

Come on.

Take it.

Take it.

Oh,

yeah.

Rockin' deep.

Get up now.

Sit back, baby.

Ready for a ride.

That's some good shit.

Dance straight.

Oh, yeah.

Come to mama.

Oh, these scenes were shot on location in Poland.

Oh,

my

sweet God.

Dude! Dude!

Dude, I thought you were dead.

Dude, don't insult me.

Do I look dead?

Dude, you look good.

Have fun in here.

This place.

It's awesome.

Ta -ta.

Dude.

Dude.

Hey, hey, hot stuff.

Welcome, Lana.

We have everything here that you would need.

Mm -hmm.

Oh, yeah?

Then how about we change up these tunes?

I want to hear some rock and fucking roll!

Ooh, I love it when you talk.

Rock it, baby!

Rock it!

Oh,

if there's one thing I can't stand, it's fake boobs.

Uh, make that two thing.

Double awesome.

Pretty fucking hot. Uh,

make that three thing. A talk and turn and a bow tie.

I'd like to bite me off a piece of that pastry.

Now that's what I'm talking about.

Oh, I love it.

Touch me in the dough, boy. Oh, my big chest nuts.

Uh -oh, I'm gonna cream.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, no.

You twisted deviant.

What the fuck are you doing here, old man?

You know, you're turning this into a bad trip real fast.

Ever since you were a toddler and that day I walked in and found you sucking on

your dirty diapers, I knew then that you'd grow up to be a great A -ignorant.

A lot better than being a grade -A ignoramus like you, Skeletor. I suppose

dancing harlot up there is your kind of woman.

Are you kidding me? This chick is awesome. You should have married a chick

this instead of that dusty old vaginal scab.

What? I mean, that bitch is more fucked up than any mummy movie I ever saw.

I'll teach you some respect, you insolent little cocksucker.

Evie, can I get a hand here?

Now that's what I'm talking about.

You got it, my man. You got it.

Here, baby. I have a surprise for you.

Are you about to have a good time?

Baby, the fun's just getting started.

That's what I'm talking about.

Nemo.

No.

You think it tastes the second water?

I got a big enough boat for those fish.

Get out your pole, baby.

Whoa, it's Jaws in double D.

It's kind of weird and kinky.

actually clean the place up? Of course, we were coming over.

Oh, I'm gonna call Ripley.

Here,

where's Bachman?

Ah, Bachman, he's, uh... He's dead tired. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's dead tired.

He's playing low tonight.

Good evening, Janet.

Glad you could make it.

Hi, Alistair. Nice jacket.

Oh, well, I had to be presentable.

After all, this is a special occasion.

It is?

Of course.

Any time a lady of your learning and beauty crosses the threshold of this

house is a special occasion.

I'm guessing there aren't any more like you back home, are there?

I would hope not.

Go ahead and move the rest, Janet.

This is for the win. We are kicking your... Hey, we've been playing this

game. Must be loaded off my hat.

Oh, yeah, dude, but they're never going to get this one.

Okay, you guys ready?

What important document of 1783 was signed by Benjamin Franklin and other

founding fathers? That's easy. The Constitution.

Wait a minute, Janet. Wait a minute. I believe that the Constitution was even

later.

1787.

The Treaty of Paris.

You're right. That was in 83.

That's our answer. The Treaty of Paris.

We're prettier. That's why we're so hot.

It's all about teamwork.

Dude,

congrats on the win.

Seriously.

Ah, flat chill and humor.

The comic allure of intestinal gas.

What are friends for, bud?

You're right, of course.

You guys, now let's get this party started!

Woo!

Oh, no, thank you.

Al won't touch this stuff.

I'm worried about his brain health. I keep telling him he's got plenty.

He can waste a few of them.

Remember what Abraham Lincoln said, a man who has no vices has very few

She's got you there, Al.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That's a pogo, not a dildo. Oh, shit!

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

Oh, shit! Oh,

shit!

Well, I'm so glad we're able to spend some time together, Janet.

So, how is school going?

School's cool.

Do you... What else do you do, Janet?

I mean, for fun or... I've got to have some secrets. I've got to keep a little

bit of history.

Like you, Alistair.

Dark. Yeah.

I'm curious as well.

I've often thought of myself as quietly magnetic.

I would say, Janet, this is a side of your personality I wasn't expecting.

When I get high I let the walls down.

Really? Well that's fascinating.

What's wrong?

He's dead.

Oh, my God.

Just like Bachman.

I thought you said Bachman was just... Well, we sort of fibbed.

What happened?

We're not exactly sure.

Hey, Brett!

They're thrown out of their minds.

It's different again.

What do you mean?

The bong. It changed after Bachman died, and now it's changed again.

It changed after they smoked from it?

They smoked from it.

Then they died.

And then it changed.

That doesn't make any sense. It isn't logical.

No, no, no, it's not logical.

I mean, certainly not in terms of the physical world, it's not.

But I believe now we're dealing with worlds beyond the physical.

You mean spiritual.

Transcendental. Transcendental, exactly.

When Larnell purchased this bong, the ad warned the user against possible bad

side effects.

But it's obvious.

They weren't warning the user against substandard drugs.

They were warning the user against this bong.

But I smoked from it, too.

Oh my god.

What is this?

Must be the weed.

Is it their sweet? No, it's not. Oh my god.

Is that not my style?

Hey, who's high as this anyway? Yours or mine?

Oh,

that's so disgusting.

Makeup.

That's myself right there. Oh, God.

Oh, yeah.

That's what I'm talking about.

How do you... This is hot.

How do you open this thing up? They have, like, really...

Okay, Fred, we are leaving, like, right now. Let's go. Let's go.

Quit your nagging.

No, I mean it.

God,

you are a drag.

Bye -bye, bitch.

Now we can have ourselves a party, lady.

Carla? Carla Brewster?

It is you!

Well, well, hi, Brett.

Long time no see.

I think the last time I saw you, you just gave me a call.

Well, you know, I mean, I was busy doing things and shit. I mean, you know how

it gets, girl.

Damn, you really filled out nice.

What are you doing here?

What does it look like I'm doing here?

No kidding.

Oh, hot damn.

I'm between sets right now.

On my break.

But I suppose I could give you a little tease.

A little time break.

You're a goof.

Kitchy. I thought you'd like them.

I heard what you said to your buddies about me earlier.

About my technique.

Oh, Zach, you know, I'm just kidding around. You know me, babe.

Uh -huh.

Let me show you what I've learned.

What was it that you said?

Like a school of piranhas eating a baby goat?

Huh?

She's changed again.

I mean, it's changed again.

After they smoked from it.

You'll be okay.

You only took one hit.

Baby, that's all it takes.

Did you hear that on my phone?

I definitely heard it.

And my faculties are not impaired.

The more you do, the more I take.

All right.

We are certainly dealing with something abnormal here, but I think if we just

reason it out... Janet!

Stay with me, Janet.

What's going on? What are you doing to her? It's not what I've done, but what I

am about to do!

Wake up, Janet. Wake up.

Wake up.

Tommy Chong's here. Let's see how many times he says man.

I've been looking all over for you, man.

There you are.

Who are you?

Oh, I'm Jimbo.

That's my bong.

It's your bong?

I thought the ad said that the owner was deceased.

No, that's my wife, Nancy.

Wishful thinking on her part.

Oh, man.

Well, then perhaps you can explain what's going on here.

It's wrong, man.

It's evil.

Well, if it's dangerous, then why'd you put it up for sale?

I didn't put it up for sale, man. My wife.

She sold it, man. I had it in storage.

She sold all my shit, man.

Sold my Hot Wheels collection.

Man, I miss those little cars.

How do we stop it?

Stop what?

The bomb?

I don't think it can be stopped, man.

The guy that sold it to me said it had some voodoo curse on it or something,

know?

I thought he was just trying to make a sale.

But it killed all my friends, man.

And it almost got me.

Well, it got all my brain cells.

But that's okay because I wasn't using them anyway.

Well, you have to help me save Janet.

Did she take a hit?

I'm afraid so.

Then it's too late, man. She's already there.

There?

Yeah. Where's there?

There is where you go when you take a big bong hit, man.

I've been there, man.

You don't come back from there.

Well, I did, but, man, I was lucky.

If you made it out alive, then so can she.

I have to go in after her.

I don't know, man.

Sure you want to do this?

It's the honorable thing to do.

If you're going to go in, you better take these.

What are they?

I'm not sure.

I think they're vitamins.

But it's your only chance.

All right.

Now, if you'll please assist me with this thing.

Well, it's easy, man. You just suck. You don't blow.

That's all.

Suck it up. Toke it up.

Come on, toke it up.

Well, I don't particularly feel...

You did it again.

Hey, Jimbo, baby.

Long time no see.

Baby, you look fucked up.

No thanks to you.

Oh, now, come on. Go ahead. You know you want a head.

You know you do.

Come on.

I missed you, bitch. I know you did, you motherfucker.

Yeah.

Take me. Come on. Take me. No, no, no, no. Why?

I didn't, no, I didn't come here to get high. Uh -uh.

Say, well, why did you come here then?

Huh, huh, yes, sir.

Where you going?

What you... I come to take you out, bitch.

You can dispense with the social niceties I'm here for one thing only to

rescue Janet

Oh, you poor, pathetic little geek.

You have no chance.

Well, we'll just see about that.

You, you accursed narcotic paraphernalia.

Way harsh, baby.

If you wish, this can be a very pleasant thing for you, Alistair.

Yes, baby.

Let it, let it go.

You were good, right?

I shall not.

Come on.

Come on, baby.

Why the negative vibes, Val?

You've got to let yourself go. Come on, old girl. They want you, baby. They want

you. You're going to die, you evil bitch.

Ha! Dragon!

What?

Oh, you want to play rough, do you? Okay.

Come on, come on. Let's play rough. Bring out your big guns. Come on.

Take this.

I love me some power tools.

Okay,

girls, work him, work him, work him.

No.

No!

I will not succumb to your evil cheek charms.

And it's not Al.

It's Alice.

Al! Al!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Hey, that Blanche has got a nice set of teeth, huh?

I suppose.

You don't know where the exit is, do you?

I think it's that way.

You got a light?

I don't smoke.

That's some dew you got there.

Try to hear some squids.

Thanks.

Help! Help!

Help me!

Come on, girls!

What happened?

You let him get away!

We'll be right back.

You got an ass like a motherfucking jumbo jet, but you ain't taking a thing

yet. Put your clothes on, don't want to moan again, so strip it off, rip it off.

Janet! Wait your turn, brother.

I'll dance for you in a minute.

What?

I'm afraid you got the wrong idea, man.

I'm a red -blooded male through and through, and I demand that you step away

from this lady.

Say what?

Cease and desist your offensive gyrations immediately.

And I'll have to make certain that she does.

I told you

it wouldn't work, Jimbo.

Well, I guess we're going to have to take this up a notch.

Oh, shit.

What you got there?

Oh.

You sound worried.

No, no. You don't want to do that now. You don't want to make me angry.

Oh.

That's some good shit, man.

Oh, yeah, baby.

You're not the only one who could take it up a notch.

What is that, BC Bud?

Fucking A.

Mmm.

Oh, you think you're going to get me this way?

Hey, man, I built up resistance over the years, man.

It's going to take a lot more than this little weak shit to get me.

Sounds like old time, Jimbo, baby.

Oh, yeah? You call that a night, man?

Oh, no.

This ain't going to get me.

I built up... I built up resistance.

I can... I can... Jimbo.

Jimbo, baby.

Oh, no.

You're mine, baby. I can... You're mine.

You're mine.

Admit it. Admit it.

You're mine.

Oh, that's good.

Get me.

make it happen.

Uh -huh.

I didn't want to leave.

This place is so great.

That's the drug talking, Janet.

It's the bong talking.

Listen to her, Alistair.

You two could be very happy together.

No. That's the bong talking.

We're getting out of here.

And we're leaving right now.

Hey, what's the shoot, boy -o? Who are you?

Pipe down, clown.

I'm the one asking the questions here.

Do you know where we are?

Well, do you? Don't you?

I don't. You better answer me or I'm going to work on you with a car battery

a grapefruit spoon.

I don't know what the fuck I'm doing here. But if you find a way out, will

tell me?

Yeah, sure.

Okay, thanks a lot.

Janet,

please listen to me. I implore you.

You have been overcome by an evil power.

You must resist it.

Use your mind.

That intelligent brain of yours.

There you go. That's it.

There is no force in the world that can't be overcome by common sense and

logic.

You're hilarious.

And so cute. You're so cute.

Please, Janet.

That's enough, Janet.

What is it you want?

Isn't it obvious, Alistair? Use that egghead of yours. The more you talk from

me, the more powerful I become.

Soon, I will control the world. A great, big, beautiful, stone world with

possible clouds and oceans of bomb water.

And is there really anything so wrong with that? Huh?

People should have the right to get high when they want and if they want.

You're nothing but a hopped -up imperialist. Uh -oh.

A ganja -headed dictator.

Oh, no.

No. This is America.

Land of the free.

Free to get high on our own discretion. And not of the whim of some glass -flung

witch. You better back up, boy. You better mess with me. Well, if I can't,

Jimbo certainly will.

Jimbo?

Oh, man.

You think you got me, man.

I told you, I built up a resistance, man.

I'm telling you, nothing can faze me, man.

I was trying to warn you.

Janet. Oh.

Let's play a game.

Oh, I like games.

Great.

Close your eyes.

And... Open your mouth. Oh, you're a naughty boy.

What was that?

Uh, just a mint.

I'm sorry to say you had a mild case of halitosis.

Oh my god, I'm sorry. Give me another one.

These don't taste like mint.

Wait a minute, what is this?

Just a few vitamins.

A few?

Hey!

What's the big idea here? Oh, no, I didn't do that. I would never take

of a lady when her faculties have been compromised.

Okay. That's not what I heard.

Then where are we?

I'm not exactly sure, but now that the effects of the marijuana are wearing

off... I think we'll be able to get out of here finally.

Jimbo! Hey. What are you doing here?

She got me, man.

She broke out the good stuff.

BC Bud, man. I couldn't resist.

I know.

We've already taken the vitamins you gave us.

Do you have any more?

No.

It's okay. I don't need them.

Well, maybe you'll still make it. Come with us. No, no, no. You guys get out of

here. I got a little surprise for that little bitch.

Thanks, Jimbo.

For everything. Hey, my pleasure, man.

Hey, so... No, go on, Peter.

Okay, you little bitch.

I'm coming to get you.

Come on, then. Come on. I can take it. I can take it. My hand's on that.

Come on. Come on. You know you're not going to win, Jimbo, baby.

Yeah, but I ain't going to lose either.

Put this in your pipe, you evil bitch.

Oh, Janet, I'm so glad you're okay.

I believe it's finally over.

I'm finally safe.

What about them?

Look.

Dude, trippy stuff, but I was just completely under, completely wrong.

Oh, man, I'm thrashed here.

How long have you been out of it?

You were looking awfully cozy.

Yeah, then I thought you'd score.

Well, maybe sometimes dreams do come true.

Speaking of dreams, I just had the weirdest one, but I can hardly remember

now. It's like I got some of that crazy backwater sloshing around in my skull.

Dude!

I just woke up in the basement underneath a pile of trash.

When was that?

Party last night, man.

Wait, wait a minute.

Where's Jimbo?

He destroyed the bomb, but... He must have perished in the attempt.

Truly a hero's demise.

Hey, Jimbo. Hey, Jimbo.

Hey, what's up?

Whatever you want.

You're in charge now.

Really? It's all yours.

No shit.

Tell us what you want.

What do I want?

You know what I want?

I want you girls to play with my hot wheels.

One for you, one for you, one for you, one for you.

Okay, everybody's got a hot wheel? Okay, let's go.

Oh,

this one's got a big mountain to climb.

Oh, it's a tough one. Oh, he's going to make it. Is he going to make it? No,

he's coming back down.

Oh, now we're over here. Oh,

we're going down into the bushes.

You are so right, Tommy. Oh, man. Hot wheels are so hot.

Uh -oh. Uh -oh. No brakes. Whoa. Look out for the memory wall.

Well,

I don't know about you, but I just got a contact high from watching that movie.

You know, they say that smoking pot is bad for your memory.

Thank God, because this was one movie I cannot wait to forget.

Remember there was that one part where, uh...

Oh, and then there was that other part where the guy was... Well, I'm not

exactly sure what happened because I got the munchies and I forgot to put it on

pause. Oh, but my favorite part I'll never forget because basically I have no

recollection of what happened.

That's what sets this movie apart from all the others.

After it's over, you can't remember a part of it.

Oh, boy. Oh, I hope that's the delivery boy with the item I've been waiting for.

Yeah, that's it.

It's the item you've been waiting for.

Whoa.

Dude, it's my evil bong.

Oh, my gosh. Kids, don't try this at home.

Come over to my house and try it.

Whoa, man.

I forgot I was supposed to say that.

Oh, yeah, man.

Now I remember.

Unpleasant dream.

Now... Oh, lordy! Nobody told me I was going to be on Noel Virus' show. I

thought I was showing up for Oprah.

Damn, this is scale.

Nobody told me I was going to get scale. I thought I was going to get at least

10 % for my agent.

Oh, they're going to call me. They're going to dump me. I know they're going

dump me. Does this make me look fat? I look fat on that monitor. Oh, no. They

say the camera adds 10 pounds. I should totally cut off the munchies. Oh, lordy.

But I do love me some chitlins, and I do love me some black -eyed... peas. Oh,

them's good. Them's goody.

Coming soon from Full Moon Horror.

Yeah? Arnel, it's Aleister.

Give me some nuts.

Booyah. No, no, come on.

Oh! Oh!

How can you smoke that? I mean, after everything that happened? It wasn't the

weed, it was the bomb. That evil fucking bomb.

Monkey, is this what you were telling me about? I think he's got something wrong

with him. You seen Brett lately?

I don't know what it is, man.

I can't stop eating.

Exaggerated side effects of smoking pot. Dude, it's what I was trying to tell

you. My sexual urges make me pounce like a fucking cougar.

It's the bong, bro.

She's the one doing this fucking shit to us. We gotta stop.

Never trust your wiener.

Or that my brother brought you home with him the other night. Cause you and me,

we got a special bond. And that'll never break. You make me feel higher than a

kite. I'm not just flying away. I'm just green. I guess that's kind of why I'm

writing this today. Cause everything is so intense. I think I'm gonna need a

break. Now you got me.

Where you want me.

Can't you hear me?

Make this great.

Wicked Ways of Going

Girl,

I don't even know where you've been.

I spend enough cash you always end up sticky.