Original subtitles

Y 'all look out, because here comes Honey Boob Boob.

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark.

You know, not a day goes by when somebody don't ask me, Elvira, are those

And I say, of course they're real.

The only thing about me that's fake is my sincerity.

And I mean that.

Sincerely.

Hey, did you ever, like, walk into a room and go, what the heck did I come in

here for?

That's how I feel every single day when I wake up. If I wake up.

Because a whole lot of times, I don't want to wake up and find myself in some

stranger's apartment with a cat sleeping on my head.

If you forget it, you'll never regret it. That's what I always say.

So I try to keep my mind as blank as possible. Because, you know, they say

thinking causes wrinkles.

So I prefer to remain brain dead and pretty.

Oh, now let's see. What did I come in here for?

Oh, yeah, that's right.

I'm your hostess of horror, your guide to the ghoulish, and the emcee of evil.

Got a weird one for you. It's a science fiction movie called Trancers.

You know, I was a contestant on Trancing with the Stars, only I was disqualified

for sleeping with the judges, which is how I got the show in the first place.

Oh, God, I mean, who do you not have to blow to get a job in this town?

Anyway, this movie takes place 300 years in the future and way back in 1985.

which was when I was just five.

I'll be busting in every now and then to keep company, and I'll be back to talk

to you after the movie. So let's get back to the future, shall we?

Yes, we shall.

Here's Transcend.

Last January, I finally singed Martin Whistler out in one of the rim planets.

Since then, I've been hunting down the last of his murdering cult.

We call them trancers, slaves to Whistler's psychic power.

Not really alive and not dead enough.

It's July now, and I'm tired.

Real tired.

Give me a kelp steak medium.

You deep -fry your pots?

Sure do, honey.

Here, give me a side of pods and a large Coke.

No ice.

And what will you have, mister?

Coffee.

The real stuff?

That's going to cost you. I deserve it.

Find me some milk. I don't want any of that soy crap.

Coming in.

Evening, citizen.

Jack, Death Angel City PD. May I see your stats?

What did I do? Under Section 7 of the Penal Code, the counsel authorized me to

administer you a transfer suspect examination.

You can't give me a TSE without a warrant.

I got your warrant right here, pal. Okay, okay, okay.

I don't want any trouble.

Hold out your left arm.

I got nothing to hide.

Negative.

Look out!

Hey, you stupid old lady!

It's a transfer gun!

Tonight's special is blackened black people.

This restaurant got an F - in food rating.

Where's Gordon Ramsay when you need him?

Not in the mood, McNulty. And I'm not in the mood for troopers who dodge their

assignments. Subtle pad duties for squids. I ain't got the time. Transfer

hunting's out of bounds, and you know it!

The department's had a bellyful of your one -man crusade, Jack.

Whistler may be dead, but someone's got to mop up the strays. And I sent one

just now.

Scorch is inside.

Jack?

Jack?

It's straight from the captain.

You'll take your assignments, or you'll take a hike.

It was a good cop.

Figured I'd find you out here.

You see the guardsman on your feet, trooper.

Ex -trooper.

I stand for no one, MacDonald.

What's this?

A summons from the council.

You can't ignore the summons. It's the highest honor there is.

You know, Lieutenant, I think I found the old Chinese theater out there. I'm

going to go back in the water before the storm blows. Damn it, Jack.

The council needs you.

Fuck them.

It's not clear to go any further.

Leave yourself in there. Don't get peppy with me, McNulty.

You forget something, smart guy?

Trooper Death, welcome.

I'm Margaret Ash.

The gentleman beside me is Chairman Spencer.

Trooper?

I thought there were three of you.

Van Zandt was murdered four days ago by Martin Whistler.

And it's true.

Whistler's alive.

Very much so.

And he intends to kill both of us. How could he get to you?

This place is a fortress.

It might as well be made of paper.

I don't follow.

Where's Whistler now?

In Los Angeles.

No problem. We get the submarine fleet and blow him out of the water.

Whistler is not in the sunken ruins.

He's fled to the thriving metropolis as it existed nearly 300 years ago.

How could you be sure Whistler's gone down the line?

Help me, Obi -Wan. You're my only hope.

As you may have gathered, I have survived the pathetic trap set

by Trooper Death on Mekon 7.

For 12 long years, you have hunted my disciples like dogs.

Now, my day of vengeance is at hand.

I've synthesized your time drug.

and in a moment shall retreat down the dark corridors of history.

Know that it is I who am solely responsible for your demise.

One by one, your ancestors shall be murdered, and you, their progeny, shall

cease to exist.

Then shall I return, join my legion, and claim the seat of power for my own.

I was with Van Zandt when it happened.

The man simply vaporized, as did his poor children and grandchildren.

How do you know Whistler's location?

We monitored a line disruption in Los Angeles, December 1985.

Van Zandt, Ash, and I all had ancestors in the city then.

As did Whistler, and yourself, of course.

Me?

Yes.

Philip Death, a journalist.

He'll be transferred to his body, allowing you to search for Whistler.

were millions of people in L .A. We've traced Whistler's ancestral line.

He's using the body of a man named Weisling.

There is a minor complication.

Weisling is a police detective.

You call that minor?

Trooper Depp, this is Engineer Raines. Engineer, huh?

When did you get promoted, Ruthie?

Ages ago.

Raines will administer the transfer, sir.

You'll be in charge of my bones when I'm gone?

Don't worry, Jack.

I don't hold a grudge.

We'll preserve your body on a suspension table like this one.

Whistler.

It's just a shell, really.

His consciousness is in 1985.

Right. But how'd you get hold of the body?

Our security officers found it hidden in the desert.

We're keeping it for the trial.

Trial? You don't want Whistler singed? No, no. You have to capture Whistler and

inject him with the serum antidote.

His mind will return to Angel City, and he'll stand before the High Court. If

you think I'm bringing that scum up the line, you got the wrong trooper. Unless

you stop Whistler, everything the Council has accomplished for the last 40

will count for nothing.

We'll be plunged into the same chaos which followed the Great Quake.

We are our only hope. And it's on my terms.

My God!

What have you done?

You haven't changed a bit.

Don't worry. Justice will be served. You were wrong to insist on a troop. We

have no choice.

Such conspicuous displays of firearms will not be tolerated.

Raines?

This is a .38 police special.

A traditional firearm of the era.

Yeah, I got one of these in my collection. My mind's all rusted out.

Careful. That grip has been modified.

Two injectors of antidote.

One for you, one for Whistler.

I got an old watch.

Not like this one.

If you depress this knob, you'll gain a long second.

What?

One second stretched to ten for the person holding the device.

Now, while you will have complete freedom of movement, the rest of the

will appear to have stopped.

We'll use that on our last date. Let's give it a try.

No. It has a single -use generator.

When the long second runs down, the watch will dissolve, so don't waste it.

Engineer, prepare the injection.

This is my ancestor.

His name and location are written on the back.

Protect him, please.

How about your ancestor?

Half Ashby, 1963.

Angels, what the hell is this?

I'm afraid that's the best I can do.

All I know is he was in Los Angeles in 1985.

That's swell.

You'll just feel a little pressure.

It's 8 .30. I'm going to be late for work.

We're going to have to hurry, don't you think?

Yeah, right.

You're a real slob, Phil.

What?

I said the closet's really filled.

Did you mean what you said last night?

Yeah, sure.

What did I say last night?

Phil, come on. You said that making love to me was like the ethereal union of

two lost souls?

I bet it was.

What?

I mean lost souls, yeah.

Wait till Christmas is over so I can dump this stupid outfit.

This guy's a real shark.

You better hurry, don't you think?

Hey, wait a minute.

Do you know where...

Cahoonja Boulevard is.

A what?

C -A -H -U -N... Cahuanga.

Ten minutes from here.

Come on, quit screwing around. You promised you'd get me to work on time.

Yeah.

Hey, just let me get a coat.

You're wearing that?

Yeah.

I like it.

Bill,

if I'm late for work, I'm gonna lose my job.

What are you doing?

Dry hair's for squids.

Let's get out of here.

You seemed like kind of an okay guy last night.

Hey, they're driving the Macabre before I had it customized.

I love this car.

I guess so.

Thank you. Hey, wait a minute.

I'm going to see you tonight.

What? Look, I've got to get to work, okay?

What did I do wrong?

I don't know. Maybe you're schizo or something.

What does that mean?

Last night you said you grew up in L .A. Today you couldn't find Cahuenga

Boulevard. You put that shit in your hair. You can't even remember my name.

Lena, come here. The kids are waiting.

Your name is Lena.

Did I give you my phone number?

No. Thank God.

Where have you been all these days? I want pictures.

Santa will see you.

Hi, can I sit you up a little bit higher? How come you got blue hair?

Because it's so cold on the North Pole.

And what would you like Santa to

bring you for Christmas this year?

Mr. Potato Head. Hungry, hungry hippos.

John Doe the Mandroid.

Lita, I need to talk to you.

Not now, okay?

Listen, I'm not crazy.

I need your help.

A transformer that is septagon.

And... John Doe the Mandroid.

And a new slot car because my stupid sister busted my old one.

Hey, Santa, are you listening?

What's wrong with Murray?

He's a transfer.

A what?

Look out! Santa's got a candy cane!

Oh my God, what are you doing, one of your friends?

Uh,

security, we got trouble at North Pole.

Okay, copycat.

I said, hold it!

I know,

they shot Santa Claus.

And they made Rudolph into... Reindeer jerky!

Welcome to the 20th century Jack Death.

No way!

Hey!

Don't piss me off.

Medics, get this thing out of here now.

Ma 'am, if you feel up to it, I need to ask you some questions.

I'm Detective Weisling.

And somewhere in all this city are the two ancestors I've got to protect.

Okay, let's say I believe this shit.

You're a cop from the future and you're chasing this guy Piper. Whistler.

Why doesn't he just turn you into one of these zombies, or me?

You're too tough.

Tough? Trancing only works on squids, people with weak minds, easily

Lita, I won't get anywhere without a guide.

Are you crazy? You killed Murray.

Has Murray ever turned yellow and gone after someone like he went for me, huh?

No, of course not.

I don't have the time.

Please get me to Coinga Boulevard.

How about if I get you a map?

A map isn't good enough.

I'm from another time, another world.

I don't even know what you people eat for lunch.

Okay, where on Cahuenga?

So you'll help me?

Yes. That's swell.

But I don't want to see that gun of yours in my face again.

Yeah, sure, anything you say.

That address was 14 -something.

Where the hell is that photo?

Excuse me, Lieutenant.

I found this line over there.

It's got an address in the back.

Is it?

Yeah.

Chris Lavery.

Look, you're not my prisoner. You don't have to stick around, but I'd appreciate

you waiting for me.

Relax, Phil.

Jack, Phil stepped out.

You Chris Lavery?

Yeah, in person.

Nice tan.

It's very Christmassy.

Yeah, well, thanks.

So what'll it be, the tube tan in 10 or the tropic tan in 20?

Huh?

You look a little pale.

You better go for the 20.

Save the hard sell, pal. I'm a cop.

Hey, look.

If this is about the guy last week... Hey, he's screwed with the thermal.

Anyway, it was just first -degree burns. That's not why I'm here. I gotta be

blunt. Someone's gonna try and kill you.

Oh, come on.

And he'll succeed if you don't fall under my protection.

You're serious?

Yeah.

Come on, we'll talk in my office.

Today's special is Black and White Guy.

Jack? How's my tan? Are you okay?

I guess.

There was this dead muscle guy up there. Chris Lavery. He was trans. This red

light came and he disappeared.

Whistler knows we're here.

I gotta get the hell out of here.

You've got the Santa Claus killer and his accomplice, Whistler.

Now, another?

Farewell, Jack Death.

I fear...

Weren't we dead?

How did he do that?

How did?

I don't think anyone's after us. Yeah, well, they will be.

Can I ask you a question?

Yeah, sure.

When you used that time freezer thing, why didn't you get Whistler right then?

I only had a few seconds. If I'd have singed him, I couldn't have saved you.

Oh.

What is it?

Well, when you went into that tanning place, I took off.

I was scared. The story was so weird.

I wouldn't have believed me.

But all that stuff you said about Murray made sense, so I came back.

You ever hear of this guy?

63 Angels?

No, I wasn't even born then.

Yeah, well, we gotta find him before Whistler does.

Lena, we need a place to hole up.

Oh, I know. A friend of mine went out of town for Christmas.

No one will look for us at her place.

Which way?

Head east.

Chinatown.

No, ma 'am.

Hey,

what are you watching?

Some cop show.

Now, it ain't bad, but what the hell kind of name is Peter Dunn?

What kind of name is Jack Death?

Okay, I got fried rice, egg rolls, and beef chow mein.

Beef?

You mean like from a cow?

Yeah.

And I got the radio you wanted. And it's got that police band and all that other

junk. And it's got an earphone, so I don't have to listen to it.

I charge dinner.

I hope that's okay.

Yeah, Phil won't mind. We'll call it my inheritance.

What are these?

Oh, they're fortune cookies.

There's a little message inside.

I'll read yours.

My fifth, you'll be going to a pop club.

Oh, my God, it's from Whistler.

Read it.

I'll kill you and your bitchin' girlfriend.

Damn it.

How did he find out?

My bitchin' girlfriend?

I'm sorry.

So I guess you think that's pretty funny, right?

What the hell is that?

Oh, it's music from the club downstairs.

When does that cease?

About two or three in the morning.

Let's go down there and have some fun. No, I don't think so. Come on. You said

you wanted to get to know L .A. I have to monitor the police van, keep tabs on

Whistler, okay?

Take it with you.

Andy's got some seriously ugly clothes in here.

Lena, you better lose the blue streak. You're too easy to identify.

Forget it.

I gave up the T -Bird.

Okay, Mr. Detector.

You still got some of my tapes, man. I'll drop them off for your moms.

Beat it, Hiawatha. This is my dance.

Who's the old fuck?

Look at that.

He's even got a hearing aid.

Now, why don't you buy me a drink?

Come on, pal. I'm going to sweep the floor with your head.

After midnight, December 25th.

I didn't know it's July in Angel City.

Open it.

Ta -da. Do you like it?

Yeah.

What's that?

What is this?

Future Man.

Just like you.

Thank you. That's real nice. I don't know what to say.

Don't say anything.

Jack?

Where's Phil?

His brain's on hold.

Why?

Because I like you a lot better.

What is this?

It's me, McNulty.

McNulty?

And none of your lip.

This kid's the only ancestor I could find.

It's been hell.

I had to sneak past the parents and everything.

Say, who's the skirt?

Nice.

Torn it down, will you, McNulty?

Listen, Jack.

You gotta come back to Angel City.

Spencer disappeared like a floater trail, and Ash has gone to pieces.

She wants to talk to you.

Tell her I'm doing my job, okay?

I got my orders, Jack.

Listen to me, McNulty. I'm real busy right now. Hit the bricks. Move it.

Run along before I give you a spanking. Do you understand?

Put me down!

Your boss?

She thinks he is.

Remember, he's from the future, so Helen's like making out with a 300 -year

guy. Ew!

Damn it, McNulty. Couldn't you have given me an hour?

Maybe. If you hadn't given me the bum's rush.

You shouldn't pick on little kids.

Listen, if you don't like my style, I'd dump this case right now.

Why do you think I brought you back?

I'm slagging your badge.

Whose authority?

Mine, Trooper Death.

There are two empty chairs up the council chamber.

There shall not be three.

I've ordered your replacement.

Yeah, who?

One of the Green Squad, Lars Kwan.

Kwan? He works the hothouses. He never sends the transfer in his life.

Whistler's goons are massing near Angel City, waiting for the Council of the

Fall. And you didn't protect Spencer's ancestor.

You had your shot.

Don't pull me out now. I'm close to finding Ashby.

The only thing you were close to was that cotton candy.

That cotton candy is my lead, pal. She's gonna take me right to Ashby. Is it

true? But I lie.

Very well. It's a mistake.

Kwan is the better man.

I've made my decision.

Now it's up to fate.

Good luck, Trooper Death.

Say, Ruthie, that long second gag really worked out. How about a refill?

We'll send one down the line.

Hold it If I see you in LA again, I don't care if you're a kid an old lady

kitty cat I'm gonna kick your ass Get him out of here.

I Hope she's worth it Jack

Too much.

Too much what?

Hey,

wait a minute.

Lena.

I should get some sleep, don't you think?

Well, Phil, I hope you enjoyed yourself again.

Come on, Peter Gunn.

You too can proudly display the art treasures of the world in your own home.

Imagine, your private gallery of fine reproductions. Blue Boy, Mona Lisa, Last

Supper, and everyone's favorite, Whistler's mother.

I didn't know he had a mother.

With me is Lieutenant White Flame, who heads the new Fibro Task Force.

Lieutenant, what's going to happen to these men?

Well, Kim, they'll be taken downtown, issued special ID cards.

With the crime rate downtown, this program will enable us to keep track of

homeless and protect the innocent.

As you know, I have the complete backing of the mayor and the city council.

And I know that by the time I'm through, this city will be safe for everyone.

Get dressed.

No.

We're going to Skid Row.

And this hobo roundup means one thing. Whistler knows Ashby's on Skid Row.

What is this?

Reload.

That is so cool. How do they do that?

How far is Skid Row from here?

Um, a couple of miles.

We'll have to get a transit.

A what?

I think you people call them taxis.

We're out of money.

Can we walk?

Can you pretend you're not a cop just for a minute?

When did you learn how to do this?

I used to hang with some bikers when I was 15.

Trying to find no wonder... These guys have had too much Christmas spirit.

I can't talk to any more of these guys. They're too out of it. It's useless.

Listen, Lena, that's what a cop is all about. Whether it's here or 300 years

down the line. Come on.

Evening, citizens.

What ho, knave!

Who brought this glorious angel that we three kings may gaze upon?

This is the Christmas angel.

Jack, what... Work with me.

The angel has a mission.

I seek knowledge.

Well, we're not called three wise men for nothing.

Do you know this guy?

That's highball.

Yeah, do you know where we could find him?

It depends.

On what?

Did the angel bring any little gifties for three weary travelers?

I don't have any gold, but I have some frankincense and some myrrh.

Check the old paper mill on Alameda Street.

Can you find that? Yeah, I think so.

Thank you, Your Majesty.

Thank you.

Park.

The herald angels sing.

Little moors are just a thing.

Peace on earth and mercy.

Two for you and three for me.

Wait.

Whistler knows about the paper mill. They're going to sweep through the

We've got to find Ashton first.

Ditch the bikes. I go in by foot.

Alone? Yeah, I don't want you getting hurt. I'm not afraid.

Well, I am.

That's it up ahead.

Now you better stay put, Angel.

This room's clean.

Let's check the next one.

or something like that.

Wash them lights, trooper.

Hey, I got to get some sleep. It's fucking Christmas.

Your name Ashby?

I don't know.

You got some ID, buddy?

Yeah, somewhere.

Oh, God, I'm going to puke.

It's not him. Let's go.

Wait a minute. Call us troopers.

The lieutenant said that Jack Death was a trooper.

Empty. Damn!

Radio wisely. We need to back up.

Get your ass up against that wall nice and easy.

Open the coat.

Open it!

Toss the piece out as far as you can.

Good.

Do the same thing with that fancy wristwatch. You ain't gonna pull that

again.

Lieutenant has told us all about your death.

Are you trying to twist the world and make the future come out the way you

it to? You got it all wrong, pal.

I'm a cop just like you.

No, you're lying.

You and your men have been transed by Whistler. You're slaves to Whistler.

Look at your skin.

Fight it.

Concentrate. No!

The lieutenant is the finest man in the force.

I pledge my life to her.

My orders are, shoot.

you i had to do it yeah you did oh god don't take it so hard he

was dead the moment he gave himself to whistler cheer

up

you just send your first transfer great

Okay, well...

I lost that long second watch back there.

You mean this?

Would you kiss me?

I don't have time for this.

Well, make the time.

I'm looking for a guy named Highball.

You're half Ashby.

I haven't seen one of these in a long time.

Who are you?

There's men upstairs that want to kill you, Ashby.

Me?

What the hell for?

Police! Nobody move!

I want Hap Ashby.

I'm tired of dealing with worthless vermin. Now step forward, Ashby, or I'll

kill the lot of you!

Motherfucker!

arrive at the lake.

Over here, ass -beak!

We don't stand a chance.

Divide and conquer. That's what we should do.

Meet us in Chinatown. You don't know your way.

Yeah, I do. We have to swim through here.

You what?

This is the exciting part, because the music tells me how to feel.

Could you just get the door for me, please? Sure.

Merry Christmas.

What are we doing in Chinatown?

You'll be safe. You come upstairs with me, Ashby.

What's the problem, man?

We got people shooting at you and shit.

Where'd you get my baseball card?

Be quiet.

I don't even know your name, man. My name is Death. Jack Death.

Death's upstairs, y 'all. Get right on out.

Ashby, you listen to me. You gotta trust me.

You gotta trust me. That's my name.

Your name is Jack Death?

Such a dumb name.

What the fuck?

Lena. Hi.

You okay?

Yeah.

Look, I know this hurts. It's just a... It's just a nick.

These things usually heal pretty fast.

What? What's the matter?

I had a wife in Angel City. She...

She volunteered for a transfer bid.

I figured, okay, what could go wrong? It's my hunt.

I lost her.

I don't want that to happen again.

You love me.

That's not what I just said.

Hey, Coach!

You got any mustard out here?

You got any mustard, coach?

Why don't you make yourself at home, slugger?

Thanks, coach.

What the hell is that?

That's the only thing I got left over from pro ball.

Jared, do you smell something?

Say, you half, how about a nice hot shower?

Nah, I don't think so.

Come on, I'll give you a hand.

I've got my right. Yeah, so do we, pal.

Hey, what the hell?

All right, we'll have this, too.

All right.

Listen.

Cut.

Looked on that watch, could have got us killed, Hophead. We're in the heat.

If you want to stay alive, you're going to have to play ball with me.

You listening to me?

It's just a bomb, man.

You are now, Hap.

But I'm your fortune teller.

You're going to try out, get a job, meet a girl and have a kid.

His descendant's going to be one of the greatest leaders in the 23rd century.

You need to be hosed down.

What about a sponge bath with Blondie?

Huh?

Here.

I don't think he understood what he did.

Period.

Operator, give me the police.

Parker Center.

I'll get you some towels.

Who are you calling?

Senator Weisling, please.

Tell him it's death.

He'll know.

Quiet.

Whistler, I want to make a deal.

I'm tired of chasing you. I'm tired of this whole business. I want out.

You can have Angel City and everything else down the line.

All I want is the girl. Jack, don't do this. Shut up.

Just give me my life with her and you can have half Ashby.

Don't. Jack, please. Come on. Yeah.

Chinatown.

You'll see me.

Don't touch me!

You let that poor man be murdered?

Relax. You played it just right.

Was it a trick?

Yeah, sure.

I'm a cop.

I'm doing my job.

Call to him.

Now.

Jack!

Perfect.

Merry Christmas.

That's six shots, Whistler. The gun is empty. No, five!

The girl is too strong. She won't trance, Whistler. No!

I'm the one you want, not her.

You're the one I shall have.

Oh, yes, didn't you know?

Death then marries the girl, or would have had she lived.

And now, Jack Death, prepare to witness your own demise.

I know you to fish through, but I made other plans.

You got no flesh in Angel City, I sense it.

You're going up the line with no stops.

Broken.

Damn it! What?

I had two vials of antidote, one for Whistler and one for me.

We lose again, Jack.

Only one of us can return now.

I'll see you in hell.

You wouldn't murder an innocent man.

Weiseling has six children.

Okay, you're going to feel a little pinched, Beth.

Help Lieutenant Weisling.

You can't get home now.

What are you going to do?

That's okay.

I kind of like it here.

That movie was just entrancing. Why, I could have tranced all night.

God, hard to believe Helen Hunt went on to win the Academy Award.

Gee, I wonder what I would say if I won the Oscar.

OMG!

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much!

That was too much.

Ah, Helen, don't be such a sore loser.

Thank you so much.

I'm speechless.

So, let me get a refill.

Well, first of all, I'd like to dedicate this award to all of the children I've

adopted.

Luquisha, Davisha, Kukuru, and KFC.

You're worth so much more than 99 cents a month.

And to all the homeless people, thank you for keeping our sidewalks warm at

night.

I'd also like to thank the disabled for making me look so able -bodied.

And to all our returning vets, thank you so much for taking care of my pet.

Hey, wait, I'm not finished being humble.

And finally, I'd like to thank God for not making me a loser like the other

nominees. Oh, the only thing else I can say is I love you all and

unpleasant dream.