Original subtitles

Welcome to Cooking with Evil with your host, Elvira. And now, here I am, the

eggs in your Benedict.

Me, Elvira, Mrs.

of the Dark.

Thank you, thank you, and welcome back to another episode of DWE.

I am going to start the show by saying that everyone in our studio audience

be getting a case of E. coli bacteria!

Just reach right under your seat and put your hand on the armrest. You are so

welcome. You know, it's almost the holiday season.

Which holiday and what season? I don't know, but there's always a holiday

up.

Oops,

excuse me.

That was the last holiday coming up.

But this special holiday treat of terror is bound to make you woof your cookies.

It's called Ginger Dead Man.

Now, there's an old joke that gingers have no soul.

This one does, and it's the soul of a serial killer.

Now, the casting of this movie was very difficult. They looked through every

celebrity mugshot in Hollywood to find an actor who was the embodiment of a

jerk. Some of the actors considered for the role of Ginger Dead Man were Mel

Gibson, Robert Downey Jr., Charlie Sheen, Mickey Rourke, Nick Nolte,

and Justin Bieber. But he just didn't have the chops.

They needed an actor who could really sink his teeth into the part of the

dead man.

Someone like, hmm, I don't know, Gary Busey?

And the only thing bigger than Gary Busey's ego is his teeth. He could chew

trees and build a dam with that set of choppers.

Anyway, if you'd like to cook along with us at home, the recipe for this ginger

dead man is the ashes of a serial killer.

A few drops of blood.

gingerbread seasoning left at the back door by a serial killer's mom, and a cup

of shortening so the movie doesn't run too long.

I believe this half -baked recipe was written by Betty Crocker before she went

to Betty Ford.

So everybody get a big glass of milk because you're going to need it to wash

down this turkey.

I mean cookie.

It's The Ginger Dead Man.

This ain't right.

We've got to find back.

It'll be okay. You bastard, I'm gonna fucking kill you.

There's somebody in here.

I smell something in the air.

Smells feminine.

Yeah, and it's you, you douche.

Hey, I'm unarmed, okay?

Hold on.

That's my dad.

What do you want with us?

We don't have anything.

Okay, just take your stuff and get out of here.

Shut up.

Put your gun down, please. Shut up.

Say it again and mean it.

Put your gun down, please.

You're ordering me?

Put your gun down, please.

You sound like a sissy boy.

Put your gun down, please.

Now you're sounding like my high school principal.

Put your gun down, please.

I'm sorry, that's your dad, but welcome to Earth, pal.

What do you think? Gun's right in front of you.

What are you kids going to learn?

Kitty? Oh, kitty.

Oh, kitty.

Kitty,

kitty.

Let me see you.

You don't have to be afraid.

The next time you go out to a place, I want you to look for something safe.

And I'm required to do what my mother always taught me.

And that's to finish what I started.

And I'm not going to kill you.

But I have to honor my mother.

Mother.

Oh shit.

Not bad.

During my life.

Happy birthday, big brother.

I almost forgot.

I guess we won't be driving to Dallas to celebrate the big 2 -1 after all, huh?

Well, wherever you are up there, I hope they have strippers and

Lone Star.

I'm with you, guy.

I'll get you for this.

Even from beyond the grave, because my mom was rich in Coonsboro. You are

finished.

Just throw in any old thing you find on your doorstep. Why not throw in a

newspaper?

I'm not scared.

I'm a great person.

Fear not, little lady.

The missing supplies finally reared their ugly heads.

Thanks, Brick.

Something else I just left at the back porch, too.

Cool. Must be that gingerbread seasoning.

But, more importantly, I've got two tickets for tonight's Wrestlepalooza.

The evening will let amateurs compete tonight.

A mosh pit of tag team damage and body slamage.

Let's give you my shot at the big time. And in this corner, straight from Hell's

Kitchen, the Butcher Baker.

Sounds like fun.

Give me some of that seasoning, will you?

I'll test it when I put it in the muffin.

Sure. You okay, Sarah?

Yeah. Sorry.

Today would have been Jeremy's birthday.

He wanted to spend it at the titty bar.

Can you blame him?

You know, I still keep expecting him to show up for work every day.

Your dad putting on his apron, pounding the dough, and Jeremy. Jeremy coming in

late could be overslept.

Telling Dad's a dirty joke to keep him from getting yelled at.

Oh, heck.

Oh, don't move, Bray.

Do you want me to take you to the doctor?

The Butcher Baker needs no doctor.

He can always take the heat.

Come on, Bray.

Go.

I'm okay, really.

I can take you to get stitches if you need it.

Daniel!

What is it, Julia?

They said that Pendle -Meyer was executed two days ago!

Is that all you wanted?

The way yours happened, I thought it was an emergency.

This is great news!

After two years, that loco pendejo is finally good.

Another soul for el diablo. Are you going to finish that birthday cake?

I have to be ready by morning.

Yeah, sure, sure. It also says here that after they fried him in the chair, they

cremated him and sent his ashes to his mother in Coonsboro.

How sick is that?

Greeting, masked mercenary.

We meet at last.

Prepare to meet your maker, for tonight your ass is toast.

Your ass.

Your ass is toast.

The birthday cake?

Oh, sure thing, boss.

Sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to be short with you.

I need all the help, you know.

Especially with Mom.

I know.

I'm a bad.

I'll do better.

These bastards think they're going to get the better of me, do they?

See about that.

That ought to teach you.

What are you doing?

Oh. Well, them bastards think they can just come in here and take over, Sarah.

We're not going to let them.

I think maybe you've had enough of all the intensity.

Well, now you're looking to get fired, girl.

Why don't you go home and get some rest?

No, Sarah, listen to me.

Them sons of bitches think they can just move in here and take over.

They want to run us out of business.

And they can do it, too.

Because what chance have we got up against some big old statewide chain?

I mean, just look at us. No one's going to want you out.

Okay?

Listen to me, Mom.

You and Dad built this place from the ground on up, and there's no way I'm

to let anyone take that away from you.

Promise?

Promise.

Come on, now.

Julie will give you a ride home.

Okie dokie. Come on, Mrs. Lee.

Let's go.

All right, well, I'm just going to take a little nap, and then I'll come back

over and help you.

Okay?

God bless you.

I didn't... You listen here, girl.

I thought we were going to handle this like adults, like business people.

There is no call for wanton destructiveness and vandalism.

You're right. I'm sorry.

Pay for the banner.

You're damn straight.

Is there anything else you want of Jimmy? If not, I gotta get back to work.

Well, now that's what I like about you.

Right down to brass tacks.

Just like your mama.

Except without all the drinking, of course.

Here's the deal.

A year from now, my place, it's going to be up and running.

Finest eatery in four counties.

Now, I can't have my customers looking across the street at this run -down pie

shop.

Let's take care of this.

Quick and clean.

No lawyers, no middlemen, no bullshit.

You and your mama, you take that money, you have a nice life.

So you can tear down our place?

Well, that's progress, honey. Out with the old, in with the new.

$50 ,000 goes a long way at Walmart, Sarah.

You remember my daughter, Lorna, don't you?

Yeah, she's hard to forget.

Did I tell you she was just named Miss Pretty Face of Waco?

It's only the tenth time you've reminded me.

You know, with my help, Lorna's going to make something of herself, be a big

star. I can help finance her modeling career because I worked hard my whole

life, busting my hump, So that I could provide for her.

What do you think about my offer, you hear?

$50 ,000.

That'll make it so you and your drunk mama don't have to bust your humps.

Why don't you hold your breath?

You overheard?

I hate that guy.

You do.

That came on you right.

Whoa.

Hold up. You're not telling me you're going to let that loser bully you into

selling.

He's a jerk.

But he makes sense.

Ever since Dad and Jeremy died, everything's gone out.

I mean, look at this place.

So we'll fix it.

We'll paint it.

It'll be good as new.

I'll just build on anything.

Felder down.

Mom's drinking. It'll get better.

I don't even know where to turn again.

Every morning, when I wake up, I turn up packing

what little I have and just... Just being somewhere, you know?

Just going and starting over.

You just had a couple bad years, is all.

You get knocked to the mat, you have to get back up again.

Polly, I've been so scared.

Polly, I grabbed this.

Everything will be okay.

Yeah, I took that bread out of the oven.

Got that gingerbread dough mixing.

You're my hero.

Does that mean I have a date for Wrestlepalooza?

I knew that.

Why don't you take off early?

The cookies, they think... Open it.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Then you just tell me to get up off the mat.

Right you are, boss.

See you bright and early.

Julia? What are you doing in here?

Should have figured you'd still be here on a Friday night.

Oh, you little bitch!

You're not going anywhere. How dare you bring that rat in here?

That $50 ,000 is too much for you.

Told Daddy he'd never take it anyway.

So you thought you'd get me shut down by the health department instead?

Careful, she's got a bun in the oven.

Am I in on what?

Lorna, I've been waiting in that car forever for you.

You said you was just going to leave a note.

A note?

Yeah, right.

How many notes eat cheese and live in a sewer?

Come on, Ava.

Let's get out of here.

Whoa, whoa, wait a minute.

What the hell went on in here?

Shit!

Yet another reason to board up this dump.

Lorna, don't you think you made your point?

I'm serious. Don't open it. You've been using him to tweak your hair.

Jay, what the hell you been baking?

Well,

whatever it is, I think you overcooked it.

On the contrary.

I baked up just fine.

What the hell is that?

Well, it sure ain't the Pillsbury fucking Dope Boy.

Nothing, boy.

Something about it.

All right.

Come on.

What in the hell was that thing?

I don't know.

Well, it looked like a gingerbread man.

That's what I was baking.

What are you getting at?

Well, that's what was supposed to be in that burnt pan I pulled out of the oven.

A big gingerbread man.

Wait, wait.

Are you telling me that that thing is a cookie you were baking?

That's crazy.

Crazy.

Okay, do you have a magic oven?

This shit ain't funny, Amen.

All right, look, I'll admit.

Okay, when this shit first happened, I was a little spooked for like a second.

But it's a gag.

It's got to be. I'll bet you anything, anything that it's that geek who works

for you who's all into the wrestling.

Who, Prick?

Yeah, him. It's a big joke.

Big funny ha -ha.

You guys saw that thing, right?

It had to be fake.

Oh, but it was walking and it was talking out there. It was alive.

Okay, this ain't no gag.

It's black magic.

Oh, my God.

No, really.

Look, it's like a couple years ago when me and some of my friends took out this

Ouija board.

and we started putting our fingers on it, on this pointy plastic thingy, and

was moving around, and it was spelling out things for us.

It was this message from this dead girl named Rosalind, and she told us that

some psycho had killed her and cut her up into pieces and then wrapped it in

tinfoil and then mailed it off all across the country to her relatives.

It spelled all that out for you?

On it.

That's longer than any book you ever read in your entire life.

Look, I am serious.

A couple weeks after that, I saw on the news how the cops arrested some guy for

cutting up girls' body parts and mailing them off.

Talk about going postal.

Look, this black magic shit is for real.

That thing out there is bad news, and I don't want to have any part of it. Wait

a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Why do you guys want to leave so bad?

Maybe she's right, Emma.

It was takeoff.

Damn right I'm right.

Nothing.

Whatever it is.

Boys, I got a real bad feeling.

If it's somebody playing a prank, which I think it is,

I'll clobber them.

If that thing is real, I say we grab that motherfucker and we take it in to

Leno, Letterman.

How much dough can you make from a talking cookie?

Huh. Dough. Cookie.

Get it?

Oh.

All right, look, whatever it is, don't worry about it.

Take care.

Go.

Let's find out.

Uh, guys?

Little kid took off.

Good fucking riddance. I'm calling the police. Now, hold on.

Guess what?

Dead. Unbelievable.

Daddy,

look, you have got to come and get me. I'm at Betty's Bakery, and we got

homicidal baked goods after us.

You heard me.

Daddy?

Daddy!

God damn it!

I just forgot to charge it.

You dumb shit.

Why didn't you call the cops instead of your daddy? Shut your pie hole.

What the hell's happening here?

This ain't right.

I know it's investors.

I'm going to get my gun.

Hello?

You sure about that?

Hey, it's a talking turd with a bow tie.

Oh, yeah.

Wow, he looks like Gumby on crack.

I don't want to say this movie is crummy, but...

Maybe it was your little friend.

What do you mean by that?

You know what I mean.

Lorna, shut up.

Is Adam with the enemy, Amos?

She ain't the enemy.

Really?

Well, maybe you didn't hear what happened back there, but that little

recognized her from somewhere.

Am I right?

Look, I'm going to go to the car, and I'm going to get your phone. That is,

can charge it.

That thing may be out there somewhere.

Fuck him.

He can't help being rude. He was big breath.

Maybe you really should stop drinking, you lush.

What are you?

Not what, honey. Who?

Don't you recognize my pretty voice?

Miller, Sharon.

This man.

A gingerbread man.

Mrs. Lee.

A gingerbread man?

Look, I'll get you home, okay? We gotta go.

Come on. Let's go.

Come on. Julia. Julia. He's got a knife.

Right.

That's gonna leave a mark.

So, how long you and Amos been together?

Me and Amos?

Go real, girl.

It's nothing but a little bit of stupid fun is all.

You act like it was more than that.

Because he was flirting with you.

See, when he's with me, I don't want him making googly eyes at nobody but me.

Even though he's not with me.

What about what he wants?

Oh, honey.

You got a lot to learn.

Guess what, Miss Partyface?

Shit.

Shit.

Who said that?

Maybe it's the storm. We've got power problems when the weather gets up.

Or maybe it's that fucking Keebler elf.

You got a generator?

I'm back.

Oh, yeah, that'd be real smart. Why don't we just take off?

Can you get us outside?

No, no.

Let's get the lights on.

I want to see this fucker when I blast him to crumbs.

Lana Dean, what the hell are you bringing me out here for?

Oh, now that makes sense.

That tattooed punk got you up to no good again, I'll bet.

So what?

The generator's right through here? Yeah.

I wish he'd put that guy away.

But we might need it.

I don't know.

If you could just... after Dad and Jeremy are... I think I...

Is that better?

Yeah.

Thanks. It just makes me nervous looking at those things.

Stupid, I know. No, no, no. It's not stupid. I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking.

No, don't worry. It's my problem, not yours.

You know, I'm not very good at those kind of things.

Reading people's emotions.

Hell, why do you think I'm with Lorna?

Girl's got, like, no emotion.

She's about as cold as a Mud Creek catfish.

Now, I think she goes out with me because she thinks it improves her

know?

Makes her look tough.

Miss Purdyface Awako bossing around the town delinquent.

I never thought of you as a delinquent.

Get out of here.

Well, I mean, I probably spend more time in county lockup than you spend baking

pies. Don't try to make yourself seem like a bigger badass than you really

Excuse me?

You don't remember, do you?

Remember what?

Coming to my birthday party.

What? I wouldn't be surprised if we were... When you were living with your

at the end of Hopper Street.

I went to your birthday party.

Yeah, you tried to kiss me near the punch bowl.

Get out of here.

I gave you a bloody nose.

Oh, my God.

You're right. I remember that. Yeah. You're not as tough as you like to think

you are.

Maybe I get turned on when girls hit me.

Ever think about that?

So that's why you stick around with Lorna?

Hell, I stick around with Lorna because she paid for the beer and pizza.

Come on.

Let's fix this generator.

All right.

Lorna, if you and that worthless greaseball are causing trouble, I will

both.

Where are you, Lorna?

Come on out, darling.

Amos!

What the fuck are you doing?

Hold it. Hold it. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

Where are you?

You see?

Gluten will kill you.

Shit.

You all right?

I'm real sorry about what's going on with your place.

I had no idea Lorna was being so shitty with you.

And Lord knows her daddy ain't no picnic either.

Thanks.

It doesn't really matter.

They win anyway.

I don't know if this thing has any gas.

What do you mean they win?

I have to sit down with Mom.

Tell her we gotta close on these.

Too many bad things been happening.

What's that?

Kills Barry Doughboy?

It's a lie to draw.

Listen, can't go pulling stakes just because Lorna and Jimmy Dean are putting

a stand.

Yeah.

It's easy for you to say.

Can't let them scare you.

Yeah.

There's nothing really keeping us here anymore.

Nothing that comes to mind anyway.

Come on, let's get out of here.

Why don't we got no life?

What the hell is wrong with you? Can't you do anything right? Lorna, I already

told you... Leave him alone.

Oh, so that's how it is, huh? Why do you always need to be so bitchy with

everybody? So now I'm a bitch. Yeah, you've always been a bitch. You guys,

guys.

Look at this.

Should we?

We're better.

Oh, you're not actually going to open that.

Somebody might be hurting there.

Oh, you two morons belong. together. Screw this shit. I'm going outside to

for Daddy.

Is she going to be okay?

She's got a knock on her head, but she's still breathing.

What is that fucker anyway?

I think I know what.

I mean, who it is.

Daddy?

Daddy?

God, no. No, no, no, no, no, Daddy.

No.

You mean the world to me, Daddy.

Hey, Daddy.

Now, wait a minute.

You mean to tell me that Dad... I know, it sounds crazy.

And I don't know how it happened.

But it's the only thing that makes sense.

Even if it is Twilight Zone kind of sense.

The guy that killed Jeremy and your daddy.

That you helped send to the electric chair.

Millard Finlemyer.

Has come back from the dead to get revenge on you.

Inside a cookie.

Well, makes sense to me, but I've had a lobotomy.

I'll let her clean that stuff off. She should warm up quicker and there won't

any hypothermia.

That bump on her head don't look so good.

Yeah.

I don't think she got a concussion. She's just...

She's in shock right now.

I think it's firing off.

How the hell you know all that?

Educated, I guess.

I've been taking some night class at the community college.

Just in case I don't end up baking pies for the rest of my life.

Yeah?

What kind of classes?

Nursing.

Silly, huh?

No, no, it ain't silly at all.

But... Why nursing?

I don't know. I guess I always like helping people.

Okay, but why nursing?

I mean, why not a doctor?

Hell, be a surgeon.

A smart, pretty girl like you can be whatever she wants.

Sorry.

I don't know. I just did that.

Sure beats a punch in the nose.

How about a facial?

My face.

Where is it? In my face. Where is it?

Where is it? No!

Don't go out there.

He just killed Daddy out there.

What? My face.

Come on, come on. Look at my face. Come on.

Hey, rat.

Rat!

I'm talking to you.

You want a piece of me?

Hey, you little shit.

Fuck off.

Come over here. I'm going to kick your ass.

I'm going to kick your little rat ass.

Oh, my God.

Look at me.

You'll be okay.

Okay? You call this okay?

I am Miss Pretty Face Awako.

I was Miss Pretty Face Awako. Now I'm nothing but a freak.

Lorna, you don't look that bad.

Well, that's easy for you to say.

You're ugly.

Look, get out of my way.

What the hell happened to her?

She dead?

No, she's all right.

Well, nothing's all right around here.

Okay, we have got to get out of here. But he could get us out there, too, like

he did your dad.

Listen, nobody's leaving. We're sticking together, okay?

You guys can stay if you want to, but that poppin' fresh fucker's already

a hold of my face.

And I'll be damned if he gets anything else.

Wait, Lorna!

Luckily,

that knife didn't hit any of her vital organs.

Holy shit!

That fucker booby -trapped all the eggs.

Okay, Sarah.

Sarah. Sarah.

Come on. Hey, we gotta be brave.

Come on, let's do this.

Sarah, Sarah.

I think he's over there. We can go out the back.

And then what?

Besides, we can't just leave Julia.

Shit. You're right.

I can hear you.

Yeah? Yeah? Then show yourself, you little half -baked fucker. I swear to

won't miss my wife. Hey, hey, wait a minute.

He's just trying to go, Jim. Yeah, well, it's working. He just wants me to

follow him. All he has to do is tell me where.

Her old man and brother were stupid back at that diner.

They tried to stop me, but she didn't.

Because she was afraid, just like now.

Don't listen to him, Sarah. He's just trying to get you to go.

You can't stay scared forever, Sarah.

Looks like it's set up to point at something.

The oven.

I said you were a smart kid.

Say goodnight, green pup.

Now you know what it feels like to fry, bitch.

Oh, yes. Burn, you bitch.

Ain't that sweet?

I see a sappy love story brewing.

Looking for this?

Yeah.

Baby, it's all over but the crying.

Bridget!

What the fuck?

Whoa. I was driving by after the rest of Palooza. Saw you guys through the

windows. Bridget, you gotta get out of here. Don't worry.

I can handle this.

Now it's time to meet your maker.

Prepare to face the Butcher Baker.

For tonight, your ass is toast.

You gotta be shitting me.

Let's finish this.

Oops.

Guns don't kill people. Cookies kill people.

You whore!

Eat me, you punk bitch!

Butcher Baker's no one's bitch!

You fucker!

Don't help!

No! No, you can't eat me! Don't eat me! Don't eat me!

Damn it, you punk bitch!

Got milk?

Save room for dessert, cause I'm coming back for you.

So, now we know who's más macho, huh?

Butcher Baker.

Yeah,

Butcher Baker.

All right.

How's she doing?

Oh, Sarah.

What happened?

Oh, there was this horrible little man.

He cut off my finger. Oh, it

hurts.

It's not over yet, girl.

Not by a long shot.

Oh, my God.

It's going to be okay.

Get you to the hospital, okay?

Why don't you stay here with Mark? I'm going to go get Brick.

Thank you.

Just get the hell out of me.

I'm looking all over for you. Come on.

I'm getting ready to leave.

Get your life looked at.

You okay?

I've never been better, Tooth.

Millard.

How sweet.

She remembers.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Rick.

Nope. Not Brick anymore.

It's only Millard now.

Time for us to finish our business.

I told you he's through.

Butcher Baker's been counted out for the last time.

Now give me some sugar, baby.

Sarah! No, no, no, no. Wait here, baby.

I'll see you at the gym.

Now it's time to do like my mama always taught me.

Not today, Cookie A.

Who do you think can kick your butt from here to tomorrow, boy?

The candy man can.

Don't worry, baby.

Get back.

Hey, little fiddler fucker.

Mama ever teach you about this?

Lookie there.

Just like magic.

You couldn't stop me back at the diner when I took care of your old man and

pussy brother.

And you ain't gonna stop me now.

I was scared of you back at the diner.

But I'm through with being scared of you, Millard.

There's been no Maya.

We didn't have a choice.

Thanks for all your help today. No, thank you. And the hospital thanks you.

That's Betty Lee.

She looks so much better.

Oh, hi, Bella.

Hi, Clay.

Hi, do you have any gingerbread cookies?

Not if you're lucky, I know.

Actually, an older lady stopped by just a few minutes ago and dropped off some

of these cute little rascals.

Couldn't you just die?

I'm starting to change now.

A gift from me to you.

No fear is left to...

Yes, that's the way the cookie crumbles.

I don't want to say that this movie is a cookie -cutter rip -off of the Chucky

movies, but I just can't help it.

At least Chucky was cute.

The ginger -dead man looks like up Chucky.

And don't you just love to hate Gary Busey?

I do.

What can you say about a ham playing a cookie?

I mean, Gary ought to lay off the baked goods, because he looks like he not only

played Buddy Holly in the biopic, he ate him!

If Buddy Holly would have known Gary Busey was going to play him in his life

movie, he would have crashed the plane himself.

Oh, goody, it's my ginger dead man.

Hi,

ginger dead man. How are you today?

My back is burning.

Oh, let me get you off of that hot cookie sheet.

So let me moisten you with a nice hot latte.

Hot latte?

Oh, no!

There we go.

My legs!

I can't feel my legs!

Oh, well, can you still feel your hands?

I think so.

Does it hurt when I do this?

soggy from that latte bath. Let me dry you off.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, no!

Not with butane!

Oh!

Oh, just relax. I do this with creme brulee all the time.

Oh, no!

Oh, just how I like my ginger dead men.

Hot and black.

Well, that's our show. I'll be stirring up more schlock next time. So until

then, you know what I always say.

pleasant dreams.

tomorrow.