Original subtitles

Hello, darling. It's me, Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. I want to start

show with a quick audience poll.

You know how I love to poll my audience.

Okay, how many of you had sex today?

Raise your hands.

Ew, I said raise your hands.

Okay. And of those who did have sex, how many of you had sex with another

person?

Oh, yeah, okay.

Now I know why so many of you are wearing glasses.

And how many of you are into demonic toys?

Personally, I thought Cabbage Patch Kids and Beanie Babies were demonic because

I like my toys to make the brrrr sound.

Yeah, I mean, I played with Tickle Me, Elmo, more than I care to mention.

Elmo, if you're out there watching, call me.

Well, I hate to give away the ending, but really, I'm going to have to.

No!

No!

Hey, if you don't want to hear it, just cover your ears and say, la -la -la -la

-la -la -la -la -la -la.

Okay, here's the ending.

And they all die happily ever after.

Actually, I've slept through this entire movie twice, and I still don't get it.

It's the toys.

Someone's inside the toys.

Oh, now I get it.

And now I don't.

But it doesn't really matter if I get it or not, just as long as you do. And

boy, are you ever gonna get it.

No!

No!

Yes! Yes!

She needs a time out, because now it's time to play with demonic toys.

gonna rock around the clock.

That's where it all leads in.

That's a pretty weird dream, Jude.

I see all sorts of fraughty impossibilities there.

Probably some sort of sexual thing, you know?

Probably?

You know, I knew we should have never moved in together. You don't take me

seriously anymore.

We were right to move in together.

And now that you mention it, maybe we should get married.

Look, I got nothing against marriage. Just that, you know, we should get

when we're ready to have kids, you know?

Do you want kids?

I mean, because we never really talked about it or anything.

Yeah, sure, someday, you know.

Man,

where are they?

Relax, they'll be here.

I've been through this a million times.

You'll get used to it.

They always like to come late, keep the other guy waiting.

You know, Matt, sometimes you don't pick up on things right away.

Hey, it'll be okay. This'll be a piece of cake.

Like now, for instance. I'm trying to tell you something.

What?

I asked you how you feel about having a kid for a reason.

Are you pregnant?

I found out this morning.

Well, that's great!

I'm gonna be a dad.

Why didn't you tell me this before?

You shouldn't be here tonight.

Oh, shit. Here we are.

You stay in the car. Let me take care of this. Oh, don't be stupid, Matt.

I got your piece?

Yeah, but I just think it'd be better if you... Then let's dance.

Cable?

Miss me?

Oh, yeah, Lincoln, with a fire that burns deep in my loins.

Me too.

Must be love.

Who's the family?

It's my investor.

I'll take a bite.

Fuck you.

Are you going to show us something?

Are you going to stand here and jerk us off all night?

Hey, Hess, I love this guy.

I really do.

Yeah, I'm going to show you something.

Come on.

Knockoffs from Indonesia.

The good stuff.

Single action.

You want to adjust over your sight?

Walnut stock, best of all.

No serial numbers.

Clean as a whistle.

Or a baby's bottom.

Knock it off, Wendell.

Whatever floats your boat.

We get these babies out of Russia, sell a lot to the cartels.

Bang, bang, you know.

Hey!

No clip, man.

All right.

How much?

40K for the whole lot.

What do you say?

I, uh, I say, uh, you're under arrest.

Oh, God.

Wait. Wait.

make it make it on your head

make it sorry guys

make it help me get the fuck

He's over here.

What if I...

Get off the phone, Hammerhead. Let me talk to Mark.

For you.

What's up, Tarnetsky?

Irregular. Legs and breasts, none of that wingy shit.

And bring me plenty of honey for my fucking roll this time. You assholes

skimp on that.

Would you like that extra crispy or chunk style?

Take a guess.

Chunk style.

That's my boy.

Now get off your fucking ass and bring me my food.

Got it.

Mr. Wayne.

Mr. Wayne?

Is that a cigarette in your mouth?

No. It's your dick.

I'm going to put it out, please.

This instant?

I don't think I like your attitude, mister.

Well, I guess that makes two of us.

He was being verbally abusive to me, Mr. Peterson.

Where do you think you're going?

I'm going to deliver Charnetsky his food.

I want to talk to you about your attitude.

It is not acceptable.

Now I want you to make sure you come right on back here, mister.

Well, maybe I won't come back.

Maybe I'll just plow your fucking chicken mobile into the river.

How'd you like that?

I'm troubled.

Fucking toys.

Ha ha ha!

So you're cops, huh?

Well, I guess I nailed your partner a good one out there, didn't I?

Shut up!

It's okay.

It's okay. I'm going to be out on bail by the end of the night, bitch.

This whole fucking thing isn't trapping.

Man, will this guy ever die?

Mm.

That'll teach you to give someone the finger.

Finger food.

Hi,

guy.

Thanks for coming.

I've been sleeping for a long time, waiting for someone just like you to

me. We're going to have a lot of fun here tonight, friend.

We're going to raise hell.

How the fuck should I know, Miss Cop?

What's going on, lady?

We're locked in.

All right, fucking brilliant!

Fucking brilliant, lady. What are we going to do now?

We wait till morning. Wait.

No, no, no, no. Fuck that noise, lady.

You get me the fuck out of here now.

Now! You say I got my rights, lady.

You got to take me in the county.

I get to make a phone call. I get to talk to my fucking lawyer.

You don't get shit.

You killed my partner.

You're lucky I don't put a bullet in your fucking head and call it self

-defense.

Is that you, kid?

No, it's the Hillside Strangler. Let me in.

Hold your pants on.

You're a fucking genius, lady.

A lot of good that did.

Now, there you are. Took you long enough.

Took me the same amount of time it takes me every night.

There you go, 12 o 'clock. Right on the dot.

Want a beer, kid?

Take a guess.

Thanks.

Hey.

Did you see Miss July?

Not yet.

Wrap your eyeballs around that.

Oh, wow.

Sort of brings a tear to your eye, don't it?

Yeah, and something else.

Goddamn, I hate him. Son of a bitch.

Well, kid.

How's work?

It's a fucking joke.

Dunkin' chicken, cry it.

Peterson runs around like he's got a board shoved up his ass the whole time.

Well, what do I tell you?

The world is a toilet, and all the people in it are assholes.

God damn it, Tom.

It's a joke.

You can do like I do.

Find yourself a niche and brick yourself in.

Take my job.

I mean, I sit on my ass.

Watch television.

Take a little hair of the old pooch.

That's a life.

Take this iguana guy, for instance.

Iguana?

Sure. This guy goes down to Costa Rica and starts raising them little bastards.

Finds they take up less space.

And they taste just like chicken.

Everything tastes just like chicken. You ever notice that?

Frog legs, snakes, even rabbits taste like chicken. Everything except this

We're fucked, lady.

Nobody knows we're up here. Nobody's going to hear us up here.

Somebody ought to hear that.

Maybe I better go out and check, huh?

Well, you are the security guard.

Yeah.

It could be a cat or something, right?

Could be.

Yeah, it could be.

I'm going to tell you something.

If it's a bum, I'm gonna kick his goddamn ass.

There ain't nothing in this place to steal except some goddamn old toys.

You stay here, kid. Wait a minute. What if someone comes back here when you're

gone? There's an old shotgun there in the locker.

I'd rather take my chances with you.

Your choice, kid.

Hang close.

I don't think there's anything here.

This one, I heard something, man.

I don't know.

Don't worry, Truman.

Open the door. Yeah.

Let me see some identification.

You happy? Open the door.

Yeah, hold your pants on.

What the hell are you doing in there? The door swung shut and locked us in.

Didn't you hear screaming and gunshots?

Yeah.

Look, I chased two men into your warehouse.

One of them's wounded, maybe dead. The other one's handcuffed back here.

Holy Christ.

What the fuck are you looking at?

What the hell did he do?

He killed my partner.

No shit.

Look, I'm going to need a phone to call for backup.

No, it's dead. I tried it. No sweat.

We can use the one in my office.

Look, you're going to have to do it for me. I can't leave him.

What about the other guy? He's still out there, right?

Yeah, but he's hurt badly.

Look. Call the Jackson Precinct, all right?

My name's Gray. Tell them there's an officer down.

Let them know that it's a Code 30, all right?

Right. You know how to use that gun?

I was in Korea.

Lady, I can handle myself.

Christ, what a night.

Here.

Close the door and don't open it until I get back.

You stay there and keep watch.

Sure.

If you move at all, I'll kill you.

He just moved! Shoot him!

Bitch.

I thought the bears only played football.

He tripped.

What?

He's getting up.

I'm okay.

He's all right. Probably a little drunk.

Hi, you fat fuck.

I'm Baby Oopsie Daisy.

You lard -ass. Will you be my special friend?

What the hell?

I can walk. I can talk.

I can even shit my pants.

Huh? Can you shit your pants?

Playtime.

Oh, my God. Somebody shot him.

Oopsie daisy.

Security guards taste like chicken.

It's the toys.

Someone's inside the toys.

Hmm. Isn't it usually the other way around?

How'd you get in here?

Through there.

Been sleeping here the last couple of nights.

Runaway.

Yeah, I guess you could say that.

Got a dad who likes to use me for batting practice.

Yeah, well, how come you didn't come out till now?

Been watching you.

Look, things got kind of weird around here. Figured my chances were better off

if I hung out with you.

Nice outfit.

Polyester looks real good with leather.

Very funny.

Do you have any idea what's going on out there?

It's the toys.

They're alive.

Toys? Toys? Did you see what they did to Charnetsky? Jesus Christ, they threw

him apart.

Quiet. We gotta get out of here. This is fucked. We gotta get out.

Stop. Oh.

You're not helping things, all right?

Baby Picocco in his yellow period.

Now,

the toys have not come to life.

The fucking teddy bear looks pretty alive to me.

You saw it.

They're all over the warehouse.

They're locking us in.

There has to be another explanation.

Like what?

I don't know.

Lady, you are some kind of cop, let me tell you.

Look, either of you know what this place is.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's a warehouse for overstocked toys, shit like that.

Well, you were friends with the night watchman. You must know where the exits

are. Wouldn't matter.

This place was chained tight till the morning.

Only way out is through the loading doors.

They're open from the off.

Okay, okay, he shot the locks off one of those chains. We can go out that exit.

The door on the north end?

Uh -uh. They blocked that off after you came through.

That's when I first saw them.

Look.

They're evil spirits, you know. I don't believe in evil spirits. Well, you

better.

This place is haunted.

The spirits are inside the toys.

Herman, I don't believe any of this shit.

What's the matter?

Look at the floor.

You see?

What do you want?

Who do you want dead?

This isn't funny anymore, guys.

Are we having fun yet?

I need your bodies.

I need flesh and blood.

Stop it.

Peel off your skin.

Chew up your bones.

Most of all.

Did

you

see him?

That's the little boy I've been dreaming about.

Look.

Look, we've got to get out of here. It's that simple. I can't handle this ghost

shit.

All right.

Okay. All right.

All right, we can get to the security office, all right?

Can you get the loading doors open?

Yeah, but how are we supposed to get there?

Can you get there through those air conditioning shafts? Yeah, I can find

way. All right, then.

The two of you will have to go and get out there and bring help.

So why don't you come with us? I can't. I have to bring him in. Why?

Because it's my job.

Yeah? Well, I'm not too crazy about this idea. See, I got this thing about

crawling around in small, dark places, especially with those things out there.

Well, I can't leave him here.

Okay.

What are you,

chicken? Hey, don't ever mention the word chicken to me again.

This is part of the snake or something.

Just keep moving.

What the hell was he talking about back there anyway?

There's a demonic power here.

I can feel it.

Must be some sort of satanic ritual or something.

Must be trying to conjure something up.

Probably needs human blood or something like that.

Oh, great.

Bet you're sorry you ran away, huh?

They don't care about me.

They never cared anything about me.

Look, let's go.

Judith. Oh, Judith.

Paging Judith.

Uh, Judith. Hello?

Hello? Judith?

In here.

In here, Judith.

In here.

That's right.

In here, Judith.

Hello, Judith.

Where are we?

Inside the doll's house.

It's part of the astral plane.

This is where I live.

For the time being.

This isn't real.

This isn't real.

It's real enough.

I brought you here so we can have a chat.

Who are you?

A spirit.

Just like your little friend said.

A bad one, too.

You look like a little boy to me.

Oh, I can take any form I want to.

I can be this.

But I like this form best of all.

Don't you?

Oh, God.

God has nothing to do with this, Judith.

Actually, let's crush the word.

God, from our lexicon altogether.

Let's talk demons instead.

They're not real. They're not like the toys. They're like a merciless nation,

you know?

They can't hurt you.

How do you know?

I ran into one earlier.

It hit me and it just disappeared.

Oh, shit! They've seen us!

We're not part of your physical world.

We feed off your fear, your pain, your death.

But that's not enough to satisfy me.

You know what I really want, Judith?

A body to hang my soul in.

A real body.

Blood and bones.

What are you talking about?

Right now, I'm weak.

My spirit is bound by the walls of this warehouse.

It's taken all my strength just to animate these toys.

Even that took 66 years of rest.

66 years since the last time I tried to be born.

That's right, dear.

It's all right.

You're going to be all right.

Oh, he's not going to make it.

Such a beautiful child.

It's no use.

He's dead.

Better luck next time, little friend.

Perhaps we'll meet another time.

Don't blame yourself, dear.

You, you did the best you could.

I'll see who it is.

Trick or treat.

Good. What a wonderful costume, darling. See?

Would you like something better than candy?

Yeah.

Good. I have a very special surprise for you. Now, he is like a seed, and

you must plant him and take very good care of him. Do you understand?

Yes. Come to me. Now, that way, he will grow big and strong,

and when he's ready, he will find a little baby to grow inside of.

And then he can finally be born.

Thank you.

Tricks are for kids.

I've been imprisoned in that corpse for 66 years, waiting for something to set

me free.

Your friend's blood did the trick.

You see, in order for me to take on a human form, I have to be born like a

human. At the moment of birth, I ride shotgun down the old birth canal, and I

come out instead, Judith.

Or should I call you mom?

What the hell are you talking about?

You know.

Have you forgotten so soon?

What?

You're pregnant.

31 days, to be exact.

That's why I lured you here.

Oh, no.

I'm going to be a dad, Jude.

We should have never moved in together. You just don't take me seriously

anymore.

Even now I'm taking care of your friends in the air conditioning shafts.

Have fun doing with them.

No. Then I'll come for you.

Then we can do that nasty.

No.

No.

But don't worry, Judith.

The pain won't last long.

I'll speed up the birth.

You can be a proud mother of a brand new demon by sunrise.

No!

Then blood's really gonna run.

I like you. Will you be my special friend?

Playtime!

Smells like baby back ribs.

Oh,

man.

Telephone, the phone.

Oh, fuck, it's dead. We're trapped. What the fuck are we going to do?

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

Gun. Turn it. He's got a shotgun.

It's over.

No, it's not.

It's not over.

Welcome to Jack in the Box's drive -thru window.

basic surgery.

Each death just makes me stronger.

I'm a demon kid.

It's my specialty.

How do you want your death served up to you?

You want that chunk style?

Or extra crispy?

Everything you've seen up to now has only been a warm -up.

Wait till I really get rolling.

No mark, you're not shy are you?

Sort of brings a tear to your eye, don't it?

And you thought the puppets looked fake.

Are we having fun yet?

It's not real!

Oh, they're real, all right.

Real fake.

Oh, God!

Oh.

I was just saying to myself, Lincoln, old boy, you need yourself a gun.

And look what happens.

Mr. Fast Food King himself comes strolling around the corner with the

my prayers.

How did... How?

I play the old Houdini act on your lady friend back there, chicken boy.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

Shit!

Cow's tired. Take care of you, little buddy.

Wait a minute, man.

We gotta stick together. Those things are everywhere.

I'm just doing what the voices inside my head tell me to do, kid. So if they say

blow your fucking brains out, I blow your fucking brains out.

Nothing personal, you understand?

I just haven't been myself lately.

Just when things were getting interesting.

I thought you said you wanted to bring him in alive.

Alive.

Who's a little chatterbox?

One with all the golden locks.

Shut the fuck up!

Come on, we gotta get out of here.

Where's Anna?

Dead.

She, uh... She got nailed in the office.

Okay, man.

It's just the two of us. Let's do it.

The toys got into loading door controls.

There's no way out of here till the morning.

Well, we can't wait till the morning. That thing's getting stronger by the

minute. I don't understand what the hell that thing wants from us.

My baby.

What?

I'm pregnant.

This thing came to me in my mind and told me what he wanted. He wants to take

over my unborn child.

Why the hell does he need the rest of us?

Because each death makes him more powerful.

Well, that's great.

That's just fucking perfect.

I have to get my head blown off because some junior demon has a fucking heart

off for you?

It's not my fault.

Maybe I should just...

Save him the trouble and kill myself.

Why don't you?

Shut the fuck up! I want to talk to you, motherfucker!

Let's get out of here.

Almost time.

Thank you.

Charge! You got me. I'm dying.

YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD!

Nice. You just ruined Christmas for dozens of demonic children.

You can't kill me.

Oh, give me a break.

I can't believe it.

Mother of Satan, could this be the fucking end of baby oopsy -daisy? The

what?

I win I win War

Thank you.

Hi Jude.

You know I only have eyes for you.

Hello, Judith.

So glad you could make it. You know, it just wouldn't be a show without you.

Oh, God, help me!

This isn't so bad, is it?

My dear friend, Mr. Cable, was nice enough to tie you up.

Or should I call him Dad?

All right, you little shit!

I've had enough of this. Now let the lady go.

Hi, Mark.

Thanks for coming.

Where was I?

Oh, yes.

Let me slip into something a little more comfortable before the fun begins.

There.

That's much better.

No!

Relax.

I'm going to make you give birth to me, Judith.

You might even enjoy this.

First, I'm gonna crawl on top of you and do the nasty.

Then I'll be inside your womb.

I'm going to eat the soul of your baby and take his shell for my own.

Then I'll induce labor.

Before the night is through, I'll be born in a human body.

Flesh and blood.

No!

Such a pretty mother you're going to make.

I've waited 66 years for this.

Trapped in the earth on this very spot.

over soon.

You won't survive the birth, of course.

I can assure you of that.

You. No.

That's impossible.

Okay, you kids need a time out.

Ace tops king.

now, Mom.

Everything's okay.

We won.

Who are you?

I'm your son.

The son you're going to have.

The demon's gone back to hell.

Maybe he'll try to steal another baby's soul.

I don't understand.

I'm a spirit, too, since I haven't been born yet.

Not for another eight months.

But I couldn't let him kill you, Mom.

I didn't want to go to the evil.

So I found a way to help.

So I became a toy soldier.

What's your name?

You haven't given me one yet.

I have to go now, Mom.

But I'll see you soon.

Bye, Mom.

over, isn't it?

Who are

you

talking to?

My little boy.

My little boy.

Goodbye, soldier boy. Write me from Iraq.

Don't wake me till it's over.

It's over, isn't it?

Are you sure it's over?

No, it's not.

Well, is it over or not?

No!

No!

Well, I'm over it. Heck, I can't hang out here all the time.

Even though most of the time I'm here, I'm hanging out.

I have places to go and people to be.

Because sometimes even I get sick of being me. I mean, I can't even go

without having my picture taken.

See what I mean?

It's not easy being me.

Sure, I make it look easy, but that's because I've had years of experience

easy.

Anyway... It's time for me to ease on out of here and ease into a nice, hot

bubble bath with my little rubber ducky.

Ew. So that's where all the bubbles come from.

Well, I wish you all could join us, but that would even give me unpleasant

dreams.