Original subtitles

Well, darling, it's me, Elvira, Mistress of the Dark.

And until somebody turns the prompter back on, I'm going to remain in the

Oh, there. That's much more better.

Gosh, I wouldn't know what to say if someone didn't put the words in my

And believe me, I've had worse things in my mouth.

Hello, darling.

It's me, that value meal that's always supersized.

Elvira, mistress of the dark. And tonight we're choking on cannibal women

avocado jungle of death. And if you ask me, the only thing that could help me

get this down is if it came with chips.

Oh, God! Holy guacamole!

God, I'm glad I didn't ask for salsa.

Anyway, cannibal women in the avocado jungle of death is the pits.

But if you're a fan of boobs, which most boobs are...

Then, this is your movie. It's rated R for Brrrrath.

And it has an all -star cast of hot babes with big bazoomies, including

Playboy playmate and wife of Gene Simmons from Kiss, Shannon Tweed.

They met at the dungeon at the Playboy mansion.

You know, Hef once asked me if I would take it off for Playboy, and I said,

yeah, I'll take it off for any boy.

Just not some creepy old dude in a bathrobe and slippers.

And speaking of bunnies, this movie also features a character named Bunny.

Since this movie, the actress playing her has had a meteoric career, meaning

that it crashed off the Yucatan Peninsula, destroying all life within 40

I'm sorry, but we can't all be stars.

Otherwise, there wouldn't be anyone around to kiss my ass.

So, some of you are just going to have to settle for being part of the

hemorrhoid belt, which is on the backside of the asteroid belt.

Anyway, Also featured in our all -star cast of top heavy ta -tas is Adrienne

Barbeau. Now, she's the daughter of Maude Adams and the ex -wife of horror

filmmaker John Carpenter.

Kill him.

Now.

Oh, I guess they're no longer talking.

I think Adrienne Barbeau must have been in a fog when she married the movie's

director because she dumped him during her escape from New York.

Get it?

Then forget it.

Anyway, Cannibal Women and the Avocado Jungle of Death is a movie with a

message. Next time, come up with a shorter title for your film. You know,

Cannibal Women Who Sacrifice and Eat Their Men.

Or, if you can't beat them, eat them.

Seriously, these broths are nuts. But I can relate, because while the only nuts

I want to eat grow on trees, I do enjoy eating a date or two on occasion.

Well, I hope you're hungry, because Mama's serving up a man -witch of a

prepared by those galloping gourmet gals of guys that cannibal women in the

avocado jungle of death.

Bon appetit.

Thank you.

We're lost.

No we're not.

Look! Over there!

Yeah?

Wait a second.

What's that I hear?

Sounds like... Get out of here. No, no, come on, man. Don't be such a

coward. Let's check this out.

Holy National Geographic. And I do mean graphic.

Look at them.

They're beautiful.

Aren't they the most lovely, sensuous, inviting women you've ever seen?

What are you, nuts?

Look at them.

Dangerous. They don't look dangerous.

They look lonely.

I'm going to go with you. Do like them.

Yoo -hoo!

Throughout history.

Dominant sex would subjugate the weaker, just as the Chinese bound the feet of

young girls to cripple them into helplessness.

So did the Amazon women break the legs of boys to make them subservient. Is it

possible for men and women to coexist as equal?

That's a subject we'll tackle in our next class.

Dr. Hunt, I really love your class.

Well, thank you, Bunny. You can call me Margo.

I like it so much. I've been thinking about changing my major from home

economics to feminist studies, but I wasn't sure if you had any feminist

classes.

I don't think we do, no.

Interesting thought, though.

I mean, the idea of being socially conditioned to be a sex object. Wait

tell the girls in the sorority.

Bunny, I think you should take a few more classes in women's studies before

decide to switch majors.

But, Dr. Hunt, I know I want to be a liberated girl. I can just feel it in my

toes.

It could be those pointy boobs.

Uh, Margo?

Dean Stockwell? Dr. Hunt, these gentlemen from the United States

would like to talk to you. This is Mr. Ford Maddox, U .S. Department of

Agriculture, and Colonel Mattel, National Security Commission, Avocado

Avocado Affairs.

Uh, Ms. Hunt, this is a matter of national importance. We need to speak to

Dr. Hunt, 98 % of the avocados produced in the United States come from the state

of California. Now you see my point? Most of these come from a jungle area

spreads from Bakersfield to the Mexican border.

The avocado belt.

I'm aware of that. What does it have to do with me?

Miss Hunt, maybe you don't get the point.

Avocados are vital to this nation's security interests.

The communists are already in control.

Nicaragua and Guatemala and El Salvador strife with revolution.

California is the last secure supply of avocados in the free world.

We're on the verge of a major avocado gap with the Soviet Union. Back in the

Kremlin, Gorbachev is just chuckling over his taquitos.

I still don't see what that has to do with me.

Doctor, have you ever taken a loyalty oath? Colonel, let me handle this.

As I was saying, most of the avocados from the United States come from the

avocado belt, but they are harvested only on the perimeter of the jungle.

Because as we all know, the interior is completely wild and uncharted.

Anyone that strays too close to the heart of the avocado jungle never

Why?

That's a very good question, Bunny.

Perhaps Dr. Hunt would like to answer it.

It's only a legend, really.

We're convinced that they're real.

Who?

The Piranha Women.

Piranha women, who are they?

They're an ancient commune of feminists.

So radical, so militant, so left of center, they eat their men.

Oh, that. Well, if I like a guy, you should start a... They don't eat their

like that, Bunny.

More like a black widow spider.

They have sex with their men and they kill them.

Then they tear them into strips like beef jerky and eat them with guacamole.

So legend has it. They are more than a legend. They're a major agricultural

problem. It used to be safe for avocado pickers to venture within 20 miles of

the jungle's edge.

But lately, the Piranha women have broadened their hold. No one is safe

in the avocado belt.

Well, if they're that much trouble, why don't you just send in the troops and

round them up?

Colonel Mattel, the fact is we tried.

We sent in three divisions armored with air support, the best men we had.

And? They got whooped.

They didn't play fair. Our men are trained for state -of -the -art, high

warfare.

Piranha women were using knives and spears.

Officers got confused, and they... They found me at the edge of the jungle.

Dog tag?

Look closely.

They're covered with guacamole dip.

Ew.

Now do you get my point, Doctor?

Your sisters in the jungle are eating the few and the proud.

Control yourself, Colonel.

Look, naturally, we would prefer a military solution.

But frankly, the U .S. military hasn't had a lot of luck in jungle warfare

lately.

So we're forced to negotiate with the piranha women.

That's where you come in.

We want you to go into the jungle and try to reason with these man -eaters.

I can't do that, Mr. Maddox.

We just want the piranha women to move out of the avocado jungle to a

reservation in Malibu.

We like pandemonium.

Pool, sauna, ample parking, total luxury living. We are even willing, at the

government's expense, to convert the exercise room so that they may maintain

their bizarre sacrificial rituals.

Let me come to the point.

We don't care if these girls want to eat their men.

That's the piranha man's problem.

We just want the avocados.

We're willing to pay for them.

I'm sorry, the answer's still no.

Just like you girls to stick together.

Why don't you tell us the real reason you're not going to go into that jungle?

You'd like to see the United States humiliated by a communist avocado yield.

think you'd like to eat me right now, wouldn't you, Dr. Hunt? Colonel, control

yourself.

Dr. Hunt is a respected middle -of -the -road feminist.

And I'm sure she'll be happy to cooperate with us, especially when she

how much this university depends upon grants from the Defense Department for

space weaponry program.

And if Miss Hunt, Dr.

Hunt, is still unable to see the logic in assisting us, why, I'm sure Dean is

not willing to cling it to her.

Won't you, Dean?

Now, now, now, gentlemen.

I will not tolerate tactics of this kind.

This university is a bastion of intellectual freedom, and I am sworn to

that freedom.

I will not tolerate my professors being coerced into anything.

Against their will.

No matter how much political pressure he's put on me personally.

Margo, you will do exactly as they tell you, or I will cut your funding off and

you can kiss your tenure goodbye.

Comprehendo? Mm -hmm.

The real question here is whether or not this project is worthy of Spritzer

College's involvement.

Please stay down.

I guess I'm going in the jungle.

Terrific. Nice seeing you.

Thanks again for your help, Dean. Oh, any time.

Mr. Maddox, there's something you're not telling me.

Why? What do you mean?

You don't expect me to believe I'm the first feminist you sent in to try and

reason with the piranha women. What's really going on in that jungle?

I suppose you have the right to know the truth.

Two years ago, we sent into the avocado jungle the leading feminist scholar, Dr.

Kurtz. Dr.

Kurtz?

Internationally famous author of Smart Women, Stupid, Insensitive Men?

Yes. The planes are sudden disappearance from the talk show circuit.

What happened to her?

We really don't know.

She may have been killed or perhaps they're holding a prisoner.

It was shortly after her expedition that the Piranha women went on the rampage.

Well, I guess now that you know, they refused to go.

Quite the contrary.

Now I know I must go.

You can't come.

Dr. Hart, I can't go with you.

Bunny, look, nobody's ever returned from the avocado jungle.

There'll be countless dangers and perils along the way. I can't take a sophomore

into the wilderness.

You don't have the skill or training.

And besides, you haven't even finished your general ed requirements.

Now, I'm sorry, Bunny. It's just too dangerous.

Bunny, baby!

Hey, good looking. How you doing?

Hi, Chuckie. Hi.

Bunny, babe.

Super party boys at the Delta Epsilon are having another super party this

night. You're not doing anything, are you?

Well, I wanted to do something, but I guess I'm not. Great. Great. Look, this

going to be a toga party and a beer bust.

And for special girls like you, we are going to be having a wet T -shirt

contest. But all my T -shirts are dry.

Funny. Don't worry about that. The fraternity brothers, we're going to take

of you. Fun.

You ever do any mud wrestling?

I... You're coming with me.

I... You'd be safer in the jungle.

Come on, Chucky.

Patricia, have those filing cabinets I ordered come in yet? No. I've had them

back order for two weeks.

Never mind.

I'm going to do some field research, and I need some supplies.

Okay, three legal thighs pads.

Ten manila envelopes.

Dictaphone recorder.

And four one -hour tapes.

I need a bowie knife, first aid kit, 100 feet of nylon mountain climbing rope,

breech -loading revolver, and holster.

A thousand rounds of ammunition.

Full metal jacket, hollow point, or Teflon coated.

Which do you think would be best for fighting the dangers that lurk inside a

hostile jungle environment?

I would alternate hollow and heflon bullets in the chamber.

That way, you have maximum stopping power, but still armor -piercing

Dr. Holland!

Yoo -hoo!

Yoo -hoo!

I'm ready!

Oh, Bunny.

Don't you think you could have worn something a little more practical? We're

going into uncharted jungle.

I tip a pair of flags. It might be okay.

Well, never mind.

Get in trouble, you can wear something of mine. Okay.

And I brought along some great lingerie we can wear.

Why do the piranha women eat their men?

Well, primitive cultures often use overly simplistic methods of dealing

intertribal conflicts.

The piranha women probably figured that the problems that arise between men and

women naturally in any relationship are best solved by ritualized killing.

Do a lot of feminists eat men?

Nobody.

Well, not many.

You have to understand that the piranha women...

are a primitive, ancient, radical offshoot of the women's movement.

And most feminists, like myself and Dr. Kurtz, we believe in equality between

the sexes, not the domination of women over men.

And there aren't any modern feminists that advocate cannibalism, at least not

since the 60s.

San Bernardino, a rough speck of civilization on the edge of the avocado

We'll head down to some local establishments and see if we can find a

to guide us through the jungle.

I've never been to San Bernardino before.

Don't worry, Bunny.

Are you all right?

Hey, chickies. Can I buy you a drink?

No, thanks.

When I offer a chick a drink, I... I am not a chick.

I'm an ethno -historian with a doctorate in cultural anthropology. Got that?

Yes, doctor.

Good. Now, I understand that your compulsion to assault women verbally

from a constant exposure to violent and sexist images from a male -dominated

media. Therefore, I won't blow a hole in your head.

Thank you.

I'm from the Department of Feminist Studies at Spritzer College.

I want to hire a mercenary for a very dangerous job.

I'm Anvil, a crazy ex -Vietnam vet who hires himself out to the highest

I can rape, pillage, and napalm an entire South Asian village.

I am Bushido, the world's greatest ninja.

I am a killing machine, master of all the deadly arts.

And if you need a mercenary to kill and to maim, I am the best.

World champion wrestler and weightlifter.

I don't need no weapons or guns. I can crush man with my bare hands.

I can smash him. Smash him.

is your job?

You want to burn down a small town?

Attack an impenetrable fortress.

I need a guide to take me through the avocado jungle.

The avocado jungle?

I want to make contact with the piranha women.

The piranha women?

Excuse me, ma 'am.

I've got to go to the infection center.

Counseling, maybe next time.

I forgot, I'm busy.

There's a showing of the Southern Samurai tonight at the Newark Inn.

Bye.

Well,

let that be a lesson to you, Bunny. A bunch of violent brutes

wrapped up in a blanket of male machismo.

Well, they're happy to victimize the helpless, but one thing sends them

scurrying away.

One thing strips their phony courage.

The threat of a strong woman.

Not so fast, Dr.

Margo Hunt, Ms. Ethno -Historian.

There are still some real men left in this world.

Men who haven't been castrated by the years of feminist propaganda that

corrupted the public school system and affected primetime television.

Men who believe that nature designed women to cook, nurture children, and

for Penthouse magazine.

Real men.

See, our role in this world is to love, protect, and yes, I'm not afraid to say

it, dominate women.

I'll go into the avocado jungle with you.

I'll lead you to the piranha women.

I'm man enough to face the dangers that lurk in the dark bosom of the jungle.

Afraid of a certain ethno -historian who, terrified of her own frailty and

to be loved, abandoned her femininity in a bizarre charade of scholarship and

androgyny. Jim, what are you doing here?

You know him, Dr. Hunt?

Sure she knows me, Bunny.

Dr. Hunt and I are old friends, aren't we, Margot?

Well... We were in love once.

Desperately and passionately in love.

That was a long time ago, wasn't it, Margot?

Back when your mind wasn't filled with bizarre feminist notions about the

meaninglessness of love.

Back then, you were the most giving, passionate woman I'd ever met in my

Turned my whole world upside down for you.

You shared her innermost thoughts and feelings.

You made plans.

Big plans.

Plans for life together.

And then you dumped me flat because I didn't turn out to be the sort of man

fit in neatly with the feminist Tommy Rot you were being force -fed by your

professors. It was a one -night stand. I was half -drunk and left right after we

had sex.

We didn't say eight words to each other and all yours were composed of one

syllable. Just like you to count the words, Dr. Hunt.

What you never understood is there are some feelings that can't be measured in

words. Some moments that last an eternity.

You toyed with my affections, and after you crushed my heart, I crawled into a

whiskey bottle, and I haven't come out since.

You left for Hawaii the next day with a bimbo in the cafeteria.

Well, yeah, but I had made that date a week before.

And besides, the second I got back from Hawaii, I crawled into a whiskey bottle,

and I haven't come out since.

Oh, let's go, Bunny.

Wait!

Said you needed a guide.

Oh, I've changed my mind.

We'll do without one.

Fat chance.

You'd last ten minutes in that jungle without me.

I can take care of myself.

Not in the avocado jungle you can't.

You know what jungle herb cures the poisonous bite of the river snake?

You know where the only land route is around the white waters of death?

You know the way through the secret maze caves that lie underneath Hangman's

Cliff?

Huh? Do you?

Well, no, I don't.

Do you?

Well, no, but I have this.

Paperback.

I'll buy my own book.

Is that a print?

You as a guide, how much?

Oh, isn't that fine? Just like you to treat me like a gigolo and offer me

After all, we meant to each other. How much?

$25 ,000.

Okay. Fifty bucks? Okay.

That's, uh, fifty plus expensive.

Now, Tim, I don't care what happened to us before. That's all in the past.

I've hired you as a guide with the understanding that our relationship will

strictly professional from here on in.

Whatever you say, honeybuns.

Get out.

Okay, okay.

You're right. I just slept.

Strictly professional. If it's the way you want it, it's the way it'll be.

I'll be good, really.

Promise.

I guess sharing a sleeping bag is out then.

This is it.

The avocado jungle.

Doesn't look like a jungle.

The outer regions aren't very overgrown, but foliage gets thicker the deeper you

go.

We're going to have to leave the Jeep here and continue on foot.

Yeah, well, you girls better hang back. This could be dangerous.

You don't want to make any misstep.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Checking the tires.

Yeah, they're good.

I'll look at the oil later.

You wrecked my nail.

The avocado jungle.

Look around you, Bunny.

In front of us, the lush, untouched rainforest of the last surviving

Behind us, the polluted patriarchy of Western civilization.

We're leaving a world dominated by men and entering one ruled by women.

Whoop -de -doo.

Just keep bashing men. In a couple days, you'll be dying for a Burger King out

here. I doubt it.

Hey, women, you're always bitching and moaning about men and the way we run

things, but let's face it, who could have ever invented but a man that took

people with DTO?

Or, for that matter, the Corvette Singery, any year, any model.

All you women have ever done is what? Some French chick invented kryptonite or

something. The important things like beer and meat, that was all men. Yeah,

hard to imagine a woman inventing nuclear weapons.

Exactly, and where would we be without them? And the Nazi blitzkrieg seemed

a male idea, not to mention South African apartheid. How about World War

Crusades? Spanish Inquisition, The Rape of Shanghai.

Men have done a lot of things.

Uh, Elvis Presley. Janis Joplin.

Pat. Joan of Arc.

How about Tammy Baker?

Jim Baker, Jerry Powell, Jimmy Swaggart. Jessica Hunt, Fawn Hall, Donna Wright.

Joseph McCarthy.

Richard Nixon.

Joan Rivers.

Joan Rivers? I like Joan Rivers. I think she's funny.

Well, I think Nixon's funny.

Packing out a trail through the underbrush.

A trail?

Mary, you're just packing in branches on the side.

Yeah, but I just bought the machete. It seemed like a shame not to use it.

Anyway, it's good practice when the jungle really gets thick, you know.

Sometimes I swing two or three, then it's really light.

I think you look really handsome in the set.

Well, thank you, buddy.

Come on, you two. We've got a lot of ground to cover before night.

No, no,

boy, girl, boy, girl.

That's the way you do it in the jungle.

What is that?

Pina Colada.

Where's Bunny?

She's right... Bunny!

Bunny!

Oh, look, it's an old cougar going after a young leopard.

What do you like to eat?

The job milked her good and plenty nutty buddy.

I had a feeling she was holding out on us.

Bunny!

I just found a big kitty.

Where have you been? Don't you know it's dangerous in the jungle?

Don't you know it's dangerous to hold out on your friends?

Move a band -aid.

You don't have any idea where we are.

Carson, I know where we are. I know exactly where we are.

We're, uh... Let me see that. Honey, honey, honey, please.

I know you think you know everything about everything, but when it comes to

reading maps, I happen to be an expert.

All right, now our best chance of finding the piranha woman is to take the

Santa Rosa River. It runs the length of the Avocado Jungle, and it is, I

believe, their primary source of fresh water.

Well, maybe we can build a raft and float downstream.

Yeah, good, whatever.

All right, now, according to my calculations, with the North Star

the moon rising easterly and allowing for a wind factor of five, the river

should be approximately 23 .6 miles away. It should take us about two days

get there.

23 miles?

But the jungle is so lush and green around here. Are you sure it's not

mean... Sweetie, sweetie, sweetie, please.

One thing I know, it's how to read a map.

If you will excuse me, I'm going to go to a little boy's room.

Make yourselves busy.

God, women, you know?

I think you found the river.

Maybe that isn't the north.

Maybe you could put a neat military crease across the front panels of the

and shirt.

Oh, sure.

You sure are a good little homemaker, Bunny.

Thanks. I've been taking home economics for two years now, but I'm switching my

major to feminist studies.

What would you want to do that for?

I want to expand my mind.

Why?

See, I don't know.

Maybe I could become the first woman president or something.

not be ironic.

I followed the river for about half a mile.

There's the wreckage of a small boat felt near the shore.

Now it's salvageable.

We could use it to travel downstream.

I wonder what it was doing this deep into the jungle.

The Patna.

You know it?

Yes.

Yes, I know it.

It was a long, long time ago.

I was young.

Very young.

Stupid.

Very stupid.

I made a mistake.

Arab pilgrims.

Nasty business.

I panicked. I drummed out of the merchant marine.

I spent the next three years of my life crisscrossing the globe trying to live

it down.

I'm sorry. I don't want to talk about it.

Whatever. After that, I crawled into a whiskey bottle. Oh, Tim, please, not the

whiskey bottle.

Poor Tim, he doesn't have a tent.

Bunny, he'll be all right. It's a warm night.

Listen, isn't that beautiful?

It's awfully good.

Have fun.

Yeah.

Daddy loved you.

I doubt that.

That never would have worked out.

He's an egotistical, chauvinistic klutz.

I think he's kind of cute.

Well, maybe I am a little hard on him.

Honey, it's just that he represents my failures.

Failure's you?

Sure will, haven't you?

Can I tell you a secret I've never told anyone before?

Sure.

In a way, Jim is right.

I am afraid of men.

My relationships have been... Well, I've had a lot of women I stand.

A little to drink, you know, give myself an excuse.

And I subconsciously fall for a jerk that I know I'll never be emotionally

involved with.

It's all so empty.

Yes, it is really.

I guess deep down I'm afraid that there can never be any real respect or

equality between the sexes. Not really.

I've avoided commitment because I'm afraid I'll be emotionally dominated by

lover, or equally if that, that I'd dominate him.

It seems kind of strange.

Can I tell you something too, Dr. Hunt? Something I've never told anybody

before. Of course, Bunny. I'm glad we get to share this.

Well, sometimes when I'm with a guy, I would say, tie me up with red licorice

ropes, and then spank me, and then he'd eat the ropes, and then he'd

free me, and then we'd make love with a philharmonic played bolero.

Thank you, Bunny.

You really put my thoughts in perspective.

I feel better, too.

Some red licorice?

Okay. How are you, Bon?

Come on, it's your foot long.

It's on the end. I'll meet you in the middle.

Okay.

Here's your towel.

Let's see if this boat floats. Now, what do you say?

Over here on the left, we have the tribal headhunter and trader.

He's got a special for us today. It's a two -for -one.

Two of his heads for one of yours.

Do we have any takers?

This is incredible. He's memorized the entire speech in the jungle boat ride at

Disneyland. That'll be beautiful.

I can do the tiki room, too. You know everything. Can you steer the boat?

Yeah, I know Adventureland like the back of my hand.

Of course, this total can't be much different.

What was that?

Something under the boat. Something big.

It's probably just a rock.

Hardly. A pit bull, look!

What do you mean, pit bull?

California?

The Palm Springs pit bull. It's a lighter version than its African cousin

because of the local esterol diet.

But it's just as deadly.

I've got it. I'm trying to get the boat.

Yeah by an invisible hippo

What was it that did me in?

Was it a rock?

A spear?

An arrow?

It looks like a knitted potholder to me.

It looks like a tag.

It's a crocheted potholder.

Those piranha women are stupider than I thought.

The only thing they would get attacking us with doilies and potholders and

placemats. My women today are just not the way I thought they'd be.

Well, I don't think it's the piranha women.

Whoever it is, they're gone now.

Let's go investigate.

Wait.

It could have flatware. It might be dangerous.

Why did somebody attack a boat with cotton?

Oh, maybe it wasn't meant as an attack.

Maybe it was meant as an offering.

Offering? God, you don't mean it. Yes.

Who? Oh, let's go back to the boat.

No, we can't go back.

We want to be the first outsiders ever to make contact.

They're disgusting.

Who? They're not disgusting.

You think that anyone who chooses to live their life differently than you

do justice.

Well, different lifestyles have different traditions, Jim.

Slippery worms that I don't have the stomach to look at them. Oh, it's just a

legend, really. But in the Abacara jungle, there's a tribe of men who live

from the Guarana women.

And it's power and fear in them.

They have different cultures, Jim. They're really very caring and

They're a bunch of weenies.

Can they be potholders?

handicrafts for the piranha women, and in return, they don't eat them.

It's kind of a symbiotic relationship.

Kind of an idiotic relationship is more like it.

What are they called?

The Donahues.

Come on out. Don't be afraid.

We won't eat you. We promise.

Don't be afraid.

I'm an ethnographer.

It's a different culture, too.

I think they're sweet.

Thank you. It's beautiful.

Get

off

of me, you puss. Get away.

I'm getting on my knees. Great suffering. Christ, man.

It's all good.

Thank you. No. Oh, yeah. Thank you.

Tim fish casserole is a dream.

And the stuffed bell peppers?

Do you feel good?

Aren't they really good cook?

Really good wimps is what they are.

Why does it bother you so much to see men cooking and performing tasks

relegated to women? They seem happy enough.

You act as if your own masculinity were threatened because another man performs

a supposedly feminine task.

Why don't you just be yourself and let them be who they are?

Because... Sorry, pal.

Because no man can be truly happy acting as a housemaid to a bunch of man

-eaters.

Cooking and sewing just aren't into male hormones.

These poor desperate wretches don't know any better because they don't have any

role models like John Wayne or Stallone. They did. They'd be violent,

emotionally repressed, and narrow -minded.

Just like my heroes.

Strong and masculine and virile.

Hey, buddy, is there any more of that kiwi tart left?

And can I get a chair?

Oh, my.

It's beautiful.

Oh, you made it yourself?

It's wonderful, but really, my apartment is so small, I... Really, I couldn't...

Nice, though. Very nice.

I have a lot of fantasies about being tied up and spanked. I suppose it isn't

very liberated, is it?

What kind of fantasies do feminists have?

Bunny, please go to sleep. We have to get up early and look for the Piranha

Women. What kind of fantasies do Piranha Women have?

Meeting men, I suppose.

Taperiled or baked?

Thank you, Alan Alda.

Oh, great. I could use a drink.

What is it?

Hot chocolate.

Jesus age Christ, men don't bring other men hot chocolate.

Guys, this is no way to live.

What's killing me is I know that deep inside every last one of you beats the

heart of a virile, macho, manly man.

And I'll be goddamned if I sit idly by and watch you all waste away your lives

as a bunch of sniveling, cowardly wimps.

Tonight I'm going to teach you all how to be men.

Men are just how to do it.

Beat it!

There!

See what it is to be a man!

Take it!

Yeah.

Keep drinking. It's funny more where that came from.

All right. Now, we're going to have a little pop quiz here on what we learned.

Pay attention.

Eyes front.

Now, what's that?

Yeah. All right. Here we go.

What's that?

You're riding down the street in your Corvette.

You got one hand on the wheel palming it. You got one eye out looking for the

cops.

The spot out of the corner of your eye, walking down the street in some sexy hot

pants, some buxom teen talent.

You know a dame, a girl, a broad, a wench, a woman.

What do you do?

Maybe one of you can make me some hot chocolate.

Chick. Ron.

Sexy mama.

What?

Hey, hey, baby.

You want to go for a ride in my vet?

I don't know. Where's the park?

Hey, love machine.

Let's do it dirty.

Love machine?

Well, what happened to two new casseroles at needlepoint? I mean, all I

here to do was to ask for some hot chocolate.

Considering how faggy they were acting, it was kind of delightful to see them

finally taking a healthy interest in the opposite sex.

A healthy interest to you means a violent one.

Oh, yeah.

Like your little piranha ones don't resort to violence. They only kill,

up, and eat men.

White's right, and I'm beginning to think that's not the right idea.

Dr. Propeller's stuck again.

There's too much grass in this area.

Look, we're just going to have to drag it downstream where it's deeper water.

Drag it?

Yeah, drag it. You got us into this mess.

Oh, you mean we have to get in the water?

I didn't even bring any trunks.

What, what, leeches?

No, catfish.

Catfish?

Catfish don't bite.

I know, but they swish all around my ankles and it feels icky.

I've always hated catfish, even as a kid.

Look at your feeling and catfish swishes around.

I mean, what if I'd crawl up my pants like it's... Oh, shut up with the

If you want to get back in the boat, get back in the boat.

Margo, I think thou doth protest too much.

So what's that supposed to mean?

You're as mad at me as you're yelling at me.

I'm sure a big doctor like you knows that underneath that means you're just

hiding your true feelings.

Which is?

That you really love me.

I don't love you. I don't even like you.

Then why is your voice quivering as you say that?

My voice is not quivering.

Yes, it is.

It is.

You always tell when a woman's in love because her voice quivers when she

speaks. My voice is not quivering. Why are you getting so emotional?

I'm not emotional.

Quivering again?

I'm not emotional or quivering.

Margot, are you getting your period?

No, I'm not getting my period. It's not due for two weeks.

Why am I telling you this?

Because I care, damn it.

Jimmy, there's a leech in your neck.

Hey,

are you guys having a water fight?

No, we're not having a water fight.

That's when I decided to start my own business.

Everybody said I was crazy, but taking orders from others, that's just not the

way the gym man is made.

Hey, Marga, have some of this. It's great. It's a great dip. It's guacamole.

Of course it's guacamole.

I'm sick of guacamole.

I'm sick of avocados.

I want meat.

Oh, I told you you'd want a Burger King out here.

Maybe a nice juicy steak or a little meatloaf or... Quit looking at me like

that.

You want to eat me, don't you?

I didn't say that.

You were thinking it. I can see that look in your eye. You want to eat me.

Only for a minute.

Moderate feminist.

You women's livers are all alike.

A couple of days out here in the jungle and you turn into savages.

You throw away all that rhetoric about equality and you get down to what you

really want. The domination and consumption of men.

I'm sorry.

I'm hot!

My head for a moment.

You maybe found your true self.

Take a look at her, Bunny.

Take a good hard look.

She wants to eat me.

See for yourself what the woman's movement is really all about.

That's it.

You're dead meat.

No, no, no, no.

Honey, help.

Hey, honey, chill, chill, really. Come on. I'm going to use a nice bounty on

Oh, my God.

I'm losing my mind.

It's this jungle. I'm just losing my mind.

What with having your period and everything.

We've got to go back.

We're going back.

We've just gone too...

Deep into the heart of the jungle.

My neck.

A little too late for that, Margot.

I think they've found us.

Get off it.

Maybe.

They don't look too friendly to me.

Don't worry.

What do you got? Grenade? Gun? No, something all feminist cultures will

understand, no matter how radical or how primitive.

My now membership card.

Pourquoi vous avez le chapeau dans la bouche?

What did you say?

I'm not sure.

It's a strange, difficult language.

Listen.

I'm looking for Dr.

Kurtz. Do you understand me? Dr.

Kurtz. Kurtz?

Yes, Dr. Kurtz. Can you take me to her?

Get your stuff.

Secret temple of the Piranha Woman.

Their architecture is surprisingly advanced.

It's like a big Lego to me.

This must be the altar

room. Hey, guys.

A vegetable juice spa.

This is supposed to be great for the complexion. Jim, don't.

What? Bunny, hand me one of those freos.

What is it?

Piranha. The real thing.

This must be where the piranha women dispose of the fat and bones of their

sacrifices. Very good, Dr. Hunt.

That is quite correct.

Francine Kurtz. Then you are alive.

It's got one of those cute outfit signs.

I have more than just the outfit, Bunny.

The Piranha women have christened me Empress of the Avocado Jungle.

I am their supreme ruler.

I knew the Avocado Board would send someone after me.

But I never suspected it would be another feminist.

After I did away with the army. You mean to say you led those Piranha women

against the soldiers?

Of course.

They violated our jungle sanctuary.

They had to die.

They were pretty delicious, too.

Dr. Kerr, I'm unfamiliar with the academic guidelines at Radcliffe, but I

think any major university would consider warring on the United States

eating prisoners of war a serious breach of ethics.

Always the cautious scholar, huh, Dr. Hunt?

I'm not here to study the piranha women.

I'm here to lead them.

The future of feminism lies in this temple.

You're saying the future of women is in cannibalism?

Face up to the truth. This is a war.

A war between men and women.

Anything short of cannibalism is just beating around the bush. Well, it's

obvious the avocado board sent the wrong scholar to deal with the piranha women.

And you are so obviously the right one.

An academic, so naive, so trusting.

She actually believes there's an avocado shortage.

Yes, that's what they told me, too.

But I was suspicious enough to do a little research in there.

The fact of the matter is, the United States has a massive avocado glut.

They're dumping avocados by the ton into Santa Monica Harbor just to get rid of

them. But if that's the case, then why send me?

You're an ethno -historian. Use your head.

It's not the avocados the government is worried about.

It's the piranha women.

The reactionary male factions are terrified of them.

Terrified of the example a nation of strong women might set for the rest of

country.

After they succeeded in stopping the ERA, in the wake of a mainstream

backlash,

They figured it was the perfect time to wipe out the piranha women for good.

But the reservation's in Malibu.

They're there all right.

I did some research into those, too.

Deluxe condominiums.

Pools. Sauna.

Total luxury living.

Only what they didn't tell you about were the thousands of subscriptions to

Cosmopolitan that were timed for delivery when the piranha women took up

residence.

Not to mention the team of Mary Kay cosmetic saleswomen who were ready to

upon them.

They had a secret plan for doing away with the piranha women.

Something far more sinister than an armored division of infantry.

Cultural assimilation.

Yes.

Within five years, the piranha women would have been just a bunch of bikini

bunnies bouncing around Malibu searching for a good sushi bar.

I know a great sushi bar in Malibu. You go down Sunset, turn right at BCH and...

You see?

They would have all ended up like her.

Now that you're here, you have only one choice.

To join with us.

Become a piranha woman.

I can't do that.

Although I'm discouraged, I can't give up hope that there will be equality

between the sexes.

I cannot allow you to leave the jungle and reveal the secrets of the piranha

women. You either join us, or you all die together.

Then kill us.

Because I'd rather die than compromise my ethical standards.

Hey, speak for yourself.

I'm sure we could round table this whole thing and come up.

You, idiot male, will die anyway.

You look a little tough, but I suppose if you were marinated before cooking...

Take him.

Marinated? Sweetie, that's personogenic. You don't want to... Funny!

Jim!

Scoot me!

Take Dr. Hunt also.

You're outnumbered, Margot.

There are a thousand piranha women in this temple. You haven't got a chance.

You let my friends go or I'll shoot you first.

Go ahead.

Fire on a fellow feminist.

Fire on a fellow anthropologist.

You may not personally agree with my tactics, but you know my only goal is to

help the piranha women maintain their cultural heritage.

Go ahead and shoot.

Shoot her! Do it!

Give the woman what she wants!

It will take some time to make the preparations for your initiation into

tribe of Piranha women.

I will give you until tomorrow morning to make your decision.

If you agree to join us, you will sacrifice your first man.

If you do not agree, you will be thrown into the Piranha pit and you will die.

Painfully.

Take her.

Take the airhead, too.

Franny, don't worry.

You'll save me.

Hey, I hope you know that crack about shooting you is just a joke. That's me

hoisting it nonstop the whole trip.

Have they told you how great you look in that dress? Because, see, it's feminine

and feminist, which is my cause.

Really, feminism. I thought Geraldine Ferraro, for example, cream bush in that

debate. You're going to cook up real good.

Put him with the rest of the men.

Tomorrow we eat him.

You know, I've got a subscription to Miss.

I'm going to interject one thing.

Now, I'm not saying this just to save my hide, but talking strictly nutritional

requirements. If you girls are eating only men, you cannot possibly be getting

everything you need from the four basic food groups.

You guys are pretty big for wimps.

Joke's on you when those broads come back and start picking out ingredients

chicken McMacho.

Anybody got a smoke?

I brought you some food.

Who are you?

I'm Jean -Pierre, your sacrifice for tomorrow.

It is traditional in the tribe of the Piranha women for the sacrificee to

his mistress.

The night before the ceremony.

But you speak English.

Some. I learned it from listening to Dr. Kurtz.

Wow, you must be very smart to have picked it up so quickly without any

training.

Alas, intelligence in males is not valued by the piranha women.

Only muscle tissue.

Well, you certainly have plenty of that.

They force us to work out with weight. It makes the meat more flavorful.

Meat. Oh, thank you. I am hungry.

Very good.

I'm glad.

He was a friend of mine.

Jacques.

Gaston's stuff is really good.

Chewy, but tasty. Kind of like lean pork. What is it?

Jacques? Is that one of those beef substitutes?

Huh?

Whatever it is, Jacques. Good.

You were got on a Nautilus?

Got any more, Dad?

I'd like to speak to Jean -Pierre.

Where is Jean -Pierre?

Oh, he's a friend of yours, Tom.

Well, don't worry, I won't kill him.

God knows I won't eat him.

There is your sacrifice.

If you wish to become a piranha woman, you must first take his body and then

life. What is your decision?

I refuse to kill another human being in cold blood.

However, in deference to your cultural traditions, I would be willing to have

sex with him. Forget it. If you want your cake, you'll have to eat it.

If you do not use this dagger to draw his blood, I will have you thrown into

piranha pit.

I won't join your tribe.

And I appeal to you as a member of the National Academy of Sciences to release

me and my friends and allow us to go on our way. No!

I want to be a piranha woman.

Bunny, what are you saying?

I want to be a piranha woman.

Bunny, damn it, I knew I shouldn't have brought you. You haven't had enough

women's studies for classes.

You're being seduced by the simplicity of the piranha woman's philosophy.

No, I haven't.

That's not one of those cute outfits.

Bunny, listen to me.

Silence her.

Are you sure you want to become a piranha woman?

Yes.

Are you willing to partake in the blood sacrifice initiation?

Well, if you mean to have sex with a guy and then kill him, sure. I'll try it.

I've done weirder things at frat parties.

Then I will allow you to become a piranha.

On one condition.

He shall be your sacrifice.

Well, now you've gone too far, Dr.

Kurtz. I happen to be a pretty good judge of human nature. And as far as our

bunny goes, well, the poor kid happens to be nuts about me. She would never.

Sure, I'll kill him.

Prepare them both for sacrifice.

Tiddles.

What? Just do it.

The sacrifice is at stake. Kill him.

Quick.

Stop them.

Kill them.

Jump.

Let me fight them off from here. Oh, no.

Oh, it's more important that you escape.

Shut up, Pierre.

Will you stop being a sacrifice?

Now come with me.

women have red hair, huh?

Huh?

See, I hope this dye doesn't make my hair frizz. Do you have any conditions

that?

You know, actually, I was thinking that we can go a little shorter this time on

the cut, if that's okay with you. Or maybe if we keep it red, I should keep

long, because now I look like Tiffany, and actually, I was thinking about

picking up singing, so...

Hey, what's this?

A little hot tub action, huh?

I actually like this place.

Oh, yeah.

That's nice.

Hey, you know, you're not such bad young ladies after all.

Probably just had rough childhood, right?

Worked a lot of pot in high school, parents were divorced, that kind of

Oh, yeah. Oh, that's good.

A little lower. A little lower.

Yeah, that's a spot.

That makes circles.

Just kidding.

Boy, it's not a deal. At least a couple of you girls had to treat a man around

this crazy temple.

You know, a lot of you piranha gals, you probably just never met the right guy.

And I bet you you're terrific. Cooked something around here smells fabulous.

It's this bath water.

It should make a hearty soup base, wouldn't it?

Hey.

What's up, Doc?

What's the... Hey, what...

Oh, my God, you're marinating me.

Hey, let me out.

We are the Barracuda women.

We are the sworn enemies of the Piranha women.

If you are escaping from them, you must be our friend.

of years ago, the piranha women and barracuda women were as one, but we

over ideological differences.

What were they?

The piranha women believe that men should be slaughtered and eaten with

guacamole dip.

And do you think that's wrong?

Yes. We believe they should be eaten with clam dip.

That's it?

Clam dip? It's a fundamental principle.

You people have been divided for thousands of years because of a kind of

Oh, that really makes me mad.

Why is it women always argue over such petty differences?

It's no wonder we couldn't get the ERA passed.

Men can always seem to agree on football and beer.

Well, that's it.

We're going back to the Piranha Women's Temple.

The women of this jungle must unite.

And I'm going to settle a score with a certain renegade ethnographer.

like being a piranha woman.

What you do is you set up a joint committee consisting of equal numbers of

piranha women and arachnid women. You meet bi -weekly, air any differences

might arise.

And it's really that simple.

So what we'll do is we'll organize...

Yum!

Onward, women!

Okay,

let's see. So, she's going to make love to me. That's good.

But she's going to tell me and eat me.

That's bad.

I can't ever have a completely good day.

Here, Bunny.

Drink of the elixir of the piranha women.

Let the sacrifice begin.

Honey, please, put away that knife.

You don't know what you're doing. This whole crazy jungle's got you all mixed

up.

I know what I'm doing.

I want to become a piranha woman.

Oh, my God.

Your eyes.

It's strange. It looks like the piranha woman has changed the color of your

eyes.

What am

I

going to say?

Oh, yeah.

Kill him.

Now.

Kill him.

I can't do it.

I can't.

I love him.

Put them both in the piranha pit.

Yeah, that water's really going to stain this outfit.

Wait!

What now?

According to the traditions of the piranha women, I challenge the Empress

Avocado Jungle to a battle for the right to the throne.

That is your right.

But I warn you, Margo, you haven't got a chance.

We'll see.

You handle yourself fairly well.

I studied ancient Westernry at Berkeley.

Professor Barrett?

No, Professor Johnson.

Professor Johnson at Stanford.

Enough preliminaries.

Why don't you tell the Piranha Women the real reason you became their leader?

What are you talking about?

I found you a study.

I read your notes.

The outline for your book.

You don't care about piranha women.

You just want to write a book about your experiences.

That's the truth.

My Life as a Piranha Woman by Francine Kirk.

Catchy. Like the bestseller list.

The media hyped it. The last book was fading. You needed something new to get

back on the top shelf, Kirk.

That's it.

Well, what's better than an expose on the piranha women's lives?

Want to go away?

Yeah.

Where are those red liquor shops?

Sure, in my backpack.

You were going to exploit their culture and traditions for a cheap paperback

potboiler. A kid sacrificed some tell book.

All right. Anybody want to get an action on Margo? The point spreader three

against Dr. Curd.

Huh? Anybody in on this?

Shit.

It's true.

I was planning a book.

But it was going to be a scholarly work.

Oh, hardly current.

You've spent too much time in the jungle.

I'm a primitive yourself.

I read my notes.

Field methodology is sloppy.

Conclusions shaky. Even Sarah Heights can get away with a generalization. You

making her outline.

You're no better than the chauvinist who sent us here.

You'd exploit the piranha woman for your own aggrandizement.

You don't understand.

I had...

I had to do it.

I'd been on the talk show circuit for six months.

The token feminist.

The butt of every bra -burning joke.

You don't know what it's like trying to face David Letterman with a book on male

insensitivity.

I needed something more. I thought... Piranha women.

Cannibalism.

Who could laugh at me then?

Stay back!

Right.

I was exploiting the piranha whip.

You don't know what it was like.

David Letterman.

God.

The horror.

The horror of that show.

The horror.

You're very wise, Dr. Hunt. Now all the women of the jungle shall be united.

Now that you are united, you may want to reconsider your relationships with the

men in your tribe.

There are other ways of relating to them besides as foodstuffs.

We shall consider what you have said and discuss it at our bi -weekly committee

meetings.

Farewell. May you make it safely home.

Keep in touch.

Okay. There you go.

Where's my gun?

Oh, the gun.

Hey,

let me carry the gun.

Just to the edge of the jungle.

Come on. I mean, you drove and everything. Let me carry the gun.

You know, all the planet chicks are watching.

I should carry the gun.

Hey, it's not loaded, is it?

After the medical checkup with the value descriptions, there'll be tea with

Nancy Reagan.

Day two, we will start out with a seminar by Corn Hall on office

Then...

Then comes the political orientation.

Yeah, we got Phyllis Schlafly on standby.

Hopefully it won't be long before Miss Hunt rounds these girls up.

Ford, I gotta hand it to you. Using a feminist to dupe a bunch of feminists.

Well, women aren't that smart.

Women.

Hey, how's your wife?

It's over.

Dr. Hunt.

How long have you been standing there?

You didn't hear... Anything I didn't already know.

Oh, Francine told me all about your dirty little plan.

Kurtz? Then you found her?

David Letterman keeps calling, but we don't know what to tell him.

I'm afraid Dr.

Kurtz won't be doing any more talk shows.

She's dead.

Dead?

She died trying to protect the cultural heritage of a primitive society.

Not so fast, Professor.

We're not finished with you yet.

Your, uh, your university... Nothing's going to happen to my university.

Except that the Defense Department will provide a generous grant to Feminist

Studies for research on expanding women's opportunities in the military.

Otherwise, I go on the David Letterman show myself and tell him about the

Marines and the millions of dollars of equipment lost in the avocado jungle.

Not to mention the diversion of funds to pay for Malibu condos and subscriptions

to Cosmopolitan.

I can just imagine the sarcastic look on David's face when he... You won't.

Don't tempt me.

Women.

I want to talk to you.

Bunny, what's going on? I'm getting married to Jim in ten minutes, but I

know. Do you think I'm doing the right thing?

Well... I mean, wouldn't you be better? Getting married, being a housewife,

having a bunch of kids, watching Jim get old and fat, or... or finish school and

become the first woman president.

Well, Bunny, that's a particularly personal decision.

Well, I'd rather just be a housewife, but I just don't want to disappoint you

after all you've taught me about... Bunny... Honey, you don't have to live

life to please me. The important thing is that you're happy.

And as for what I've taught you, well... Listen, I've always believed that every

woman should get as much education and intellectual stimulation as possible.

And that she should develop her mental abilities to their utmost potential.

But in your case... Well, there's just no point.

Really? Then I should marry him.

If that's what you want.

And I take it we have your blessing?

Don't push it.

Thank you.

Then I will marry Tim.

But I just feel so sorry for you.

I mean, I'm going to be leaving you here all alone, and you're going to be

losing one of your best students.

Oh, who?

Me.

Oh.

Well, don't worry, Bunny.

There'll be other students.

Well, this is it, Miss Hunt.

Jean -Pierre, good to see you. Did you get all the classes you wanted? Yes, I

got all the courses you told me to take.

Introduction to feminism, understanding human relationships, the sensitive male.

I want to thank you so much for helping me, doctor.

Oh, my pleasure.

Call me Margot.

So, two tribes of cannibal women go to war over a recipe?

Uh, ladies, that's why they have bake -offs. Hello?

All that talk about eating made me hungry, though.

But I really don't feel like slaving over a hot slave.

So maybe I'll have the liver of the delivery guy with some fava beans.

Hmm. Let me just take a look at the menu.

Get it?

Then forget it.

Let's see.

See, I could have some Mandarin Chinese.

I just love some young guy.

Or maybe Thai.

Hmm. I hear Thai guys taste like chicken.

That's what they said about Frogman.

Hmm, I haven't had any good Italian in a while. Maybe I'll have some spaghetti

and meatballs and have them hold the balls.

Gluten -free Mano Cotti stuffed with Romano cheese.

Ooh, Free Range Park Ranger.

Hot dog on a bun.

Except you never know whose wiener you're going to get or whose buns.

Okay, just remember, if you're going to stuff yourself with sausage, make sure

you have a condiment.

Oh, homemade vanilla ice cream.

Glad he makes it at home. He could get arrested for that in public.

Holy no, I had that for breakfast.

Oh, sound man. That sounds pretty good.

Marinated muscle man.

I'm just nodding to beef with steroids.

Poached sound man with mango chutney.

Ew, creamy semen chowder.

Ew.

Fresh caught.

Fishermen. I don't really care for freshmen. I prefer juniors and seniors.

Cured ham.

Except how do you know they're really cured?

I don't know. I can't decide what I want to throw up later.

Most of this stuff tastes like man -ore.

Oh well, I think I'll just pick up some guy on the way home.

So until I see you next time, remember, you are what you eat.

So be careful who you eat, because you might wake up with unpleasant dreams.

Excuse me.

Thank you.