Original subtitles

Hello, darling. It's me, that slinky twinky with the love of the kinky,

Mistress of the Dark, a .k .a. E -M -O -T -D.

And have I got a movie for you.

Well, not yet. I still haven't gone through my trash can.

I am the diva of dumpster divers.

You know what they say, one man's trash is another man's garbage.

And speaking of garbage, let's find something to watch, shall we?

Shoo! Shoo! Shoo!

Joe, go find your own crappy movies.

Whoa.

You asked for it.

Take that!

Ow, that was stupid of me.

Next time I think I'll use insect spray.

Oh, well, let's see. What do we have here?

Oh, hideous, which sounds hideous.

Uh, hideous.

Hideous.

Hideous.

Hideous? Wait a sec. All these movies are hideous.

That is the last time I steal Charles Band's trash cans.

So, take your choice, darling. It's either hideous or hideous.

All right. The polls are now closed and America has voted.

And the winner is hideous.

Honey, you just made me a very happy girl.

Well, I do what I can with what I got in the can.

And what I got is...

All right, you boys.

I know you're both new, so this may seem a bit strange and unfamiliar to you at

first.

You just got to pace yourself, that's all.

That's the key.

Keep the sewage flowing.

That's the idea.

Something bad comes into the trap, it's our job to fish it out.

Fish it out, dump it in the bin.

That's it.

Basic.

Hey! Five bucks.

Save it for your retirement.

Oh, that's nothing.

I once fished a kilo of heroin out of the trap.

Turned it over to the police, of course.

Yeah.

Find all sorts of stuff.

Diamond rings.

Necklaces.

Want to know a little secret?

My latest engagement ring?

Got it right here.

Whoa, shit. Way to start a marriage.

I want 50 women's handouts.

Fingerprints cut them.

Ew, I hope that's not where you got the ring.

You know, don't want it around?

Flush it down.

Bullshit. Oh, we get them.

Four or five a year.

Sometimes, like, they ain't got no arms and legs and shit.

You know, deformed.

Sometimes we get things don't rightly know what the hell they are.

I reckon I've seen just about everything that can come out of a super pipe.

What the hell is this?

Come on, Martin, what is it?

Hell, it's just one of them things.

Holy shit.

Man.

So what is it?

Well, like I said, it's one of them things.

What do we do with it?

I'll take care of it. That's my responsibility as head of the shift.

So you two can relax. Everything's under my control.

Well, that's the whole point, George.

I knew you had a bicephalic fetus. I sold it to you.

That's why I know that little two -headed darling's a boy.

This one I got now as a girl. You'll have a match set.

Yeah, that's how I like to work.

Well, now I think we're talking somewhere along the lines of $12 ,500

delivery.

Yes, George.

Honey, honey, I know the two -headed babies ain't as rare as once they were,

you can't exactly pick one up at Sears, now can you? Try Target.

International Medical Specimens Inc., Alvina speaking.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Okay, now, hold on. I'll see if Ms. Yost is free.

Miss Yost, she's, like, on another call sort of thing.

Do you think you can hold?

Yeah. Yeah, I can hold.

Okay, sweetie.

Honey, honey, I gotta tell you.

When I first looked into those two pairs of baby blues peeking out at me from

that bottle of denatured alcohol, I thought of you.

But, you know, your Belinda doesn't believe in the hard sell. I mean, you

interested. I pick up the phone. This little two -headed angel's going to be

flying to somebody else.

Georgie boy, this is a no -deposit, no -return kind of business.

Want to come on down, take a look?

That's fine.

You like the little angel, you give me a certified check, cash and carry.

Well, I look forward to seeing you, too.

Right.

You got it. You are so good.

Elvina? Is that guy from the sewer still on hold?

Well, he's still on the line, but I can't... Fine, fine, fine. I think the

thing ain't working. Never mind.

Martin, Angel, long time no hear.

Where have you been hiding yourself?

Uh -huh.

Mm -hmm.

Say that again?

No, no, no, just describe it.

Yeah.

Yeah?

I'll be right down.

Alvina, call up Mr. Lazar.

Tell him they have something really hot coming in.

Tell him to meet me down in cold storage and... Oh, shoot, an hour.

What about Dr. Lorca? I mean, I thought we were supposed to... Honey, honey, if

I wanted a thinking receptionist, you'd be working at Burger King, okay?

Now pick up the phone and call Mr.

Lazar. I've got to run.

Well, can I take... Lon?

Dr. Lorca, this is Alvina Shaw from... Well, you know.

Well, you know how you told me to call you if... Why, yes, she is.

Just like you suspected, I bet.

Uh -huh. Mr. Lazar.

That's right.

Uh -huh.

Sure, sure, as soon as I find something out.

Uh -huh.

Well, thank you.

Sheila, this world is full of dishonest people.

Do tell, Doc.

I have paid this woman, this Belinda Yost, a costly retainer for years, to

guarantee that I will have the first opportunity to buy her unusual specimen.

Don't have to tell me. I'll write the checks.

And now she has gone behind my back.

And to whom do you think?

Smithsonian? That would be bad enough. But she's sneaking behind my back with

that gauche, undiscriminating collector of medical garbage, Napoleon Lazar.

How can I continue to do business with this dishonest woman?

Doc, you want my opinion?

Perhaps. You say the world is full of dishonest people.

I say, if you can't beat them, join them.

So, has Miss Yost said anything more about the specimen?

Um, nope.

Nope. Ah, well.

Well, Miss Yost.

Vive le Napoleon.

Just hold on one sec, and I'm going to show you something that'll knock your

socks off.

When I leave in the middle of a board meeting, I expect to have my socks

knocked. Have I ever disappointed you?

Occasionally. Oh, now, don't be like that.

Well, Marty boy, have I made you happy?

You sure have.

If I find anything else... Well, just give me a call.

Alvina, why don't you show Martin on out?

Um... Yeah, sure.

Come on.

And close the door on your way out.

Sir, you're about to spend a huge quantity of money.

Well, it's always good to know these things.

In fact, I'm going to tell you exactly what you're going to do.

In about 60 seconds, you're going to pick up your portable phone. You're

to call someone.

You're going to have them deliver to me a certified check for $650 ,000.

How eccentric of me.

In addition, you're going to sign some documents I got tucked in here.

Somewhere.

Said documents constituting a guarantee to purchase no less than $250 ,000 of

medical specimens from me per year for the next ten years.

How generous of me.

I give you a check.

I agree to purchase a quarter of a million dollars of your medical

Per year for the next ten years.

Per year for the next ten years.

My goodness.

Whatever has come over me.

Napoleon. You're sweet, but I can see right through you and to the other side,

my friend.

I got three drunks, two junkies, and six fat people in my immediate family

alone. I know when someone's hooked on something, I know all the signs.

I just name my price, and I won't negotiate.

If the air's too thin for you, then there's no reason for me to open this

I won't get more from anybody else, I know that.

But this is what I want.

And if you won't give it to me, then I'll take less.

From Lorca.

Don't mention that medical fraud, that cadaverous Castilian dilettante.

Honey, you're either in the game or you're not.

Open the box.

Please. It's real, all right.

Don't think I would have bought it otherwise.

It ain't no piltdown, baby.

Alphonse, attend, please.

You are to go to Mr. Willetson at our special bank.

You are to have him draft a certified check for $650 ,000 made out to Ms.

Belinda Yost. That's right.

Repeat, please.

That is correct.

You are then to hand -carry that check to me here at International Medical

Specimens.

Estimate time, please.

Make it snappy -nappy.

Thank you.

That will be acceptable.

And Alphonse.

Don't be late.

You'll have your check within two hours.

Honey, you just made me a very happy girl.

The documents please.

The little pigeon is on his way.

Roger Wilco, over and out.

This is my private road.

Yes,

yes.

Are you alive?

You know you shouldn't be here.

You!

Don't move, little froggy! Whoa, don't point those things at me.

What is this?

It ain't Candy Cameron. Open the door!

You try anything funny, I'll fill you with so many holes people will be able

read through you. My wallet is in my inside pocket.

Move!

Shut up! Up against that tree!

Girl, why not put a paper bag over your head like the rest of your dates? Why

offend the gorillas?

And what do you do walking around like that with no top on?

I'm free. I'm proud.

I'm woman.

Now wrap your arms around that tree.

You realize, of course, you're going to go to jail for this. I know.

That's why I keep coming back to my life of crime.

It's because I like being in jail.

Trouble is, they keep letting me out. Think I'd get a longer sentence with

murder.

How amusing.

I happen to have an excellent sense of humor.

Sit tight for a minute.

Oh, brr.

This scene is making my nipples hard just watching it.

Wait. There's nothing of value in there.

Where are you going? The beach?

It's a biological specimen.

It's dangerous.

Contagious.

Wow. Cool.

This is going to be a real ass -breaker party.

No, no, no. You can take anything else. Take the car.

I already got a car.

Listen, listen.

I'll give you more money.

What are you going to do?

No,

no, no. Wait. Come back. Please.

Please.

Come back, you thief.

Please. You hoe.

I'll kill you.

I'll kill you.

It's magnificent.

I've never seen anything like it.

No one has.

There never has been anything like this.

Never.

It's... It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Quickly, one of the large jars.

Can do.

There you are, my treasure.

This is your new home.

Here you will be appreciated.

Love.

Doc, you two want to be left alone?

Yes.

Yes.

I think we do.

I won't be having dinner tonight, Edmund.

Well, I will.

See you later, Doc.

Don't forget the preservative.

Can do.

And Sheila, thank you so much for this.

My pleasure, Doc.

I always knew I'd make a great highway robber.

I'm going to go take care of the car.

Quick, Van.

She can't die quick enough for me.

One.

Okay, let me just see if I can get this straight in my head.

There are these guys who sell freaks in bottles.

And you're like this class A, big time freak collector.

Biological oddities.

You're right.

And like your job is, selling the freaks in the bottles that this guy buys.

That's right.

You're like the chief freak broker in this freak collecting underground.

Remember the skeleton of the elephant man? Michael Jackson wanted to buy it.

He didn't get it.

He didn't come to me.

Yeah.

And now my problem is, you sell this really hot shit freak to him for some

undisclosed sum, and somebody rips it off at gunpoint.

And keeps me handcuffed to a tree for the next 14 hours.

So why don't you go to the police?

Well... The thing is, Mr. Cantor, although what we do is not considered

it has a... Oh, what's the word?

Creepy? Unsavory reputation.

The legal situation is, well, a rather gray area.

And we want to keep it gray.

There's no police.

We know where my specimen is.

We can't be sure.

Oh, I can be sure. It was stolen by one of the most depraved, immoral, and

covetous creatures on the face of the earth.

Dr. Emilio Lorca.

I take it he has an interest in this stuff.

I am a serious collector.

Lorca is a... A dabbler, a dilettante. How did this Lorca guy know that you had

this goober?

I would very much like to know the answer to that question myself.

Could your phone or your office be bugged? I check my offices bimonthly.

This is a business that requires discretion, and the last time was only

ago.

You're a receptionist?

My receptionist is a performing chimp in human disguise.

She's too stupid to be dishonest.

Ms. Yost, I've yet to meet a person that stupid.

She the cupcake out in the waiting room?

Yes, she's the cupcake.

Elvina.

Send her in.

Hi, Elvina.

Hi there.

You know what's going on here?

Um, well... Take your time.

Yeah?

Yeah, you do.

Okay, now, listen carefully.

Dr. Lorca, he was arrested early today.

He told the police that you helped him steal the freak from Mr. Lazar here.

That fucker! He told the police that you were the one who actually stuck the gun

in Mr. Lazar's face and left him handcuffed to a tree.

Nuh -uh.

Not me. All I did was I... He said the whole thing was your idea.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God. I'm sorry, baby, but it looks like jail for you.

Doc's a respected man. You're not.

He's cutting a deal right now.

You know, it'll go a lot easier for you with the judge if you just confess.

No. No, I swear on my honor, cross my heart, hope to die. All I did was just

tell him about the specimen.

I didn't know nothing else.

And I put up with your typing for three years because I thought you were too

stupid to stab me in the back?

You're fired.

You're fired from everywhere. You're fired from the fucking universe.

Huh?

The police don't know anything about Dr. Lorca.

I lied to you.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Well, well, I lied to you, too.

Ow! You ungrateful little poodle dog.

You broke your word to Dr. Lorca. He was supposed to have first dibs. And what

are you?

Defender of the fucking public morals?

You're an evil, corrupt person.

She takes drugs.

She doesn't wear any panties.

She has sex in her office with all these men on her desk. You ungrateful little

poodle. Ladies, ladies, ladies.

Fucking ladies, knock it off. Knock it off.

Hey, Miss Yost, normally I'm all in for a good catfight. But seeing as you are

paying me $160 now for my time, you might want to consider calling this one

draw for right now.

Well, I think I'm going to leave now.

Oh, actually, I think you're going to stay.

Because even though they haven't caught Dr.

Lorca yet, it's still a possibility.

And that makes you an accessory before the fact.

It means when you called Dr. Locker and told him about the goober, you helped

him to steal it in the eyes of the law.

Nuh -uh.

No, uh -huh.

So if you want to stay out of the clutches of the highly immoral and

diverse females of county jail, your full -time job from now until I say so

getting back the aforementioned freak.

You understand?

Look, do what I say, you stay out of jail.

Got it?

Yeah.

So, you see, my suspicions were firmly grounded.

That intellectual fraud Lorca is probably pawing my specimens right now

thick, clumsy fingers.

Touching.

Probing it.

Violating it.

Inserting instruments into the most... We get the idea, Nappy.

So what do we do now?

Simple. You call up Dr. Lorca and tell him you need to talk to him about a new

specimen. Something he's sure to be interested in. But that you need to come

over and see him in person.

Now, you don't want to let on that you suspect him or even know that Mr. Lazar

here got robbed.

Make it convincing.

Make him want to invite you over.

That'll be as hard as force -feeding chocolate cake to a fat boy, then what?

All four of us take a little ride over to Lorca's and get back your goober.

Aren't you glad you installed the closed -circuit camera like I told you?

Yes.

You're very clever indeed.

You see, Lazar is with him as you suspected, but who is the other

man?

Muscle, I'll bet.

Should I tell him to get lost?

No. That might drive them to the police.

They have no proof.

I'll see them in the parlor.

Everything is under control.

Quite a little castle you got here, Doc.

Yes. It originally stood on the Rhine.

I had it torn down and reassembled here, with modern conveniences.

What do you keep in all these rooms?

Maybe we should take a little tour of your castle.

Really? With or without my permission?

Ah, come on, Doc.

You're too smart to play dumb.

You see the cast of characters here?

You know what's going on.

Of course.

I admit, I spoke to your receptionist. You and I had an arrangement this year.

I had the right to assure myself that that arrangement was being honored,

it was not. Did you have the right to send your vixen to waylay me?

I never saw you before in my life, Froggy.

Slut. You cheap slut.

Hey, that's what I don't mind.

But I'm a costly slut.

Deal with it.

Settle down. Settle down.

Do you mind?

The fact that Ms. Shaw spoke to me is not evidence that I committed any crime.

Certainly not evidence that you could take to the police.

Certainly not evidence that would get you a search warrant.

We don't want to go to the police unless you force us to.

And of course we will.

But then maybe nobody gets the goober.

You go to jail and you could lose your entire collection.

Even if I were to believe that you would go to the police, go to the police with

what?

At which point, Dr. Lorca then told me that he meant to steal the specimen from

Mr. Lazar and that further he intended to employ his female assistant, whose

name is Sheila, in furtherance of his plan.

Well, shoot.

I don't want to go to jail.

There are lesbians there.

I always thought that was one of the advantages.

So you see, Dr. Lorca, if I don't get it, no one will have it.

Ms. Yost, I am prepared to match whatever Mr.

Lazar offered you to the penny.

Well, Dr. Lorca, you must understand that it really... It's not up to her.

The specimen is my property.

She cannot sell what is not hers to sell. I have the right of first refusal

any specimen, a right for which I paid.

Gentlemen. That's a matter for the courts to decide. Don't be childish, my

little Emilio.

You know, I always find it amusing that a man like you inherits, what, $50

million?

And starts to think he's really wealthy.

Well, I'm afraid that you're playing altogether outside your league.

Reconcile yourself.

Some things are simply too rich for your blood.

I am a serious, committed collector, not some amateur.

I, sir, am a gourmet of the unusual.

You are nothing more than a gourmand. I have the most complete collection of...

Of biological trash.

You come here barking at my door like a mongrel. Very well. I challenge you.

Even a man who putters through life in a creaky succession of little lime -green

Honda Civics knows the superiority of the Rolls -Royce when he sees it with

own eyes.

I will show you my specimen.

If you can claim in good conscience that a single specimen of yours surpasses

one of my own in perfection, then I am prepared to assure you that your missing

specimen will be returned.

If not, then you will disappear from my life forever.

And I will hear from you and your cohorts no more.

And matters stand as they are.

Do you accept my challenge?

Gladly.

What's with all this table -sitting stuff, anyway?

It's just part of my incredibly cute persona.

Gotta admit, you are pretty cute.

With the vets and the hot pants and stuff.

You know, most women would be a bit uncomfortable seeing company dressed

that. But you pull it off nicely.

Thank you.

So what's with you and the doc, anyway?

You were, like, raised by wolves or something, and he found and educated

No. I answered an ad in the Sunday Herald.

Doc was looking for a personal assistant.

You know, someone to clean the castle, take care of his specimens, keep his

books, write his checks.

And he hired you?

I must say, it worked out rather nicely for the both of us.

I have to admit, there aren't many places in this big, wide world for

eccentric and potentially dangerous as myself fits in. I can't argue with that.

I mean, that look would definitely not fly if I say I like a dental hygienist.

Man, these little bitty sandwiches are good.

What's in there?

Salmon? Salmon pate and watercress. I made the pate myself.

Well, I'm glad to see you're enjoying your little sandwiches at $160 an hour,

Mr. Cantor.

I live to serve, Miss Yost, but my service is no longer required.

I want you to know who the hell is keeping you.

So where are we at, Doc?

Where are we at, you ask?

Well, I am here sampling some of Sheila's delicious pâté and

watercress sandwiches.

He's so sweet.

You, Mr. Cantor, and Ms. Alvina Shaw are cooling your collective heels.

Sheila is being her usual charming self.

And Mr. Lazar is in my study, having his soul slowly and inexorably crushed in

an hydraulic press.

Ooh, that looks like a jar of pickled pig's feet.

Where my hot sauce at?

This planarian.

This planarian.

It's five times larger than any specimen known to science.

Oh, and the condition.

I can count the spines on the anterior palps.

My life.

A shame.

You're inhuman.

Then you admit defeat?

Yeah.

No.

That was only part of your collection.

What about the human specimens, hmm? And you think I would have lower standards

for our own species than for flatworms? Oh, no, Park, just show me. Very well.

Right this way, please.

Follow me.

What? Me too?

By all means, especially you, my dear.

My babies! They're gone!

Where are they?

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah!

Ah!

Can we

go

to settle down here? I swear to God, you two.

Make me ashamed to be in this lot of work. You'll never get away with this.

Neither will you. Where are my babies? What have you done with them? I don't

know what you're talking about.

Liar. You were in the study alone. No one else could have touched you. Quiet

down, you two. Behave yourselves.

Listen, you were only out of the study for a minute.

How could he have found this place, hidden the goobers, and got back out in

length of time? I don't know.

Perhaps Mr. Lazar can answer that question himself.

And look, his alcohol splattered all over the place, and there is none on Mr.

Lazar.

Look. On the floor.

It's just splatters.

No, no, no, no. Look.

Nothing inside.

And just what are you suggesting?

That my specimens broke out of their bottles and climbed through the wall

No, this is altogether too conveniently theatrical a display for my tastes.

I want my babies back.

And none of you are leaving here until I get them.

You knew your pitiful collection of human oddities could never match mine.

So you staged this absurdity. You intended this all along.

Well, you Castilian swine, the deal is off.

I want my specimen back.

Wait a sec, wait a sec, wait a sec. You think you can hide behind your lies or

this buffoon? Hey, now, hold on. You caught me by surprise.

I will never let that happen again. I said wait a second.

I don't care what any of you says. This is just not normal.

Boy, there's today's understatement. That's enough.

I will have my babies back.

Sheena, seal the castle.

What did you just do?

Just listen.

This is a major fucked up shit.

Ah, you noticed.

Good, I'm glad I'm getting my money's worth.

I should be charging you hazard pay for, like, psychological trauma.

Aren't you glad you installed the case -hardened steel shutters like I told

I believe the original intention was to keep people out, not in. Work both ways.

Enough of this nonsense.

Open the doors.

Emilio, I am very disappointed in you. Really?

Well, the disappointment is mutual.

Now listen carefully, everyone.

No one is leaving here until my specimens are returned.

What? Me too?

Oh, no. You can go.

Oh, thank God.

So now how do I get out of here? She was being sarcastic, you moron. Huh?

Well, that's not very funny.

Stealing is one thing, but kidnapping is something altogether different.

And assault and battery.

I shouldn't have to point out that we outnumber you. Plus, Mr. Cantor is

Uh, no, I'm not.

What? I don't carry a gun.

I don't even own one.

$160 an hour, and you don't have a gun?

Who the hell do I look like, Mannix?

You want a bodyguard? Get a bodyguard.

You pay me for my skills as an investigator, my experience, and my

prowess. Christ.

Well, even though Mr. Cantor doesn't have a gun, he's clearly a match for the

both of you physically.

You can't fight, can you?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Plus, with the four of us?

We outnumber you four to two.

Actually, it's eleven to four.

What? Me, the doc, and nine silly little millimeters.

As in nine millimeters, semi -automatic shoots a clip at twenty slugs in half a

second.

Aren't you glad I had you buy it for me?

Indeed I am.

Please, everyone, sit down.

What, me too?

Yes!

Now, I am not, despite recent events, an unreasonable person.

However, let me make it perfectly clear that if my specimens are not returned to

me and in perfect condition, none of you are going to get out of here alive.

And rest assured, if they have been harmed in any way, whatever you have

them, I will do to you.

I'm glad you're not being unreasonable.

Mr. Cantor.

Mr. Cantor.

Every man has an overriding passion.

A thing for which he will do anything.

A thing for which he will kill.

For men like me, even like Mr. Lazar, it's the pursuit of biologically

unique oddities.

For Miss Yost, it's money.

For the ineluctable Miss Shaw, who can say?

Bingo, perhaps.

Huh?

Enough, please.

Now, my dear Sheila is going to take you upstairs to a little room we have.

More of a storage closet, actually. You will be locked in, then we will search

this house.

If we find my baby in good condition, I will be inclined toward leniency.

Otherwise, now.

Before we drag this whole thing out, does someone perhaps have something to

Yeah. I think all of you, inclusive, are off to see the wizard.

First of all, there's no way any of us could have pinched you little goobers.

Second of all, even if we did, who cares?

Third, the whole freak thing, the buying, the selling, the trading, it's

It's fucked up.

So why don't we just go home?

You two guys can get yourself a life.

Collect your stamps. Join the Y. Go to local politics. Go on a date.

Something.

Well, that was pretty pathetic.

What, me too?

Yes! All right.

Everybody's yelling at me.

You're trying to do the right thing. You're trying to help somebody out, and

this is what happens?

Come on, pigeons. This way to the coop.

Oh, don't be so gloomy.

The Van Gogh, look.

It's probably already infected.

Ms. Yost. Look, we're all adults here.

Don't be laying no grief on me.

I gotta pee.

Don't let us stop you.

What? What, what, in front of everybody?

That, that's gross!

Hey, knock it off!

Hey, baby, you wanna go up here and try this for a while? You don't like it?

Move. Talk about a dog shit day.

You know, as I show you, you work for squirrels, you end up nothing.

All right.

Pass me up something heavy.

How much do you weigh, Alvina?

Huh?

Hey, knock it off. My arms are getting tired.

Excuse me?

All right, day clear.

Well, you sure knew how to build them back then.

Well, what are you going to do now?

Damn.

Oh, he's reading one of my favorite books, How to Look Hideous by Paris

The hell's that bang for?

What? What is it?

Where is it coming from?

It's on the side of this wall.

Who could it be?

More of Lorcas.

Prisoners, no doubt. We may have dozens for all we know.

That's a confident thought.

I don't suppose

anybody here knows Morse code?

Unless it's a telegraph operator on the other side of the wall, it really

doesn't matter much now, does it?

I guess not.

Hey, other side of the wall.

Can you hear me?

Knock twice if you can hear me.

Are you prisoners too?

Knock twice if you are.

Hey, so are we.

We're locked in this closet.

Are you locked in too?

Knock twice if you are.

Can you get out of your room?

If he can hear you, why is he knocking at all?

Why doesn't he just answer?

Maybe he's a deaf mute.

Elvina, if he were deaf, how could he hear the questions?

Well, maybe he... I don't know.

All right, clear out of my way.

All right, you out there.

We're locked in this closet.

And as you probably know, the entire freaking castle is sealed up tighter

lockjaw. Don't look too good for us, and it probably don't look too good for you

either. You help us, we'll help you. What do you say?

All right, can you get out of wherever you're at?

All right, baby, this is a $64 ,000 question now. Can you unlock this door

get us out?

Does that mean you can't?

Am I boring you?

Listen.

Hey, are you out there or not?

Honey, honey, can you unlock this door and get us out?

How's it coming?

What the hell?

Don't lock the open?

I bet it's a kid.

Maybe a little kid.

I can't make head nor tail to that.

It says door lock how open.

Listen up. You need to get a crowbar.

It's a metal bar with an edge to slip between the door and the jam.

You understand?

How many of you are out there?

My baby, it makes no sense.

None of them could have gotten upstairs without being seen, unless I would have

had to walk through this room in order to reach the rest of the house.

Where could they be?

Unless... Unless he put them in the acid bath, after all.

Perhaps his overinflated ego couldn't accept utter defeat at my hands.

Perhaps... My baby...

Doc, can I give you some advice?

Yes.

Yes.

Someone upstairs in that closet has to have a pretty good idea what happened to

your babies.

Let's motivate them.

Yes.

And we'll start with Lazar.

I think they've got it.

Do you have it? Do you have the crowbar?

Okay. Stand back.

That's it.

It's coming.

Keep it up.

I'll pay you $100 ,000 if you can get me out of this house.

Look. My specimen.

My specimen.

It's alive.

This closet certainly doesn't seem so bad.

I think that would be numbered among the possibilities, yes.

Miss Yost, I dare them.

What? Listen to me, all of you.

I'll give you a million dollars each if you help me catch them and get them out

of here.

Are your brains fried? What are you talking about?

What? For a million dollars?

I'll help.

Hey, I gotta look to the future. I mean, since I'm unemployed.

I'm in.

For two million.

What? Hey, if she's getting a million, I'm worth at least two.

Very well. Done.

I take it you're sitting this one out, Mr. Cantor? Well, hold on a second here.

Hasn't anybody noticed anything strange?

Like what?

Like the fact that these freaks are, like, alive.

I mean, that's a little bit odd. Even for you.

I mean, you guys are all Dr. Locke's freaks, right?

You're all pickled and bottled, dead. I mean, somebody, correct me if I'm wrong

here, but this is not normal.

These guys no longer fall into the category of being like biological

Well, of course I understand that.

They are unique biological oddities.

Babes, you're...

You're alive.

Get one of those blankets.

No. No gun.

We can't risk injuring them.

Doc, this is really not normal.

That's what I said.

Get away from them, Lorca. They're coming with me.

Really? And where do you think you're going?

I'm going to give them the home that they deserve.

Gourmet food.

Sophisticated entertainment.

The finest entertainment. Education.

A gymnasium.

Anything.

Anything you want.

Don't listen to him.

Who kept you safe in your bottles?

Who tended you? Who loved you?

Don't listen to that man. To him, you'll never be more than another notch in his

belt. Oh, don't believe him.

All he wants to do is put you on a pedestal.

I... I respect...

Develop your full potential.

Now see what you've done?

You've upset him.

Calm down, my baby.

My little baby.

I've upset him? It was you! Oh, hell, I'm going to throw the blanket.

Sometimes it just takes a woman to...

My baby!

Oh! What the?

My Jew!

will love him.

No reason at all.

Is there any other way in or out of this place?

No.

Not with the windows sealed.

Crowbar. Don't worry.

Deadbolt runs from side to side through the ceiling and the floor. He's not

prying it open.

I guess the dog believes in security when he's sleeping.

Not really.

But I do.

This is my room.

Ah, nice room.

Very tasteful.

I'm a very tasteful person.

Except in clothing.

I guess they'd quit for now.

Looks like she got a little prick in the ass.

I must confess, I'm finding this process rather stimulating.

Yeah, Nappy?

Well,

I gotta tell you, normally having my ass admired by some guy who's richer than

God would get my juices flowing lickety -split.

But to be perfectly honest, I'm just not in the mood.

Just as well, I suppose.

The atmosphere is hardly conducive.

And, of course, we need to talk about my specimens.

Honey, as things stand now, it's more like we're their specimens if you catch

drift.

Well, the first course of action is immobilize Lorca and that dangerous

assistant. Then we scour the house, and when we find the specimens, I will

convince them to come with us.

Or, if necessary, take them by force.

So you got this all planned out?

For their own good, of course.

Of course.

And of course.

Your assistance will be of enormous value to me.

Value? Oh, monetary value.

Enormous.

Enormous.

Monetary value.

Oh, Matthew, you're really speaking my language now.

Why, Miss Yost, I've never seen you looking nicer.

Do me a favor, make this one a quickie, will you, you two?

I gotta pee.

Oh, and remember, this is my bathroom.

A little hygiene would be appreciated.

I'm sure that the key to this matter is my most recent acquisition.

This being is almost certainly responsible for the revivification of

So we kill him, the others are paced. Is that the idea?

Kill? Of course not. Are you insane?

I mean that the new one is the one we must reason with, persuade.

Their recent actions were merely self -defense in response to Miseo's

attack.

I truly believe they do not mean to harm us. No doubt they are hiding someplace

now.

Terrified.

Look, can we at least agree not to enter into open combat so all the little

goobers are locked up nice and safe?

Can we do that? And who exactly is going to be doing the locking up? The

rightful guardian.

I believe you're going to monopolize a discovery that should be... should be...

Monopolized by you?

Yes. Well, let me warn all of you.

This house is still sealed, and only Sheila and I know the proper code key

will unlock the doors and windows.

This house is impervious.

Oh, what now?

Are you still out there?

Can you tell us what you want?

You're not planning on opening that door, are you?

They stuck a note under the door before they can do it again.

Can you write down what you want from us? We don't want to hurt you.

Listen.

How could they know how to write? It makes no sense.

They did it before.

And

is it a

friendly message?

It's gibberish.

No, it isn't. The message reads, You...

Hurt bad.

Scare. Hurt.

We no stay.

We go.

You let us go.

We no go.

You die.

That certainly seems pretty clear.

It is clear that we are dealing in essence with a single dominant

You mean that double -faced one?

Yes.

If, in fact, this being is only a day or two old, then it has absorbed human

speech and reading and a fairly sophisticated level of comprehension in

matter of hours.

In addition, it seems to have... Man, is that chick a sound sleeper. ...or

hypnotic power, though it does not appear to have influenced us.

It is an altogether new kind of intelligence.

Perhaps a... Hello?

This is wake -up call, so... Wake up!

This is the part I can't watch.

Ow! That is not hideous. That is just plain gross.

Something bad's gonna happen.

Jesus fucking

Christ.

Did she hurt them?

No. No, I think they're okay.

Then get out of my way.

ones, I'll take you out of here.

But first, you have to kill them.

Hey, hey, hey!

No, no, no, no.

Not all of them.

Just those two.

But first, you've got to force them to tell you the key code.

Don't listen to him.

It's dangerous out there.

Stay here with me.

You'll be safe.

I'll take you out for drives.

Jesus.

All we need is a guy in a white suit and a butterfly net to make this friggin'

scene complete.

Come out.

Come out, little ones.

Come to Papa.

Wherever you are, don't listen to him.

I'm your Papa. Me.

There you are.

Don't be afraid.

I'm not going to hurt you.

This is your home.

No, no, no. You belong to me. I'm the only one who's worthy of you. Let's get

back, you interloper. No, he's mine.

No!

Fooling you, bastard!

I hate you nothing but a cheap rod!

That's enough.

Let's settle this once and for all, if you're man enough.

I was man enough to deal with you before I collected my first steroid bryozoan

colony. No more words.

Deal only.

I'm out.

Only fools talk of first blood. It's last blood that counts.

Watch my cylinder.

Sorry.

with my team.

At last, our rivalry has come to an end.

And I...

specimens. Please take care of my specimens.

Later, person taking care of you. Come on. Climb up. Climb over. Come on.

Yes. Yes.

Come on.

Come on.

He's gone.

Where that fucking ass has come from, I don't know, but he's gone.

Come on. Let's get the hell out of here.

Doc said to take care of his specimens, and I'm going to fucking take care of

them. What are you trying to do, kill yourself?

Just shut up!

All right, you little bundles of fun.

I know you can hear me, so listen up.

You know what this is?

This is the way out.

Punch this number in the panel in Doc's chair, and all the doors open up.

Come on.

Now we can all die together.

Come on, little babies.

Come on.

That's it.

That's it.

Come on. One big happy family. Come on, you little bunnies and bunnies.

That's it. Come on.

Come on, you little angel.

Good

fucking

riddance.

What are you waiting for? Let's go.

Ow.

Nasty.

Looks like I'm not getting paid for this job.

You got a car?

Yeah.

You plan on coming with me?

No point sticking around here.

No offense.

Looks like I'm going to start hitting the wall, Nancy.

I'm going to go pack a few things.

Sorry I don't have any tables for you to sit on in here. Just the usual bench

seat. Well, I'm adaptable.

You know, I bet I'd be a really good private detective.

It'd be great on surveillance, the way you just blend right in.

Well, I was thinking more along the lines of you being the brains, me being

muscle.

You know, I can be very loyal to the right employer.

So I noticed.

Welcome to the United States. You have anything to declare?

Carrying any fruit?

Vegetables? Freaks of nature?

Nope? Okay, welcome to America.

Anyway, that's how I got into the country. I was smuggled across the

the trunk of a car along with 32 other immigrants.

I mean, I didn't mind the shipping.

Just the handling.

I still got bruises.

Anyway, at the end of our show, we like to recap the ten best and ten worst

moments of the movie.

Unfortunately, the ten best moments of this movie were also the ten worst

moments. So there's nothing really worth recapping except maybe my back molars.

My dentist says I'm grinding in my sleep, but he wasn't talking about my

Ow!

Anyway, that's all I know. It's the end of the show, and I got to go. Got my ass

a premiere to go to.

Mm -hmm. Premiere.

That's French for free. Get back.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Don't pull out.

I am not finished. I didn't get a chance to say unpleasant dreams.

Okay, okay, you can pull out now.

Go on.

Beat it.

There's nothing left to see here. Shoot.

Go on, shoot.

Go shoot somebody else.

Look, I'm asking you nicely, can you get the hell out of here?

I swear, if you don't get out of here right now, I am calling the cops.

Okay, I'm calling 411 to get the number for 911.

Okay, on second thought, I think I'll just strangle you right now!