Original subtitles

Jello, darlings. Yes, it's me, that gal from the future who keeps getting

sutured, Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. And with the help of technology, I am

broadcasting this program to you from 10 ,000 years in the future.

No way.

Yes way! I accidentally set the Wayback Machine to way forward, and I kind of

ended up slightly ahead of my arrival time.

Well, not as far ahead as that guy, but it's nice to know that I'm still looking

good 10 ,000 years from now.

What's my secret, you ask?

Hello, crew!

That's your cue.

What?

Why, thanks for asking.

If you really want to know my beauty secret, it's acting.

That's right.

You're only as old as you act, so I never act my age, just my IQ, which just

turned 21.

You know, another one of my tricks to staying looking and feeling young is to

prance your thighs.

But not in high heels.

So the safest and best exercise for beauty is to get plenty of sleep.

You know, I do a lot of sleeping on the job and behind the wheel of my car and

whenever anybody else is talking.

Oh, and talking of talking in your sleep, have I ever got a sleeper for

Well, yes, indeed I do.

Now, if you like Valley of the Dolls and Hello Dolly, then I know you're going

to get off on this feature, which features a little creature called

Now, some of the smallest actors in town were considered for the title role.

Herve Villachez, Gary Coleman, Danny DeVito, and of course Tom Cruise.

But their egos were all too big for the costume.

Come to think of it, my egos are getting a little too big for my costume.

So why don't you leave?

What? And quit show business?

Okay, I gotta get back to work.

Now, let me see, where did I leave off in that last dream?

Oh, yeah, I remember.

You were there, and you were there, and... I don't think you were there,

Was that you in the gorilla mask?

When will this nightmare be over?

Oh, good thinking. I better set my alarm clock.

I want to make sure I wake up after the movie.

Doll man.

This is the police.

Stop where you are and drop your weapon aside.

This is your final warning.

Stop where you are.

Drop dead!

Get away from me!

Stop! Stop! Stop!

He's only got one exit out of here.

Huh? Huh?

Oh, yeah.

I just said I don't want to...

I'm ordering you to meet his demands.

Mayor?

Sorry, uh...

What are you doing here?

Rick.

Hey, you.

What's all the mess?

I'm not in there with 13 hostages. The mayor wants us to give in.

I'm suspended.

Yeah. But, uh, got any ideas?

I got an idea.

I'm gonna use hot water for my wife.

It's a cold wash. The water rinses my colors.

That's what we're going to do.

Aren't you supposed to separate the hostages from the permanent press?

One, two, three.

You asshole!

What the fuck do you think you're doing?

I'm going to kill these fat ladies!

That's right.

One of us ought to keep going.

But I already put my money in the machine.

I swear, I'm going to do it.

Wow!

That's a cruder blaster! The most powerful hand in the universe!

That's right, fat boy.

And it's going to blow a hole clean through this fat lady.

And then blow a hole out of you.

And that's going to blow a hole out of the lady behind you.

Keep the bath off you.

Skyrise.

What the hell happened here?

Two women in cardiac arrest?

Everything is under control. Not expected.

And every new station in town.

is reporting that one of my officers endangered a laundromat full of

Think how that looked. Mr. Mayor, no one was killed, and I thought with Bardo

here... I'll do the thinking, Captain.

You're that son of a bitch now.

Disappointed you didn't get to kill anyone tonight, Bardo?

You're through, you goddamn psycho!

And take off those sunglasses, it's night!

I want that bat to suspend it. It's already under suspension because of the

incident in Fillmore. Then fire!

I throw the book at him.

The worst thing about being a girl and throwing like one.

Tonight at 1168, there was an extreme shootout at a South Central laundromat.

Unidentified sources at the crime scene claim that a renegade ex -cop went on a

shooting rampage that has left an unconfirmed 27 bystanders wounded and

3 .6 dead.

With more on this tragic backstory, story are unloaded.

Details are still sketchy at this point, Harry. However...

An anonymous official has heard rumor that 1 .4 of the dead are indeed

The mayor's office has released no actual details at this time. However, a

highly placed authority has implied the identity of the killer to be known. The

name Brick Bardo was overheard.

Brick Bardo. Isn't he the detective that was involved in the Fillmore incident

earlier this year?

That's right, Harry.

We'll come back on a late break story.

But first, we've got a travel advisory warning from Patricia LaBelle. There are

rare phenomena known as the energy.

There's an old friend wants to see you.

Rise and shine.

I saw the news tonight.

You're a very violent man, Zardo.

Yes, I know.

It's a violent universe.

I bet you thought you'd seen the last of me.

I am seeing the last of you, Sprood.

After our last encounter, this is all they managed to salvage.

Let's see if I can remember it the first time.

Conklin bank job?

I'd blow off your left arm. Most of my left foot?

And then there was the space extortion.

What did I take?

Two or three legs?

Among other things.

And the last time, all I remember was your head rolling around in the parking

lot. I didn't think there was enough to save.

Modern medicine.

They're doing some wonderful things.

It's too bad your lovely family couldn't benefit as I have.

But then I think even our best doctors couldn't have done anything with what

left of them.

What do you want?

Sunscreen. I'll tell you what I want. Oh, I know.

50 ,000 molecular ions.

And I'll get them too. You know why?

Because my cruiser is loaded with a dimensional fusion bomb that'll blow the

atoms of this city into another universe unless they fail.

It'll never happen. Want to bet?

Why not?

Somehow you'll fuck it up.

You always fuck it up.

No, partner.

You've always filled up my plans.

But this time you won't have a chance because you're going to be in tiny, tiny

little arms.

We're going to blow you apart piece by piece, brother.

It's mine now.

I've heard about this custom -made monster for years.

Don't worry, Bardo.

I'll take good care of it.

I'll put it to good use.

Start with his left hand.

How does it feel to be on the other side, Bardo?

I don't know.

Tell me.

I'm gonna die.

You can't kill me anymore.

What do you want, asshole?

Nothing.

You're just gonna walk away?

Good morning.

Your crap won't take your pressure.

Neither will yours.

Good morning. Dad!

I don't give a fuck. Good morning.

What makes you think I do?

Good morning.

Impact with energy band in mind. Craft is undergoing pressure duress. Energy

band. Good morning. Energy band in the head.

We have impact.

to human life.

Warning based on sensor calculations of planet structures.

Your size relationships are altered.

This planet's life forms are a ratio of six to one larger.

Hey, you in the wrong neighborhood?

When we say fuck...

This is a respectable vacant lot.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Every day we are forced to fight for our lives, for the lives of our children.

That's why you have joined our Neighborhood Watch program.

Today we have a very special guest who will explain to us how the police plan

help us in our fight.

Please welcome Captain Arnold Schuller of the Police Commission.

Thank you for coming. Nice to be here.

Mrs. Alejandro is absolutely right. We are involved in a war.

And if it weren't for you people, we would have no chance of winning.

I think you were the ones who deserve my applause.

Now that you have your sound bite, Captain Schiller, you can go ahead and

us exactly how you plan to help us.

What do you have in mind?

Beefed up patrols? Raiding the crack houses?

Roadblocks? It's not as simple as that. You know, it's a very big city. And

Dalton Avenue is not the only area that needs help.

Look, you're the police.

Protect and serve. It's your job.

Protect us.

Of course we'll protect you, Mrs. Alejandro. We will always try to protect

Together we can win this war.

I saw Debbie.

There's the bitch. The teacher doesn't mess with our business, huh?

The water.

The water.

Bitch. Oh, yeah, Debbie.

Come here. Debbie, I'm gonna... Oh,

my God!

And those were her parents.

Que traiz.

You fuck with our business, you die.

Entiendes?

I didn't mean to scare you. Scare me?

Who are you?

What am I worried about? This is just a bad dream.

No, it's an unpleasant dream.

Or I'm hallucinating.

Or I have a concussion.

You are so small.

Yeah, but she says that about every guy she bangs.

We can't stay here. They'll be back.

Those punks?

I don't think so.

They'll bring their whole gang. We gotta get out of here.

I'm not going anywhere.

Stop it.

Stop it, lady.

Hey, you're right.

Hey, whoa, look, a head on the road.

Where? Oh, no, a two -inch head, look.

What the fuck is that, man?

What the fuck is that?

Look, my friend, cut to the chase.

I'm obviously a visitor from another world who's had a bit of trouble.

Help me out, I'll help you out.

It fucking talks.

You're gonna help me do what?

Conquer your world.

Such as it is.

I've got a bomb you could use.

Yeah, and you're in it.

Something that will rip your dimension a new asshole.

Rip my dimension?

Believe me, nobody will fuck with you ever again.

You know, with a bomb like that, we could, like, blow up the entire East

We can take the whole fucking borough.

Huh? This place would be mine.

Whatever was left behind, yes, would be yours.

Do we have a deal?

Well, yeah.

What do you want, like a new hat or something?

What's your secret password?

We have interviews with the Air Force and other astronomers about this amazing

button by thousands of people in the skies over New York.

From the Big Star!

Are you all right?

I never felt better in my life.

My son thought you were a toy.

Franco Space Star is his favorite TV show.

What is it, Mom?

It's a little man, Kevin.

So, where did you come from?

How did you get here?

Last thing I remember, I was chasing Sproog into the energy bands.

Energy bands?

Mom, he's an alien.

Alien?

No. What planet do you come from? Mars?

Venus?

Arturo's. Arturo?

He's not an alien. He's a small man that got lost.

Whoa!

Whoa!

I want one of those, Mom.

Give me that gun.

No way.

Give me the gun! I will not have...

Don't pull that thing out again.

When will this nightmare be over?

It's not a nightmare.

Then what the hell is it?

It's the South Bronx.

How we doing? Hey, get Richard Bradford in.

That's the plan.

What

the

fuck is this?

I don't pay you chores.

Oh, fuck, man.

Table it's ruined. Who put him on the goddamn pool table, huh?

It wasn't my fault. It was just Pendejo's fault. He was gonna fight

thought I told you not to fuck with Debbie. Hey, it was her fucking way up.

were just trying to protect ourselves in here. She did this to you? Don't you

expect me to believe that?

Well, she had the little doll. The little doll man.

The doll? What the fuck are you talking about?

Well, this guy, this little guy, he just jumped out, man. He started shooting

everybody. He told me a midget did this to you.

No, no, there was no midget.

A little guy like this.

Have another fucking drink, Jackson.

Taking things upon himself.

Anybody else got any bright ideas? You got a fucking bright idea?

How about you? You got a bright idea?

Huh?

I have an idea.

Oh,

there's an

invasion, homeboy.

This better be good, Ed.

There's only one person that can stop you once I give you the dimensional

Brick Bardo.

What's a Brick Bardo?

He's an asshole cop from my world. He followed me here.

Well, how do you know it's him?

There's only one weapon in the universe that can destroy atomic matter like

that.

It's dangerous to me.

And to you, too.

If I were you, I'd go out and kill him right now.

Well, yeah. Well, if I were you, I'd quit while I was ahead.

Think how it looks?

Guy moves into your territory, blows away your two men.

I know I wouldn't like it.

He's not showing you proper respect.

People will think you've lost control.

Well, this guy's a cop, huh?

I'm gonna go to Debbie's.

I don't want to show this cop he's in the wrong fucking neighborhood.

We stay here and clean up this mess.

We get a fucking Brent Miffin or something.

Fucking body out of here

Isn't it past your bedtime, kid?

No power? That's your problem, mister.

Okay.

Looks like batteries does this thing take.

Look, kid, I'm a little busy right now, though.

Get the hell away from me, huh?

Aren't all people on your planet assholes like you?

I'm not.

Hey, I know somebody that can help you.

Smoking causes wrinkles.

What'd I say?

The show is over. Good night.

Get away from the ship. It's not a toy.

Obviously.

This is my best friend, Gerald.

He's the brains of the squirrel.

What? I said get away from my ship!

Quite aggressive, isn't he? Kind of a jerk.

Gerald, you two, good night. But, but nothing.

It's late.

Kevin, did I tell you to tell... Everybody in the neighborhood that we

space man living in our house, don't you think we have enough problems?

But, Mom, what's the fun of having an alien if you can't show it off?

Now, listen, don't do anything without asking the person.

What? Get that gun out of my face. What did I just tell you?

Hey, Kevin, how you doing?

Don't touch him, Fred!

What do you want?

Come by to visit, see how you're doing.

You're looking good.

Want some money or something?

I don't want your money. I don't want anything from you. Get these people out

my house, Braxton. Look, I'm looking for your friend, the midget.

I told you he's not a midget. Will you shut the fuck up? Look, I don't know who

you're talking about.

Look, don't fuck with me, Debbie.

This doll man, he hit my boys.

Braxton, leave us alone.

Where is he?

Oh, well, just like the head.

Oh, fuck!

That's about the size of it.

Little paint would be just like brand new.

Yeah.

Your world's just as violent as ours, isn't it?

Things don't change.

People don't.

I'm gonna lose, aren't I?

Unless you give up, lady.

Thanks.

Mommy!

Mommy!

What is it, honey?

Oh, baby.

The bad men are gone.

It's a bad dream, honey. Go back to sleep.

Yeah, go back to sleep and finish your unpleasant dream.

Yo, Brax, what's up, man?

What the fuck?

Not like this.

I see you've met Brick.

I've had some experience with his blaster damage.

I can stop the bleeding by fusing the molecules with a sonic proton wash.

If there's no internal bleeding, you might be.

Do it. Not so fast.

You promised to help me. I want that help now, tonight.

It's too dangerous here, and I'm tired of being small.

I want my ship repaired, and I want to leave fast.

Do we have an understanding?

Yeah, whatever you say, just fucking do it.

Hey, you're pretty fucking good.

Hey.

You promised me a bomb. First show it to me or there's no deal.

It's right behind me.

All you do is push the button.

Everything within three parsecs is sent to another dimension forever.

Let's see. One parsec equals 3 .2 light years times three equals... Don't bother

to pack a bag.

From now on, you work for me.

You do what I say.

Work for you?

You're in the wrong fucking neighborhood, deadhead.

Call the homies together. We're going to war.

With who?

With the fucking doll man. Who else?

But we heard he just popped Jackson and the other guys. They almost killed you.

So the fuck what? We got a dimensional bomb.

We're going to settle this fucker once and for all.

All right.

Look at the menial bomb.

If you're cold, you can put this on. It's warm.

So do you have a family back home?

Not anymore.

But you used to?

Mind if I get a little sleep?

Sorry.

Good night.

I had a wife and two kids.

Baby girl.

A boy about Kevin's age.

Someone who wanted to hurt me, get it by hurting them.

Kevin's father's dead, too.

He was shot holding up a liquor store eight years ago.

Kevin doesn't even remember him.

He was a gangbanger, Brooklyn homeboy.

At the time, I thought homeboy was as cool as you could get.

Yeah, but how cool can the boy be if he's still living at home? And then when

Kevin was born, he swore he was done with gangs, done with crime, but he

I don't know, it's like... In this neighborhood, gangs are the only way

can be noticed. It's the only way you can be somebody.

I mean, they give you a new name, and then you're shorty or sleepy or psycho.

mean, gangs give you an identity.

You know how hard it is keeping Kevin away.

His friends already belong.

He's trying, but I'm going to lose him if I don't do something about it.

Then why don't you leave?

Where would I go?

I don't have any money. I can't even pay the rent.

Dropped out of school to have Kevin.

Besides, this is my home. This is where I grew up. Everything I've ever known is

here. I'm not going to run away.

You've got a lot of guts, Lane. Maybe you're using the wrong approach.

What do you mean?

Fight fire with fire.

I always thought you fought fire with water.

Some fires are too big.

Birthday candles are too big for you.

Leave them alone.

They're dead in here, you're late.

Have a good day. Be careful.

I love you. I love you. Goodbye.

Be careful.

Oh, hi.

Here's my number at work in case you need to call.

Well, I don't think going to work is such a great idea. Those punks will be

looking for you.

Well, if I don't go to work, I don't get paid.

If I don't get paid, I can't pay the rent.

There's nothing to eat, so I'm going to work.

I think you should stay in, though.

The world isn't safe if I'm on your side.

I'll be home at 7.

Kevin will be home around 3 .30. Look, lady, I'm going to find the rest of this

punk and finish this.

No, you're not.

I've got to do what I've got to do, lady.

Be careful out there, Debbie.

So you're trying to tell me that a 13 -inch man saved your ass from Brexit?

Yes. I thought it was like a hallucination or something, but I don't

don't know what I'm going to do with him.

A 13 -inch man? Are you sure it wasn't a dream?

I'm serious.

Come over tonight and see him for yourself.

I'd love to see a 13 -inch man.

You know what I mean. I don't know where he came from or what to do, madam.

What's so funny, lady?

Nothing funny, sir.

Nothing funny about toxic waste, Mr. Lohan.

Well, then get back to work.

You went behind.

Sheesh, what's his problem?

Hmm, he asked me out to the Guns N' Roses concert.

I told him I don't dig the mutant slime from work.

He didn't.

Yeah.

What the fuck are we waiting for?

We're waiting because I said we're waiting.

I'm gonna make an example out of this bitch.

Well, it's about time.

Oh, fuck, man.

Man.

Oh, fuck.

Yo, I thought that little guy picked you.

He didn't go home.

Not without his hip.

You know, there doesn't seem to be much structural damage.

Maybe if I just adjust this, or how about... Back away, Gerald.

I think he suffers from Napoleonic syndrome.

Yeah. What?

Short man's complex.

So, how long do you think this guy's going to stay at your place?

I don't know. I don't know. The spaceship doesn't work, so he can't

anywhere. I guess he's stuck here.

You want him to stay, though, don't you?

Señor Alejandro.

Ah, Señor Rodriguez, ¿qué tal?

Bien, oiga.

I heard about this tall man that he blew away Braxton Redd's homies last night.

¿Es cierto?

Yeah, it's true.

Oiga, ¿y cuándo es el next meeting del Neighborhood Watch?

Thursday, 7 .30 at the cafeteria.

I'll be there. Really?

Si.

Vivian, you know we can make a difference. We can change this

Especially with this dumb man blowing away all those comebacks for us, eh?

That's not the way I wanted it to work out.

Bye, girlfriend.

See ya.

Be by late and see you, darling.

Leave me alone!

What, your little friend gonna come after you and beat me up? Help! Somebody

help!

We're gonna stop you, you son of a... You

got

your mom down here

Keep your eye out for the doll man, okay? Because he's going to come looking

her.

Sit down.

We've got to wait.

Stop the sprax and you're hurt.

What the fuck do you care?

Yeah.

Hey, it's Antonio Banderas!

Don't even think about it.

Braxton, you're going to die if you don't get some help.

So I die.

But you can stop this before you go down.

When are you going to get hip to what's going on here?

Huh?

We're all going to go down, Dad, because that's the way the man wants it.

Can't you see that?

Huh?

You think they care about you?

You think they care about Dalton Avenue, huh?

They don't give a shit.

You're on the wrong fucking side.

Sit down.

Don't make me get up.

Fucking sit down!

What the fuck are we fucking waiting for?

I mean, fuck this shit.

Fuck, man, the fucking setup is fucked up.

The little fucker knows what kind of fucking shit is fucking waiting here to

fuck him up.

So let's get the fuck out of this fucking deal and go fucking looking for

tiny little motherfucker.

Has fucking anybody seen anything yet?

Rexton, man, it's been three hours.

He ain't gonna show.

He must have found out what was waiting for him.

Fuck him.

I'm bruising, you go look for him, all right?

Go on.

Come on, go on.

The vans will meet us down here.

Over.

Got it, homie.

And I thought this was going to be hard.

Urban fucking renewal.

Big mistake, Debbie.

Fucking mistake!

Benny would be very disappointed with you right now. You remember Benny?

Oh, Debbie.

Oh, fuck.

I'm gonna fucking get you alive.

And you'll fucking never invent me!

I'm gonna fucking invent you.

I'll show you for fucking this.

I guess he hasn't read his social media scores.

Goodbye, Debbie.

Why don't you pick on someone your own size, you fucking puke?

You sad pus.

You remind me of a

guy I knew back home.

I didn't like him either. Ah, motherfucker!

Oh,

fuck,

my gun.

Now let's see how you like it.

You tiny motherfucker.

No, let's see what it's like for you, motherfucker.

Inside,

lady. Let me finish that.

It's finished.

Come on, it's finished. Don't you see that?

He's scum.

He doesn't deserve to live.

Your family isn't alive, is that it?

Come on, let it go.

Let it go.

Stand aside.

Okay.

Don't do it for me.

Okay, lady.

Wrong. Nobody fucking wins.

The original fusion bomb.

Bye, Dolman.

If you want your spaceship back, it's for sale on eBay.

So Debbie, tell me size doesn't count.

oh oh

Oh, gee, it's over already?

So, how'd you like Dollman?

Hello, crew, that's your cue.

What?

Boy,

everyone on my crew is such a doll.

Anyways,

this movie won the award for Best Science Friction Short Subject.

I wish someday somebody would explain the difference to me between science

friction and non -science friction, because they both seem made up to me.

But I think this was more of a science affliction movie, because everyone gets

afflicted by science.

You can't feel me anymore.

No, but cigarettes can.

I know, because I saw the pie chart.

Now, I was never very good at math, but I know that 36 times 24 equals 36.

And the M &M C squared equals the real Slim Shady.

And that if you drop an apple and a bowling ball from the building at the

time, you're more likely to hit someone with a bowling ball, according to this

new cult religion called gravity.

But sleeping through Dollman reminded me of way back when I was just a little

Elvira mistress of the doll.

And I think about all those times I didn't answer the door when opportunity

knocked, because I thought it was the landlord trying to collect rent.

And... I think about all the chances I had to steal, set fires, and vandalize.

But I chose to go into topless broadcasting on TITSFM, which was closed

the FCC insisted on attending every broadcasting.

Which, of course, reminds me of how I arrived in Hollywood.

My house was swept up by this tornado in Kansas.

You know, Kansas, also known as the show -me -to -the -emergency -room state.

Well, gang, it's been a bang.

It's been a bang, gang.

I've got a bomb you could use.

Eh, no thanks. They give me gas.

Oh, that's the taco truck. I just love some fish tacos.

So, I'll see VJ you later.

You're just gonna walk away?

Oh, I almost forgot.

Unpleasant dreams.

Oh