Original subtitles

Hello, darlings. Yep, it's little old me, your favorite couch tomato, Elvira,

Mistress of the Dark.

Are you happy to see me back?

Yeah, I know you're happy to see my front.

Well, I'm happy to see you little dickens, and especially you big dickens.

I just love playing to a crowd of people sitting at home alone in their

underwear. Oh, by the way, our underwear model contest is still on, so send us

your selfies and your unmentionables, and you could be featured on our next

show. Or be sent to prison.

Anyway, I am pumped up and ready to blow you away with today or tonight's

thriller, depending on when you're watching.

God, I hope somebody is watching.

I mean, I spent nearly eight hours in makeup and had a bath in hot wax, so I

don't have to ever stumble on my legs again.

Tonight's film is called Hobgoblins, so I don't know exactly where Hobgoblin is,

but I think it's somewhere near Hogwarts.

To be sure, I decided to look it up in my dictionary.

Let's see. What do it say here?

Oh, hemophrodite?

Heretic? Hobgoblins! There it is.

A rip -off of the movie Gremlins.

Hmm.

Personally, I feel it's perfectly okay to rip off anything that makes money.

Designer handbags, watches, movies, banks, whatever.

So, if you like Gremlins, maybe you'll like Hobgoblins.

I don't know. You know, I can't read your mind.

Whoa! Wait a second.

I can read your mind.

You're thinking, why don't the bitch just shut up and show the damn movie

already and let me decide if I want to watch it or not?

Whoa. Okay, that's a good thought.

And it saves me the trouble of having to read the rest of the crap that's

written on the prompter.

So, Hobgoblins!

Dennis. Dennis.

Hey,

what gives?

You're being paid to work around here, not to sit around and blast your

eardrums. Hey, hey, hey, take it easy. I can do both.

Hello?

Didn't you hear the phone ringing?

No, I didn't.

They've already hung up.

Well, then it couldn't have been too important, huh?

Don't you have any sense of responsibility?

That could have been a very important call.

At this hour?

In the future, would you just answer the phone no matter what hour it is and not

make your own decisions about what's important and what isn't?

Yeah, yeah, right, right.

It's time for our rounds.

Did I ever tell you what this studio was like when we first started here? Yeah,

more than once.

Oh, it used to be one of the busiest lots in town.

The real driving metropolis now.

Hey, wait a minute. What's this down here?

Oh, it's just an old film wall.

There's nothing down there.

Well, yeah, well, why don't we check it anyway?

I'm telling you there's nothing down there, and I'm not going to waste my

checking it out.

What is it now?

Well, I can't right now.

Finish the rounds.

And remember what I said?

It would have been safer.

What took you so long?

I made it as quickly as I could. I was clear across the lot.

You're not as young as you used to be. I tried calling you at the main gate

before. Why didn't you answer the phone?

I must have caught it just as you hung up. Let's be a little more efficient

now on.

How's the new boy doing?

Fine, fine.

But I really need to get back.

Just a minute.

I want to talk to you about these beer cans I found in the front gate.

So there's nothing down here.

You know what they keep in here?

Yoo -hoo!

Mr. McCready!

Thank you.

Is somebody there?

Is

somebody

there?

I give you a report in the morning.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to America Has No Talent.

Another one quit?

What was the problem this time?

I'm not sure what the problem was, sir. It wasn't something you said to him, was

it? It could have been.

I'm holding you responsible for this, McCready.

Every time we hire a new guard, he only lasts for a couple of weeks, then he's

gone. How many is it now?

Three? Four?

It's three. And I really don't think you need to hire anyone else. I can run the

post myself.

Look, you've been here for a long time. You know as well as I do that we need to

have a second guard ready so he can fill in for you if you can't make it here

some night.

I've never missed a night since I've been here.

You're not as young as you used to be. We need to be prepared.

Do you know that if something were to happen to this studio while no one was

duty, our insurance is voided?

This place has been deserted for almost 30 years.

Stop. Making excuses, I want you to hire a new guard. And this time, hire one

who will stick around for a while. Or else, I'll hire two.

So, Kevin, is this the first time that you've worked as a security guard?

Yes, sir.

But I'm a very fast learner. And I promise to try extra hard.

And I really need the job.

You sound very mature for your age.

You don't own one of those portable radios with headphones, do you?

No, sir.

That's good.

I think we'll get along just fine.

Now, are you ready for your first tour of the lot?

Oh, yes, sir.

Even prepared to take notes.

It's not that complicated.

You've never been on a studio lot like this before, have you?

No, sir.

Well, it's not that difficult to keep track of.

There isn't much goes on here anymore.

How long have you been working here?

Oh, quite a while.

About 30 years, actually.

And I've never missed a day and had to have someone fill in for me.

30 years?

That's amazing.

Well, not really.

You know, time becomes sort of a blur when you reach a certain age.

Some time I'll tell you what this place was like when it was still a functioning

studio. I'd like to hear about that.

Now, Kevin, I told you that something was very important. Do you listen to me?

Of course.

Now, there is a part of this lot that I want you to stay away from.

I don't want to have to explain all the details to you. I just want you to

promise to stay clear of it.

I understand.

Now, this is the part I was telling you about.

What's down there?

It's just a lot of dangerous machinery.

Now, don't go in there and take a chance of injuring yourself.

Do you understand?

Yeah.

Good. Now, I don't want to have... to remind you a second time.

Just stay clear of this area.

So, is there anything else I need to be made aware of?

There is one other thing.

This is what I was telling you about.

Oh, but don't worry. I've never had to use it.

Really? That's right.

All the years I've been here.

I would like to show you how to use it sometime, though you never know when you

might need it.

are here.

Hey, how's it going?

Hey, Madonna called. She wants your clothes back.

Why don't you bring some new music?

No, I just rented a videotape that Amy and I were gonna watch.

Well, that was very nice.

Let me see what you got.

What? Don't you ever get any tapes from the adult section?

My boyfriend would never bring me a tape that didn't have at least a single X

rating. Well, Kevin isn't like that. He would never want me to see anything that

was rated X.

Would you?

No, I wouldn't.

All right, man.

I'd recognize that horn anywhere. That's my Nick, back from two months of Army

training. And you know what a man wants when he's been away for two months?

No. What does he want?

Whoa, everybody had sex tonight.

I wish that were up to you, Sam.

Did you say something?

No, no.

I want to hear about everything you did in basic training.

Well, we had to get up every morning about 4 a .m., you know?

Sounds like loads of fun.

Then there was calisthenics and a daily run of six miles. Oh, I bet you got

really sweaty.

Oh, you know I did.

After that, fiery rage.

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Oh, tear gas training.

Then there was infiltration, of course.

Big deal. I have access to a gun where I work.

You know, it's a big difference between having something and knowing how to use

it.

Would it be okay if I used your phone?

Yeah, sure.

Who are you going to call?

My girlfriend.

Hey, are we ever going to get a chance to meet this girl?

I don't think so. She's kind of shy.

What else did you do with the gun?

Well, I haven't actually had a chance to fire it yet, but... I was talking to

Nick.

Then we had target practice.

But I've never had an actual chance to shoot anyone.

Yeah.

Shooting someone, is that really important to you?

Well, yeah.

It's me, Fantasia.

Thanks for calling.

I'm going to see a movie today.

It's only rated PG.

I want you to show up and make it rated X.

Sneak in the rear door and when the lights go down, drop your pants and show

a full moon.

Wave that lunar eclipse and block the projection beam.

Next, pull me down and roll me on those sticky floors.

Lick that artificial butter flavor off my body.

Oh, please.

Then take my clothes and leave me naked. So when the lights come up, I'll be the

second teacher.

You sure that's not long distance?

No, it's not.

That's good.

Because I have to keep calling the phone company every month because of all

these text line calls being billed to my number. Really?

That's too bad.

Thanks for calling.

A new adventure awaits you tomorrow.

Oh yeah, and then we spent all afternoon studying hand -to -hand combat.

I know about the techniques you have with your hands. Tell us about something

else. Yeah, could we change the subject already?

Why don't you pay attention and maybe you'll learn something?

Nick is protecting our country and you're just guarding some run -down

dump.

What did you say?

Why don't you be nice to Nick and maybe he'll teach you something?

Yeah, I can teach you all about hand -to -hand combat.

No problem.

Yeah. Go on, I know you can do it. Look, I said I wasn't interested, okay?

Come on!

Really swollen, yeah. Just watch out. Think of the first one!

Look for some... Go get kicked butt!

I'm getting so sweaty already.

Wow, this movie really raced it in with all the hoes.

Whoa, careful! He used to be a major rat!

Uh,

nothing too Freudian about two grown men playing with their dicks.

I didn't even want to do this. It was your idea.

Well, I don't care whose idea it was. I wanted you to win.

How was I supposed to win, Amy?

I've never even done this before.

It was an unfair match.

You looked really pathetic.

What do you want me to do for you?

I want you to make me proud.

Whoa, that was fast.

What's the matter, Kevin?

It's really a long story.

I've got all the time in the world.

God, were those crickets loud enough?

What do you do about someone who you can never make happy?

Is this your girlfriend we're talking about?

I don't know what to tell you.

What's the exact problem?

Well, we've got this friend who's in the army.

And my girlfriend's upset because I couldn't do all the things that he can.

I see.

Did I ever tell you what I did when I was in the army?

No. Oh, it's also a long story.

Looks like we've got company.

Hey. Wait here.

I'll call you if I need you. But, Mr. McCready.

I said wait.

Get away from him.

Is this your grandson?

No, he's my partner.

I said... Get away from him.

Who are you kidding?

You don't know how to use that.

Are you okay?

Do you want me to call an ambulance?

No, no, I'm fine.

Damn.

What's the matter?

I just wish Amy could have been here to see what I just did.

He's still on the lot.

What do we do now?

I'm going to call the police.

Try to locate where he is, but keep a distance from him. Don't try to be a

Mr. McCready?

I'm going down that hallway where all the machinery is.

I think he went down there.

I'm going in for a closer look.

What? What?

Timon!

Stop whatever you're doing!

Somebody just put a lock on the gate?

Why didn't you listen to me? Because he can't listen when somebody else is

talking.

What's going on?

Thank you. The hobgoblins are going hobgolfing.

Oh, if you only knew what you just did.

I don't understand.

What just happened?

The vault.

I tried to warn you.

Those creatures.

The vault.

I tried.

All my work.

30 years I've been trying to prevent this from happening.

To prevent what from happening?

Those creatures.

Why do you think I spent the last 30 years of my life here?

I was keeping them from escaping.

You know, I was young when I began to work here.

And the studio was busy and prosperous.

I'll always remember the night that it happened.

It was late.

There was hardly anyone around.

Wow, amazing what a little black shoe polish can do for you.

Flash of light from a sudden explosion.

I stepped out to see what it was.

There was no one else there except for me.

It was right in the middle of the lot.

And in daytime, it probably would have been crushed in all the traffic.

I just stared at it for a long time.

I didn't know what to make of it.

And then suddenly it moved.

And out from the top of the disc came this small creature, a sort of

It looked around, and then it stared right at me.

I didn't move. I just kept watching.

It looked so friendly at first.

If only I'd known what lay ahead.

But I still don't understand.

I let the creatures live on the lot. It was my secret.

And then I learned of the power they had.

I still don't know if they figured they were doing good for people or not.

They slowly began to destroy everyone on the lot.

They would find a person, tap into his brain, and then create his wildest

fantasy.

It seemed harmless at first. I mean, watching everyone around me becoming

or famous.

But for most people, What they really want in life can be very dangerous.

In fact, the creatures wound up destroying everyone.

Everyone they came in contact with.

They're loose in the city now.

But you could warn everyone.

They'd listen to your story.

Would they?

No one believed me 30 years ago.

I went straight to the head of the studio and tried to explain it to him.

didn't believe me. No one did.

I watched helplessly as people around me were destroyed one by one.

Then what can we do?

I'm too old to catch up with them now, but you might still have a chance.

There aren't very many of them, but they move quickly.

Just remember, they're attracted to bright lights.

That's how you can find them.

Watch everyone around you.

When a person begins to act strangely, it means that one of the creatures have

tapped into his mind.

When this happens, the creature is never far away. Find it and kill it before

it's too late. Because when the creature dies, the fantasy ends and the victim

is safe.

Now remember, they're only attracted to bright light.

That's how you find them. I can't remember now. What is it they're

Because once it's daylight, it's too late.

You'll never be able to stop them.

Come on Amy, we can't miss it!

Do the backstroke! Not the funky chicken! Okay, do the jerk!

Oh never mind, you already are one.

Thanks a lot.

Where's Nick?

I thought I heard his horn before.

So did I.

Well, maybe you should wait inside until you see him.

He's just looking for a place to park. Now, would you go back in the house?

There's plenty of parking in front.

Maybe it wasn't his horn. Look, I'm positive it was.

Maybe the police just pulled him over for all his warrants or something. Now,

would you just go back in the house? Fine, I get the message. Just take this

stupid jacket with you.

Damn it, Nick, where the hell are you?

Jamie, would you just go back in the house and leave me alone?

Would you stop breathing all over me?

He must be happy to see them.

Just peachy.

I had everything under control.

Good. Then you can finish out your band.

I

don't

understand.

What were those things?

It's a long story.

What they do to your body is nothing compared to what they do to your mind.

I don't have to worry about that.

You sure you're all okay?

I mean, you don't feel anything different, do you?

I think I wet my pants.

I was only kidding.

And none of you have a desire to do anything you've never done before,

I don't think there's anything left that we haven't done before.

How about you, Amy?

Well, actually, I did want to try this new Chinese restaurant that I heard

about.

Kyle? Could I use your telephone again? I want to call my girlfriend.

We still haven't met this mystery girl of yours. What kind of relationship do

the two of you have?

I guess you'd say it's a fantasy relationship.

Uh, what other kind are there?

It's me, Fantasia.

Thanks for calling.

I need a new house pet to impress my friends.

Now hurry before the zookeeper comes.

Help me hide this iguana on my body.

Can I help you, miss?

Oh, yes, Mr. Beastmaster.

Something just caught up my leg.

Oh, see if you can find it.

I think you better come back to my office with me.

Now, wait a minute.

Are you sure your office is in the baboon pit?

Mr. Zookeeper, what do you think you're doing?

This isn't the children's petting zoo.

I have a new house pet for you, miss.

Oh, Mr.

Zookeeper, I could never take a cockatoo that size.

you guys see where he went no do you do you kiss on the first date

i go all the way on the first date my kind of woman

my place are yours neither we'll go to reputation

road i'll drive

Do we have some time to get pop rocks and whipped cream?

Just start the car.

Reputation Road, here we come.

Amy, quick, where's Reputation Road?

Daphne, where's Reputation Road?

You go down to the end of the street, make a right, go through two traffic

lights and up the hill, and there it is.

Hello, continuity.

He doesn't have a newspaper in his hand.

Now he does.

I've got to go across town and get Kyle.

I want the rest of you to stay here. Don't make a move or do anything.

And above all, don't fantasize about anything.

And now we don't.

figure of fantasy right now.

It's involving the number three.

Oh, Fantasia, you're my ideal woman.

You're intelligent, you've got a wonderful personality, and I'll bet

great cook, and I just know my mom's going to love meeting you.

Will you marry me?

Skip the ceremony.

We're going straight to the honeymoon.

Oh, Fantasia.

Baby, I could watch you all night long.

If you don't go any faster, we could be driving all night long.

Now hurry.

I know a shortcut.

Don't park here.

Why not?

You have to park near the edge if you want to go all the way.

Oh, yeah, sure.

I think you should have stopped at the halfway sign.

How's that?

Perfect. See, that was some shortcut you knew about.

I never knew there was a road through the children's playground.

There isn't.

Well, what are you waiting for?

Fantasia, where are you going?

I wanted a better view of the city.

You can see it all from here.

Now, isn't that a lovely view?

Oh, it sure is.

Where are you going now?

Just wait a second.

You just keep watching the view.

Just hold tight and get ready for the ride of your life.

Do it, Timmy.

Uh, Fantasia, honey, I think the car is in park.

Any help?

Would you get back inside and wait for me? This time, don't move.

We're almost there.

Just think nasty thoughts while you wait.

Do it to me, baby.

Damn fool!

What are you doing here?

I want you to meet my girlfriend.

Wait till you see her.

Fantasia? Honey?

Kyle, there's no girl.

She was a figment of your imagination.

No, she's not. She's just hiding somewhere. I told you, she's a shy girl.

Sweetie? Shy girl? That bleach blonde witch almost killed you.

She was back... You're trying to push your car over the cliff.

I'll discuss my phone bill with you later.

Oh, no.

They're gone!

What?

Where is she?

What?

What's wrong with that?

They also try to kill you. I just chased Kyle across town and pulled him out of

his car right before it rolled over a cliff and blew up. It's still burning

You see what I'm trying to tell you guys now?

What could happen at that nightclub?

Well, there's a lot of bikers and people fighting everywhere, and I've seen

people dealing drugs in knife fights. What?

Oh, no, come on. We've got to go.

Daphne, I think you got this all wrong.

Amy would never come to a place like this.

She won't even go through the mall parking lot by herself.

Listen to me.

You guys have to have a certain kind of attitude when you're in this part of

town. You've got to look like you belong, okay?

I get it.

Look, would you just listen to me and nothing will happen?

Now look, I think one of us should hold all the wallets and save people.

You.

That's me?

Whoa,

whoa,

whoa.

Where do you guys think you're going?

We're looking for a girl.

You know what I always say, the higher the hair, the closer to God.

Pretty stupid question. Of course I'm working here tonight.

No, no, no. You're working.

Solid boy.

I thought this bar was called Club Scum, not Club Skank.

And it's fancy numbers in French.

Read my lips.

We're looking for a friend of ours in there.

Does she look anything like Pixie?

God, I hope not.

It's the last time I ever give you 10 % of my tips.

10 % of her what?

You guys, you're out of here. Get out of here.

Oh, Anthony.

I'm sorry to hear about your boyfriend coming back from the army. Give me a

next time.

It's me on the OJ.

OJ.

What?

Can we go in?

Are you guys your friends at Daphne's?

Oh,

you must be here for the wet t -shirt contest tonight.

T -shirt contest?

Donkey mud wrestling?

Donkey mud wrestling.

Get lucky night?

No.

Oh, I'm sorry. The donkey mud wrestlers are supposed to use the rear entrance.

Joey? Joey?

Hey, Daphne.

Hi, Daph.

Daph.

Hello.

It's just platonic.

Oh, really?

Oh, would you just shut up, okay?

Hey, you guys aren't much of a help, you know. You're supposed to be looking for

Amy. Well, why don't you try looking under the tables?

Yeah, Daph is an expert on being under the tables here.

We'll call the rugs Daph.

Same color as the carpet burns on my knees, Nick.

Idiot!

You got a problem with that, Junior?

No. I'll limp.

And now, Club Scum is proud to present a new headliner.

Appearing newly and nightly, Miss Amy Sincere.

She's a waitress, a hooker, and a go -go girl.

Well, what do you think, folks?

Is she a hit?

Me. Look,

she's just drunk.

She doesn't even know what she's saying.

She's never even been on the back of a motorcycle.

She's terrified of him.

Riding a motorcycle is like sitting on the wall of blood.

It's vibrator.

Miss Sincere, you're my kind of woman.

Amy Sincere is only my stage name.

Do you want to know my real name?

Tell it to me on your knee, baby.

Break it up, you two!

I'm not into the number three.

Get out of here, you jerk!

Would you guys stop sitting there and help me?

Are you helping Daphne seem to have a way with all the men in this place?

Sergeant Parker, what are you doing here?

That ain't private.

I'm out on a weekend pass.

I hear Pixie's working tonight.

You go out in public in full uniform.

A real soldier dies with his boots on.

What's going on here? Just a problem involving some small predators, sir.

I see.

Sort of a marauding attack?

Yes, sir. I believe that we need to stage a diversion.

Private! Who's in command here?

You are, sir. Then I'll make the decisions.

We need to stage a diversion.

And I have just what you need.

The crowd here tonight.

Pixie, did I ever tell you that I was a talent scout for a major motion picture

studio?

Did I ever tell you?

I've always been attracted to men of your stature.

Ha! You missed!

Will you still fake your orgasms for me?

Fake this!

Hey, look! There's Amy!

Amy! Are you okay?

I'm not sure why am I dressed like a rock video slut!

I ask myself the same question every day.

You there!

Name, rank, serial number.

Don't shoot me.

I'm just an employee.

I don't even book the talent here.

Sergeant, can't you stop him? Why? This is the best training he's ever had.

He can never get this at boot camp.

You call that training? He could kill somebody.

War isn't pretty.

Daphne and Nick are still inside. We've got to try and help them.

Wait.

I have a special mission for you.

You do?

Yes.

Have you ever considered joining the USO?

The USO? Yes, think of it.

Entertaining the troops.

Doing your part for our country. A small but patriotic gesture that would be

appreciated by our boys all fighting around the world.

I'll do it. Good.

You can start right away.

I've got a truckload of soldiers out in the parking lot.

If you start now, you can be finished with them by morning.

What?

Nick, do something. Your sergeant's after me. Just shoot him. One more time,

babe.

Here. Do it yourself.

Stop wasting time.

Nick!

Maybe I should send Nick off to some third world country. That would give you

all the time that you need.

Let go of me. Maybe I should get Nick out of that picture altogether.

Nick, this is your sergeant speaking.

burning man. I'm a season ticket holder.

The truck of soldiers is waiting outside.

It'll be a dream come true.

My dream can come true.

God, it's almost over.

Must have been a rowdy crowd tonight.

Hey! Hey!

Hey, Mr. Sears.

You know, I really like that show you're doing inside.

Hey, scumball, the show is over. Why don't you just climb back under your

Daphne, I could have done that.

Oh, sorry.

Amy, I want you to know that I'll always be there for you.

Well, you know, no one's ever really noticed me before like that.

I mean...

I've always just been thought of as Daphne's friend.

This is the first time somebody came up to me like that.

I kind of liked it.

Amy, I meant what I said.

I'm going to prove it to you.

Is he?

Mr. Constock, I wasn't sure if you'd still be here this late. I'm on my way

the door. What do you want now?

The creatures have broken loose.

The same ones I tried to warn you about when I first got my job here. Are you

going to try to tell me that same story about the hobgoblins again?

Yes, sir.

I'm glad you still remember about them.

How could I forget that nonsense? Let's get out of here and get back to work.

But you don't understand.

They broke loose tonight. They're out there somewhere in the city.

I already sent the other guard out to try to find them. What? You mean there's

no one manning the front gate right now?

No, sir.

This is preposterous. You do know that if something were to happen to this

studio while no one was on duty, our insurance will refuse to pay off?

Yes, sir. Well, then get back on your post.

You're not listening.

I want to go out and find him. He must need my help by now.

You are not going to leave your job to go out and chase some foolishness. If

walk off this lot, you are fired.

Well, good.

Saves me the trouble of quitting.

Miss McCready?

Hey there.

We have a score to settle.

Amy, this time I'm going to make you proud.

I think Kevin Feud is braver than you. Would you tell him to stop before he

kills himself?

Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose.

I'm sorry for sending you out on your own. I should have known the creatures

would try to destroy you also.

Where are they going now?

Back to their home in the vault.

Hurry. There isn't much time left.

Kevin, wait.

Don't take too long.

I'll be waiting.

Let's go.

Back inside.

Maybe we should get closer and lock them back inside again.

No, I've spent 30 years guarding them.

But I was fired from my job tonight. I won't be around here to keep an eye on

them. You were fired?

Well, maybe I could guard them from now on. Oh, no.

I don't want you to throw your life away the way I had to.

There is a better way.

Did you find them? Yeah, they're back inside the vault.

What are you going to do to them?

I don't know.

Kevin, did I ever tell you what I did in the war?

No.

Munitions.

Isn't it ironic?

That they should make a movie studio to land.

Unless they figured they belonged in a dream factory.

You were my hero tonight.

What?

Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Daphne?

This is for you.

Really? No one's ever given me flowers before.

Oh, but there's lots of things I could show you for the first time.

Nick.

Nick?

Nick! Jeff! Baby!

Told you guys I had everything under control.

Daphne?

Yes, I realize what time it is.

I'm sorry to wake you, sir, but there's been an accident at the studio.

The film vault blew up.

Yes, the building is still smoldering.

Oh, yes, I realize about the insurance, but you fired me earlier.

There was no one on duty.

Excuse me, sir.

Can I use your phone?

Now you're in my mind. You're in my soul.

You're everything that this boy.

Good boy.

Just remember, the next time you see a movie that's only rated PG, I want you

to make it rated X.

Now it's time for the

763rd presentation of the Elvie Awards.

Yes, the Elvie Award, suitable for a doorstop or murder weapon. The Elvie

presented to the best performance by a hobgoblin in a movie. And the nominees

are... Hobgoblin number one.

Hobgoblin number two.

Hobgoblin number three.

And Hobgoblin number four.

And the Elvie Award goes to...

Hobgoblin number two.

Oh, congratulations, number two.

No,

I'm not the award.

Yeah,

you're welcome.

Everyone,

give it up for number two.

Okay.

Well, I guess the moral of this movie is your fantasies will kill you.

If that were the case, I would have been dead a long time ago.

Well, so, what'd you think of Hobgoblins?

Wait, no, no, don't text me. I can read your mind, remember?

Hmm, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, Elvira, why didn't you tell

me this movie was so bad my husband would leave me and my son would be

Uh, and I'm thinking, they really don't have anything to do with one another,

but I tried to warn you.

But I still don't understand.

Well, let's look on the bright side.

If you were bright... You wouldn't have been in this movie in the first place.

You'd have been out doing something productive with your time, like watching

porno on the internet or baking cookies or breaking into cars.

No, just as long as it's not my car.

Wait a second. It is my car.

I swear if somebody stole my rims again, they are going to have unpleasant

dreams.

And I put up their ass.