All language subtitles for cybill_s02e09_the_odd_couple

Welcome back to Psychic Pals. As we
promised, here is the heartwarming story

a woman in Baton Rouge who wrote to tell
how Psychic Pals saved her husband's

life. Let's watch.

I had just come in from pruning my rose
bushes when I saw my husband, Tom, lying

face down in the dog dish.

I knew I'd have to rush him to the
hospital and fast.

What a time to lose my car keys.

Good thing I knew what to do in an
emergency.

I called my psychic pal, Barbara.

He told me to look in the freezer.

And there were my keys.

In between the fish sticks and the
fudges. I got Tom to the hospital

enough to keep his brain damage to a
minimum. And he was able to keep his job

the cable company.

Thank you, psychic pal.

I'm proud of you, Mom.

As hitting rock bottom goes, that was
pretty damn graceful.

Wait till you see my real stories of the
highway patrol.

I get hit by a butt. Bye.

How are you doing?

If you must know, Sean and I are going
to a teenage body -piercing party.

Wow, that's weird.

I was planning on staying home and
piercing myself.

I'm gone.

What time will you be home?

Why don't you call your psychic pal
Barbara? Maybe she can tell you.

I did. She says midnight or you're
grounded.

It's work if you can get it, and if you
get it, won't you tell me how?

No, you look. I haven't gotten my paper
since Toothy.

How could the paper girl forget her
route? It's like riding a bike.

It is riding a bike.

Hey, you're not the only paper in town,
you know.

You are?

Well, maybe if you delivered mine more
often, I'd...

Yeah, we're, uh, dating.

Let me ask you something.

When you're with Zoe, does she
constantly insult you, roll her eyes at

everything you say, and make sarcastic
remarks about how you're too old for

dress? No.

Me neither.

Want some juice?

Sure. So, where are you two going
tonight?

Oh, I don't know.

It doesn't really matter. I just like
spending time with her. She's got this

of making every moment seem longer.

Yeah. That started during childbirth.

You two are getting pretty close, huh?

Yeah. Well, I mean, I haven't had many
girlfriends, but Zoe's really great.

Yeah, well, she must think you're great,
too. So if you're both feeling great,

then that leads to great intimacy, which
is great. Well, it's not great, but I

can't do anything about it. Just like I
can't shut up, which isn't so great.

Look, if you're worried about me and
Zoe, um, you know, doing stuff.

Well, I just want to make sure, you
know, you're being as safe as possible.

have some pamphlets upstairs.

Um, actually, Zoe and I aren't... We
both took a vow of chastity.

And, uh... So we aren't having any...
Any.

I understand.

This is difficult to talk about with
your girlfriend's mother.

I just want you and Zoe to have as
healthy and open a relationship as

With me.

I'm sorry, sir, the mission's down the
street.

Cute, Sib.

I slept in my car in your driveway.

Wow, your parents really screwed you up
with that little race car bed, didn't

they? I can't sleep at my house. My
computer's there, luring me with its

siren song only to dash me against the
rocks of... of, uh... Oh, great,

now I have talker's block.

I've just gotten Zelda Fitzgerald, great
book.

Yeah, I thought if I read about
Fitzgerald's life, it would inspire me.

Inspire you? He was a drunkard, had
constant money problems, an insane wife,

he died young.

Sure, look on the dark side.

Wasn't Zelda his inspiration?

He called her his muse.

She taught him how to be spontaneous,
carefree, and borderline psychotic.

Well, except for the spontaneous,
carefree, and borderline part, she

like your mother.

Why don't you just cane me, Sybil? It
would be a lot less painful.

What I need is somebody who's
uninhibited and reckless to invigorate

Maybe I should hang out with your
neighbor.

My neighbor? Yeah, the new guy next
door. He, uh, jumped the hedge and took

paper this morning.

My neighbor took my paper and you didn't
try to stop him?

Hey, I thought I slept in my car. I
didn't say I slept in my clothes.

Well, hi.

Hi, I'm Sybil, your next -door neighbor.

And I just wanted to welcome you to the
neighborhood.

And for future reference, anything
delivered to my house...

It's mine.

Great. I'm Ed.

Ed Philo. And doggone it, I've been
meaning to get over there and introduce

myself.

Well, good.

You know, Ed, I was wondering if maybe
you woke up this morning kind of groggy.

And when you went out to get your paper,
you accidentally climbed my hedge and

took mine by mistake?

Nope. Doesn't sound familiar.

Hey, you're an actress. I just saw you
on that Psychic Pals show.

You're really good.

Thanks. Now, about my paper.

Could I have your autograph?

Oh, um, sure.

Hey, this is my news week.

Oh, son of a gun, it is.

Listen, why don't you take it? I've
already read it.

Well, nice meeting you, Sybil.

Not so fast, Philo!

Can I help you?

Where's Philo? He's in Cleveland.

Why don't you just tell him to call me
as soon as he gets back?

Why exactly do you need my shovel?

I told you, Dr.

Dick canceled my season subscription to
the Philharmonic.

So you're going to tunnel your way in?

Hi,

honey. You look nice. Going out with
Sean tonight?

God, mother, must you know every minute
detail of my life?

You mean the one I gave you?

I'm going to the library, okay?

Okay. Okay, are you going to be warm
enough?

Okay,

then. Hey, sis.

What'd you do to Zoe? I flew off the
handle and asked her if she'd be warm

enough. What are you doing here?

Batteries. I was parked in your driveway
taking a nap.

I don't sleep very well in there. Never
should have gotten bucket seats.

Sure, they look comfortable.

Listen, Ira, if you're really having
this much trouble, why don't you just

in the house and sleep with me tonight?

Really? Yeah, right.

Hello! What about my needs?

Where's the camouflage paint? Under the
sink with the Let's Invade Normandy kit.

Why do you need all this stuff?

Since Dr.

Dick has stolen my music, I'm going to
take his stereo, the one he never let me

touch, and bury it in a great big hole.

Like the one in Sybil's yard where the
bougainvillea used to be?

What do you mean used to be? How could
it be... Final!

You've got a pretty wild sense of
adventure, don't you?

Some women garden, others golf.

I make my ex -husband's life a living
nightmare.

Oh, Lord, when will Ms. Rahi come out
with a line of yard work apparel?

It must be so liberating to have
absolutely no conscience whatsoever.

You were a lawyer once. You know the
feeling.

I mean, to be so reckless, like Zelda
Fitzgerald. You know, I'm in the market

for a lunatic muse.

Mind if I tag along?

I need to talk down to you, but are you
really willing to put on repairman's

uniform and liberate stereo equipment in
broad daylight?

I can do it.

All right. Meet me two blocks south of
Dr. Dick's house, 3 p .m. sharp. Bring

sneakers, a ski cap, and a thermos of
slow gin fizz.

Is it okay if I make mine slow virgin
fizz?

I'm just worried about the calories.

Ira Woodbine on a retaliatory raid. Now
that's entertainment.

He stole my bougainvillea. The
newspapers were one thing. But this is

napping.

Who am I talking to?

Rayanne? Ira?

Huh.

Yes, police? This is an emergency.

Sure, no problem. I'll hold.

Hi, Sean.

Zoe's at the library.

Yeah, I know. I just thought I'd come
over and, you know, hang if that's okay

with you. Hello, police?

Or I could go.

Several robberies. A spree, actually.

I'm at 11291 Moss Canyon.

It's the house of the big boogin... Not
anymore.

Oh, you'll find it.

Boy, nothing weird ever happens at my
house.

Well, there was that one time my parents
spoke only Latin for a month.

Don't your parents ever do anything a
little less academic, like toss around a

football? No, mostly we just toss around
ideas.

I didn't realize things were so bad at
home.

Come on. You can't spend your whole life
being cerebral.

It's un -American.

Go deep.

I'll hit you.

Why don't we bury my CD player and let
me take this one home?

Ira, that's stealing.

And stealing is wrong.

Now hand me my flask. Oh, maybe we
shouldn't be doing this.

He's going to have to dig this thing up,
and I'm telling you, his gardener's not

going to be happy either.

No wonder you can't write. You're so
deaf.

I mean, if you can't have fun bearing a
man's harm and gardener... Ira,

I want you to take a glass.

And tell me what's missing.

Our footprints away from the scene of a
felony.

The correct response is... What is
molasses?

I don't get it. The dirt alone is enough
to destroy that equipment.

Welcome to zen vandalism.

The less sense it makes, the more it
means.

This is so liberating.

This is just the beginning.

Swim with the dolphins fully clothed.
We'll fly off to the Himalayas and short

-seat the Dalai Lama.

We'll fill all the handprints of the
Chinese theater with dip.

Dip?

Bravo!

Well,

that was quick. Come on in.

Only took you five hours.

And I left that trail of donuts and
everything.

Oh, good. An attitude.

You want to tell us what was stolen?

My bougainvillea and six newspapers.

And my TV guide is two days late. It's
vicious, huh?

Hey, Chloe.

Look, the police are here.

Yahoo.

It's just like NYPD Blue, except they
have their pants on.

Look, ma 'am, we can't really help you,
but here's a little tip.

You don't call 911 for missing
shrubbery. You call 911 when, say, you

husband lying face down in a dog food.

September 7th, 1998.

Trump came over here and just started
talking. He was the one who brought up

family. You made him talk about his
family? God, why don't you just ram a

into our relationship?

All right, but I need a spike.

He didn't tell me anything about
anything.

Honest. He even denied you were having
sex.

did you think it was acceptable to blab
to my mother about our sex life?

I didn't. Sean, maybe I didn't want my
mother to know we aren't having sex.

Whatever you and I are not doing is none
of her business. Did you even think of

that?

No, I can honestly say I didn't.

Listen, you stay away from my mother,
okay?

Because if you think we're not having
sex now, just you wait, mister.

how much I'm enjoying being Ira's muse.

Of course, there's no money in it, but
it's so exhilarating.

Ira and exhilarating? I don't think I've
ever heard the two words together.

No, Sybil, he's really loosened up. In
fact, tonight he's surprising me with

very own random act of whimsy.

He's given me an address, a map, and a
package that I'm not supposed to open

until 45 minutes before the event.

No one can plan spontaneity better than
Ira.

I don't think I should say.

Aren't you two going out tonight?

I don't think I should say.

If I told you I was going to mail the
gas bill, would that be considered too

personal?

Let me run it by Zoe.

So, how'd you get the shiner, kid?

I have no comment.

You'll make a wonderful, disgraced
senator someday.

I've got an itch, and I need to scratch
it.

Come on, Marianne. You can't pass up an
opportunity for revenge.

Until this moment, I didn't think I
could, but that's how important this is

me.

I'm somebody's muse.

This could be my one shot at influencing
posterity.

Go.

Influence. Put in a good word for me,
will you? I didn't come off so great in

Ira's last book.

I'm not really supposed to fraternize.

Zoe will never know.

Who ever thought that Ira Woodbine would
dress up like Gatsby, drink champagne,

and ricochet croquet balls over
Valentino's grave?

If Sybil could see you now, she'd be so
proud of me.

To my inspiration, my muse, my Zelda.

You know, I've never played croquet in a
cemetery before.

Dodgeball, yes, but...

You just missed Blanchini's tombstone.
That's what I love about Hollywood. You

can't hit a croquet ball without
tripping over somebody famous.

Look, I hit Rin Tin Tin.

Fetch.

Marianne, you're amazing.

You've taken this repressed, uptight,
totally blocked writer and peeled away

layer after layer of inhibitions like an
onion.

It's a miracle.

Who would have thought I'd have my
moment in the sun at midnight?

In a graveyard.

Charleston?

Oh, aren't you just a cat's pajamas?

Thank

you,

officers, and believe me, I'll see that
it doesn't happen again.

What in God's name were you two
thinking?

I'll get to you in a minute, pally.

Sean is my boyfriend.

I don't want you two playing football,
getting arrested, or talking about my

life.

Well, I'm just the evil, awful mother
from hell, aren't I?

Go away, Sean.

Please, please don't do that.

You've crossed the line, mother.

Sean is a part of my life you have no
business getting anywhere near.

Let's get one thing straight, Missy. I'm
the mother, and if anybody's going to

be self -righteous and condescending
around here, it's going to be me.

I just wanted to make Sean feel welcome.
I didn't do anything wrong.

Oh, well, that explains the police then,
doesn't it?

Oh, lighten up. We saw it off a mailbox.

You were young once.

We had this afternoon. You still went
out with her in one of her stupid

What were you thinking?

I like her. She reminds me of you.

You're really not good at this, are you?

No.

Think about it.

You're both into candles and all that
spiritual stuff.

And when she saw down that mailbox
today, it was just like that time when

hacked into the school computer and
became a substitute teacher.

Oh, yeah, and you both get that same
twinkle in your eye right before you

to laugh.

That is the lamest, mushiest crock of
crap I've ever heard.

Did it work?

No.

Ira!

Hi, Mary Ann. Great news. I've written
two sentences.

Strong sentences.

They're not much, but, uh...

They're a beginning.

That's wonderful.

Let's go toss ice cubes off the Santa
Monica Pier.

No, no, you don't have to understand.

I'm over my writer's block. Soon
there'll be paragraphs and chapters, and

all because of you.

I've come to say thank you and goodbye.

Goodbye?

You mean it's over?

I'm sorry.

I wasn't crazy enough. Tell me the
truth.

There's another muse, isn't there?

No, never.

Marianne, you helped me write again.

My muse, my sweet, shining muse.

Well, I've never been dumped so
beautifully before.

I don't even think I'll stalk you.

Well, that's my loss. I've seen your
work, and you're the best.

Ah, you.

Now get out of here before I saw halfway
through your brake cable.

Marianne.

Goodbye.

Goodbye, Ira.

I'll never forget you.

See you at Sybil.

Okay, now we punch in his social
security number that we got from the

we access his credit report.

Presto.

Hey, let's download.

I have no idea what that means, but I
always wanted to say it.

Dibble! Yeah, we're up here in Z's room!

Oh, here you are.

I've come to tell you that I'm ready to
return to the fold.

Whatever twisted little plot you'd like
to carry out on your neighbor, I'm here

to aid in a bit.

Thank you, but Zoe and I have the
situation well in hand.

We've already rerouted Ed Philo's mail,
helped him donate $1 ,000 to Greenpeace,

and enlisted him as a foot soldier in
the Michigan militia.

Hey, any way we could put out an all
-points bulletin on Dr.

Dick?

Kid stuff.

Let's have him indicted.