Original subtitles

What happened here?

Another one of those stupid skydiving weddings.

Where's the room?

Probably still at the jump site, trying to find the room.

Yo, dead chick.

Wakey, wakey.

Time for lunch.

I'm thinking about getting a queen -size slab for home.

Good luck trying to find sheets.

Marsha, after the wrap, you want to grab a bite to eat?

Rigor mortis always makes me hungry.

Yeah, got to work on my next part.

Did I tell you? I'm playing a cop in the new Eastwood movie.

Why don't I get more parts like that?

Well, I don't take this the wrong way, but you're a big wimp.

right here on the slab.

You're on.

Marsha Warfield says. I could play a cop.

I'm going to do so much research for this audition that I'll blow them away

how tough and ruthless I am.

Nice bunny slippers.

I could play mothers and housewives and oversized carrots.

I want to be bad.

I want Sharon Stone's career, but with underwear.

Hey, you two, how was the movie?

It was a four -hour documentary on the Irish potato famine.

I'm starving.

I've got potatoes at my house.

Why don't you come over sometime and poke around my pantry?

That's something I didn't need to hear today.

Gee, thanks for the offer, but I'm trying to cut down on my pantry poking.

Do you think I've been too subtle with Ira?

Subtle? You've done everything short of publicly mounting him.

And that would be wrong?

Back off, Marion. Give him some room. He'll come around.

Well, you know him best, so I'll try it. But in my experience with men, once you

release the death grip, they run like hell.

Hey, Zoe, tomorrow night we'll hit that Dutch documentary on insecticides.

You'd better get there early.

Listen to yourself, Dad. Potato famine, insecticide?

You might as well just wear a sandwich board that says, I need a woman.

That's not true.

I love being alone.

I need to take off, do anything, go anywhere.

Then why are you always dragging me with you?

Because I don't want to be alone by myself.

Hi, Mom.

Hi. Hello, Mother Sheridan.

I have a little something here for you.

Wasn't it Homer who said, beware of geeks bearing gifts?

Actually, I think it was Jethro.

What gift?

My husband wants your house.

Sorry, I'm using it now, but he can have it when I'm dead.

I only need it Thursday evening. I just want to have the psychology department

over for a little cocktail fiesta.

Hmm, I suppose it's possible to do something more boring.

Part of his grand suck -up campaign to impress his colleagues.

It is not a grand suck -up campaign, Rachel. I am only sucking up to one

my department head, for the purpose of getting tenure.

I want you to get tenure, too, Kevin. But what makes you assume you have to

up your dignity?

Don't overestimate dignity, Rachel.

If it weren't for sucking up, Beverly Hills would collapse of its own weight.

All right, you can use the house.

But Marianne comes with it.

Well, that would be fine, except the conversation would be a little... Tall?

Haircut?

Halo? Scout me?

Big hat?

Low ceiling?

Touchdown? Seizure? They're gone. It worked. Stop it. I can't.

I'm sorry I'm late, darling.

I can't hear a word you're saying.

You'll have to turn down your dress.

Isn't it fabulous?

It's an original Léon Marseille of Paris.

One of a kind. A steal at $5 ,000. $5 ,000 for a dress?

Lunch is on you.

Forever.

Unless I get the Eastwood movie.

By the way, tonight I'm going on a drive -around with a real cop.

Wait a minute. You get to ride in a squad car? I never rode in a squad car.

Well, not in the front seat.

What's so funny?

Nothing.

Don't get mad, but... Please, please, let me tell her.

Oh, look. A fight.

Where?

on probation.

Excuse me.

Did you get that dress from Léon Marseille of Paris?

No.

Lady be cheap of Burbank.

$35 .95. Can you believe it?

It's all right, Marianne. Keep breathing.

Gucci drive -thru.

Stole me from a faucet.

I'm not putting on that apron until you tell me who you're fixing Dad up with.

Okay. Her name is Louise. She teaches in Kevin's department. And she did her

dissertation on obsessive neurotics. Oh, perfect.

I can't believe I've been driven to this.

Why can't Dad just move on like all the other men in Mom's life?

All right, nobody moves. Our tenure boy here gets it.

Bravo. Bravo, Mother Sheridan.

Although sometimes a banana is just a banana.

Oh, isn't the human mind extraordinary? My entire career is riding on this

party, and I still manage to make jokes.

Oh, is that what that was?

Oh, the caterers. It's about time.

Okay, I'm late. I know it. What do you people want from me? My wife left me. My

girlfriend left me. I bit my tongue on the way over here.

Smurf cupcakes. Cool.

Blue food.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Oh, pudding pot.

Mini wieners.

Candy apples.

Don't worry.

I'll save Papa Smurf for Dr. Anderson.

And after we eat, we can all play duck, duck for it. Well, you know, this must

be somebody else's order.

You know, somewhere there's a room full of children eating my brie.

Rat.

Nice, Kevin.

Did you kiss your mother with that mouth?

Oh, good Lord, the guests. No, we can't serve this. Relax.

There's psychologists.

Tell them it's a theme party for their inner child.

So, Bart, you've seen a lot of action.

Drug busts, vice raids, drive -by shootings.

What scares you the most?

My wife.

She's eight months pregnant.

You know, this is kind of late in life to be having my first baby. I'm kind of

anxious about it. Were your deliveries vaginal?

Very.

Have you ever killed anybody?

That's an interesting question.

Here's another one.

Cloth or disposable? I mean, we're really torn.

Come on, Bart. I'm trying to learn something here.

What goes through your mind when you're staring at the business end of a

Saturday night special?

Business end?

Where'd you hear that, Barnaby Jones?

You think an episiotomy's really necessary?

Only if you're having a baby.

Look, I only have you a couple hours. I really want to learn something. I want

to get something out of this.

187, we have a possible 610 Cedars -Sinai Medical Center.

Barn, that's you.

Good luck.

Okay, here we go.

A 610.

Bigger than a 510.

Not as dangerous as a 710.

Sorry, ladies.

My wife's having the baby.

Hey, what about me?

Oh.

Here's some cash.

Call a cab.

Buy yourself a cigar.

Jeez, my one night in a cop car. This is not fair.

Excuse me, could you tell me where the post office is? Sure, it's right over

there, across the street. Thank you, officer.

Officer?

Thank you, Officer Sheridan.

See you at roll call, Officer Sheridan.

Better lay off those donuts.

that tree.

How can I get Ira to look at me like those dogs did?

Easy. Don't feed him for a few days and dab a little gravy behind your ears.

Dad and Louise really seem to be hitting it off.

They sure do.

They've been talking for 20 minutes and Louise is...

Look at Kevin sucking up.

If he gets any closer, he's going to have to ask the professor to cough.

You know, I've heard that joke a thousand times, but I'm a weaselly

sycophant.

Why am I eating cupcakes with this bore? I could be in a hotel with a grad

student right now.

You know, I couldn't help noticing your hair.

It's so silky and manageable.

Kevin, this is my wife, Beatrice. Beatrice, this is Kevin Taylor. Kevin is

for tenure this year. Am I?

Oh, that's right, I am. I've just been so immersed in my work, it completely

split my mind.

If you don't mind my asking, who cut your hair?

Oh, brisket.

You don't really have to do that.

But since you are, you know, those three tires are pretty flat, too.

And we've got to get that grill off the front.

Whoa, four tires and a grill.

I bet you're glad we came along.

Who is Louise, and why am I talking to her?

Well, she's a professor looking for a nice, normal guy, and you're a... guy.

And I thought I'd fix you up. Before you say anything, she loves your writing.

She thinks it's every bit as depressing as Kafka.

Kafka? Really?

You think she's like a Tootsie Pop?

Zoe, I just saw Mrs. Anderson's stuffed mom's crystal candy dish into her purse.

You wouldn't want to make your guests feel self -conscious about stealing from

you.

Sometimes I blow dry, but usually I just shake it out.

Imagine that.

Excuse me, Kevin, can I work with you?

Uh, Rachel, I'm right in the middle of something important.

I had... Just let Mrs. Anderson put Mom's crystal candy dish into her purse.

Don't be ridiculous, Rachel. That's not real crystal.

They'd probably need to be washed.

What are we going to do?

Nothing. Nothing?

Have you become such a spineless toady that you're willing to let somebody

from my mother for the sake of your job?

You betcha.

Look, this is our future.

We were adults, and we will deal with this in an adult manner.

Now bring out the clown cake.

Tell the truth, Marianne. It feels good to serve the people, doesn't it?

And they were so appreciative, they even offered to host it for me.

Oh, the backbone.

Maybe it's Commissioner Gordon.

Hello?

What's wrong, Rachel?

Okay, I'll be right there.

Marianne, we have a situation on our hands.

Light. Oh, goody. Not goody. Batty. Siren tube.

And the shrink said gestalt. I'm Jungian at heart.

Jungian. Oh, that is... Is rich.

You see, the reason that's funny, Rachel, is... I get it, Kevin.

You case the kitchen. I'll stake out the living room. Cover me. 10 -4.

Officer, this could get dangerous. I hope you brought your banana.

Be careful, Zoe. I'm your worst nightmare.

A mother with a badge.

Mom, Mrs. Anderson's already pocketed your candy dish, set of tongs,

paperweight, and your Tony Bennett CD.

She took Tony? She is going down big time.

There she is, old... Sticky fingers.

Ma 'am, could you move to the side of the room, please?

What's going on here?

I have reason to believe this woman has stolen articles from the owner of this

house. You're accusing my wife of stealing?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Please, no.

Open first, ma 'am.

What first?

Look, sister, we can do this easy, we can do this hard. It's your choice.

You're right.

I did it.

This isn't my candy dish.

These aren't my tongs. Okay, you can stop looking, everybody.

Scavenger hunt's over.

Mrs. Anderson found the tongs and the candy dish.

You have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say can be used again and again, so you'd better get an attorney,

and the court will make an appointment for you.

Jerome!

to get your attention.

What do you mean?

Look in your study.

You have dozens of pictures of people you don't know.

I thought they came with the frames.

Explain the Heisman Trophy.

She's got you there, Doc.

Officer.

Lock me up.

Now this is a Kodak moment.

Officer, you can't arrest her. That's right, Officer. You can't.

All right, Mrs. Anderson.

This time I'll let you off with a warning.

Stop sealing her out!

Come, dear. I'll take you home.

It is our home, isn't it?

You can keep that.

Oh, Kevin, thank you for a most interesting evening.

Well, this was a complete disaster.

I'm such an obvious brown nose.

You know, who am I kidding? I'm never going to get tenure now.

But do you know what, honey?

What? At least they didn't notice your fly was open all night.

Teeny -weeny?

Marianne, you're here.

Oh, God.

This is Louise. She's Zoe's doing.

So nice to meet you.

Likewise.

Why don't I go get us some more Kool -Aid?

Congratulations.

Very attractive.

Look, Marianne, if I disappear, people will know.

Ira, I know you don't believe this, but it does my heart good to see you

enjoying yourself.

I hope you get lucky.

What does that mean, get lucky?

I mean, I know what it means.

I knew when I was 15.

Well,

19.

You would have been proud of me, Sybil. I backed off. I gave Ira space.

Can I borrow the police car? I have to follow that woman home.

You should have seen me, Marianne. That kleptomaniac thought I was a real cop.

This year I am taking the sergeant's exam. I mean it. And you could pass,

but aren't those exams for real cops?

I don't care.

I am pumped up.

I am totally ready for this audition.

Freeze, you mothers!

is it?