All language subtitles for eight_is_enough_s02e11_all_s_fair_in_love_and_war

What's demonstrating?

Huh? Dad said you and Mary used to get
arrested in school for demonstrating.

Oh, hey, here. Earn while you learn. You
see, Nicholas, when you believe in

something strongly and you want somebody
to do something about it, you

demonstrate. Oh, well, what do you do?
You pick it, you march, you sit in.

Sit in?

Yeah. That's when you occupy a place and
you don't move until you get what you

want. Oh, well, what about Nancy?

Nancy? Yeah, she's demonstrating in the
bathroom. Nancy's demonstrating in the

bathroom? Yeah, she's been there over
half an hour, and Susan's sitting there

banging on the door.

No, see, that's not demonstrating,
Nicholas. That's called shampooing.

What's the matter?

Boy, for a big brother, you sure don't
explain things very well.

Why, you... I never... Where is the
bell?

Okay, okay, now, troops, the only way to
conquer this job is teamwork. Now, if

everybody pitches in and pulls his or
her own weight, the unpleasantness will

soon be behind us.

There'll be no gold -bricking allowed.

Wait a second, let me get this straight.

Our house is a mess.

A well -known fact.

And we want to hire a maid.

Immediately, if not sooner. So first we
clean up the mess, and then we hire a

maid? You got it, and on your first try,
too. That was great, fantastic,

terrific, Elizabeth.

What is the maid going to do when she
gets here? Mess the place up again? No,

Elizabeth, what we're trying to do is to
put our cleanest foot forward to make a

good impression.

But, Abby, she's going to think she's in
a house full of sanitation workers.

Oh, no, only until she gets to know us.

Now, we've all got our assignments. Are
there any questions?

Yes, the little lady in the blue blouse.
Speak up. Yes.

What are you in charge of? Oh, I'm glad
you asked that. I'm in charge of

inspections.

Okay, troops, now aren't... yourselves.
The battle of the century awaits.

Hello.

Abby, I've done something horrible. I
just got a call from an out -of -town

visitor, Richard Connery.

His father, Pete, is my most beloved
drinking companion.

Well, what's so horrible about that?

Well, if you're talking about Pete and
my drinking, I always got the hangovers.

But if you're talking about his son...

You know what I did? I invited him over
to the house for drinks without

consulting you first.

Oh, don't worry about that. The first
drink's for free, but if he wants a

refill, he's going to have to pitch it
on the cleaning detail.

Oh, I'll warn him.

I love you. I love you.

Bye.

What's your problem?

This house is disgusting. There's green
stuff all around the tub.

Yeah.

There's green stuff all over the
sandwich Nicholas stashed in the

too. Yuck.

I'm just not cut out for this work.

I would do anything, anything to get out
of it.

Yeah?

How much?

What? How much would it be worth to you,
in cash, not to do the bathroom?

What are you suggesting, little brother?

A step into my office, big sister.

until you look under their bed.

What'd you find?

Underneath your bed is a pile of

prehistoric cigarette butts.

It was just a phase?

Hey! Well, how are you guys? I mean, if
it doesn't hurt, you're probably not

doing it right.

of the degenerate, immoral, inhuman
thing that has moved into this very

neighborhood? What, porno movies?

We got rid of them once, and now they're
moving right back in on us again. Oh,

not porno movies, darn. We have got to
get organized today, right now, before

goes any further. This has got to be
stopped. Mary, what are you so steamed

about?

That! That's right here. That's it.

You've got to get organized. This entire
family has got to get organized now. We

already are organized. You've got the
screen porch. No, no, Susan. I'm not

talking about housecleaning. I am
talking about... Here it comes.

I'm talking about morality.

Are you sure you're not talking about
porno movies?

Oh, I'm glad that you're all here. I
would like you to hear this.

Academic credit.

Leadership. Development.

Challenges. Executive experience.

And earn $500 while you do it.

What's the catch?

Hard work?

Can we clean while we get?

The catch is, it's the United States
military.

The Pentagon war machine, it's back.

The ROTC has returned to our campuses.

Oh, where have you been, Mary? They've
had an office at the gym for a long time

now, you know.

Yeah, they even have a flagpole.

That's cute.

That's just horrific. You mean you guys
have known about this and you don't

care? Mary, do you know how long ago
that ROTC stuff was?

It's ancient history.

I don't even remember what was on TV
then.

Well, you don't think change, don't you?

Mary,

it's only the Reserve Officers Training
Corps. I mean, don't you think you're

getting a little carried away?

No, I don't think I'm getting carried
away. Not at all.

We're talking about the military
-industrial complex sneaking right back

our campuses.

I mean, they're putting our guys in
uniform. They're putting guns in their

hands. Abby, it's Vietnam all over
again.

Okay, a truce, everybody. Now, those of
you who are cleaning, could you get back

to your cleaning? And those of you who
are not cleaning, could you go pick up

Nicholas? He had to stay after school.

Nicholas? Yeah.

Abby, how do you feel about this, huh?

Like a U .N. observer.

Mary, Nicholas is waiting. Nicholas is
waiting.

Nicholas is waiting. Nicholas is
waiting.

Apple's away.

The principal really laid into you, huh,
Nicholas?

Yeah, Maloney's the one that starts the
fight, and I'm the one she keeps an hour

late after everyone else has gone home.

Everybody hasn't gone home. Maloney's
still here with some of his buddies.

Yeah? Yeah.

That way.

Well, lucky for him, I'm going this way.

Where's Bradford?

Bradford who?

Nicholas, by your sister.

I tell you, Pete's son Richard could
really give our kids a lesson or two.

I mean, he treats his father so well,
with so much respect.

He even laughs at his jokes.

They get along so well, it's hard to
believe they're related.

You know, well, some people like quality
and others like quantity.

Yeah, I guess you can't have both.

Tom, I was teasing. You've got quality,
too.

Oh, that's probably Richard. Now you'll
see what I mean when you meet him. He's

really terrific.

Wait, wait. Thomas, wait for me.

Daddy's here.

Hi, come on in.

I'm Mary. Hi, Richard Connery. Hi.

Richard! Oh, boy, it's nice to see you
again. It's been a long time. This is my

wife, Abby. Richard, you've already met
Mary?

Oh, this guy caused me more trouble as a
kid, huh?

How about a drink?

All right. Oh, good.

Oh, Richard, this is some of the family.

Susan and Joni. I'm Joni. I'm Connery.

Wouldn't you know it, we're out of ice.
Here, girls, go get some ice for

Richard. Listen to you, I want to hear
all about it. How's that?

Hey, Nancy.

Yes, Elizabeth.

Why is Dad making such a big deal over
this Richard Connery guy?

Oh, I don't know. Me.

Me too.

You know, I'm getting awfully tired of
this house cleaning thing Abby's gotten

us into.

I've already broken two fingernails
washing the windows.

Maybe you should talk to Tommy.

Tommy's patching fingernails? No, he's
washing windows.

Hmm, that's a change.

Did you use your fingers? You've only
got two ice cubes in here so far. Come

Okay, but don't tell anybody.

I wouldn't.

Are you sure you won't stay for dinner,
Richard?

How about another drink?

Oh, okay. Good. But easier, please. I'm
my father's son, not my father.

I really can't stay, Mary, but thanks.

So, when did you get into town?

Oh, I wish you hadn't asked that.

I got strict orders from the old man to
call Tom the moment I got in.

But the work's been kind of hectic, you
know. What kind of work do you do?

Music? Sports?

Tommy, you're looking at a guy with no
rhythm and semi -flat feet.

Actually, I'm regular Army, a captain.

His father was a brigadier general.

An Army captain in Sacramento?

Was Sacramento at war or something?

No, but if it was, we'd be ready.

I mean, it's more image -making than war
-making.

I'm setting up the new recruiting office
at the university.

Excuse me.

Do I have a ring around the collar or
something?

No, just a little family joke.

Yeah, honey, I'm not laughing.

See, Richard, Mary is still carrying a
grudge against the military on campus.

Oh.

Well, in that case, I'm glad I didn't
come over in uniform.

Yeah.

Listen, I'd be in the Army myself, but I
have a physical disability.

What, Dad?

No guts.

Hey,

I heard a good one about the Army the
other day. Oh, you never hear good ones.

Tom, maybe if you ask her to come down
for dinner.

No, I doubt it. Mary has never been one
to let food interfere with her political

convictions. And I'm not one to let her
rudeness interfere with my food. End of

conversation. Would you pass the string
beans, please?

I love them.

Nicholas, you're not eating.

I'm not hungry.

Oh? Are you having a sympathetic hunger
strike for Mary?

Or are you celebrating your heroics at
school today? I heard all about it.

He started it. Of course. In the history
of fights, there's never been one

started by the guy you're talking to.

Yeah, well, see, there's this big jerk
called Maloney and... Oh, please,

Nicholas, spare us the gory details.

And if he is big and a jerk, there's
even more reason that you should back

Yeah, well, what if he does?

Well, then he'd look sort of silly
standing there fighting with himself.

Hi, everybody.

Is there anything left?

Oh, yeah, there's plenty.

Oh, good, because I'm really hungry.

I worked up an appetite hauling all that
stuff back to the dump.

We're giving them an awful lot of
business.

I think they're thinking of renaming it
the Bradford Memorial something or

other.

Is it my imagination or is it awfully
quiet around here?

No, it's awfully quiet around here.

That's what I thought. What's wrong?

Certain members of this family are
declaring war on the ROTC.

And some big jerk named Maloney.

You missed a couple.

Oh, I'll get back to them.

A big job?

Yes. From each according to his ability,
to each according to his needs.

Karl Marx.

I didn't know we were communists.

Oh, we're not.

Only when we're cleaning.

Oh, speaking of cleaning, I've got a
proposition for you.

Shoot. Well, I think I'm in the position
to take your cleaning jobs off your

hands for a slight consideration.

Ahem.

Close the door.

How slight?

Five bucks.

That's slight?

To each according to his ability.

Oh, you're wrong.

Oh, listen, Tommy, could you do
something for me?

I am doing something. I'm cleaning your
study.

Yeah, but this is not actually for me.
It's really for Nicholas.

He already owes me 50 cents.

Oh, Tom, when are you going to learn
that everything around here is not on a

cash basis?

I mean, this is in the interest of peace
and harmony, not to mention the

orthopedic bill. Now, here's what I want
you to do. Tomorrow, go to Nicholas'

school and walk him home from school.

You mean like a bodyguard?

Yeah, sort of. I mean, don't make it
look obvious. Just make it look like,

just happened to drop by.

I got you.

Good. You know, uh...

You better make that $7 .50.

Boy, it's so quiet around here. It's
spooky.

Yeah.

Won't laugh, though.

Dad's dinner will be digested pretty
soon, and then... I just wish they'd get

over with.

It's like waiting for a thunderstorm to
hit.

Yeah. Find a seat and use it.

Stop hyperventilating!

Uh -oh, I think I just heard the first
raindrop!

I'm not hyperventilating. I'm steaming.

Dad, why do you always get so bent out
of shape over trivial things?

Oh, trivial, huh? Since when is being
rude to a guest in my house qualify as

being trivial?

Some guest?

Dad, an army captain. I mean, I can't
believe this whole thing.

That gross, wretched Pentagon War
machine sneaks right back into the

Why don't you just confine yourself to
the subject that we were talking about?

If you don't remember, it was being rude
to a guest in this house.

I'm not talking about etiquette. We're
talking about morality.

Oh, come off it with that morality.
Those people are doing what you're

them to do. That's right, Mary. You, the
wretched, gross voter, the taxpayer.

You know something? You're beginning to
sound like a typical tool of the media.

Isn't that amazing?

You know what I am? I am a tool of the
media.

The Sacramento Register, to be precise.

Who do you think pays the bills around
here?

Hush money. That's it. Hush money. Hush
money. It's a conspiracy, and you don't

even see it.

Okay, look, if you have an opinion that
you want to express, and I've never

known you not to have one, I'll tell you
what I want you to do. Go and dump it

on my co -conspirator's desk.

Yeah, why not?

I mean, if you really think that the
ROTC is destroying civilization the way

and I know it, well, then why yell at
me?

I mean, give it to the editors and yell
at everybody.

When you'll just see that it's printed,
right?

Oh, no, no, no. You'll see that it's
printed by making it lucid, concise,

and to the point.

And double -spaced on one side of the
paper.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for Richard Connery. Oh,
sure. Just a minute. Thank you.

McTatham?

There's somebody here to see you.

Hey, Mary.

Hi. How you doing? Fine, how are you?

You're looking good today.

You're a little out of context, aren't
you?

Boy, am I out of context.

Well, I don't know.

We're taking women these days. I mean,
we're an equal opportunity employer.

Oh. Well, I appreciate the offer,
Richard, but killing is not exactly my

expertise.

Oh, I see.

Well, what if we started you out as a
secretary and you kind of work your way

to killing?

Can't type.

That's too bad.

There's a serious shortage of killers
with secretarial skills.

You're a comedian.

Listen, Richard, I came here to
apologize to you for my rudeness last

Last night? Oh, oh, your dramatic exit.

You see, I seem to have this thing about
the military.

Yeah, a lot of people seem to these
days.

We're not terribly loved.

Well, I just want you to know that it
wasn't anything personal.

And I'm sorry.

Apology accepted.

Good.

I wrote a letter to the register last
night, and I think that maybe if you

it, you'll understand.

Okay. Sure.

Good. See you.

Bye. Bye -bye.

Why do I have this feeling I've just
been served a subpoena?

Oh, boy.

Here we go again, Joe.

The people of this country do not want
to be reminded of what institutions like

the ROTC stand for.

Just what is it they stand for?

They stand for Vietnam with all its
political gaps. And so forth. Skip to

end of that paragraph.

You've read it?

Yes, our editor was good enough to leave
a copy in my box this morning.

Is he going to run it?

The evening edition.

Apparently there's some new kind of
family equal time policy on this paper.

She really comes on strong.

She always has.

Listen, when is the copy deadline for
the evening edition?

An hour and a half.

You're going to reply?

Well, equal time.

Yeah, what about yesterday's column of
saving the Redwoods? They'll have to

it on their own some other time.

Okay. It's your home life.

And it's also my column. Scram.

Yes sir.

What's going on?

What are you doing here?

Well, I'm on a scavenger hunt. I tell
you what, why don't you walk me home?

What for?

Because I'm lonely.

Let's go.

So where'd you go?

We went to the pelican. The pelican?
It's here. It's here.

What's here? What's here? My letter. My
letter. Listen to this. Big deal, Mary.

Yeah, you read it to us three times
already. Come on. Will you be quiet for

minute?

I don't believe this. They left out the
whole paragraph about Johnson and Nixon.

Hey, are you an indignant reader? Yes, I
am. Well, look, you made Dad's column

today. He didn't. He did. He didn't.
Look, he used Thoreau against you.

Thoreau? Thoreau's on our side.

Thoreau went to jail rather than be
taxed for the Mexican War. Where is it?

There it is right there.

It was Thoreau himself.

the blessed inventor of civil
disobedience, who said, if man does not

with his companions, perhaps it is
because he hears a different drummer.

Let him step to the music which he
hears, however measured or far away.

Boy, you talk about quoting somebody out
of context, huh? Indignant reader, all

right. Indignant?

No, I'm not indignant. Not at all. I'm
furious. That's what I am. I'm furious.

can't believe this.

She's so cute when she's mad.

Furious? With me?

I would say that's a pretty fair
description.

The funny thing is that before she read
your column, she was in a very mellow

mood. Oh, how did that happen?

Oh, it seems that she dropped by the
ROTC office on campus to apologize to

Richard for her behavior last night.

Well, at least she's recovered her
manners, if not her judgment.

She seems to be quite taken with him.

Huh?

Mary taken with a tool of the military?

Yep. Uh -uh.

They're as far apart as Archie Bunker
and Meathead. Or Tracy and Hepburn. Hey,

did you know that they fought all the
time, too?

Well, all I know is that she said that
he was sharp as a tack, had a sense of

humor, and accepted her apology quite
graciously.

Does she know he's coming to dinner?

Yeah. And she said she was looking
forward to it.

Coming! Here I am.

Hey, Richard. How are you? How you
doing? Nice to see you. Come on in.

brought a little something for dinner.

Oh, that was nice of you. Yeah, a peace
offering. Very nice. I appreciate it.

Oh, and listen, don't worry about Mary.

She's completely over now. She promises
to be on her best behavior.

Come on in the living room. I'll make
you a drink.

Oh, that's too bad.

What's too bad? Oh, you mean about Mary?

Yeah, I was kind of looking forward to
tonight's maneuvers.

Maneuvers? You know, that's quite a
daughter you got there.

Right. Sharp, lots of class, character.

You know, I like feisty women. They turn
me on.

They, uh, turn you on?

It's just a matter of speaking.

Hey, come on, you guys, company.

But why not ask Dad?

Nicholas, Dad is strictly nonviolent.

He'll give you all that business about
sitting down and talking it over.

Yeah, but we already did.

And Melody said he's going to punch my
lights out.

Well, that's why you ought to talk to
Richard. He's a pro. They teach you that

stuff in the Army. Yeah, but that's
airplanes and tanks and things.

Nicholas, have you ever heard of hand
-to -hand combat?

You know, karate, kung fu, the martial
arts?

They really teach you that stuff in the
Army?

Yeah, it's like in the old movies.

Audie Murphy wiping out a whole German
machine gun nest with his bare hands.

Pow! Pow!

Pow! All right. All right.

Save it for after dinner, killer.

Tommy! Nicholas!

Dinner!

Okay, Nicholas, why don't you go on
downstairs?

I got some stuff to do.

A cleaning lady?

Una dama de cleaning?

Oh, this is the answering service.

From 7 to 5, Monday through Friday.

Gracias.

So there we were. Your father and me on
leave in Seoul.

Anyway, we wind up in this little joint.

Your father and I are sitting there, and
all of a sudden we feel that there's a

true redneck grunt.

And the doctor gives us the business.

I look at your father. Your father looks
at me. We know right away that if we

want to get out of there alive, we
better make a run for it.

So your father runs to the bar, and he
tosses me a bottle of rice wine.

And I take it like a triple threat back,
and I toss it as if it were a grenade

right at the grunts. With that, the two
of us hit the door, run out, and we run

right into... Six military policemen.

American, Australian, and Turkish.

And the provost marshal at theater
headquarters.

Isn't there anyone that I haven't told
that story to?

Not around here.

Anyway, Richard, did your father ever
tell you at the time that we were in

Melbourne? This is a fantastic story,
and it's true. Tom, I'm sure Richard's

heard them all.

Well, most of them, anyway.

Except the way I heard it, the third MP
was British, not Turkish.

Oh, no, definitely not. He was Turkish.
He was 6 '4", 225 pounds, and he had a

big, thick, black mustache.

He was Turkish.

Oh, uh, Mary, I read your letter to the
editor, and, um...

I respect the strength of your
convictions.

But you don't agree with them, right?

Well, now, what would I be doing in this
monkey suit if I thought that a

standing army was obsolete?

The uniform's not the problem.

It's the use of taxpayers' money to
support the recruiting of young,

impressionable minds.

They make it sound so exotic and
romantic.

Join the army. See the world.

Oh, yes, yes. It's very romantic.

So far, I've seen small parts of New
Jersey, Arkansas, and Northern

But that's just it. It's a rip -off.

Well, tell me this.

What's the difference between the Army
and a major corporation recruiting on

campuses? Not much, but at least they're
not tax -supported.

No, not directly, but we end up paying
higher consumer costs.

Look, Richard, nobody has to buy a car
or a computer, but we all have to pay

income tax.

Try stiffing Uncle Sam.

Nancy, are you kidding? You call that
rinse? Oh, you're a pervert. Come on,

at this. Oh, this one looks fun. Here
you go.

The boys are entertaining Richard. Lucky
Richard.

So where's your father?

Well, he's on a long -distance phone
call, and Mary's upstairs.

Yeah, reapplying her eyelashes.

You mean putting lead in her boxing
gloves? Did you see those two go at it?

Yeah, I know. You know, I haven't seen
Mary so worked up about a guy since

Do you remember what happened with Doug?
They hated each other so much, they

moved in together. Yeah.

Come on, you guys, you don't really
think she digs him, do you? Oh, sure she

does. Mary only likes guys she hates.
But an army captain?

I mean, she practically called him a
fascist. The lady doth protest too much,

think.

As you like it, act three, scene three.
Hamlet, act three, scene two.

What do you say we start gossiping and
finish the dishes?

Methinks we might. I think we better.

Tell you the truth, Nicholas, they kind
of frown on guys punching each other out

in the army.

They throw you in the brig for that.

Well, Richard, what Nicholas means is
the hand -to -hand combat stuff. You

judo, karate, things like that.

Yeah, if you could teach me some of
that, I'd really be able to get it on

Maloney.

Well, what do you need?

He's a pretty big guy.

Do you want him laid up in the hospital
for a few weeks, or just maybe break an

arm or a leg?

Gee, I don't really know about that.

Hey, well, what's the use in warming up
if you don't intend to pitch?

Do they really teach you how to break
arms and legs in the Army?

That's right.

Give you $200.

Yeah, but we try very hard not to let it
come in handy.

I mean, busting up people and killing
them is something we don't relate to.

Well, then what's the Army for?

Well, what's the fire department for?

I mean, you keep it around, you spend a
lot of money on it. With any kind of

luck, it's for nothing.

Yeah, but what about all those guys on
TV fighting at night?

Nobody's in the Army for the purpose of
dying, Nicholas.

Or even for fighting when common sense
says don't.

See, if you're up against an army that's
bigger than you or has you outnumbered,

you back up and split.

Commonly known as strategic withdrawal
or retreat.

One of our best soldiers was a guy named
George Washington, and retreat was his

best move.

Really? Absolutely.

So, still interested in learning how to
break arms and legs?

I think you tell good Army jokes.

Well, I want to tell my colleagues. We
don't want to hear your jokes. You can

learn from my colleagues.

I hate to break all this up, but I've
got to go. Oh, no.

Don't go, Richard. It's early.

Well, I've got to punch in at 0800.

You've got to keep the taxpayers happy,
huh, Mayor?

Well, I'll see Richard out.

Bye, Richard.

Hey, see you later.

Don't make it so long. Bye, Richard.
Good to see you again.

Bye. Bye -bye.

Oh, I don't believe it. She let him get
in the last shot without a comeback.

Looks like she's slowing down in her old
age, huh?

Yeah, maybe she really digs him, huh?

I want to thank you, Richard.

For what?

Well, for maybe straightening Nicholas
out a little bit.

You were very impressive in there.

Some of it's got to sink in.

Well, frankly, I don't think Nicholas is
the violent type.

Listen, I haven't been very fair to you.

Vietnam wasn't your fault.

What is this, another apology?

No, not really.

It's just something that... that I want
to say for me, and you can listen if you

want to listen.

Okay, go ahead.

There was this guy in high school, and
his name was Dennis.

Big... big lug of a guy, you know?

But sweet.

Wouldn't hurt a fly.

I mean, the war was over, Richard, and
we were pulling out, but Dennis didn't

make it.

For months after that, I couldn't get
his face out of my mind. Every time I

closed my eyes, I saw that sweet dumb
face.

Listen, lots of people lost someone over
there.

But Dennis wasn't a somebody yet,
Richard. He was 18.

I mean, he didn't have the chance to
grow up to be a man to fall in love. He

never had that chance.

I understand. I understand.

I mean, my best friend was killed in the
Maya Guez incident two years after

Dennis.

I know what you're saying.

Okay.

Get to bed, Nicholas.

I'm coming up there in five minutes, and
if you're not...

I feel like I haven't slept all week.
Who was upstairs making all the noise

night? Your father. He said he couldn't
sleep, but he didn't say why.

So how are you doing?

All right.

You know, that's the problem with
insomnia in this house. When one has it,

all suffer.

That's true.

What are you doing? I thought you and
Susan had this job in the kitchen.

So did I, but you know, it is the
strangest thing. Every time I ask how

housecleaning's coming, I get answers
like, fine, great, no problem, you know,

but I never see any results.

Hey,

Tommy, how's your end of the
housecleaning coming?

Oh, fine, great, no problem. I've got an
appointment before school.

Do you see what I mean? I mean, it is
totally frustrating. It's driving me

crazy. I don't know what I'm going to
do. So, Elizabeth, um...

How is the bathroom cleaning coming?

Fine, great. No problem, miss, and I got
to get ready for school. Goodbye.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Vicente, le podemos mandar la persona
que usted guste.

Está bien.

Buenos días.

Me llamo Tommy Bradford.

¿Cómo está usted?

¿Cómo está usted?

¿Cómo estamos usted?

I could have swore that was a second
-person plural indicative.

I believe it was a third -person plural
indicative.

I was educated in your country.

Oh. Are you interested in domestic
service?

Sí. I mean... I mean, yes.

Good. Why don't you sit down and fill
out an application?

Oh, you can fill it out in English.

Yeah, that'd be muy superoso.

Abby!

Abby!

Tom, you're home early. What's wrong?
What's wrong? Are you coming down with

something? No, no, I'm not coming down
with anything. I can't hold it in any

longer. I'm very upset. Have you noticed
what's going on between Richard and

Mary?

Yes, what goes on between Mary and most
people freaks me out. No, no, no.

They're having some kind of a thing.

crazy. I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy at
all.

Look, I'm a trained observer, and I've
seen it. That's why I was up last night.

I caught them in an unguarded moment,
and it looked very deep and thoughtful

tender. There are at least two deep,
thoughtful, and tender ones going on

every day of the week.

No, no. This looked like it could lead
to a meaningful relationship.

Not that I have anything against
Richard, mind you. I like him. I always

It's just that Mary doesn't realize what
this could lead to, the complications,

the hassles.

What are you really worried about?

Me, I guess.

Abby, I don't know. I try to think of
myself as an understanding liberal man

the 1970s, but I don't know. I mean,
it's not like we're living in the Union

South Africa. What is it, Abby? Am I a
bigot?

No, no, you're not.

Tom, really, sincerely, I don't see what
the problem is.

The problem is we're not
intellectualizing at a cocktail party.

The problem is this is a real -life
situation.

The problem is in front of the house.

You are a stubborn and bullheaded man.
Mary, your opinions are intelligent,

lucid, and well -intentioned. They also
happen to differ radically from my own.

Okay, okay, look.

You've got a duty to do as you see it,
and I've got a duty too, and I'm warning

you that I'm going to fight your ROTC
with everything I've got.

Well, as they say, all's fair in love
and war.

Enemies?

Enemies.

Tom, why don't you just ask Mary about
her real -life situation?

Come

here.

What are you doing here? Are you sick?
No, no, I'm not sick. I was worried

you. I noticed that Richard drove you
home.

Yeah, well, I guess you could say we
kind of work at the same place, you

Yeah. Look, I don't want you getting
into this thing over your head. This

with Richard, I mean.

Really? Why not?

Because, well, you're not aware of what
this thing is. I mean, things are not

always as simple as you make them, Mary.

Simple? Dad, this thing is just about as
simple as you can get.

Look, aren't you the one who always said
stick by what you believe in?

Besides believing, maybe you should do a
little thinking from time to time.

I don't want you to get hurt. Now just
stop and think about the ramifications.

Ramifications?

Dad, is it me you're worried about, or
you?

Or maybe your relationship with
Richard's father, or what?

I mean... I mean, I... I don't know what
I mean.

Okay.

When you do, maybe that would be a
better time to talk about it, huh?

Hi, champ. How you doing?

Oh, okay, I guess.

What are you doing around here?

Oh, I figured I'd cruise by.

I had an extra banana.

Figured you might like it. Sure.

A lot of teachers out here. When do they
eat?

Oh, when nobody's fighting.

You know, Nicholas, it's a funny thing
about bullies.

They're most dangerous when there's a
big crowd around so that they can show

off. But you get a bully alone and...

They're usually not much interested in
mixing things up.

Yeah? Yeah.

Now, I'm not telling you to go out and
get in a fight or anything.

Fighting never solves any problems.

Yeah, that's what Dad always says.

He's right.

You know what Dad also told me when I
was about your age?

When all else fails, cover your head and
leave with your left.

Hey, David, thanks for the banana.

Anytime, champ.

Anybody home?

Hey, Tom, how you doing? All right,
okay.

It's a nice place you have here.

Yeah, thanks, thanks. You want some
coffee or something? No, no, thanks,

I was having a talk with Mary, and I...

Poor guy.

I had one with him myself this morning.

Listen, I tell you, Richard, I'm very
concerned about you and her.

Well, we've known each other long enough
to talk straight to each other.

This thing is something that just
happens.

It's nobody's fault. I mean, Mary's a
fine person. She's a warm person with

instincts.

I'm sure she's a joy to all her friends.

Look, we don't have to analyze it. No,
no, we do. We do, Tom.

What I'm trying to say is Mary is not
required to be a joy to everybody.

The fact that she rubs some people the
wrong way, well, that's no reflection on

her or on you or on me, for that matter.
I don't follow you.

Well, Mary's strong -willed. I mean,
she's stubborn. She's probably the most

opinionated woman I've ever met.

Suddenly I get the feeling that you
don't like her very much.

Well, this is a free country, Tom. I
mean, nobody has to like anybody.

what I'm hearing.

Hey, I'm just being upfront, Tom.

I mean, actually, I don't dislike her. I
mean, I'm just tired of not getting

along with her.

I hope this doesn't affect our
relationship.

Oh, but it does.

But not the way you imagine.

I... It's incredible.

Why don't we get together tonight and
have dinner and then we can talk about

some more. How about it? Well, I'd like
to, but I can't.

Got a previous at Berkeley.

You've always got a previous at
Berkeley. What has Berkeley got?

Her name's Vicki.

Marvelous, huh?

When she gets her master's, we're
announcing our engagement.

Congratulations.

Has your father met her yet?

No, but he's crazy about her.

Why?

Well, you know how it is with these old
-fashioned liberals.

Want me to keep you company?

No.

Sometimes a guy's got to do things all
by himself.

You guys go down.

What you waiting for, Bradford? A bus?

I'm waiting for you. It's just you.

And for all.

Punch him out.

Oh, I see.

Well, listen, two things.

One, don't take all afternoon getting
home.

And two?

Two, stop pushing people around, all
right?

He's going to say something exciting.

You see, this thing has gone on long
enough. Now, I really want to know

what's going on here, and I will not
take. Fine, great, no problem for an

answer. So, would someone, would you all
please tell me, why is this house still

a mess?

Knowing that we Bradfords traditionally
take the easy way out, I figured I would

give each of you a chance to buy his or
her way out of their cleaning

assignment. And let me say, you have all
lived up to my expectations.

That's perfect, Connie. That's great.
But see, that doesn't get the house

and that means that we don't get a maid.

Ah, yes, yes, but we do. We do.

You see, I managed to collect $30, $20
of which we will take to buy a maid for

the initial cleanup.

After that, we're home free.

What about the extra $10?

Well, hey, a guy's got to make a profit
somewhere. I mean, I thought up this

brilliant scheme.

I might have known.

Hey, okay, okay, that's her, that's her.
Nobody be nervous, okay? Come in.

Everybody be normal.

Come in.

Buenos dias.

Buenos dias.

Juanita. Come in.

Everybody, I want you to meet Juanita.

Juanita, mi familia.

Su familia.

Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, seis.

Siete. Siete en una casa.

You forgot me.

Ocho.

Imposible.

Deben estar locos.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a
minute. Come back.

I'll give you a bonus.

She split.

All that work and all that time, she
splits on me. Tommy, you've got dos

choices. Uno, you can keep the money and
clean the entire house yourself. Are

you kidding?

Or those you can hire back your brothers
and sisters.

Well, guys, I tried.

And it looks like we are going to end up
cleaning the house ourselves.

Uh, $4. I wouldn't do the bathroom for
less than $5. But you only gave me $4.

So I've got to make a profit somehow.

Uh, $6 .50, please.

Yeah, $12 at least. Come on. Just
kidding.

A hundred dollars? I think I'm going
bankrupt.

Okay, then just give me a twenty.

Do you think we'll ever get this house
cleaned?

Oh, yes. I mean, Rome wasn't cleaned in
a day.

Oh, I see you're being comical.

So how's the study coming?

Well, I'm working on it.

No, really, cleaning is like writing.
You have to get into it. So when are you

going to get into it? I'm not into it
yet. Hey, Dad, what's for dinner?

Potluck. Hey, listen, do you think I can
spend the night at Maloney's?

Tomorrow's not a school day.

Maloney? The bully?

Why would you want to do that?

Well, two things.

One, he asked me. And?

And two, they're having spare ribs.

Oh, no, spare ribs. He always says that
wrong. It drives me crazy. I always say

spare ribs. How do you say it? Spare...

Give him a scare.