All language subtitles for Eight Is Enough s03e10 War Between the Bradfords

We'll show that Kenny P. Landers. Yeah,
we'll show him. Yeah, he won't push us

around anymore, huh?

Yeah, wait until I tell him my big
sister's gonna beat him up. Uh, no,

that's not the idea. Listen, after I
give you a few lessons, you'll be able

handle that Kenny P. Landers with one
hand. All by yourself.

I'd rather watch you handle him with
both hands. No, Nicholas.

But you said us.

Well, that's just trainer's talk.

You can't have other people fight your
battles.

Why not?

People won't respect you. Will they
respect me if Kenny P. Landis clobbers

again? We'll just have to make sure that
you clobber him first, eh? All right,

land one in there. Come on, let's go,
baby. Let's go, let's go.

I got a better idea. Maybe you should
teach me to run fast.

Come on, come on.

Where's the champ, eh?

There's a magic in the early morning we
found.

When the sunrise smiled on everything
around.

It's a portrait of the happiness that we
feel and

all we will.

Oh, it is enough to fill our.

And our days like bright and shiny new
dimes.

If we're ever puzzled by the changing
times.

There's a plate of homemade wishes on
the kitchen window

sill.

And eight is enough to fill our...

They say that we owe them $1 ,400.

Oh, I know.

You know that we owe Western Furniture
Gallery $1 ,400?

Well, so do you. It's for this desk that
you bought me because you wanted me to

stay away from yours, a man's desk in
his castle.

Oh, and it bothered you so much that you
went out and spent $1 ,400?

No, of course not. It should be $140.
The computer added an extra zero.

All right, so the computer slipped a
disc, but I still think we should do

something about it. They're threatening
to repossess. I was waiting for them to

bill us correctly.

I call them every week.

You call?

Abby, this is a place of business. When
they hear a woman's voice, they think

they can give her the runaround.

Is that so?

Yes. We have to show them that they're
not dealing with some hysterical

housewife. Remind me to call them up in
the morning. I'll fix it all up.

Well, maybe I should have Tommy or David
remind you in a man's voice.

Now what did I say that was wrong? Oh,
just about everything.

Wait, play this one next, okay, Tony?

Okay.

Hey, since when have you two guys been
sharing a record collection?

Oh, since El Cheapo here noticed the two
of us were wasting money by buying the

same albums twice.

Yeah, this is a great one right here,
Mary.

It's the new album from Oedipus and the
Mothers. Frankly, Tommy, that name just

gives me a complex.

Pretty catchy, huh? Stick around, you're
gonna like it. No, thanks, Mom.

Actually,

Tommy, I came in here to ask you
something. If it's about Abby's speech

you're wasting your breath.

Time to rock and roll.

And you want to drive all alone to
Glacier Lake and rent a cabin for the

weekend, and that's it? That's all you
want? You mean you don't mind? Of course

I mind. It's dangerous, it's remote,
and... And what, Dad?

And expensive.

That's it. It's too expensive.

Wait a minute, Dad.

David gets to go camping whenever he
likes.

Wait, Dad, don't say it. David is
different.

That's right. David pays his own way.
Oh, come on, Dad. There it is again. The

same old smoke screen. David's not a
daughter. David's got a job.

Well, I've had jobs.

That's the problem. You've had six jobs
in the last two months. For which I was

badly overqualified.

Now, look, when you can get three
consecutive paychecks, we'll talk.

Right now, can we change the subject
before we ruin this lunch that you're

buying me?

Now, let's see.

What should I have? Whatever you can
afford, Dad.

Whatever I can afford? I thought you
were taking me to lunch. Oh, you're not

suggesting that two helpless females pay
for a man's meal.

I'll have a jumbo salad.

Yeah, and I'll have a steak and lobster.

I still must be saying something wrong.

Look, Tommy, can't you reconsider? This
is going to be a big evening for Abby.

We should all be there with her. Look,
it's only a speech. No, really, it's

than that. I mean, being the keynote
speaker at Women's Week Open House is a

honor. Abby was hand -chosen by the
school board.

Yeah, and I was hand -chosen to mow this
lawn, which is making me too tired to

go anywhere tonight.

Tommy, you know you are going to be the
only member of this family that won't be

there to cheer her. Yeah, I wouldn't
cheer anyway.

If a bunch of females get off on
listening to speeches about how equal

then that's fine, but I'm not
interested.

Boy, I never realized before, you are a
sexist.

No, in this house, I'm just a member of
a downtrodden minority. Now get out of

my way and let me slave.

That rotten David.

Why blame him, Susan? Why not?

Look, I resent the fact that Dad lets
David have a life of his own, but not

It's because David can pay for what he
wants. Uh -uh, it's because David's

We could take care of ourselves at
Glacier. It's not fair.

Well, if you just want to sit around
feeling sorry for yourself.

Oh, now, what's that supposed to mean?

It means, Susan, I just heard the
eloquent Tom Bradford paint himself

a corner. Huh?

Well, he didn't say we couldn't take the
cabin. He just said we couldn't pay for

it. No, but that's not what he meant.

I know, but that's what he said. And I,
for one, am going to make him stick to

it. How?

By getting a good job. That'll pay for
the trip. And by calling Dad's bluff.

Never happened. Behind that financial
smokescreen lurks the real Tom Bradford.

Nancy, our Dad's a chauvinist.

If that's the way you want to look at
it, fine.

But I will send you a postcard from
Glacier Lake.

See ya.

Good luck.

Excuse me?

What is it, sweetheart?

Key to the restroom or courteous free
directions?

No, I... Well... Squeak a little louder,
will you? I can't hear you. The job.

I'd like to apply for the job.

Oh.

Hi.

What is this, a gig?

No, no, it's a job. I need a job. And
the sign says it pays $4 an hour.

I know what it pays.

I'm sorry, sweetheart.

Something tells me it just wouldn't work
out.

Like what?

Like your high heels, your skirt, and
your nail polish.

I'm looking for a gas jockey here,
honey. What am I going to do with a

girl who could stop traffic?

Forget it.

come to think of it, we could use some
more traffic around here. Sure, why not?

You know, I gotta broaden my horizons,
keep in step with the times. Oh, thank

you, sir. You're not gonna regret this.
You know, I really appreciate an

employer who believes in equal
opportunity.

Thank you, thank you.

Well, let me tell you something, kid.

There's nobody in the gas biz who
believes more in opportunity than your

here, Artie.

sure you don't mind, because if you do,
I can march right upstairs and put on a

tie. Listen, Tom, if you don't want to
go, I understand.

Well, it was a tiring day, and... Is
Nicholas ready yet?

Uh -oh, you're changing the subject.
That means you're mad. Who's mad?

You've had a long day. You must be
exhausted.

Exactly. Maybe before we leave, I should
help you to the couch.

Oh, now you just gave me the harpoon.
That means you're really angry. Don't

it. I'm not angry, Tom. I'm just... I'm
hurt.

I mean, I know you don't like speeches,
and I know this is a long speech, but it

is my speech, and I hoped you'd at least
be interested to hear what I had to

say. Oh, is that all that's bothering
you? Yes, Tom, that's all. Well, I know

what you said. I read your speech last
night. And?

And it was nice. It was good. It was
well -constructed, good style, and it

didn't have any of the usual grammar
problems, you know, and syntax.

Why are you looking at me like that?

Why do all of a sudden I fear for my
life?

You looked it over for mistakes?

Oh, no, not exactly. It's just that I
was interested in you. I like you. But

it lacks the logic and incisiveness of a
Mr.

Tom Bradford article, is that it?

You said that. I didn't say that. That's
right, I said that, but I'm through

talking. Is Nicholas ready yet?

How could you?

Wasn't easy.

Oh!

Nicholas! Nicholas, what's wrong? What's
happening?

You okay?

Oh, it hurts. Where did it hurt?

Well, I think it's my appendicyclist.

Your appendicyclist?

Your appendix, Nicholas, is down here.

Oh, oh. Well, you know how the pain
travels a lot, you know?

Mm -hmm.

So when did this start? You were okay at
dinner.

Oh, dinner. Dinner was my big mistake.

So I guess this means you won't be going
with us tonight?

Oh, yeah.

Talk about your wrong luck.

Guess I'll see you later.

Nicholas isn't coming. Let's go.

What's with Nicholas?

His appendix burst.

Why? Oh, don't worry. It'll unburst as
soon as the girls and I leave.

Oh. That was David that called. He's got
a hot card game and won't be joining.

Well, look, I'll go up and change.

Oh, just forget it, Tom.

I will not be patronized. For now, I
just want to get out of here before I

something you'll regret. But, Abby, I...
Now, listen.

Why are they angry?

I can't figure these women out.

I'm tired.

Abby, you'll never guess who I had lunch
with today.

No, but that's close. It was Nancy and
Susan.

They took me to this restaurant down on
Lock Street at Daycare.

Oh, yes. Now, you was very good, very
tasty, you know.

Cute isn't going to work.

Listen, Abby, I didn't get over to the
furniture store, but I'll get around to

it tomorrow.

You didn't happen to hear from them, did
you?

Oh, that's good. No reason to bother you
with it.

Oh, no. Not the door.

She's getting very good at that.

Abby was so depressed that the guys
didn't show up.

I mean, besides that speech, she didn't
say a word all evening.

I don't blame her a bit.

And Tommy is the worst. He's so
obnoxious, so insensitive.

Tommy? What about David?

We lost him to a card game with the
boys.

Yeah. The rooster party.

Now, supposing that tonight, instead of
Abby, it was Dad being honored.

What do you think the chances would be
that one of us would get out of it?

Slender. Right.

It's much easier to take women for
granted than it is to treat them with

dignity. Aren't we being just a bit
oversensitive?

Wrong. The problem is we have been under
-sensitive to the sexist structure of

this family. Yeah, and the question is,
what are we going to do about it? Oh,

don't tell me you guys are still sitting
around feeling sorry for yourselves.

We're not guys, Nan.

You know something? I do not understand
you. Doesn't it bother you that Dad

won't let you go to Glacier Lake?

Well, sure it does, Mary.

But instead of complaining, at least I
went out and did something about it.

Gosh, Mary, you know, I really thought
you'd be proud of me. Proud of you for

what?

Well... I'm the first woman ever to work
at Artie's Octoline gas station.

Don't you see, guys? I'm a barrier
breaker.

Oh, and that's why you took the job,
right? To strike a blow for feminism.

No, actually, I took the job because of
the money.

Yeah.

Well,

at least I do have the satisfaction of
knowing I didn't get this job simply

because I was a woman.

I got it because, uh...

Artie thinks I'm very intelligent and
more than capable of doing the job.

Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, gosh.

What for?

Oh, this thing in my jig got stuck and I
spilled gas all over your car. Relax.

Don't worry. I'll take care of it later.

What time do you get off work?

Well, if my boss catches you doing this
for me, it may be in the next ten

seconds. Terrific. I'll drive you home.

Thank you.

I like that.

Frankly, no.

I think the only thing Nancy knows about
a car is that the rearview mirror is

too small to do your hair by.

I should have known you'd be totally
blind to her exploitation.

Exploit what?

David, would you open your eyes for
once?

Look at that. Claude Hardy is using her
as a sex symbol to push his air

-polluting gasoline.

I'm going to straighten your mouth. No.
You want to get her in trouble?

No, dummy. I'm trying to save her.

Just calm down.

Nancy, do you know what you're doing?
Yeah, I'm making $4 an hour if I could

some cooperation around here. Exactly
what I'm trying to tell Mary.

You know, you don't even care if your
little sister here suffers indignity and

degradation. Hey, could you argue later,
guys? I've got other customers.

Come on, Mary, let her work.

Yeah. This is not work. This is sexist
oppression.

And the only reason that you don't see
that, David Bradford, is because you're

one of the oppressors.

I suppose I oppressed you into a free
ride.

That's a cheap shot.

You're calling me cheap.

Among other things, yes.

Oh, really?

Well, I guess you'll have a lot of time
to think about all those other things

while you're walking home.

While I'm doing what?

Come on. Get out. Get out. I'm not going
to die. Are you serious?

Are you David Bradford?

Who the heck were they?

Never saw them before in my life.

Gee,

there's more.

Creeps coming in here every day.

The billing problem can be solved.

Well, yes, you just come down here and
ask for me, Mr. Allen.

I really must go. Do I have a customer
waiting? Yes, thank you. Bye.

Now, what can I do for you, Mr. Brandon?

No, no, no. It's Bradford.

You charged me $1 ,400 for a desk.

That's impossible.

We have no $1 ,400 desks. Exactly. You
overbilled me ten times the actual

amount. I have the sales slip right
here.

Ah.

I see it now.

Naughty, naughty computer.

Yes, naughty, naughty indeed.

You know, it's not like I'm a new
customer. I'm still paying you off on my

living room set.

We appreciate your coming down to
clarify this, Mr. Brandon.

No, no, it's Bradford.

I'm sorry I took so long. I shouldn't
have delegated the responsibility.

But I have here a check for $140.

Now, if you could just use that to have
a man -to -man talk with your naughty,

naughty computer, I think we can both go
about our business.

You know Mr.

Bradford. I'd like to thank you for
being so sensible and coming to the

the matter.

Usually, I have only hysterical
housewives to deal with.

I know what you mean. Don't take it
personally, but...

There is a lot of that going on these
days.

Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, no!

Jody!

Look at my shirt.

Hey, not bad. but I wouldn't have bought
one with a burn in it. I'll take the

$18 .95 plus tax that the shirt costs
and an apology to go with it, Joanie.

Oh, you will, huh?

Only a dimwit could do this. Next time,
why don't you daydream while you're

ironing your own shirts, will you? Oh,
boy.

Young Prince Tommy II, huh?

Oh, go ahead. Call me names. All I'm
asking is that you guys respect a guy's

property. What about respecting a
woman's feelings, huh?

We're talking about my shirt. I don't
even understand what your feelings have

do with it.

Boy, you sure don't.

I'll tell you something, Tommy. Until
you do, you can just iron your own

All right.

This is boring.

And it was this Humpty Bogart anyway.

Humphrey Nicholas.

Not Humpty. Humphrey. But who is he?

If you quiet and watch this, you might
find out.

But I want to watch the back.

Basketball game.

Well, what am I supposed to do? Miss the
end of the movie just so you can watch

a dumb basketball game?

I need some hands to set the table.

They don't have to be large hands and
they don't have to be female.

Can't you take a hint?

What hint?

Abby needs help in the kitchen.

Oh, good. Then I'll be alone to watch
the basketball game.

No, Nicholas.

Just this once, we're not going to do it
your way. There were other people in

this family, and I'm not moving until
this movie is over.

Hey, where's the basketball game?

Yeah, all right.

I can't believe this.

I don't believe this.

David can hang his jacket anywhere in
this house, and he chooses the floor.

Because he knows you'll pick it up. But
he never used to do that.

Elizabeth. Is this just my imagination,
or lately have the guys been treating us

like... Like second -class citizens? No,
actually, I was thinking of third

-class.

No, it's not your imagination, and we're
all getting pretty angry about it.

Well, when did things get so out of hand
around here?

Why am I picking this up?

I'm going to see how long it sits there.
Hello.

I saw David's van outside. Does that
mean the game has started?

Tom, this is a chair. It's not a closet
hook or hanger. Chairs are for people,

not jackets.

This... is a jacket.

There's a place for jackets, and we both
know where that place is.

All right, all right. You made your
point.

I hope so.

I think she should have to pay for it.
Yeah, you're right.

See, Nicholas agrees with me. Yeah, big
deal. You don't think you ought to pay

me for ironing your shirts week after
week. That's what's really... Excuse me,

there's a TV set on here. Oh, big deal.
I want you your own house.

see any of the rotten creeps in this
room?

Yeah, I can name one.

Two and a half miles.

David, do you know the last time that I
have walked two and a half miles? Why'd

you have to do that, Mary? He knows.

And I'm waiting for an apology from me
and Nancy.

Well, then you have a long wait because
you don't deserve one and Nancy didn't

ask for one.

David, I found something of yours in the
kitchen.

If I have my suspicions, I would still
like to know what this is all about.

Respect, dignity, courtesy, fairness.

And it's about time the men in this
family got some.

Stop the yelling.

Stop the yelling.

There will be no yelling in this house.
Do you understand?

Now, that's better.

Abby and I are going out to dinner.

Now try to behave like ladies and
gentlemen, all right? And in our

don't want anything but courtesy, calm,
and quiet.

Courtesy. Calm.

Quiet.

I knew I'd encounter it.

I'm getting a headache. Glad to hear it.
Good.

You know, that's another problem with
women. They never know when to shut up.

kidding. All right, doesn't matter.

Okay, argue all you want, because we're
not going to answer you. Okay, guys?

Right.

This mindless provocation isn't going to
work.

Maybe it is.

Congratulations.

Oh, yeah?

Really.

Fine, you punk!

Fine! Fine! Fine!

If that's the way you want it, then
that's the way you're going to get it.

means war.

Charge!

Let me explain. Forget it, David.

There's nothing that you could say right
now that would make me happy.

I assume that this will be cleaned up
immediately, if not sooner.

Dad, this is war.

This is also our kitchen.

I don't know how you're going to do it,
but when I get down here tomorrow

morning, I expect this place to be
spotless.

Spotless? Spotless!

You know, someday they're going to
surprise me and grow up. Don't bet on

They take after their father. Come on. I
thought we were finished with that

argument. Hardly. Tom, I am perfectly
capable of ordering a meal in a

myself. It's just force of habit, and
you had no right to embarrass me in

of all those people. Embarrass you? I
was the one being treated like a four

-year -old. When are you going to
realize that I don't like being treated

an appendage? There's nothing wrong with
a man ordering dinner for his wife.

My,

my, we seem to have run out of eggs.

And bacon. And plates.

They didn't run out.

They're just not serving us.

That's correct, Nicholas.

You gentlemen know where everything is.

You can fix your own breakfast.

In fact, you'll be doing a lot of things
for yourselves in the next few days.

Oh, I see. The battlefield has been
cleared, but the war rages on.

Precisely. And the terms for negotiable
settlement are respect and dignity.

I see.

All right, Nicholas, you better go get
the zappies and some bowls. It looks

we're on our own this morning.

Ah, airmail.

Let's see, what do we have here?

It's a furniture store. Guess what? I
went down there yesterday and I gave

140...

$12 .60. How can I owe them $12 .60?

It's simple.

I mean, they obviously subtracted $140
from $1 ,400, moved the decibel two

places. No, no, no. I went over that
with them step by step.

Oh, Tom, don't take it so hard. I know
stores like this. They hear a man's

voice, they think they can give him the
runaround.

All right, Nicholas, bring on the happy
zappy.

It's 50 -50 time. I'm not sharing my
record collection with a crazy person.

Okay, that's fine with me.

Hey, no, no, wait a minute. I want the
Springsteen album.

Then go buy it. Possession is nine
-tenths of the law.

How many nights a week do you want to
use the stereo?

Seven. Yeah, well, you'll have custody
of it Mondays and Wednesdays and one

night during the weekend.

I don't think we have anything further
to discuss.

We made ourselves perfectly clear.

You mean you won't iron my shirts?

Okay. Okay?

If that's the way you want it.

Be prepared to suffer the consequences.

You're bluffing.

Yes.

Right. Well, he just walked in. Just a
minute, please.

It's the furniture store. They'll be
presenting our debt tomorrow at 5 p .m.

hello. Listen, I gave you a check for
$140.

I don't care what your computer says.

Just talk to Mr. Allen, would you? He'll
explain everything.

Mr. Allen.

All right, forget it. What do you say I
owe you? $12 .60?

Very good. You'll have it in the
morning.

What are you doing? What am I doing? I'm
getting a desk off my back. They say

they will end this thing once and for
all if I give them $12 .60.

Well, very good. Then so be it.

That's so typical.

I'm not listening.

Men try to buy their way out of
everything. What they can't take care of

intellectually, they take care of
financially.

Now, I'll bring this over to them in the
morning, and that will be the end of

it. Wait.

Tommy, what are you doing? I'd just like
to take this opportunity to point out

that there are plenty of things that the
guys do around here that you girls take

for granted, like the laundry.

Tommy.

Now, I could go throw this out on the
front lawn, but I guess I made my point.

I'll just be a man about it.

That's one for our side, Dad.

Somebody's got to be in charge of our
laundry. I made a fool of myself last

night. Mary, I thought you did the
laundry.

Oh, no, Tommy took over last year.

Last year? So I was informed.

You know, I never thought to ask.

Hey, come on, Elizabeth, the cause, huh?
What do you say? Yeah.

Okay, I'll volunteer.

Good. Two, take everything to the
cleaners. The cleaners? No, no,

look, you're missing the point. If you
take our laundry to the cleaners, you're

going to be proving Tommy right.

I don't want him getting any
satisfaction out of this. Really?

Okay, when you put it that way, I guess
it makes sense. Good. And don't forget

the fabric softener. I like my jeans
soft.

Bye. And if you really want to impress
me, try mowing the lawn, front and back,

somewhere to the tune of half an acre.
Bye, Tommy. Bye -bye. Hey, that's fine,

Tommy. We'll mow the lawn.

Hey, you want the house repainted? We'll
do that, too, because we want to...

Thanks for the help.

Oh, I'm not interested in your petty
quarrels. At least when I work, I get

See ya.

Drink, traitor!

Grease monkey!

The girls are starting to crack. I'm
seeing signs of surrender.

Surrender? They're out there right now
mowing the lawn.

And very badly.

You know, I think we ought to make the
first gesture.

Oh, no. Here it comes.

Let's be big about this. Let's
apologize.

Yeah, let's apologize.

I hate washing things.

Nicholas, this thing isn't just about
washing clothes and mowing lawns.

Well, then what's it about?

Well, it's sort of complicated. It has
to do with men and women and, uh, sex

roles. Sex roles?

Am I old enough to know about sex roles?

Here, Nicholas, hold this.

It's a sex roll.

You guys are putting me on.

Oh, hiya, kid. We're here from the
furniture store. Your folks should be

expecting us. Oh, yeah, for the desk?

Desk? No, actually... Oh, that's right,
kid, the desk.

Oh, well, I guess you can come in. The
desk's in the living room, and my

are upstairs.

Thanks, kid.

Why am I upset?

Because I come home looking for some
love and affection.

What about respect?

Oh, here we go again. I respect you. I
respect you. What do you want me to do,

build a shrine in your honor? Oh, come
on, Tom.

Talk is cheap. You don't show respect
with mere words.

I don't know what it is that you want.
We're simply trying to make a point.

What is the point? That Nicholas should
wash the dishes and Susan should mow the

lawn? No, that the women in this house
are people, too, and we won't tolerate

being treated as second -class citizens.

Look, Tom, I know you think that this
whole war thing is childish, and maybe

you're right, but if it's opened a few
eyes around here, then maybe it's been

worth it.

What is this? Nicholas, what happened?

Well, some guys from the store came and
said they wanted the desk.

All right, this is a warning.

If any of you feel compelled to say
something cute, you can go and find

another place to live.

What's the lawyer saying, Dad? Shh,
Nicholas.

All right.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

Well?

Western Furniture Galleries has what is
known as a revolving credit plan. When

we didn't pay for the desk in the
required 90 days, they claimed they have

right to repossess our living room,
which we'd bought on time and are still

paying for.

But, Dad, you paid them an additional
$12.

Tell me about it. Well, who repossesses
furniture for $12?

Not who.

But what?

Our computer, Mr. Bradford. I'm afraid
it's only aware of the fact that you owe

money, not how much. Well, don't you
think that somebody should tell us? Tom,

please. Don't please me. As far as I'm
concerned, this store can kiss my future

business goodbye.

We appreciate your anger, Mr. Bradford.

Personally, I find this whole situation
regrettable. Oh, really? Now, look, I

paid $152 for a $140 desk. Now, how can
I possibly owe you money?

You see...

You owed us $12 .60.

Well, then you made a payment of $12
.60.

But I'm afraid there's still a balance
showing in the balance owed column.

Yeah, $0 .00.

That's what I owe you, $0 .00.

Isn't it funny how things work, pal? No,
it's not funny. Well, when can we get

our furniture back?

Well, I'm afraid that a computer follow
-up could take some time to unravel.

Just long enough for me to call my
lawyer and sue the chandeliers off this

place.

Um, may I make a suggestion?

Thank you.

My pleasure. Oh, no. The pleasure is all
mine.

Usually I only have hysterical husbands
to deal with.

Nicholas, eat your dinner.

I'm not so hungry.

But you love pizza.

I loved it the day before yesterday.

I liked it yesterday.

I don't like it so much today.

Yeah, well, it's convenient and they
deliver.

They're having a whole meal with lots of
courses and strawberry shortcake for

dessert. Yeah, go ahead, Nicholas.

Defect. What does that mean?

Be a fake chicken out. Join the enemy.

All right, Tommy, lay off.

Nicholas, if you want to go in there and
have dinner with the women, I'm sure

they'll let you.

Boy, after this, I'm never, ever having
pizza again.

Famous last words.

Nicholas, war is heck.

Sure is.

Come in.

Nicholas, what are you doing up?

It's almost midnight.

Hey, are you all right?

You want to come in for a while?

Do you have a bad dream?

What is it, Nicholas?

Can I have a hug?

Of course you can.

One

more

syrup, Nicholas?

No, thanks.

What are you waiting for? Dig in.

You mean undeflected? Uh, you mean
defected, don't you?

Yeah. No, Nicholas, what it means is
that you're the only male around who had

enough character to admit he was wrong.

Hey, Nicholas, you made pancakes.

Far out.

No, I defected.

They brainwashed you. We can do with
pancakes.

Uh, excuse me, Tommy, but for your
information, Nicholas and I had a little

last night, and he was man enough to say
he was sorry.

Sorry? Sorry about what?

About the way he treated Abby.

About not setting the table. About
taking us all for granted.

Unconditional surrender.

Actually, Tommy, I'd call it liberation.

Nicholas, you just sold your birthright
for a stack of pancakes.

I didn't either. Girls are people too.

You're brainwashed. Definitely
brainwashed.

Hey, Nicholas, can I have a bite of your
pancakes?

Repairing automatic transmissions?
Sounds romantic.

Nancy, I wonder if I could ask you a
favor?

Can't you see I'm busy?

I've decided to become a mechanic.

I know you're all wrapped up in
automatic transmissions, but, well, you

you're the only person who can do this
for me.

Do what, Elizabeth?

Ask Tommy to borrow the record player.

Now, why would I want to do a thing like
that?

So that I can listen to the new Paul
McCartney album.

Why don't you ask him?

I can't. We're not talking.

But see, you're a neutral, Nancy. You
know, kind of like Switzerland.

I'm flattered.

But I don't feel like being Switzerland
at the moment, thank you.

Oh, go ahead and turn a deaf ear on a
sister in need.

If automatic transmissions are more
important than sisterhood... You're

Women are so emotional.

No, thanks.

I've been doing a lot of walking lately,
and frankly, I'm getting used to it.

Listen, would it make you feel any
better if I stepped in front of a train?

All right.

Look, Mary, let's face it.

I'm rotten.

I'm selfish.

I'm inconsiderate.

I'm probably the worst brother a girl
could have, and I'm an insult to the

race.

Well, at least now you're being honest.

And I brought you something.

A pistachio twirl.

It's half -eaten.

No, it's been melting all over the front
seat.

Now it's melting all over my hand. Come
on.

All right.

Thanks.

But, you know, an ice cream cone doesn't
change things. Oh, sure it does.

At least now we're speaking to each
other.

And it gives me a chance to say I'm
sorry.

But you're not saying you were wrong.

I don't know if I was wrong or right.

And at this point, I don't even care.

What I do know is that I haven't seen
you smile for days.

And I'm sorry if I've taken you and that
smile for granted.

You know something?

I remember when we were kids and we had
a fight.

I always knew that you were going to
make up with me when you brought me the

pistachio twirl ice cream cone. And if I
recall correctly, you'd always forgive

me by the time you were finished.

I'll let you know.

So you want to be a mechanic?

Uh -huh.

Terrific, doll, terrific.

Artie, I'm serious.

So am I.

You are?

Absolutely.

I don't like passive women.

I like a go -getter. I like a woman with
a little fire.

What do you think, Sardi?

You know what you want.

And I can understand that because I know
what I want.

What's that?

A woman who knows what she wants.

Oh.

Oh! You mean me?

Quick, too.

Besides,

How often do you get a chance to spend
time with a guy who owns his own

business?

Oh, Artie, this isn't what I had in
mind. Look, we're both mature people.

Now, you want something from me, I want
something from you.

Have we got a deal?

A deal?

Why, I wouldn't even watch TV with you.
You're nothing but a sexist,

chauvinistic, egotistical male.

What's the matter, princess?

Am I too much of a man for you? No,
you're too much of a creep for me.

And you can keep the uniform.

Okay, now the purpose of this meeting is
simply to talk.

To air out differences.

to find out exactly what happened this
week and how to prevent it from ever

happening again.

Or at least not too often.

Now, some pretty strong accusations were
made.

Feelings were hurt.

And I think we better clear the air
before this thing gets entirely out of

Now, let's be honest, because it's not
going to do any good to pull any

Is that agreed?

Yes. Yeah.

Okay. Okay.

Who wants to begin?

My sentiments, exactly.

Still, I can't just let you kiss me like
that and have everything be all right.

Why not?

You kissed me back.

I lost my head.

Keep your head. I only want your heart.

Oh, Tom, that's not so corny. I can't
help it. I get corny when I'm in love.

I also say and do things that cause
other people pain, even though that's

worst thing in the world I'd want to do.

Can I interpret that as an apology?

Grab it while it's hot.

friends we're friends until i wish the
kids had a pleasure of making up the way

we do i don't think they want to i've
never seen them so angry with each other

my gosh oh

what's happening oh my the war's over
the

neighbors they don't have to hear us be
barking anymore

This is rather sudden, isn't it? Oh,
yeah, but war gets to be such a drag

a while. Besides, we work things out.
Yeah. And we all deflect.

Oh,

good. We're a family again.

Yeah, I feel like we should sing Auld
Lang Syne. Let's all push it, Tommy.

Here comes the last angry brat for now.

Something wrong, Nancy?

What do you care?

All you men care about are yourselves.

Well, let me tell you something. Women
are people too, you know. And there

a time when a person gets fed up to here
with being taken advantage of.

Right, Mary?

Right,

Joanie?

Yeah, sort of.

Hey, what's going on around here? I
thought we were having a war.

Nance, we made up.

You made up?

But they're men.

They're chauvinistic, selfish,
egotistical...

Good old dance. Always the last one on
the bandwagon. Look at that face. Don't

you think men are cute too?

Come on, Nicholas, you survived.

Not if I hadn't defected. I was almost a
goner.

I'll get it.

If it's a man, tell him Nancy isn't
here.

Well, wait a minute. I've changed my
position.

Men are okay now and then. As long as
they're not named Artie. Hey, it's the

guys from the store in the city. Have
our furniture!

How'd you beat the computer, Abby?
Simply by relating to it on its own

Which is?

It wanted zero dollars and zero cents,
so I wrote it a check for zero dollars

and zero cents.

Are they bringing our furniture back in,
Tom?

What's the matter?

It's not our furniture.

You win a few, you lose a few.

I'm getting rained out.