All language subtitles for Eight Is Enough s02e16 Author Author

Dad, stop. Wait.

My teacher said we're supposed to write
a story for tomorrow.

You want to hear mine?

Oh, yeah, sure. I'd love to hear your
story.

Right here?

Uh -huh.

I'll write my pocket there.

This boy went to the store to buy a
kite. When he got there, the man told

the kite costed $1 .25.

So the boy took all the money out of his
pocket and counted 82 cents.

That's it?

Uh -huh.

Oh, your story has a very nice start,
but there is no ending.

What's an ending?

An ending is how the story ends.

Oh, Dad, can I buy...

You are something.

I love happy endings.

Editorial. Sport.

I got the sports. I got to cut it up for
school.

You know, with a family this large,
you'd think we could afford two

You have nothing to worry about. You
always have the choice of food and

or the classified.

Yes, but do you really think that
David's going to go along with all this?

he owes me for going out with that
friend of his.

You know, the one with the garlic
breath?

Yeah, but, you know, I didn't think he
was that bad. Oh, he was an android.

Appointed ambassador to Togo.

Oh, no.

Jake Hanley appointed ambassador to
Togo.

Well, who's Jake Hanley and where's
Togo?

Hmm? Togo is a nation in Africa. Jake
Hanley and I went to college together.

If it hadn't been for me, he would never
have passed. Poli Sci won.

I had to hold his hand through the
entire semester.

It's a miracle that he passed the
finals.

Dad, are you sure that this is the same
Jake Hanley? Oh, yeah, sure. Here's his

picture. He doesn't look any smarter now
than he did then.

Well, can this guy read and write? He
doesn't have to. He went right into his

father's law firm. Boy, what an exciting
thing.

Can you imagine in the middle of your
life taking off on an adventure like

And to be the ambassador to Togo, no
less?

Hope he can find it.

Dad, where exactly is Togo?

Oh, well, here's Africa, right?

And here's the Sahara Desert.

And then right under the Sahara Desert,
you have the Belgian Congo.

Wait a minute. Dad, there hasn't been a
Belgian Congo for 18 years. I think you

mean Zaire. Oh, yes.

They keep changing. I can't keep up with
the changes. Anyway, it's right down

here to the left, I think.

It's there.

What the heck is this all about?

What dedication?

The man has just written his 3 ,000th
column and he doesn't even know it. My 3

,000th column?

You want to blow out the candles?

Here it is, Mr. Bradford.

In case you haven't read it.

It's from all of us. Oh, I'm
overwhelmed.

I don't know what to say.

Well, you'll think of something sooner
or later.

Listen, couldn't we have cheated? Why
didn't we frame last Tuesday's column,

one I did about the role of the press in
a free society?

What's the matter with the old spring?

Oh, nothing, I guess. It's just that, I
mean, you know, I do something like this

along similar lines every spring.

It's a classic, Tom.

Like fine wine, it gets better with age.

I have something else for you, Tom.

I had intended to present this to you
upon your retirement, but what with the

pollution in the air and the poisons in
the foods, I probably won't be around by

then.

Anyway,

here it is.

Gee, that's something. Boy, isn't that
the machine that your father used to

It was just a bother keeping clean.

All right, everybody.

Time to quit loafing and get back to
work.

And that includes you, Mr. Big Shot.

Time to crank out number 3 ,001.

Just crank out number 3 ,001.

That's the way he tells me. How do you
think that makes me feel?

Like a machine.

Exactly. Especially after I just did my
3 ,000 column, which was an own -to

-spring, that thing that I churn out
every year, only I name it a different

flower each year.

Don't downgrade yourself, Tom. That's a
very good column you write. I know. I

think it's a good column, too. I really
do.

It's just that I want to do something
with a little more depth. You

I don't want to keep doing the spring
flowers every year.

Oh, Greg, I think I'm in a rut. I really
do.

Don't you understand?

I want to do something that's more
exciting.

Something that's different.

You mean like, uh, Jay Kenley?

Yes, exactly.

I got that big old through poli -sci
one, and now he's being appointed the

ambassador to Togo.

I mean, if he, if he can get out of a
rut, well, why can't I?

Tom, what about that project you got up
on the shelf?

Oh, no, no, that was...

Three kids ago.

It was, uh, notes on a novel, wasn't it?
Yeah, yeah, but it didn't get very far.

Um, Ed Hanley, the guy who, uh, had the
office down the hall from me, he had a

project just like yours. Left it on the
shelf for years.

And? One day at dinner, burst forward
right into a salad.

Listen, Tom, I got a patient who's a
writer.

Makes a lot of money.

He says the secret is a good agent.

He got six figures for the motion
picture rights to a dream.

Why don't you let me call him and see if
I can set something up with his agent?

All you have to do is talk to him.
That's all.

All right.

Guess it wouldn't do any harm.

Greg, do you think that I could write
enough?

Of course you can write a novel. Do you
have any idea of what people do with my

column when they're finished reading it?
They wrap fish in it. They start fires

with it. But a novel, now that's
different. That's permanent. It has

Nobody's going to wrap a flounder in
that.

It'll be a little tricky.

I'm dead serious, Debbie.

I know, Tom.

I mean, I've come to a point in life
where I've got to find out what my

are. I've got to take some chances. Go
for the roses.

I'm going to wake up some morning and
find myself a grandfather.

When that day rolls around...

I don't want to feel like I've settled
for second best, that I've given up on

dreams before even giving them a chance.

Do you understand what I'm trying to
say? Yes, I do. I mean, it's a gamble. I

could fail. It's going to take a lot of
belt tightening around here.

Well, I'm ready if you are. But you know
what Greg says? He says that I could

probably get a $2 ,000 advance on the
basis of a good outline, you know?

And then if they would just give me two
weeks' leave of absence plus my own two

weeks' vacation, I think we could swing
it. I'm sure we can. I think you ought

to do it.

You do?

Yeah.

What's the matter? You look almost
disappointed.

No, no, it's just that I thought I'd
have to convince you, and you sound like

you're already convinced.

You want a little flack?

Try the kids.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

They're always good for a little flack.

Eh, Nick, you'll never get him to do it.
Why not?

Well, number one, David likes to pick
his own women, and number two, Cheryl

her whole family, including Cousin Eric,
are too snooty for David. Well, you

think that anyone who doesn't go around
in tentacles all the time is snooty.

Yeah, well, we're not talking about me.
We're talking about David, and if

there's anything he hates, it's the
snob.

Hi, lady.

Speak of the devil. In tennis shoes.

Hey, what's the big powwow all about?

Oh, one of Dad's big proclamations.

Oh, boy.

Why, they're handsome.

Uh -oh.

What do you want?

David, do you remember about a month ago
when you asked me to go out with your

friend, Quentin?

Vaguely. And I went out with him, even
though he was from another planet.

Oh, come on, he wasn't that bad.

David, he was a turkey, and his legs
were too long for his pants.

But, because I love you so much, I'm
only asking you to go out with the most

beautiful girl in Sacramento, Cheryl
Davies.

Is that so?

What's in it for you?

Eric Baer.

We'll double date.

Well, how come you can't get your hooks
into this guy without my getting

involved?

because Erica's Cheryl's cousin, and she
won't set it up unless I get her a date

with you.

What if I refuse?

Well, um, you remember that little trip
you took to Tijuana?

Dad just might find out about it.

I knew you'd see it my way.

Would all of you please come into the
living room? I have something I want to

tell you.

Blackmailer. What's up? What are you
reading?

I have an announcement that I want to
make that concerns the whole family.

That's why I asked you all to gather in
here together at the same time and in

the same place.

This concerns something that's very
important to me and by extension the

you as well.

What is it, Dad?

What is it?

Well, I'm going to write a novel.

What are you writing about?

I am going to write about what I know
best, a large family.

You mean us?

Well, not exactly.

No, you see, a writer draws upon his own
life experience, and then he alters and

shadows that to fit the form of his
work. So in a sense, I will be writing

you, but then again, in a sense, I won't
be, because, well, you see,

I am not... going to make this a cheap
expose on the Bradford family.

I mean, I will not invade your privacy.

This is just going to be very open and
honest in the same true way that we've

always trusted each other in this
family.

So, are there any questions?

Good. Well, then...

There's one other little formality that
I would like to take care of. I would

appreciate it if you would sign these
releases that I have here.

Just in case we get an interested
publisher.

Are you serious?

Uh -huh. There you go.

Dad!

What's a release?

Oh, a release is a piece of paper with a
line on the bottom that you sign.

There you go.

There you are.

No.

Four outlines.

Untitled novel.

Chapter one.

Notes for outline.

Pieces of eight.

Chapter one.

David, my oldest son.

What can I say about David, my
firstborn?

Susan, there's something I want to talk
to you about.

Dad, how much money do you think is on
this table?

Oh, I have no idea.

Neither do I.

Well, what did you do, Robert Pike?

No, I am the lucky treasurer of the
volleyball team, so I get to collect the

charter bus money. Oh, yeah, that's
cute. Listen, there's a couple of

that I want to ask you about the canoe
trip that we took on the Uber, then I'll

disappear. Dad, I'm really running late,
so couldn't you just go out back and

ask Tommy to do it? I'm sure he would
love to answer all your questions.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

That's a good idea. Thanks.

Hi, Dan. Hi.

Hey, Susan, it's all set. It's going to
happen just like I said it would. Nancy

got David to call Cheryl. No, but he
said that he was going to. I still say

won't go through with it.

You want to make a bet? I certainly do.

Okay, how about two weeks dishwashing?
You got it. All right.

And you got some of this.

What is this? Count, please.

Okay.

Five, ten.

Oh, you mean the time that Joanie ironed
her hair and it caught on fire.

No, no, no, no. This was the Yuba River
trip, the time that Susan tipped over in

the canoe, Nicholas insisted that he saw
an elephant, and was that the trip that

Mary's boyfriend came along and got very
sick?

Yeah, I think it was, only it was a
bear, not an elephant.

Well, I prefer elephant.

Poetic license.

Oh, you mean poets have a license to
lie.

Oh, no, not lie.

Interpret.

Well, Dad, you're not going to be, uh...

interpreting any family things, are you?

No, no. Not exactly.

Oh, please, Daddy. I don't want to look
too anxious. You get it. No, it's Bert

Sklar for me, and I'd rather you got it.
Oh, no, no, no. I think it's Eric for

me. Bert Sklar. Eric.

Sklar.

Better.

I had to go out for it without my house
key.

Has the agent arrived yet? No, no, not
yet.

What agent?

Bert Sklar. He's coming to the house for
dinner tonight. He's the biggest

literary agent in Sacramento.

Oh.

Oh, that must be Bert Sklar. Now, you
get him. It's your turn. It's Eric

Hi. Hi, Pops. Hey, your date's car broke
down. We have to use my van.

David, you need a tie.

Oh, I've got one in my pocket. Come on,
let's go. Bye, Dad. Bye, Dad.

Oh, excuse me.

Tom, Tom.

Hello.

Bertram Sklar.

Yes. Well, would you like to have a
drink before dinner?

Sounds good to me.

Nancy looked like she was on her way to
the French Riviera. Yeah, Dave looked

like he was going to the dentist.

Oh, that's a cute description. I should
make a note of that for the book, right?

Dad, you know, I'm not so sure I want
everything I say written down.

Don't be silly, Tommy. You should be
proud your father might use your words.

That was a cute description.

And this is a cute family.

Tom, I tell you, it's going to be a
bestseller. And the next step is a

A movie?

I'm sure it's a bit more complicated
than you make it seem, Bert.

Don't kid yourself, Abby.

I've already spoken to somebody in the
studio, and I got good feedback.

Gee, I don't know. I haven't even
written the book yet.

I don't have a problem with that.

You don't, but I sure do.

You're a good writer, Tom. I wouldn't be
here if I didn't believe that.

I read that ode to spring column of
yours the other day.

I found it fresh and inventive.

I like last year's flower better.

You know...

This is what the young Hemingway drank
when he wrote those masterful short

stories.

What do you think made those stories so
powerful, Tom?

Brandy?

Wrong, Tom.

I'll tell you in three words, Tom.

Powerful.

Human.

Emotions.

For example, Tom, take your daughters.

Now, they all must have, well, the older
ones certainly must have had

experiences.

I want all that in the book, Tom. Every
secret morsel of it.

That's what people buy books to read
about.

Oh, yes, sure. I mean, I'm sure that my
daughter's experiences are a very

important part of their growing up, but
Bert, having eight children is quite an

experience, too.

Anyone can have eight children, Tom.

Oh.

Yeah. Sure.

Yes.

What we need to see are eight unique
stories.

When people read your novel, we want to
see them laugh, and we want to see them

cry.

Believe me, Tom, every time we retch a
gut, that old cash register

goes crazy.

I gotta get to class.

Do you think you can handle the dishes?

Oh, well, if I can't handle them, I'm
sure Elizabeth would love to.

Okay. Mrs. Bradford?

Bye, Mr. Sklar.

So are high -level confabs over? Yeah,
for the time being.

You know, I really like that bird. I
mean, he's more like a collaborator.

very literate and articulate, and he
believes in me and my project.

So do I.

Hey, guys, listen. Tell me what you
think, okay?

Now, I've narrowed it down between Liza
and Bette.

Who? Manelli or Midler for the part of
Joanie, obviously.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, Joanie, you're not a Liza and you're
not a Bette. You're more of an Ollie.

McGraw. No, Muhammad.

Oh,

thanks a lot.

Bye.

Bye.

Wrong, wrong, wrong. You got everything
wrong. Wrong? It was your fault.

What do you mean, my fault? I mean that
the whole thing was your fault.

Who's fault what was?

She got us kicked out of the restaurant.

One at a time.

It was a social disaster.

David was so crude, I couldn't
believe... Just try talking to those

she hangs around with. I mean, what a
bunch of snobs, my sister included.

I have never been so humiliated in all
my life. My own brother doing this to

How do you think I feel?

What are you doing?

You can't write about this.

Nothing. You don't understand. It's all
right. I understand one thing. I just

saw you die for your notepad.

David, we agreed.

Well, I'm unagreeing. From now on,
everything I do or say is off the

want my release back.

Well, I don't want to be made into a
laughingstock. I want my release back,

Please, what about my book?

My literary agent is expecting a novel
about eight children.

Well, you'll have to adopt two
substitutes. We're out.

I don't suppose there's anything I could
say or do that would change your mind.

No, I don't suppose so.

Nope. I didn't think so.

All right.

No problem.

I'll give you your releases.

Here they are.

Right here.

But before you take the releases, don't
you think you owe me the courtesy of at

least the final word?

Is there any way we can stop you?

No.

First of all, let me tell you that I'm
very hurt.

To think that you would believe that I
would do anything to harm either one of

you. No, it's not just that, Dad.

It's just that I don't want you to write
about this like it was all my fault.

You always listen to David because he's
older.

Oh, come on. You know you have him
wrapped around your little finger.

Wait a minute now. Aren't we all
forgetting that I'm the journalist of

family? Journalists are trained to be
objective.

So why don't you just calm down, tell me
your sides of the story, and then we

can all arrive at the truth together.

All right, who would like to lead off?

Ladies first.

Fine. Well, to begin with, David was a
super drag right from the very

I was a drag? You were the one who kept
whining about... David, hold it, huh? If

we're going to do this, we'll do it
properly.

We'll start with the ground rules.

First of all, don't interrupt Nancy
because she'll have plenty of time to

when she's finished.

And Nancy, as far as you're concerned,
don't editorialize. Just stick to the

facts.

You asked for it.

Well, Dad, I've been looking forward to
riding in Eric Ford's car.

But as luck would have it, it wasn't
running. So we had to arrive at Los

Caballos in David's crummy old van.

You should have seen the look on David's
face when the attendant asked for a

lousy dollar to park the van.

It took forever for David to find a
space.

Two and a half blocks away, I might add.

After a long walk, we finally got back
to the restaurant.

Of course, David got off on the wrong
foot right away with Cheryl by leering

her openly and pawing at her like an
animal.

Only Eric's good reading saved us from
total humiliation.

Thank goodness we got a table right away
before David's bad manners could make a

fool of him.

Everything all right?

Yeah, good.

Ready to order?

May I suggest an alternative to the
paella?

Everyone orders that.

Shall I order for the table, David?

I'll have the paella, thank you.

Paella?

For the ladies and myself, the Punta
Gallego.

Punta Gallego.

Accompanied by a light red Rioja.

Muy bien.

Por favor.

Well, you two have a lot in common.

You're both in the construction
business, I mean.

David builds buildings, and Eric owns
them.

Oh, no, I don't exactly own them, Nancy.

Cheryl's father, my uncle... That's
fine.

My uncle does. I just work for him.

Perhaps you know him.

His name is Stedman. Oh, yes, I know.

We went on strike against him last
winter.

I guess that puts you and me on opposite
sides of the fence, doesn't it?

We don't have to be.

In management and labor can shake hands
across that fence.

Management built that fence, Eric. I
don't think they had shaking hands in

I don't know what you mean.

I mean the strike breakers you hired to
break the strike.

I don't think you have your facts
straight.

Are you calling me a liar?

No. I've had enough!

Sorry.

Nice bouquet.

Luckily, they kicked us all out before
David could cause any more damage.

Dad, I was so embarrassed, I could have
just died.

If Nancy's fairy tale is over... Just
stick to the facts, please. Leave the

to me.

Fine.

We had to take my van because Eric's $10
,000 sports car was in the shop again.

First thing I find out is it's going to
cost me a buck and a half to have some

Toreador in red pants park my van when
there's a space half a block away.

I couldn't believe Nancy kicked up such
a fuss about having to walk a half a

block. As for Cheryl, if she's really as
attractive as Nancy says, she managed

to disguise it pretty well under a ton
of makeup.

Why do you mean it's not your table?
Look, I have four others.

The rest do all the sets.

Oh, yeah, I'd like the paella, please.
Thank you.

May I suggest an alternative to paella?

Everyone orders that.

Oh, sure.

Oh, yeah, great.

For the ladies and myself, Bota Gallego.

Accompanied by... Hold it.

Quiet.

Accompanied by a light red Riojo.

A Rioja.

Rioja.

Well, you both have a lot in common, you
know that?

You're both in the construction
business. How about that?

David builds buildings.

But Eric owns them.

I don't exactly own them.

Cheryl's father, my uncle, does.

I work for him.

Perhaps you've heard of him.

The name is Stedman.

Oh, yeah, I know him. We went on strike
against him last winter.

I guess that puts you and me on opposite
sides of the fence, doesn't it?

We don't have to be.

Management and labor can shake hands
across that fence.

management build that fence i don't
think they had shaking hands in mind

now what's that supposed to mean i mean
the strike breakers you had to break the

strike you do not have your facts
straight are

you calling me a liar

You believe that garbage, you'll believe
anything.

Believe it. That's the way it happened.

Oh, well, that's very interesting.

Don't you both feel better now that
you've gotten that off your chest?

Look, here's what I'm going to do.

I'm going to take both versions, blend
them together, and then just see what

comes out.

And what if we don't like it? Oh, if you
don't like it, it doesn't go in the

book. I mean, isn't that fair?

No, no, no.

Yeah.

In the meantime, I'm going to take these
releases and put them away with it.

Don't you worry about it. I promise.

You'll see.

It's Johnny. I was wondering if I could
talk to you.

Is it important?

Kind of.

All right. Make it quick, though, will
you? I've had so many interrupters.

Ethan, Dad.

I've been thinking, and I've had a
couple ideas for casting of the rest of

members of the family.

Now, tell me what you think.

Sybil Shepard for Nancy.

Huh?

And Jane Fonda for Mary.

Well, what about Warren Beatty for
David, huh?

Robert Young for Dr. Max?

Look, Joanie, there won't be any casting
or any movie if I don't get some peace

and quiet so I can finish this book.
Now, please, save your suggestions for

future time.

Oh, boy, I was just trying to help.

Joanie.

What?

Who did you have in mind for my part?

I thought Rex Harrison, maybe.

Osmond. Yeah.

Yes?

Dad, can I talk to you?

I'm busy now, Tommy. It was just out of
the way till morning.

Good night.

Okay, good night, Dad.

The only problem with working at home is
when you get finished, you can't go

home.

How was your day at class?

It was okay.

I've just finished reading your chapter
notes on Joan.

And?

I wish I'd met her.

In a way, I guess I feel like I have.

You did a beautiful job, Tom.

Especially your description of how she
looked that morning on the Yuba River.

She was the first one up.

And from our tent, I could see her
cooking the breakfast on the fire

without her knowing.

Sun was coming up on the river behind
her.

It's quite a picture.

Abby, does that make you jealous?

Yeah, I guess a little bit, yeah.

You have no reason to be.

Thank you.

tendencies toward being an introvert.

Notes on Chapter 5.

Tommy.

I think the most dramatic material here
is clearly Tommy's early adolescent

bedwetting period.

It's got strong emotions, conflict, and
compelling human interest.

Just what Bert Sklar wants.

want us to be today?

Burmese? Myra Fawcett Majors.

Right.

Do you think we should let her play me?

You know, there's one actress that
you've never mentioned that would be

than anybody else you've suggested.

Maybe you never heard of her. Did you
ever hear of Joni Bradford?

Oh, I thought you would never ask.

Thank you. I hate to break up this
casting meeting, but I've got to go

book. Yeah, when's it going to be
finished? At this rate, never.

You know, I can't believe that we have
got to come out to the backyard to get

privacy. Yeah, the walls have ears in
there. Yeah, they do.

When's he going to get done anyway?

I don't know, but just think, he's in
there somewhere writing about the most

embarrassing situation.

You know, even Nicholas is going to get
it. Well, why can't he find something

else to write about?

What am I going to get?

Um, Nicholas, remember that story about
you and the elephant?

Dad's going to write about it.

Oh, no, not that story. He always tells
that story. And besides, I was just

kidding, and it wasn't an elephant. And
I was only five.

He thinks it's cute, Nicholas.

I don't think it's cute. I think it's
dumb.

Well, Nicholas, why don't you write a
book, and then you can tell your side of

the story, huh?

Yeah, I can tell about the time when Dad
woke up with the ice pack on his head.

about the mess.

My secretary's on vacation.

Oh, no, that's all right. I'm sorry to
drop in on you like this. I've been

trying to get you on the telephone for
the last few days, but... Well, you know

how it is when your secretary leaves the
office. Phone never stops ringing. I

had to take it off the hook.

Listen, Tom, I just got off the horn
with a big producer down in L .A., and

very anxious to get some pages.

Very anxious.

Tom, we're sitting on a gold mine here.
A real gold mine.

Oh, boy, that's wonderful.

That's what I wanted to talk to you
about, Bert, the gold mine.

I could sure use some of that advance.

Oh, check's probably caught in the
computer. You know how it is.

Everything's computerized these days.

When do you think I could expect it? I
always was under the impression that

that's what advance meant, in advance of
the writing.

Tom, Tom, you're an artist.

Just let me worry about the messy
details.

That's my job.

Now you get right back to that
typewriter and create. Now I'm going to

the blower right away and take care of
that advance.

Now you just keep those typewriter keys
humming, humming, humming.

Yes. Dad, can we talk to you? It's kind
of important.

Come in.

What is this, a demonstration?

Dad,

we've all been giving some thought to
the matter of the book.

And we figured that since you were
having some trouble anyway, we'd try to

you some time.

So we each prepared our own little set
of guidelines.

You know, what you can and cannot write
about in each of the chapters.

Right. We thought we'd give you our
guidelines now, and that way you won't

to waste any time writing about the
wrong thing.

Right. So here's mine.

And here's mine, Dad.

I hope you don't mind, but I wrote up
some guidelines on my character in the

movie, as well as my chapters in the
book.

Thank you.

I wrote up the Yuba River trip, Dad, so
you could get it right, and it wasn't me

who tipped over the canoe, and it was
Tommy, not Nicholas, who saw the bear.

It wasn't a bear, it was a beaver.

Uh, this is all I could come up with on
such short notice.

And here's mine.

Nicholas, wait a minute. What is this?
It's just a lot of numbers.

Yeah, those are my approved years. You
can write about one, two, three, four,

six, seven, and eight. I didn't like
being five, so just leave that year out

your book.

Thanks, Dad.

Oh, boy.

I thought that one editor was bad. Now
I've got eight.

Hi, Tom. What are you talking about?
Them. They march into my study and they

present me with guidelines as to what I
can and what I can't write about. I'd be

better off in Russia. At least in
Russia, if they don't like what you

they throw you in jail and that's the
end of it. This, this is slow torture.

Look what Nicholas presents me with.

A list of his approved years. In other
words, I can't write about anything that

happened to Nicholas when he was five
years old. He didn't like that year.

Well, nobody said it was going to be
easy.

Oh, but come on. I mean, they're so
sensitive. They act like I'm going to

their reputations. Well, you did promise
to be open and honest about this book,

remember? They haven't even read it yet.
I mean, and they're telling me what to

write about?

Tom, they have a right to a certain
amount of privacy.

They signed releases.

So what are you going to do, take your
children to court?

That's it.

Look, Abby, do you think that maybe I
shouldn't write the book?

I can't answer that, Tom. I just think
that you need to take everyone's

into consideration.

I want to write this book.

Well, then write it.

But just don't lose sight of the trees
because of the forest.

actually writing about that.

It may be great for your book, but it's
my life.

All I can say is, you must really want
to be famous to do this to me.

Oh, Dad, here, I forgot a few
corrections, but I was going to make...

there's no time for that right now. Is
Tommy home from school yet?

Um, yeah, well, he thought back chopping
wood for the fireplace.

Um, but Dad, I...

You had no right to listen to those
tapes last night.

First of all, you invaded my privacy.

Secondly, they were in preliminary form.
It's going to be different in the book.

Look, I know that you're angry, Tommy,
but can't you at least give me a chance?

I mean, wait till the book is finished.
I promise you'll come out in a good

light. Look at Nancy and David. I mean,
they were angry. There are two sides to

that story.

How many are there to mine?

Well, you've got to hand it to him. He
made his feelings known.

Yeah, he sure did.

Look, Dad, if you can write your novel
without hurting the family's feelings,

fine. But if not... Well, how can I?
Everybody insists on taking this all

personally. Well, it is personal.

How can I write a book and make all the
incidents that my characters do perfect?

Nobody will read the book.

So nobody would read the book. So what?
So what?

Well, so I'd be a failure, that's what.
I mean, a man has to achieve something

in this life.

He has to be remembered for something.

Dad, you raised eight children who
appear to be decent human beings. I

that's pretty memorable.

No, no, no. I'm not talking about that.
I'm talking about the book. Why don't

you talk to Tommy? Explain to him. I
mean, he's so upset he won't even talk

me. I think I'm on his side.

Face it, Dad.

As a novelist, you're a terrific father.

You're a big help.

Oh, listen.

Excuse me.

Listen, what would you do?

My children don't want me to write a
book about them. You mean you really

my advice?

Yeah. What would you do?

Well, I tell you, if I was you, I'd go
home and figure out the relative

importance of my commitment to maintain
my own artistic integrity as against my

commitment to the nuclear family's self
-concept as an interlocking network of

mutually supportive interdependencies.

Once I settle that.

My course is clear.

Aren't you?

Don't mention it.

Well, I was so worried about you. Are
you all right? No, no, I'm all right. I

just want to talk to everybody.

Hi,

I'm okay. I just wanted to say something
to you, to all of you.

I guess I must have walked five miles in
the last couple of hours trying to sort

things out in my mind.

You all know how important writing this
book is to me.

What you don't know is...

how important you all are to me.

I guess I didn't know that either until
I saw the pain in my son's face.

And I realized that I was the cause of
that pain because I wanted to do

something that was going to hurt him.

I wanted to write the book.

Why?

because I guess I was afraid of getting
old and not having something concrete to

show for it.

All the time I was forgetting that I
have something much more valuable than

men.

I have eight...

Make

that nine books.

Far more precious than anything I could
write about.

So, uh... I'm still going to write that
book.

But there will be a limited edition.

Twelve, to be exact.

One for each one of us, one for the
Maxwells, and one for the Library of

Congress.

That's great.

Here are your releases.

We won't be needing these anymore.

Incidentally, I've decided to go back to
being a father in my spare time.

The hours aren't so hot, but fringe
benefits are terrific.

Thank you.

I've decided to call it Eight is Enough.

Thank you. Look at that. Thank you. Here
you go.

Boy,

hard back. Eight is enough.

Wait a minute, Dad.

Dad, this is just the stuff that we gave
you, just the guidelines.

Yeah.

What are you smiling about?

I'm waiting for the reviews.

What do you mean?

Here they come.

Dad! Dad, you left out a page.

Oh, good grief, Dad. You still didn't
get the Yuba River trip, right? It was

Tommy, not Nicholas, who saw that
beaver.

Wait a second. Wait a minute. Why is
Joanie's chapter before mine?

I only got one page with numbers on it.

So sue me.