All language subtitles for Eight Is Enough s02e15 A Hair of the Dog

What's this stuff? It's hollandaise
sauce mix.

Hollandaise sauce. You put it on things
like eggs and meat, things like that.

Like ketchup?

Well, sort of, except it's just a little
classier, that's all. I'm making eggs

benedict for your father on his birthday
Sunday. Who's benedict?

Well, Nicholas, it's like this. There
was a certain Commodore Benedict who

to drink a little too much. So the chef
at the old Waldorf Hotel in New York

devised this sort of special breakfast
for him that would make him just feel a

little better, you know, the morning
after.

Oh, is Dad going to drink too much
Saturday night?

No, no, of course not.

Well, then why are you making it for
him? Well, because he happens to like

Oh, well, for my birthday, I want eggs,
Nicholas.

Eggs, Nicholas. Now, what's that?

Scrambled eggs with lots of peanut
butter and lots of ketchup on them.

Ready?

Bradford leaps and picks up a castle.
Contenders for Bradford from Bradford.

Piling on 15 yards.

Face it, Bradford, you got cream.

I'm slowing down in my old age.

Hey, is the old man home yet? Oh, he'll
be a little late. What's up?

Well, I wanted to give him his birthday
present.

What for?

His birthday's not till Sunday.

I know, Nicholas, but I'm going away
this weekend.

Oh, where are you going?

Away. Away where?

Away, away.

Oh, oh, away, away.

Um, you staying for dinner?

Oh, I suppose I could be talking to him.

David! What? Can I ask you a question?

Shoot. Do you ever hear of this guy
named Benedict who liked eggs, and when

drank too much, they put this stuff on
it to make him feel better?

You feeling all right?

Where is he going? He wouldn't say.

I mean, not even a hint?

Undoubtedly a lost weekend with the
girl.

Yep, undoubtedly.

Undoubtedly. And he's not talking
either.

I know.

He's so discreet, it's disgusting.

Well, if you were the girl, wouldn't you
prefer him to be discreet?

Yeah, I suppose so, but he's our
brother.

And he's going on this romantic weekend.

And where's he going?

None of your business.

Hey, David, you really packed it away.

I suppose you're not planning on eating
very much this weekend?

Whatever gave you that idea?

Pass the sugar, please. You taking the
van?

Of course. Why?

Well, it's got lots of room, and you can
fit lots of people in it.

Or only one person.

Correct. Are you packing warm clothes,
David?

All right.

Yes, I am going away this weekend, and I
am taking the van.

And I do plan to eat, and I plan to take
warm clothes with me. Any more

questions? Oh, no, no, no. It's so easy
on David. He's 23 years old. He doesn't

have to account to you.

I sure wish I was a big guy.

Big guys don't have to talk.

My apartment?

Yeah, I mean, we'll take good care of
it. Oh, definitely. And as a token of

appreciation, we'll even clean it up for
you. Yeah, top to bottom. Yeah, and

we'll even vacuum under the rug.

I appreciate the offer, but I like my
apartment messy.

That way I can find everything.

I was planning on having this pajama
party, see, and I figured it'd be real

not to bug Dad and Abby.

Oh, yeah.

I just don't think it would be a good
idea, Elizabeth.

Why not?

What would my neighbors think?

Your neighbors?

Oh, listen, I don't know if you're aware
of this, but 16 will get you 20 in this

state.

Okay, David, I'll get right to the
point. A date with any girl in the

class at college.

That's very nice of you, Nancy, but I
don't think so. Oh, David, how about

Malone? Cute little redhead, about 5
feet 5, 115 pounds, very nicely

proportioned, if you know what I mean.

Nancy. Oh, David, well, how about good
personality, intellectual, kind of

boring, but, you know, I'll see what I
can do, huh?

No, that's very nice of you. Some other
time I have to talk to Dad.

Oh, David.

Come in.

Oh, hi, David.

Just trying to balance my checkbook.

Oh, that sounds like fun.

Dad,

happy birthday.

Oh, thank you very much. It's not until
Sunday, though. Oh, I know. That's why I

came over tonight.

I have a birthday present for you. It's
in the trunk of your car.

Oh? What's it doing out there?

Well, it didn't really pay to bring it
in. It's kind of hard to wrap.

But remember the jack you lent me at
Christmas?

I finally got myself a new one, and I'm
returning yours.

That's your birthday present, Dad.

Oh, thank you. That was very thoughtful.

Well, it's the thought that counts.

Listen, let me ask you something.

What are you really doing this weekend?

You really want to know?

Sure.

You promise you won't tell anyone?

Scouts honor.

To road test my new jack.

Boy, if only I had some wheels.

You got wheels.

Two of them.

Oh, check out that action.

Yeah, look at that. Four on the floor,
mag wheels, 8 -track Spherio.

You know, there's not a lot you can do
on a 10 -speed.

Yeah, you can do zilch on a 10 -speed.

Man, if we had us some wheels, we could
bum a couple of six -packs and really

have a party. Oh, yes.

Hey, Bradford, you ever get ripped?

Yeah, sure, lots of times.

Yeah? How much can you hold?

Oh, I can hold my own.

Hey, uh, we're not talking about milk,
Tom.

That's right.

Somehow a little guy like you doesn't
impress me as much as a drinking man.

Oh, Hera, I can keep up with you any day
of the week.

That so?

Well, why don't we have ourselves a
little party?

Find out.

Sure, it's fun with me.

You got a big brother with a place,
don't you?

You see, that's right.

He'd lay his pad on you for the night. I
mean, what are big brothers for?

Think he'd come through for us Saturday
night?

Yeah, sure, why not?

Dynamite! You take care of the place,
I'll take care of the beer.

And we'll find out just who can own how
much.

Right, Tommy boy?

Don't worry.

I'll tell him, yeah.

Okay. Bye -bye.

Mr.

Bradford, have I ever told you what I
like least about my job?

No, but I have a feeling that you're
about to.

Yeah. You see, I don't mind running to
the bank for you, and I don't mind

confirming your dentist appointments,
and I don't even mind going to court for

you to pay your parking tickets, but...

Why is it that every other Thursday I
spend half the day arranging your poker

game? Oh, that's because you like me.

Oh, right.

Yeah. Is the game all set for tomorrow
night? No, it's been switched to

night. Jim Miller, Phil Hogan, and Dr.
Maxwell can't make it Friday night.

Saturday night? I'm supposed to take
Abby to a movie and dinner.

Well, you're not going to let a little
thing like an evening with your wife get

in the way of your bimonthly poker game,
are you?

No, no, she'll understand.

Of course she'll understand.

Why wouldn't she understand?

You want to say one thing?

If I ever get arrested for running a
bookie service out of this office,

bail me out of jail?

Any time, day or night.

Uh -huh, you're a peach.

Oh, and listen, do you know what else
I'm going to do? What's that?

Saturday night, at least once, I'm going
to pull to an inside straight.

Just for you.

Oh, you're a peach melba.

ask for our allowances this week. You
know, it's a one -shot deal. Hey, that's

so materialistic. Well, he needs some
clothes.

He certainly does.

Oh, come on. He's got a closet full of
birthday presents he never wears. Abby,

the problem is that we've never quite
been able to match his taste in wearing

apparel. He sort of goes for that 1952
early Eisenhower look.

Wait a second.

Wait a second. Where does it say in the
books that we have to buy him something?

It's his birthday.

I know it's his birthday, but why can't
we give him something?

Like a day.

Father's Day's in June.

Abby, I know that, but why wait?

I mean, I bet Dad would love a day. I
mean, one whole day when nobody bothered

him, nobody badgered him, nobody made
noise.

What are you suggesting?

I'm suggesting that on Sunday we give
him a present of a whole day when he can

forget that he's got a wife and eight
kids. I mean, we all know that Dad loves

us, right?

But we also know we're a little hard to
take sometimes.

All the time.

So we should all split for a day? No,
Elizabeth, we shouldn't split.

We should just be seen and not heard,
you know?

Wait on him hand and foot, treat him
like a king in his castle.

That's not a bad idea, you know? One
perfect day of self -indulgent bliss.

We could start with breakfast in bed.

Yeah, and we won't mess up the Sunday
paper, huh? I won't let him watch the

football game in peace.

And we can wash his car for him.

Right. I mean, it's nirvana.

What more could a man ask for?

Listen, I wouldn't even ask if it wasn't
important, but I'm not the only one

involved. I mean, if it was only me, I'd
say, forget it!

But I can't be selfish.

I mean, I go back a long way with this,
people.

This game started at Hank Fortinetta's
apartment ten years ago. We've been

playing every other Friday since then.
Come rain or come shine. It's fine with

me, Tom. Here's what I thought we could
do. Now, listen to me closely, I'll tell

you. Okay?

Instead of having dinner and then going
to the movies on Saturday night, we

could do it on Friday night when there's
no line in front of the movie and all

that. Sure. Then we can come out of the
movie, we have it waited on a line.

What?

It's okay with me, Tom. We can go to the
movie Friday night instead of Saturday

night. There's no problem.

There's no problem.

Oh, that's great. I knew that you would
understand. Thanks, Abby. I appreciate

it very much.

That's terrific.

Oh, listen. Guess what I'm going to do
for you. At least once during the night,

I'm going to pull to an inside straight
just for you.

You know why?

Why? Because you're a peach melba.

David, I tell you, he's always
underfoot. I can't get any privacy

all. The way I see it, you've got a
simple choice.

Tough it out for five or six years or
move into the garage.

David, I'm serious.

Look, can't you remember what a brat I
was at Nicholas's age?

Hey, look, I've already had several
offers for this apartment, which have

very difficult to refuse, including Foxy
Malone, 5 '5", redhead. David, I'm your

brother. Well, Foxy was offered by one
of my sisters.

Look. David, brothers are different.

All right, look.

I'm going to level with you.

It's... Geometry.

Geometry?

Yeah.

I'm in trouble, David. I mean, really
big trouble. If I don't pass that

next week, I'm heading for that big F in
the sky.

Look, I've already turned down Joni and
Susan and Nancy and Elizabeth. What

would I tell them? They don't have to
know.

I won't say a word. And I promise to use
the place only during the daytime.

I don't know.

Lending out my apartment is a pretty bad
precedent to set.

Oh, come on, David. Just this once. I'm
really in a jam.

Think you'll have time for a load of
laundry?

Sure. All right. There's two weeks
accumulation at the bottom of the closet

the key is under the mat in the front.

Oh, oh, David, I really appreciate this.

David, boy, I really appreciate this.
You know, I'll never forget this. I'm

really... Just don't eat me out of house
and home.

Oh, it's a thing.

Oh, David, thank... Oh, man, you're
great. Anytime you need something.

David, just let me know. If you need
anything, your van washed, your shoe

anything, clean up your apartment, just
let me know, and I'll never forget this.

Okay? Okay, okay.

All right. Oh, David, thank you.

See you later.

I won't forget this.

Anyway, Nicholas, we thought we'd give
him a day of quiet.

Huh?

Come on, Nicholas. Your father will love
it.

What kind of present is a day of quiet?
It's a very nice present.

Look at it this way, Nicholas.

You won't have to raid your piggy bank.

It won't fit you back a penny.

So, Tommy, what do you think?

What?

About your father's birthday present.
What do you think?

Yeah, fine.

Okay, then, what we're going to do is...
Abby, do you know where my poker shirt

is?

I didn't know about the poker shirt. I
knew about the famous duck hunting

but I didn't know there was a famous
poker shirt, too.

Well, there is one. I only use it when
I'm in a bad streak. I'm in a real bad

one right now. If I don't take it to the
poker game tonight, I'm going to wind

up going to the cleaners. Yeah, you
know, that's not such a bad idea, Dad.

That shirt ought to be clean and burned.

Uh, could you describe it? Yes, it's
blue and yellow. With upside -down palm

trees? That's it. Oh, it's in the wash.

Thank goodness.

What time does the Brothers of Hope
thrift shop open?

About nine.

It's twenty after. Come on. Abby, you
didn't. I did.

Okay, it's cool, Jimbo. I've got my
brother's place for tonight.

Yeah. Well, how are we going to bum the
beer?

Are you sure?

Okay.

See you later.

All right.

So long. Bye.

This is nice.

I have to have it. I have to go with it.
Oh, excuse

me.

I'll be right with you as soon as I
finish with her. I'm really sorry, but

urgent. Take a number. Ma 'am, can I
talk to you about this blue shirt?

This Hawaiian print? Yes, ma 'am. Isn't
it smart?

And only a dollar and a half. Such a
bargain.

I'll give you $2 .50. Lady, you're
interfering with a sale. Oh, I'm really

sorry, but see, this is my husband's
favorite golf shirt.

And you can't sink a putt without it.
Well, it's so snazzy. I know Walter's

going to adore it. Yes, ma 'am, I'll
give you $3 for it. She has to buy it

first. Then you can buy it from her
outside the store. Well, I'll give you

.50.

$2 .50?

Okay, $2 .50, $2 .50, and you $3?

Well, it would go so beautifully with
Walter's striped trousers.

$4.

Well, I don't know.

$5, and that's my final offer, okay?
Going once, going twice, sold to the

in purple for $7.

$5 .60.

Tom, that's terrible.

I know, I know. $1 .75 two weeks ago, $3
.85 last month. I'm taking a real bath.

Well, with your lucky poker shirt, the
tide is bound to turn. Yeah, well, I

can't lose tonight.

Don't wait up for me. The big winners
have to stay till the very end. Listen,

don't keep any kickers and don't pull
any inside straights. Only once, my

Only once.

Look, you can practice being quiet for
tomorrow by starting tonight.

Boy, that's real dumb.

Who needs to practice being quiet?

You do.

Oh, look, Casablanca's on tonight.

Oh, terrific, Jenny. You've only seen it
28 times.

Oh, I know. It's so great.

I mean, that ending is so beautiful,
don't you think? I mean, you never

know who she loves best, do you? I mean,
there they are at the airport, and

Ingrid Bergman's looking from one to the
other.

And then the fog's rolling in and the
music's welling up and the plane engines

are going, you know. Who

am I?

Mae West.

Mary Poppins.

Wait a second, wait a second. I know who
you are. You're Nancy Bradford. Cute.

I'll give you a hint, you guys.

I'm Carmen the Gypsy. That's who.

Oh, that's right. That's quite the
offering.

So obvious. You're Carmen. You're right.
But where'd you get that costume?

I got it at the thrift store. Isn't it
cute?

Yeah. I'm going to a costume party
tonight.

Don't pick up any Spanish bullfighters,
Carmen.

Oh, Mary.

Adios.

I'll do.

Tommy, you going to a fight?

Uh, what?

Uh, you just seem to be in a terrible
hurry.

Oh, yeah, I'm just going over to Kenny's
to watch a basketball game.

Oh, well, what time will you be home?

Uh, 12.

Bye.

Um, Tom, Tom.

What? Um, yeah, I just want to remind
you that tomorrow's Dad's birthday.

Yeah, so?

So, yeah.

All right. Okay.

All right, men, get ready, because
tonight I'm red hot and raring to go.

Every once in a while, everyone gets
hot, Tom. Even you.

Yeah, sure, but tonight is different
because tonight I have my lucky poker

on. Is that what that is?

Do you need a license to wear that?

Anybody bring a pair of sunglasses?

I gotta look at that rag all night long.

Very funny. We'll see who's laughing at
the end of the night. Because tonight,

not only do I have on my lucky poker
shirt, but tomorrow is my birthday.

Between this shirt and my birthday, you
guys don't have a chance.

Tom.

What? Shut up and deal.

All right. All right.

Okay, man, everybody answer your dime.

This is going to be seven -card stud,
high -low. Straights and flushes go both

ways. Two burns at the end for a dime
apiece and a quarter for a window.

Are you excited?

Oh, yeah. You have no chance.

Hey, you guys.

Okay, here he is. You guys split.

Are you sure this thing's going to work?
Never fail.

Just be sure to run that shower real
loud.

Go.

for David Bradford?

Oh, yeah, right.

I got a couple of six packs of beer here
and some cigars for your father.

Yeah, well, he's in the shower.

He asked me to pay him.

You know, I'm not supposed to sell beer
to anyone under 21.

Oh, well, that's okay with me.

But he does take a pretty long shower.

Well, I guess it's all right. Great.

Here you go, and keep the change.

Oh, thank you.

Sir.

Good night.

Night.

All right, you turkeys, get out of the
shower and get your tails in here.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Let's get down to some drinking.

All right.

Hey, I better get him to bed. He can't
die after the first kiss.

Hey, hey, who's this?

I would like to say a word about
Decorum.

This is the way it's gonna be we're
gonna have some words here about you

I'll take one.

Your bet.

Your dime, and I raise you a quarter.

Gee, I hate to do this to you on your
birthday, Tom, but I'll just see your

quarter and bump you a quarter.

Too rich for me.

Max, you'd better up your malpractice
insurance.

Because not only do I see your quarter,

But I raise you another quarter.

I think maybe I'd just better see what
you got.

Call.

Read them and weep.

I have a straight to the ace. I'm sorry.

All blue, five diamonds.

You see, at this table, flush beats
straight.

That's a nice shirt you got there.

Are you sure you heard him right on the
phone?

Yes, I'm sure I heard him right on the
phone. He was definitely talking about

beer.

Susan, maybe you'll only have one or
two.

You'll be okay.

Oh, well, then why isn't he home yet,
Joanie? I mean, any minute now, Abby's

going to check his room, find he's not
there, and he broke curfew, and then

what? You want to tell her?

No, I do not want to tell her. You know
we don't squeal on each other.

I know.

So?

Wait.

They could have a car.

Oh, a car. Great.

Okay, listen.

Listen, we'll go downstairs and we'll
call David's apartment and just tell him

to come home right away.

All right?

I mean, who knows? Maybe Abby's asleep
and... Well, it's worth a try. Come on.

David Bradford here, and I'm available.

Tommy?

Who's this?

Hey, sweetheart, what do you say we fall
for a little decor?

He's drunk.

Um, Tommy, listen, this is Susan.

Susie! Susie Cuckums! Hey, guys, it's
Susie Q!

What do you say?

Hey, ask her if she wants to fall by for
a party. Big, big party.

Tommy, this is your sister, Susan
Cuckums, baby.

Hey, hey, uh, listen, sweetie, uh, we're
having a party. What do you say?

Tommy, Tommy, this is Joanie. Now you
get home right now or you're in trouble.

Joanie!

Joanie, hey!

What do you say?

Hey, hey, listen, sweetie.

We're having a party. Oh, boy.

Drunk, drunk, drunk.

Boy, he is really bad off.

I'm worried.

Me too.

want us to go with you? Yeah, I'm sure.

Well, what about calling Dad?

Oh, come on, it's his birthday and he's
having a good time. Let's just let him

have a little peace for a change.

Uh, Abby, do you think you can handle
it?

Why not?

Well, I mean, I just meant that you're
new at this, that's all.

Yeah, I'm new at this.

But, you know, I'm getting a little
tired of being new at this.

There is more to being a parent than
making peanut butter sandwiches all the

time. Oh, Abby, I'm sorry. I didn't mean
to criticize you. Yes, you did.

But, look, I understand this is
important, and you're not sure that I'm

handle this.

And, well,

I'll let you in on a little secret.

I'm not sure I am either, but it's about
time we all found out, right?

Good luck.

Hello. Oh, Mrs., uh... Bradford.

Bradford, right, right. Well, I
appreciate you giving me a call.

Looks like the boys got a little out of
hand here.

Oh, yes, I would say just a little,
yeah. Well, boys will be boys.

Oh, is that what it is?

Do you think that boys could be boys
without getting drunk?

Ah, they'll sleep it off.

Won't kill them.

Matter of fact, it might put a little
hair on their chest, huh?

Hey, listen, if there's any damage here
to your apartment, I'd be glad if... Oh,

no, no, that won't be necessary, Mr... O
'Hara, Jack O 'Hara. Jack O 'Hara.

Well, I'll get him up.

Hey, come on. Hey, Jimbo, Red, come on,
Carrot Top, get up. Come on, wake up.

Come on, on you. Come on. Get on your
feet. Jenny, come on, boy.

Jenny, come on, Jenny. Up and at them.

Party's over.

Come on, party's over. Let's go.

I made you happy. I won't buy it.

Thanks a lot, Mrs.

Bradford. Bradford, right.

Could you open the door here? Oh, yes, I
absolutely should. Thank you.

Come on, Jimbo. You'll feel better in a
minute. Good night, Mrs. Bradford. Bye.

Abby. Here.

You're not going to tell Dad, are you?

Why don't you let me make that decision,
okay?

Oh, sure, Abby.

It's just that... Well, you know, we all
kind of stick together. Yeah, I know.

It's hard. Let's go to bed. Your dad
will be home soon.

Night. Night.

Nicholas, look what you made me do.

I'm sorry.

What a mess.

Right.

You never saw me do this, right?

A little to Benedict.

In a manner of speaking, yes.

Abby, Tommy won't get up.

Oh, Nicholas, I want you to do me a
favor, okay?

I want you to be real, real quiet around
Tommy today and stay out of the room as

much as possible, all right?

But it's not... It's not his birthday.

Yeah, but he has to, um... He has to
study all day today.

On Sunday?

Yeah, he's got a big, big test tomorrow.

Now, why don't you run out and get the
paper and, uh, don't mess it up.

Boy, what a crazy Sunday.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday, dear Thomas. Happy
birthday to you. Oh, thank you. What is

This is room service. Breakfast in bed
for the birthday boy.

Hey, what do you know?

Boy, oh boy, that's a wonderful thing.

Yeah.

I hope you still think so after you've
tried it.

Eggs Benedict?

Yeah. That is wonderful.

And this is freshly squeezed?

Hmm.

So it is.

Yeah, I'm learning, huh?

So are you ready for your birthday
present?

Sure.

Mr. Thomas Bradford, you are king for a
day.

Huh? During your 24 -hour reign, you
will have absolute peace and

You will be waited on hand and foot by
eight little elves.

and the newspaper and the television set
will be yours and all yours, and there

will be no shouting or arguing or
badgering or Bradfording of any kind.

what do you think?

Oh, boy, that's an original birthday
present. Yeah, yeah, the kids thought it

up. Huh.

Well, if there's anything you want, just
ring.

Would you like this watch, sir?

Uh, no.

Would you do me a favor?

Sure. Give that to the goodwill.

Ready yet?

Hey, happy birthday, Dad. Oh, thank you.
Hey, what's the coffee and ice pack

for?

Ice pack?

Um... It's a science experiment, Dad,
for Tommy for school.

See, we're helping him, uh... Real
interesting, Dad. We're helping Tommy to

the freezing point of, um... Coffee?
Yeah, yeah, and we gotta run because

otherwise the coffee will... I mean, the
ice will melt.

Tommy.

Tommy.

Hi.

Come on, Tommy.

You gotta wake up sometime.

Yeah, Tommy.

We brought the first aid.

Rise and shine, killer. You had quite a
night.

It's okay.

Oh, my gosh.

Well, come on.

Cheer up.

Here you go.

It's going to get worse before it does.

brings them up for a third and long from
the Cougars' own 20 -yard line.

Critical third down player for the
Cougars.

The backs are split.

Williams flanked out to the weak side.

The snap.

Klosky's fading back into the pocket,
looking for a receiver.

He's throwing long, and it's complete.

The Williams with the 45.

That puts the Cougars right back into
this ballgame.

Hiya, champ.

Hi, Dad.

Why are you whispering?

Because I'm not allowed to talk. It's
your birthday.

Oh. Oh, yeah. Well, I appreciate the
thought, but, I mean, you don't have to

whisper. Oh, I... Oh, I don't? Thanks,
Dad.

Listen, where is Tommy?

He's studying.

I mean, he's done...

On Sunday?

Yeah.

Did you notice if he looked kind of
grumpy and not so hot this morning?

Boy, did he ever. He looked like he can
use some Benedicts.

Benedicts? Yeah, you know, Benedicts,
about that guy when he drank too much,

they gave him some kind of eggs that he
liked, you know, with all this kind of

stuff on it.

Oh, of course, Benedicts.

Nicholas.

Maybe you'd better whisper.

Abby, how many candles should I put on
this? As few as possible.

21, maybe?

Oh, no, at least 23. We don't want to
embarrass David.

Two glasses and two beers?

Well, it is his birthday.

Abby, you didn't tell him, did you?

No.

Who is it?

Just a minute.

Come in.

Wow.

dark in here, isn't it?

Ah.

That's better.

Oh, boy.

Lovely day out.

What's that for?

Oh, I thought that you and I would have
a little drink together, you know, kind

of man to man.

Oh, no thanks, Dad.

Oh, why not? It's all right. You're a
man now. You're almost 16, right?

I can't.

Oh, come on. Why not? Is there anything
wrong?

Look, how about a quickie? You know, a
hair of the dog that bit you?

Dad, please.

It's not very funny, huh?

Beer?

Well, a couple of the guys and I got
together and...

And now you feel like a man?

I feel awful.

You know, half of me wants to take you
and knock some sense into you.

But the other half is sharing that
headache.

Tommy, being a man doesn't mean seeing
if you can drink more than your friends

or drive faster or win at poker.

Or any of those things that we think it
means when we're young.

What it means is...

Oh, shucks. I don't know what it really

does mean exactly.

I'll tell you one thing. It has nothing
to do with being able to hold more beer

than your friends.

I know that.

No, you don't.

Not yet.

But you will.

You're just beginning to try to make
sense out of all the confusion.

But you will.

Slowly, gradually.

And one day you're going to go into your
son's room when he gets drunk for the

first time.

And you're going to try to tell him what
I'm trying to tell you.

But the words won't come out.

Only the feeling.

It's not easy being a man, Tommy.

Oh, hey, Dad.

Happy birthday.

Oh, thanks a lot.

Oh, and listen, Tommy, keep the ice bag
right above the eyes. Make him feel a

lot better.

How long has he been up there?

A long time.

And he took two beers with him? And two
glasses. Girls, I want noise.

Huh? I want noise. I want to be
bothered, aggravated, irritated, and

Do you understand?

Uh, sure, Dad.

Very good.

Huh?

Nicholas, make noise.

Yell for Elizabeth.

Elizabeth! Oh, no, no, that won't do.
Louder!

Elizabeth!

That's better. Now run and tell
Elizabeth and tell your sister Nancy to

making noise immediately.

No, no, no, run! Don't walk!

Boy, oh, boy. My son has a hangover and
nobody tells me about it.

Oh, well, Tom, we just didn't want to
bother you, that's all.

Bother me?

What's gotten into you?

Quiet. This house is driving me crazy
all day long. I feel like a stranger

around here.

Everybody's tiptoeing around, acting
like a nice, quiet little family.

Well, we thought that's what you wanted.

No, we're not a nice, quiet little
family. We are a big, large, loud, noisy

family. But we thought that one day a
year you wouldn't mind a little quiet.

It's a nice thought. It's a wonderful
thought.

It's not us.

That's right.

Isn't that beautiful?

It is.

Music to my ears.

Thank

you.

Thank you, one and all. Thank you for
the birthday present, even though I had

a... hard time enjoying it.

Hey, I think I'm going to take a piece
off the tummy. Oh, that's a good idea.

There you go.

When is Tommy going to be done studying?
Soon, Nicholas, soon.

Boy, he ought to get 200 % on that exam.

Nicholas, eat your cake.

Noisily.

Thought you might want a piece of Dad's
birthday cake.

No, thanks.

David, I'm sorry.

Art's cool.

Joanie and Susan straightened the place
up. Yeah, but I lied to you.

Tell you the truth, I never bought the
story about the geometry exam.

Then why'd you let me have the
apartment?

Well, that's what big brothers are for,
to keep you off the streets.

Anyway, it looks like you paid the
price.

Pretty bad head?

The pits.

Hey, listen, how am I going to explain
this to Nicholas?

Well, the same way I explained it to you
five or six years ago.

You ran into a revolving door.

Oh, come on. I never bought that.

Are you kidding?

First thing you wanted to know was
whether I was going in or going out at

time.