Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:11,960
CLEARS THROAT
2
00:00:11,960 --> 00:00:12,960
EXHALES
3
00:00:12,960 --> 00:00:14,640
I'm shaking.
4
00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:18,800
Tonight, on New Year's Eve,
5
00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:21,960
we honour a very special member
of the Pellocks family.
6
00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:26,960
Although her physical body
is gone forever...
7
00:00:29,960 --> 00:00:30,960
..her spirit lives on.
8
00:00:34,640 --> 00:00:36,960
It brings me great sadness
to say this, but...
9
00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:40,960
..due to complications
following her surgery,
10
00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:44,960
our friend Olivia
won't be joining us tonight.
11
00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:46,960
She is risen.
12
00:00:48,480 --> 00:00:49,800
Oh, for...
13
00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:51,960
Thank God. When you said you were
still recovering from the thing,
14
00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:53,960
I didn't think
you were gonna make it.
15
00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:55,960
Yeah, well, I wasn't gonna miss
my own special night, was I?
16
00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:57,640
Boop.
Oh.
17
00:00:57,640 --> 00:00:58,960
SIMON GROANS,
SNEEZES
18
00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:00,960
Cutting it a bit fine.
19
00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:02,960
Funny, that's exactly
what I said to my surgeon. Boom.
20
00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:05,960
TOM CHUCKLES
How's the new fanny, Liv?
21
00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:07,960
I can't imagine
what it must suddenly be like
22
00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:09,960
to not have a penis.
Never change, Millie.
23
00:01:09,960 --> 00:01:11,960
I thought this was her funeral.
24
00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:13,960
What did you think
the Champagne was for?
25
00:01:16,480 --> 00:01:17,960
Terrifying.
SIMON CLEARS THROAT
26
00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:19,960
In 15 minutes,
27
00:01:19,960 --> 00:01:21,960
after months of fundraising,
28
00:01:21,960 --> 00:01:24,960
the biggest donors towards
Liv's gender reassignment surgery
29
00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:26,960
will come thundering
through those doors
30
00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:28,960
for a black-tie gala event
31
00:01:28,960 --> 00:01:30,960
that's gonna blow their socks off.
32
00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:32,960
But wait!
33
00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:35,960
It's not all going to be
stuffy formality.
34
00:01:35,960 --> 00:01:36,960
FORCED CHUCKLE
35
00:01:36,960 --> 00:01:38,960
TOM AND MILLIE LAUGH
Oh, no.
36
00:01:38,960 --> 00:01:39,960
It wouldn't be a New Year's Eve
37
00:01:39,960 --> 00:01:42,960
without a few fireworks now,
would it? Hm?
38
00:01:42,960 --> 00:01:44,960
And you know what?
39
00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:46,960
I got us a few fireworks.
40
00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:53,960
Just as Olivia's surgeons
corrected God's mistake,
41
00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:57,960
so, too, must we reverse
our own mistakes of the last year.
42
00:01:57,960 --> 00:02:01,000
Not only is tonight
a chance to celebrate
43
00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:02,960
our freshly hole-punched friend...
44
00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:05,960
"Point at..." Er, friend.
45
00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:09,960
..but also
to win back the public's trust.
46
00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:10,960
This...
47
00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:14,960
This speech is stupid.
48
00:02:17,320 --> 00:02:19,640
It's our last chance
to save the store.
49
00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:23,960
So, what the hey?
50
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:27,960
Join me in a toast.
51
00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:29,960
We are Pellocks.
52
00:02:29,960 --> 00:02:31,960
We are Pellocks.
53
00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:34,960
Eurgh.
54
00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:40,960
Imagine if you'd known
when you started working here
55
00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:41,960
that all these months later,
56
00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:43,960
your shiny new vagina would swoop in
and save the store.
57
00:02:43,960 --> 00:02:45,000
Yeah.
58
00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:46,960
Yeah, I didn't get the surgery.
59
00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:47,960
What?!
60
00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:49,960
Well, I had to tell somebody,
didn't I!?
61
00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:51,480
I'm carrying
this extra weight around.
62
00:02:51,480 --> 00:02:53,960
Well, clearly! Why didn't you
tell me you didn't get the surgery?
63
00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:55,960
I thought the money
could be put to better use
64
00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:57,960
on a holy pilgrimage
to the land of my people.
65
00:02:57,960 --> 00:02:58,960
What does that even mean?
66
00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:00,960
I went to Thailand for a month.
67
00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:02,960
Liv, what you're describing
is charity fraud!
68
00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:04,960
Right. There's a roomful
of donors coming tonight
69
00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:05,960
that have paid for your surgery.
70
00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:08,960
Why did you have to do this tonight?
It was all going so well!
71
00:03:08,960 --> 00:03:11,960
I was gonna kiss Millie at midnight.
OK, Thomas, Thomas. Calm down.
72
00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:12,960
OK? Everything's gonna be fine.
73
00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:15,800
You're gonna get your kiss.
I'll get celebrated by everybody.
74
00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:17,960
Nobody's gonna find out
about this situation.
75
00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:18,960
TOM SIGHS
76
00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:24,960
Just... stay...
77
00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:28,960
..very... still.
78
00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:31,960
BEEFY SIGHS
79
00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:37,960
Oh, no.
Surely, you can't be serious.
80
00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:40,960
I am serious.
But thanks for calling me Shirley.
81
00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:42,960
It's not my name, but still
very progressive of you. Why...
82
00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:45,960
in the name of Moses
and his bougie little wicker basket,
83
00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:47,640
did you have to tell him?
84
00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:49,000
All of this
could've neatly disappeared.
85
00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:50,960
Yeah, well,
so could a lot of things.
86
00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:52,960
Oh! I'm sorry, Thomas,
87
00:03:52,960 --> 00:03:55,960
if I didn't let some quack
prune me like a bonsai tree!
88
00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:57,960
I had to cover your medical leave.
89
00:03:57,960 --> 00:03:59,960
I missed the birth of my own son.
90
00:04:01,640 --> 00:04:04,160
Look, in fairness,
admittedly not my finest hour,
91
00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:06,960
but can we please remember
that tonight is all about me?
92
00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:11,960
No! Tonight is about me,
you Tim Burton toilet brush!
93
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:14,960
This was my last chance
to turn everything round!
94
00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:19,960
Your new vaj was meant to lift
the curse of the ladyboy billboard!
95
00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:20,960
None of this was my idea.
96
00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:22,960
I didn't ask for a fundraiser.
What do you even mean!?
97
00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:25,960
The only reason you work here is,
you told me you couldn't afford rent
98
00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:27,960
because you were saving up
for your surgery.
99
00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:30,960
Newsflash, Thomas. I lied!
100
00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:34,000
I lie about things!
It is a core part of my character.
101
00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:35,960
But I get away with it
102
00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:38,960
because I've got a charming accent
and a silly little haircut!
103
00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:40,960
Oh, great. I mean,
I thought I was your best friend,
104
00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:41,960
but turns out,
I'm one of your little Sims
105
00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:44,160
to stick in a swimming pool
and delete the ladder.
106
00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:46,960
It's good to know. Thanks.
Shush, everyone!
107
00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:48,640
I-I need time to think!
108
00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:49,960
EXHALES
109
00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:52,960
OK, look, we are the only ones
who know, w-which is good.
110
00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:55,960
We just have to keep it a secret
from the other guests.
111
00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:58,160
Now, normally, I'd say that
wouldn't be too hard, but you'd...
112
00:04:58,160 --> 00:05:01,960
you'd probably make some joke
about arousal, wouldn't you?
113
00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:02,960
I would 100% do that.
He's not wrong.
114
00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:05,960
You're a ticking time bomb.
SIGHS
115
00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:08,800
OK, all right.
116
00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:10,960
EXHALES DEEPLY
We just...
117
00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:12,960
We just have to come together
tonight, all right?
118
00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:14,960
Keep the other guests distracted
119
00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:17,960
and stop Olivia's foul secret
from getting out.
120
00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:22,960
Yeah, whatever.
121
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:27,960
Welcome.
122
00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:29,960
Welcome. Ooh!
Hello.
123
00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:33,960
The roads are so icy out there, it's
a wonder anyone made it here at all.
124
00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:35,960
Nice coat.
125
00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:38,320
Hey, this is all right, isn't it?
126
00:05:38,320 --> 00:05:40,960
We're not deceiving anyone, are we?
I mean, we're just selling them
127
00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:42,960
a comforting fiction
like Father Christmas.
128
00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:45,960
Oh, I'm just gonna push that one
down and deal with it later.
129
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:46,960
How we looking
on the seven-layer dip?
130
00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:49,960
Technically, it is just mayonnaise,
but the ingredients separate
131
00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:51,960
if you leave it out overnight
under a lamp.
132
00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:53,160
Lies upon lies.
133
00:05:53,160 --> 00:05:54,960
Er, are we expecting
your ex-wife tonight?
134
00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:57,960
I doubt it. Not sure why she'd drag
her cold reptilian carcass...
135
00:05:57,960 --> 00:05:59,960
Simon. ..out of the warmth
of our former marital home.
136
00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:02,320
Hello, Simon.
Hello, darling. Ah.
137
00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:03,960
HE CLEARS THROAT
Good of you to come.
138
00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:05,960
But, of course, with you here,
139
00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:07,960
what's Batman gonna use to perch
atop the Gotham City skyline?
140
00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:10,960
MILLIE CHUCKLES
Ooh, ouch.
141
00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:12,960
Come on, darling,
we both work for the company.
142
00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:13,960
Let's keep things civil.
143
00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:15,960
FREIDA CLICKS FINGERS
144
00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:18,960
Don't you fucking dare.
Sorry.
145
00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:20,960
Thank you.
146
00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:25,640
Well, well, well...
this is what it's come to, has it?
147
00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:28,960
We're throwing gender reveal parties
for 30-year-olds.
148
00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:30,960
Oh, I've been to one of those.
MILLIE CHUCKLES
149
00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:32,640
So much fun with the, erm...
150
00:06:32,640 --> 00:06:35,960
exploding paint and the music
and the three bald men.
151
00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:38,960
No, no, no,
I'm thinking of the Blue Man Group.
152
00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:39,960
Blue Man Group.
153
00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:41,960
You all right, Simon?
You seem a little nervous.
154
00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:43,960
I'm... I'm all right. You all right?
155
00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:45,960
BEEFY CHORTLING
156
00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:14,640
Wow. What a successful
and impressive gala.
157
00:07:14,640 --> 00:07:15,960
So sorry I'm late.
158
00:07:15,960 --> 00:07:19,960
I've just been admiring Olivia's
new vagina, which definitely exists.
159
00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:21,960
What are you doing?
160
00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:23,960
Distracting the guests,
like you said. Jesus Christ.
161
00:07:25,640 --> 00:07:26,960
Have we met before?
162
00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:29,960
No, no. But I get that a lot...
from racists.
163
00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:34,320
I am Madame Ja-Ja
Sweet Chilli Montague,
164
00:07:34,320 --> 00:07:37,960
and I am a wealthy widow
and philanthropist.
165
00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:42,960
Well, thank you for coming
all the way from Monaco, Ja-Ja.
166
00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:44,000
Simon and I are lovers.
167
00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:48,960
Excuse me?
And he is just as impressive
168
00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:51,960
in the boardroom
as he is in the bedroom.
169
00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:55,800
Mmm. "Cham-pag-na."
170
00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:57,960
BOTH CHUCKLE
171
00:08:04,320 --> 00:08:05,960
Hey, Millie.
172
00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:06,960
Thomas.
Hey.
173
00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:08,480
Hi.
174
00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:11,960
Listen, I-I just wanted to say that
I'm... I'm... I'm a huge fan of you.
175
00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:13,800
Thank you.
As a colleague.
176
00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:16,480
But also as a woman.
177
00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:20,960
So, well, I-I'd consider it
a huge professional courtesy
178
00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:23,640
if you could, er, maybe find
a window in your itinerary
179
00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:24,960
this evening for... for a kiss.
180
00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:27,960
Ooh.
Erm, specifically at midnight.
181
00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:29,960
Specifically with me.
HE CHUCKLES SOFTLY
182
00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:31,960
Erm...
183
00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:33,960
15 seconds tops, and I'll...
I'll be out of your hair.
184
00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:35,960
One sec. Get in!
185
00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:37,960
Bless you.
Thank you.
186
00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:39,480
SHE CHUCKLES
187
00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:41,960
Better make it 45 seconds
to leave room for spillage.
188
00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:44,320
Yeah. Talk to me
about breath freshener.
189
00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:45,640
Breath freshener?
Mm-hm.
190
00:08:45,640 --> 00:08:47,480
I mean, I could offer you
spearmint, peppermint
191
00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:48,960
or a house blend of the two?
192
00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:51,320
Oh, a house blend.
I will see you at midnight.
193
00:08:51,320 --> 00:08:52,960
Great.
Thomas? Yeah?
194
00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:54,320
Don't be late.
No.
195
00:08:54,320 --> 00:08:55,960
I like my men like I like my coffee.
196
00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:57,960
I'm not waiting more than a minute
for it to show up.
197
00:08:57,960 --> 00:08:59,960
BOTH LAUGH
Yeah.
198
00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:01,640
I won't be because, erm...
199
00:09:01,640 --> 00:09:03,320
well, I like my women
like I like my lattes.
200
00:09:03,320 --> 00:09:06,960
Uh-huh. As evidenced by
the residual froth on my upper lip.
201
00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:09,960
I take that back.
202
00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:13,960
Don't be late.
Don't be late. Yeah. OK. See you.
203
00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:18,960
Goodbye, Thomas. Goodbye.
204
00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:20,800
Ooh, Mummy!
205
00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:25,960
EXHALES
206
00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:28,960
CHATTERING
207
00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:33,960
Oh, you're having a fucking laugh!
208
00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:36,960
Ah!
209
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:38,960
Oh, my God.
210
00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:44,960
Well done, old friend. Well done.
211
00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:45,960
DOOR OPENS
212
00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:52,640
What are you doing?
213
00:09:52,640 --> 00:09:55,960
Oh, I'm just taking the new vaj
for a spin.
214
00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:58,960
Just... Just having
a classic female wee down here.
215
00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:01,960
You crack on, chica.
216
00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:02,960
Don't mind me.
217
00:10:04,320 --> 00:10:06,960
Piece of shit!
218
00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:09,960
LIGHTER CLATTERS
Fucking freezing out here.
219
00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:12,640
Do you know,
I cannot for the life of me
220
00:10:12,640 --> 00:10:16,960
figure out why anyone
would choose to be a woman.
221
00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:18,960
Well, you know how it is.
222
00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:21,960
One day, you're watching
Tidying Up With Marie Kondo naked,
223
00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:24,000
and you think,
"This thing in my hand
224
00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:25,960
"just doesn't spark joy any more."
225
00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:29,960
A woman gets divorced,
she's a "money-grabbing harpy".
226
00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:34,160
A man gets divorced, it's like,
"On to the next trophy wife!"
227
00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:37,960
I did not expect him
to move on so quickly.
228
00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:41,960
I've got to say,
if I was born with a dick,
229
00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:44,960
I would be getting it insured.
230
00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:46,160
Everything all right?
231
00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:48,960
Yep. Yep. Just...
Do you know what it is?
232
00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:50,960
I think I'm just getting used to
my new urethra,
233
00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:52,480
which, as we both know,
234
00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:55,960
is located between the clitoris
and the vaginal opening,
235
00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:57,800
both of which I definitely possess.
236
00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:00,960
Yeah, good talk.
237
00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:07,160
SIGHS
My God.
238
00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:09,960
GRUNTING
239
00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:14,960
OK...
240
00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:19,800
CHATTERING
241
00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:22,960
Ten minutes to midnight.
Are you nervous?
242
00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:25,640
Nah. It's just a kiss, isn't it?
243
00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:27,800
Yeah.
It's not like I'm proposing.
244
00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:29,960
Although I am gonna need you
to get down on one knee.
245
00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:31,960
PHONE BUZZING
Sorry.
246
00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:34,160
Liv? Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down.
247
00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:37,960
What's stuck to the ice?!
248
00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:38,960
Just... One sec.
249
00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:43,960
I'm just saying,
if you had a hole down there,
250
00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:45,320
the ice wouldn't be such a problem.
251
00:11:45,320 --> 00:11:47,960
Tell that to the passengers
of the Titanic.
252
00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:49,960
Tom. Tom, look at me.
This is not my fault.
253
00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:52,960
Have you never got your tongue stuck
to a frosty lamp post before?
254
00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:53,960
If you're asking me if I had
255
00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:56,160
a childhood of whimsical curiosity,
then, yes, I did have.
256
00:11:56,160 --> 00:11:58,960
Now, picture my testes
in place of your tongue.
257
00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:01,640
No, thank you.
You're gonna have to pull me up.
258
00:12:01,640 --> 00:12:02,960
Do you know what, Liv? No.
259
00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:06,960
It's nearly midnight. I'm about
to kiss the girl of my dreams.
260
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:08,960
You lied about
saving for your surgery.
261
00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:13,960
Consider this all your chickens
coming home to roost.
262
00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:17,960
How is that a bad thing?
Tell that to a chicken farmer!
263
00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:18,960
Tom!
264
00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:21,960
Please.
TOM SIGHS
265
00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:24,960
You are the only person in the world
that would ever give me
266
00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:27,960
the benefit of the doubt
after this many fuck-ups.
267
00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:29,960
Maybe I don't deserve
another chance.
268
00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:33,960
But if anyone
was ever gonna give me one...
269
00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:46,960
BOTH CHUCKLING
270
00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:58,960
LIV SCREAMING
Shush! Shush! Shush!
271
00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:00,960
Ten, nine...
272
00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:02,960
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait. Wait!
273
00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:04,960
Wait. Wait.
274
00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:08,960
OK, go.
LIV GROANS
275
00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:09,960
..eight, seven...
276
00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:10,960
LIV BREATHING DEEPLY
277
00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:13,960
Oh! This is exactly the same
as having a baby!
278
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:15,960
..six, five,
279
00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:16,960
four, three...
280
00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:18,960
Two, one...
281
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:21,960
LIV SCREAMING
282
00:13:27,480 --> 00:13:29,640
SCREAMING CONTINUES
283
00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:37,000
Hello.
284
00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:45,960
# For auld lang syne, my dear
285
00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:51,960
# For auld lang syne
286
00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:57,960
# We'll take a cup of kindness yet
287
00:13:57,960 --> 00:14:00,960
# For auld lang syne... #
FREIDA LAUGHING
288
00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:04,960
SOBBING
289
00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:20,640
TOM EXHALES
290
00:14:20,640 --> 00:14:21,960
Oh, good, she's alive.
291
00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:23,160
I brought you some ice.
292
00:14:23,160 --> 00:14:24,960
Good one.
293
00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:26,960
How long was I out?
20 minutes.
294
00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:28,960
Everyone's out on the shop floor,
the donors are going mad.
295
00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:30,960
Oh.
296
00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:31,960
Sounds like
we're gonna lose the store.
297
00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:34,160
Oh, fuck!
298
00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:36,960
LIV GRUNTS
299
00:14:39,640 --> 00:14:41,960
Oh!
HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAK
300
00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:44,960
Why did you have to lie about
wanting to get the surgery?
301
00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:46,000
None of this would've happened
302
00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:48,960
if you just hadn't lied about
the bloody surgery, Liv.
303
00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:52,960
It wasn't a lie, Thomas.
I just hadn't fully decided yet.
304
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:54,960
Every transgender woman
imagines life with a minge.
305
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:57,960
I don't know if there's a pair
of butcher's flaps in my future,
306
00:14:57,960 --> 00:14:59,960
but that is my decision, not yours.
307
00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:01,960
I understand you now.
308
00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:06,480
It's exhausting pretending
to be something that you're not.
309
00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:09,960
Beefy. We've been over this,
Liv isn't pretending to be a woman.
310
00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:14,000
I'm talking about all the years that
she spent pretending to be a man.
311
00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:17,960
Nobody should have to
change who they are
312
00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:18,960
just to make other people happy.
313
00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:24,640
I'm going out there.
You can't. They'll eat you alive.
314
00:15:24,640 --> 00:15:26,960
Plus, a billion painkillers
are about to kick in.
315
00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:28,640
I feel fine.
316
00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:30,960
This is our last chance
to make everything right.
317
00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:34,960
Somebody get me a microphone...
318
00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:36,000
and a Pellocks uniform.
319
00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:37,960
OUTRAGED CHATTER
320
00:15:47,320 --> 00:15:52,480
You thought about installing
a bidet in your front porch?
321
00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:55,960
Cos the amount of shits you take
on your own doorstep is staggering.
322
00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:57,960
You can have the car in the divorce.
323
00:15:57,960 --> 00:15:59,960
Take the Chesterfield.
324
00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:01,960
You can even have half the cat,
325
00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:03,960
but p-please don't take
Pellocks away from me.
326
00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:04,960
Oh, this is about much more
327
00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:07,160
than the hindquarters
of a British shorthair, Simon.
328
00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:10,960
This is about erasing you
from my existence.
329
00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:12,960
WHEELS CLATTERING
330
00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:21,960
Liv, you've taken
too many painkillers.
331
00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:23,960
LIV GRUNTS
CROWD: Shh, shh!
332
00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:26,960
Look, look!
They're gonna say something here.
333
00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:28,320
What have you got to say
for yourself?
334
00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:39,640
What is a woman?
335
00:16:39,640 --> 00:16:41,960
Somebody with a vagina!
One guy's opinion.
336
00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:45,960
I'm not here to define
a "woman" or a "man".
337
00:16:47,480 --> 00:16:49,960
But I will define a "manager".
338
00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:53,960
Simon Heimann may run this place
like a game of Kerplunk.
339
00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:56,960
And if you look closely enough
tonight,
340
00:16:56,960 --> 00:17:00,960
his pocket square may turn out
to be a slice of wafer-thin ham.
341
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:04,960
But he's a good man.
342
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:10,960
I'm the reason
this place is filled with chaos,
343
00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:14,960
even if I do do it with the debonair
lovability of a cartoon cat.
344
00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:18,160
I take advantage of my friendships.
345
00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:24,160
I cause hard-working people
to get overlooked.
346
00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:28,960
I monopolise my best friend's time
so nobody else can get a look-in.
347
00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:34,960
I have taken many lovers.
348
00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:40,960
If you must punish somebody don't
punish these people, punish me.
349
00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:46,000
But before you do,
there's something I need to say.
350
00:17:55,000 --> 00:17:58,960
# Gather round and let me sing you
351
00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:02,480
# The transgender blues
352
00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:06,960
# The world's on fucking fire
353
00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:11,960
# And yet
We're still front-page news
354
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:15,960
# When this
One-girl sausage festival
355
00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:20,960
# Came rolling into town
356
00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:23,960
# You put me on this pedestal
357
00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:29,960
# Now I'm never coming
358
00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:35,640
# Down!
359
00:18:41,480 --> 00:18:44,000
# Don't let my penis
Come between us
360
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:46,960
# Born on Mars
Now I live on Venus
361
00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:49,960
# Dick for brains?
Then I'm a genius
362
00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:52,960
# There's a chance I might be Jesus
363
00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:55,160
# And when the day is done
364
00:18:55,160 --> 00:18:58,960
# My tits will outlive everyone
I said
365
00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:01,960
# I'm taking over the world
And I will represent
366
00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:04,960
# Both the boys
And the girls in equal measurement
367
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:07,960
# Kamala's grace, Gaddafi's panache
368
00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:11,160
# What better leader than a woman
Who can grow a moustache?
369
00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:13,960
# If you don't like me
Say it to my face
370
00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:15,800
# I've got an extra leg
371
00:19:15,800 --> 00:19:17,960
# I'm gonna win this race
It's not a lot to ask
372
00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:19,480
# For you to call me Mrs
373
00:19:19,480 --> 00:19:22,960
# We wouldn't be here if my mum
Had let me run with scissors
374
00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:24,800
# And I'm sorry
375
00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:28,960
# That that the queue
Outside the ladies' loo
376
00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:30,960
# Keeps getting longer
377
00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:34,960
# But we are stronger together
378
00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:38,160
# Like birds of a feather
379
00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:41,160
# And if it's time for me to fly
380
00:19:41,160 --> 00:19:45,960
# Then please, before I go
381
00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:50,960
# Give me one last chance
To drop my pants
382
00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:56,960
# So I can piss my name
Into the snow! #
383
00:19:56,960 --> 00:19:58,960
VOCALISING
384
00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:01,960
Aaaaaahhhhh.
385
00:20:03,640 --> 00:20:05,320
Aaaaaah.
386
00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:07,960
Well, that went well.
387
00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:10,960
CROWD CLAMOURING
388
00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:17,960
We just want our money back.
389
00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:21,960
Boo! Boo!
390
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:24,960
Enough. Enough. That's enough, OK?
391
00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:26,960
CHUCKLING
392
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:30,960
Hey, hello. Hello, yeah, yes.
Yeah. I hear you. I hear you.
393
00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:34,960
Just... Just hear...
Just hear me out, O-OK?
394
00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:36,960
We just want our money back,
Simon, shut up!
395
00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:38,960
You will.
You will get your money back.
396
00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:42,480
You... You will get your money back,
I-I-I promise.
397
00:20:42,480 --> 00:20:46,480
Because... if you allow
the store to remain open
398
00:20:46,480 --> 00:20:48,160
in order to repay her debt,
399
00:20:48,160 --> 00:20:50,960
erm, Olivia will be locked into
400
00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:54,960
a 50-hour-per-week
minimum wage contract
401
00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:57,960
until the day she dies.
402
00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:09,960
Thank... Thank you. Thank you.
403
00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:15,960
And in one final validation
of her womanhood,
404
00:21:15,960 --> 00:21:19,960
her wages will be docked
an additional 9% in accordance
405
00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:22,960
with the gender pay gap.
CROWD CHEERING
406
00:21:25,160 --> 00:21:27,640
Woohoo!
407
00:21:28,640 --> 00:21:30,960
#CompetentManagement.
408
00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:33,960
#HappyNewYear!
409
00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:35,960
CHEERING
410
00:21:37,480 --> 00:21:38,960
Whoo!
411
00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:40,960
Jesus Christ.
412
00:21:49,800 --> 00:21:51,960
Miss Fast, we have you scheduled in
413
00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:54,960
for an emergency
genital reconstruction.
414
00:21:54,960 --> 00:21:55,960
Oh, the irony.
415
00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:03,960
Whoa. Are you sure you should be
drinking in your condition?
416
00:22:03,960 --> 00:22:05,960
Tell you what, why don't you start
a charity fundraiser
417
00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:08,160
to have this bottle
removed from my hand?
418
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:09,320
Fair point.
419
00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:12,960
TOM SIGHS
I'm sorry I let things go too far.
420
00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:14,960
That's OK.
421
00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:18,960
I'm sorry you didn't get your kiss
at midnight.
422
00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:21,960
That's OK.
423
00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:22,960
TOM SIGHS
424
00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:25,960
Plenty of other socially mandatory
kisses on the calendar.
425
00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:28,960
Mistletoe at Christmas.
426
00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:31,960
Rehearsing a play... I...
427
00:22:31,960 --> 00:22:34,960
TOM SIGHS
428
00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:40,480
Happy New Year, Thomas.
429
00:22:40,480 --> 00:22:41,960
Thanks.
430
00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:44,960
But you're really,
really not my type.
431
00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:45,960
Oh, really?
Yeah.
432
00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:47,960
Because between my top half
and my bottom half,
433
00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:49,960
I like to think I've got
a little something for everyone.
434
00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:51,960
Ha! No.
TOM CHUCKLES
435
00:22:51,960 --> 00:22:53,960
Oh, for f...! I told you!
436
00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:55,960
Playful punches are for girls
with smaller hands.
437
00:22:55,960 --> 00:22:59,960
LIV CHUCKLES
# We'll take a cup of kindness yet
438
00:22:59,960 --> 00:23:05,960
# For the sake of auld lang syne. #
439
00:23:07,960 --> 00:23:09,960
Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com
32757
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish (Latin American)
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof