All language subtitles for Last.Man.Standing.S06E18.Take.Me.to.Church.1080p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H.264-NTb

That was - such a lovely sermon today.
- Yeah.

It was so uplifting.
- Mm-hmm.

What'd you think?

You know damn well
I was sleeping.

[ Scoffs ]

So what game
are we playing?

Yeah, you could never
stay awake,

and that's why you always sit
behind the lady

with the biggest hat.

It's your fault
for feeding me pancakes

before we go to church.

And the reverend's fault
for being so boring.

What's that all about?
That material used to work.

Well, I am sorry.

I'm sorry
that Reverend Paul

wasn't entertaining enough
for you.

You know, maybe he should juggle
while he's trying

to save your soul
- from the fiery pits of hell.

How is it you make the story
of David/Goliath boring?

A 12-year-old kills a giant
with a rock.

That's not boring!

It should make me want
to go out and kill a giant.

Oh, stop.

Eve, I thought you couldn't
go to church

because you were
running a 5K.

I could see why
you would think that

'cause that's what
I told you.

Wow, lying on a Sunday.

I'm surprised we're not up
to our asses in frog.

Shouldn't say asses on Sunday, right?
- No, don't. No.

You want coffee?
- Yes.

Eve, when was the last time
you went to church?

I mean, even Mandy goes
with Kyle every Sunday

to his church.

Really?
Really, Mom?

Did that sound right
as it came out of your mouth?

Eve.
I cannot believe you.

Have you forgotten
John 3:16?

"Snitches get stitches."

All right, so none of our
daughters goes to church anymore.

I should've
seen this coming.

I mean, none of you
stuck with gymnastics, either.

What's the big deal?
It's boring. Dad gets it.

Are you kidding?
Boring?

12-year-old kills a giant
with a rock?

I was on the edge
of my pew.

Well,
we're not kids anymore,

so we don't need
- to make excuses about this.

By the way, if Kyle asks,
I went to church with you guys.

I wish our daughters
went to church.

So do I.

Remember when we all used
to sit together --

the girls in their sweet
little dresses,

the -- the choir,
the organ music.

Mrs. Finnegan.
She had that big hat.

All the fathers would
fight each other

to get right behind her

'cause if you sat just so,
you could...

♪♪

Hey.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait.

You know, it's really too bad
that your girls

don't want to go to church
with you anymore.

Yeah.

Kids always find new ways
to break your heart.

They stop going to church.
They marry people you hate.

They don't share your interest
in Tito Puente.

He was the king
of the mambo.

Mike: Yeah, yeah.

That's a real punch
to the gut right there.

I remember
when Brandon said

he didn't want to go
to church anymore.

Carol laughed,
whacked him with a Bible,

threw him in the car.

There you go.

I can't force my girls
to go to church.

I could knock them off
that family phone plan.

But that's the only card
I got left.

I'm saving that
for something big.

It's tough now.

Churches have to compete

with so many other forms
of entertainment --

TV, movies, the Internet,
and those Japanese restaurant,

you know, that toss the shrimp
up in the air

and slice them before they
fall right back in your mouth.

Those guys aren't all great.
- Yeah?

I once got a Band-Aid
in my fried rice.

When I was young...

churches were full.
- Yeah.

Because people had
nothing else to do.

But right after church,
we'd all run down the street

with a stick and a hoop.

You should take your girls
to a black church.

Now, we know how to put butts
in seats.

We gave the world
Aretha Franklin,

Whitney Houston,
and Beyoncé.

Oh, yes, yes.
Good butts, too.

You know
- what your church needs, Mike.

Yep, clever marketing director
to help liven things up.

I was gonna say
Tito Puente.

I know.
- He was the...

king of the mambo.
...king of the mambo.

♪♪

Look, Kyle,
just be yourself.

My listeners on
"Vegans and Villains"

want to hear
what you have to say.

All right, how many listeners
are out there?

There are millions of listeners
out there.

But my podcast gets 14.

And here come
the butterflies.

Okay, so I will greet them
and then introduce you, check?

Check.
[ Clears throat ]

Watermelon.

Watermelon.

Watermelon.

Tissue. Tissue.

Mwah. Mwah.

[ Clears throat ]

Good to go.

Okay.

In three, two, and...

[ Smoothly ] Welcome
to "Vegans and Villains."

I'm your host, Ryan Vogelson,
with an hour of casual talk

about my two
favorite subjects --

a do-no-harm diet and
do-nothing-but-harm bad guys.

My guest this week
is Kyle --

Ryan, have you seen
the car keys?

[ Normal voice ]
Pause!

Can't you see
that I'm recording here?

Sorry. I forgot you were doing
your little web thingy.

Boyd is late
for hockey practice.

Hey, Uncle Kyle.
Are you on the podcast?

Ah, yes, I am.
- I am the special guest today.

I've been on five times.

I've had
some cancellations.

Okay, got to go.
Love you. Bye.

Love you.

[ Sighs ]

[ Smoothly ]
And we're back.

Sorry for that interruption,
folks.

My wife barged in...again.

Regular listeners will know
what I'm talking about.

Maybe you shouldn't say stuff
about your wife on the podcast.

Eh, don't worry about it.
She doesn't listen.

She says she does,
but I know she doesn't.

That's what I love
about Mandy.

She doesn't listen to me,

and she does not mind
telling me that.

Okay, but doesn't that
bother you?

Is there anything she does
that drives you crazy?

Oh, she has
this red dress.

When she wears it,
my neck starts to sweat.

I mean, drive you crazy
in an annoying way.

Oh.

Well, every Sunday,
she chooses to go

to her parents' church
over mine.

And my church has snakes.

Well, well, well.

Sounds like we have two
real-life villains to discuss.

We'll pick it up there
after this.

[ Chime ringing ]

And we're back.

♪♪

-Hey, honey, listen.
-Yeah.

Think I have a way

to get the girls interested
in church again.

Shame them? Bribe them?
Blackmail?

You know, instead of always
guessing what I'm gonna say,

you might just let me...
finish.

I just like
to get something in

before the monologue
really gets rolling.

It's all about marketing, really.
- Okay.

The girls aren't buying
what the church is selling.

That's where I come in.
I got it.

[ Knock on door ] Jesus saves
Mike, and now Mike saves Jesus.

No, no, no, no, no.

See, the message isn't the
problem, it's the messenger.

This is the problem.

And yet your mat says
"Welcome."

Come on in.
Hi, Reverend Paul.

What are you doing here?

Well, word on the street is,
you want to make a contribution.

I certainly do.
- Awesome.

Well, we need
some new choir robes.

We take cash, checks,
PayPal, Apple Pay, Venmo.

What I am offering is
far more valuable than cash.

I'm going to make you
more interesting.

Money orders, debit cards...
even scratchers --

We're pretty lucky.

The sermons are really
the problem.

I mean, you're losing people,
and if you keep losing people,

you're literally gonna be
preaching to the choir.

Look, i-it's okay, Mike.
I-I really appreciate the help.

I mean,
- just the one part of the job

that never really clicked
with me was the sermons.

Well...

that and, uh...baptisms.
- Hmm.

Yeah.

I always felt like
- I was waterboarding a baby.

Well...

that explains the crying
in the confessions.

Listen, I do a lot
of public speaking.

I could probably help you.

Do you have anything set up
for this Sunday?

All right, yeah.
- I mean, it's just a rough draft.

So go easy on me.
Perfect, perfect.

All right.
[ Clears throat ]

Corinthians --

Stop.

What?
- All I said was "Corinthians."

I fell asleep
before "inthians."

You got to put some life
into it.

All right.

Corinthians!
- No, no.

Now we're playing Yahtzee!
That's not gonna work.

Sometimes to break the ice
for the crowd,

as well as yourself,
a little joke, a little humor.

All right.
- Um...

Oh, oh!

Why didn't Noah play card games
on the arc?

'Cause he was standing
on the deck.

[ Chuckles ]

Yeah, if -- if --
- if you're looking for a joke,

I-I have a good one.

Oh, good.

So, um....
well, maybe you should say,

"Does anyone know
how Moses makes his coffee?"

-You got to ask, "How?"
-Oh. How?

So...with one part coffee,

two parts the water.

[ Chuckles ]

Or you could say,
"He brews it."

[ Laughs ]
That's good.

Like -- Like "Hebrew"?

It was right there!

Listen, Mike, this is great.
Listen, I got to run.

Uh, do you have some extra time
this week we can do it? - Yeah.

We can work a little
on eye contact --

eye contact.

Wow. Wow.
- Yeah.

♪♪

Ugh. There you are.
Kristin, I am beyond mad.

I know I don't look it because
I just had this oxygen facial,

but underneath
this beautiful glow

is this, like,
angry, monstrous --

Well, you know the way
that you get.

I-Is this about that purse
that Boyd took from your closet?

I-I-I was gonna give it back,
but I just --

it makes me feel so fashion-y,
you know, like...

like I'm the flier for
the juniors section at Target.

Nope. Keep it.
Ruined it for me.

This is worse.

Excuse me.
Is anyone sitting here?

Yeah, he --
Thank you.

[ Sighs ] Listen.

Do you listen
to Ryan's podcasts?

Uh, of course.

I-I love them.

Oh!

So, um, you're okay with being
called "meaner than Catwoman"?

What?

He talks about me
on those things?

Mm-hmm.

He also said
- you're a terrible listener

and -- even worse --
pushing 30.

I thought they were just about
superheroes and salads.

No, no.
That's a cover.

It's a bitch-apalooza
about wives.

Also, he has some
- disgusting recipes on there.

Literally nothing has meat
in it.

Okay, so, he talks smack
about me on those podcasts?

I mean,
- I bought him that microphone.

Yep. I know.

And now he's got Kyle doing it.
You got to do something.

Like Michelle Obama says,

when they go low,
kick them in the nuts.

That's completely wrong,

but, uh...in this case,
solid advice.

I'm, like, pretty pissed

about some of the stuff he said
about me on there,

but now he's famous,
so I'm super torn.

Well, I suppose I should
look at some of these.

Oh, my God. There are 25.
- Yeah.

Suddenly,
he has follow-through.

This one's even called
"She's Pushing 30."

♪♪

So, what has the parable
of the Good Samaritan taught us?

Well, my friends...

it's that we need to take care
of our neighbors...

unless they're Raider fans.

[ Laughter ]

I'm just kidding.
Have you seen their helmets?

Ooh! They work
for that other guy.

That's all me.

So, let's recap.

The Good Samaritan took care

of a dirty, injured,
half-dead stranger.

What a guy.

I don't even like shaking hands
during flu season.

[ Laughter ]

This is a blast, right?

Solid set.

I mean, I can see why they do
four shows on Sunday.

He's really compelling.

I feel like he's talking
just to me.

That's eye contact.
I taught him that.

That's we sell snowshoes
at Outdoor Man,

and people don't even
need them.

But here's the takeaway.

None of this stuff matters...

if you're just gonna sit
on your butts

and think about doing
good deeds.

-Where'd he got?
[ Murmuring ]

Uh, where -- where --
where'd he go?

He's not done. He's not done.
Wait for it. Wait for it.

Gotcha!

I'm back...

just like another guy
everybody thought was gone.

But then he came back.

Cue sincere closing.

Sincerely, folks,

I know it's my job to stand up
here and inspire you.

But as I look out
at your faces,

I realize...
it's you that inspires me.

Peace out.

[ Feedback ]

♪♪

You were right, honey.
He was boring before.

You did a great job.

Don't thank me.
Thank God.

He made me.

You know,
- I think next week's sermon

should be on humility.

Yeah,
and I'll crush it.

Well,
what'd you think?

Come on.
- Hey, wow. That was fantastic.

With the crowds
we're gonna be pulling in,

we'll be able to pay
for new choir robes in no time.

And then you could use
the old ones

as they were intended --
as tablecloths.

[ Laughs ] Hey, - thanks for
everything, Mike. You bet.

Listen,
I got to keep mingling.

I know pride's a sin,
but screw it.

I was great.

Uh, so, what do you guys think?
Should we, uh...

Should we make this
a regular thing?

Oh, Holy Ghost, yeah!

Yeah,
let's commit right now!

Like, every...February.

Or every other February.

Or you know what? Hear me out.
This was enough.

I mean, this experience
was so good, it can't be topped.

Well, it could be.
I won't be here.

Me neither.

Let me know.

Oh, shoot.

I thought we had them.

I think
we can get them back.

I could burn one of them
at the stake.

Maybe Eve will
get the message.

Well, I guess that's it.
We lost them.

Our girls are done
with church.

There's a lot of ways
to get them back, you know --

drug addiction, bad marriage,
serious illness.

You got to think positive.

I mean, I always treasured those
Sunday mornings we spent together.

It's a tradition that I would
hope the girls would carry on.

The reverend killed it,
- resurrected it, killed it again.

What else can we do?

You know,
I was glad he did my joke

about feeding the multitudes

with one fish
and a loaf of bread.

"And on that day,
the Lord invented tapas."

Yeah. Yeah.
- Strong small-plate joke.

Yeah, small-plate jokes.
[ Chuckles ]

We weren't just sitting there
waiting to be entertained.

We were
a part of the service.

We actually gave something
of ourselves.

Hmm.
It worked for us.

It'll work for them.

They don't need to be
entertained.

They need to get
involved.

What --
What are you doing?

Play along. Come here. Stick with me.
Hey, wait. No. Wait.

Why don't you ever just tell me
what you're doing?

Hey, girls.

No. Shh!
I'm in the fashion zone.

And it's gone.

Your mom and I
were talking,

and we're okay with you guys
going to church

just a couple times a year,
like on major holidays.

Oh, you are?
- No way.

They're up to something.

Or, at least, Dad is.

Oh, ye of little faith.

Kind of amazed, Mandy,
you didn't like the choir.

I mean, those robes are pretty
spectacular, right, honey?

Uh, yeah, yeah.
They were.

Uh, still don't know
what you're doing.

Those choir robes
are awful, Dad.

It's like a bunch of sad people
being tented for termites.

It's too bad you couldn't draw
something better.

Pretty sure I could in like two seconds.
- Yeah?

Like they say in the Old West,
why don't you draw, sister?

Okay. Um...

I'd start
- by defining the shoulders,

give it
a nice scalloped hem,

and maybe
some gold beading,

burgundy overlay...
- Ah.

...and...voilà.

I like it.

Now we got to find somebody
who could make that for us.

I could knock that out in five minutes.
- No, no.

Give me that.
- Uh, yeah, - we dare you to knock it out.

Got it.

Oh, boy.

I'll tell you what, Eve,
that music, huh?

What do you think?
- That was just great, wasn't it?

Just cut to the chase,
old man.

It's more fun for him this way.
[ Chuckles ]

It's a sickness.

♪♪

[ Smoothly ]
Hello, friends.

Welcome to another episode of
"Vegans and Villains."

Today, we're discussing
the Joker

and spaghetti squash
pad thai.

I'm joined once again
by Kyle Anderson.

For those of you wondering
about Boyd,

he's on a playdate
this week.

My wife, Mandy,
is a great person.

She is perfect in every way,
and I love her very much.

Looks like Kyle
has kicked off

the corrections portion
of the podcast.

Last week, we said some things
about our wives

we probably should have
kept private.

I-I think it's a lesson
to us all.

You should never say something about
a loved one to another person

that you wouldn't say
to their face.

That's very thoughtful,
Kyle.

Well, it came up a lot
in my talk with Mandy.

I hope I got that right,
honey.

You know, I think I said
what I said because

I knew my wife wasn't listening,
even if she said she was.

And my immature, bratty side
wanted to pay her back.

Dude, that sucks.

I know.

Turns out,
I'm not only a vegan.

I'm also a villain --
Passive-Aggressive Man.

Yeah, he -- he seems really
nice, and then he does stuff

and later, you realize,
"Man, that was super crappy."

Yes.
Thank you, Kyle.

And to my lovely wife...

...I'm truly sorry, honey.

From now on,
if I have an issue,

I'll just tell you...

and not Gene and Gary,

the Banford twins, Melissa,

and the gang
at the downtown sub shop.

What about Gabe?

Oh, he sent me an e-mail.
We lost him.

Anyway,
it'll never happen again.

But in my defense,

I did say way more good things
about you than bad things.

And yet,
for some strange reason,

I'm only focused
on the bad things.

Uh...for those of you
who can't see,

my wife is
blowing me a kiss.

And here it comes now.

[ Chime ringing ]

♪♪

Hey, Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man

with a message
for our online community.

"Online community" --
That's a contradiction in terms.

It's not a community
if you can't hear, smell,

or see the guy
you're talking to.

You can brag in a chat room

about the size of the buck
you bagged,

but lying to someone's face
is harder,

which is why it's so much
more rewarding.

So, come on down --
see us, hear us, smell us.

We got a restaurant, a full bar,
and a gun range.

And I should have said that
in a different order.

Like any community,

Outdoor Man is about
give and take.

You give us your money...

and we take it.

You see,
that kind of good-natured humor,

you can't get online.

So get out and join
a real community.

Come and meet new friends.
Try on some new threads.

We've got outdoor clothes
in every size...

except small and medium.

♪♪

♪ Put your hand in the hand of
the man ♪ Bring your kids...

♪ Who stilled the water ♪

...and your grandkids.
♪ Put your ♪

♪ Hand in the hand of the man who calmed
the sea ♪ Give a little bit of yourself,

and I think you'll find
you get a whole lot more back.

♪ Take a look at yourself ♪

♪ And you can look at others
differently ♪

What are you doing?
The girls are singing.

I'm watching my vlog.

It lines up pretty well
with what's going on here.

[ Scoffs ]

♪ Put your hand in the hand
of the man ♪

♪ Who stilled the water ♪

♪ Put your ♪

♪ Hand in the hand of the man
who calms the sea ♪

♪ Put your hand in the hand of
the man who stilled the water ♪

♪ Put your hand in the hand
of the man who calmed the sea ♪

♪ Take a look at yourself ♪

♪ And you can look at
others differently ♪

♪ Put your hand in the hand
of the man from Galilee ♪

♪ Put your hand in the hand ♪

♪ Hand in the hand ♪

♪ Put your
hand in the hand ♪

♪ Hand in the hand ♪

♪ Put your hand in the hand ♪