All language subtitles for Last.Man.Standing.S06E17.The.Friending.Library.1080p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H.264-NTb

Damn.

Look at Mrs. Larabee,
back on the market,

living the single life
in L.A.

Give me my phone.

Gi-- Give -- Give me --
Give me the phone.

Carol is not
back on the market.

She took a new job
- and Chuck couldn't go with her.

Look, she's sitting
behind a desk.

How does that say
- she's living the single life?

Top button unbuttoned.

Open for business.

Hmm.

The Larabees
living in different states.

This could either bring them
together or rip them apart.

Finally, this neighborhood
is getting interesting.

Well,
I'm glad you're happy.

I lost
a good friend.

Oh, so go get a new one.
Oh, go on Facebook.

Your crowd has ruined it
for everybody else anyway.

You know, it's not that easy
for me to meet new people.

I always made friends
at mom's groups

or -- or at my work.

Well, what about
the Susan woman

you met
at the block party?

I believe
I saw some sparks

between you two crazy kids.
[ Sighs, chuckles ]

Yeah.

We had coffee
a couple times,

but then we went to a mall
and she stole a dress.

I mean,
it wasn't even her size.

[ Door closes ]

Hey, Vanessa.
- Hey.

Thanks for letting me
borrow the food processor

to make nut butter.

I brought you some...

from Whole Foods.

Turns out I stink
at making nut butter.

[ Chuckles ]

Whole Foods.
Mom, you should go there.

That place is crawling
with ladies your age

looking for
- natural hot-flash cures.

I'm going to stay alive
a long time

just so I can see you
get old.

You know, if you're looking
to meet new people,

I've met
some pretty cool ones

through the lending library
in my neighborhood.

By definition, there are no
cool people at libraries.

Hey, I've spent a lot of time
in libraries.

Well,
I stand corrected.

No, it's not
an actual library.

It's a little wooden hutch
on a post

that you put in your front yard
to attract readers. Mm. Yeah.

Eve: It's like a bird feeder
for nerds.

A nerd feeder.

I was worried about making
new friends in my neighborhood

until one day,
this guy walked by,

and he picked up
a copy

of Stephen Jay Gould's
"Punctuated Equilibrium."

And I was like,
"Hell, yeah, dude."

-- Captions by VITAC --

You took
all the coffee.

Why don't you just drink it
right out of the pot?

That would look silly.

[ Slurps ] Mmm.

This is how the French
drink coffee.

Yeah.
The French.

They're the ones
we should be banning.

Hey, there are the guys
I want to see.

Hey.
- Hi.

Mike: Hi, honey. Brought you lunch.
There you go.

Chuck: Oh, my goodness.
Hi, sweetie.

How are you?
- Good.

Bringing us lunch?
- Yeah.

We're not kids.
What do you got?!

Oh, hey.

Salad.
Want to trade?

[ Chuckles ]

Damn it!
I got a salad, too.

There's pudding, too...
- Ooh.

...but not until you have
three bites of your salad first.

Okay.

Well, thank you very much
for the lunch, Vanessa.

Well,
with Carol away,

I just want to make sure
you're eating well.

He's doing great.

I just saw him have,
what,

six doughnuts
and, what, a bowl of coffee?

No.

How are you
holding up, Chuck?

Are you okay?
You feeling all right?

Is everything okay?

How are you -- - I'm -- I'm fine.
I'm fine. I'm fine.

Okay.
- Carol's not dead.

I know.
- We're not getting a divorce.

She just moved to L.A.
for this job opportunity.

That's all.

He's doing
more than fine.

He's got
the house to himself.

He could eat lasagna
on the couch in his underwear.

Carol and I are used to
being apart.

I-I'm a Marine.

I've had to go out of town
over the years on business trips

or, as you civilians
call them, wars.

You know, Chuck,
- it's okay to miss your wife.

Leave him alone.
- Chuck doesn't have any feelings.

That's why
we get along.

We would be
even better friends

if you would trade puddings
with me.

I didn't make America safe
for butterscotch.

[ Scoffs ]

Love you.
Enjoy your lunch.

See you.

Why do they even make
butterscotch?

Let it go.

[ Duck whistle plays fanfare ]

Oh, great.
- Is it "wabbit" season again?

No, i-it's supposed to be
a trumpet.

And -- And the reason
there's a trumpet

is that this week
marks your 500th vlog.

And this is the party --
two guys and a duck call?

Well, I -- Don't you want
to know who the finalists are?

Finalists for what?

The "Meet Outdoor Man"
essay contest...

[ Duck whistle plays fanfare ]

...where the winner gets
to sit in on your 500th vlog.

I thought
I killed this idea.

No, no,
no, no, no.

Y-You said, "I'd --
I'd rather not do it,"

I said, "I'd rather you did,"
and here we are!

Kyle,
go ahead.

No, no,
no, no, no.

My vlogs are not
- some cheap promotional gimmick.

They're well-written and
enjoyed by millions of people.

I don't know
the exact number,

but I know
- it's more than Obama had.

As long as it sells the tents
and jerkies.

Kyle, you're on. Go ahead.
- [ Clears throat ]

Uh, "If more people
listened to Mike Baxter,

the whole world would be
a lot better off."

Hmm?
- I could meet him.

Or...
- Go ahead.

..."Mike Baxter doesn't just
sell fishing poles.

He sells
a way of life."

Or him.

All right.
[ Clears throat ]

"Is Mike Baxter Outdoor Man
or Superman?"

Well, they -- they all
make great points.

All right, you know?

You win.

You pick one,
and I'll meet him.

All right,
you heard the man.

Pick him.
He'll meet him.

Right, right, right.

All right, Kyle, play me out.
- Oh.

[ Clears throat ]

[ Duck whistle plays
whimsically ]

Hey.
All fixed.

You know, it does feel good
working on a house.

Now I know
- why Jimmy Carter does it.

It's a habitat
for the humanities.

[ Chuckles ]

So, how's the book swap
going?

Well, I have been getting
some traffic,

but no one has taken
any of my favorite books.

I was hoping there would be at least
one person in the neighborhood

with the same interests
as me.

Wow.

"Jane Eyre"?
[ Chuckles ]

I did a book report on this
in high school that was so good,

Mandy got an "A"
on it, too.

That's the first one
I put in there.

It's my favorite book.

I guess I shouldn't say that
in front of "Wuthering Heights."

Yeah, you also shouldn't say
that in front of other people.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, hey, Mom,

it looks like somebody
already borrowed this one.

There's --
There's a note inside.

"I, too,
love the sisters Bronte.

It's nice to find

a kindred spirit
in the neighborhood."

Hmm.

"What tale
- do you best like to hear?"

That's a quote
from "Jane Eyre."

This is so cute.

Y-You have to leave a note
for her.

No, I can't. I can't. I --
- Why not?

Mom, Mom, somewhere out there,
you have a friend.

No, I can't.
I can't.

I-I-I need new stationery

and -- and a fountain pen
and, uh, lavender spray.

Uh, no. Uh, no.
Tangerine.

No, first thought --
lavender.

Oh, God.
Trust yourself, Vanessa!

♪♪

Wow.

Whoever left these notes really
loves the Bronte sisters.

It's so sad to think
they're all dead now.

Wasn't Zsa Zsa
the last to go?

Yeah, I'm just so excited
that there's someone out there

that I can talk 19th-century
British literature with.

Ugh.

It's like finding a needle
in a really boring haystack.

Why haven't you
- gotten together with her?

I'm working on it.
- I-I don't want to rush it.

You know, in the 19th century,
people would correspond

for years
- before they would ever meet.

And then when the time came,
they were dead.

Every few days,
I'll send a new note

revealing a little bit more
about myself,

slowly inching us down the road
toward friendship.

Or I could smoke her out
by Wednesday.

You know, Eve's plan
doesn't sound so bad, Mom.

You've got to be wondering
who she is.

Oh, I know
who she is.

No, she's a professional woman,
elegant but friendly,

fashionable
but not trying too hard,

in her 50s, looks 40s,

but...a guy at the post office
once said 38.

Yeah.

When she was 38.

Mom, Mom, just --
- just let me handle this, okay?

I've got nets,
night-vision goggles...

and if she's a runner...

a dart gun.

My plan will work.

A good friendship
just takes time.

It also usually involves
knowing the person's name.

You think
people just run around

telling each other
their names?

Well,
I have seen it done.

I know
what I'm doing.

I know
how to make friends.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I need to send a series of notes

written in
19th-century script.

I knew that thing
- was gonna attract weirdos.

I just didn't think

it was gonna come
from our own house.

[ Knock on door ]
- Yeah?

Hey, the, uh,
- contest winner's here, Mr. B.

His name's
Wayne Sizemore.

Okay, cool.

Hey, Wayne.
Mike Baxter.

Nice to meet you.

You, too.
[ Chuckles ]

Your hands are as soft
as a liberal's foreign policy.

Well, except these hands
actually --

Actually work.

You used that line
in Vlog 304,

when you had a sale
on Dr. Brown's Camping Soap.

Well, I'm flattered.
You really know your vlogs.

No,
I know your vlogs.

[ Chuckles ]

I've memorized
- damn near all 500 of them.

Oh, is --
- Let's not touch that.

Hey, I recognize
this chair.

This is where
the magic happens.

Well, it's mostly
just common sense

spoken in
a magical way.

Take a seat.

If you have a phone,
I'll snap a picture of you.

Well, you know darn well
I don't have a phone,

Mike Baxter.

I got rid of that
after V-116.

In Vlog 116,
- I said something about phones?

You told us

the government
- was using our smartphones

to track
our every move.

You said Big Brother
was becoming our weird uncle.

I was just
trying to be funny.

No, sir.

That's another thing I love
about your vlogs.

They're not funny.

They're a little funny.

If I want comedy,
I'll watch CNN.

You said that in V-484,
because the media is a joke,

controlled by Castro,
who is still very much alive.

Wayne, I'm sure
I never said that.

There's the stuff you say
and the stuff you kind of say

and the stuff
you never say at all,

but...
I hear it anyway.

Oh, you're getting
my secret messages.

Bingo was his name-o.

Well, what else did I say
that I didn't say?

The only way to get
- the form of government you want

is to take action.

That sounds reasonable.

Which is why
- my group of patriots and I

are seceding
from the United States.

That does not.

We've got
500 acres of farmland

that will soon be called the
Free State of Northern Colorado.

Yeah.

Listen,
- totally random thought here.

Did they do
- any kind of background check

for the contest winners?

Hey. What's up?
- Hey, sweetie.

I'm just gonna check
the lending library,

see if there's a new letter
from my book buddy. - Oh, okay.

Well, just keep your hands off
Anne Bronte's "Agnes Grey."

Why?

"A," it's terrible,

and "B,"
I booby-trapped it.

Hey, look, look,
look, it's nothing.

It's just
a small charge

that will create
a small explosion

and cover a person
- in a small amount of blue dye.

Go out there right now
and diffuse that bomb.

I can't believe I'm using
that sentence with my daughter.

[ Explosion ]

[ Both gasp ]

Ohh.
Oh, that was big.

I should have done
a practice one.

I did two tours in Iraq
without getting hit by an IED,

and now this.

Not cool.

♪♪

♪♪

I'm really sorry,
Chuck.

Eve was just
so curious

about who was leaving me
all those notes.

So she put a bomb

in a tiny
neighborhood library.

Makes perfect sense.

Great kid.

It really was you
all this time?

I mean,
- why didn't you just tell me?

My taste
- for English romance novels

is something
I prefer to keep secret.

I stopped talking about it
when I was a Marine

and a copy
of "Wuthering Heights"

fell out of my bunk.

[ Chuckles ]

They give you
a hard time?

The Marines?

No, no.

They just shouted,
"Reader,"

and beat me senseless
with a pillowcase full of books.

How'd you ever get into
Victorian literature?

They made us read it
in high school,

around the time I was,
uh, [Chuckles] getting dumped.

And the Brontes
showed me

I could be a lonely,
mysterious Healthcliff

instead of a
- "home alone Friday night" Chuck.

I spent a lot
- of Friday nights alone, too.

Ah.

That's a lie.

I was very popular.
[ Chuckles ]

Well, you know, I-I could
forgive Eve for the shirt

if I -- if I could have
one of those scones.

Are they, uh, currant?
[current]

Yeah,
I just made them today.

[ Laughs ]

I see what you did there.
That was good.

Hey, Wayne,
don't touch anything.

You know that's --
that's how they get you.

Guys, I'm sorry,
but that man is crazy.

He's crazy about you,
Mikey.

Believe me.

I get it.

No, I mean "basement
full of doll parts" crazy.

That's what you get for pushing
so hard for this contest.

I don't understand.

He had
such a nice smile.

He does have a nice smile,
Mikey --

all teeth, no gums,
very photogenic.

Well,
a lot of crazy people

have nice smiles
and those big eyes,

with the spinning disks,
which is the last thing you see.

Okay, you got to get
back in there, Mikey. Come on.

Kyle, let him use your duck whistle
in case everything goes south.

Nah, nah.

Hey, Wayne.
Hey.

Oh, you have - a beautiful family, Mike.
- What?

Oh, that's not my family.
That picture came in the frame.

Yeah.

My family's
- scattered all over the world.

I don't even know
where they are.

Well, do you want me
to hunt them down for you?

That's a very kind offer,

but no, I don't want you
to hunt them down for me.

[ Laughs ]

So, when are we gonna do
this vlog?

The Free State
- could use some new recruits.

Listen, listen, listen, listen,
Wayne, about the vlog --

I know I complain
- about the government a lot.

I really do.

But, you know,
I pay my taxes.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

I-I mean,
I'm a conservative guy,

and -- and I --
I love the government.

I support
the system here.

I am
with you 100%, Mike.

Right. Uh-huh.

Oh, I support the system, too,
pay my taxes.

No, Wayne,
we're not bugged.

And listen, I don't think I am
who you think I am.

My vlogs do not contain
any secret messages.

And you know
what else?

They are funny.

Eh.

Eh.

Listen...

I don't think
we should do the vlog.

You know what else?
I got a better idea.

I say
- we go down to the store.

You can pick out
- whatever you want except a gun.

Now, Mike, you wouldn't be
trying to cheat me out of

my duly won prize,
now, would you?

You know,
a few years back,

a -- a guy named Jim Dunsmore
tried that.

Ever hear of him?

No, Wayne,
of course not.

And never will.

Nobody can prove nothing.

[ Chuckles nervously ]

All right.

Congratulations, Wayne.

You passed the test.

Wh-What test?

Put 'er there.

I had to know
- that you're the real deal.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, we're gonna --
we're gonna do that vlog.

It'll seem like
a normal one, right,

except for you, me,
and the others -- we'll know.

I knew
there were others!

We'll all know.

It's about
- supporting the national parks,

but, uh, you probably know
what that -- that really means.

Mind-control chemicals
in the drinking water?

Bingo was his name-o.

♪♪

Here's one of my favorite
Bronte quotes, okay?

"Life is so constructed
that the event does not,

cannot, will not
match the expectation."

[ Sighs ]

I freakin' love
that one.

Yeah, you do!

Yeah. Yeah.

All right, all right,
here's my favorite.

"I wish I were a girl again,
half-savage and hardy and free."

Yeah, I don't quote
that one.

Yeah.

I think these books
can be a great outlet,

especially when you're going
through a rough patch, you know,

kind of like the one

you're going through
right now with Carol.

This isn't
a rough patch.

She's only gone
a year.

Don't be closed
like Mr. Rochester.

Be open like Jane.

Wh--
- You're angry.

I'm really not.

Yes, you are.
You're -- You're furious.

You've never been this mad
in your life.

I'm starting to get

a little irritated
at you right now.

Chuck, wait. Come on.
Come on. Hey, Chuck.

Hey, y-you just can't say it,
can you --

because you think that'll make
you look like a horrible person?

Vanessa,
is it possible

that you're a little mad
at Carol for going away?

No.
No, no, no, no.

Yes.
- Yes!

Does that make me
a horrible person?

No.
She's your friend.

[ Sighs ]

Yeah, and I should be happy
for her.

It's okay.

You're not really
mad at her.

You just...

miss her.

I miss her, too.

Listen, if you want to
get together every now and then

and talk Brontes,
we can...

for a small amount
of that time...

talk about
your feelings.

Thank you.

Yeah.
- Thanks. Thanks.

You know, Chuck...

you were supposed to be
a lovely career woman like me.

"Life is so constructed
that the event does not,

will not, cannot
match the expectation."

[ Door closes ]

Freakin' love that one.

Hey. Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man

with the winner of
- the 500th vlog contest, Wayne --

Don't use my name.

...here with a few words
about our national parks.

So listen carefully...

especially to the words
he's not saying.

Our national parks
are national treasures.

They're home
to majestic mountains,

breathtaking waterfalls --

Filled with fluoride
pumped in by the government.

Have you ever seen
a beaver's teeth?

Beautiful, clean,
no cavities, great smile.

And contrary to popular belief,
hunting is allowed

in many national parks
for population control.

Speaking of
population control,

why does the government put
"sriracha sauce" on everything?

So, in quick closing...

visit your parks,
and that's our 500th

and [Chuckles] quite possibly
our final vlog.