All language subtitles for maude_s06e08_the_ecologist

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider. She
didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc was the lord to guide her.
She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't
you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

And the country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's
Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud.
That uncompromising, enterprising,

but tranquilizing. Right on, Maud.

Ah.

Hey, let's see.

Rock Cornish Hen.

Chicken breasts and thighs.

Turkey legs and claws.

Turkey legs and slaw.

Too bad.

I was in a mood for a claw tonight.

Hi, Walter.

Hey, Martha.

Hi. Hi, old buddy. Is Maude home? We
thought we'd all play a little bridge

dinner. Oh, don't count on it. I don't
even think Maude's coming home to

I told Arthur she'd probably be late.
She still had an awful lot of work to do

this afternoon when I left her with
Perry Flannery. Yeah. Well, that ecology

project is very complicated, you know.
It's not easy getting rid of tons of

garbage. Mother Wiggin found a way. She
freezes it.

You mean Marge leaving you home alone
again tonight with a TV dinner?

Ooh, turkey legs and claws.

I love that.

This must be the fifth night in a row.

That's terrible.

I mean, I can't stand the thought of my
best friend eating all by himself.

You come over to our house, Walter. I'm
going to buy you dinner.

Okay? Okay. Oh, good. But remember,
Arthur, we're eating out at that new

French restaurant tonight.

Oh.

Walter, get on that phone and get your
wife back here in the kitchen.

She spent enough time with that ecology
clown.

Arthur Perry Flannery is not a clown. He
was sent here all the way from

Washington by the United States
government, of which Jimmy Carter is the

president. Now, there's a clown.

I want my wife. I'm going to call her.
What's that for? Now, Walter, you're

being selfish.

Maude and Perry are doing very important
work. They're cleaning up the Hudson

River. Oh, who cares about the Hudson
River?

Walter, shame on you. Harry Flannery
told me that one gallon of water from

Hudson River would kill two white mice.
Well, they shouldn't go swimming in the

deep end.

It's not a joke.

Harry knows what he's talking about.
He's an expert.

Well, so far he's just an expert on
working late with my wife.

Walter Finley, you're just jealous
because Harry's young and attractive.

Libby, and you've known me for a long
time. Do you think I'm a jealous man?

Yes.

Arthur, you've been my friend for over
30 years. Do you think I'm a jealous

Yes.

You see?

Everybody knows I'm a jealous man. Why
is Maude putting me through this?

Walter, if you're this upset, call
Flannery's office. Tell Maude to come

If Flannery had an office, I wouldn't be
this upset. He works out of a motel

room.

A motel room?

You mean your wife is in a motel room
with a man and a bed?

And magic fingers.

making this whole thing sound risque.

You don't have to worry about Maude.
I've spent a lot of time alone with

He's a perfect gentleman.

Vivian, a married woman should not be
alone in a room with a man in a bed.

Arthur. Unless she's a nurse.

And he's in traction.

Arthur.

And the door's open.

Arthur. And they're expecting a priest
at any moment.

Arthur.

Hello, everybody.

Oh, my.

Maude. Where have you been?

Oh, I stopped to have a drink with
Perry.

Look what he gave me. He said that even
though I'm working on pollution, I

always come up smelling like a rose.
Isn't that sweet?

Perry Flannery. Perry Flannery. I'm sick
of Perry Flannery! I never want to hear

the name Perry Flannery again!

Isn't this a small, polluted world?

We were just talking about you. Oh, good
things, I hope. Don't you wish.

Oh, by the way, Viv, here's that quarter
you lent me for the magic fingers

machine.

You loaned him a quarter for magic
fingers? Walter, honey, I'm sorry I'm so

late, but Perry had to check out of his
motel. You checked out of your motel?

Right.

The airport. No, wait, Walter. Perry
isn't going to the airport. He's moving

with us.

I offered him the apartment over the
garage.

That is if it's no inconvenience for
you, Walter. Oh, no inconvenience at

Walter just loves people.

He talks to them all the time.

Viv, can you lend me a couple extra
pillowcases?

Oh, sure.

Maude, that reminds me of this morning
when the maid gave me the change of

pillowcases.

Look on her face. When she saw us typing
in the shower.

You see, Perry's desk was so cluttered.

Well, you had to be there.

Walter, why don't you take Perry's bag
up to the apartment and then we can all

have dinner together.

Go out through the back door. Take a
right at the garbage.

Walter. Help him. If we're having guests
for dinner, I gotta defrost some more

turkey claws.

That's okay. That's okay. I'll find it.
No, Perry, I'll show you. No, I'll show

him, Mark.

You better follow them. Keep an eye on
them, Walter.

Don't be ridiculous.

Perry, Vivian will show you, and I'll be
up in a minute with some bedding.

Thanks a lot, Mark.

What is he doing here?

Sit down, Walter.

I want to tell you a little story that
may help you in dealing with the

situation.

ever after.

No, actually, Walter, it was my idea. I
mean, I figured it's ridiculous for

Perry to be spending $30 a day at that
motel, especially when we have the empty

apartment over the garage.

So I helped him pack and he checked out.

You helped him pack?

Yes. Did you pack his underwear?

Walter. You handled another man's
shorts?

Walter, what is wrong with you?
Everybody knows what's wrong with me.

My daughter's so jealous. And Perry's
such a gentleman.

Vivian, sit down.

Let me explain something. You see,
Vivian, there are certain situations

young man falls for the sensual maturity
of a ravishing older woman.

What's that got to do with you and
Perry?

in over your head.

Vivian, can you keep a secret?

Vivian, Perry did not give me that rose
because he admires my intellect.

I think he has the hots for me.

Oh, no!

Oh, I won't read the word to anyone.

Well, you can tell two, maybe three
girls at the club.

Are you sure, Ma?

Vivian, come in out of the rain.

I mean, Vivian, don't you see? It's
perfectly understandable that a young

and an older woman would be a perfect
match because, well, it's common

that a woman's sensuality...

continues to thrive and to grow as we
get older, while men poop out early.

Yeah, I know about that.

With Arthur, it's usually around 9 .30.

Yeah, Vivian, Vivian, you don't know how
lucky you are. You're not at all like

me. You're simple and sweet, while I, on
the other hand, no matter how I fight

it, I inflame passion in younger men.

You know, I always have to be terribly
careful what I wear when I go to the

supermarket so I don't turn on the box
boys.

Gosh, that must be a terrible burden for
you, Mark. You have no idea how awesome

that burden is.

But I can handle it.

Vivian, why don't you run on home and
get me those pillowcases? Oh, yeah,

Mark. Boy, I hope I never inflame
passion in a younger man. I don't think

could handle it.

Vivian, you don't have to worry.

Nature has a way of protecting the
bland.

That makes me feel a lot safer.

Mort.

I want to apologize.

I didn't mean to blow up like that.

It's just that I'm a little insecure.

Harry is so young, so good -looking, and
so virile.

Walter, Walter, there's only one man in
this world I love.

You.

Now, honey, if you'll excuse me, I
really have to fix up Perry's room. And

listen, Walter, if you were smart, you
would not stand around here and mope.

would go out to an oyster bar.

Perry? Come in.

I thought I'd make up your bed for you.
Oh, thanks, Mark. What's all that?

There's just some things I need to wash
there. Laundromat nearby?

Oh, don't be silly. I'll be glad to do
it for you. Really, Maude, I don't think

you should. I mean, I'm beginning to
think maybe it was a mistake to move in

here. Why?

Well, your husband doesn't seem too
thrilled about our spending so much time

together. Don't mind Walter. He's just
being silly. He'll probably have

forgotten the whole thing by tomorrow.

Well, Maude, I can't blame Walter.

I am occasionally attracted to an older
woman. I sometimes find them...

Sensual?

Ravishing? Right.

Well, that's true. I mean, just because
there's snow on the roof doesn't mean

that there isn't a fire in the furnace.

Seriously, though, Maude, don't you
think maybe I'd better move back to the

motel? Oh, nonsense. You'll be much more
comfortable here.

Although, I hope I'm not speaking too
soon.

As I remember, this bed isn't all that
comfortable.

Oh, sure, it'll be fine.

Ah, see, it's very comfortable.

Are you sure, Perry?

Yeah, see for yourself.

Yeah,

it's fine. Yeah.

Do you believe we're testing a new ride
for Disneyland?

Actually... Actually, we were just
testing the mattress.

I mean, we wanted to see if it was as
comfortable as the one in the motel.

I mean... Actually, I came

up to say I was sorry.

Oh, Walter.

That's sweet.

Perry, I'm really sorry you moved in
here.

You little cut -up.

Anything for a laugh.

Oh, uh, thanks for the pillowcases.
Honey, would you mind making up the bed?

sure, Ma. Come along. I want to tell you
a little story.

Boo! Boo!

I don't think Walter's too happy about
my moving in here.

He's a little jealous. I think he's
silly.

He's not all that silly. As I just said
to Maude, there's no reason a younger

man can't be attracted to a sensual,
ravishing, mature woman.

I know, but you didn't move in here just
to be close to Maude, now did you?

No. You moved in here to save $30 a day,
didn't you? No.

No? Vivian, would you like to know why I
moved in here?

What?

Just call it southern hospitality.

What are you talking about? You're not
from the south.

No, but his shorts are.

See, Beauregard Mills, Ashcroft,
Georgia.

That's Carter country.

I don't think that's funny, Maud. You
know why?

Because I think you're really attractive
to this guy.

Walter, you're being ridiculous.

Be honest, Maud.

If he were a balding, paunchy, middle
-aged guy, would you invite him to live

here? Why should I? I already have one
of those.

You are turned on!

All right, all right, I admit it, I am
turned on.

But not by Perry Flannery. I'm turned on
by the fact that Perry Flannery is

turned on by me.

Walter, I'm flattered.

I mean, in all of Tuckahoe, how many
women are in that position? I'm probably

the only one. Walter, you should be
proud of me.

I'm proud of my country!

I'm proud of my flag!

Fool me crazy, but I'm certainly not
proud that a younger man is after my

If you can be proud of your war record,
you can be proud of me.

Walter, nothing's going to happen. Oh,
honey, at least allow me my little

fantasy.

It's just a fantasy? Just a fantasy.

Well, if that's all it is, then there's
no problem.

But remember, Maud, fantasies are for
kids. They're foolish.

It's only for people of our age to have
fantasies. Say, Walter, you want to

watch Wonder Woman?

Wonder Woman?

Hey, dynamite! You just said that
fantasies are foolish. Now you're

over yourself because Arthur mentioned
Wonder Woman.

Where's Vivian? No, she's helping me fix
up Perry's room.

You better watch it, Arthur.

The next thing you know, Perry will be
after Vivian. Oh, come on, Walter.

Can you imagine any woman cheating on
me?

Easily.

Walter, don't start making Arthur
jealous. He has nothing to worry about.

mean, we're talking about Vivian, the
sweetest, kindest, most generous, bland

person we know.

in their yard.

I guess I really am a lucky guy.

My little cupcake never gives me any
cause to worry about another man.

Why?

Come on, Arthur. We still have time to
see the tail end of Wonder Woman.

Maude.

Maude.

About Perry.

Yes, Vivian?

Well, there's something I should tell
you because...

You are my dearest friend, but I don't
want to tell you because if I tell you,

then you'll know that it was your
dearest friend who told you, and I'm

tell you anyway because you'll hit me.

There is always that risk, Vivian.

Sit down, Lord.

What is it, dear?

Well, I just found out something very
interesting about myself.

I'm not bland.

What are you saying, Vivian?

Maude, the one Perry is turned on by is
me.

Do you?

Yeah.

Why are we laughing?

It's ridiculous.

He kissed me, Maude, twice.

On the mouth.

That's shocking. I know.

sexual fantasies.

It's not a fantasy. Well, of course it
is.

I guess I know a sexual fantasy when I
see one.

There's usually a jockey in it.

Vivian, what are you trying to tell me?
That Perry came right out and said,

Vivian, I want to have an affair with
you?

No, he was much more direct.

It was just one word.

I can see the handwriting on the wall.
Then you know the word.

Vivian, poor, sweet Vivian. You really
believe this, don't you?

It's true.

He even bit me on the ear.

Oh, come on, Vivian. You bit yourself on
the ear.

be upset with me because I'm the one who
turns Perry on?

After all, you still have your box boys.

Pimply -faced little brats!

You are upset. I knew you were going to
be upset. I just knew it.

Well, that's the way it is. That's the
way it is.

To each his own.

I mean, that's life.

But I'm certainly not upset about this.
And if I were you, Vivian, I wouldn't be

upset either.

Oh, I'm not now.

After all, I guess any woman would be
flattered if a young man like Perry

her attractive.

Not if she's a hard -bitten realist like
me, Vivian.

Only if she's a woman with her head in
the clouds like you.

You cloud head.

Where are you going?

To have a little chat with Casanova. Are
you going to tell him that I told you

about how he wants to, you know,
defoliate me?

Vivian, you mean deflower you.

Which is better.

You'll never know.

Harry, may I come in? Sure, Ma.

I was just typing up the final draft of
our report.

There's some harsh realities in here
that the people of Tuckahoe are just

to have to face.

Yes, there are certain harsh realities
that all of us are going to have to

Vivian told me what happened up here.

Maude!

Is it really so terrible? Well, of
course it's terrible. It is inexcusable.

Inexcusable? That's right. How dare you
use Vivian to get to me?

It's the oldest trick in the book.

Making a play for the best friend to get
the one you want. Is that what I was

doing? Well, of course.

Wasn't it?

Right. Right.

I mean, I knew it couldn't be Vivian.

Well, I should have known I couldn't
fool you. You hit it right on the head.

It was so obvious. Oh, Perry, why? How
could you do this to a poor, sick,

frustrated old woman?

I didn't mean to hurt you, Maude. Not
me!

I meant Vivian.

I mean, why did you do it this way,
Perry? Why couldn't you have been man

to just come right out and tell me how
you feel about me?

Well, to tell the truth, Maude, for my
personal taste, you're the kind of a

woman who's a little too...
unattainable.

Right.

I mean, I knew you were happy with
Walter, and I didn't want to disturb

anything. I don't think Vivian gets what
she needs from Arthur.

But yours seems like an ideal marriage.

Well, it's nothing to write home about.

What are you talking about? Of course I
have a wonderful marriage.

I knew that.

Perry.

Perry, I want to thank you for being
honest enough to admit.

that I was the one you wanted to have
the affair with.

You're welcome.

Now get out.

What? You heard me. Get out. Why?

Perry, Perry, you're a lovely fantasy.

But fantasies are for kids.

Okay.

I, uh, I guess it's better for both of
us.

I'll just pack up my things. No, forget
your things. I'll have your bag sent

over to the motel. I'll pack it myself.

You...

Get a kick out of that, don't you?

Is

everything

all right? Did you straighten everything
out with Perry?

Perry's walked out of our lives.

Oh, it's funny.

One day he's here and...

Very involved with us, and the next day
he's gone.

He's like William Holden in that movie,
Picnic.

Oh, I love that.

The handsome young man who came to a
small town and touched two hearts.

One, a beautiful young girl played by
Kim Novak, and the other, a love

-starved spinster played by Rosalind
Russell.

You're right, Maude.

It's just like that.

And I guess we're good enough friends to
know which one of us is Kim Novak and

which one of us is Rod Russell.

Of course we know who's Kim Novak and
who's Rosalind Russell.

VOD was recorded on videotape before a
studio audience.