All language subtitles for maude_s06e01_maude_s_guilt_trip

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world
looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her.
She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't
you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sold up.

And then there's Maude. And then there's
Maude. And then there's Maude. And then

there's Maude. And then there's Maude.
And then there's Maude. That

uncompromising, enterprising, anything
but tranquilizing. No, no, Maude.

Morning, Marty. Hi, Maude. Wait till you
see me. I'll be with you in just a

second. Oh. My Aunt Tinky is calling me
from the airport in Schenectady.

She is flying down here to spend a week
with us.

Your aunt, Tinky? She is a terrible old
woman, just awful. Nobody can stand her.

She's the only person in Schenectady who
was ever thrown out of a Tupperware

party.

Tinky, how are you?

Tinky, why are you phoning me? I mean,
why aren't you on the plane?

Oh, they're just boarding.

Of course they will let you go to the
bathroom on the plane.

Airplanes are perfectly safe. I demand
that you get on board.

Tinky? Tinky?

Operator, all I can hear is static.

Right. She'll call me back.

Why doesn't your aunt want to get on the
plane?

Tinky is deathly afraid of flying.

Why doesn't she take a Greyhound bus?

She's even more afraid of live chickens
and picnic baskets.

You know, Mott, I don't think you ever
told me you had an aunt named Tinky.

Not that I blame you.

Well, she's really not my aunt. She's
just this terrible old friend of my

mother's. You know the type. I always
had to kiss her goodbye, but she never

left.

If you don't like her, then why did you
invite her down here?

Guilt. Guilt! Guilt! I really should
have my head examined.

Do you know, the last time she called
me, she said, Oh, what do you care about

poor old woman when you're having so
much fun with your rich friends?

Oh, aren't you exaggerating just a
little? Vivian, I swear to you, her tea

kettle doesn't whistle.

It whines.

Oh, enough about you. What are all
these? Oh, well, we just ran over to

where we're going on our trip.

We don't have very much time. We still
have a lot of packing to do, but we want

you to see these brochures.

Oh.

Oh,

how I envy you two going off to a
romantic island paradise.

Oh, I'd give anything in the world to
get away for a few days, but...

Walter says we can't afford it. It's so
expensive.

Boy, I'll say. Our hotel room costs
practically 100 smackaroos a day.

Oh, that's so much money.

Yes, that's why Arthur says thank
heavens for those Medicare patients.

Vivian.

He says just give him 20 of those sick
old people and it's around the world in

80 days.

got to go home and pack.

All right, Arthur.

Twenty of those sick old people.

I don't want you to get the idea that I
profit here from Medicare more.

I mean, I only take what the government
gives me.

That's right.

It's not his fault it happens to be a
fortune. Vivian!

Yes, operator, put it through.

Ah, Tinky, I did not hang up on you.

I am sorry about that.

Now, I'm sorry.

I am sorry about that.

That's right, static.

You...

Aunt Tinky, you should not have done
that. I told you, plane travel is

safe. I'm really... Tinky?

Tinky? Tinky?

Operator, we were cut off, and I just
want to say thank you.

Okay, Mort, I'm off to the airport to
pick up your Aunt Tinky. No, that was

Tinky on the phone just now.

You know what that terrible woman did?

She put a dollar in one of those
machines and bought a $50 ,000 flight

policy naming me beneficiary.

Why would she do that? Oh, to make me
feel guilty, Walter.

She said, if anything terrible happens,
don't blame yourself for killing me, Ma.

Just enjoy the blood money.

Guilt, guilt.

What? What for?

Oh, these are Arthur and Viv's travel
brochures.

Oh, Walter, I envy them. You know we
haven't been on a vacation in ages.

tight, Maude. I know, but, honey, after
Aunt Tinky leaves, couldn't we go away

somewhere just the two of us, just for a
couple of days?

A couple of days.

Well, why not? Where do you want to go?
Oh, honey, I could go anywhere just to

get out of the house. Where? As long as
it doesn't cost too much. Sweetie, I

don't care if we go a block away.

Come on, Maude, where would you like to
go?

Rome.

Rome. Rome where the Pope lives?

Honey, we don't have to see him if we
don't want to.

Mort, are you crazy?

I'm sorry.

You should have married a travel agent.

I think I did once.

Mort, I better get to the airport now.
What airline is she coming in on?

American? United?

Allegheny? Scooby -Doo.

Scooby -Doo Airlines. It's one of
those...

One of those low -cost commuter
operations.

But, Walter, we saved eight dollars.

Scooby -doo.

Tinky won't mind. She's spending the
whole trip in the toilet.

Okay.

You know, I don't even know what your
Aunt Tinky looks like. How will I

recognize her? Oh, that's very easy.
Just...

Look for a woman with a terribly pained
expression on her face who looks as

though she feels life is not worth
living, not even for another minute.

And that will be Tinky? No, that'll be
the person who sat next to her on the

couch.

She'll point her out to you.

Tinky's not here yet?

No, I guess her plane was delayed.

I'm fixing lunch for her.

She never wants lunch, does she?

Oh, that is not quite true.

She never wants lunch when you have it
ready for her. But if you have not

prepared anything, then she says, where
is my lunch? I'm famished.

So this time I'm playing it safe. I'm
making her lunch, but I'm using chicken

was going to throw out anyway.

Poor Tinky.

Poor Tinky?

Well, Mother, you have to admit she is
sort of a sad case.

You know, Carol, I've always suspected
that you like Tinky, don't you?

That's silly.

Admit it, admit it, you like Tinky. And
you know why? Because when you were

little, she used to make you those
molasses cookies.

I hated those damn molasses cookies.

Besides, she also used to tell me if I
had sex before marriage, I'd go bald.

I remember when you were in high school,
you were always pleading with me to

take you shopping for turbans.

So what makes you think I like her? Oh,
because you've always been more

forgiving of people than I. It's one of
your weak points. Oh, admit it, Carol.

You love Tinky. Mother, I do not love
Tinky. Admit it. I want you to say, I

Tinky. I love Tinky. I do not love
Tinky. I hate her as much as you do.

You're a good daughter, Carol.

Maude. Maude.

I just heard it on the radio.

Heard what?

A plane coming from Schenectady.

He crashed.

No. What airline?

Oh, I don't think I heard it right. It
sounded like Scooby -Doo.

I think he... Oh, no. Oh, my God.

Were there any survivors?

Well, they're not sure. They can't even
get to the plane. But, Maude, it doesn't

look very good. It crashed in a
mountainous area.

Oh.

Oh, poor...

Sweet dear Tinky.

Come on.

She always used to make me molasses
cookies.

I'd say a prayer, but there are no
prayers and no

words to describe.

how one feels at a time like this.

Maude.

Yes, Viv?

Why don't we all hold hands and sing
feelings?

Go on vacation.

I guess I'd better call Walter at the
airport. He probably hasn't heard about

this. Maybe he can get us some more
information on the crash.

Oh, Bo.

Mort. Oh, Walter.

any strange twist.

We are mere mortals.

We don't have any control over what the
fates decree.

What I'm trying to say, Mort, is Tinky
is not with me.

I know.

But thank you for trying to break it to
me so gently.

Break what to you?

That Tinky is dead.

You knew?

Viv told me.

I wanted to tell her.

I'm sorry.

Big mouth.

I heard it first.

She's my wife. I should have told her.
Well, she's my best friend, and I have

some rights, too, you know. Boy, you
spoiled everything, Vivian. Will you two

stop it?

A woman is dead. How can you stand there
and bicker over who's going to tell

mother?

You're right, Carol. I'm sorry.

I guess I could tell Aunt Rhonda up in
Boston.

I want to tell Aunt Rhonda.

At least I can tell Arthur.

I already told him.

Nobody left for me to tell!

Maud,

what is it?

Oh, Walter.

Walter, I was the one who forced Tinky
to get on that plane.

Maud, it's not your fault.

Walter. Walter, if it hadn't been for
me, Tinky would be alive right now.

I killed her.

Don't say things like that. It's an act
of God.

It's ironic.

Tinky takes out a $50 ,000 insurance
policy just to make Maud feel guilty,

then the plane actually crashes.

Oh, the guilt. The guilt. Oh, the guilt.

You're going to get $50 ,000, man.

Walter, who cares? I killed her. I...

And nothing, nothing can take away this
awful, horrible guilt that is eating

away at my insides. Nothing, nothing can
take my mind off that.

There must be something.

Maybe a trip to Rome would do that.

God, I swear I didn't mean that about
Rome. I swear it, I swear it. Walter,

out my tongue. What? Pull out my tongue.

Of course you didn't mean it. It's just
a shock. Of course, Maude. It's

perfectly understandable.

Thanks, Viv. I mean, it's not every day
you're responsible for someone's death.

Oh,

you're right. You're right.

I suppose we should try to get some more
information on the crash.

I'll go call Arthur. He has a friend who
works for the Associated Press.

I'll throw Tinky's lunch away for you,
Mother.

She'd like that.

Thank you, Carol.

Oh, Walter. Walter, I cannot believe
that plane actually crashed. I cannot

believe it.

Maude, you can't let this get the best
of you. Walter, I am not to be forgiven.

I mean, Tinky meets a horrible fate, and
the next thing you know, I'm talking

about taking my husband and going off to
Rome on her insurance money.

Walter, how can you be so insensitive?

Don't say things like that. I'm thinking
of you.

I happen to be a very tender, caring,
sensitive human being.

I'm as upset about Tinky as you are.

Should I tell Arthur anything else
before he calls the Associated Press?

See if you can get a score on the Jets
game.

I'm sensitive, but life has to go on.

I think I'll get something to eat.

I'm just going to let us know the minute
he finds out anything.

Thanks, Peter.

Mother, I'll go upstairs and call Aunt
Rhonda about Tinky. Never mind, honey.

I'll call Rhonda myself later.

Oh, no, Mother. I insist.

Do you have enough to do? All right, but
don't you dare tell anybody else.

Oh, all right.

Maude.

What I've been thinking about Tinky...
Let's go to Rome!

That just strikes me as so unfeeling.
What do you think, Carol?

Well, I don't see what difference it'd
make.

What about you, Viv?

I think Tinky would have wanted it that
way.

No, she wouldn't.

Who cares what she thinks? We paid for
the plane ticket.

Ronda before some blabbermouth gets
there first.

On life's highways, there are many
strange twists.

Think about it, Maud.

Rome.

And our travel agent could arrange
things very quickly, Maud. He's

Oh, Walter, Walter, don't you
understand? I have as much guilt as I

handle. I mean, if we were to go away on
a luxury trip to Rome on Tinky's

insurance money, I could never forgive
myself.

Maybe the Pope could forgive you.

Ask him.

The worst he could say is no.

Walter, you know what we could do?

We could go to Rome.

But it won't be a vacation.

I mean, that would be so ugly.

We could... We could make it a sort
of... a pilgrimage in Tinky's honor.

Was she Catholic?

What the hell's the difference? That's a
marvelous idea.

When should we go? As soon as we can.

Now, wait a minute. Tinky didn't have
any relatives, so we'll have to make the

funeral arrangements. Do you know that
we could have her up in Schenectady,

buried by Tuesday, be back here
Wednesday, and then leave for Rome? Why

bury her right here in Tuckahoe? It's
closer to JFK International.

That would work, too.

Foster, please. Maude, come here and
talk to my travel agent. He'll arrange

everything. Mr. Foster. Oh, this is so
exciting.

Mr. Foster and Maude Findlay.

I'm a friend of Vivian Harmon's.

Yes, my husband and I are planning a
holy pilgrimage to Rome.

Yes, and coming... Honey, how long are
we going to stay?

A week.

My husband will be coming home after a
week, but I'll be there three weeks to a

month.

Yes, and we'd like to stay at a little
place I've read about, the Villa

Mortadella. Yes, we'd like it sweet.

Money is no object.

Yes, it is a pilgrimage, but we're not
fanatics.

Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you very
much.

He's going to arrange everything.

What? I can go to Gucci.

And I can go to Pucci.

And you can go to Gucci and I can go to
Pucci.

Pucci, Pucci, Pucci, Pucci.

Ma,

do you know what else might be nice? You
could light a candle for Aunt Tinky at

St. Peter's.

Ah, Viv, that's a marvelous idea.

And if we can find the time, we'll do
that.

Walter, listen.

Listen.

I just talked to my friend Bill Hickey
at the Associated Press.

Rescueers can't get near that plane
because of the weather up there, but

have spotted a lone survivor wandering
through the woods.

You lied!

Lord, you don't know that it's stinky.
Shut up, Walter. Of course it's stinky.

Pull this just to ruin our pilgrimage.

Maude, that poor old woman could be
struggling for her life up on that

Of course. That shows how selfish she
is. Oh.

Oh, my God. What am I saying? What am I
doing?

Oh, am I some kind of animal?

Oh, Arthur, you must... You must think
I'm an awful person.

Yes, Marty, I'm afraid that I do.

Arthur, you mean you knew they were
going to Rome on Tinky's insurance

No, I didn't know that. I just think
Marta's an awful person.

This time, Arthur, I'm afraid you're
right.

But thank God there is at least a chance
that Tinky may still be alive. I don't

want to get your hopes up too high,
Marty.

Chances are not very good that that old
lady could survive that crash.

Walter, my mind is made up.

If we do go to Rome, God forbid,

We're going to go with the proper
respect.

We are going to make it a real
pilgrimage for Tinky.

We will light a candle for her as soon
as we get there, and there will be no

Gucci and no Pucci. That makes sense to
me. And we'll get a very small suite at

the Mortadella. We don't even have to
stay there. I'm not giving it up. Okay.

Of course, if our prayers are answered,
we won't be able to go at all because

Tinky will still be alive.

Let's hope so.

That's probably Bill Hickey. I told him
to call me here.

Dr. Arthur Harmon here.

Oh, Bill.

Yeah, what have you got?

Oh, I see.

Well, thanks for all your help, Bill.

Yeah, I'll tell him.

That was Bill Hickey, all right.

They've identified the lone survivor.

It's the pilot.

The pilot, Ward! It's the pilot!

I'm sad about Aunt Tinky. I'm just happy
for the pilot.

Well,

at last.

All our desperate hours of waiting are
over.

Listen, Lamb Chop, we better be going.
We have a lot of packing to do before

trip. Oh, all right, all right. Goodbye,
Maude. I'm just so sorry for all your

troubles. Vivian, Vivian, thank you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you for your support and your
sympathy in my moment of grief. Yes,

Thank you.

Thank you, Vivian.

Thank you.

Thank you. La, la, la, la, la, la, la.

I'd better call my mother and break the
news about Tinker.

She'll probably come as a big blow to
her.

Maude, why don't I tell your mother?

Walter, what is this morbid thing you
have about telling bad news? I'll tell

her, and that's that.

But I didn't get to tell anybody.

That's tough. She is my mother, and I
get to tell her.

Mother?

Maude.

Mother, on life's highway...

There are many strange... What do you
mean you know about Tinky? Who told you?

Aunt Rhonda.

Well, then I'll have to call Cousin
Daryl. Let me have Cousin Daryl.

You can have Philip.

What good is Philip? He won't even be
upset.

It's the best I can do.

Listen, I have an idea. Why don't we
make a list of all our relatives and

we'll divide it up fairly and squarely
and decide who shall tell whom about

Tinky.

Lord Finley, that was the worst trip I
ever had.

Aunt Tinky.

Aunt Tinky, we thought... I know, I
know. You thought I missed my plane. I

didn't miss it. I just refused to get on
it.

I would have been the only passenger, so
I took the bus.

Oh, Aunt Tinky, you took the bus.

Watch your dress. A chicken got sick on
my sleeve.

Did you make me some lunch? I hope so.
I'm fat.

Ah, Tinky, this is my husband, Walter.

I expected you to be better looking.

Don't you have an air purifier? I'm
allergic to dust.

Well, maybe you can rent one while I'm
here. And it wouldn't hurt to clean up

this house a little.

Excuse me, Lord.

That was the travel agency.

We're confirmed that the villain wanted
Della in Rome.

Oh, Walter, where's your manners, for
heaven's sake? Help me off with my coat.

How's your mother?

I suppose you never even call her.

Well, what about lunch? Just because I'm
an old lady doesn't mean I don't get

hungry. But first I've got to take a
look at that kitchen.

I hope it's cleaner than the living
room.

This program was recorded before a
studio audience.