Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

- [Robot Woman] Hi.

Hi.

(laughing)

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

(upbeat pop rock music)

♪ I just wanna rock you ♪

♪ I just wanna Rockula ♪

♪ I just wanna rock you ♪

♪ I just wanna Rockula ♪

(upbeat pop rock music)

♪ You know I just wanna rock you ♪

♪ You know I just wanna Rockula ♪

♪ You know I just wanna rock you ♪

♪ You know I just wanna Rockula ♪

♪ Rock you ♪

♪ Rock ♪

(slow, tense, creepy music)

(synth music)

- [Ralph] Ah!

- Ralph.

This place is a mess.

- [Ralph] Mom, I'm trying to practice.

- Well honey could you do me a favor

and lock up tonight?

I got a date with a very nice man.

- Who is it this time mom?

- Well I'm not sure yet but I will know

him when I see him.

(sighing)

Oh.

I always forget.

- Mom, I've always meant to ask you,

how do you put your makeup on?

- Practice.

- Ralphie, how do I look?

- You look great, mom.

(hissing)

- Ooo, that's why I love my Ralphie.

(kissing)

My boy, my boy, mama boy.

(quirky music)

(slow organ music)

- Hey Ralph.

Ralphie.

- What do you want?

- Come here and talk to me.

(clapping)

How's it hangin'?

- Is that all you wanted?

To ask me, (clapping) "How's it hangin'?"

- Come on Ralphie, I'm worried about you.

A couple of hours it's gonna be Friday the 13th.

Let me guess, you have a headache, right?

- Right, and a sore throat, too.

- And you think you're coming down with the flu

or something really serious, right?

- Right, I just can't go through with this again.

- Let me see your tongue.

Come on.

Nah, it doesn't look too bad.

Is that a new retainer?

- Yeah, it hurts like heck.

(laughing)

- I'm sorry.

I know, this legend thing is tough.

Let's take a moment and reflect.

Reflect!

Get it?

Mirror, reflect.

God, I kill myself.

- [Ralph] Reflect, real funny.

Sometimes I really hate that guy.

What am I saying?

He's me.

I guess that means I hate myself.

Why am I confused?

(slow blues music)

Vampires are so misunderstand.

- Well you gotta admit, they got a bloodthirsty reputation.

- Do I look bloodthirsty?

I can't stand the sight of blood, I swear, I faint.

- [Chuck] What about garlic?

- I cook with it all the time.

It's good for colds.

Did you know that?

- Let me see if I can get this straight.

Around the middle of the 16th century, you--

- 17th, right?

- Right.

- Whenever.

A long time ago.

You met this girl, you fell in love.

But there was a problem, she had a boyfriend.

- A pirate.

- A pirate?

- Pirate.

- Whatever.

Now, she loved you, right?

So you were gonna slip off, get married,

when old peg leg finds out, has a shit fit

and comes after you.

- Pissed as hell.

- I just established his mental state.

So there's a fight.

Peg leg loses his sword and what's her name

gets killed by a blow to the head with a ham bone?

- Mona.

Her name was Mona.

- Whatever.

You tried to save her, but what could you do

in the face of 20 pissed off pirate friends

of peg leg's, who were going to turn you

into bat meat and so you beat it.

- [Raphael] He escaped by the skin of his teeth.

- Right.

And since she was killed before you could

fulfill your preordained lot--

- Before he could give her that final, fatal kiss

and turn her into a vampire.

- Whatever.

She is now reincarnated every 22 years

until you two can get it right, right?

- Right.

- And so tomorrow you are gonna meet her

as you've done every 22 years,

you'll fall in love,

and unless you save her,

this crazed pirate with a rhinestone peg leg will kill her.

- On Halloween.

- You got it.

- What are you gonna do?

- I'm gonna do what I should have done years ago.

I'm gonna lock myself in my room

and avoid this whole thing.

- Well, you're not gonna meet her?

- You're not gonna fall in love?

- She's better off without me.

- Man, that dude's sure got the blues.

Mm mm mm.

(slow blues music)

(tires skidding) (horn honking)

(crashing) (screaming)

- [Mona] He just ran out in front of us.

- [Woman In Glasses] Look he's moving.

- Are you alright?

- Oh god, Mona.

- Why don't you watch where you're going?

I could have, how did you know my name?

- I don't know your name.

You don't know my name.

Just pretend this never happened, okay?

- It never would have happened if you hadn't

jumped out in front of my car.

I hope for your sake my gear isn't crashed.

- Just forget you ever saw me, okay, 'cause the next

thing you know, we're gonna go out on a date

and we're gonna fall in love and then some crazy pirate's

gonna peg with you a ham bone.

(slow music)

- Hey.

You forgot your hat.

- What a weirdo.

(slow music)

(tsking)

- What?

- You ran away from her didn't you?

- For your information, I didn't just run away,

I had a plan.

- Really?

And what was that?

- I ran, I left, so she doesn't get involved with me.

She doesn't get involved with me, we don't fall in love,

she doesn't die, get it?

- Make a left at MIT, Einstein.

- It's about this, Mr. Wise Guy.

This happens every 22 years so that means

in the last 400 years, I have met, fallen in love,

and lost Mona 14.5 times.

- Talk about coitus interuptus.

- And every time it gets worse.

This time, no way, forget it.

- That's right.

Forget it, just forget the fact that we are

the oldest living virgins walking the planet.

- What are you talking about?

You are the biggest slut I know.

Every time I see you with a different girl.

- They mean nothing to me, Ralph.

It's Mona.

I want you to get Mona.

That means I get out of this crazy mirror thing.

It's like a prison in here, Ralph.

Everything's backwards.

- I knew it, I knew it.

This is about you, this is always about you.

- Wrong, Ralphfalfa.

It's about you.

Because any way you look at it,

she's got two weeks 'til she bites the big one.

(guitar riff)

- What's wrong?

- Nothing.

I was just thinking about the accident and--

- Did somebody say accident?

- Yeah.

We had an accident.

- Just set it up over there.

What kind of an accident?

None of my equipment's damaged, I hope.

You know, I got a hell of a deal on this stuff.

When you're working with a guy like me,

that's what we're talking, deals.

Let me just show you this little gizmo.

This is the most amazing device.

It samples anything from babies crying

to dogs barking.

Hey, what's the matter with this thing?

It wasn't this that got broken, was it?

- Broken?

- In the accident.

- Stanley, it's not broken.

Besides, it was a car accident.

We're trying to rehearse.

- Car accident?

Nobody killed I hope.

Hit it boys.

♪ Come to Stanley's, Stan's the man ♪

♪ Come to Stanley's, Stan's the man ♪

♪ Come to Stanley's, Stan's the man ♪

♪ Come to Stanley's Deathpark ♪

Howdy folks, Stan "The Man' Wilson here

from Stanley's Deathpark where we take the death

out of dying.

This Sunday marks our Heaven on Earth sale

and let's face it folks, it's a sale that some of you

aren't going to miss.

Take a look at this baby,

the streamlined Death 2000,

our top of the line.

This week, yours for only $1995.

A little steep, do I hear you say?

Then how about going Dutch on our

eternal economy model, only $100 over factory invoice.

How do we do it?

Volume, volume, volume.

So, bring the family, come on down and while you're here,

check out our revolutionary cryogenic process.

Open 12 to 12 for your shopping convenience.

See ya here.

♪ Come to Stanley's, Stan's the man ♪

♪ Come to Stanley's, Stan's the man ♪

♪ Come to Stanley's, Stan's the man ♪

♪ Come to Stanley's Deathpark ♪

(clapping)

Listen, I directed it myself, you know?

So, uh, what do you think, angel cakes?

- I thought it was kind of cute.

(slow, tense music)

(soft orchestral music)

- [Phoebe] Ralphie, is that you?

- [Ralph] Drat.

Hi, mom.

- It's about time you got home.

I was getting worried about you, honey.

Could you give me a hand with this?

- Sure.

(soft orchestral music)

You been here long?

- Oh, Heaven's no.

I've been here, I mean, we've been here, for hours.

- Who's we?

- I've almost located the Spanish galleon.

It's close.

I can feel it.

- Great, Jacques Cousteau.

- Just follow that trail of deblooms, Big Al.

Ah.

Big Al, this is my brother, Ralph.

- Big Al Johnson, scrap iron, St. Louis.

- I'm Little Ralph Levee.

- So what's your game Little Ralph?

- Game?

- Yeah, what do you do?

- I'm a vampire.

(laughing)

(moaning)

You make me sick.

- What?

I'm clean.

This is, no, not now, no.

I-- (knocking)

- I'll deal with you later.

I was just going to bed mom, could you hit the light?

- In a minute.

So.

Tell me about your night.

- There's nothing to tell.

- Come on, honey, I know what day it is.

You met her, didn't you?

- I didn't meet her.

I told you, I've had it with the legend ruining my life

every 22 years.

- Ralphie, where's your hat?

- I must have lost it in the car acc--

Card, card game.

I lost it in a card game, mom.

- Well, okay.

It's your legacy.

You can do anything you want with it.

But whether you've met her or not,

that poor girl is gonna die in two weeks

unless you do something about it.

(howling)

Honey.

Go to sleep.

(door slamming)

(upbeat rock music)

♪ Every girl needs a hero ♪

♪ Every girl needs a Romeo ♪

♪ To capture her heart ♪

♪ Every man needs a girl in distress ♪

♪ Tied to the feisty lips ♪

♪ Torn dress ♪

♪ I can tell by how you look at me ♪

♪ There's a lover in your eyes ♪

♪ But my heart is under lock and key ♪

♪ And it waits for you and cries ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Break these chains on my heart, chains on my heart ♪

♪ Only you can set me free ♪

♪ Break these chains on my heart, chains on my heart ♪

♪ I'll wait for you to rescue me ♪

♪ And if it takes forever ♪

♪ I will wait for you, wait for you ♪

(upbeat rock music) (people cheering)

- Hey.

- No!

(men chattering)

(cheering)

- Hey.

- Is it true that you've forsaken your legacy

and the girl of your dreams?

- What?

(cheering)

(banging)

(loud banging)

No.

(screaming)

- Ralph, what are you doing?

Ralph, answer me.

- I'm gonna find her.

- And do what?

- What do you think?

I'm gonna save her.

- Yeah, I've heard that song before.

- No, no, it's different.

I just have this feeling that if I don't save her

this time, I'm gonna lose her forever.

- [Reflection Ralph] You're no exactly playing

major league ball now.

What are you?

Zero for fourteen.

Oh excuse me, is it 15 now?

- [Ralph] You're a total dick you know that?

(hissing)

- You're gonna go out in the sunlight?

- I'm protected.

- Brave man.

How you gonna find her?

- She's in a band.

How hard could she be to find?

- Ralph, there must be 15,000 bands in the tri-state area.

That's a lot of ground.

How are you gonna cover it?

- I'm a vampire, I'll fly.

- No, no, no!

(Ralph screaming) Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

(groaning)

(birds chirping)

- I think I'll take the bus.

- What a loser.

(upbeat rock music)

♪ Hey ♪

(upbeat rock music)

♪ Now come on ♪

♪ Hey Mona ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey Mona ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Hey Mona ♪

♪ Well hey, hey, hey, hey Mona ♪

♪ Hey Mona ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey Mona, hey hey Mona ♪

♪ Hey Mona ♪

♪ Hey Mona ♪

♪ I been to the east ♪

♪ I been to the west ♪

♪ I ask my homeboys, have no rest, I said ♪

♪ Have you seen my Mona ♪

♪ Have you seen my girl ♪

♪ I can't say how and I can't say when ♪

♪ But I'm gonna bring my Mona back home again ♪

♪ I said hey ♪

♪ Hey Mona ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey Mona ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Hey Mona ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Hey Mona ♪

♪ M-M-M-M-M-M Mona ♪

♪ Hey Mona, hey, hey, Mona ♪

♪ Hey Mona ♪

♪ Hey, hey Mona ♪

♪ I been to the nightclub ♪

♪ I been to the street ♪

♪ I ask everybody ♪

♪ Everyone I meet, I say ♪

♪ Have you seen my Mona ♪

Hey Ralphie, you wanna play some hoop?

(ball bouncing)

Have you seen a yellow brick road around here?

- Do you think I'm doing the right thing?

- What do you mean?

- I mean, maybe I wasn't meant to find Mona.

Maybe this is just some sort of karmic debt

I'm paying off.

Maybe my first instincts were right.

Maybe I should just forget about this whole thing

and join a monastery.

But, what about Mona?

What sort of everlasting hell am I damning her to?

Maybe, no, yeah, no.

I should be strong.

I'll be strong.

- Hey.

Would you make up your mind?

I'm feeling like Sonny and Cher here.

That's better.

I wonder if, uh...

(unzipping)

(laughing)

Ralph, would you look at the size of this?

- Oh Christ, would you put that thing away?

(zipping) - Listen.

If you were meant to find Mona, you will.

If you weren't you won't, so relax.

See what I mean?

(upbeat pop music)

♪ What's your game ♪

♪ What's the deal ♪

♪ Now I know how a wild animal feels ♪

♪ These other guys ♪

♪ When they try ♪

♪ Can't release me from this feeling inside ♪

♪ Want to hold ♪

♪ Want to touch ♪

♪ Feel your heartbeat ♪

♪ I want you too much ♪

♪ We could have a thing between us, you know ♪

♪ Just you and me ♪

♪ Any time you want more ♪

♪ Here's the key to my door ♪

♪ I'm what you're waiting for ♪

♪ Turn me loose ♪

♪ If I'm losing control and won't do what I'm told ♪

♪ If I'm too hard to hold, turn me loose ♪

♪ Turn me ♪

♪ Turn me loose ♪

♪ Turn me ♪

♪ Turn me loose ♪

(upbeat pop music)

♪ Nothing more ♪

♪ To explain ♪

♪ Kiss me now ♪

♪ Drive me insane ♪

♪ In the dark moonlit night ♪

♪ Capture me ♪

♪ In your arms, hold me tight ♪

♪ Like the breeze when I'm hot ♪

♪ You can free me ♪

♪ Give me what you've got ♪

♪ Don't tell me have a nice day ♪

♪ If you can't make my night ♪

♪ Any time you want more ♪

♪ Here's the key to my door ♪

♪ I'm what you're waiting for, turn me loose ♪

♪ If I'm losing control and won't do what I'm told ♪

♪ If I'm too hard to hold, turn me loose ♪

♪ Turn me ♪

♪ Turn me loose ♪

♪ Turn me ♪

♪ Turn me loose ♪

(upbeat pop music)

♪ Turn me ♪

♪ Turn me loose ♪

♪ Turn me ♪

♪ Turn me loose ♪

♪ Turn me ♪

♪ Turn me loose ♪

♪ Turn me ♪

♪ Turn me loose ♪

♪ Turn me ♪

♪ Turn me loose ♪

♪ Turn me ♪

♪ Turn me loose ♪

♪ Turn me ♪

(applause) (cheering)

(people chattering)

- [Mona] Oh my god.

That's him.

- [Robin] That's who?

Where?

- [Mona] Stay here.

(slow music) (people chattering)

Who are you?

- I'm Ralph.

I like your music.

It's kind of wild, kind of now, kind of--

- Why are you following me?

- I'm not following you.

- Yes you are.

- Okay, I'm following you.

I'm a big fan of yours from way back.

- Who are you?

- I told you, I'm Ralph--

- No, I mean, what do you do?

Are you a musician?

- Yes.

- Do you have a band?

Or do you play by yourself?

- Um, yes.

- Yes, what?

- Yes, I have a band.

- What's the name?

- The name.

- Of the band.

- Um.

We haven't decided yet.

- Oh, um, well what kind of music?

- Well the music, we're not sure yet what it is.

- Well,

do you play around?

(hitting)

- Excuse me?

- Your band, are you playing any gigs anywhere?

- Gigs, yes, all the time, it's amazing, yeah, yeah.

- You are very strange, Ralph.

(Ralph mumbling)

- Mona, darling, I've got some terribly important people

just dying to meet you.

Will you excuse us?

- Yeah.

- Um, it was so nice to see you again.

Maybe I'll come see your band sometime.

- Maybe.

- Who is that twerp?

- Hey hey little man.

Can I help ya?

- No, I'm enjoying this party--

- Hey, what's this?

(hitting) - Ouch!

- Bounce him.

(Ralph yelling)

(cat meowing)

(spitting)

(slow blues music)

- Now let me get this straight.

You decided to find her.

- And once you found her?

- I turned into a blithering idiot.

(slow blues music)

There was a moment there, when she was onstage,

and our eyes locked,

it was like time stood still, you know?

(hitting piano)

What is wrong with me?

I am a musician, and a pretty darn good one at that.

- So, what happened?

(slow blues music)

- Let's face it, I don't have what it takes.

How can I save her if I can't even talk to her?

"Maybe I'll see your band sometime" she says.

What a joke.

(slow blues music)

- Why don't you--

- Why don't you--

(binging) - Start my own band.

(upbeat pop music)

- You're doing what?

Starting a rock band?

A vampire in a rock band.

What are you going to call it?

Rockula?

- [All] Rockula?

- Rockula.

(whistling)

(doorbell buzzing)

(upbeat pop rock music)

- [Stanley] Like, um,

'cause just like my psychic says,

death, right, is just a stepping stone to rebirth.

I mean, I think it was Nietzsche that said I'm just

"Living to die and dying to live."

- Nietzsche said that?

- Yeah, you know, Johnny Nietzsche,

in that band, uh, Marvin Gandhi and the Monkeyshines.

New age reggae.

- You're such a dork, Stanley.

- You take that back.

- Okay.

You're an egotistical, pseudo-intellectual,

money grubbing slut.

- I'll buy that.

- Hey! (cheering)

Thank you!

(cheering)

I'm Ted Brady, this is Club Hell, thanks for coming, kids.

(kissing) (cheering)

You kids, you kids, are rock 'n roll,

you are the rock 'n roll,

and this kid is Rockula.

(slow, creepy music)

(upbeat rock music)

♪ He don't walk ♪

♪ He glides ♪

♪ With bat wings and fangs ♪

♪ He's a bloodthirsty dude ♪

♪ Neighbors cry ♪

♪ But he won't ♪

♪ Hurt a fly ♪

♪ If it wasn't for Red Cross donations ♪

♪ This vampire would die ♪

♪ Lived home with mother for 300 years ♪

♪ Bought his new cape at the neighborhood Sears ♪

♪ It's not a bird, not a plane that you saw ♪

♪ Crashing into that solid brick wall ♪

♪ He's Rockula ♪

(upbeat rock music)

♪ He's Rockula ♪

♪ He ain't mean ♪

♪ He's nice ♪

♪ He don't neck on first dates ♪

♪ That's his mother's advice ♪

♪ So he stays ♪

♪ Home at nights ♪

♪ Orders Chinese take out ♪

- Some chow mein and a bowl of steamed rice, please.

Thank you.

♪ Careful, he's trying to take off again ♪

♪ As he jumps out the window ♪

♪ And lands on his head ♪

♪ This kind of vampire you've never heard of ♪

♪ One that faints at the sight of fresh blood ♪

♪ He's Rockula ♪

(upbeat pop rock music)

♪ He's Rockula ♪

(upbeat pop rock music)

♪ He's Rockula ♪

(upbeat pop rock music)

♪ He's Rockula ♪

(upbeat pop rock music)

(howling)

(cheering) (applause)

- Where's Mona?

(cheering) (applause)

- Rockula, that sounds of yours is just great.

- I saw you rock, man, I want my sick gloves back.

- Killer lesson.

- Totally styling.

- Hey dude, move your gear.

(soft music)

- [Mona] I'm still trying to figure out

where I know you from.

You seem so familiar to me.

Maybe it was a past life.

- [Ralph] What?

- [Mona] Relax, that was just a joke.

- [Ralph] Listen, do you believe in vampires?

- That's very funny, Ralph.

(soft music)

Well.

Well this is it.

Thank you for walking me home.

- Would you like to see me again?

- Yes.

Tomorrow?

- Okay. - Okay.

Good night.

(soft music)

(slow, tense music)

- [Ralph] Where is that guy when you need him?

- Hey Mr. Rockstar.

- Where have you been?

- Well you're not the only one that can start a band.

So?

- So, what?

- So what's she like?

- Oh.

She's great.

It was really worth the wait this time.

- Groovy.

So did you get any?

- Any what?

- You know, muff, nookie, poontang.

- You are so crass, is that all you ever think about?

- Listen Ralph, I don't have a love life of my own

so I wanna share in yours.

Now, start from the beginning and be graphic.

- Forget it.

- You didn't score, did you?

(grumbling)

- Knock it off!

She did kiss me, though.

- Really?

Was it?

- Unbelievable.

- Slip her the tongue?

- It was on the cheek.

- Loser!

- You never stop.

Bye mom, I'll see you later.

- Well don't you look cute and where are you going?

- Out.

- With who?

- Friends.

- And when will you back?

- Later.

- You met her, didn't you?

- Duh, mom.

- Oh, honey, I'm so happy.

- [Ralph] You're crushing my suit.

- Oh, we're gonna have to have her over for dinner.

- I'd rather not do that right now, mom.

- Oh, you're ashamed of your mother!

That's it, isn't it? - No, that's not.

That's not it.

It's that she's gonna be in of a big shock

when I tell her and I wanna break it to her easy,

by myself.

I'm not ashamed of you, mom.

I love you.

- Oh.

I must look a mess.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey, of course you're right.

But promise me you won't elope.

Because I want a big wedding.

- Of course.

And you're not a mess.

You look better than most women a 10th your age.

- I know.

You're a dear.

I honestly don't know what I'd do without my boy.

Now what are you standing there for?

Now you go off and you have a good time.

And you give Mona a big kiss (kissing) from mommy.

- Okay, bye.

- Oh.

(slow music)

(hissing)

- But what struck me the most were his eyes.

I mean, they almost seemed haunted, didn't they?

- You wanna know what happened that day?

Egon was married to this girl, Mary or Maddie,

I can't believe I forgot her name.

Anyway.

He had this girl posing for him.

She was 16, she was gorgeous, she was beautiful.

They started shacking up.

And the day that Mary found out,

she walked in on them and was gonna tell Egon

that she was pregnant.

- Well did she leave him?

- No, god, she was like this glutton for punishment.

- Ralph.

How do you know about all this?

- I don't know, why?

- You were talking about it as, I don't know,

almost as if you had been there or something.

- That was like over 100 years ago.

I couldn't have been, I read it, in art class, that's it.

- Oh.

You're a good story teller Ralph.

- Yeah, I got a couple of doozies for ya.

(upbeat music) (woman making noises)

- [Madam Ben Wa] I see a girl.

Her name is, uh, Mona?

- Yeah, right, right, my girlfriend.

I mean my ex-girlfriend.

- Oh.

I see her with another man.

- That little twerp.

(hitting)

- You should not call people names, Stanley.

- Yeah, right, sorry.

- She thinks she loves him, but she really

loves you, Stanley.

- Really?

- Yes.

But she is under his spell.

- Spell?

- Spell, Stanley, for this is no ordinary man.

He is a vampire.

- A vampire?

(hitting)

- A vampire, Stanley.

Yours is no ordinary destiny.

- I knew it.

- Don't interrupt.

It is your destiny to save Mona.

- Yes, but, how can I do it?

- Stanley, your business is death,

your life is death, your destiny is death.

You must kill her, Stanley.

- Yes?

- Yes.

And then she will be all yours.

- I could mount and stuff her.

- She will be your sleeping princess.

- Yes.

Yes, I see it.

I could freeze her, cryogenically.

- Oh.

I suppose it would work.

- She'll be mine.

All mine forever.

When do I do it?

- It must be down on Halloween.

- [Stanley] Right.

- But there is one catch, though.

You must dress as a pirate.

- A pirate?

- A pirate.

With a rhinestone peg leg.

- A rhinestone peg leg?

(hitting)

A rhinestone peg leg.

- And you must dispatch her with a ham bone.

- Ambone?

Okay, okay, okay, a ham bone.

(upbeat hip hop music) (cheering)

- Yo, yo, yo, yo, Hans, what's up, what's up?

Oh not much, you know, I've just been hangin'

with Yolanda and Dee.

Kick it!

(upbeat hip hop music)

♪ Whoa, what was that ♪

♪ Yo that's some kick ♪

♪ Thank you ♪

♪ Geez what a weird guy ♪

♪ There was this girl named Mina she wanted my wiener ♪

♪ She was singing back before Ike and Tina ♪

♪ I liked her bangs she liked my fangs ♪

♪ So we decided to do the crazy Rockula thing ♪

♪ Now her father didn't like it so he called me a pig ♪

♪ I said Dr. Van Helsing here's something you'll dig ♪

♪ We can sing kumbaya around the campfire ♪

♪ Are you the DJ ♪

♪ Nope, I'm the vampire ♪

♪ Heh heh heh heh he's Rapula ♪

♪ I said I'm the vampire ♪

♪ Heh heh heh heh he's Rapula ♪

♪ Kumbaya ♪

♪ Heh heh heh heh he's Rapula ♪

♪ Vampire home boy ♪

♪ Heh heh heh heh he's Rapula ♪

♪ Now ♪

♪ They're saying that a Michael rode ♪

♪ The boat ashore too with some aid ♪

♪ From the funky fresh Rapula crew ♪

♪ Get to the facts ♪

♪ I don't mean to be lax ♪

♪ But I'd like to hear some of the premarital sax ♪

♪ Get away from that chick you bloodthristy monster ♪

♪ Oh Dr. Van Helsing I'm a p-p-p punster ♪

♪ I'm not Frankenstein or the wolfman either ♪

♪ Are you the DJ ♪

♪ I'm the vampire ♪

♪ Heh heh heh heh heh he's Rapula ♪

♪ I said I'm the vampire ♪

♪ He's Rapula ♪

♪ You're a vampire ♪

♪ You mean like with teeth and everything ♪

♪ He's Rapula ♪

♪ Yo, yo, check this out, check this out, check this out ♪

♪ Oh yeah I'm checking it out ♪

♪ I'm waiting ♪

♪ Hunky dory now the story comes to a close ♪

♪ It ain't scary but it's smelly ♪

♪ Like the jam in your toes ♪

♪ Gina, I mean Mina, moved into my crib ♪

♪ Gee, Mr. Rapula, you're awfully glib ♪

♪ She made me a dish called Huevos de Rapula ♪

♪ Made with garlic and eggs and a gold plated spatula ♪

♪ You can read the commentary by William Sapphire ♪

♪ He's the DJ, I'm the vampire ♪

♪ He's Rapula ♪

♪ I'm the vampire ♪

♪ Vampire ♪

♪ You're the vampire ♪

♪ You're a vampire ♪

♪ Oh what you're a vampire ♪

♪ Are you dissin' me ♪

♪ Forget I'm the vampire ♪

♪ Just forget it ♪

♪ So if you're not Rapula man, who's the DJ ♪

(applause) (cheering)

(people chattering) (rock music)

- You were great.

- Ralphie?

Oh, there's my boy.

- Mom, what are you doing here?

- Oh, Ralph, I am so proud of you.

Your little band was fantastic.

- Mom.

- And you must be Mona.

Oh.

Look how pretty you are this time.

- Yes, yes, she is.

Uh, Mona, this is my mother.

- Hi.

It is so nice to meet you.

- Meet me?

No, no, dear, the pleasure's all mine.

Oh, just me look at you.

Oh, it's so nice to see the two of you together again.

- Excuse me?

- Uh yeah, well we have to be going.

- Oh well I won't keep you,

but we must have Mona over for dinner.

- Mom.

- I would love to.

- Mona.

- Thursday night?

- Can't Thursday night, Mona's video is premiering.

- Well we could go after.

- After?

- Thursday night it is then.

- I can't believe this.

- Well I have to run now.

I have a meeting with my ladies' social.

It's pistol range night and I'm really getting

much better at this.

Practice, practice, practice.

(screaming)

- Doesn't anybody go bowling anymore?

(soft romantic Spanish music playing)

Oh!

It's raining cats and dogs!

I just stepped in a poodle! (laughing)

(soft romantic Spanish music playing)

(rain falling)

- I feel like I've known you forever.

(rain falling) (thunder breaking)

I think the rain is stopping.

(rain falling)

(synth rock music)

♪ In the dark, in deepest shadows ♪

♪ Well hid from the light of day ♪

♪ I wait for the perfect moment ♪

♪ Show me the way ♪

♪ Like the flame of a candle burning ♪

♪ Like a deer when it hits the floor ♪

♪ Like the passion locked inside me ♪

♪ Open the door ♪

♪ I said open the door ♪

♪ It was always this way from the start ♪

♪ Now I'm asking to surrender your heart ♪

(yelling)

♪ You made me wait forever ♪

♪ My hope had almost died ♪

♪ You stopped the world from turning ♪

♪ When you were by my side ♪

♪ With the wars I've waged behind me ♪

♪ With your lovin' to remind ♪

♪ When hearts on fire collide ♪

♪ I can't lose with you by my side ♪

(yelling) ♪ You by my side ♪

♪ You by my side ♪

♪ In the night you're the star that guides me ♪

♪ And it seems like a thousand years ♪

♪ Since I first felt these emotions ♪

♪ First felt these tears ♪

♪ If you call I'll be the answer ♪

♪ If you need, I'll be desire ♪

♪ If you're cold I'll be there to warm you ♪

♪ I'll be your heat ♪

♪ I'll be the fire ♪

♪ It's always this way from the start ♪

♪ Now I'm asking you to surrender your heart ♪

♪ You made me wait forever ♪

♪ My hope had almost died ♪

♪ You stopped the world turning ♪

♪ When you were by side ♪

♪ With the wars I've waged behind me ♪

♪ With your lovin' to remind me ♪

♪ When hearts on fire collide ♪

♪ I can't lose with you by my side ♪

♪ You by my side ♪

♪ You by my side ♪

♪ Lost a love that will last forever ♪

♪ From the ends of the Earth ♪

♪ And right into heaven ♪

(rock music)

♪ And if that's a dream then don't wake me ♪

♪ If it's love then take me ♪

♪ Nothing can stop us now ♪

♪ Destiny found you somehow ♪

♪ When hearts on fire collide ♪

♪ I can't lose with you by my side ♪

♪ You by my side ♪

♪ You by my side ♪

♪ When hearts on fire collide ♪

♪ I can't lose with you by my side ♪

♪ You by my side ♪

♪ You by my side ♪

♪ You by my side ♪

♪ You by my side ♪

♪ You by my side ♪

♪ You by my side ♪

♪ You by my side ♪

Wow.

What was that?

(rain falling) (rock music)

- I don't know, but it was definitely beautiful.

♪ You by my side ♪

♪ You by my side ♪

♪ You by my side ♪

♪ You by my side ♪

♪ You by my side ♪

♪ You by my side ♪

♪ You by my side ♪

(rock music)

(clapping)

- [TV Announcer] That was Mona and the premiere

of By My Side here on Slack TV.

Coming up... - You were wonderful.

- Thank you honey.

- Both of you.

- Well the kids were Mona's idea.

- Don't be so modest, Ralph.

- Listen, Mona, about dinner with my mother tonight.

I don't think it's a very good idea.

- Why not?

- In fact, I think it's time I start my own record label,

you know, Morgue Music or maybe Death Records.

Or just RIP, it's sort of catchy, don't you think?

Mona, just terrific.

Congratulations, the both of you.

- Thank you.

Um, Stanley, why are you wearing garlic around your neck?

- Oh.

This is in honor of Ralph here, I should I say Rockula?

It's pretty pungent, wouldn't you say, Ralphie?

- Smells great, I love garlic.

- Yes, you might say I have a stake in what

happens to you.

I mean, I think Rockula's gonna take off

like a bat out of hell.

The world is full of bloodsuckers

and I would hate for anything to happen to you.

Have you ever seen one of these before?

- Yes.

18th Century, right?

- 19th, actually.

- Excuse me, I'm gonna use your bathroom.

- Okay sure.

- There's things about this guy that you don't understand.

- Stanley, I think that you are under a lot of stress.

- He knows, the jig's up.

- Who knows?

What jig?

- [Ralph] Stanley, somehow he knows that I'm a...

- You're a vampire?

- Yes.

- So why don't you get rid of him

in the time honored tradition?

- What the hell is that?

- Bite him, man.

Bite him, and watch him die a slow, agonizing death.

Come on, it's the way vampires always get rid

of those Van Helsing types.

- That's in the movies.

Besides, you remember vampires always lose.

- Yeah, but they always look so cool stalking the halls.

I just love that.

- If Stanley knows, what's stopping him from telling Mona?

- So he tells her, you tell her, what's the difference?

What's the matter?

Ashamed of who you are?

- Yes.

No, no, I mean, I don't know, it's not that easy.

- [Mona] Ralph?

- Pressure's on, pressure's on, what you gonna do?

Don't choke, don't choke, don't choke.

- Shut up and let me think.

- [Mona] Ralph?

- I'm gonna tell her.

- Everything? Even the you-know-what?

- Everything.

- Bad idea, man, bad idea.

- Shh.

- Uh, Ralph.

Who are you talking to?

- Uh no one, myself.

Well, sort of, I'll explain later.

Mona, we're having dinner at my mother's.

- That's what I like about you Ralph.

You're so decisive. (laughing)

- Attention.

Could I have your attention please?

Oy!

I have a little premiere of my own.

Mmm, that mantra felt good.

Hi, I'm Stanley, your guide into the other world.

Here at Stanley's Deathpark, we believe in a holistic,

stress-free approach to the passing on process.

Just take a look at our new line in designer headstones.

Secretary forget to remind you to bring flowers?

The XK2000 is perfect for those with a busy lifestyle.

Just 50 cents brings an all natural, floral surprise.

Mmm, just smell those chlamydias.

And we'll quite happily donate 10 cents of the proceeds

to the charity of your choice.

Miss that nagging loved one?

No longer with the Recorder 6000,

you just close your eyes and listen.

- [Woman] Harold, have you been drinking again?

Was it you who left the toilet seat up?

My mother was right.

- Better than a wool hair coat and a crown of thorns.

Realistic?

Don't take my word for it.

- It's been three years since my lovely Clorice left me.

But with Recorder 6000, I have yet to miss

her deprecating banter.

- Thank you Elmo, that was lovely.

Now, here's something new.

Relatives disapprove of your lifestyle?

Invest in the Rotary 600, the device that keeps those loved

ones turning over in their grave.

(thumping)

Isn't that amazing?

And over here we have the very latest in

cryogenic technology.

It may well be the answer to everlasting life,

and, while you're waiting to be reborn,

why not listen to your choice of subliminal

self help tapes.

We have an incredible selection.

Everything from meditation to the fundamentals of golf.

Learn a foreign language while you're waiting

to be awoken from your everlasting sleep.

Did you die a smoker?

Quit while you're dead.

Improve your karma, knock off several lifetimes

and awake a better person.

- Get out.

- That was the best bit.

- Stanley, I have been working my entire life for tonight,

and you come and make a joke out of it?

- Mona.

You.

You did it to me, you fiend.

- You alright?

- Yes I'm fine, really.

- Stanley is in love with you.

- I know.

(slow music)

It wasn't just Stanley.

Ralph, I was watching the video and suddenly I thought,

"Is this what I have been working for my entire life?

"Three minutes, that's it?

"Just three minutes?"

It just seemed so unimportant.

So temporary.

Ralph.

You--

- Before you say what I think you're gonna say,

there's something you've gotta know.

- Hi kids.

- Mom, we were talking.

- The legacy?

- Mom.

- The legacy?

(strange music)

- It's nothing, it's, nevermind, it's not important.

What's for dinner?

- [Phoebe] Hello dear.

- [Mona] Mrs. Levee, this is a beautiful home you have.

- Oh thank you dear, but please call me Phoebe.

Of course, this is nothing like the

palatial chateau that we had when we were

in the south of France, is it Ralph?

- I didn't know you lived in France?

- You didn't?

Of course you did.

When was that Ralphie?

The 16th or the 17th century?

I don't remember.

Oh, my pet Napoleon, mm, could he throw a party.

I was his favorite, you know.

- Mom.

- And Mona, your father, the king, was he,

the most handsome man and you were the cutest little thing.

- Mom!

What's for dinner?

- Meat and potatoes.

Who's askin'?

- Oh, Boom Boom.

Boom, oh!

Ooo, my son.

Ralphie, this is my son Ralphie and his fiancee Mona.

Oh.

- His fiancee?

- The Boom Boom Williams?

The Terror of Tennessee?

- You got it, little fella.

And if you eat all your vegetables, you'll grow up

to be big and strong just like me.

- I think we're a little late for that.

I don't know, about 300 years too late.

- What did you say? - Nothing.

- Dinner is served.

And as for the father of our country,

well let me tell you, he may have been hell

on the battlefield, but in bed he was as wooden

as his teeth. (laughing)

Those were tough and lonely times for a woman.

Every day I get down on my hands and knees

and I thank my lucky stars that I had my boy.

My Ralphie.

Ralphie.

- Baby, where would you like your coffee served?

In here, or in the living room?

- In the living room, don't you think?

- Oh, whatever you say love cakes.

(fire crackling)

Introducing the fabulous, the incomparable,

and the sexy,

Miss

Phoebe.

(slow synth music)

(upbeat pop synth music)

(hissing)

♪ Well you can say that the night ♪

♪ Belongs to no one ♪

♪ And you can pray ♪

♪ That the night will soon be over ♪

♪ Doo wop bop bop, doo wop bop bop ♪

♪ Doo wop bop bop, doo wop bop bop ♪

♪ As the shadows fall ♪

♪ And the daylight slips away ♪

♪ To the night ♪

♪ Like it lasts forever ♪

♪ A night that is your friend ♪

♪ A friend of pain and pleasure ♪

♪ And in the night ♪

♪ The night, you hear it calling ♪

♪ Calling out your name ♪

♪ That you will never ever be the same ♪

♪ The night, the night will last forever ♪

♪ The night, hey hey ♪

♪ Well you can say ♪

♪ That the night is full of danger ♪

♪ But you know ♪

♪ To the night, you're not a stranger ♪

♪ You know what I mean ♪

♪ Doo wop bop bop, doo wop bop bop ♪

♪ Doo wop bop bop, doo wop bop bop ♪

♪ As the shadow falls ♪

♪ And the daylight slips away to the night ♪

♪ The night that lasts forever ♪

♪ The night that is your friend ♪

♪ A friend of pain and pleasure ♪

♪ And in the night ♪

♪ The night, you hear it calling ♪

♪ Calling our your name ♪

♪ You will never, ever be the same ♪

♪ Doo wop bop bop, doo wop bop bop ♪

♪ Doo wop bop bop, doo wop bop bop ♪

♪ Yo girly girl, I'm back again ♪

♪ And all I wanna do is jam with my friends ♪

♪ And jammin' is what I'll do ♪

♪ And I'll jam the house and jam it down on you ♪

♪ Doo wop bop bop, doo wop-- ♪ (record scratching)

♪ Doo wop bop bop, doo wop bop bop ♪

♪ As the shadows fall ♪

♪ And the daylight slips away to the night ♪

♪ The night that lasts forever ♪

♪ The night that is your friend ♪

♪ A friend of pain and pleasure ♪

♪ And in the night ♪

♪ The night, you hear it calling ♪

♪ Calling out your name ♪

♪ That you will never, ever be the same ♪

- My mom's kind of strange.

If you hadn't noticed.

- This whole night has been kind of strange.

- Mona, pull over.

(wolf howling)

Oh great.

Mona?

Would you give up everything for me?

Your career, your friends, everything?

- Ralph, don't you think that's a little bit radical?

I mean, maybe we should date for a while first,

don't you think?

- I've given you a choice and it has to be your choice.

- What are you talking about?

Ralph, where are you going?

Ralph, where are you going?

- [Ralph] Just follow me.

- Ralph, what is with you?

- Okay, you see these people?

They're dead, I'm not.

- I can see that, Ralph.

- But, I'm older.

- What?

- Mona, I'm a vampire.

- And I'm the Bride of Frankenstein.

- No seriously, Mona, it's the truth.

I'm not a bad vampire.

I am a bad vampire, I'm not very good at it.

I don't bite people but I am a vampire.

- Ralph, this is a very common thing.

- It is?

- Yes, sure it is.

People begin to believe their stage personas all the time.

- No, no, no, no, I don't think I'm a vampire,

I really am a vampire.

- Prove it.

- Look.

Fangs, see?

- Well it's probably something that just runs

in the family, Ralph.

Besides, I knew a girl in the eighth grade,

she had bigger teeth than that.

She wasn't a vampire, Ralph.

You really should have those filed down though.

- Okay, all that stuff my mom was talking about

back at the house, it's all true.

Mona, you are 422 years old.

This is your 19th lifetime.

You always die on Halloween night of your 22nd year.

- Ralph!

- Mona, we were lovers 400 years ago

and every 22 years since then,

and it always ends the same way.

- And how is that?

- You're killed by a pirate with a peg leg

wielding a gigantic ham bone.

- And then I'm reborn?

- Over and over.

- I think maybe you just need some therapy, Ralph.

- Okay, you remember this?

You said you did back at the house.

- I do.

I remember that from somewhere.

- 1786.

- What?

- You owned it in 1786.

You wanna see what you looked like?

- I'm not sure.

(soft lullaby music)

- And here's you in 1918.

(soft lullaby music)

- Now wait a minute.

So that means that,

that you're-- - Yes.

- And that I'm-- - Yep.

- And that we're-- - You got it.

- Nah.

- Okay, okay, fine, fine.

Okay, I didn't wanna do this but you leave me no choice.

Now watch close, I haven't done this in years

and I'm not very good at it so bear with me.

Hi.

Mona.

Mona, it's me.

Mona.

Mona.

- Stay away from me.

- It's okay, you react like this every time.

Everything's okay, it's okay.

- No, no it isn't.

This is my fault.

I thought I could handle this, I thought I was

more open-minded, but this.

This is just too much.

- No, no Mona it's okay, all you have to do is make

it to All Saints Day.

- Stay away from me.

- Mona, you have no choice.

I love you, you love me.

If you don't listen to me you're gonna die,

and we're gonna have to do this all over again

in 22 years.

- I don't love you Ralph!

I don't!

- Mona!

Mona!

(slow, somber synth music)

(sobbing)

(slow, somber synth music)

(upbeat synth music)

(phone ringing)

♪ On the corners of boulevards ♪

♪ I call your name ♪

♪ Now and again they play our tune ♪

♪ In the grip of a tight hand over the flame ♪

♪ Pale as the phases of the moon ♪

(funky soft synth music)

♪ In the cafes of shopping malls I see your face ♪

♪ Turn into mist on evening dew ♪

♪ But a book and a photograph just aren't the same ♪

♪ There is a train that's leaving soon ♪

(funky synth music)

♪ Budapest by blimp ♪

(funky synth music)

(yelling) (whipping)

- No!

Ralph!

Ralph!

(birds chirping) (rummaging)

- Your move, numb nuts.

Ralph.

- Huh?

- Your move.

- I'm sorry.

I just can't concentrate.

- Thinkin' about tonight?

Where you goin'?

- Out.

- Well don't forget your retainer.

- I don't need that anymore.

(slow, soft music)

- Well, are you quite sure?

No, I already have the costume, what I want

is a rhinestone peg leg.

Yes, I know it's Halloween, goddammit.

Ugh!

What am I gonna do?

(sighing)

(dialing)

Hello?

Madam Ben Wa?

Hi, it's Stanley, the ham bone?

I'm working on it, but listen.

I have another little problem.

(soft funky music)

- Unbelievable.

- [Man] Another van will be along in 10 minutes.

Sorry.

- What am I gonna do?

(soft funky music)

- Thanks.

Just one of those days, you know?

- Try one of those lifetimes.

(soft funky music)

(people chattering)

(upbeat electronic music)

- I'm really worried.

I haven't seen her for days.

- And Ralph, I haven't seen him either.

- [Axman] Neither have I.

- I'm back!

(blowing through hand)

- Madam Ben Wa, is that you? (hitting)

Hello Madam Ben Wa.

I've got everything ready, the liquid nitrogen, everything.

All I need is--

Wow.

Real rhinestones.

Do you think she's gonna be here, Madam Ben Wa?

(hitting)

- Are you doubting Madam Ben Wa?

- Oh no, no, no, no, no.

- Do I sense that you are wavering from your destiny?

- No, Madam Ben Wa.

- Do you love Mona more than life itself?

- Yes.

- Then you will save her from the vampire.

- Yes, Madam Ben Wa, yes, yes!

- You remember.

Before midnight!

- [Robin] Suppose she doesn't come on time.

- So you'll go on.

(scoffing)

- I can't do that.

- Sure you can, you know that song.

I've heard you sing it.

Ham.

Who brought the sandwiches?

- I did.

What's the matter?

Too cooked for you, Mr. Vampire?

- What's your costume, Stanley?

- It's a secret.

- It wouldn't happen to be a pirate, would it?

- What if it is?

- [Woman] Lana, 10 minutes.

- Don't forget your peg leg, Stanley.

(upbeat electronic rock music)

(upbeat electronic rock music)

- [Stanley] God dammit!

- [Robin] Did you find her?

- No sign of her yet.

- [Chuck] Stanley's disappeared.

He was here one minute and gone the next.

- Okay, let's go.

Raphael, you and Chuck stage left, Axman stage right.

Be on the look out for anyone in a pirate costume.

- What about Stanley?

- Leave Stanley to me.

- [Announcer] Club Hell presents Mona!

- It's up to you.

You can do it.

(crowd cheering)

- I'm waiting for you my love.

I hope Madam Ben Wa was right.

(upbeat electronic dance music)

♪ Na na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na na ♪

♪ Na na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na na ♪

♪ I know of a country ♪

♪ Not too far from here ♪

♪ No one lives in hunger ♪

♪ No one lives in fear ♪

♪ United state of beat ♪

♪ We've got to go there ♪

♪ United state of beat ♪

♪ We've got to go ♪

♪ United state of beat ♪

♪ We've got to go there ♪

♪ United state of beat ♪

♪ We've got to go there now ♪

♪ Right now ♪ (cheering)

(upbeat electronic dance music)

- Mom, what are you doing here?

Mom!

Excuse me.

Mom, what are you doing here?

Are you okay?

- I just wanted to see your little rock band play.

Is that too much for a mother to ask?

(screaming) (Stanley yelling)

- Mona!

Mona!

(people yelling)

- Ralph.

(slow, tense music) (people yelling)

- [Mona] Put me down, what are you doing?

Stanley!

(people yelling) (slow, tense music)

- Mona!

- [Chuck] Sorry, man, we lost--

- [Ralph] It's not important, we gotta find Mona.

We gotta split up, what time is it?

- [Axman] Five to 12.

- [Ralph] I hope it's not too late.

- [Chuck] Come on then.

- Stanley.

What is going on?

- Destiny.

- Ouch!

Are you crazy?

(slow, tense music)

Stanley, is that a ham bone?

- Well it ain't chopped liver.

- Ham bone.

Pirate.

Halloween.

Ralph!

- Damn.

- Hey, Ralph, what's the good word?

You save her yet?

- Stanley's got her and they've disappeared.

- Typical.

- What's typical?

- That the damsel's in distress and you're caught

sleeping at the gate behind the eight ball

a day late and a dime short.

- Sometimes I really hate you.

- Oh, thanks a lot and I'm just gonna tell you where she is.

- Where, where, where is she?

- But now I'm not going to.

- Tell me, where is she?

- Not until you apologize.

(whistling)

- I apologize!

- Who's your best friend in the whole world?

I'm sorry, what, what, what, what, what?

I can't hear you.

- You are!

Tell me where she is!

- You go out that door, you make a left,

there's a access stairs.

Hm.

It's gonna be close.

(people yelling)

- Why, Stanley, why?

- Because I love you, Mona.

We belong together.

- So you're gonna kill me?

- Well not exactly.

I'm gonna freeze you cryogenically

and then we'll be together forever.

- No!

- Drop the bone, Stanley.

- Make me.

- I don't make garbage.

I burn it.

- Oh yeah? - Yeah.

(tense music)

Is that a ham bone Stanley?

- Why, yes, I think it is.

- Well that explains our little backstage porkfest.

Nice touch with the peg leg.

Where did you get it?

- My psychic, Madam Ben Wa.

(grunting)

(grunting)

- [Axman] They're nowhere in sight.

- Ralph just disappeared.

- Well we gotta find him, it's almost midnight.

Tuty, is there another way out of here?

- Yes.

There's a little door that goes upstairs over there.

- [Chuck] Great!

(yelling)

(yelling)

- The girl is mine!

- [Ralph] Is not!

- Is too.

- Is not.

This time, the pirate loses.

All my life, I've been pushed around by punks like you.

No one ever believed in me.

I never even believed in myself.

I spent centuries wallowing in self-pity.

I was such a weakling, I couldn't even shake a cold.

The only person who believed in me was my mother,

God bless her.

If it weren't for that woman--

- Oh Ralph, I'm sorry.

- Mom.

- Madam Ben Wa?

- Mrs. Levee?

- Madam Ben Wa?

- Mom?

- I thought I was doing the right thing

but now I know I was wrong.

- You mean you were behind this the whole time?

- You were my little boy.

I didn't want you to leave home.

Now I know you're all grown up.

- You're in this together.

Die, vampire scum!

- [Phoebe] Ralph!

- That was my mother you just boned.

- She was a traitor.

Nothing can stop me now.

- [Mona] No!

Ralph!

- Not so fast, you leave me no choice, Stanley.

Drop the ham bone, Stanley.

(yelling)

- [Man] Two, one.

You are now totally relaxed yet energized

in a beautiful and harmonious way.

Imagine the energy of the universe coming in through

the top of your head and radiating out.

While gripping your nine iron, inhale deeply

and mentally repeat these affirmations:

my nine iron is an extension of my penis.

My nine iron is an extension of my penis.

(Ralph grunting)

- I knew that would come in handy one day.

Mona, are you alright?

- You know the second time around that bat thing

was kind of cute.

- Yowza, what happened here?

- It's after 12.

- [Raphael] You saved her.

- Yes!

(soft, slow music)

Mom.

Come here.

- Oh.

Oh Ralphie.

Do you forgive me?

(hissing)

- Of course we forgive you.

- Oh, Ralphie!

(people chattering)

(cheering)

- No hickies.

- Ralph?

Hey Ralph?

Ralph?

Where are you man?

Ralph!

Come on.

Hey, did you get her?

Ralph?

Come on, I'm ready, don't leave me.

Ral--

Okay, I'll wait, I'll wait.

Ralph! Where are you?

Ralph, come on, I'm locked in here!

Ralph!

Okay.

Okay, fine.

To hell with this.

(grunting)

(glass shattering)

(upbeat rock music) (cheering)

(cheering)

Wow, it's deja vu.

(upbeat rock music) (cheering)

- The return of the king!

(cheering)

(upbeat rock music)

♪ Well there's a party in my pants ♪

♪ If you'd like to take a gander ♪

♪ And there's a rocket in my pocket ♪

♪ Like a pink salamander ♪

♪ If diamond ring's something you lack ♪

♪ Well don't worry baby 'cause the king is back ♪

♪ Hey, Rockula ♪

♪ I got love in my tummy ♪

♪ There's enough to go around ♪

♪ Hey, Rockula ♪

♪ Rockulin' down to the bo diddley sound ♪

♪ Hey, Rockula ♪

♪ My name is Rockula and I'm takin' no prisoners ♪

♪ Later in the day I got nothin' to do ♪

♪ I'm gonna buy me a car maybe I'll buy you one too baby ♪

♪ Toot toot ♪

♪ If you need money, baby, I got a stack ♪

♪ Doot doot ♪

♪ Just tell all your friends that the king is back ♪

♪ Hey, Rockula ♪

♪ I got love, I got money, there's enough to go around ♪

♪ Hey, Rockula ♪

♪ Rockulin' down to the bo diddley sound ♪

♪ Hey, Rockula ♪

♪ My name Rockula, I'm gonna play my thing right now ♪

(upbeat rock music)

♪ It's time to sing along kids ♪

♪ Just repeat after me ♪

♪ Say yabba dabba do ♪

♪ Yabba dabba do ♪

♪ Say apple sucka berrya ♪

♪ Apple sucka berrya ♪

♪ Say ke ke ke ke ki ♪

♪ Ke ke ke ke ki ♪

♪ Say gurgle laka slackajaw ♪

♪ Gurgle laka slackajaw ♪

♪ Say yo, yo ♪

♪ Mo, mo ♪

♪ Yo, mo ♪

♪ And nine, 10, 11, 12 ♪

♪ Hey, Rockula ♪

♪ I got love, I got money, there's enough to go around ♪

♪ Hey, Rockula ♪

♪ Rockulin' down to the bo diddley sound ♪

♪ Hey, Rockula ♪

♪ My name is Rockula let's sing it again ♪

♪ Hey, Rockula ♪

♪ I got love, I got money, there's enough to go around ♪

♪ Hey, Rockula ♪

♪ Rockulin' down to the bo diddley sound ♪

♪ Hey, Rockula ♪

♪ Come here baby and hold my thing ♪

♪ Thank you ♪

(upbeat rock music)

♪ What you want, I'm the king ♪

(upbeat rock music)

♪ How'd you like that baby ♪

(cheering) ♪ Thank you ♪

(upbeat rock music)

(upbeat rock music)