All language subtitles for Maude s06e09 The Gay Bar

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world
looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her.
She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't
you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sold up.

And then there's more.

And then there's Maud. And then there's
Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And
then there's Maud. That uncompromising,

enterprising, anything but
tranquilizing. Not on Maud.

Walter, how could you? How could you?
How could you invite the Harmons over to

stay with us for three days?

Lord, their house is being fumigated. If
their house is being fumigated, why is

Arthur leaving? He's the biggest pest
they have.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just can never
forgive Arthur for those stupid remarks

he made last night about illegal aliens.
Oh, Lord, he means well.

Means well. I will not have a man in my
house who says that throwing illegal

aliens into a van and driving them back
across the border is fun trucking.

What? Now, you're upset. Now, calm down
and listen to me.

Now, listen, Mood. I know Arthur Harmon
for over 30 years. And in that time, you

learned a lot about a man. And I think
there's something you should know right

now. If you're not careful, Arthur can
get on your nerves.

Now, Walter, Walter, Walter, Walter, do
you know what you are?

I'm lost in a long, dark tunnel.
Suddenly, I see a bright light at the

that tunnel. You are that light, Walter.
A light I've rushed toward.

It gets closer and closer until... There
it is!

It's a train coming at me!

All right, Walter. I'm sorry I invited
the Harmans.

But they're our best friends.

What could I do?

Well, if you had any decency, you would
have said that we've had a sudden death

in the family.

And then kill yourself.

This is just so sweet of you. Vivian,
let me give you a hand.

Oh, thank you, Walter.

I wonder if Arthur needs a hand with his
luggage.

This is his luggage.

I'll put it up to the guest room.

Look, Vivian, I'm going to level with
you. There is no way that I can take a

whole weekend of Arthur's narrow -minded
conservative raving.

Oh, it's bad.

I'm just so sorry about last night, but
try to understand. Now, Arthur's just

been a little edgy lately, you know.
There's a new administrator over at the

hospital, and Arthur's being considered
for head of surgery.

Now, that is a great idea, because
nobody needs head surgery more than

Maude, I talked to Arthur, and I told
him not to say anything controversial

while we're here. Oh, come on, Viv.

Finley, I did. I sat him down and I
said, now, Arthur, under no

I want you even to hint at any subject
that could possibly cause an argument

between you and Maude. That's what I
said to Arthur.

I hope you're satisfied, Maude and
Finley. A bunch of homosexual pansies

just opened a gay bar in Tuckahoe.

And what did Arthur say?

He said he'd think about it.

It's that new place in the shopping
center.

I thought it was a Mexican restaurant.

I mean, they call it the gay caballeros.

Somebody told me today they don't even
serve food there. It's a bar and all the

caballeros are gay.

Sir Vivian, I forgot to bring over my
shaving kit. Would you run that upstairs

for me, please?

Arthur,

you're upsetting Maude.

You remember what we talked about, about
nothing controversial.

Look, Maude.

I am upset about this gay bar in the
neighborhood.

And I'll admit I'm going to be talking
about it a lot.

It was very nice of you to ask us to
stay here, but I think we'd better clear

the air.

Now, if my being here is going to cause
any trouble, any trouble at all, I want

you to say so right now.

I think it's going to cause a lot of
trouble.

All right, now that we've cleared the
air, baby, you can take that shaving kit

upstairs.

Now, let me tell you what we're going to
do about this gay bar. I don't want to

hear about it, Arthur. Look, I... I
don't think you understand.

I cannot put up with three days of this,
Arthur.

Arthur, I do not want you in my home.

Oh, that's too bad.

Because I can't leave, Maude.

You see, I told Mr. Duncan, the new head
administrator at the hospital, that I'd

be here.

He's going to drop some papers off for
me.

See, Maude, I'm being considered for the
new head of surgery.

Now, Duncan can make or break that
appointment. Now, if he doesn't find me

when he comes, that wouldn't look right.
Look, this is not my problem, Arthur.

I know that I cannot put up with a whole
weekend of your archaic views on gay

people. What's wrong with my views on
gay people?

Do you approve of homosexuals?

Arthur, it doesn't matter whether I
approve or I disapprove. They are human

beings. They exist.

It's like asking me if I approve of
dwarfs.

Well, that's different. There's no such
thing as gay dwarfs.

Come on, Arthur, you've read Snow White.

Seven little men living together like
that wake up and smell the coffee.

Oh, Maude, that's just a fairy tale.

I am talking about

the real world. Our neighborhood is
being invaded by a bunch of abnormal

So is my house all weekend.

Look, psychiatrists and social
scientists cannot determine what is

what is abnormal. So how can you set
yourself up as a judge?

I don't. I'm not.

God is.

God is against gay people, you know.

God is against gay people?

Well, of course.

How do you know? Was he sitting next to
you at an American Legion meeting?

Well, it's just common sense.

If God had wanted people to be gay, he
wouldn't have created Adam and Eve.

He'd have created Adam and Steve.

I'll get this. That could be Mr. Duncan.

Oh, Mr. Duncan, please come in. Dr.
Harmon?

Maude, I want you to meet our new head
administrator at the hospital, the

brilliant Mr.

Mark Duncan.

How do you do? How do you do? Mr.
Duncan, this is my neighbor lady, Maude

Finley. Take off your coat.

Oh, no, no, I can't stay. Sit down. No,
no, really, I can't. Would you like a

drink? No, no, no, thank you. I really
must be going. Would you like to stay

dinner? No, now, you see, I'll bet you'd
like some candy. Maude, have we got any

candy? Maybe he'd like to spend the
night.

Great idea.

Would you like to spend the night?

No, Maude.

He doesn't want to spend the night.

No, no, no, please.

I just wanted to bring you these files
you agreed to review.

I hate to impose on your weekend, but
I... No trouble, no trouble. I love

Hey, that's my big problem.

I can't stop working.

And that's why everybody at the hospital
is going to be very surprised if I'm

not appointed the new head of surgery.

Yes.

Good night.

Nice meeting you.

What?

Do you think I was too pushy?

Not for you.

Hugh Bay.

I'm sorry to barge in like this, but
this is urgent.

Arthur, I talked to the city attorney,
but he's dragging his feet.

I knew it.

This is a hot potato.

I guess we're going to have to give up
on plan A.

Arthur, what are you talking about?

The Fathers Against Gays Society.

Fathers Against Gays Society?

You mean F -A -G -S?

Joby, that's the last time I'm going to
let you pick a name.

I think we better go back to the Fathers
Against Smuts Society.

Anyway, Hubie and I set it up this
afternoon. The important thing is we're

to close down that gay bar. And there
are plenty of laws that apply.

Laws against immoral behavior, laws
against lewd conduct. We even have a law

here in Tuckahoe that says no funny
business.

Oh, come on. These are all outdated
laws. Nobody invokes them anymore.

The law is the law.

This is a nation of laws, something
which you fuzzy -headed liberals seem to

forget. Oh, baloney.

You just want to persecute people that
you don't understand.

Has it ever occurred to you that gay
people are human beings, that they have

rights? Sure, Maude. If it was up to
you, everybody would have rights.

Anyway, I think we'd better draw the
line. We have to think of the children.

Oh, now, what do the children have to do
with this? What do the children have to

do with this?

Maude, what is right next to the
shopping center?

Burkett's 11.

Right. And if you go down Burkettville
Avenue for five blocks, what do you come

to?

The on -ramp to the Tuckahoe Parkway.
Right.

And if you take the parkway for three
exits, what do you come to?

I've no idea.

Chester A. Arthur, junior high school.

Oh, come on. Arthur, those kids would
have to take two buses and then a cab to

get to that gate.

You know kids, if they want something
bad enough, they'll find it.

First it's a gay bar, next it's a gay
geography teacher.

Yeah, teaching our kids how to get from
Tuckahoe down to Greenwich Village.

That is ridiculous.

Students do not copy the sexual habits
of their teachers.

How do you know?

Because in high school, I studied with
the nuns at Our Lady of Chastity.

Sure, Maude, what do you care? Your
daughter's all grown up.

Hubie, you don't even have children.

I have my nephew, Joseph.

My sister's divorced, so Joseph lives
with her and my mother and my other

sister. He's surrounded by women.

I'm the only macho image he has.

I'm weakening.

But Hubie and I care about one thing,
the good of this community. Now, we're

moving ahead to plan B, picketing.

If we cause a stir, the city attorney
will have to close that bar.

Arthur, do you mean that you would
actually harass men just for sitting

innocently in a neighborhood bar?

Sitting around innocently? Are you
kidding?

They're in there dancing with each
other, exchanging phone numbers, looking

pictures of Al Pacino.

Arthur, that is the dumbest remark you
have ever made. Dumb?

Sure. I'm dumb, Maude. Hubie's dumb.
Poor old God is dumb. We're just a bunch

dummies.

Have you ever been inside a gay bar?

Well, of course not. Would you ask Clint
Eastwood that question?

No, but there is a question I'd like to
ask Clint Eastwood.

Well,

that's beside the point. Arthur, how can
you continue with this campaign of a

prejudice and intolerance without even
at least visiting the gay caballero?

What? You mean go inside?

Well, of course.

Arthur, I'll go with you. Let's do it
tomorrow afternoon late for cocktails.

Okay, okay.

And I'm sure you will be shocked when
you see what goes on in that place.

Arthur, you are wrong.

You're going to find out that all your
preconceptions about what goes on in

there are totally false.

Oh, what does go on in there? I have no
idea, but I'm dying to find out.

Well, don't worry about it. He can meet
you there.

Okay.

Hey, Walter.

Do you think this jacket is too butch
for a gay bar?

No, I don't think so.

Where's Maude? Oh, that was her on the
phone.

Arthur, she's hung up at the office and
she wants you to meet her at the gay

caballero at six o 'clock.

To meet her there?

Well, I'm certainly not going into the
gay caballero alone.

Arthur, relax.

Look on it as an interesting experience,
a little adventure.

Maybe a whole new life.

Walter, if you think this is so funny,
you come with me. Me? Now, this is

between you and Maud. I don't have to go
to the gay caballero. The gay

caballero? Ixnay, the kid.

Yeah, hi, Philip. The gay caballero.
That's a Mexican restaurant.

They serve tacos, enchiladas, tamales.

Boy, those gay people really go for that
spicy food, huh?

You mean you know about that place?

Sure. Why are you going there?

Well, well, well, well, I have to check
it out.

I'm the head of a group who wants that
place closed.

Why do you want to close it?

All right, Philip.

I guess you're old enough to understand
a few facts.

Now, the first fact is, gay people are,
uh,

well, they're sick.

They have a sort of a disease.

Is it a contagious disease?

Is that why you want to close the bar?

No. It's not contagious, really.

But you see, gay people shouldn't be out
at a bar having a good time.

They should be at home, alone.

Being ashamed that they're gay.

Trying to get cured.

What's the cure for being gay?

Bowling. Bowling? Well, it's a start.
See, these gay guys have to start doing

something manly. That's what brings them
around.

I thought you didn't want them around.

Philip, I seem to be having trouble
getting you to understand the danger of

gay bar.

What's wrong?

I've always used to be able to
communicate with you.

Oh, it's not your fault, Dr. Harmon.
It's just that this year in school, I'm

taking a course in logic.

Smart aleck, kid.

Walter, that's exactly the reason you
should come to the gay caballero with

Now, come on.

You have got to protect Philip against
this pernicious, insidious sickness.

Couldn't I just buy him a bowling ball?

People. It's disgusting.

I wish all their mothers would walk in
here right now.

What's wrong with them? They look all
right to me.

All right to you.

You don't think they look like us, do
you?

Well, that guy sure does. He's wearing
the same jacket you are.

Well, he's probably just trying not to
look like a sissy. Come on.

Good evening, guys. What'll it be?

Wait a minute. I'll be right back.

Wow. Did you see that bartender? He's a
flaming queen.

Are you kidding? He looks tough to me.

Tough?

Did you get a look at his apron?

Now, what can I do for you?

Bourbon. Bourbon on the rocks, please.

And you?

Well, I don't drink.

Don't serve orange juice anymore.

Oh, oh, yeah. Sorry, I've been out of
town.

Make that a diet ginger ale.

All right. I haven't seen you boys in
here before.

Uh, no.

This is our, uh, first time. Oh, wow.

Don't be strangers. We have a very nice
place in here.

In fact, there's a nice bunch of guys in
here.

If you like to bowl, we're getting a
lead together.

I was held up by a client. Uh, vodka and
tonic.

Just as I thought.

Place is very respectable.

Quiet. Customers well behaved.

The only thing I find objectionable is
that man's tasteless sport coat.

Thank you.

Place is perfectly respectable, Arthur.
We can... Call off your pickets. Oh, no.

This doesn't fool me.

It's still early yet. I know these
types.

After a few martinis, they'll all start
acting gay.

After a few martinis, Anita Bryant would
start acting gay.

I said, look, if you think Teletext is
such a hot stock, why don't you buy a

couple thousand shares?

Good. I'm glad you told him.

You see that?

My God, they're holding hands.

Arthur, would you take your hand off my
husband?

I told you that sort of thing goes on in
here. It's no big deal. So they were

holding hands. Look, excuse me. I've got
to go to the men's room.

I'm dying to find out what they write on
their walls.

Arthur, it should be perfectly obvious
to you that with the exception of their

sexual preferences...

Every man here is exactly like you and
Walter.

Don't be ridiculous.

I'm going to prove it to you. Let's talk
to him. Excuse me, I just wanted to get

some of these yummies.

Yummies? Oh, you mean the cocktail,
Franks.

Did you see that, Mart?

A grown man saying yummies when he's
talking about weenies?

That is disgusting.

Excuse me.

My name is Maude Findlay. I hate to
intrude on your privacy, and I don't

you to think that I'm some frivolous
sightseer just looking for cheap

but are you a gay person?

Bingo.

Good, I knew it. Arthur, we're in luck.
I found one. I mean...

I mean, someone who'll talk to us. Could
I borrow you for a moment? I won't keep

him long. Arthur, come along. Let's sit
down. Boy, come sit down.

Let me try to explain the situation. You
see, I am a liberal.

But my friend here is a... What's the
word for non -liberal? Bigot!

I want him to learn through simple human
dialogue that you and your friend are

just like everybody else.

Arthur, talk to him.

All right.

If you insist on this, Seymour, all
right.

You see, I believe very strongly that
people who indulge in strange sexual

behavior have no place in this
community.

I see your point.

But you straight people have to live
someplace.

See, my friend here has been trying to
tell me that aside from sexual

preferences, there's no difference
between you and I.

And I object to that very strongly.

So do I.

Well, excuse me, I'd like to get back to
my date.

Now, you see, Arthur, that wasn't so
terrible.

No matter what you say, Marty, these gay
people should not be on display.

They should be hidden away someplace
where decent human beings aren't forced

look at them.

Like in a gay bar.

Yes. No.

The fact remains that there are laws
that prohibit places like this, and this

one should be closed down. Oh, come on.
You don't care anything about the law.

You just want to persecute people whom
you think are different.

How about another round?

Absolutely not.

We have picket signs.

We are going to close down this den of
inequity. You are violating three

Tuckahoe ordinances. I know.

That's why we didn't open this bar in
Tuckahoe.

What?

The Tuckahoe City Limits is right across
the street. We're just over the line.

So you could take your signs and pick
it.

Good gravy.

It's legal.

This terrible place is legal. Yeah, but
that shouldn't stop you and your

vigilantes from coming over here,
smashing windows, beating up a few

a matter of fact, I'd like to see you
and that bartender go one -on -one.

Oh, come on, Maude. We're not even going
to picket.

You're not?

Well, of course not.

I believe in the law, and if you believe
in the law, you don't go around

breaking the law.

Let's go home.

You know, Arthur, for a man whom I've
always thought was... Utterly

You are full of surprises.

You really believe in the law. Arthur,
I'm proud to have you as my friend.

You are?

That's right.

You're a man of principle, Arthur.

No, you're prejudiced, you're bigoted,
God knows you're dumb, but... You are a

man of principle.

You know something, Marty?

I am going to take that as a compliment.

Hey, you two.

None of that stuff in here.

I'd better try to get Walter out of the
men's room.

He sometimes dozes off.

I'll get the check.

Dr. Harmon.

Mr.

Duncan. You must be wondering what I'm
doing in a place like this.

Well, it's easy to explain.

I mean, for one thing, I'm here with a
woman. Maude Finley, you remember.

And for another thing... Arthur, Arthur,
it's all right.

We'll just make this our little secret.

Howie, I'll have the usual.

Arthur?

Arthur, you!

Arthur!

What? The Harmon's moved back to the
house this morning. Why are you calling

Arthur? Because it's so nice not to hear
him answer.

You know, you could have been a little
nicer when they were leaving.

Walter, how could I have been nicer? I
even carried out their luggage.

Did you have to sing, Happy days are
here again? All right, all right, all

right, all right. Maybe I did overdo it,
but the important thing is that Arthur

is gone.

I can call his name.

Arthur!

Arthur! What is it, Marty?

Arthur?

Use your phone. I'm going to protest to
the Immigration Department about their

disgraceful treatment of illegal aliens.

Arthur, you are defending illegal
aliens? This is quite a turnaround.

The company that fumigated our house
hired illegal aliens. They were all

arrested this morning.

That's terrible.

I'll say it is. It's another three days
to fumigate the house, and I have to pay

another $800 because they brought in
union workers.

Three days?

Where are you and Viv going to stay?

Oh, Maud, I can't tell you how sweet
this is.

Two things to say about union workers,
too.

Workers' rights and all that.

I say this country would be better off
if it were...

Mod was recorded on videotape before a
studio audience.