Original subtitles

Okay, boys, it's tied off now.

One, two, three.

One,

two, three.

Nobody knows the trouble I see.

Nobody knows my sorrow.

My God, is that as heavy as it looks?

Huh?

Well, is it?

Grace, now I got a two -ton air conditioner hanging here putting anybody

walks by in danger.

Well, that's lunch.

Hey, Mac. Hey, Dan. Oh, Dan.

Cheap prosecutor's been looking for you. Oh, yeah? What does Thumbel Stillskin

want with me now?

What did you call me, Fielding?

Oh, why, I'm a humble citizen, of course.

I have something I want you to do.

Anything, no matter how...

Small. Good, because this is the most menial degrading task I could find.

My niece is visiting from Indiana, and I want you to show her around tonight.

So normally I'd be enchanted, but I... Oh, too bad, Dan. Looks like you get to

play tour guide.

Yeah, to the little girl who lived in the shoe.

Say hello to my niece, Kitty.

What's the matter, Dan?

Kitty got your tongue?

No, this is the courtroom.

Yeah, or as I like to call it, Danger Central.

Oh, Fielding!

Sire?

Just so you know, if you so much as lay a finger on her, I'll have you

practicing poop law in doggy court.

What are you looking at?

Uh, just making sure your niece has a, um, good seat, sir.

Drives you crazy, doesn't it?

So near, yet so far.

Wait a minute. Is that what you're up to?

You're going to taunt me, torture me, drive me crazy?

Call it a hobby.

Remember, one touch, and I'm cutting you off at the knees.

Yeah, I'd still be taller than you, you know.

Mr. Fielding, can I ask you a question?

Certainly, young lady. Anything?

Did you know I'm double -jointed?

Really?

Want to see?

Yes. No, yes, no!

I can't!

Now look, if anything should happen between you and I, your Uncle Vincent's

going to find out, then I'm going to lose something that's very important to

Your job?

If I'm lucky.

Now why don't you just sit down and watch the big trials, okay?

I'd rather sit on your lap and suck out your fillings.

Mr.

Prosecutor! Yes, sir. Just a moment.

Just discussing dental hygiene.

All right, Fielding. Think of something cold. Eskimos, Huskies.

Eleanor Roosevelt.

Strike up the band, McNamara. Got a heavy metal favorite for you, sir.

Peeper versus Lawton.

Aw, leftovers again.

Obstructing traffic.

I was preparing a landing zone for the Spezoid mothership.

They're coming from eight million light years away.

Boy, are they going to rack up their frequent flyer miles.

Your Honor, defense moves for a psychiatric evaluation.

Prosecution?

Oh, Danny boy.

Yes, sir, just looking up something.

How does the prosecution feel about a psychiatric evaluation?

No thanks. Cold shower, I'll be fine.

Well, in the meantime, the court will remand the defendant to the custody of

Bellevue. Bull, beam him up.

Now look, I'm only going to say this once.

Please stop teasing me.

Oh, was I a bad kitty?

I should be disciplined.

Margaret Thatcher, Mama Cass.

Ernest Borgnine.

Looking for this?

Yes. I was keeping it warm for you.

Want to know how?

Please, no.

Next case, sir. Fighting in public.

Well, I...

He's a two -fisted hero of a Saturday matinee. The defender of truth.

The greatest lawman to ever strap on a shooting iron. I can't believe I'm

meeting the real Red Ranger.

Well, hey, howdy, buckaroos. Hey, howdy, Ranger.

He's not the Red Ranger anymore.

His name's Jeff Prescott. Now he's just a pathetic old geezer. Who the hell are

you? Whoa there, young bison.

I'm sorry.

Who the heck are you?

Hello.

The name's Bill Oxley, and my studio owns the character rights to the Red

Ranger. This washed -up relic just tried to start a boycott at the premiere of

the new Red Ranger movie.

Your Honor, the defendant is charged under Criminal Code 24002, and did you

I'm not wearing a bra?

that Mr. Fielding professes not to be a cross -dresser.

Your Honor, apparently the scuffle started when Mr. Oxley tried to take off

mask. I almost did, too.

Until he put that excruciating, vice -like hold on me.

The Red Ranger's secret gelding grip.

It's a manly way to seize a foe.

Oh, yeah, and a real icebreaker at parties.

This quarter would have barred him from appearing in public as the Red Ranger.

And he's breaking the law.

Judge, I haven't taken this mask off in 42 years.

They can't make me now, can they?

This appears to be in order.

That new Red Ranger of theirs is sick.

He shoots people in the face. He curses and he... He sleeps with women.

On my shows, I never got to woman.

I was happy with a horse for 25 years.

That explains the mask.

Judge, he's mocking everything that's good and decent.

Now, for the sake of all the little deputy rangers whose faces light up when

visit the hospitals and the orphanages, can't you let me keep the mask?

Well, I'd like to. You'd have my gratitude, which runs as deep as granite

wide as the Montana sky.

I knew you were going to say that.

Okay, tell you what I can do. Deputy Ranger Harry T. Stone will take a look

this thing.

One hour recess.

Ooh, a whole hour.

Whatever will we do four or five times in a whole hour?

I don't know about you, but I'm going to go sit in a bucket of club soda.

You know, when I was a little girl, I used to have the biggest crush on you.

Really, ma 'am? Yeah, I did.

You know, when you used to kiss your horse at the end of every show?

I used to dream that that was me.

Oh, that's sweet.

Sugar cube?

And nothing will change my mind. Not even these pictures I took in the photo

booth in the lobby.

Oh, my God.

How did you get the stool that high?

And? No, no, I can't. I'll die.

I understand you need some time to think it over.

Think about shot number three.

Sir, this is everything the law library had on copyright.

Hey, here's a precedent.

Zorro versus the rat people.

Nice try, Miss Sullivan. That's my film encyclopedia.

So whatever became of your sidekick, Frisky Jim?

Jumped off a balcony, owned his horse, took a saddle horn right on the noggin.

Oh, my goodness. Was he hurt?

Well, he slowed down a mite after the neurosurgery.

In the later episodes, we just sort of hitched horses to him.

Oh, now, don't take it too hard, little buckaroos. Tell you what, why don't we

all recite the Red Ranger oath together?

Wow, could we?

Frankly, I don't think this is the time.

A deputy ranger says please and thank you, passes the butter without being

asked. And does a good deed every day.

I wonder where the bright new

pips are coming from.

If you're finished with your little fandango, I'd like my mask, please. Now.

Judge.

Ranger, I'm sorry. We checked for a precedent. We did everything we could,

it looks like you're chin deep in meadow muffins.

I'm sorry.

Vaya con queso, mi compadre.

Well, there's no way I'm going to let the youngster see me disobey the law.

But do I have to take the mask off here in front of the kiddies?

Of course not. Bull, this way, Red Ranger.

I'll take you to the men's room where you can expose yourself in private.

Harry, get up out of your iron. My pants are soaked.

Now, don't you fret, little partner.

You'll outgrow that.

What happened to you, Dan? Did a pipe burst?

Damn near.

in five seconds?

No, it took me three to find my way back here.

Which way did he go?

I was afraid you'd ask me that.

All right, everybody, don't panic. Just continue eating in an orderly fashion.

What the hell's going on here?

If I can't wear my mask, I'm going to ride off into that last sunset and take

the Red Ranger with me.

No, no, you can't do that. What about your fans?

What are they going to say?

So long, chemo slabby.

Now, Red Ranger, listen to me. Not one step closer, Judge. One swipe of this

Texas toothpick and you'll be ankle deep in Red Ranger juice.

Why are you doing this?

To beat Oxley and his gang at their own game.

Don't you see? The bad publicity of my demise is going to stick to them

like flies on Flicky.

Nobody will ever look at that new Red Ranger without getting sick at the

of my hideous and gruesome death.

Wow, what a great idea.

Please, Red Ranger, I don't want to see you go. Not like this.

Well, at least I'll die with my boots on.

That is, unless the impact of this thing makes him squirt off my legs.

Wait, can't you do something, Judge?

He's going to ruin the movie.

Okay, Red Ranger, forget Oxley, forget your mask. Think about your fans, the

kids. What are they going to think when they find out that their hero turned

himself into Splat Masterson?

The kids will understand.

I'm doing it for them.

Adios, muchachos. No, wait. Give me a minute.

Why? Well, because I'm going to... I'm going to...

I'm calling a tenderfoot timeout.

Oh, well, all right.

Be quick about it, though.

I forget.

What's a tenderfoot timeout?

Well, now, they didn't have rest stops in the old west, you see.

So a ranger can't deny the request of another ranger to kind of pull off the

trail and say howdy to a cactus.

Ouch.

Boy, it takes a real man to do that.

Yeah, that's me, Dan the Iron Man.

why don't you let me straighten your pleats?

Listen, please, why don't you just stay away from me?

Oh, I don't know why you're fighting it. I mean, I'm a woman and you're a man.

Yeah, and I would like to keep it that way.

Martinize me, Dan.

Get down! He might fire again!

No, he's gone. The view is clear.

Yes, you're safe now, Kitty. I've saved your life.

And oh, what a close call it was.

But don't thank me. My job is done.

You'll just embarrass me. I'll go. Bye.

Oh, Dan!

So many bones.

So little time.

Vinnie, thank goodness. Come on with me. Don, what's this all about? I'll

explain it while you're getting undressed.

My 19th favorite show was the one where you and Prospector Bob dressed up like

dancehall girls to foil the crooked gambers.

Yeah, your Red Ranger always kept a close eye on Prospector Bob after that

episode.

Hey, Red Ranger, there's someone here I think you should meet.

What are you up to, sir?

Okay, you can come in now, little boy.

You said your fans would understand, huh? Well, I found this little cowpoke

there, and he has something to say to you. Well, uh, Red Ranger, hey, howdy,

little buckaroo.

My, you're a big boy, aren't you?

For God's sake, Stone.

Come on, Denny, there's a man's life at stake. Say something to him.

And are you a good little ranger?

Yes, I'm a good little...

Oh, no about that, Sonny. That face looks a night dirty.

It's called Five O 'Clock Shadow.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Very funny ranger joke, Vinnie. But didn't you have

something else to say to the Red Ranger?

Don't kill yourself, because all little boys and girls like me would be

disappointed in you. Goodbye.

Wait a minute, Sonny.

What's this here?

Well, I'll be bushwhacked.

You've been smoking, haven't you? What's it to you?

Hey, those are $10 Havana's.

You're going to thank me for this, little doggie.

Okay, I've had it.

Look, you loony old buzzard.

I'm not a doggie, and I'm not a boy. And I'm not going to take any more of this.

And if you want to squash yourself, fine.

I can't wait to watch him scrape your brains off the floor with a penknife.

Well, I guess that pretty much blows Vinnie's Nobel Peace Prize, huh?

You tried to hornswoggle me, didn't you?

Have you forgotten Ranger Rule Number Six?

No speaking with a forked tongue.

Yeah, well, it happens to be superseded by Harry Stone's Rule Number One.

Only a yellow belly tries to do himself in when the going gets tough.

You can't use that tone with me. Why not?

I'm the Red Ranger.

No, you're not the Red Ranger.

You are Jeff Prescott, an actor who plays the part of the Red Ranger. Don't

see what's happening?

You're getting yourself confused with the character you play.

It wasn't a mask that inspired kids to grow up and know right from wrong.

It was you.

You taught us all to be faithful and loyal and caring and to try to make the

world a better place.

And for that, you should be proud.

But you should also feel responsible, especially to the kids. They still need

someone to look up to.

They don't need the Red Ranger.

They need the man behind the mask.

He always this long -winded?

Well,

thank you, fellow deputies.

I don't know.

Maybe I am living 30 years in the past.

I violated the most sacred ranger rule of all.

You married a buffalo?

No.

The most sacred rule is to always think of the other fella first.

I've just been thinking to myself.

Instead of the little kiddies.

I think maybe it is time I took this mask off.

Don't bother.

I just got off the phone with the theater. We're pulling the plug.

Movie bombed.

Oh, ain't that a shame.

They actually burned the screen.

What about your new Red Ranger?

He resigned on the way to the hospital.

The hospital?

Yeah, they... They juju beat him.

You must be thrilled.

Oh, no, my domed friend.

A ranger never rejoices in the misfortune of others.

Well, maybe just once.

He's got a gun! Please, Billy!

Please, not too cute to die.

Get up. You can grovel later.

Kitty wanted to say goodbye.

Oh.

Going back to Indiana, ma 'am? Yes, right after we go shopping.

All this time in New York.

Not a thing to wear.

Wellchop, want to join us for a test, really?

No can do, sir. I'm still checking for that water leak. I just fired off the

generator. I'm putting 680 pounds of compressed air into all the fire hoses.